I'm really not any different.

In my scripture study this morning, I noticed Mosiah 2:11 as King Benjamin prepares to address his people. He says,
 "I am like as yourselves, subject to all manner of infirmities in body and mind; yet I have been chosen … and consecrated by my father, … and have been kept and preserved by his matchless power, to serve you with all the might, mind and strength which the Lord hath granted unto me"

I'm so glad that King Benjamin was real in this declaration, that he didn't pretend to be any better, or less human than those he served. Yet, still he was chosen and consecrated to administer in his particular calling.

We all have weaknesses, every one of us... but that's why we have the Savior and His Gospel covenants. Remembering and allowing Christ's grace, His mercy, and atonement to work within our lives and extending that same mercy to others must be central!!

Yes, we really are "less than the dust of the earth" but it is through "the atoning blood of Christ that we may receive forgiveness of our sins, and our hearts may be purified" - Mosiah 4:2

President Uchtorf said the following in a conference address from October 2013
"I suppose the Church would be perfect only if it were run by perfect beings. God is perfect, and His doctrine is pure. But He works through us—His imperfect children—and imperfect people make mistakes.

In the title page of the Book of Mormon we read, “And now, if there are faults they are the mistakes of men; wherefore, condemn not the things of God, that ye may be found spotless at the judgment-seat of Christ.”

This is the way it has always been and will be until the perfect day when Christ Himself reigns personally upon the earth."

Grateful

I don't have much to write today.  I'm just grateful for the Gospel in my life: for the scriptures, for prayer, for living prophets, for my Savior, for the Atonement. I'm grateful for the peace that comes from hanging on to principles of truth. And there is a wellspring of truth overflowing in this Gospel.
-Alicia

Grateful

by, Paul Cardall

Grace for Grace

"Dear Lord,

So far today, am I doing alright.

I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self-indulgent. I have not whined or complained.

But I will be getting out of bed in a minute, and I think that I will really need your help then."

- unknown

Many of life's solutions seem so much easier in words than the actual application.  I can start my day off with prayer and scriptures.  I can study the life of Christ and His teachings.  I can make resolutions for the day. And then some drama will unfold with the children, some conflict arises, or something won't work how it's expected too... and the real test of my character begins.    

You know those uncomfortable moments at the end of the day, where you review how you handled each situation and realize that you could have done better?  I consider those reflective moments to be a blessing, an opportunity to learn and try again.

I read in the New Testament this morning, "My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked of Him: For whom the Lord loveth, He chasteneth..." (Hebrews 12: 5,6)

The Lord knows we are going to stumble and fall, that we won't be the ideal father, the ideal mother, or the ideal anything.  He knows we won't be perfect.  And when we offend, when we mess up... we must be quick to apologize and set it right. It's the repentant soul who displays real faith and real courage.

Popular BYU Professor and LDS speaker--Brad Wilcox--said,

There should never be just two options: perfection or giving up. When learning the piano, are the only options performing at Carnegie Hall or quitting? No. Growth and development take time. Learning takes time. When we understand grace, we understand that God is long-suffering, that change is a process, and that repentance is a pattern in our lives. When we understand grace, we understand that the blessings of Christ’s Atonement are continuous and His strength is perfect in our weakness (see 2 Corinthians 12:9). When we understand grace, we can, as it says in the Doctrine and Covenants, “continue in patience until [we] are perfected” (D&C 67:13).

I'm also learning that the specific things we pray for can make a huge difference in how we handle each situation:

• I am discovering that it's better for me to seek for understanding rather than pray for patience.  When I understand the situation more or the intent of another, patience follows more naturally.

• I am discovering that it's better for me to offer prayers of gratitude rather than pray to have love for others.  When I'm filled with gratitude, love follows more naturally.

I'm grateful to know the Lord is all about second chances and new beginnings.  He delights to untangle the messes we find ourselves in and fill our souls with peace.  "Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby." - Hebrews 12:11

I pray your day is blessed with the unfailing grace and love extended to us through our Savior, that you feel peace... even in the middle of a storm, especially in the middle of a storm. Sail on.

-Alicia

The Quest for Grace

The Quest for Saving Grace in a World Obsessed with Saving Face

by, Alicia Rawlins

Suicide and Possible Causes

The topic of suicide strikes a chord all too familiar with me. In the past 25 years, I have had a number of very close family members (namely; my dad, my brother, my sister, and my husband) crash so low that they've lost any desire to live and have been in complete despair; they have either attempted or seriously contemplated taking their own life. It's a problem that can't be overlooked or swept under the rug. We need to confront it and face it head on. Utah ties third in the nation for the state with the most reported serious mental illnesses (SAMHSA). It also ranks among the top 20 states with the highest suicide rates (Suicide:20), and as of this summer, we rose even higher in the charts when our suicide rate spiked among the youth (Hatch). This leaves us desperately begging to know what could be the cause of so much hopelessness and loss of self-worth.

No one really knows why Utah ranks as one of the highest in suicide. There are many theories trying to explain the reasons for so much depression: some speculate that altitude, understaffed medical counselors, not enough treatment centers, and greater access to guns are the problems (Hatch and Kim). Some articles, (Knoll) argue that the spike in suicides among young Utahans has everything to do with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saint’s policy change regarding gays and lesbians who choose to marry or have sexual relationships with the same gender (First Presidency). Though all of these things are surely contributing factors, there’s more research to be done before we can identify all the possible causes. Though it seems there could be a correlation between the suicides and the Church’s new policy; it doesn't take into account those who have never experienced same-gender attraction, who also feel suicidal. Neither, does it take into account all of the efforts the Church has made to reach out and express love to its gay members (Mormon and Gay). Is there a more underlying issue to Utah’s suicide problem--one that strikes closer to the root--which, if fully recognized, would help people of all faiths be more aware and enabled to assist in prevention? I argue that this suicide epidemic is not so much a matter of religious law or policy, but a matter of how we, as individuals, choose to value and internalize our worth, how we are dependent on how others regard us, how we connect--socially and as families. We tend to unfairly compare ourselves to people around us and fear how we fit into the big picture; we misunderstand God’s love, His accessibility, and His grace.

I love living in Utah and find it to be a wonderful place to settle down, to raise my family.  There are so many friendly, happy people, and they seem to enjoy it here too.  Even according to NBC News, Utah is one of the happiest states in America (Dubois). So, why the high number of suicides? An interesting report published in 2011 by the University of Warwick, observed recent research that some of happiest places in the world have the highest suicide rates. University of Warwick researcher Professor Andrew Oswald said, "Human beings rely on relative comparisons between each other... Discontented people in a happy place may feel particularly harshly treated by life. Those dark contrasts may in turn increase the risk of suicide” (Happiest Places). Time Magazine also published an article that showed more research supporting this claim entitled, “Why the Happiest States Have the Highest Suicide Rates,” revealing that our tendency to make comparisons with our neighbors may play a role (Szalavitz).

Being Aware of Triggers

One of the major downfalls of human nature is our tendency to associate our worth with how well we measure up to everyone around us.  Today's digitally social world only compounds the problem when we advertise and compare all our "good" on the street corners of Facebook and Instagram, secretly hoping no one ever sees "the bad" and "the ugly" tucked away in the creaky old cart behind us. A recent social and clinical psychology report stated that “If people portray themselves as happier than they actually are, then perceptions of the happiness and well-being of one’s Facebook friends are likely to be distorted.”  The study goes on to point out that the spontaneous social nature of Facebook and other social media increases the level of daily comparisons which “increase[s] [the] daily depressive symptoms” (Steers). We wear out our days doing everything we can to have the picture-perfect life, comparing and competing, to save face, to one-up our peers, to avoid being looked on as weak or broken. In doing this, we place unrealistic expectations on ourselves, on our children, and on others. We become obsessed with hiding our flaws and putting on a mask. We drag these same fearful behaviors into almost every large social sphere, our circle of friends, our schools, and sadly, even our churches.

Cause and effect fully considered: If people spend their days comparing the lows of their life to the highs of everyone else’s, they will always come up short. They will never feel beautiful enough, popular enough, rich enough, smart enough, or righteous enough.  

This pattern of comparative thinking is not based on a healthy fear of God; rather, it is based on the fear of not being socially accepted and can lead to a lifestyle of perfectionism, which in turn can lead to serious depression. In fact, under the word “perfectionism” in Mosby’s Medical Dictionary it states that “failure to attain the [perfectionistic] goals may lead to feelings of defeat and other adverse psychological consequences” (Mosby’s).

A goal to be perfect is a good thing in religious context; after all, it is a Biblical command given by Christ to “be perfect”. But some interpret this to mean, if they don’t obey and perform every commandment with complete precision and exactness, they become unworthy of God’s love and help. The Atonement of the Savior and His unfailing grace become skewed, lost in a long list of rules, commandments, and laws. What does Christ mean then when He instructs us to be perfect even as He is?   The Hebrew word translated as “perfect” is tamim and means, among other things, “whole, sound, healthful” and “having integrity”(Francis).  The Septuagint—the Greek translation of the Old Testament—uses the word teleios (the same word used in Matthew 5:48) to mean perfect in the sense of “complete” and “entire” (Lust).  I love that definition of perfect: “to complete or make whole”. It is only logical that something must first be incomplete in order for it to then be made complete. We are all broken but with God as our Great Physician, He makes us “whole, sound, and healthful”/ perfect.

We have the responsibility to recognize if we are prone to approaching our standards with an unhealthy perfectionist mentality and or projecting that same mentality on others, especially in our religions. Terryl L. Givens, a practicing Mormon and a professor of literature and religion at the University of Richmond,  addresses controversial issues in his own faith fairly and without bias in his book, People of Paradox. He tells of the special challenges that are posed to those prone toward perfectionism--how it can trigger a negative outcome in a religion that is highly monitored through returning and reporting and a belief that they can one day be like God (Givens pp. 308-309). If people can admit they are perfectionist prone, they’re more likely to catch themselves before the mixture of their religion becomes problematic. It’s an emotional coping technique Dan Siegel--doctor of child and adult psychiatry--calls “name it to tame it”.  This is something to be aware of in all faiths. The key component is to make sure we don’t forget to emphasize our infinite worth God and the role grace plays in all our reporting and self evaluations.

Perfectionism, Shame, and Disconnect

To further explain the concern we should have with perfectionism, I’ll now illustrate how it leads to shame, which can lead to disconnection, and other adverse effects. Brené Brown-- a well-known public speaker and best-selling author who holds a Doctorate of Philosophy from the University of Houston--has done extensive research in human behavior and describes it this way:

Perfectionism is not the key to success. In fact, research shows that perfectionism hampers achievement. Perfectionism is correlated with depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis or missed opportunities. The fear of failing, making mistakes, not meeting people’s expectations, and being criticized keeps us outside of the arena where healthy competition and striving unfolds...Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is a defensive move. It’s the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame (Brown pp. 128-129).

Perfectionism is not about striving for excellence; it’s not about “healthy achievement and growth”. Perfectionism is all about saving face to avoid shame. She explains that shame is “the fear of disconnection”. We especially feel shame in the areas of life where our choices affect our deepest, most valued, connections. Brown says, “We are psychologically, emotionally, cognitively, and spiritually hardwired for connection, love, and belonging.” She explains that “shame is the fear of disconnection--it’s the fear that something we’ve done or failed to do, an ideal that we’ve not lived up to, or a goal that we’ve not accomplished makes us unworthy of connection.”

It is interesting to note that in Dr. Brown’s research, she discovered twelve categories where shame surfaces the strongest in people. Of those twelve shame categories, eight are heavily mentioned in sermons and lessons of the Mormon faith and other Christian churches: motherhood/fatherhood, family, parenting, religion, addiction, appearance/body-image, mental and physical health, and sex (Brown pp.68-69). When we falsely believe we must be flawless in these areas in order to be worthy of God’s love or another’s love, then we set ourselves up for shame,  then fear, then isolation, then disconnection, and possibly thoughts of suicide.

Feelings of disconnection and isolation are extremely important to note because they instill such painful emotions. An association of mental health professionals from more than 30 countries recently published an article showing that in places where there is a higher level of good strong community connection, there is also a higher risk of suicide--especially for those who feel disconnected and especially among the youth (King).  In our churches and communities, we must be thoughtful of our neighbors, family, or friends who have begun to isolate themselves; seek loving ways to reach out to them and promote connectedness. We can certainly do this without compromising our own beliefs. It may be as simple as striking up a friendly conversation, offering a meal, or inviting them to a barbeque. Maybe all they need is a reminder that they are worthy of connection, worthy of interaction, worthy of community, regardless of their standing in any particular faith or religion.

Perfectionist Parenting

Speaking of feeling worthy, I want to take a moment to reflect on how parental rejection can cause a child to form a twisted view of God’s paternal opinion of them. As I mentioned in the beginning of my article, my dad, my brother, and my sister have all either attempted or seriously contemplated suicide. I came to this realization after years of being away from home and having a family of my own. I could now see how my dad’s shame for his imperfections caused him to be disgusted with the failures or flaws in his own children, and his projected insecurities caused my siblings to assume that God must be equally disappointed and angry with them for their choices. I remember one evening about 11 years ago, when my father was admitted to a mental hospital to be put on suicide watch, my sister, who is a self-proclaimed atheist, suggested we say a prayer for my dad. I agreed that it was a wonderful idea. Within seconds of her suggestion though, she quickly declined to say the prayer and nudged me, “You better be the one to pray. God wants nothing to do with me. He’s much more likely to listen to you.” My heart broke for her, and I realized then that, in her mind, God was no different than her earthly father.

A perfectionist is extremely hard on himself/herself and especially hard on others. Parents who are perfectionists can do generations of harm. An article published in Psychology Today affirms that “parents who are obsessively concerned with mistakes raise children who are, too. And there's an interpersonal affect, transmitted by an authority figure in a child's life who is overly critical and demanding” (Marano). There is nothing wrong with  parents’ desire to push their children to excel, to get straight A’s, to strive for a more virtuous and successful life. These desires only become harmful when the parent’s motivating factor is perfectionism (to avoid blame, judgment, and shame). The message of worth fluctuates in the child’s mind, and all they hear from the parent is, “You are only worthy of my love when you can make me look good.”

Michael Phelps, the most decorated Olympian of all time, had a strained relationship with his perfectionist father. This relationship explained much of Michael's drive to become flawless in his sport. After reaching an all-time high in his successful career as an athlete, Phelps began to celebrate his achievements with riotous parties and heavy drinking. He was arrested more than once for driving under the influence, and when a photo surfaced of the intoxicated Olympian and when news spread of his arrests, Michael plunged into an all-time low, crashed rock bottom and contemplated suicide. In desperation Phelps reached out to his friend, retired NFL star, Ray Lewis, who gave him a Christian book entitled, The Purpose Driven Life. Michael said the book gave him hope and he began to believe in God, to understand his life had meaning, and that he was valued even though he had made some serious mistakes. In this healing process, he was even strengthened to forgive his father (Dance).

The Quest to Reconnect

Instead of fearing that our flaws will cause us to be disconnected, Brené Brown suggests that they can actually be the very thing that connects us, evoking empathy and compassion (Brown). Think of the hopelessness that could be avoided if our worth was not associated with our perfectness. How could we help prevent suicide if we spent a little more time focusing on the Atonement and God’s unconditional love, reminding each other in small and simple ways that we all belong? In the New Testament, the apostle Paul recognized that his flaws helped him have a greater connection to the Savior. He said,

Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh...Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me (2 Corinthians 12:9-9 NIV).

Made perfect in weakness? That hardly sounds like perfectionism. Perhaps God never intended for us to be without our failures and our flaws? Again, I emphasize that perfectionism is not the same as striving to be perfect through Christ. President of Brigham Young University, Kevin J. Worthen, gave an address where he said that in our striving, failure is “a critical component”. Perhaps, through understanding what “be perfect” really means, suicide and depression wouldn’t be so much of a problem, especially in such a religious region?

There are so many reasons why people consider or attempt suicide; I’m not saying that unhealthy comparing/competition and false association of individual worth are the only reasons, but hopefully, through this paper, they can be considered more. Maybe our loved ones who suffer with depression, who feel they don’t belong, who feel they will never measure up, could be infused with hope once again if we sought for ways to connect with them. Maybe we could seek to show them that their worthiness to be loved is not revoked because they aren’t perfect or because they sometimes fail. Maybe if we all worried a little less about what others think of us, worried a little less about saving face, we might be able to preserve a few lives by directing our attention to saving Grace.

Works Cited

Brown, Brené. "The Power of Vulnerability." TEDxHouston, Jun. 2010, www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability. Accessed 15 Nov. 2016.  

Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly. Gotham Books, 2012, pp. 68-69, 128-129.

Brown, Francis, S. R. Driver, and Charles A. Briggs, A Hebrew and English Lexicon of the Old Testament, Oxford: Clarendon Press, 1952.

Dance, Mark. "3 Antidotes to Pastoral Perfectionism." LifeWay Pastors, 17 Aug. 2016. www.lifeway.com/pastors/2016/08/17/3-antidotes-to-pastoral-perfectionism. Accessed 01 Nov. 2016.

Dubois, Lou. "New Study Reveals America's Most and Least Happy States." NBC News, 29 Sept. 2014, www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/new-study-reveals-americas-most-least-happy-states-n213836. Accessed 15 Nov. 2016.

"First Presidency Clarifies Church Handbook Changes." The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, 13 Nov. 2015, www.lds.org/pages/church-handbook-changes?lang=eng. Accessed 02 Nov. 2016.

Givens, Terryl. People of Paradox. New York: Oxford University Press, 2007, pp. 308-309.

"Happiest Places Have Highest Suicide Rates Says New Research.” Warwick University, 21 Apr. 2011, www.sciencenewsline.com/news/2011042210360000.html. Accessed 03 Nov. 2016.

Hatch, Heidi. "Utah Youth Suicide Now Leading Cause of Death for Utah Kids Ages 11-17." KUTV News, 05 Jul. 2016, http://kutv.com/news/local/utah-youth-suicide-now-leading-cause-of-death-for-utah-kids-ages-11-17. Accessed 02 Nov. 2016.

King, Will. "Close Community Connections May Be Risk Factor for Suicide." Good Therapy Blog. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 20 Sept. 2016, www.goodtherapy.org/blog/close-community-connections-may-be-risk-factor-for-suicide-0921161. Accessed 15 Nov. 2016.      

Knoll, Benjamin. “Is the Recent Rise in Utah Youth Suicides Reallly Such a Mystery?.” The Huffington Post, 05 Jul. 2016, www.huffingtonpost.com/benjamin-knoll/is-the-recent-rise-in-uta_b_10798286.html. 12 Nov. 2016.

Lust, J., E. Eynikel, and K. Hauspie, A Greek-English Lexicon of the Septuagint, 2 vols. Stuttgart: Deutsche Bibelgesellschaft, 1996.

Marano, Hara Estroff. "Pitfalls of Perfectionism." Psychology Today, 01 Mar. 2008 www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200803/pitfalls-perfectionism. Accessed 15 Nov. 2016.

"Mormon and Gay - An Official Church Website." The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, https://mormonandgay.lds.org. Accessed 02 Nov. 2016.

Mosby's Medical Dictionary. Elsevier, 2009.

SAMHSA, Center for Behavioral Health Statistics and Quality. "State Estimates of Adult Mental Illness from the 2011 and 2012 National Surveys on Drug Use and Health." The NSDUH Report, 28 Feb. 2014, www.samhsa.gov/data/sites/default/files/sr170-mental-illness-state-estimates-2014/sr170-mental-illness-state-estimates-2014/sr170-mental-illness-state-estimates-2014.html. Accessed 2 Nov. 2016.

Steers, Mai-ly N., Robert E. Wickham, and Linda K. Acitelli. "Seeing Everyone Else's Highlight Reels:How Facebook Usage Is Linked to Depressive Symptoms." Guilford Press Periodicals. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 15 Oct. 2014, http://guilfordjournals.com/doi/abs/10.1521/jscp.2014.33.8.701. Accessed 12 Nov. 2016.

"Suicide: 20 states with highest rates." CBSNews, www.cbsnews.com/pictures/suicide-20-states-with-highest-rates. Accessed 03 Nov. 2016.

Szalavitz, Maia. “Why the Happiest States Have the Highest Suicide Rates.” Time.com. Time Magazine, 25 Apr. 2011. http://healthland.time.com/2011/04/25/why-the-happiest-states-have-the-highest-suicide-rates/. Accessed 16 Nov. 2016.          

Walton, Alice G. "New Study Links Facebook to Depression: But Now We Actually Understand Why." Forbes. www.forbes.com/sites/alicegwalton/2015/04/08/new-study-links-facebook-to-depression-but-now-we-actually-understand-why. Accessed 12 Nov. 2016.

Worthen, Kevin J. “Successfully Failing: Pursuing Our Quest for Perfection. BYU Speeches, 06 Jan. 2015, https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/kevin-j-worthen_successfully-failing-pursuing-quest-perfection/. Accessed 04 Nov. 2016.

Applied and Personalized - Ponderize - Week 58

I didn't sleep more than four hours last night.  I experienced for the first time the uncontrollable screaming I was told about that the younger foster child sometimes displays. Kaylee got up and moved herself to the couch downstairs and Miriam moved into my bed while I stayed up trying to figure out what to do with our little foster girl. Joseph came in after a while to help me too. Neither of us got much sleep.

I have an eight page draft due for my writing class tomorrow. I only have three pages written so far but I've enjoyed the research and have actually discovered some of my findings in my topic to be healing and encouraging during this transition of being a foster family.

It's a brand new day and we get up and try again. We're going to make all this work, I know we will.

"Wherefore, the people of [Alicia and Joseph] did fortify [their day] with their [faith and prayers, with the word of the Lord], and with all their might, trusting in the God and rock of their salvation; wherefore, they became as yet, conquerors of their [trials]." - Jacob 7:25

- Alicia

2 Nephi 25:26 - Ponderize - Week 56

The verse I've chosen to ponderize this week is from where I'm reading with my personal study in the Book of Mormon.  I love this scripture! It's a favorite to many and there's good reason...  It's awesome! 

"We talk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, 
we preach of Christ, we prophesy of Christ, 

and we write according to our prophecies, 
that our children may know to what source 

they may look for a remission of their sins." 

- 2 Nephi 25:26

And like any awesome scripture, it makes it extra cool to have a song that goes with it--a song that makes you want to clap your hands and testify! Amen!! 

"If you’ve got pain

He’s a pain taker

If you feel lost

He’s a way maker"

-Zach Williams

-Alicia - (Make the Day Beautiful) ;)

Hope Works!

The Mormon Channel has rolled out a new video series all about hope and redemption.  The stage format is very similar to Ted-Talks.  The one my husband and I watched today was called "The Perfect Lie" and it touches on the destructive aftermath of perfectionism. This woman tells her story of how she was caught up in the check-list of everything she was "supposed" to be and how it broke her, shattered her.  She tells how she came to know the Savior and what Grace really was through all her brokenness.

As we watched her share her testimony, I couldn't help but think of this new Christian song I love.  Take a listen! This is what the Gospel of Jesus Christ really is all about

"Mended"

by, Matthew West

When you see broken beyond repair

I see healing beyond belief

When you see too far gone

I see one step away from home

How many times can one heart break?

It was never supposed to be this way

Look in the mirror, but you find someone you never thought you'd be

Oh, but I can still recognize

The one I love in your tear stained eyes

I know you might not see him now, so lift your eyes to me

When you see broken beyond repair

I see healing beyond belief

When you see too far gone

I see one step away from home

When you see nothing but damaged goods

I see something good in the making

I'm not finished yet

When you see wounded, I see mended

You see your worst mistake

But I see the price I paid

And there's nothing you could ever do, to lose what grace has won

So hold on, it's not the end

No, this is where love's work begins

I'm making all things new

And I will make a miracle of you

When you see broken beyond repair

I see healing beyond belief

When you see too far gone

I see one step away from home

When you see nothing but damaged goods

I see something good in the making

I'm not finished yet

When you see wounded, I see mended

I see my child, my beloved

The new creation you're becoming

You see the scars from when you fell

But I see the stories they will tell

You see worthless, I see priceless

You see pain, but I see a purpose

You see unworthy, undeserving

But I see you through eyes of mercy

When you see broken beyond repair

I see healing beyond belief

You're not too far gone

You're one step away from home

When you see nothing but damaged goods

I see something good in the making

I'm not finished yet, no

When you see wounded, I see mended

Ooh, I see mended

Woah, oh I see mended

I'm not finished yet

When you see wounded, I see mended

-Alicia - (There's always hope.)

Atonement of Peace - Ponderize - Week 54

Nephi was a prophet of God--a good and righteous man--but even he grieved because of how easily he felt anger towards his brothers.  He recognized that if he didn't do something to be rid of the contention within, it would eat him alive. "Why should I give way to temptations that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?" - 2 Nephi 4:27

When I read the things that Nephi's brothers did to him, the human-nature side of me feels that he is justified in his anger towards them.  Yet, Nephi recognizes that peace cannot abide with resentment.

I cross referenced my scripture study this morning to Ephesians 4:31.  This is the verse I'll be pondering for the week.
"Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice."

When we hold onto slights, refuse to forgive, and wallow in bitterness--it not only strangles our spirit but it slowly cripples and kills our physical body too.

Russel M. Nelson gave a fantastic talk back in 1989 entitled The Canker of Contention.  He said, "As we dread any disease that undermines the health of the body, so should we deplore contention, which is a corroding canker of the spirit.' ...President Ezra Taft Benson described contention as 'another face of pride.'"

Of course, we can only choose to get rid of the contention in our own heart.  Unfortunately, we cannot force or make others get rid of their bitterness and anger--making it very difficult for us to maintain kind or generous feelings towards them. So, what do we do?  We turn to our Mediator, our great Intercessor.  He understands completely and is the great healer of all wounds. He can help us to nurture feelings of compassion, understanding, and love that don't come naturally in such circumstances.

Nephi gains strength to forgive through the power of the atonement, he finds peace by turning his heart to the Savior, "Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation." - 2 Nephi 4:30

I too find strength in the atonement.  I'm so thankful for my Savior and the constant peace that I find in Him.

-Alicia

Sanctify My Heart

I wrote this about a month ago and even shared it in church but I haven't posted it because I have felt so hypocritical.

Just days after speaking these words in testimony meeting, everything seemed to come to a head with our Landlady.  Communication with her has been strenuous for all of us.  She was difficult before her husband died but it seemed to increase 10-fold after his passing to the point my husband and I could hardly see her without feeling our entire bodies tense up.

Then when we received the notice we were being forced to move, I posted on our Relief Society page the situation we were facing with vented frustration.  Former tenants chimed in and gave their piece on her which helped me feel justified.

Not too many days after, my husband and I went to the temple together to pray for guidance where we should move.  But I couldn't seem to get much revelation in that area...instead, as we sat and prayed in the Celestial room, the warning from the Prophet James pressed upon my mind, "Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.”  I felt the Spirit rebuke me.  "Alicia, you just bore testimony of choosing your words to build and to lift others, to testify of Christ and then you allowed this thread you initiated on the Relief Society page to go on in smearing your Landlady.  These things should not be!!"  I felt horrible.  I plead and prayed for forgiveness.  When I returned home, I removed the post from the page and posted an apology.

I'm grateful for the opportunity to repent.  I'll keep trying.  I don't want to be someone who just talks the talk.  Slowly, ever so slowly, I pray that God will help me walk the walk.

-Alicia

..............
Testimony - July 3rd, 2016

I’ve been thinking about the air we breathe and how we are able to speak through our vocal cords by the air we draw into our lungs and breathe out.

In the book of Genesis, it gives an account of the creation of man and it says that God breathed into him “the breath of life”

Isn’t it amazing that we are constantly breathing all of the time without even thinking about it?!!   – It’s this breathing in oxygen that gives the blood cells in our veins life, which in turn, give life to our entire body.  So, not only could we not speak without the air we breathe but we could not even move or live.

 As a ward, this past week, we read the words of King Benjamin where he testifies that God is , “preserving [us] from day to day, by lending [us] breath, that [we] may live and move”

This has caused me to truly ponder on the power of our words, the things we choose to speak and to say.  It is a sacred thing God has given us.  After all, it is by the power of words that worlds without number and galaxies were created!

In our ward scripture reading we also read where Abinidi courageously stood in the king’s court and bore witness of the ten commandments, one of them being, “Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.”

Alma who was awakened and inspired by Abinidi’s bold testimony and martyrdom then risks his own life to speak up and share the truth, to inspire others to covenant that they will “stand as a witness of God at all times, in all things, and in all places, even unto death.”

What do we do with this breath we are given?   

The Prophet James counsels, “With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.”
Jesus taught that what comes out of our mouths is what defiles us.

Even the prophet Isaiah recognized that he needed to clean up his language when he had a vision of the temple, when he stood within the overwhelming power and presence of God, he repents and cries, “Woe is me! for I am undone; because I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips”

This life isn’t about being perfect.  It’s about practice and learning.  And if the great prophet Isaiah recognized that the words he spoke needed some cleaning up, I’m sure we could all benefit from some purging and refining.

I’m grateful for a loving Father in Heaven who grants me daily breath and gives life to my blood, which gives me the ability to live and breathe and move and speak.

What do I do with the air I breathe?  What are the things I choose to say and how carefully do I choose my actions?

Today, I choose to use the air I breathe to thank my Father in Heaven, to speak and act in defense of the family, of marriage, and religious liberty whatever the cost!  I choose to use it to build the souls around me and never tear them down, demean or belittle another.  I choose to use the air I breath to bear testimony of the Savior and His Atonement and this His true Gospel.  I know He lives and He loves us far greater than we could ever comprehend.  His words have saved me.  Time and time again throughout my life, I have used my words to cry out in prayer and I have sought His words through the scriptures and whisperings of the Spirit.  I have come to know an inner peace and a deep love that is available to me wherever I go, that cannot be removed or taken from me.  What a magnificent gift that by our words and by His, we have the power to call down heaven.  I know this without any doubt.

-Alicia

Of Mountains and Molehills - Throwback Thursday

It happened about four summers ago.  I was worn and tired from the whining and complaining I had been hearing all day long from my children.  I made an attempt to turn things around and tried to prepare a nice family dinner that would hopefully put them in a better mood. I did some searching online and made a special trip to the store, going through great lengths to make it the most kid-delicious, kid-friendly, kid-approved meal they had ever had.  Surely this would put a smile on their faces.

Proud of myself, I spread the table and called everyone in.
Three of my children rejoiced at the sight of my culinary creation but Micah stared angrily at his plate and mumbled, "I hate this food!"
"You haven't even tried it!" I sternly responded.
"I don't care.  I hate it!"
"Serious?!" I questioned, after all my efforts. My patience was completely gone and I shouted, "Well, you have to eat at least one bite!"
Stubbornly, Micah refused.
"One bite, Micah, ONE!!" I demanded until he finally complied.
Dramatically, he gagged a fork-full into his mouth, his face still frozen in an angry glare, obviously already decided that it was disgusting and no amount of force would sway him otherwise.  I waited for him to swallow but instead he spit it back on to his plate, spraying smaller pieces across the table.

That was the last straw and I wasn't about to let him win this battle.  The whole family looked on watching to see what I would do.  I raised my fist, pounded it on the table as hard as I could, and yelled, "This is SO STUPID!  It's absolutely ridiculous, Micah!  I can't believe you are making THIS BIG of a deal out of ONE STUUUPID BITE!"
Everyone was stunned and the room was silent, except for Micah who began to cry uncontrollably.
I could see the disapproval on my husband's face which made me even more mad because I wanted someone to justify my immature behavior (you know give me back-up).  Besides, it wasn't like he hadn't ever lost his cool before, I grumbled in rationalization.
I was so angry but also terribly embarrassed.  I knew I behaved poorly.  I grabbed my car keys and left the house in an effort to let off steam.

I drove to a nearby trail-head and began hiking at full force to get every angry feeling out of me, never pausing, never stopping, just stomping my way up the mountain to the painted Y.

I huffed along determining that I would never again lose my temper like that.  The scenario played back in my mind and the look on everyone's faces haunted me.  I scolded myself, "You were the one being stubborn, Alicia....  You were the one making such a big deal out of something so insignificant.... And you want to know what was stupid?? Your behavior was stupid!..."

I arrived at the top of the Y and found a place to sit.  I folded my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs.  Taking a large deep breath and then exhaling slowly, I surveyed the beautiful panorama of Provo,  I sat there for quite sometime on that mountain relieved to be away but disappointed in myself for the behavior that led me there.  I searched for the roof of my apartment in the tiny scale of buildings below.  Pinpointing it, I squinted and marveled how small everything looked.  It caused me to recall a quote I had stashed away years ago by Confucius, "Men do not stumble over mountains, but over molehills." I thought to myself, "Boy, did I ever stumble!"  How foolish I had been to make such a big deal out of something so small.   Tears rolled down my face as I prayed for forgiveness.  I pleaded for the kind of patience and humility that would prevent me from ever doing anything like that again.

A calmness covered me, the stillness refreshed my soul, and I felt grateful for such a loving Father in Heaven.  The next step was to make things right and do some serious apologizing.  The sun began to set beyond the horizon and the city lights glittered brighter.  I began my descent back home continuing to ponder on the changes I needed to make as a mother and anxious to tell Micah how terribly sorry I was.

When I walked through the door of the apartment, I discovered that he was already asleep.  Quietly, I stepped into his room and knelt down by his bed.  I could tell by the shutter in his breathing that he had cried himself to sleep.  Such a realization pierced my heart with sorrow.  I whispered another prayer, asking for Micah's forgiveness.

A new day came and Micah woke up as his bubbly-happy-self.  It was as if nothing ever happened.  He greeted me with a hug and a kiss and grabbed his breakfast.  "Hey, bud..."  I said, as he shoveled cereal into his mouth.  "I'm really sorry for the way I behaved last night.  I was the one who was making a big deal out of something so small.  I was the one who was behaving stupid.  I'm really, really sorry.  I will never lose my temper like that again.  Will you forgive me?"
"It's okay," he said reassuringly as he continued to hum with each spoonful.
I was completely inspired by his ability to so easily let go of what I had done. I felt thankful for a brand-new day...
a new day to put my words into practice,
a new day to get up and try again,
a new day to exercise my faith and call upon the Lord for strength,
a new day to put one foot in front of the other and focus on what really matters.

In my journey, this is the mountain worth climbing.
-Alicia