All Part of His Plan

These last few days have been such a whirlwind!  I have had less than five or six hours of sleep since Wednesday night. 

The nurse last night said that my mom is on a small enough dosage of sedatives, that if she was going to show signs of waking up, she would have shown them by now. She's even lost her gag reflex ability, which is one of the most basic bodily functions. Even though we haven't had the MRI yet, the nurse says she has seen this many times before. She said she didn't want to dash our hopes, she just wanted to prepare us that it's very possible my mom will never wake up. All the other vitals in her body are good and stable at least right now. But she seems to be in a forever sleep. We have not been able to communicate with her, receive any kind of response (physical or verbal) since she went into cardiac arrest Thursday afternoon. I really believe our Spirits can communicate though. I always like to say that when we speak by the spirit and listen by the spirit we are using our "first language".

It's the strangest thing, none of us saw this accident coming. In fact, I was planning a big birthday party for her... it was going to be a combined birthday party with my mom and my niece (because her birthday is also in March like mom's). I was going to make a rainbow cake and little chocolate gold coins and decorate the house with other St. Patrick-themed items.  

My mom loves everything about the month of March and Saint Patrick's Day because her wedding anniversary is on the 16th and her birthday is on the 18th. I invited my sister and my brother who live  in Salt Lake to come. My mom also invited my brother to come to the party (it was the last voicemail she left on his phone). Both my sister and my older brother gave reasons of why they couldn't make it to the big party. Every time I invite them to dinner, they have some reason of why they can't come - I was sad by that, so was mom. 

Thursday, the 8th, around 4:45 pm, I had just dropped my three oldest kids off at the temple to do baptisms with one of their friends we invited.  I was in the underground parking of the city center Temple dropping them off at the doors so I could park the van. Right when I was getting ready to get out of my vehicle and into the temple to meet the kids, the phone rang from an unknown number. I answered but the call was choppy. I figured it was probably a telemarketer. The number called again, this time I could hear clearly. It was my dad, his voice was trembling and he sounded lost as he told me what happened. I was in shock, there was no warning, it hit me like a freight train out of nowhere. I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. I walked into the temple to tell the children, tears streaming down my face. My thoughts were racing and my heart was aching.  Standing at the recommend desk to greet me was Brother Allan Williams from my ward. I didn't know he worked there at that time. He asked what was wrong and I explained the situation. It was very comforting to have this dear brother from my ward greet me at that moment, almost as if the Lord was giving me a little nod saying, "Let your ward family be a strength to you, they are anxious to stand by your side through the unknown and frightening days ahead." 

The kids were all willing to walk back from the Temple. I rushed home to pick up Joseph and drive to the hospital. We got there about an hour after my dad's phone call. The drive up felt like an eternity!! On the way, I made phone calls to my other siblings, to my niece, aunts, uncles, and other family members. I had to leave a few messages because some people didn't answer. My brother from Texas called me back. As soon as I picked up the phone, all he could choke out was, "WHAT!"  He sobbed and sobbed repeating the same word over. It all seemed completely unbelievable. Not mom. Not now. How?!!

My mom had been sick with a cold for over a month. She had seen a doctor the day before where he did a chest x-ray and didn't notice anything. So my parents just assumed it was something she had to wait out. Thursday afternoon, she began having problems with wheezing and told my dad that she was really uncomfortable. He asked her what her pain level would be on a one-to-ten-scale. She said it was at a seven and wanted to lie down - so my dad helped her into bed and sat next to her. She asked if he would read the scriptures to her. He opened the pages and read where they had left off from the day before,  Then, my mom told him that her pain was getting worse and she was at a nine.

He immediately escorted her into the car with the intent to drive her to the emergency room. He sat her down in her seat and then walked around the car to the driver's side. As he got in, he looked over at her and watched her whole body go limp and her head fall back. He called the paramedics. They arrived within three minutes and had her on the stretcher by four minutes alternating between CPR and the defibrillator. Her heart stopped a few times on the way to Jordan Valley Hospital and again in the ER. They worked on her for almost two hours before they could get her safe enough out of risk from another cardiac arrest and move her up to the ICU.

For the first 24 hours, the nurses put my mom in an induced state of hypothermia to slow the blood in her body and prevent more brain damage. She was stripped naked and covered in an ice blanket that looked like blue bubble wrap. If that wasn't painful enough for me to see, those initial 24 hours for every twenty seconds her whole body would tense up, her jaw would bear down, and her eyes would burst wide open, staring intensely at nothing. This regular jolting was completely involuntary and I won't lie, it was horrible to watch!! The Cardiologist said the involuntary jolting was a very bad sign.  The traumatic  image of her repeatedly opening her eyes in a blank and terrified stare burned in my mind and kept me up all night long. Tubes were hooked up to every part of her body, to sedate her, to medicate her, stabilize her,  to help her breath, and cause her heart to beat. She didn't look like herself at all. 

The first night at the hospital, my sister stayed at my mom's bedside and I went with Alexa to be with my dad at his house so he  wouldn't be alone. The second night, I took a turn sleeping in the hospital. Last night, I slept at my dad's house again so I could fill his fridge with food, do some laundry for him and wash the dishes. My brother, Kenneth, was able to fly in with his whole family and arrived at 1am in the morning today. We helped him put his kids to bed and then drove him over to the hospital to see mom. I was relieved that finally she had got to have every one of her kids come to visit. 

Speaking of kids, I am so grateful for Joseph's unfailing and compassionate support through all of this. On that first night here, Joseph gave a beautiful prayer as we stood in the ICU waiting room, holding hands in a big family circle. Then he drove home to take care of our kids, allowing me to give my dad all the help I could.  For four straight days, Joseph has been holding down the fort with everything back at our house and has been absolutely incredible! 

That first night at my dad's house, the three of us  (me, Alexa, and dad)  knelt in a circle as I offered a prayer. We were all in tears afterward and I asked my dad if he could remember where in the scriptures he was reading exactly to mom before the accident. He couldn't remember anything off the top of his head. He looked around the room and  handed me his Book of Mormon with the bookmark still in place, "It was here," he said pointing to Mosiah Chapter 16. I read the verses out loud and a surge of the Spirit poured into my soul. How could it be a coincidence? 

Another meaningful scripture, that first night, came from Micah who emailed me at midnight. "Mom, when I was in the temple, I read these two verses, 'God has delivered me from prison, and from bonds, and from death; yea, and I do put my trust in him, and he will still deliver me. And I know that he will raise me up at the last day, to dwell with him in glory; yea, and I will praise him forever'  (Alma 36:27-28)  Anyway, that part really stood out to me." I told Micah that was the Lord's way of communicating with him concerning this particular circumstance. I was proud of him for being so in tune. 

I knew then and I know now that this is all in the Lord's hands, all part of his plan, and everything will work out as it should. We will have peace, angels, and the Grace of God to attend us through every step of the way. I pray this trial will bring us closer together with my siblings, with my family, and bring all of us closer to our Savior. I believe it will. I know that's my mom's wish too. 

No More Tears

Liz and her husband, Brett

I got news early this morning that my cousin, Jordan, took his own life. He was a soldier in Iraq and suffered a great deal from PTSD. He had just returned home and was living with his sister, my cousin Elizabeth (Liz), and her husband.  They had been trying to help Jordan. I can't even imagine what Liz is going through right now.

Liz is one of my favorite persons in the world! She's absolutely gorgeous inside and out! Liz works full-time as an amazing nurse in the NICU at Primary Children's. She considers it an incredible blessing to care for newborns everyday because Liz has spent all her marriage unable to have children of her own. Her trial of being childless has been overwhelmingly heartbreaking - yet, she forgets her struggles and is constantly serving others.

She's one of the most Christ-like, self-less, loving friends and family members anyone could know.  She has a mother heart who desires to nurture and care for every soul. There are countless numbers of people who look to Liz as a brilliant light in this dark world -I know her brother, Jordan, did. She loved him so much!

I messaged my cousin this morning with prayers and sympathy.  I dedicated a few songs to her because music is healing for me. - It hurts to see her go through so much and know that there is so little I can do to help!

She can't go like this!

I nearly lost my sister today. She's in the hospital for attempting to take her own life this afternoon. I spoke with my niece, Alexa, a couple hours ago. My heart breaks for her.  Turns out the guy my sister married last year has been arrested for domestic violence.

I'm making arrangements to visit my sister this week.  They have her stabilized with oxygen and I.V.'s  The doctors say she should make it and I think the plan is to get her into a treatment facility this week.

It's interesting that before I got today's news, I've been having lots of thoughts about my sister. I've been waking up with her on my mind several times a week.  Over the past two months, I've tried to contact her.  I was in Salt Lake a few weeks ago and wanted to visit her at her work but she was too busy so I just dropped off some food at her apartment. I had a strange feeling when I stood outside the door there.  I just knew things weren't right.

Alexa confirmed my fears tonight when she told me about an indecent that happened just over a month ago where apparently, my sister was punched in the face by her husband. He was completely drunk. Can you believe my sister paid this creep's bail the next day for a thousand dollars? She barely has enough money to buy food!! My heart hurts so bad to see my sister in another abusive relationship.

I worry my sister won't live a very long life, even if she fully recovers from this suicide attempt.  My niece has the same concerns. She told me tonight how badly she wants her mother to live for many years to come, to see and hold her grandchildren someday.

Please Dear Father, help my sister to realize her own worth, to find a safe haven, to heal, to have hope for a better tomorrow, and know she is greatly loved. Please Lord, don't let her go this way!!

Above the Nay-saying and Pessimism

Yesterday, I attended the funeral for a young man, Jeromiah, who passed away a few short months from turning twenty due to complications he suffered with muscular dystrophy.  He had been diagnosed at the age of three and as each year passed, the disease took over his ability to walk, his ability to move his arms, his ability to speak very well, and eventually his entire body--except for very slight movements in a couple fingers. Spending most of his life in a quadriplegic wheelchair, this courageous young man refused to let his spirit be confined.  He graduated from college, was a graphic designer, a blogger, and was preparing to serve a mission for the Church. 

This excerpt from his Salutatory Address inspires me so much.  He said, "Let us be proactive and independent in our minds and motivations, above the nay-saying and pessimism we are sure to encounter. But let us still depend on those who care about us. May we be dependable citizens and reliable community members, to support each other as we go forth into the world and change it for the better." - Jeromiah Drennan

And he certainly changed the world for the better. I'm sure Jeromiah had his days where he struggled to live his own counsel but his accomplishments are proof that he truly practiced what he preached.

It's no surpise to me that he loved the book, Man's Search for Meaning. He completely understood that "Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." - Victor Frankl

Reflecting on all that was shared at the funeral yesterday, I'm compelled to ask myself, "What level of gratitude is in my heart and how can I avoid nay-saying and pessimism? Where do I limit myself? What practices, habits, or self-talk will free my spirit from being confined by the forces of opposition in my life?" 

One other quote given at the services yesterday was this description of the highest education by President Hinckley. I believe this education is more readily achieved when we grasp our true spiritual identity and the true spiritual identity of everyone around us--the untouchable portion of our soul that is of infinite worth to our loving Father in Heaven.

"Each day we are made increasingly aware of the fact that life is more than science and mathematics, more than history and literature. There is need for another education, without which the substance of secular learning may lead only to destruction. I refer to the education of the heart, of the conscience, of the character, of the spirit—these indefinable aspects of our personalities which determine so certainly what we are and what we do in our relationships one with another." - President Gordon B. Hinckley

What beautiful tributes were made to celebrate the life of Jeromiah yesterday! Physically limited but not spiritually bound, this young man may have had a completely immovable body - but oh how his spirit SOARED!!

-Alicia

Oh, Thank Heaven - Ponderize - Week 39

Yesterday, my husband and I rode his motorcycle to attend a family meeting with my father-in-law and all the adults.  When we arrived, it took a moment to adjust because my entire face and arms were numb from flapping in the wind at 80 mph for an entire hour. That's the furthest I've ever ridden with him.  

I love that my father-in-law does these meetings a couple times a year, that he recognizes his stewardship continues in many ways even though his children are grown.  At these meetings, he shares insights and lessons, gives counsel/ warnings, and bears testimony of the power of the Priesthood in our lives (both men and women).  Last night, he bore testimony of the ability we have to call on the powers of heaven, that God hears our prayers, and that no matter the difficulties we face in the future we can count on a sure knowledge that by faith, miracles happen!

After the meeting was over, we visited with one another for almost another two hours.  A couple of times, I looked around the room and was filled with gratitude for such an amazing family.  How I love these people!  I had a great conversation with my niece, Morgan.  She's back home after being away at college for a few years and it was so awesome to see how much she's matured.  She's just one of the adults now.

We left my father-in-law's home around 10:30.  I hopped on the bike with Joseph and before we entered the freeway I noticed the 7-11 sign, "Oh thank heaven!"
"Yeah" I thought.  I began to list the incredible blessings in my life:
The blessing of having an abundance of everything I need to stay alive.
The blessing of having four outstanding, creative, talented, beautiful, fun, and big-hearted children.
The blessing of holding on to my husband and knowing that we can get through anything together.
The blessing of knowing without any doubt that God is real, that He loves me, that He knows me, that He hears my every prayer, every longing, every desire of my heart, and that He's working things out in His timing for my good.
The blessing of knowing that no matter what happens in life, no matter the difficulties we might face now or in the future, we can call down heaven, and it will be alright.
My eyes began to fill with tears as my mind flooded with thoughts of every blessing, big and small, even the ones that have come through heartache and sorrow. I looked up at the stars and whispered a grateful "Thank You."

Riding late at night on the interstate at 80 mph with helmets as our only protective gear, caused my mind to drift to a few other thoughts.  "What if something went wrong right now? What if we hit a break in the road or had to suddenly dodge some debris? What if something happened that took both our lives right this very moment?  How exposed we are!  How vulnerable we are in this current situation!"  I held tightly to my husband's waist, the opposing force of the wind almost made my neck tired.  But I felt an awesome sensation.  I felt complete peace and totally calm! "What if it were my time, right now?" Without hesitation my whole soul answered, "I'd thank God for everything. What a ride it has been!"  I closed my eyes and the rushing speed of wind pulling on my body no longer felt like opposition but like a thousand angels surrounding me, enveloping me in a cloak of heavenly power and glory.

This morning, I read the verse where King Benjamin exhorts his people in Mosiah 2:19, "If I who ye call your king, who has spent his days in your service, and yet has been in the service of God, do merit any thanks from you, O how you ought to thank your heavenly King!" I thought of my experience on the motorcycle last night and the sensation of being embraced by a thousand angels.  I cross-referenced to several verses about gratitude and found a song that David wrote in Psalms 34:1-4.

You gotta love David, this is a guy who knows how to speak my language. :)

"I will bless the Lord at all times: 

His praise shall continually be in my mouth.

My soul shall make her boast in the Lord: 

The humble shall hear thereof, and be glad.

O magnify the Lord with me, 

and let us exalt his name together.

I sought the Lord, and he heard me, 

and delivered me from all my fears."

-Alicia

To take the sorrow out of death...

My blog friend, Ramona, lost her husband a couple of weeks ago on March 23rd.  He was only 58.

Today, April 15th, is Ramona's birthday.  How strange it must feel to have this day of birth "to celebrate" when half of your body and soul has been torn from you.

"To everything there is a season"... and this is a season of mourning for my friend.  I pray for her. I ache for her.

I'm reminded of President Nelson's words, "Irrespective of age, we mourn for those loved and lost. Mourning is one of the deepest expressions of pure love. It is a natural response in complete accord with divine commandment: “Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die.” (D&C 42:45.)

Moreover, we can’t fully appreciate joyful reunions later without tearful separations now. The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life."

We live over 2,000 miles apart and I wish with all my heart I could be closer so I could serve her and help her during this tremendously lonely and mournful time.

This song is for you, Ramona.

Held

-Alicia

Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep

"On the day following the preparation,' that is to say on Saturday, the [Jewish] Sabbath and 'high-day,' the chief priests and Pharisees came in a body to Pilate, saying: 'Sir, we remember that the deceiver said, while he was yet alive, After three days I will rise again.  command therefore that the sepulcher be made sure until the third day, lest his disciples come by night, and steal him away, and say unto the people, He is risen from the dead: so the last error shall be worse than the first.'" - Jesus the Christ p.665

So Pilate ordered a large stone to be rolled in front of the tomb and guards to secure the opening.  But nothing could hold back the Spirit of the Lord. The Savior had already gone to spirit paradise to visit and teach those who had died before him.

" Now, concerning the state of the soul between death and the resurrection—Behold, it has been made known unto me by an angel, that the spirits of all men, as soon as they are departed from this mortal body, yea, the spirits of all men, whether they be good or evil, are taken home to that God who gave them life.

  And then shall it come to pass, that the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow." - Alma 40:11-12

There's a lot to think about today as we ponder upon the life of our spirit and physical death. One thing I do know, is that light is eternal.  Today, I am reminded of this gorgeous poem sung by Libera.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.

I am not there; I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there; I did not die

- Mary Elizabeth Frye

Understanding the Pain of Separation

I've made a goal to buckle down and work on my Young Women's Personal Progress.  I've chosen every Tuesday morning to be my day for this.  It's pretty easy to record online and I can enter my journal notes right there on the website.  As young women leaders, we're all going to take turns letting the girls know how our own progress is going and we hope it will inspire them to keep moving on theirs.

This morning, I spent some time studying about the Atonement and the Plan of Salvation.  In the church, these are fundamental doctrines we have learned over and over our entire lives.  With the frequency of these topics, it might be easy to lose interest but I was really grateful to take a moment, read the scriptures related, and reflect on a couple of questions.  "How does the knowledge of these teachings affect my actions, help me understand my identity, and strengthen my faith?"

Understanding that we are literal spirit children of God, that we lived with Him before we came to earth, that we knew each other, is an incredibly amazing teaching.  It's unique to the Restored Gospel but I believe that there are many outside the church who have been given a sense of this great truth:

"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience." -Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations - these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit - immortal horrors or everlasting splendors.” 
― C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

Our spirits are eternal in nature.  This tangible light has a life-span we cannot comprehend. Joseph Smith expounded in his King Follett Sermon;

"I want to reason more on the spirit of man; for I am dwelling on the body and spirit of man—on the subject of the dead. I take my ring from my finger and liken it unto the mind of man—the immortal part, because it had no beginning. Suppose you cut it in two; then it has a beginning and an end; but join it again, and it continues one eternal round. So with the spirit of man. As the Lord liveth, if it had a beginning, it will have an end. All the fools and learned and wise men from the beginning of creation, who say that the spirit of man had a beginning, prove that it must have an end; and if that doctrine is true, then the doctrine of annihilation would be true. But if I am right, I might with boldness proclaim from the housetops that God never had the power to create the spirit of man at all. God himself could not create himself.

Intelligence is eternal and exists upon a self-existent principle. It is a spirit from age to age and there is no creation about it. All the minds and spirits that God ever sent into the world are susceptible of enlargement."

God is an eternal being, we are all eternal beings.  God is all about gathering, about "oneness", about togetherness.  Even when we speak of being separated from God, it is not His undoing but our own.  He is not the one who severs ties, who divides relationships, or breaks apart - these are things that exist in the physical and temporal realm.  And those who never learn to live by and receive Christ's spirit will be bound to this physical and temporal plane of existence.

This must be why there is pain in separation, because such an experience flows completely contrary to our Divine nature.  Nevertheless, it is a necessary part of our growth and learning.  Everything that hurts us, that is painful, ministers to our mortal education here on earth. But with the Gospel lens of truth, we have a glimpse of Heaven and we are given strength to endure.

"Though otherwise 'lively,' hope stands quietly with us at funerals. Our tears are just as wet, but not because of despair. Rather, they are tears of appreciation evoked by poignant separation. They will change, erelong, to tears of glorious anticipation. Yet the emptiness is so real and so restless it initiates a retroactive inventory of what is now so painfully missing, doing so, however, while forecasting fulness and resplendent reunion!" - Neal A. Maxwell

"When such a friend from us departs,
We hold forever in our hearts
A sweet and hallowed memory,
Bringing us nearer, Lord, to thee." - Hymn #293

We could try to numb ourselves and pretend there is no ache, no pain when we are separated from those we love but such an attempt would only prove to dull the Divine attributes inherent within us and thwart our progress.

"Moreover, we can’t fully appreciate joyful reunions later without tearful separations now. The only way to take sorrow out of death (or separation) is to take love out of life." - Elder Russell M. Nelson

We find hope in Christ, knowing that He has bridged the gulf of the great divide and through His great atoning sacrifice, there is no such thing as the end, there is no such thing as separation, no more farewells and no more goodbyes.  We find our our way "home" in eternal principles.

"There is no end to matter; There is no end to space; There is no end to spirit; There is no end to race. There is no end to virtue; There is no end to might; There is no end to wisdom; There is no end to light. There is no end to union; There is no end to youth; There is no end to priesthood; There is no end to truth. There is no end to glory; There is no end to love; There is no end to being; There is no death above. There is no end to glory; There is no end to love; There is no end to being; There is no death above."

-Alicia

Only the Beginning

My nephew, Dane, returns home from his mission in January.  I can't believe it's been two years already.  What a faithful and dedicated missionary he has been!  I am so very proud of him.  As he's approached the end, he has felt very torn.  He has expressed in his letters his desire for more time.  How can it be over when it seems as if he's only just begun? There is still so much to learn, so much more to be done.

As I've pondered about this bitter-sweet moment for my nephew and the closing of his mission, I can't help but parallel it to our lives here on earth, how fast the years will go and how soon we will be called home.  Even if it isn't until we are ninety years old, will we look back at our life's mission and desire more time? What a blessing it is to know that it will not be the end, that we will go on learning, that we will continue to grow and that the sweet associations we enjoy here will be even sweeter, more beautiful, and far brighter in heaven.

Thank goodness that in the big picture, death is not the end.  We will continue on.

"One school is finished, and the time has come for another to begin." - Richard Bach, Jonathan Livingston Seagull

Victor Hugo observed,
"The nearer I approach the end, the plainer I hear around me the immortal symphonies of the worlds which invite me. . . . For half a century I have been writing my thoughts in prose and verse; history. . . . I have tried all. But I feel I have not said a thousandth part of what is in me. When I go down to the grave, I can say, like so many others, 'I have finished my day’s work,' but I can not say, 'I have finished my life.' My day’s work will begin again the next morning. The tomb is not a blind alley; it is a thoroughfare. . . . My work is only beginning." 

-Alicia

Beyond Understanding

We gathered with loved ones to celebrate my nephew's baptism the weekend after October's General Conference.  With the prophet's and apostle's words of counsel and wisdom still fresh on our minds, there was plenty to talk about.  I had a very pleasant visit with one of the aunts from my nephew's "other side of the family." My brother-in-law, Russ, joined our discussion as he pulled up a chair and sat down next to us.  Our conversation shifted to the movie, Just Let Go, my husband and I saw the night before:
As he listened to our review, I asked, "Have you heard the story of Bishop Williams?"
He recalled, "Yeah, that's the man who lost his two kids and pregnant wife in a car accident, right?"
"Yes, and there's a Mormon Message about him that came out several years ago. His process of grief is very intriguing."
We shared our various thoughts and discussed our limited views on his experience.
Russ suggested to me, "You'd would probably enjoy reading C.S. Lewis' book, A Grief Observed."
I responded with my love for C.S. Lewis' writings and told him, "I've read a few of his books but I haven't read that one.  I'll have to check it out."
Eagerly, I went to the library that same day and picked it up.

About a week or so later, I sat next to a very sweet woman in our Stake Choir who recently became a widow.  Before Stake Conference began and the congregation started to trickle in, I asked her how she was doing.  She confided and opened up her sorrow to me.  She said that approaching each new day without Lloyd was like trying to operate life with half her body severed off.
I told her that her description sounded very much like C.S. Lewis' words when he lost his wife.
I asked if she had read A Grief Observed and explained the book to her.
"No. That sounds like a great one though.  I need to look it up."
"It is really good and it's less than 100 pages.  I'm in the middle of reading it right now."
We took our seats as the organ began to play.  The meeting was about to start.
During the various talks, I continued to think about my grieving friend.
For one of the rest hymns the choir and congregation sang, "Onward Christian Soldiers."
As we stood, I wrapped my arm around this dear woman as a gesture to encourage her onward in her battle.  I could feel that she was weary and worn.  She reciprocated with a grateful sigh and wrapped her arm around me.  Each time we sang the chorus, I envisioned her angel husband as the one holding her.  After the song was over she said with tears in her eyes, "Lloyd loved that hymn."

Her story, Bishop William's story, and C.S. Lewis' book has left me thinking very deeply.  In all of these cases, they went through a period where they begged and wished to have just one more moment with their loved one.  But it was not to be and no amount of pleading with God could bring them back.

Lewis mourned, "Suppose that the earthly lives she and I shared for a few years are in reality only the basis for, or prelude to, or earthly appearance of two unimaginable, supercosmic, and eternal somethings.  Those somethings could be pictured as spheres or globes.  Where the plane of Nature cuts through them - that is, in earthly life- they appear as two circles (circles are slices of spheres).   Two circles that touched.  But those two circles, above all the point at which they touched, are the very thing I am mourning for, homesick for, famished for.  You tell me, 'she goes on.' But my heart and body are crying out, come back, come back.  Be a circle touching my circle on the plane of Nature.  But I know this is impossible.  I know that the thing I want is exactly the thing I can never get."

He goes on to describe the cruelty of God and his feelings of complete abandonment.   I was surprised to see the testimony of one so great as Lewis shaken to the very core.  He spent so much time preaching the word and wrote the most beautiful sermons on faith but he admitted when faced with this trial,  all his instruction was much easier said than done.

In his agony something beautiful began to happen though, and he gained some valuable insight.  He began to discover himself to see his own heart in a different light.  He reflected,"Only torture will bring out the truth.  Only under torture does he discover it himself." 

I found his thoughts about petitioning God very interesting:
  "You can't see anything properly while your eyes are blurred with tears.  You can't, in most things, get what you want if you want it too desperately:  anyway, you can't get the best out of it.... I have gradually been coming to feel that the door is no longer shut and bolted.  Was it my own frantic need that slammed it in my face:  The time when there is nothing at all in your soul except a cry for help may be just the time when God can't give it:  you are like the drowning man who can't be helped because he clutches and grabs.  Perhaps your own reiterated cries deafen you to the voice you hoped to hear.

On the other hand, 'Knock and it shall be opened.'  But does knocking mean hammering and kicking the door like a maniac?  And there's also 'To him that hath shall be given.'  After all, you must have a capacity to receive, or even omnipotence can't give.  Perhaps your own passion temporarily destroys the capacity."

This description of panic and trepidation sound like an immobilizing fear to me.  How can we expect to exercise our faith and hold the outstretched hand of God when our fists are clenched so anxiously tight?  Like he said, "You must have a capacity to receive, or even Omnipotence can't give." 

 It seems as though the surrender doesn't come at once for anybody but rather through a process of time.  It's a constant struggle of letting go day after day, after day, like learning to walk again after having half your limbs severed.... all the while the battle cry sings out, "Onward Christian Soldier!"

There is beauty in surrender, a peace and rest that come to one's soul in the relinquishment of our will and trusting that God sees the bigger picture. Through it all we might ask a thousand questions.
And it may be with us as it was for C.S. Lewis "When I lay these questions before God I get no answer.  But a rather special sort of 'No answer.' It is not the locked door.  It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze.  As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, 'Peace, child; you don't understand.'"

Maybe that's how we let go?... when we stop trying so hard to understand it all, to have every single question answered.  to embrace the  "peace of God, which passeth all understanding," peace that goes beyond what is explained, to trust as Browning said, "God is in His heaven, all's right with the world."  This "shall keep [hold together] our hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."- Philippians 4:7

-Alicia

Learning to Let Go

Colors of gold, crimson, and yellow shine with fiery splendor in the evening sun,

Swaying in the branches like elegant silk fans waving in the hands of royalty.  

Majestically stunning are the canopies of leaves that fill the trees of autumn.  

A kaleidoscope of delicate parasols dance gracefully away and blanket the ground.  

I am filled with wonder as I lay on this vibrant patchwork spread beneath me.

Gazing up at the decorative boughs above, I watch quietly as more colors fall.

It's strange how beautiful the death of a leaf can be.    

The wind, like the Spirit, pulls each one from the grasp of the tree's fingertips,
What am I supposed to learn from this?

It whispers to me, "There are moments we hang on to and others we let go."

Perhaps this is the lesson God is trying to impress upon my heart;

To let go of my own interpretations, to release the need for all the answers,
To be at peace with the unknown, embrace the magic of the present, 

And trust myself to the wind no matter how vagrant I feel.
I close my eyes and question how I got here.  I guess it doesn't matter.

I breathe in deep the crisp harvest air and delight in the taste-

It's refreshing like sipping hot spearmint and chamomile tea on a winter's night.

All of creation is in the hands of God.  I nestle into the earth and feel heaven holding me.

I am not alone but am cared for like His finest and most precious jewel. 

He holds my future through every season.  I trust Him with all of my heart.

Happy day, all is well.

-Alicia

A Living Prayer

I imagine that a great deal of people have a song or two they've requested to be played when they die. My desire when I leave this world is for someone to play "I Hope You Dance" by, Lee Ann Womack"  The lyrics reflect the wish I'd have for all of my loved ones.

But what if we could choose a specific song when we entered into this world?  If I could go back to that day and request one, this would be the song I'd choose for my life.  This is my prayer.

"A Living Prayer"

by, Alison Krauss

In this world I walk alone with no place to call my home

But there's one who holds my hand

The rugged road through barren lands

The way is dark, the road is steep

But He's become my eyes to see

The strength to climb, my griefs to bear

The Savior lives inside me there

In your love I find release

A haven from my unbelief

Take my life and let me be

A living prayer my God to thee

In these trials of life I find

Another voice inside my mind

He comforts me and bids me live

Inside the love the Father gives

In your love I find release

A haven from my unbelief

Take my life and let me be

A living prayer my God to thee

take my life and let me be

A living prayer my God to thee

I am richly, richly blessed.  I thank God for my life.  I am happy, truly happy with all that I have... and it's all because of Him.

- Alicia :)

Appointment Reminder

Do you ever get those appointment reminders on your phone from your doctor or dentist?  You know those texts that come in telling you the exact time of day you are scheduled to meet with him. They're nice to get because life can be hectic and those little reminders help us to plan ahead.

Wouldn't it be nice if we knew when our scheduled time was to meet with God?

Although we may not know when that day or hour will be, we have been told what we should do in the meantime.  We have the opportunity to plan ahead.  Alma taught that there is "a space granted unto man in which he might repent; therefore this life became a probationary state;a time to prepare to meet God" (Alma 12:24) We would do well to "search our heart" while in this life for God knows it.

As to matters of the heart, let me interject for a moment with a story:
Paul Cardall is a very talented and successful musician, a beautiful pianist. Paul was born in 1973 with Congenital Heart Disease and had only one working ventricle.  He was expected to live a few days after his birth but instead lived into adulthood. For most of his growing-up-years, he lived quite a normal and healthy life. Then in 2008, his one working ventricle began to decline rapidly and he was listed for a transplant.  As he waited for a donor to provide him with a new heart, he started writing a blog called "Living for Eden" named after his daughter, Eden.  I followed his blog through this struggle and was constantly inspired by his wisdom and his unique outlook.

 I remember one particular blog post, he said that he viewed his situation as a blessing, a wonderful gift!  He said that he wished more people had the opportunity to face the prospect of death everyday.  The paradox of this outlook was that it allowed him to appreciate life more, to be grateful for the smallest things.  It helped him to keep his thoughts and his actions in line with the Savior because he was in a constant state of preparation to meet Him.

Most of us are not faced with a life-threatening disease like Paul was.  We have not been given an expected time of death by our physician.  Life just keeps happening for us and dying is not something we think much about, not for ourselves at least.  But what if it was tomorrow?  What if this was our last day on earth?  Would we see things differently?  Would we soak up the little things more, like being able to walk or run and breathe fresh air?  Would we take the time to show our children that they mean everything to us?  Would we show a little more affection and appreciation to our spouse?  Would we be slow to anger, slow to judge, and quick to forgive or assume the best in others?

Alma also teaches that "It was appointed unto men that they must die" - Alma 12:27  We have an appointment!  We just don't know when or where that appointment will be and we most likely won't get a pop-up reminder on our phone. But I believe God in his mercy has given us "appointment reminders." They're called the scriptures!  We have this time to prepare.  What does it say in Alma 12:24?  How do we prepare?

We repent!

The Bible Dictionary describes repentance as the following: "The Greek word of which this is the translation denotes a change of mind, a fresh view about God, about oneself, and about the world. Since we are born into conditions of mortality, repentance comes to mean a turning of the heart and will to God, and a renunciation of sin to which we are naturally inclined."

I love this!  I love that repentance means a "change of heart" a new heart.  We all suffer from "spiritual heart disease" it's absolutely fatal and we realize that our life is on the line!  We need a transplant and thankfully the Lord is our "donor" - he laid down His life for us that we might have this "new heart" we are in such desperate need of.

He said, "A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh.  And I will put my spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes, and ye shall keep my judgments, and do them." -(Ezekiel 36:26-27)

Paul finally received his new heart after waiting 385 days and he is vibrant and alive as ever today.  But what a blessing those 385 days were! What wisdom instilled upon his soul as appreciation for his life and the life of his family became his daily reflection.  He was given a fresh view about God, about himself, and about the world around him.

 The reality is, we don't know when our last day on earth will be.  And maybe it's best that we don't know because maybe we would "procrastinate the day of our repentance." Maybe instead we should anticipate our "appointment to die" like Paul did - every day!  And by doing so, we might experience a change of heart and have a fresh view too.

May we have eyes to see clearly, to focus on the beauties and wonders all around us.  What a gift we have to be alive! We are so blessed.  If today was our last day, would we be more grateful for what we have?

We would all do well to take the advice of President Hinckley and "stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight. I am suggesting that as we go through life, we 'accentuate the positive.' I am asking that we look a little deeper for the good, that we still our voices of insult and sarcasm, that we more generously compliment and endorse virtue and effort... turn from the negativism that so permeates our culture and look for the remarkable good in the land and times in which we live; that we speak of one another's virtues more than we speak of one another's faults: that optimism replace pessimism; that uncertainty and worry be pushed aside by an enduring feeling of hope."

There's my appointment reminder for the day.
-Alicia