If Tomorrow Never Comes

I like a lot of different styles of music... and yes, even some Country. There's a song by Garth Brooks where some of the lyrics are as follows.

"If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face this world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes
'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel"

After losing my mom, I've had regrets that I didn't call her enough or visit her enough. We'd have my parents down for dinner once a month and I'd call maybe twice a month. At the time, I didn't feel our visits were too infrequent for them living 45 minutes away. The very last day I hugged my mom was on Valentine's day, at my sister's work. I had spoken with her over the phone on the 4th of March to plan her birthday party but the conversation was brief. She left this life so unexpectedly.

I've made more efforts now to call and visit my dad. I've made it a point to visit with him and call him about twice each week. It's unfortunate it took this tragedy to pull me out of my busy world and be more thoughtful about my parents. I don't want to live with those same kinds of regrets I've had about mom when my dad passes away.  I've also made more effort to create family time with my children, more family dinners, more outings, more alone time with Joseph. What if tomorrow never comes with them?

I might be a little hard on myself for not spending more time with my mom. Knowing her though, I'm sure she forgives me and she wouldn't have felt at all that I didn't spend enough time with her. She was very understanding about my busy life. She often put me on a pedestal I never deserved. I wish she could have seen how good she was. She didn't have an ounce of arrogance in her.  Never in her life did she seek/desire any kind of recognition, any kind of popularity or praise. That just wasn't her focus - She was genuine through and through. She sincerely, deeply cared about people.

She did so much good for others. I was humbled to hear countless stories from her neighbors at the viewing of thoughtful little things she would do for them. One of her sisters she visit and taught told me that the very same day my mom was rushed to the hospital, my mom had called her to see how she was doing. My mom was the one who wasn't feeling well and yet she was calling this sister of hers to check how she was doing. Another story I found out from my mom's next-door neighbor - My mom was a primary teacher for the 7 to 8 yr old's. She would personally invite any child who didn't make it to Church on Sunday to come to her house and have a personalized one-on-one lesson with them. I loved hearing how the people of her ward thought of her. If she had only known what an impression she left! They all described her as pure like a child and without guile.

This morning, half-way between the state of waking and dreaming, I felt like she was standing over me, smiling at me. Her presence caused my whole being to feel a spiritual rush and tingling with pure joy. My joy soon turned to grief, I took her hands in mine and cried, "Mom, I miss you. I'm sorry I didn't call you more. I knew that one day I would lose you but I didn't think it would be this soon. I didn't know it would be this hard!" She continued to smile lovingly at me as if to say, "It's alright. Everything is alright."

I've had a few of those experiences since her passing... and even though they are just dreams, I know her spirit is by my side, she forgives me, she loves me, and she walks with me as one of my angels now. I hope you know, Mom, just how very much you mean to me!
-Alicia