Pushing Every Limit

Today was rough. Every child tests their boundaries.

I'm bonding really well with the younger foster child but I'm struggling with the older one. I know that most of his rude and obnoxious behavior is normal in his mind and just habitual from the environment he's been used to all his life. We're not used to it though... and I guess he's trying to see how far we'll deal with it. He has very little regard for authority or personal space. He's a good kid, just most of his poor behavior comes from a lack of understanding of how to have appropriate interactions. 

We were supposed to have family night tonight but things fell apart.  I think Micah has been holding a lot of his emotions in and tonight they surfaced--stinging, raw, exposed.  My heart went out to him because I know he's been using every effort to not yell out in frustration with his new roommate. My heart also went out to our foster son because the poor kid's life is in pieces. He doesn't want to be here, he wants his family back, and he's terrified!

We want to be refined and this is definitely refining. I'm exhausted. Joseph is exhausted. We look at each other and wonder what on earth we've gotten ourselves into. All we can do is hold on and keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other.  I pray: Lord, give us strength!

-Alicia

For the Hard Days...

I've recently heard about JamesTheMormon.  He's a BYU student, a rapper, and Mormon (Hence the name). This guy is really cool because he uses his talents to share uplifting encouraging lyrics and the Gospel.  This is a fun clip my son and I watched today.  It's amazing how a little music can turn any moment around. This video does a good job sharing that message. It's a modern day "shoulder to the wheel" song. 

I also saw a quote that fits perfectly with this video...

Finding these things today reminded me of a really great quote by President Packer:

“If [we] have a good, miserable day once in a while, or several in a row, stand steady and face them. Things will straighten out. There is great purpose in our struggle in life.”

Anyway... Just a few thoughts for when things don't go according to plan or when life is just hard.  Keep on keeping on!

-Alicia 

First World Problems

This past week has been extremely taxing on all of us--car problems, several expensive things breaking, trying to balance the kids school / my school, and of course the big move. All of it has left Joseph and me physically worn and emotionally drained (not the best combination). We've tried so hard to encourage each other and avoid dragging ourselves down. I really felt bad complaining because we've had so many little tender mercies through it all.

A few evenings ago, I was at the lowest I've been in a long time, I felt numb to everything around me, just lost in a daze.  I'm not easily depressed but it hit me hard Monday night.  It made it even more tough to see that Joseph felt worse than I did. Usually, when one of us is down, the other one of us is up, and we can help pull the other out of it. But it's especially hard when we're BOTH feeling low. (Any married couple knows exactly what I'm talking about. You want to buoy each other up and you feel bad that you can't.)

 The next morning, after I prayed and studied, I watched the video about the refugees from the Middle East and was instantly humbled.  My problems seem so petty, so "first world" compared to these poor families. I felt like I'd been behaving like a spoiled child. As I listened to the refugees tell their stories, I marveled at how I could ever complain about anything.  Strangely, I felt the burdens on my shoulders lifted as feelings of compassion distilled on my heart. I have so much more than I deserve, a million times more.

I guess it's all how we choose to look at our lives. It reminds me of that old Indian proverb, "I used to complain that I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet."

-Alicia

"Why is it that ye are so fearful?"

It has been almost a week now since our van has been in the repair shop.  Finally, they think they have diagnosed the problem; another circuit module issue that transmits the wrong messages and causes engine failure. It will cost us over $1,600 to replace this module just to see if they have truly pegged the culprit.  The Chevy dealer informed me their factory records indicate our van was brought into his shop on two other occasions; First, when Via Motors realized they had a failed "science experiment" on their hands and took it in at 3,000 miles due to a messed up computer system... And second, when Dastrup Auto brought it in at 6,000 miles due to a different short-circuit module.

...And here we are bringing it back at 9,000.

...Now when we do the math, it seems if we continue with this vehicle, we will have nothing but nightmares every 3,000 miles. We just can't get over why NONE of this was on the CarFax, not a trace!

My husband has begun to ask some of the same questions I was asking last Saturday: "Why didn't the Spirit warn us?  Why did we feel fine about everything when we made the purchase?"

Last night, Joseph couldn't contain his frustration as he shouted, "I'm not so sure I even understand what the purpose of praying about anything does anymore, especially when we can't even recognize the answers! Why do we keep being led into situations like this?! Maybe we haven't been led at all?"

I understood his feelings but there was nothing I could say to console him.  He continued,

"Alicia, what if we move into this house and find out that we are in way over our heads?! What if we have emergency repairs crop up like these cars but only a hundred times worse?! What do we do then? We can't do anything because we're bound into these contracts!  Do you realize we're stuck!! Absolutely stuck!! And don't tell me to 'keep the faith', I'm tired of hearing that it will all work out because it's not! Nothing is working out!  This is a huge mess and faith hasn't gotten us anywhere!!"

I didn't know what to say to him.  I was completely at a loss of words. I get what he's saying, I totally get where he's coming from. I don't know what to do either. We are expected to close on our house in two weeks. What are we doing?!! This is crazy!!

Somehow, I still really feel like we're going to be okay (aside from the ulcers I think I'm developing.  I can't pretend that these past few months haven't been horribly uncomfortable and terribly strenuous).

I've been reading in the first chapter of Nephi again and I suppose with Lehi's journey, they could've had some similar doubts about the directions they were given:

• If the brass plates were so important and if Lehi was so inspired, why didn't the Lord command Lehi's family to get them before they left Jerusalem? Why did they have to travel all the way out of the city for miles and then backtrack? Isn't that wasted time and energy?

• If Nephi was such a spiritual guy, why did he have the idea to give all their family's gold and silver to negotiate the trade with Laban only to have that attempt completely backfire and lose all their money? Doesn't it seems like a completely pointless loss?

I don't know the answers to these questions anymore than I know the answers to our current situation. I just know that the Lord won't let us fail.  And in the words of Nephi, "I know that He shall prepare a way for [us] to accomplish the things He has commanded us", the things that matter most.

And what matters most at this point?

It matters that we keep praying, keep moving, keep believing, keep focusing on and recognizing the blessings and the good that is happening through all of this.  I honestly don't think the Lord is so extremely concerned with what, in life, happens to us - Instead, I believe God is far more interested in how we choose to happen to life.  It's so important that no matter the circumstances, no matter the difficulties, we choose to remain faithful to God, "at all times, in all things, and in all places, even unto death." (Mosiah 18:9)

I read a talk by Elder L. Whitney Clayton from 2001, that corresponded with my scripture study this morning and I greatly appreciated this testimony:

All of us have come face-to-face with difficult, even desperate hours, when with tears we have fallen on our knees and pled as did this father, ‘Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.’

Just as the Savior stood ready to help this father whose son was “sore vexed,” (Matt. 17:15) so is He ready to help our unbelief today so that with faith we can survive our mortal struggles and “come off conqueror.” (D&C 10:5)

Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is the first principle of the gospel and is more than mere belief.  Faith is a “hope for things which are not seen, which are true.” “Faith always moves its possessor to … physical and mental action.”  “To have faith in Jesus Christ means to have such trust in him that we obey whatever he commands. There is no faith where there is no obedience.”

[See  A of F 1:4 Bible Dictionary, “Faith,” 669–70.] ( Alma 32:21 see also  Heb. 11:1  Ether 12:6) [Bible Dictionary, 670.] [Gospel Principles (1997), 118.]

Amidst all these storms and turmoil, we have had miraculous blessings and this past week we’ve started a family ritual to go around taking turns mentioning something about the day that was a tender mercy. These are some that have been mentioned:

1. Vick's generosity and help at the Laundromat last Saturday
2. The guy who did our home inspection decided for no apparent reason to charge us $100 LESS than he usually charges.
3. My friend, Jenn Peterson, helped drive my kids around all day Tues.
4. My friend, Suzanne, let me borrow her car yesterday afternoon so I could get some groceries and get my kids to their music lessons and orthodontist appointments.
5. Right when I was returning Suzanne’s car, my friend, Doyle, called to tell me that he and his wife were leaving on a two-week trip and said we could use their Mitsubishi while they were away.

None of these tender mercies were things we asked for but were freely offered. THIS is what faith is doing for us!!  THIS is what prayers are doing for us!  This is WHY I believe things are going to be alright. The Lord has said so clear, “Alicia, if I want bread, I can get bread. If I want fish, I can get fish.” I believe Him. As hard as all of this is and as hard as it may be, I know we are going to be okay

... and for the times when I'm not so strong and fear pulls me down beneath the tumultuous waves, I pray, 'Lord, help thou my unbelief!'

-Alicia

"Why is it that ye are so fearful?"

My husband sent me this really great message while he was at work this afternoon. It made me cry. (good tears of course, very good tears)

Hey,

I had a g+ notification this morning from a post by Pres. Uchtdorf.  I think I felt the power of what he was saying and I am choosing to believe this words and trust in them.  I just wanted to share it as we move forward.  I still don't know where the end of this road is, but I believe choosing faith in this situation will get us much further than choosing fear and doubt.  Here is what he said:

"The Lord knows you. He knows your heart and is pleased with your sacrifice. He smiles upon you each day. He will uphold you and prepare the way for you. He will send His angels before you. You will feel their presence. And with the help of heaven, your talents will be multiplied.

I promise you that as you lift those around you, the Lord God, the Creator of the universe, will lift you up. If you will only believe and incline your heart to our Beloved Father, He will place within you a peace that surpasses understanding. He will give you joy. May each of you always remember this."

"Nearer my God to Thee, nearer to Thee!  E'en though it be a cross that raiseth me."  

If we draw nearer to God in this, no cost will be too much.  We get to choose faith and it is a privilege that we can choose faith in a situation like this.  My hope and prayer in all of this is that this cross will raise us up to Him.  

Be patient with me as I work through my pride as it manifests itself in anger, frustration and doubts and fears.

I love you... but I love the Lord more ;)  But I know my love of the Lord will only increase my love for you.  I hope to be able to grow in that more.  I know it doesn't always show up that way.


Just some thoughts.
Joseph

I Need a Revival!

It's been one of those days where I feel like I've really had to struggle to fight off negative thoughts about myself.  I can't quite put my finger on where it started but it grew increasingly worse when I was studying in my textbook for Writing and Rhetoric about ethos (who we are to our audiences).  Don't get me wrong, It's a wonderful chapter, extremely insightful but maybe reading about how "my audiences" might perceive me gave me a little stage fright?  Reading how to "look smart, be smart" and "show balance" reminds me that I'm not very graceful and...well, I feel like this apple falls pretty far from the tree.  So many times when I talk to other adults, even young adults, I feel incredibly inferior in my vocabulary, my wit, my sense of humor, my knowledge of current events, you name it... so inferior that when it comes to conversation, I freeze-up.  On the other hand, there are times I get so nervous that I end up talking too much to avoid an awkward silence and end up boring "my audiences" or shoving my foot in my mouth somehow.  This "tight-rope walking" doesn't happen every day... just on the ones where I seem to keep straining at all my idiosyncrasies.

Other worries began to plague my mind too...  one thought after another about the job I'm doing teaching my children how to handle their own life skills (you know- good communication, good study habits, hard work ethic, being spiritually motivated, choosing good friends, and their own "ethos")

When my husband returned home from work, he greeted me thoughtfully and asked how things were going.  I sighed and laid my head on his chest, "I'm feeling really lame.  I need to re-center somehow."  Understandingly, he sweetly offered to let me be alone in the bedroom to pray.  After a moment, I requested that I make a quick Temple visit.  I promised I'd make it back in time to watch a concert we had planned to go to as a family.  (The Lower Lights  -blue grass gospel)  

I think the combination of both the Temple and the concert was just what the Dr. ordered because I feel great now.

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I'm a sucker for blue grass gospel.  I've loved it ever since I can remember! (Maybe it's the southern girl in my blood?)  A few old gospel hymns, a little bit of clapping and toe tapping, along with shouts of "hallelujah" and "amen" is guaranteed to lift my spirit anytime!  

My favorites tonight were: This Little Light of Mine, Down to the River to Pray, Calling You, I Need Thee Every Hour, Brightly Beams, and I'll Fly Away 

I'm so thankful for tonight.  I just needed a revival!

-Alicia

Bullet Proof - Ponderize - Week 47

Tonight, we had a family lesson on the story of Moses when he spoke with God face to face, when he experienced the glory of heaven and witnessed the vast expanse of the Lord's creations.
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland expounds, "What happened to Moses next, after his revelatory moment, would be ludicrous if it were not so dangerous and so absolutely true to form. In an effort to continue his opposition, in his unfailing effort to get his licks in later if not sooner, Lucifer appeared and shouted in equal portions of anger and petulance after God had revealed himself to the prophet, saying, 'Moses, worship me.' But Moses was not having it. He had just seen the real thing, and by comparison this sort of performance was pretty dismal.

Moses looked upon Satan and said: 'Who art thou? . . . where is thy glory, that I should worship thee?
For behold, I could not look upon God, except his glory should come upon me. . . . But I can look upon thee in the natural man. . . .
. . . Where is thy glory, for it is darkness unto me? And I can judge between thee and God. . . .
Get thee hence, Satan; deceive me not.' [Moses 1:13–16]" 

After discussing this story with our children, I thought of the power of Truth and reflected on the conversation I had with a friend this morning about the scriptures.  She pointed out the verse in Helaman 5:12 the verse that promises if we are built on the foundation of Christ "that when the devil shall send forth his ... shafts in the whirlwind... it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo."  (My friend admitted she didn't really know the word "shafts"  so she looked it up and discovered it meant weapons.) When she shared this, it made the verse even more significant, especially in connection with these other verses in the scriptures;

"No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper.... This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is of me, saith the Lord." Isaiah 54:17

"For the Lord will go before you; and the God of Israel will [have your back]." - Isaiah 52:12

All I could think of was that with God we have the greatest power of the universe on our side and that we can actually be "bullet proof" to sniper attacks from the Adversary.

I wasn't there with Moses on the mountain to witness his encounters with heaven and hell.  Oh what an experience that would have been!  Just imagine the "casting out" scene when Moses calls upon the power of God to command Satan to leave. If I had been there, I probably would've liked to play a little song for the occasion remembering always Who has my back and Who makes me strong:

You shout it out,

But I can't hear a word you say

I'm talking loud, not saying much

I'm criticized but all your bullets ricochet

Shoot me down, but I get up

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose

Fire away, fire away

Ricochet, you take your aim

Fire away, fire away

You shoot me down but I won't fall

I am titanium

You shoot me down but I won't fall

I am titanium

Cut me down

But it's you who'll have further to fall

Ghost town and haunted love

Raise your voice, sticks and stones may break my bones

I'm talking loud not saying much

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose

Fire away, fire away

Ricochet, you take your aim

Fire away, fire away

You shoot me down but I won't fall

I am titanium

- Alicia

If It Gets Me Convicted

I woke up the other day with this song playing over in my head.  It's one of those where the tune didn't grab me right away but I instantly loved the lyrics.

"Guilty"

by, Newsboys

When did it become breaking a rule

To say your name out loud in school

When your names the only one that sets us free

When did it become incorrect

To speak the truth about life and death

When your life gave us all eternity

Even if it gets me convicted

I'll be on my knees with my hands lifted

If serving you's against the law of man

If living out my faith in you is banned

Then I'll stand right before the jury

If saying I believe is out of line

If I'm judged cause I'm gonna give my life

To show the world the love that fills me

Then I want to be Guilty

I'll rise up and honor you

I'll testify to all the good you do

Cause your Grace and your Mercy have overtaken me

 I want to be Guilty by association

Guilty of being a voice proclaiming Your ways

Your truth

Your life

I'll pay the price to be your light

Then I want to be Guilty by association

Guilty of being a voice proclaiming Your ways

Your truth

Your life

I'll pay the price to be your light

Oh I want to be Guilty

When we choose to follow Christ, we do not follow the popular crowd.  Think of all the martyrs, all those prophets and apostles who have gone before!!  When have they ever been applauded, appreciated, respected, or admired by the mainstream of society?? 

In our scripture study with the children, we discussed how real these persecutions are today.  I told them of the time President Hunter was threatened with a bomb when speaking at a BYU Fireside and how the congregation courageously stood and sang, "We Thank Thee O' God for a Prophet."  Tears welled up in my eyes and I testified to my kids that there is no doubt they will have opportunities to display this kind of conviction and faith.  I expressed my confidence in them, I know they will stand strong no matter the cost and that they will be a light and a beacon in a very darkening world.  

 In our ward Book of Mormon study today, we read the story of Abinidi.  In these last days, I can't help but feel we need to do all we can to strengthen and fortify our faith.  I believe it's going to get rough for us.  We will need to seek courage like Abinidi, stand with the prophets, and "stand as a witness of God, at all times, in all things, and in all places, even until death." (Mosiah 18:9)

 This is the courage we must cultivate and it starts with speaking up and speaking out, especially to those within our stewardship.  It is not about maintaining popularity, forget popularity! (Isaiah 2:22)  It's about what is right and true!

When I think of how boldly Abinidi stood before the court, I think of this incredible story Parley P. Pratt told about Joseph Smith:

“We had lain as if in sleep till the hour of midnight had passed, and our ears and hearts had been pained, while we had listened for hours to the obscene jests, the horrid oaths, the dreadful blasphemies and filthy language of our guards.”

 Elder Pratt Continued:

“I had listened till I became so disgusted, shocked, horrified, and so filled with the spirit of indignant justice that I could scarcely refrain from rising upon my feet and rebuking the guards; but [I] had said nothing to Joseph, or any one else, although I lay next to him and knew he was awake. On a sudden he arose to his feet, and spoke in a voice of thunder, or as the roaring lion, uttering, as near as I can recollect, the following words:

“‘SILENCE. … In the name of Jesus Christ I rebuke you, and command you to be still; I will not live another minute and hear such language. Cease such talk, or you or I die THIS INSTANT!’”

Joseph “stood erect in terrible majesty,” as described by Elder Pratt. He was chained, without a weapon, and yet he was calm and dignified. He looked down upon the quailing guards, who were shrinking into a corner or crouching at his feet. These seemingly incorrigible men begged his pardon and remained quiet. [See Autobiography of Parley P. Pratt, ed. Parley P. Pratt Jr. (1938), 210–11.]

This is courage! This is majesty!  This is honor!
The truth is always worth standing for, even if it means we stand alone.
-Alicia

http://artofchristianity.blogspot.com/2008/02/please-pray-for-our-country.html
http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/elder-christofferson-religious-freedom-under-fire

Oh, Thank Heaven - Ponderize - Week 39

Yesterday, my husband and I rode his motorcycle to attend a family meeting with my father-in-law and all the adults.  When we arrived, it took a moment to adjust because my entire face and arms were numb from flapping in the wind at 80 mph for an entire hour. That's the furthest I've ever ridden with him.  

I love that my father-in-law does these meetings a couple times a year, that he recognizes his stewardship continues in many ways even though his children are grown.  At these meetings, he shares insights and lessons, gives counsel/ warnings, and bears testimony of the power of the Priesthood in our lives (both men and women).  Last night, he bore testimony of the ability we have to call on the powers of heaven, that God hears our prayers, and that no matter the difficulties we face in the future we can count on a sure knowledge that by faith, miracles happen!

After the meeting was over, we visited with one another for almost another two hours.  A couple of times, I looked around the room and was filled with gratitude for such an amazing family.  How I love these people!  I had a great conversation with my niece, Morgan.  She's back home after being away at college for a few years and it was so awesome to see how much she's matured.  She's just one of the adults now.

We left my father-in-law's home around 10:30.  I hopped on the bike with Joseph and before we entered the freeway I noticed the 7-11 sign, "Oh thank heaven!"
"Yeah" I thought.  I began to list the incredible blessings in my life:
The blessing of having an abundance of everything I need to stay alive.
The blessing of having four outstanding, creative, talented, beautiful, fun, and big-hearted children.
The blessing of holding on to my husband and knowing that we can get through anything together.
The blessing of knowing without any doubt that God is real, that He loves me, that He knows me, that He hears my every prayer, every longing, every desire of my heart, and that He's working things out in His timing for my good.
The blessing of knowing that no matter what happens in life, no matter the difficulties we might face now or in the future, we can call down heaven, and it will be alright.
My eyes began to fill with tears as my mind flooded with thoughts of every blessing, big and small, even the ones that have come through heartache and sorrow. I looked up at the stars and whispered a grateful "Thank You."

Riding late at night on the interstate at 80 mph with helmets as our only protective gear, caused my mind to drift to a few other thoughts.  "What if something went wrong right now? What if we hit a break in the road or had to suddenly dodge some debris? What if something happened that took both our lives right this very moment?  How exposed we are!  How vulnerable we are in this current situation!"  I held tightly to my husband's waist, the opposing force of the wind almost made my neck tired.  But I felt an awesome sensation.  I felt complete peace and totally calm! "What if it were my time, right now?" Without hesitation my whole soul answered, "I'd thank God for everything. What a ride it has been!"  I closed my eyes and the rushing speed of wind pulling on my body no longer felt like opposition but like a thousand angels surrounding me, enveloping me in a cloak of heavenly power and glory.

This morning, I read the verse where King Benjamin exhorts his people in Mosiah 2:19, "If I who ye call your king, who has spent his days in your service, and yet has been in the service of God, do merit any thanks from you, O how you ought to thank your heavenly King!" I thought of my experience on the motorcycle last night and the sensation of being embraced by a thousand angels.  I cross-referenced to several verses about gratitude and found a song that David wrote in Psalms 34:1-4.

You gotta love David, this is a guy who knows how to speak my language. :)

"I will bless the Lord at all times: 

His praise shall continually be in my mouth.

My soul shall make her boast in the Lord: 

The humble shall hear thereof, and be glad.

O magnify the Lord with me, 

and let us exalt his name together.

I sought the Lord, and he heard me, 

and delivered me from all my fears."

-Alicia

Obladi Oblada

So.... today didn't happen exactly as we expected.  Nothing usually does, right?
But life goes on and things work out... They always do. That's my motto.

 At least I was able to get Kaylee to her date with daddy.  Our car died right as I was driving away from his work.  (It's the lemon... I mean car... we bought a few months ago and have already forked out $2,000 of repairs for.)  We were lucky to break down where we did though because my husband was able to call his co-workers to help push the car over to a safe spot. Kaylee thought it was fun to ride in a car being pushed by a bunch of guys.. and even more fun to ride home in a tow truck. (So that was nice.)

This is all such crazy timing.  Why? Just last Saturday, our other vehicle blew a head gasket and the radiator cracked.

Drawing from past experiences, whenever things have fallen apart like this all at once...it's usually been for a reason... 
If only we could see that it's not falling apart, it's falling into place.  
Really, this is when we ask ourselves, "What is there to learn?" We examine and make changes where needed and then trust that something amazing is about to happen. And we do believe great things will come out of this.

Actually, we had been talking about needing a larger van for when the foster children come.  Only, we weren't expecting to go shopping for one just yet.  We need something that will seat at least eight people.  My husband and I did a search for options tonight.  (I think I got a little distracted.)

These are my favorites...

This has a few more seats than needful but it's definitely perfect for scenic drives.  

I think the big useless fin thingy on the front is a nice touch.

We could do a repo- limo like my cousin-in-law, Brynn, did.  Their's came complete with "Support Our Troops" decals plastered all down the side.  (The kids don't seem to mind.)

I admit this one isn't really space efficient but I have a feeling it would be time efficient. (wink wink)

If we got a large van, I think it would be cool to have it painted like this. I've always wanted a hippie van with daisies, why not make it The Mystery Machine... 

Or maybe we could supe up our van like this? 
Yeah baby!  Eat your heart out Bo and Luke Dukers!

Do you think this one fits eight people?  (I'm guessing it fits nine.) 

Anyway... I think we're onto some pretty dang good replacement options. :)

And I think we found what we're going to name our old car..

"Shnitty Shnitty Bang Bang"

"Oh, The Places We'll Go"

“You won't lag behind,
because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang
and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly,
you'll be best of the best.
Wherever you go,
you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't.
Because, sometimes, you won't.”
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You'll Go!

Through all of our foster training we've been able to get more of an idea of what we're up against and what will be required of us as individuals and as a family. This is not a small task and it will require all our diligence, all our patience, all our strength, all our energy, and all our love.   I admit that it's kind of frightening.  We don't feel cut out for it and it seems that's exactly what the Adversary wants us to keep feeling: doubt, discouragement, fear, insecurity.

On top of this... It seems that in these last few days all hell has combined to stir up contention among our children.  They have been at each other's throats and my husband and I have been beside ourselves in knowing how to calm them.  It's been discouraging because circumstances like these cause us both to question our ability to handle the additional stresses that will come with foster parenting.  Maybe our children are feeling nervous about the adjustments that will come with this brand new life too and they've just had trouble identifying and expressing such fears?  I don't blame them.  This is huge!!

“And when you're alone there's a very good chance

you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants

There are some, down the road between hither and yon,

that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.” 

― Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You'll Go!

The specific trials that lie ahead are unknown to us and it doesn't do any good speculating how we will handle them.  The truth is, we are sure in our decision and we're not backing down, no matter how much the adversary tries to thwart our resolve.  After our family prayer this morning, we discussed how clearly our mission to foster children unfolded before us and we both bore testimony without any doubt that it's what we need to do despite all the opposition.

In my personal scripture study, I just finished reading about the story of the Jaredites.  They embarked on an unknown journey to a place they'd never been before, launching into the vast and open sea, "commending themselves unto the Lord their God" (Ether 6:4) They faced opposing forces on every hand and it took an immense amount of faith... but look at where it led them... to the promised land!

I like how Moroni inserts his testimony in this record, "Faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith." (Ether 12:6)

Our faith will certainly be on trial... It will be tried and tested in ways we can't comprehend but it will bring about great things! We are confident of that even though "We don't feel ready, We don't feel steady, [and we] Question all we really have to give..."

The truth still remains the same...

"A little somethin' Might feel like nothin' But in His hands it's all we'll ever need
To speak life to the broken Watch the blind eyes open
It's who He's calling you and me To be
It's time to get our hands dirty
Be love... there's a whole lot of hurting
Calling all hearts Calling all hands Calling all feet to take a stand
Why sit around and wait for a miracle to come
when we can be one"
- Natalie Grant - Be One - 

It will all work out.  We're going to give it our very best.  The Lord is guiding our journey... and... Oh, the places we'll go!!

"[We]'re off to Great Places!

Today is [our] day!

Our mountain is waiting.

So...[we're] on [our] way!” 

― Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You'll Go!

-Alicia :)
The Future is as Bright as Your Faith - President Thomas S. Monson
To The Rescue
I Was a Stranger

"Great and Terrible"

Last week, I took a walk around the neighborhood with my dear friend, Lou.  He was born in 1929 and over his lifetime, he has witnessed a lot of change in our world for good and bad.  As we walked, he expressed to me his fears of the future.  It's rare for me to hear Lou express anything that isn't positively upbeat and optimistic.... besides, I was surprised someone of his age worrying like he was because he won't have to live through much more.  But even though his years ahead are few, his children will still be here, and his children's children.  He asked, "Oh Alicia, what kind of world will they live in?"

I told Lou that the night before I had a similar conversation with my sisters-in-law.  Eight of us had gotten together for a girls night and the topic of the presidential election came up:  We all wondered and marveled together how America got to the place that it's in.  We discussed the possible changes we would face; the economy, religious freedom, parental rights, the persecutions that might come, the struggles and the hardships.  But the tone of the conversation shifted from the "terrible" and turned to the "great".  Soon, we began testifying of the miracles we would witness and have already witnessed, we began talking about the amazing youth who make daily deliberate choices to be true to the faith in the face of so much opposition.  We shared examples in the scriptures and personal testimony.

I put my arm around my friend and said, "Lou, your children will experience great things!  Joel said that it will be a 'great and terrible day'.  Sometimes, I think we forget the part that it will be great."  First Nephi 22:17 says that "the righteous need not fear".  I then shared with Lou the story from 2Kings chapter 16 about Elisha and the young servant completely encompassed by the Syrian army.  Lou had forgotten that story in the scriptures and he listened intently.  (It's not that he's never read it but that his memory is not well and sometimes he forgets me too.) I told him about the servant who was with Elisha when the Syrian army sought their lives... the young man opened the tent door and saw that they were surrounded on every side by their enemies and it filled him with terror. I told him how Elisha prayed that the young servant's eyes would be open.   When he looked out again, the veil was lifted from him and he saw hosts of angels (much more numerous than their enemy) standing in readiness to defend and protect Elisha and the young man.

I stopped and turned to Lou, placing my hand reassuringly on his shoulder, "I know that the darker the night gets, the brighter the stars shine.  We are going to see amazing things.  We are constantly, everyday, surrounded by angels.  We don't see them but they go before us and they have our back.  I know this!"  He was quiet and I could see tears well up in my friend's eyes, "Oh, thank you... I needed that.  Thank you for sharing that with me."  I hugged my friend and wished him a good night as he walked inside his home still thanking me, "Really, that makes me feel so much better.  Oh, how I needed that. Thank you again."

This morning in my scripture studies I was reminded of my walk with Lou and his concern for our country when I read, "We can behold the decrees of God concerning this land, that it is a land of promise; and whatsoever nation shall possess it shall serve God, or they shall be swept off when the fulness of his wrath shall come upon them. And the fulness of his wrath cometh upon them when they are ripened in iniquity." (Ether 2:9)

I recalled Mormon chapter 9 just a few pages earlier.  I love that chapter... because out of all the books of scriptures, out of all the numerous chapters written by ancient prophets, Mormon 9 is the one that mentions the word, "miracle" more than any other.  (14 times to be exact)

I love to hear Moroni's testimony.  If anyone knew what it was like to watch a nation fall apart, it was him.  But Moroni kept the faith and held fast in his testimony...  even when he stood alone.  Really, we have everything to hope for and look forward to.

"Behold, I will show unto you a God of miracles" - Moroni

-Alicia :)
Terror, Triumph, and a Wedding Feast

A Preparatory Temple

I had the opportunity of attending both the 9:00 and the 3:00 dedication services of the Provo City Center Temple in March.  I took a notebook with me to write down my thoughts and impressions from all who spoke.

The talk that struck me the most during the 9:00 session was Elder Oaks.  He began his address referring to another Temple in our church history that had risen from the ashes, the Nauvoo Temple.  He spoke of it as being a preparatory temple for those pioneer saints to face the difficult journey ahead of them.  It had just been completed when the persecution against the Church grew so intense that they were forced to leave their beautiful Nauvoo.

In his talk Elder Oaks likened the Provo City Center to the Nauvoo Temple saying that it would also be a preparatory temple for the struggles we would face in these last days.  In order to press through the hardships and trials of our day, he encouraged us to re-dedicate our lives to the building of Zion.  He testified of the ability to access heavenly power by doing temple work for our ancestors and also learning their stories.

Along this principle of building up the kingdom of God and establishing Zion in such a contentious day and age, Elder Oaks quoted from Abraham Lincoln's first inaugural address, "Though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield and patriot grave to every living heart and hearthstone all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature." (I especially loved that Elder Oaks quoted this because it was something I had just written about 2-and-a-half weeks prior to the dedication.)

He emphasized that this "union" would be bound by the "mystic chords of memory" the stories of our loved ones, our ancestors, those in our family who have passed away.  He promised that as we learn and share their stories of faith, their personal testimonies, their struggles, and their triumphs, we will be "touched... by the better angels of our nature."  This very simple act of turning and connecting to the faith our forefathers and foremothers will not only soften our hearts and help us connect, instill unity, and increase our affection for one another in our family... but also in our community.

This past year, I have studied the life and stories of my 3rd great grandfather, William Wall (on my dad's side) and my great aunt Sylvia (on my mom's side).  Their stories of faith have astonished me.  I had no idea the kinds of things they had to persevere and press through.  They were every bit as brave and valiant as the prophets of old.  A great spirit of reverence and respect has instilled upon my heart for these ancestors of mine.  Even more wonderful, is that through reading their records I have felt their presence very clearly in my life...
I have felt the presence of angels... Something I think we are ALL going to need... for what lies ahead. (2 Kings 6:16)

-Alicia

Broken Things

At the time of Christ's crucifixion, the earth was broken in pieces.  "The rocks were rent in twain; they were broken up upon the face of the whole earth, insomuch that they were found in broken fragments, and in seams and in cracks, upon all the face of the land." (3 Nephi 8:18)
Was this a symbol of the Savior's broken body on the cross?
Was it a symbol of how we too must be broken?

The hearts of the people during that period had become so hardened from their wickedness that "Many great destructions [had the Lord] caused to come upon [the] land" (3 Nephi 9:12)
I believe it was an act of mercy.

In the darkness, the voice of Christ spoke to the people of Nephi calling for them to offer a "broken heart and a contrite spirit." (3 Nephi 9:20)

Why must our hearts be broken?
This morning, as I read these passages in 3 Nephi, I asked myself this question.  I remembered the words to a song I heard years ago by, Kenneth Cope:

Broken
(Words by Kenneth Cope; Music by Kenneth & Eliza Cope)
—inspired by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Broken clouds give rain
Broken soil grows grain
Broken bread feeds man for one more day
Broken storms yield light
The break of day heals night
Broken pride turns blindness into sight
Broken souls that need His mending
Broken hearts for offering
Could it be that God loves broken things
Broken chains set free
Broken swords bring peace
Broken walls make friends of you and me
To break the ranks of sin
To break the news of Him
To put on Christ till His name feels broken in
Broken souls that need His mending
Broken hearts for offering
I believe that God loves broken things
And yet, our broken faith, our broken promises
Sent love to the cross
And still, that broken flesh, that broken heart of His
Offers us such grace and mercy
Covers us with love undeserving
This broken soul that cries for mending
This broken heart for offering
I’m convinced that God loves broken me
Praise His name—my God loves broken things
So, broken cloud—Give rain
And broken soil—Grow grain
And broken bread—Feed man for one more day
© 2004 Merge Right Music (BMI)

It all makes sense... this need we have to be broken.  It's beautiful!

And so, I rejoice that I can find hope in the midst of hurt.  There is purpose in the breaking... it's all part of "the making."

-Alicia

Peace From Invulnerable Faith

“Two artists each painted a picture to illustrate his conception of rest. The first chose for his scene a still, lone lake among the far-off mountains. It was a serene and beautiful scene; yes, very calming, very restful to look at. But the second artist, on his canvas, wildly painted a thundering waterfall. You could almost hear the roaring of the water. But a closer look revealed a fragile birch tree bending over the mist of the roaring water. At the fork of the branch, wet with spray, there sat a robin on its nest.” -Henry Drummond

It is this second illustration that I find so intriguing and most easy to relate to:

This peace is something found in our Father in Heaven, in the sure knowledge of His power through Christ and the intimate involvement of Them in our lives manifested by the Spirit of God.  This peace grows like a seed through a myriad of our own experiences and trials of faith over a life-time.

The beauty is discovered when we realize that such peace is not the absence of struggle, tension, opposition, or pain... rather it is a perfect calm in the midst of all these things.  A perfect trust in our Father in Heaven that casts out any fear of what might or might not unfold tomorrow.  It comes from knowing one's own intentions and knowing their path is aligned with God's.  This peace is the fruit born out of those personal moments where we come to know for ourselves something of God's omnipotence, omniscience, and infinite love for us, where we come to know that He holds everything in His perfect hands.

It's strange how even in the midst of struggle or turmoil there is also a sense of joy, like a robin singing in its nest... not because everything is running smoothly or how we might expect it to, but because it is anchored in what really matters and trusts the Hand that governs such matters.

Through deep and regular prayer - day in and day out, through daily consistent and regular study of the scriptures, and through constant striving to apply God's word and seek His spirit, I have tasted of His love and awareness for me again, and again, and again.

This morning, I reviewed a few conference talks given a couple of weeks ago and feel as if this quote from Jeffery R. Holland is completely fitting for the subject of invulnerable faith:

"[God's] love is the foundation stone of eternity, and it should be the foundation stone of our daily life. Indeed it is only with that reassurance burning in our soul that we can have the confidence to keep trying to improve, keep seeking forgiveness for our sins, and keep extending that grace to our neighbor.

President George Q. Cannon once taught: “No matter how serious the trial, how deep the distress, how great the affliction, [God] will never desert us. He never has, and He never will. He cannot do it. It is not His character [to do so]. … He will [always] stand by us. We may pass through the fiery furnace; we may pass through deep waters; but we shall not be consumed nor overwhelmed. We shall emerge from all these trials and difficulties the better and purer for them.” - Jeffrey R. Holland - Tomorrow the Lord will Do Wonders

As Henry Drummond so beautifully wrote, I also testify that "Rest... is the mind at leisure from itself.  It is the perfect poise of the soul; the absolute adjustment of the inward man to the stress of all outward things; the preparedness against every emergency; the stability of assured convictions; the eternal calm of an invulnerable faith; the repose of a heart set deep in God.  It is the mood of the man who says, with Browning, 'God's in His Heaven, all's well with the world.'"

And so... "Whatever tomorrow brings, together we'll rise and sing that we won't be shaken."

-Alicia :)
He Showed Me How

Keep Hope Alive

Because it's Good Friday, I've been thinking a lot about Christ in Gethsemane and on the cross.  Ever since Elder Wirthlin gave this talk back in 2006, this particular Friday always reminds me of these promises:

"Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.

But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.

No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come.

...Because of our beloved Redeemer, we can lift up our voices, even in the midst of our darkest Fridays, and proclaim, “O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?” (1 Corinthians 15:55)

When President Hinckley spoke of the terrible loneliness that comes to those who lose the ones they love, he also promised that in the quiet of the night a still, unheard voice whispers peace to our soul: “All is well.”

I am grateful beyond measure for the sublime true doctrines of the gospel and for the gift of the Holy Ghost, which has whispered to my soul the comforting and peaceful words promised by our beloved prophet.

From the depths of my sorrow, I have rejoiced in the glory of the gospel."

Through our faith in Christ, we have hope.  We may have a limited view of what will come and great sorrow may pull us under during those times where we can see no end to suffering, but we keep believing and we keep hope alive.  Whatever the hunger, whatever the pain, or whatever the anguish - we can always trust that "God is in His heaven" and whether things feel right in our lives at such moments or not, we can trust that someday they will be made right.  I know this!  How grateful I am for my beloved Savior!

-Alicia

At the End of the Rainbow Cupcake

I started off the morning yesterday reading from Alma 47 about Lehonti and how "Amalickiah did stir up the Lamanites to anger against the people of Nephi." I visited scriptures.byu.edu to find some good conference talks to assist me in my study and listened to them as I got ready for the day.

The Canker of Contention

No Time for Contention

Christian Courage

 I was off to a great start and felt pretty good. I resolved to make my home a little haven from the world, a place free of contention.  

After my history class and a lovely walk back to my house, I began tackling the various chores that needed attention.  As the kids finished their assignments, friends began to visit and our living room became nice and full.  I began making dinner preparations.  Kids made huts, colored pictures, and watched Bad Lip Reading episodes about StarWars.  (Quite hilarious, if I do say so.... especially the Yoda song stuck in my head.) 

Miriam reminded me that we hadn't made our traditional rainbow cupcakes for St. Patrick's Day.  I showed her where the cake-mix was and she and her friend went to work.  Soon all the children wanted to contribute in the rainbow cupcake making. Everything was going smoothly until I realized how late things were getting and remembered an essay due for my class.  

I looked around at the mess of markers and paper scraps, blankets draped over chairs, play-dough in the corner, dinner preparations on the counter, and cupcake making spread across the table.  The children were on a roll, their creative juices were flowing.... and once they get started - their's no stopping.

I sighed because I knew I had painted myself into a corner and would never get to my history paper.  I could feel myself becoming irritated with my situation... But then I began to feel more irritated at myself for being irritated.  :P Which was really lame because I just spent the morning studying all about avoiding contention. 

Children have this sixth-sense and can detect tone or a shift in atmosphere with almost canine abilities.  They could tell the moment my mood had changed.  Disappointed in myself, I felt like a blew a perfectly good day.

It was 10 pm by the time I was able to get started on my paper for my class.  I was tired though and knew I wouldn't be able to focus so I decided to just go to bed and have a fresh mind in the morning.  There on my pillow was this cute little note from Micah.  "Dear Mom, I'm sorry you had such a rough night.  But St. P day is coming! Smile"  

Of course, I smiled.  I walked into his room, holding the card in my hand, "Bud, you're so awesome!" He threw his arms around me, hugging me tightly.  Kaylee heard us talking and climbed out of her bed to join in the hugfest.  I'm glad children are so forgiving.  I thanked them for their patience with me.  

I'm grateful today is a brand new day.... and it's St. P day.  :)

-Alicia