All in One Week

My mom passed away Monday, we had her funeral on Wednesday, it was my parent's 45th wedding anniversary on Friday, and it's my mom's birthday today.

I needed to organize the funeral quickly. My brother, Kenneth, had to fly back to Texas with his family at 4:00 am Thursday morning. He wasn't sure if he'd be able to make a flight back if we did the funeral a week later and I couldn't bear the thought of Kenneth not being able to come back for the services. Just seconds after my mom's passing, I was on the phone with the funeral director, my parent's Bishop, their Relief Society president, calling family, and posting the date and time of the services before I even knew the mortuary could accommodate. I took my dad to the funeral home Tuesday and we spent most of the morning and afternoon getting everything together for the next day. I purchased a lapel/tie tack for my dad that has my mom's finger print on it.

The thought of my dad being alone on his wedding anniversary just two days after mom's funeral was heat-breaking. They usually do a temple session each year as part of their anniversary. I was honored to take my mom's place with my dad and go to the Provo City Center Temple with him. (This temple was dedicated two days after my mom's birthday in 2016.)

After the temple, I got my dad some lunch and we returned back to my house. Dad entertained the kids, especially Kaylee and Millie. He read them stories and played board games. I was so glad to have him with us. To top the evening off, I grabbed us all some Chinese take-out (Moms favorite food) and we watched the movie, Wonder (one of those movies that makes you laugh and cry and leave feeling more determined to be a better person). My dad loved it! I knew he would and I knew it was the exact kind of movie my mom would have chosen. It really was a perfect day.

Today is mom's birthday. To honor her, I have the fire opal around my neck that she bought me from her Caribbean cruise in January of this year. (That cruise was a gift from her foster family and I'm so glad she got to take it with dad.) In Relief Society, we're discussing two talks from this last conference. I have no doubt she would have chosen these herself. It has truly been a week Divine intervention and miracles! Happy Birthday, Mom! I love you! https://www.lds.org/general-conferen…/…/10/by-divine-design… and https://www.lds.org/…/20…/10/has-the-day-of-miracles-ceased

Tonight, I'm driving with Joseph up to my parent's house so my dad is not alone on mom's birthday. A few of his neighbors have planned a surprise party and will show up with cake and ice cream a little after I arrive. I want to stop by mom's grave today and place some flowers. Maybe we can go up a little earlier in order to do that.

It's so crazy how fast life can change in the blink of an eye. I've been listening to a CD these last few days by Brent L. Top called "What's On The Other Side". My cousin, Elizabeth, gave it to me the day after the funeral.

“I believe we move and have our being in the presence of heavenly messengers and of heavenly beings. We are not separate from them. … We are closely related to our kindred, to our ancestors … who have preceded us into the spirit world. We can not forget them; we do not cease to love them; we always hold them in our hearts, in memory, and thus we are associated and united to them by ties that we can not break. … If this is the case with us in our finite condition, surrounded by our mortal weaknesses, … how much more certain it is … to believe that those who have been faithful, who have gone beyond … can see us better than we can see them; that they know us better than we know them. … We live in their presence, they see us, they are solicitous for our welfare, they love us now more than ever. For now they see the dangers that beset us; … their love for us and their desire for our well being must be greater than that which we feel for ourselves." - Joseph F. Smith

-Alicia


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We were able to stop by my mom's burial spot just before visiting my dad on her birthday. The headstone had not been placed yet. We brought some artificial flowers to lay down on top of the ones from the services last week.

(I think it's more than coincidence that in my ward's Sacrament Mtg. and in Dad's ward too, the closing hymn was "I Know That My Redeemer Lives" (the same hymn we sang around my mom's hospital bed as she passed away and the same hymn we had at the close of her funeral). To me, it was mom's way of showing me how very alive her spirit still is.... Because my Savior lives, she lives also.

Happy Birthday, Mom 3-18-2018

When God Takes You Home

My younger brother shared this with me today. Of course, it made me cry. 

During those five agonizing days with mom in the ICU, with her completely unresponsive, and connected to all those tubes and machines -- I wished for something, anything I could do to help her. I went to the store and bought her some flowers to brighten up her room (but the ICU had strict rules against  flowers so I had to leave them in the waiting area). The second day at my dad's house, I did the laundry and cleaned the kitchen. I noticed my mom had left her tea cup out. I smiled at the memory it brought to mind - she and I used to always drink mint herbal tea together.  I gently put her cup back up on the shelf. It was hard to see the little items and things she left out of place not knowing she wouldn't return. 

I've listened to this song several times today and have cried each time. The artist lost his mom and he sings about Supermarket flowers and tea, about folding his mother's clothes, and putting her chairs away.  It's still so hard for me to believe that my mom is gone (at least from this mortal earth. I know her spirit lives on.) 

Her death happened so suddenly, completely without warning. I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye. The past few mornings I've woken up feeling like there's a massive gaping hole in my heart. It hurts so much! But I know she's in a good place, a beautiful, glorious place.. I know she's with God. 

"So I'll sing Hallelujah

You were an angel in the shape of my mom

When I fell down you'd be there holding me up

Spread your wings as you go

And when God takes you back we'll say Hallelujah

You're home"

-Alicia

All Part of His Plan

These last few days have been such a whirlwind!  I have had less than five or six hours of sleep since Wednesday night. 

The nurse last night said that my mom is on a small enough dosage of sedatives, that if she was going to show signs of waking up, she would have shown them by now. She's even lost her gag reflex ability, which is one of the most basic bodily functions. Even though we haven't had the MRI yet, the nurse says she has seen this many times before. She said she didn't want to dash our hopes, she just wanted to prepare us that it's very possible my mom will never wake up. All the other vitals in her body are good and stable at least right now. But she seems to be in a forever sleep. We have not been able to communicate with her, receive any kind of response (physical or verbal) since she went into cardiac arrest Thursday afternoon. I really believe our Spirits can communicate though. I always like to say that when we speak by the spirit and listen by the spirit we are using our "first language".

It's the strangest thing, none of us saw this accident coming. In fact, I was planning a big birthday party for her... it was going to be a combined birthday party with my mom and my niece (because her birthday is also in March like mom's). I was going to make a rainbow cake and little chocolate gold coins and decorate the house with other St. Patrick-themed items.  

My mom loves everything about the month of March and Saint Patrick's Day because her wedding anniversary is on the 16th and her birthday is on the 18th. I invited my sister and my brother who live  in Salt Lake to come. My mom also invited my brother to come to the party (it was the last voicemail she left on his phone). Both my sister and my older brother gave reasons of why they couldn't make it to the big party. Every time I invite them to dinner, they have some reason of why they can't come - I was sad by that, so was mom. 

Thursday, the 8th, around 4:45 pm, I had just dropped my three oldest kids off at the temple to do baptisms with one of their friends we invited.  I was in the underground parking of the city center Temple dropping them off at the doors so I could park the van. Right when I was getting ready to get out of my vehicle and into the temple to meet the kids, the phone rang from an unknown number. I answered but the call was choppy. I figured it was probably a telemarketer. The number called again, this time I could hear clearly. It was my dad, his voice was trembling and he sounded lost as he told me what happened. I was in shock, there was no warning, it hit me like a freight train out of nowhere. I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. I walked into the temple to tell the children, tears streaming down my face. My thoughts were racing and my heart was aching.  Standing at the recommend desk to greet me was Brother Allan Williams from my ward. I didn't know he worked there at that time. He asked what was wrong and I explained the situation. It was very comforting to have this dear brother from my ward greet me at that moment, almost as if the Lord was giving me a little nod saying, "Let your ward family be a strength to you, they are anxious to stand by your side through the unknown and frightening days ahead." 

The kids were all willing to walk back from the Temple. I rushed home to pick up Joseph and drive to the hospital. We got there about an hour after my dad's phone call. The drive up felt like an eternity!! On the way, I made phone calls to my other siblings, to my niece, aunts, uncles, and other family members. I had to leave a few messages because some people didn't answer. My brother from Texas called me back. As soon as I picked up the phone, all he could choke out was, "WHAT!"  He sobbed and sobbed repeating the same word over. It all seemed completely unbelievable. Not mom. Not now. How?!!

My mom had been sick with a cold for over a month. She had seen a doctor the day before where he did a chest x-ray and didn't notice anything. So my parents just assumed it was something she had to wait out. Thursday afternoon, she began having problems with wheezing and told my dad that she was really uncomfortable. He asked her what her pain level would be on a one-to-ten-scale. She said it was at a seven and wanted to lie down - so my dad helped her into bed and sat next to her. She asked if he would read the scriptures to her. He opened the pages and read where they had left off from the day before,  Then, my mom told him that her pain was getting worse and she was at a nine.

He immediately escorted her into the car with the intent to drive her to the emergency room. He sat her down in her seat and then walked around the car to the driver's side. As he got in, he looked over at her and watched her whole body go limp and her head fall back. He called the paramedics. They arrived within three minutes and had her on the stretcher by four minutes alternating between CPR and the defibrillator. Her heart stopped a few times on the way to Jordan Valley Hospital and again in the ER. They worked on her for almost two hours before they could get her safe enough out of risk from another cardiac arrest and move her up to the ICU.

For the first 24 hours, the nurses put my mom in an induced state of hypothermia to slow the blood in her body and prevent more brain damage. She was stripped naked and covered in an ice blanket that looked like blue bubble wrap. If that wasn't painful enough for me to see, those initial 24 hours for every twenty seconds her whole body would tense up, her jaw would bear down, and her eyes would burst wide open, staring intensely at nothing. This regular jolting was completely involuntary and I won't lie, it was horrible to watch!! The Cardiologist said the involuntary jolting was a very bad sign.  The traumatic  image of her repeatedly opening her eyes in a blank and terrified stare burned in my mind and kept me up all night long. Tubes were hooked up to every part of her body, to sedate her, to medicate her, stabilize her,  to help her breath, and cause her heart to beat. She didn't look like herself at all. 

The first night at the hospital, my sister stayed at my mom's bedside and I went with Alexa to be with my dad at his house so he  wouldn't be alone. The second night, I took a turn sleeping in the hospital. Last night, I slept at my dad's house again so I could fill his fridge with food, do some laundry for him and wash the dishes. My brother, Kenneth, was able to fly in with his whole family and arrived at 1am in the morning today. We helped him put his kids to bed and then drove him over to the hospital to see mom. I was relieved that finally she had got to have every one of her kids come to visit. 

Speaking of kids, I am so grateful for Joseph's unfailing and compassionate support through all of this. On that first night here, Joseph gave a beautiful prayer as we stood in the ICU waiting room, holding hands in a big family circle. Then he drove home to take care of our kids, allowing me to give my dad all the help I could.  For four straight days, Joseph has been holding down the fort with everything back at our house and has been absolutely incredible! 

That first night at my dad's house, the three of us  (me, Alexa, and dad)  knelt in a circle as I offered a prayer. We were all in tears afterward and I asked my dad if he could remember where in the scriptures he was reading exactly to mom before the accident. He couldn't remember anything off the top of his head. He looked around the room and  handed me his Book of Mormon with the bookmark still in place, "It was here," he said pointing to Mosiah Chapter 16. I read the verses out loud and a surge of the Spirit poured into my soul. How could it be a coincidence? 

Another meaningful scripture, that first night, came from Micah who emailed me at midnight. "Mom, when I was in the temple, I read these two verses, 'God has delivered me from prison, and from bonds, and from death; yea, and I do put my trust in him, and he will still deliver me. And I know that he will raise me up at the last day, to dwell with him in glory; yea, and I will praise him forever'  (Alma 36:27-28)  Anyway, that part really stood out to me." I told Micah that was the Lord's way of communicating with him concerning this particular circumstance. I was proud of him for being so in tune. 

I knew then and I know now that this is all in the Lord's hands, all part of his plan, and everything will work out as it should. We will have peace, angels, and the Grace of God to attend us through every step of the way. I pray this trial will bring us closer together with my siblings, with my family, and bring all of us closer to our Savior. I believe it will. I know that's my mom's wish too.