I don’t know what started this downward spiral with my adopted daughter? Was it her fears or my fears that caused her to start acting out, or a little of both? When she first came to live with us in the middle of October last year, her behavior was absolutely angelic - she couldn’t have been more perfect. Of course, we all fell in love with her.
She never misbehaved in a violent way with us. There was one or two times though when I would pick her up from her bio-visits with grandma where she displayed violent, angry, outbursts: hitting her grandma, screaming like an animal, clawing and grabbing. I was shocked - she never behaved that way with us... Once we got her out of view of her grandma and drove away, she calmed down. I’m sure that’s where my fears began though. Those scenes stuck in the back of my mind. It was only a matter of time before I’d experience them for myself.
Things started to change in our home around three-and-a-half months after she came to live with us. I really don’t know what it was. Maybe because she was starting to feel more comfortable with our family and she felt like she could let her guard down a bit? Or maybe it had something to do with her not being able to see her bio family as much and she was experiencing grief and loss? We don’t know exactly what triggered them but her meltdowns started occurring about once or twice a week then. I’m sure it was a combination of many things in her mind.
Just after her first couple of melt-down’s are when I started to worry that she might get worse. Anxiety, fear, hurt, and guilt began to enter my mind more frequently. How did this happen? She was doing so well but she’s changing now. No matter how I tried, I couldn’t stop it. I could feel the negative emotions build greater towards her the more I tried to push them out. I knew she could sense it.
I’m sure it was on one of my more stressful days, one of those days where she was acting out so much that everyone else in the family was burnt out, completely spent. Usually they are quite tolerant. I could see they were overwhelmed and it made me overwhelmed. It must have been one of those days when her behavior and all the other demands of life were too much to bear... I lost it. I yelled at her, took her harshly by the arm up to her room, and spanked her on the bottom.
Of course, spanking her and yelling at her didn’t stop her though. It did absolutely zero good because it broke her trust that she was in a safe place and she only screamed harder, which scared me even more. Maybe it was then that both of us started to lose trust in each other where both of us began to feel a little more detached? After that, her melt-downs grew more frequent. It seemed her behavior became more spiteful. She cracked under the slightest circumstances. She began to create more fights with the other children, which only increased my fears and anxieties and caused ME to “lose it” on more occasions.
From her adorable smile, no one would ever guess that she is having melt-downs several times a day: very intense, throwing her body violently and clawing at her face, kicking, screaming with a piercing pitch. I know in these moments she is desperately needing connection but with this kind of behavior, my knee-jerk reaction is to get angry with her, to yell at her to stop, or take her to her room harshly (which is the total opposite of connection). In these intense moments I have wanted so desperately to avoid showing my frustration with her that I end up avoiding her all-together. The irony is I will stay away as often as I can when she gets like this because I love her, because when she does those things I don’t feel like I self-regulate very well. So, I separate myself... But to her this is also seen as rejection.
The hardest and sadest thing is that… Almost everything is rejection to her. If I don’t respond the very second she’s asking for something, she feels rejected. If I am spending time with another child, she feels rejected. If I tell her no or correct her in ANY way, she feels rejected. Which in turn, causes her to have all sorts of other behavioral outbursts.
I know disciplining her with a spanking or putting her in time-out doesn’t work. I’ve taken the TBRI classes. I know she is just craving connection. How do I connect when she keeps defaulting to a situation of disconnect? I feel like I’m stuck both ways!!
9-11-18
After many fervent prayers, soul-searching, and more therapy, I feel like things are getting better with Amillia… Or at least, I feel that I’m handling things better. I have gained a greater understanding that has given me a little more compassion in her extremely rough moments.
I told her therapist about some of her violent tantrums that include her scratching her arms and face and smacking herself on the head. Her therapist said that these are signs of self-shaming. My heart sunk when she said that. I don’t know why it never occured to me, because it seems so obvious now. When this little girl is beating herself, she is telling herself she is horrible, a failure, not worth the love or attention. It made so much more sense as to why she does it but it made my heart hurt deeply. I never want Amillia to tell herself such terrible things. This new revelation opened me to more compassion.
Traditional parenting doesn’t work. It unravels all the trust the child needs to navigate regularly in life. It simply doesn’t work in the form of time-out, punishments like a swat on the bum, forcing, yelling, or making the child sit in a corner.
Amillia’s therapist referenced a very good parenting book for adoptive families and gave me four tools to use during her melt-downs: empathy, acceptance, and curiosity.
I created one more tool... (Ephesians 4:1-3) so I could make the acronym, PEACE, to help me remember:
Playfulness - Lighten the mood by turning things into a game as often as possible.
Empathy - When you discover what she is feeling, tell her about times in your own life when you felt the same emotions, when you felt scared, sad, angry, or worried.
Acceptance - Gentle physical touch, staying present, words of praise, giving warm and loving eye contact every single chance you get.
Curiosity - Focus on her feelings, not on her behavior. Ask her what she’s feeling.
Ephesians 4:1-3 - “Walk worthy of the [motherhood] wherewith ye are called, with all lowliness and meekness, with long-suffering, forbearing one another in love; endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”
It is taking me multiple failed attempts but I’m learning, slowly, slowly learning... hopefully....
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