Who is Greater?

Ammon vrs. Aaron

Everyone knows about Ammon and heralds him as one of the greatest men called to serve in the Book of Mormon. What about Ammon's brother, Aaron? He served a mission too, he worked just as hard as Ammon. But he didn't seem to have the same success as his brother. Aaron faced harsh challenges that Ammon did not.  The scriptures tell us, "As it happened, it was their [Aaron and his companions] lot to have fallen into the hands of a more hardened and a more stiff-necked people". - Alma 20:30

When Aaron was imprisoned, I wonder if he had thoughts of failure? Or, did he trust that God was working behind the scenes through others? Because we know, in the end, Aaron had a great deal of success.

Do we trust in the bigger picture in our own lives?

Parenthood

It's easy to think about missionary service when we read these stories about Aaron and Ammon because, that's what they're about. But this last time I read these chapters in our family scripture study, I thought about parenting, about raising children, comparing one family situation to another.

You can have two families side-by-side, both sets of parents striving with all their might to raise their children up to be strong and valiant in the Gospel. Both sets love and care for their children, both provide all the necessities of life, both pray with them, testify to them, teach them the scriptures, take them to Church to be nurtured, and both try to give their children every opportunity to blossom and grow in faith and testimony.  And yet, they all turn out different.  Even some of our children may be described as "more hardened" than others.

Every family situation is completely different: circumstances, habits from upbringing, cultural traditions, individual personalities, challenges, opportunities, etc.  But one thing is the same all across the board.  None of us are perfect and all of us will struggle.

So, to you parents who have done all you could to raise your children right and you feel like you have lost the battle (like Aaron must have felt when he was in prison). Keep on keeping on! Don't give up. Don't quit. Stay faithful. Stay true. Stay on the path. Stay strong. Stay pure. Stay Gold!!

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Do Your Best and Don't Punish Yourself

"God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect.
Let me add: God is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not.
And yet we spend so much time and energy comparing ourselves to others—usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths. This drives us to create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. As a result, we never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does.

Everyone has strengths and weaknesses.
It’s wonderful that you have strengths.
And it is part of your mortal experience that you do have weaknesses.
God wants to help us to eventually turn all of our weaknesses into strengths,1 but He knows that this is a long-term goal. He wants us to become perfect, and if we stay on the path of discipleship, one day we will. It’s OK that you’re not quite there yet. Keep working on it, but stop punishing yourself.

....many of you are endlessly compassionate and patient with the weaknesses of others. Please remember also to be compassionate and patient with yourself.
In the meantime, be thankful for all the small successes in your home, your family relationships, your education and livelihood, your Church participation and personal improvement." - Dieter F. Uchtdorf

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Keep On Pushing Back the Dark

Some of the greatest people I have learned about throughout history and have known personally in my own life, have had some of the most difficult challenges, far more than I could ever comprehend... and yet, they continue to shine through it all.

There is no one greater than our Savior, Jesus Christ. He is what matters most in the final analysis- in what other's think of us, in who sees us, in final judgment, in our calling as parents, or in our service in the Church. No one is greater than God. If our hearts are aligned with Him and His words, if we are trying our best, nothing else really matters!

"The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?
Therefore,hold on thy way,  and the priesthood shall remain with thee; for their bounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever." D&C 121:8,9

-Alicia

Canker

In a plant, a canker is a fungal disease that causes rotting.

Similarly, on human flesh, a canker is the disintegration of the tissue.

What would be a canker to our spirit? Something that eats away at our relationships, deteriorates our affections, and disintegrates our faith and trust in God?  I believe one of the biggest spiritual diseases that rots away at our soul is contention.

We just finished Alma 19 as a family. This is the part where Ammon teaches King Lamoni the gospel of Jesus Christ, redemption from sin and death, and the plan God has for His children on earth. King Lamoni feels the witness deep in his soul of everything Ammon teaches him. The king is so overjoyed with the gospel of our Savior that he collapses into a sleep of heavenly visions. But when he doesn't wake up for a while, some of the people around him begin to think Ammon must have harmed the king, that he might be dead, or that the king is under a curse because of the murders he had committed before the gospel had ever been preached to him. Whatever their ideas were, a sharp contention rose among the people as they debated back and forth. 

The arguments and fighting that stirred among the people caused one woman in the crowd to be "exceedingly sorrowful, even unto tears." Her spirit was pure and humble and the angry atmosphere injured her heart. Contention is not of God and never will be. It cankers our souls and brings into our lives a deep and penetrating sorrow.  

In regards to the passages we read as a family this morning, we asked our children what they thought the cause of all the contention was, especially around an experience so sacred and spiritual for Ammon and King Lamoni.

Chandler gave a really good answer. He said, "The people started to fight hard with each other because they were trying to explain things with their own understanding. When we try to analyze miracles or spiritual experiences with our own mortal understanding, it will lead to our downfall."

(I am really proud of Chandler for that answer. He doesn't like to show a spiritual side around us but with our new way of scripture study over this past year, it has really helped him open up. And let me tell you, he can share some very profound thoughts!)

After our family study, I dug a little deeper and searched "contention" on scriptures.byu.edu and discovered a talk in 1989 by Elder Russel M. Nelson. I selected a small portion of it below:

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"Divine doctrine of the Church is the prime target of attack by the spiritually contentious. Well do I remember a friend who would routinely sow seeds of contention in Church classes. His assaults would invariably be preceded by this predictable comment: 'let me play the role of devil’s advocate.' Recently he passed away. One day he will stand before the Lord in judgment. Then, I wonder, will my friend’s predictable comment again be repeated?

Such contentious spirits are not new. In an epistle to Timothy, the Apostle Paul gave this warning, 'that the name of God and his doctrine be not blasphemed.'  1 Tim. 6:1

'If any man teach otherwise, and consent not to wholesome words, even the words of our Lord Jesus Christ, and to [his] doctrine … doting about questions and strifes of words, … supposing that gain is godliness: from such withdraw thyself.'  1 Tim. 6:3–5 see also  Isa. 29:21  2 Ne. 27:32  D&C 19:30  D&C 38:41  D&C 60:14

Dissecting doctrine in a controversial way in order to draw attention to oneself is not pleasing to the Lord. He declared:

'Bring to light the true points of my doctrine, yea, and the only doctrine which is in me.'

'And this I do that I may establish my gospel, that there may not be so much contention; yea, Satan doth stir up the hearts of the people to contention concerning the points of my doctrine; and in these things they do err, for they do wrest the scriptures and do not understand them.'  D&C 10:62–63

Contention fosters disunity. The Book of Mormon teaches the better way:

'Alma, having authority from God, … commanded them that there should be no contention one with another, but that they should look forward with one eye, having one faith and one baptism, having their hearts knit together in unity and in love one towards another.'  Mosiah 18:18, 21 see also  Mosiah 23:15" - Russel M. Nelson - April General Conference 1989 - The Canker of Contention

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MORE THAN EVER in our world today, WE NEED UNITY.  We need to come together in a spirit of gentleness, forgiveness, gratitude, in the Spirit of our Savior. Contention fosters the opposite, creates discord and disintegration of relationships, it eats away at our faith, fellowship, and family like a ulceric canker. It's an erosive disease and sows nothing but sorrow - especially the kind of contention aimed at the core doctrines of the Gospel.

“Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away.”  3 Ne. 11:29–30

Remember this?

Have you heard the new song by Imagine Dragons?  It's the theme song for the second Wreck-It Ralph movie and is destined to top all of the charts! 

Not the rhythm style but the humor style of the Zero video (usage of screenshots and the internet) reminds me of Pantomime.

Pantomime is one of their first hits I remember before they made it really big. (That's the year we went to see them in concert at the Venue in Salt Lake and all their CD's were only $5.)  Ah, this brings back some fun memories!

Zero - 2018

Pantomime - 2011

Jump-Scare

He always stays up later than anyone else in the family. Every night, Joseph and I are usually in bed for over an hour before Chandler. He has a very consistent routine he does before he finally shuts off all the lights. His routine always involves going outside to take a shower in our garage (that's the only place we have a shower) before he comes back in to our other bathroom next to our kitchen to brush his teeth, shave, and wash his face. 

Last night, I came down stairs after everyone else had gone to bed. My intention was to just grab some floss for my teeth and head right back upstairs. The lights were all on so I knew Chandler was still up, I peeked into his room to say goodnight but he wasn't there. Just then, I heard the side door next to our kitchen open. He must have been finishing up a shower.

As soon as I heard the doorknob turn, I had this urge to jump out and scare Chandler. I can't explain why I get this urge. It's like I see a perfect situation for a jump-scare and I absolutely can't resist the immense amount of pleasure it brings.

The lights in our living room were casting dark shadows into our music room (perfect for hiding). Chandler always walks through the music room to get to his bed - so I darted into the darkness and waited..... I laughed inside with anticipation.

I heard him lock the outside door behind him and cross into our other bathroom next to our kitchen where he proceeded to finish his evening routine. It took him longer than I expected but soon I heard him walking toward the music room and shutting off all the lights behind him, completely unaware of my presence.

He shut off the final light in the living room and the whole house was dark, except for a dim glow coming through the crack of his bedroom doorway. Everything was deathly quiet.

This was my moment.

I gave out a growl like a a gremlin as I reached for him out of the shadows. He leaped three feet into the air with a scream.

Oh, the satisfaction!!
His reaction was hilarious and I couldn't stop laughing.

Within a fraction of a vengeful second, he picked me up over his shoulder, threw me onto the couch, and sat on me. I laughed even harder to tears. The only thing that came out of his mouth was, "How long were you waiting for me, mom?" Me: still laughing... and him: still sitting dead-weight on me - I replied with the little breath I had in my squashed lungs, "For quite a while... You took forever in the bathroom....but the wait was worth every second!"

Stay Gold, Ponyboy!

Ah... **sigh**

This movie will never grow old to me. I love absolutely everything about it!

When Joseph and I arrived home from hanging out with our friends tonight, our kids had a second movie already started. Normally, we just allow them one movie while we're out. But they knew if they chose Mitty as a second show for the evening, no matter how late it was, I wouldn't want to shut it off. 

They were right.  I couldn't resist. 

I still love it for all the same reasons. 💓 

In the Midst of Opposition

Everywhere I turn these days, there seems to be some group or some one mocking the Church, mocking religion in general, or mocking any kind of belief in Christ.... and that antagonism seems to be rising.

But maybe it really isn't that new?

In my studies the other morning, I found this quote by John Taylor almost a century ago:

"The Gospel of the Son of God has always been obnoxious to a great portion of the human family. In it there is too much light, too much truth, too much intelligence; for the bulk of mankind; its principles are too pure, too noble, too elevating to accord with the general feelings of humanity and with that spirit that proceeds from the powers of darkness, and which rules in the midst of the children of disobedience. Eph. 2:2 

And hence people generally have been opposed to it, and they are opposed to it today. People oppose it, but they do not comprehend it. They speak against it; but they speak of that which they know not of. And while they think we are superstitious and ignorant, we know that they are; there is no doubt on that question. We know that they 'understand neither what they say, nor whereof they affirm.”'1 Tim. 1:7 Therefore to us they are objects of commiseration more than anything else.

Talk of Christianity and of the Gospel of the Son of God, in all the ages of the world, whenever and wherever it was proclaimed, there was a spirit of hostility and antagonism manifested towards it from the very first. We may go back as far as the days of Cain." - John Taylor


Despite how the world views faith and religion, I know that there is a God in Heaven who is a personal, loving, forgiving, Father to us all and that He hears our prayers. I've had innumerable prayers answered and have witnessed the hand of God all throughout my life, I cannot deny it. Jesus Christ is the Savior of the world, the Redeemer of us all, from sin and from death. He is love personified. I have felt that love time and time again!

With all my personal demons, my fears, my doubts, my insecurities, my failures, that could so easily drag me down to despair... I am constantly lifted up by the hope and comfort I find in my Savior, Jesus Christ.

I know that we can be guided through the language of the Spirit, through a regular study of the scriptures, and by those the Lord has chosen as prophets, seers, and revelators.

I know the Book of Mormon is true, the Bible is true, that Joseph Smith was a true Prophet of God and the Priesthood was restored through him. I love and honor the Priesthood. We have a living prophet on the earth today who speaks the will and mind of the Lord, here to guide this generation into safe paths and green pastures, I trust him and his divine calling.

I cannot express enough how grateful I am for the restored gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. I know it is true with all of my heart. I pray someday my children will have this same testimony embedded deep within their hearts.

Creating PEACE

8-28-18

I don’t know what started this downward spiral with my adopted daughter? Was it her fears or my fears that caused her to start acting out, or a little of both? When she first came to live with us in the middle of October last year, her behavior was absolutely angelic - she couldn’t have been more perfect. Of course, we all fell in love with her.

She never misbehaved in a violent way with us. There was one or two times though when I would pick her up from her bio-visits with grandma where she displayed violent, angry, outbursts: hitting her grandma, screaming like an animal, clawing and grabbing. I was shocked - she never behaved that way with us... Once we got her out of view of her grandma and drove away, she calmed down.  I’m sure that’s where my fears began though. Those scenes stuck in the back of my mind. It was only a matter of time before I’d experience them for myself.

Things started to change in our home around three-and-a-half months after she came to live with us. I really don’t know what it was. Maybe because she was starting to feel more comfortable with our family and she felt like she could let her guard down a bit? Or maybe it had something to do with her not being able to see her bio family as much and she was experiencing grief and loss? We don’t know exactly what triggered them but her meltdowns started occurring about once or twice a week then. I’m sure it was a combination of many things in her mind.

Just after her first couple of melt-down’s are when I started to worry that she might get worse.  Anxiety, fear, hurt, and guilt began to enter my mind more frequently. How did this happen? She was doing so well but she’s changing now. No matter how I tried, I couldn’t stop it. I could feel the negative emotions build greater towards her the more I tried to push them out. I knew she could sense it.

I’m sure it was on one of my more stressful days, one of those days where she was acting out so much that everyone else in the family was burnt out, completely spent. Usually they are quite tolerant. I could see they were overwhelmed and it made me overwhelmed. It must have been one of those days when her behavior and all the other demands of life were too much to bear... I lost it. I yelled at her, took her harshly by the arm up to her room, and spanked her on the bottom.

Of course, spanking her and yelling at her didn’t stop her though. It did absolutely zero good because it broke her trust that she was in a safe place and she only screamed harder, which scared me even more. Maybe it was then that both of us started to lose trust in each other where both of us began to feel a little more detached? After that, her melt-downs grew more frequent. It seemed her behavior became more spiteful. She cracked under the slightest circumstances. She began to create more fights with the other children, which only increased my fears and anxieties and caused ME to “lose it” on more occasions.

From her adorable smile,  no one would ever guess that she is having melt-downs several times a day: very intense, throwing her body violently and clawing at her face, kicking, screaming with a piercing pitch. I know in these moments she is desperately needing connection but with this kind of behavior, my knee-jerk reaction is to get angry with her, to yell at her to stop, or take her to her room harshly (which is the total opposite of connection). In these intense moments I have wanted so desperately to avoid showing my frustration with her that I end up avoiding her all-together. The irony is I will stay away as often as I can when she gets like this because I love her, because when she does those things I don’t feel like I self-regulate very well.  So, I separate myself... But to her this is also seen as rejection.

The hardest and sadest thing is that… Almost everything is rejection to her. If I don’t respond the very second she’s asking for something, she feels rejected. If I am spending time with another child, she feels rejected. If I tell her no or correct her in ANY way, she feels rejected. Which in turn, causes her to have all sorts of other behavioral outbursts.

I know disciplining her with a spanking or putting her in time-out doesn’t work. I’ve taken the TBRI classes. I know she is just craving connection. How do I connect when she keeps defaulting to a situation of disconnect? I feel like I’m stuck both ways!!



9-11-18

After many fervent prayers, soul-searching, and more therapy, I feel like things are getting better with Amillia… Or at least, I feel that I’m handling things better. I have gained a greater understanding that has given me a little more compassion in her extremely rough moments.

 I told her therapist about some of her violent tantrums that include her scratching her arms and face and smacking herself on the head. Her therapist said that these are signs of self-shaming. My heart sunk when she said that. I don’t know why it never occured to me, because it seems so obvious now. When this little girl is beating herself, she is telling herself she is horrible, a failure, not worth the love or attention. It made so much more sense as to why she does it but it made my heart hurt deeply. I never want Amillia to tell herself such terrible things. This new revelation opened me to more compassion.

Traditional parenting doesn’t work. It unravels all the trust the child needs to navigate regularly in life. It simply doesn’t work in the form of time-out, punishments like a swat on the bum, forcing, yelling, or making the child sit in a corner.

Amillia’s therapist referenced a very good parenting book for adoptive families and gave me four tools to use during her melt-downs: empathy, acceptance, and curiosity.

I created one more tool... (Ephesians 4:1-3) so I could make the acronym, PEACE, to help me remember:

Playfulness - Lighten the mood by turning things into a game as often as possible.
Empathy - When you discover what she is feeling, tell her about times in your own life when you felt the same emotions, when you felt scared, sad, angry, or worried.
Acceptance - Gentle physical touch, staying present, words of praise, giving warm and loving eye contact every single chance you get.
Curiosity - Focus on her feelings, not on her behavior. Ask her what she’s feeling.
Ephesians 4:1-3 - “Walk worthy of the [motherhood] wherewith ye are called, with all lowliness and meekness, with long-suffering, forbearing one another in love; endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”


It is taking me multiple failed attempts but I’m learning, slowly, slowly learning... hopefully....

My New Hero

We are in Alma 15 for our family scripture study. Verse 16 gives an example of meekness through the life of Amulek. Elder Bednar sighted this in his last conference address about the attribute of meekness comparing the difference between the rich young man's response to follow the Savior and Amulek's.

Amulek forsook, "all his gold, and silver, and his precious things, which were in the land of Amonihah, for the word of God, he being rejected by those who were once his friends and also by his father and his kindred." - Alma 15:16

How strong would my love for God need to be to have the kind of willingness to follow the Lord and remain true to my covenants... even if it means my friends and my own family will hate me, reject me???

We know it wasn't easy for Amulek because we can see in verse 18 -  It was probably his most difficult and agonizing time in his life. In fact, his tribulations were so great that he needed to receive a special priesthood blessing from the Prophet. (Alma 15:18) What's so inspiring is that after the blessing, Amulek went right back to work with amazing trust in God.

 Amulek's faith and meekness is impressive! He's not usually one of the firsts to come to mind when we think of Book of Mormon heroes... but I think he should be!

August 2018

The First of August always starts off with a very special day. Chandler turned 17 this year. I made his birthday sign to have his Soundcloud logo in the background- Slingshot!  And of course, Chandler is sporting  his Hardwell T-shirt.  His whole world is listening to and writing electronic dance music.

 It's ironic that the child of mine who usually ends up with  the most cavities also wanted her own dental kit. Kaylee worked hard and saved her money to buy these official dental tools. So cute! She especially loves the tiny mirror. Maybe she'll be a hygienist someday?

 I took Micah  grocery shopping at Sprouts. I guess I was taking a little too long picking out produce because when I turned around, Micah was standing by the potatoes sculpting a man on a chair with twistie ties. Just another example of Micah's endearing personality.

Piper is the new baby we watch Mondays through Fridays. All of the kids love her... and... I'm pretty sure Millie does too... Amillia is just having a very hard time with this transition . At least I was able to capture a small happy moment she had with her.

Chandler's good friend, Brandon, left on his mission this month. The morning Brandon left for the MTC, Chandler got up at 4:30am to ride the train to the airport.  Unfortunately, he missed his friend by a few minutes and was unable to see him off.  Chandler was pretty upset that he went through all the trouble to show Brandon support  only to get to the airport too late. When Chandler walked in the house later that day, Micah could see the disappointment on his face. 

A few minutes after Chandler's return, I witnessed Micah dash out of the house and head down the street to the 7Eleven. He returned home quickly searching for a piece of paper to attach to some goodies he had just purchased with his own hard-earned money from the convenience store. My heart melted!

Kaylee had fun making this little board game with her 4H Mentor. Joseph and I both tested it out and played several rounds with her. It was actually pretty fun and quite clever. 

Chandler's first day of being a Senior and Miriam's first day of being a Sophomore. And by the way, this is the classic face Chandler has made every year when school starts. Gotta love the enthusiasm! 

This month was Amillia's first ever birthday being a part of our family. She didn't get to see any of her biological family this year because we are taking a six month break from them in order for us to bond more closely with her. She can feel the loss and it has been a roller-coaster. I know that's why she acts out most of the time with her emotional melt-downs and is so excessively clingy with me. But for a good portion, she has been taking it in stride and continues to increase in resilience and strength. We love her and we're going to get through this!

Grandpa Manwill with Millie

We had a little family picnic up at Theater in the Pines. Lots of memories here. We love this place!

Watch out for photo-bombers. ;)

I spy Joseph and Miriam having a mid-week afternoon daddy-daughter date hanging out at the river next to his work. The kids love their one-on-one time with dad. Miriam is able to go up on her online school days.  The only kid who doesn't do this with Joseph is Chandler but that's because on the every-other-day he is out of school for his online classes, he's at work from 9am to 5pm. 

I canned peaches for the very first time in my life! And now that I've done it several times already this season, I'm pretty fast at it.  It felt good to learn something new... and it felt good to put my mom's canning supplies to use. I only wish I had done it last season when she was still around so I could show her. I'm sure heaven has a pretty good view though and that she is smiling from above.

Finding Balance

BYU starts for me in a couple days and I'm very excited! I'm taking a class on Greek and Roman literature. I'm extremely glad I've decided to take only one class each semester. It means I can enjoy school so much more and still take care of my family. Besides, I just don't think I could handle several classes and be able to balance my crazy life.

This semester I have a few new responsibilities and challenges to throw into the fray: I have weekly therapy for my foster daughter, post-adoption therapy for myself, and physical therapy for my dang neck (thankfullyt my greater occipital nerve is starting to regenerate and heal which is awesome but it also means constant headaches).

The biggest challenge we're facing this school year though is we're watching my friend's little baby Mon. through Fri. - her name is Piper and she's adorable! However, I am learning very quickly why the State doesn't allow foster families to foster any children for at least six months after the family has adopted a child. It can really throw the adopted child into a downward spiral.

Now, of course we aren't fostering Piper - we just watch her five days a week, while her mom is at work as a school teacher. We've only been doing it for two-and-a-half weeks so far....but these past couple weeks have been a little scary as we have witnessed our little Amillia take a turn for the worst.

Watching Piper is causing all kinds of insecure and jealous emotions to surface in Millie. She has had some pretty exhausting and violent melt-downs which tempt me to run away and hide... and the avoidant parenting style is the exact opposite of what Amillia really needs in those moments of her emotional collapse. But these violent tantrums have become so frequent I almost don't know any other way to handle it than to stay away from her.  (Which of course only makes her fears and insecurities grow). We're trying to be cautious about the situation and are seeking what is best. It might take some adjustments but I'm hopeful things are going to be okay. Millie is a smart girl and we strive to find ways all the time to reassure her she's not being replaced, that we love her even if we aren't always able to give her our full attention, and that Piper is only temporary.

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that life has its challenges.  And let's face it, sometimes it just straight-up sucks!  But we keep going, keep giving our best, and most importantly we keep our faith and hope alive, staying centered in the Gospel.

This morning in our family scripture study, one verse in Alma 13:28 led me to a really good conference talk referenced in scriptures.byu.edu about priorities. Some sound advice before entering another semester....

• "Brothers and sisters, we all face these kinds of struggles from time to time. They are common human experiences. Many people have heavy demands upon them stemming from parental, family, employment, church, and civic responsibilities. Keeping everything in balance can be a real problem.

• ...Sometimes we need a personal crisis to reinforce in our minds what we really value and cherish. The scriptures are filled with examples of people facing crises before learning how to better serve God and others. Perhaps if you, too, search your hearts and courageously assess the priorities in your life, you may discover, as I did, that you need a better balance among your priorities....

• A periodic review of the covenants we have made with the Lord will help us with our priorities and with balance in our lives. This review will help us see where we need to repent and change our lives to ensure that we are worthy of the promises that accompany our covenants and sacred ordinances. Working out our own salvation requires good planning and a deliberate, valiant effort." - M. Russel Ballard