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The Purest Love

"The gospel of Jesus Christ is a gospel of transformation. It takes us as men and women of the earth and refines us into men and wom...

Saturday, December 31, 2016

So long 2016!

Wow, what a year! 
1. The City Center Temple dedication and cultural celebration. 
2. Alexa's High School Graduation. 
3. Stake boundary changes and the formation of our new Stake. 
4. Kaylee's Baptism.
5. Saying farewell to the ward family we love so much.
6. Saying farewell to my dear sweet friend, Lou (1929-2016).
7. Alexa's Baptism.
8. Moving into a new place, a new home, a new ward.
9. Changes to our family boundaries and becoming foster parents.

When this year started off, I had no idea how completely different our lives would look at the end.   It has been beautiful, painful, eye-opening, heartbreaking, exhausting, and glorious!

I take comfort in knowing that God is with me, fighting my battles. Who knows what this next year will bring? So long, farewell, 2016.


Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Grace for Grace

"Dear Lord,
So far today, am I doing alright.
I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self-indulgent. I have not whined or complained.
But I will be getting out of bed in a minute, and I think that I will really need your help then."

- unknown

Many of life's solutions seem so much easier in words than the actual application.  I can start my day off with prayer and scriptures.  I can study the life of Christ and His teachings.  I can make resolutions for the day. And then some drama will unfold with the children, some conflict arises, or something won't work how it's expected too... and the real test of my character begins.    

You know those uncomfortable moments at the end of the day, where you review how you handled each situation and realize that you could have done better?  I consider those reflective moments to be a blessing, an opportunity to learn and try again.

I read in the New Testament this morning, "My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked of Him: For whom the Lord loveth, He chasteneth..." (Hebrews 12: 5,6)
The Lord knows we are going to stumble and fall, that we won't be the ideal father, the ideal mother, or the ideal anything.  He knows we won't be perfect.  And when we offend, when we mess up... we must be quick to apologize and set it right. It's the repentant soul who displays real faith and real courage.

Popular BYU Professor and LDS speaker--Brad Wilcox--said,
There should never be just two options: perfection or giving up. When learning the piano, are the only options performing at Carnegie Hall or quitting? No. Growth and development take time. Learning takes time. When we understand grace, we understand that God is long-suffering, that change is a process, and that repentance is a pattern in our lives. When we understand grace, we understand that the blessings of Christ’s Atonement are continuous and His strength is perfect in our weakness (see 2 Corinthians 12:9). When we understand grace, we can, as it says in the Doctrine and Covenants, “continue in patience until [we] are perfected” (D&C 67:13).

I'm also learning that the specific things we pray for can make a huge difference in how we handle each situation:

  • I am discovering that it's better for me to seek for understanding rather than pray for patience.  When I understand the situation more or the intent of another, patience follows more naturally.

  • I am discovering that it's better for me to offer prayers of gratitude rather than pray to have love for others.  When I'm filled with gratitude, love follows more naturally.

I'm grateful to know the Lord is all about second chances and new beginnings.  He delights to untangle the messes we find ourselves in and fill our souls with peace.  "Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby." - Hebrews 12:11

I pray your day is blessed with the unfailing grace and love extended to us through our Savior, that you feel peace... even in the middle of a storm, especially in the middle of a storm. Sail on.


Sunday, December 25, 2016


Merry Christmas!!! I hope yours has been absolutely beautiful!
I'm incredibly proud of my children and how every year they are so easily satisfied with the simple Christmas gifts they are given.  Not one complaint has come out of their mouths, only gratitude.  Our foster children have handled everything quite well too.  I'm so glad.   

One of the major highlights of my weekend has been the traditional Rawlin's Family Christmas Talent Show, held every 23rd of December at Joseph's sister, Merrit's house.  All of the nine children from my husband's family fly into town to be together and everyone performs on Merrit's stage.  If anyone can't make it, they join us through Skype. It's a huge get-together and is SO much fun!!

The second highlight of these last few days was to have my dear friend, Adrienne, and her family join us for making gingerbread houses.  Twelve children, tons of candy, and lots of hard frosting made for a really BIG mess... but it was worth it!

Enjoy this new Christmas song, let the light of Christ shine through you, and make Christmas Everyday!!!


Thursday, December 22, 2016

Not Alone

These last couple of weeks have been so incredibly hard.  My foster daughter is an extremely stressed little three-year-old.  Her trauma is so intense that she's like a lighted fuse all day long. It takes the slightest event to set her off in full-blown aggression; she'll scream the most piercing scream, flail her arms, and kick the floor for twenty minutes straight.  I'll get her settled and then she'll want something else and explode again. When she's not throwing horrible tantrums she's clinging to my leg, sitting on my lap, or begging me to hold her in my arms.  It's like she knows she's been misbehaving and is extremely anxious her behavior will cause me to not want her with me anymore, so she panics and goes to the opposite end of the spectrum and clings so tightly.  It's hard because after all that acting out, I really don't want to even be around her, let alone hold her.

Her melt-downs are like an addiction, a habit she can't seem to kick. I've never been so exhausted in my life.  My oldest son had tantrums that were pretty bad where he would make himself vomit but even though those were difficult to deal with, these ones with my foster daughter are so much worse!

My husband has been checking on me everyday from work.  He's worried for me because he too understands the intensity of our situation.  He gave me a blessing Sunday night.  We actually had the foster kids go to a neighbor's house Sunday so we could have a family counsel with just our bio- kids. We can see that foster care is wearing them down too.  The all said they want to quit.  I don't blame them.  They've been so good through all of this though, and they've showed incredible patience.  We decided as a family that we're going to keep going for a little longer and just take things one day at a time.

I spoke with the children's therapist yesterday.  I explained how awful this has been. After diagnosis, they've increased the children's trauma levels. The therapist been working in the foster care system for 20 years and has dealt with hundreds of cases.  She listened to everything I could tell her for nearly 40 minutes.  As I described the hellish circumstances, she nodded her head sympathetically and said, "Welcome to the new normal. It may even get harder from here. That's why there is such a high turn-over rate if foster parenting.  But what I've seen with you, these children are doing so much better than they were, so much better!" Somehow, I found comfort speaking with her even though I know things are still going to be hard. 

I've discovered that this whole ward I moved into helped raise these kids for two months, it wasn't just the one couple.  I don't know how many people have come up to me at church who have said they had the children stay at their house for a day or so.  They must have been watched by at least ten different families in that short time (maybe there was a sign-up sheet being rotated around, I don't know). One woman, after Sacrament Meeting last Sunday, looked me straight in the eye and asked how I was doing.  Tears began to flow and I described the difficulties with the children I was having, especially the younger one.  She hugged me and said, "We had them only for a day or two and I know exactly what you're talking about. I can't even imagine what it must be like for longer than that." 

I don't know how many foster parents who have the luxury that we do. We are surrounded by a neighborhood who has helped carry the crushing weight and who understands our circumstances first-hand. I'm comforted to know that we don't have to do this alone.


Monday, December 19, 2016


I'm not doing the Ponderizing verse each week anymore but I'll certainly be pondering and sharing thoughts on scriptures as I feel impressed here on my blog.

My husband has started a fun Book of Mormon project that will span over a few days for me to complete.  I had a good time with my scripture studies this morning because his project helped me pick apart and zero-in on the take-away of each verse.  I need this type of study because it's so easy to slip into casual reading where I'm not really pulling much out of the scriptures.

My husband's Precepts Project comes at a good time in my life, especially with how hectic everything is! Now, more than ever, I need a good, clear, solid focus to start my day, to remind me of the precepts that will set my mind and heart in the right direction.

This whole concept of scripture study reminds me of one of my very favorite quotes by Spencer W. Kimball.  He said:

“I find that when I get casual in my relationships with divinity and when it seems that no divine ear is listening and no divine voice is speaking, that I am far, far away. If I immerse myself in the scriptures the distance narrows and the spirituality returns. I find myself loving more intensely those whom I must love with all my heart and mind and strength, and loving them more, I find it easier to abide their counsel.”

I've seen this time and time again in my own life.  I'm so grateful for the scriptures!

Friday, December 16, 2016

Carrying me through...

I haven't really known what to write lately.  There is so much on my mind in this new life of mine that I can hardly find the words to sort through it all: parenting the foster kids and my own children, upcoming parent and court visits, my upcoming semester at BYU, homeschooling, the holidays, and everything in-between.  I try to keep a pulse on each family member and pray they are all coping well and doing okay.

I feel very stretched and I find very little time to myself. This is so hard, so incredibly hard, but I don't feel discouraged or overwhelmed (when normally in circumstances like these, I easily could be). I know that God has been carrying me through and I can feel His grace attend me. It's a blessing, a very real blessing.


Thursday, December 15, 2016

Throwback Thursday - Beautiful

 I know so many women who have a naturally beautiful face, no make-up needed to be absolutely gorgeous. (I envy that.) These women always seem to look so classy in their dress styles too. Truth be told, I've never been extremely confident about my looks or appearance. I feel like it is such a wasted effort. I would never call this insecurity of mine "humility," In fact, I consider it to be one of my deepest weaknesses. One way I try to cope with this insecurity is to remind myself that a wardrobe of fashionable clothes and a glamorous face doesn't matter at all to God.

We live in a world that is obsessed with appearances. People spend inordinate amounts of money and time to stay looking young and attractive.  They pour themselves into programs, magazines, lectures, and all the latest fashions to glamorize themselves, to gather attention, and to be recognized. Eventually, time will take its toll on all of us and this surface beauty will crumble to the grave.

In the New Testament, 1 Peter 3:3-4 says,
"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight."

Almost seven years ago, I wrote a blog post about true beauty:

When I was in my late teens my family had a wonderful couple for hometeachers, Brother and Sister Anderson. They were an older couple, probably in their late 70's. They always had a sparkle in their eyes and a smile on their face(I called it perma-grin). They were filled to the brim with gratitude for everyone and everything around them. I never heard a disparaging remark come out of their mouth. They spoke freely about God, His mercy and blessings. Their testimony of the Savior was not just in word but in the choices they made every day of their lives. They were a beautiful example of charity and oneness in marriage and of Christlike love for everyone. They shined so bright! I loved to be around them and glean from their wisdom.

About five years ago, I saw Brother Anderson in the temple...His physical health had declined for he needed to constantly be on oxygen and he carried a cane but he still had that strong and vibrant spirit... he hugged me and gave his regards to my family. His eyes shined as bright as ever and he still had that warmth of spirit that could soften any frozen heart.

I will never forget this wonderful couple! What an impression they made on me... they helped me see what true beauty is!

I still believe what I wrote back then;
I think sometimes, I just need a little reminder. :)

Sunday, December 11, 2016


I finished my writing class last night.  For our final, we all had to give our own "Ted Talk". It was really fun preparing for mine.  I was terribly nervous but my classmates seemed to like it.  I spoke about children and the hard-wired aching they have to bond with their biological parents, no matter their upbringing.

My foster son knew what my presentation was about, and when I tucked him in bed last night, he was anxious to hear how my final went.  He asked if I talked about him.  I told him that I did for a small moment and that it was good things.  He smiled as he pulled the blankets shyly up to his nose, "Miss Alicia... I bet you did really good." I thanked him for his confidence.

Micah has moved downstairs to sleep on the couch now.  It was his choice for the move but I think it was a good one because it seems like the relationship with his foster brother is less strained this way. For the most part, they are getting along quite well. Micah is incredibly resilient and compassionate, he just needed a little space at night.

Things are getting more comfortable with my foster son. He is opening up to me more and more. He only asks deep questions and carries serious conversation when I'm alone with him. It's really great to see the thick walls come down when I sit at his bedside every evening.

Tonight, we will be surprising our foster children.  Their siblings are passing through our city on their way back home with their adopted family.  They, and the rest of the other adopted kids to that family, are going to eat dinner with us. This is the first time I get to meet their adoptive mother face-to-face and I'm really excited.  I can tell she is an amazing woman.  I feel like it's going to be a really good experience.


Monday, December 5, 2016

"All that [I] need" - Ponderize - Week 62

I like taking my kids to class with me at BYU. They always fight over who's turn it is since I only allow for one of them at a time.  All of them love it!  Well, almost all of them.... Chandler is the only one who doesn't really care to attend with me but he still loves to use the campus for his studies.  It works out great for him because he's only enrolled at the high school for his extracurricular classes. All his core classes are online so he can do those anywhere there is a computer.  His favorite thing is to use my student ID and password for the computers on campus to do his schoolwork.

This week is the last of my semester.  My foster son wanted to join me in my class tonight. He sat pretty quietly as he read the books he brought.  I was proud of his behavior.  

After the hour was finished, I walked my foster son over to the vending machines to let him pick a treat.  I think that's what he was looking forward to the most. He's envied the other kids when they've return from one of my classes with treats in hand.  He picked a soda and a pack of gum for his reward, skipping along with delight.

He wanted me to give him a tour of the whole campus. I walked him through a couple of buildings and drove him past a few more but said I'd have to save the rest for another time.  He seemed to really enjoy the opportunities this evening, asking when he'd be able to join me for class again. I told him I'd start up a couple more classes in January.  He was happy about that.

I've really enjoyed this semester.  So far, I'm getting the highest percentage grade out of everyone in my class (something I was not expecting at all).  I'm really excited about my final presentation for Saturday night. We're all giving our own short little Ted Talks; Mine will be about foster parenting.  I shared a portion of it in peer review today and got some great feedback. I'm so grateful I have this opportunity to go to school.  It is my dream come true!!  

I'm feeling really blessed in my life.  I think a good scripture for this week is 2 Corinthians 9:8,

"God is able to bless you abundantly, 
so that in all things at all times, 
having all that you need, 
you will abound in every good work." 

(NIV version)

-Alicia :)

Sunday, December 4, 2016

Behind the Scenes

Foster care certainly has its challenges. Its exhausting and often overwhelming... but I have found the challenges are met far easier because of the help from my amazing children.  My appreciation for each of my biological children has increased a hundred fold this past month as I've watched them adapt to their new life with their new siblings. They have displayed more patience, more compassion, more resilience and more creativity than I ever thought possible. They are truly amazing!

My husband has shown great strength too. I'm so proud of his perseverance and patience. He is a wonderful example to me of humility and obedience before the Lord. I'm so incredibly grateful I have him at my side in this difficult journey.

We've had so many people from our new ward tell us that they've witnessed our foster kids make leaps and bounds of improvement since they've been placed with us. Honestly, so much credit goes to my husband and children.  My contribution is such a small fraction.  This has been a huge team effort.  There's no way I could move forward in this calling without each of them. I am richly blessed!


Friday, December 2, 2016

Missing the Memories

Our City Center Temple has been closed for a short time. So this morning, some good friends and I took the kids to do baptisms at the other Provo Temple where we used to go to every Monday.  It was the first time returning for early morning baptisms there since our new temple has been dedicated.

 This morning caught us a little off guard as a feeling of sadness pressed on our hearts. Chandler said he felt it too. Maybe it was just because it was our first time returning there since our big baptism group would go, and we kept expecting to see old friends... only to be reminded that it's all part of the past now.  It just made us sad because we miss those friends and those memories so deeply.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Light the World

Today is the day: The worldwide day of service! 

From now until Christmas, we will consciously look for ways to reach and serve people in a way we would imagine the Savior doing. 

From my own experiences, I'm FOREVER grateful and will always hold in my heart those who have shined their LIGHT in my life and made my world so much brighter.

Dec. 1:  Jesus lifted other's burdens. What will you do today to lift another's burden?