Wherever They Go

Things are still going wonderful with our little three-year-old foster girl, so great in fact that we are taking in a couple more foster kids this weekend. One girl is eleven and the other is seven. It's respite care so it won't be a permanent placement but I'm extremely happy that in this case we are in a position to take them.

My heart hurts for our former fosters who left a few months ago. I think about them every day and wish that conditions would have been such that they could have stayed. I love them both very much and it's hard to see the family they are with now struggling worse than we were. I offer my help and bring my former fosters to my home about once a week but it just makes me more aware of how much they've digressed since they left. They've been living with their mom on the weekends and should be living permanently with her soon. I can't help but wonder which roads they will choose in life.... I wonder the same thing about my bio children.

No matter where any of my children go and what choices they make, I hope they all know that we love them so much and wish for them the very best.

-Alicia

Roll With It

It's fun picking Chandler up from work, watching him come out of the office doors dressed in a collared shirt and slacks, sporting a suave half-smile. At sixteen years old, Chandler is the youngest drafter the architecture firm has ever hired - the next oldest up from him is about twenty-three.

Chandler works every other day just a regular nine-to-five job. Then, he's on the high-school campus with the days in between. During the space in the evenings where he is home, he's either writing music or catching up with his online schoolwork. He's very busy these days but I love seeing him learn more responsibility.

With his full schedule, it's rare to be able to pull him away to engage with the family very much. The other day, I came through the door hauling groceries into the house - I glanced over at Chandler at the kitchen table (who was busy as usual writing music on his laptop) I glanced down at the large package of toilet paper rolls I had just set by the bathroom. I had a brilliant idea.... I couldn't restrain the urge to seize an opportunity to have a little fun. 

I filled my arms with rolls of toilet paper and crouched behind the counter. Then, when I got a good view of Chandler's head, I chucked a roll at him. 

I missed. 

He smiled because he knew exactly what I was up to. I chucked a second roll and he reflexively caught it. He smiled again because he knew my attempts were thwarted. I opened rapid fire and he deflected every shot until I was completely out of ammo.

But now, surrounding his work-space was a pile of toilet paper rolls. He had all of them and I had none. He began firing back as I ducked and dodged... but mostly got hit. I sighed, acting defeated as I gathered all the rolls into a bag and  walked toward the living room, "Well, I better go put these away" I stepped around the corner out of his view.  

I waited until I knew he was focused on his work again (although, I'm pretty sure he knows me well enough to have anticipated my return). Nevertheless, when the time was right, I jumped out from the corner and threw one last roll squarely at his head! "Ha ha! Gotcha!" 

We both laughed and I was grateful I was able to steal his time for some light-hearted playing. Spontaneous moments like these make the best memories!

Steady as she goes!

This last week of summer vacation, our family is going to spend a couple days hiking, camping, kayaking and rafting with the Nimer family. This is our last push for making fun memories before all our schedules go crazy after school starts.

Provo's district starts on the 15th this month.  I'll have two kids in high school now! (Well... part-time high school). Chanlder and  Miriam really like the idea of being homeschooled with their core classes and taking their extracurricular on campus. So, every-other-day I still get to have all my kids home. :)

I start school up again at BYU on the 5th of September. I'm taking a nutrition and wellness class that's twice a week, early in the morning. I'm keeping my schedule light because of foster care. I just never know when we're going to get "bonus kids" or how long they will stay.  There's always a bit of necessary adjusting after the first few days and nights of a new placement.

Every new school year, I feel like I'm jumping in to a big ocean of unknowns and changes. Every year is so different from the last. Challenges will present themselves through trying to balance the kid's school, my school, Joseph's work, Chandler's new job, foster care, and my church calling.  I read this quote this morning and think it's a good reminder amid all the scheduling:

It can be tricky trying to take things slowly in our daily hectic schedules. But remember the story of the tortoise and the hare? "Slow and steady wins the race." Speaking of "steady," I read a verse in Helaman 15:8 today that talks about freedom resulting from being "firm and steadfast in the faith". 

President Uchdorf put it another way, "If life and its rushed pace and many stresses have made it difficult for you to feel like rejoicing, then perhaps now is a good time to refocus on what matters most.

Strength comes not from frantic activity but from being settled on a firm foundation of truth and light. It comes from placing our attention and efforts on the basics of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. It comes from paying attention to the divine things that matter most."

The pressures of daily living, raising a family, work, school, service in the community and church, can feel like tumultuous ocean waves beating upon us. There's a old nautical phrase the sailors say, "steady as she goes." Steady. Steadfast. Keep the course of what matters most.

Basically, as long as I make sure to always slow down enough to make time for my daily spiritual nourishment and the daily spiritual nourishment of my family, I can feel peace in the middle of a storm.

President Ezra Taft Benson testified that, "When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities."

-Alicia

Where'd the wisdom go?

This is the face of a sixteen-year-old kid who is NOT AT ALL excited to get his wisdom teeth pulled.



I was excited though because I wanted to see how Chandler would act when he was loopy in the post-op.





The Dr's. Office had a wall with quotes with crazy things said by other patients coming out of anesthesia. I figured Chandler would say some pretty funny stuff so I had my camera all ready.


It felt a little long waiting...
......
...


This is the face of a mom having way too much fun making selfies with the writing on the wall.

Finally, when the surgery was over, we got some video footage of Chandler as he was waking up... and he certainly WAS loopy. I'm glad he was on the happy end of loopiness because the teenage girl who left the office before us was an emotional mess, screaming and crying.

Chandler wasn't emotional at all. He wasn't angry or aggressive either.  He was just fascinated with the after-effect sensations of a completely numb face and fuzzy finger-tips.




I discovered that Chandler can out-swear any sailor... even a drunk sailor. I have never heard him use so much colorful language in such a short span of time in all my life!
Every other word was *f* *a*  and  *s*.

I couldn't help but wonder how conscious he was of it. I tried a couple of times to correct him.  It lasted less than two seconds after his apology, "Oh, sorry about that....*bleep * bleep *bleepidy bleep*"


Remember the photo I took before his surgery? This one...

Well... This is the face of a sixteen-year-old kid having way too much fun knowing he can totally get away with his little potty mouth in front of mom and blame it on the sedation drug.

The drug wore off shortly after being home and he was back to his old self  - censored but grumpy. He'll cheer up soon though. He gets all the ice cream and movies he wants for the next couple of days. What teenage kid couldn't be happy with that???

Okay...well...

...I had a good day though.

Mother's Day Highs

My husband is so good to me. In honor of Mother's Day, he made a wonderful BBQ dinner tonight and got the kids to do all the clean-up. He's awesome! The weather was perfect to be outside. Our rose bush is in bloom and the huge tree in our front yard gives perfect shade to enjoy a ride on the swing. I had a sweet moment enjoying it all with the kids.

 At the end of mine and Joseph's fast together, my husband I both felt tremendous peace with our decision to move our foster daughter out. It doesn't mean that my heart is not broken about the matter.  I still ache for this girl but I know we've done our best.

Lovely Skittles bouquet Kaylee made me for Mother's Day 

-Alicia

Mother's Day Lows

It's so strange. I've never had a Mother's Day where I've felt like this, so depressed. My husband was going to make me breakfast but I don't feel well and I certainly don't have an appetite. He's fasting this morning because of the difficulties we have been facing with foster care - he's especially fasting for me to be strengthened.  He asked what he could do to make this Mother's Day more meaningful. I expressed sincere gratitude for his wonderful thoughtfulness and told him that I would actually like to join him in his fast. I pray with all my heart to be better. I know I can do better as a mom.

This is the first time in my life that I've really struggled with Mother's Day. I think it's because this is my first one as a foster mom.... and not just any foster mom - one who feels like giving up. After the experiences we've had with foster care, my eyes have been opened to exactly how difficult it can be to express love to a high trauma level child. Our foster daughter has a very thin threshold before she flies into full-scale panic. The trick is to try and catch her, to calm her, in that small little window before she ramps up. Unfortunately, that window usually only lasts a couple seconds before she's screaming at the top of her lungs and flailing her arms uncontrollably. 

It's daily, over small things. For example: Yesterday, she told me she wanted an apple. I sliced her an apple and handed it to her. As soon as I did that she changed her mind and said she didn't want it anymore. I told her to take at least one bite. "NO! I'm throwing it away!" she demanded.

"Honey, you don't need to throw it away. just set it on the counter." She set it on the counter.

I called out to the other kids, "Does anyone else want these apple slices?"

"I do, I do, I do!" Three of my kids came rushing in the kitchen for them.

As soon as my foster daughter saw this she screamed, "No! MY apple!" She tried to grab them back.

I interceded, "You wanted to throw it away, remember. I'm letting them have it now."

And the meltdown began. 

She proceeded to kick and scream uncontrollably for 30 minutes straight.

In the van a couple days ago, she wanted chips. "I want more chips!" she insisted. (I had two different kinds.) She had been eating the spicy ones.

"Okay, how do you ask nicely?"

"Please, can I have more chips?"

"Wonderful, Thank you for asking nicely." I said. "Here you go." I placed a handful of spicy chips in her cup holder.

"No!!!" She started screaming and shaking her finger rapidly at the front of the van, "Give me the other ones!!"

I looked at the bag by my driver's seat. "Those are sweet potato. You don't like those ones."

She insisted, "Yes! I want those! Give me those!"

"I can, but how do you ask nicely?" I prompted her again.

Her body was still tense as she wiggled impatiently and stammered out, "Please, can I have those ones?"

"Yes. Here you go." I placed a handful in her other cup holder and then made my way back to the driver's seat.

As soon as I turned the ignition, buckled myself in, and began to pull away, I heard, "I don't like these chips!" She began throwing the sweet potato ones on the floor. 

"Hey, don't throw those." I objected. "You just threw a huge tantrum saying you wanted them."
She changed her mind again, "No, these are yucky! I WANT the spicy ones!"

I sighed, "You have spicy ones in your other cup holder."

"I want MORE spicy ones!" she shouted. 

I was not about to pull over and get out of the driver's seat again so I said, "Well, you'll have to wait until we get home to have more. I'm sorry."

Hearing that, she began to go completely ballistic. She screamed bloody murder and kicked the seat in front of her violently the entire way home.

I've had hard moments with my own children but I've never had a child as difficult as this little girl. She throws violent tantrums all the time for things she wants, and when she gets it, she throws an equally violent tantrum stating she no longer wants it. This back-and-forth is a constant pattern with her. It's lose-lose all the time. What I've mentioned above are just a couple of examples of moments where she has gone into full-scale uncontrollable, almost epileptic, tantrums. And they happen several times a day, every single day. 

It has become too much to bear! We finally told the social worker that we need to have her moved from our home. My own kids are terribly fatigued from her behaviors too. The supervisor over DCFS had a phone conference with me and my husband a couple days ago. He told us that most foster children aren't this way and that we happened to be placed with an extreme case. 

I don't know if that was meant to comfort us.

Soon, she will be removed from our home, maybe in about a month. We said we wanted to continue to foster her brother. He's doing really well and he certainly doesn't want to leave. DCFS doesn't like to split siblings though. We hope he can stay. This breaks my heart. 

Making this decision to move her on has been so painful. I can't help but feel like somehow I've failed. 

-Alicia 

Down to the River

Micah turned twelve over the weekend. I let him choose how he wanted to spend the afternoon together on his birthday.  He's incredibly easy to please.  All he wanted to do was eat Little Caesar's crazy bread and walk along the Provo River.

As we got out of the van and started heading toward the parkway that runs along the river, I had a weird sense of  déjà vu.
"It feels like we've done this exact same thing before," I said to him.
Micah replied, "That's because we have, mom. This is what we did together on my eighth birthday too."
I laughed as I recalled the four years previous, "Oh yeah, we did... didn't we?"

It was such a perfect afternoon. Micah found a log to rest on and enjoy the shade of the narrowleaf cottonwood trees. I smiled adoringly as I watched him soak up the sound of rushing water accompanied by the cheerful chirping of birds. He has always loved this kind of stuff, more than any of my other kids.

His dream is to have a little cottage someday tucked away in the solitude of the mountains, where he has a porch with a wooden rocking chair overlooking a freshwater stream. There, he'll close his eyes, breathe the fresh crisp air, and relax to the sounds of nature.

I like that dream.

-Alicia





I

Leave this part blank.

I can't even write anymore. I can't seem to grasp my own thoughts, let alone articulate them.  I feel so terribly far from inspiration.  These days, I hardly know how to talk to my old friends when I see them let alone how to talk to God. In most of my prayers my mind drifts endlessly or is totally blank. My husband has expressed the exact same struggles. My children are manifesting similar emotions too.

Our world has shrunk to a select few who understand. The couple in our ward who had these kids before us "get" what we're going through but even they didn't have the children as long...and they didn't have their own biological children to blend with them either.

The irony of foster care is you try so desperately to save the lives of your foster kids but in the process you better brace yourself to take a wrecking ball to your own life. The trick is to avoid resenting that "wrecking ball" even learn how to love it, to embrace it.

Now, my foster son is doing pretty well despite a few set-backs.  I can't complain. He is trying so hard and I'm very proud of his progress. On the other hand, the melt-downs have increased with my foster daughter again. She was really doing better for several weeks in a row until she started seeing her mother 2x a week at the daycare for women in drug rehab. Almost every night now before bed she's back to  having convulsions and screaming non-stop for over an hour.  She's been doing this more in the day too. There's absolutely no consoling her. I offer to read her a story or to scratch her back in an effort to calm her. I hold her and she kicks and flails. Every soothing effort she violently refuses and so I walk away only to hear her scream like a banshee for all that she said she didn't want two seconds ago. At that point, all I can do is shut the door, walk away, and wait for her to be silent. Sometimes, I'm not that patient and I scream back or give her one big firm swat on the butt. (Of course that never helps.)

When she's not having melt-downs she wants me holding her and I do hold her but she weighs the same as Kaylee and I can't hold her for extremely long periods like she wishes.  The minute I set her down, she panics or starts lashing out at my other kids--That's hard for them. Chandler can't stand it, so he chases after her in a territorial manner acting like he's going to beat her... of course, he doesn't touch her but the threat is enough to cause the anxiety in her three-yr-old body to sky-rocket. (I've had a thousand lectures with Chandler about this begging him not tease her like that.)

She is a good girl and can be very sweet. I desperately want to give her the best home.  I want to help her so much but she can also be so hard, so very, very hard! Never in my life have I experienced a child like her. No one sees the struggles we are going through. No one sees it! When I talk with the social workers, they say I'm doing great. Really? Because I feel like crap! I'm just not who I thought I'd be as a foster mom.

I found a medical term that describes what my husband and I are going through. It's called Post Adoption Depression.  Now, we aren't adopting right now because our goal in foster care is to get these kids to reunification with the birth-parents but many of the symptoms we have been experiencing are the same as listed in Post Adoption Depression.

So what do we do? 

I don't know. I have no clue. 

There are many good moments.  I guess that is what I was trying to capture in my last post... but who am I kidding?... Most of the time, it feels like I'm falling apart. I pray for strength to be a better person. I know I can do better.

-Alicia 

I found a small space in our shrunken world that seemed to validate our emotions. According to this thread, this is "the new normal" and I need to have faith that time will be the healing factor.

https://adoption.com/forums/thread/369558/still-not-feeling-attached-to-adopted-daughter/

Vivian Park - This was a good day for our family. (Foster's faces are blurred because we can't post their pictures.)

Oh, how I needed this!

I went to lunch with my sisters-in-law this afternoon and they asked how things were going with foster care.  I told them that I really didn't know and that it was much harder than I had imagined. I get discouraged because I just haven't felt like I'm doing that great of a job.  These kids need someone who can see the hurt deep down inside of them and not take offense to every slight. They need someone who is willing to hold them and love them even when on the outside they are pushing everyone away. I just don't see myself as fulfilling those needs enough.

Tonight, my foster son asked if he could type in his journal on his laptop after I tucked him in bed.  I brought his computer in and said, "Sure, as long as you promise that you're not going to sneak games or YouTube videos in, you are very welcome to type in your journal." A little while later, he called me back to the bedroom. "I sent you something in a Google Doc."

"You did? What was it that you sent?"

"You'll see. Check your email."

"Right now?"

"Yeah, check your email. I want to watch you read it."

Now I was curious. I grabbed the phone and pulled open my email and read the following note:

I hugged him tightly and kissed him on the forehead. "Thank you so much! This was the sweetest thing you could have ever done. You don't realize how much this means to me. Thank you!" I kissed him again. He smiled bashfully and crawled back into bed. I wished him a good night and squeezed his hand tight. 

I think my foster son was inspired by the Spirit to write me this note tonight.  It came at a very good time. I really needed the encouragement.

-Alicia :)

Driving Lessons

Chandler has been driving with his permit for eight months now. It's so fun to see him growing up! He's an interesting mixture of cautious and cocky when he's on the road.

Before I say much more, I have a small confession to make:
He has actually been driving with me much longer than with his permit... much longer.  I don't know how legal it is but I've been taking all my kids to vacant church parking lots since they were eight years old giving them turns sitting with me in the driver's seat.  It's just a little more difficult these days to be inconspicuous in our big huge "space shuttle."

Through the years, I've noticed how completely different each of my kids have handled driving and how core aspects of their personalities manifest themselves behind the wheel.

Just for the record, Chandler gave his predictions for each of his siblings when they get their licence:
"Miriam will always drive 20-miles-an-hour under the speed limit.
Micah will be the first one to get in a wreck.
Kaylee will be too afraid to even get behind the wheel."

I laugh because I believe he's right with Micah and I don't think the wreck will be small... and of course, Micah will think it was awesome! But Chandler's predictions about his "timid" sisters couldn't be more off.  Miriam has always handled it quite confidently and maturely. As for Kaylee, Chandler hasn't been with me when I've taken her out for a "drive"... she's much more "brave" than he thinks.

-Alicia

All About Learning

Joseph took work off today so we could enjoy a nice morning hike together. He's been so good about making sure we have time alone. Our dates are more frequent and consistent than ever and I love it! I think Joseph has felt more protective of me because of all we are experiencing with foster care. He's anxious to make sure I'm holding up okay.  It's very sweet of him.

It's been great to see how my kids protectively look out for me too. I have one class this semester at BYU. It has been pretty easy because it's a religion class and I use part of my scripture study time in the early morning to do my reading assignments which works out well because they're assigned from the scriptures. The exams are a little tough though. Last night, I had to study for one but couldn't really get to it until late in the evening. When I finally made it into my room to study, my foster daughter kept screaming for me. I could hear Miriam outside my bedroom door patiently working with her and helping her understand that I couldn't come out of my room. Miriam really is a miracle-worker when it comes to children.

Chandler also tried to help give me the space I needed to study. When he heard our foster daughter screaming for me again, he bounded up the stairs with a growl to "stop her"... which resulted in Miriam, Joseph, Micah, and Kaylee all dog-piling Chandler to "protect" our foster daughter. Ha ha! Despite that bit of drama, I really do appreciate Chandler's heart in it.  He really does look out for me.

It has been amazing to watch my children in this huge life-change for them and I've been so pleased to see them adjust as well as they have.  I think Micah and Kaylee have dealt with the most. They both have demonstrated incredible compassion, making room, giving time, teaching patiently, and sharing. I worry though... because I think some damage has been done to Kaylee emotionally so we've made an effort to get her therapy from a Dr. who specializes with foster families.

As hard as it has been, I must say that our foster kids have shown huge positive changes from when they first moved in with us. They are learning what it means to have boundaries, personal space, and healthy communication. They are learning responsibilities, learning to work, learning to play, learning to be creative, and use their imaginations. They are learning how a mom and a dad should treat each other. They are learning what it's like to have a book read to them, to have positive physical affection, and to feel safe at night.

We're all learning so much. I've said it before and I'll say it again:

Show me a person who has innumerable followers, popularity, high accolades, degrees and doctorates, scholarly knowledge, who has read all the books and passed all the tests but who has never learned to care for their family, never learned to be civil in conversation, never learned to recognize and act upon the Spirit, never learned to reach beyond their obsession of self to sincerely love their neighbor, who has never learned to truly love and truly serve - and you've shown me a fool, indeed.

I truly believe that best kind of education is found in meaningful relationships, it is found in learning to love, to step outside our self in the most exhausting and difficult circumstances.

-Alicia

Action Items

“I find that when I get casual in my relationships with divinity and when it seems that no divine ear is listening and no divine voice is speaking, that I am far, far away. If I immerse myself in the scriptures the distance narrows and the spirituality returns. I find myself loving more intensely those whom I must love with all my heart and mind and strength, and loving them more, I find it easier to abide their counsel.” 

- Spencer W. Kimball

Reflecting on  General Conference today and yesterday, this is a quote that keeps coming to my mind.  It seemed that most of the talks were centered on or frequently mentioned the importance of daily personal scripture study.

My husband has always been a great example to me of one who diligently studies the scriptures.  Lately, he's been taking to heart Elder Nelson's counsel to study scriptures focused on Jesus Christ daily.  As a result, he's been listening to the four gospels at work every day for the past several weeks.

I feel like I really could use some improvement in my personal prayers and scripture study, Though I don't think my problem is being casual. Scripture study and prayer are just part of my regular daily routine.  But I feel as if I've been more blank, less feeling, with little to no absorption in my study lately,  I've had more days than usual where I've felt depressed too so maybe that's part of it.  I don't feel like I'm the same person I was six months ago.  I feel like my experiences being a foster mom have been like a bomb dropped on me and I'm still reeling from the shock.

There's so much I need to improve on.  Foster care is extremely humbling.  Speaking of foster care... Another thing that stood out to me in conference today was when S. Mark Palmer said, "those who are the hardest to love are the ones who need love the most." This is my earnest prayer: to love when I don't feel like loving, to give when I don't feel like giving, to sacrifice when I have nothing left in me to sacrifice.

I'm so grateful for a wonderful conference weekend. And I'm grateful for every new day to keep trying and keep practicing. God is good.

-Alicia

Feels more like falling...

Today was a little rough. Actually, this past week has been more rough than usual. (And that's saying something) I think I've been feeling a little guilty for the time it takes to care for the foster kids and I worry that my biological children feel slighted or pushed off to the side. I had a team meeting on Monday, my foster son's school performance on Tuesday, a DSFS evaluation for two hours on Wednesday, and they've just increased the required parent visits to a total of four hours a week, plus preschool with mom so she can receive parental training with her own daughter which adds up to an additional 9 hours a week.

Now, I get that more parent/child time is needed since the end goal is to reunite these kids with their biological family but it makes the foster kids more emotional, more confused, more difficult to redirect.

I've been so concerned about making sure my own biological children don't feel neglected as I try to work through these issues with the fosters. I've forced myself to stay up past midnight several nights in a row because that's the only time I'll get to just scratch their backs one by one and talk to the children.

I asked some questions on our support group page and immediately a whole bunch of other foster parents chimed in to give their encouragement and validation.  

A foster mom related, "One thing that one of my bio children said to me this past summer was, 'You don't know what it's like to share your mom with someone else!' Until that point, I didn't understand her frustration, now I am very careful with how much time is spent with each bio/adopted and foster children. It is a very fine line to walk so that your own children do not build resentment towards you. Foster Care is the hardest thing I have done in my life.  

Dozens of comments came back where I knew I had a community who understood my concerns completely.  

A couple of comments were a little more light-hearted like this one from a foster dad, 

"We thought that as long as the foster kids were little, and younger than our bio kids, then there would be no problems. Bwahahahahaha!"

Others shared ideas of how to unify our family and nourish each relationship, to help create bonds with the bios and the fosters. I'm excited to try some of the ideas. 

One particular woman's comments were so great that I had to visit her profile page.  There, I discovered this cool photo I have displayed at the top of this post: "Sometime's you gotta fall before you fly."

*Sigh* - Jumping in with both feet can be a little scary.... It's the story of my life though.

"Courage is not the absence of fear; it is the ability to act in spite of it." - anonymous 

-Alicia

Hang In There

It's that dazed feeling, the numbing sensation a boxer gets after one too many punches in the face as he sways and stumbles, struggling to keep himself upright. Thoughts of "What am I doing here?" and "I hope I make it out alive." race through his brain as he squints through the sweat and tears of his swollen eyes.

Life can feel like that sometimes... like one big nasty fight.

He's scared. He's tired of being in the ring. Sometimes he cries. Sometimes he punches back... but most of the time, he doesn't even feel like he belongs in his own body.

He has learned to trust me...  and though I can't save him from the fight of his life, he keeps looking to me as someone who has the power to do something.

He likes to come up to me and give me a hug at least seven or eight times a day. I guess that's good (even though it can be a little excessive).  I'm just happy he feels comfortable with me now.  It's a huge leap forward compared to when he first moved in with us three months ago,  Then, he would hardly ever make eye contact.

Tonight, he told me he loved me for the very first time. He hugged me tighter and tighter until he was lifting me off the ground.  (He likes the fact that he's ten years old and can pick me up.) Plus, carrying me was his way of trying to be playful in order to cover up the thoughts that worried him.

Today was a rough day and I knew it.  No matter how he tried, he couldn't hide his emotions. Finally he blurted out, "I miss my mom so bad," as tears streamed down his face and onto my arms. I hugged him back and patted his head, encouraging him to hang in there. Every single week, the few days after he visits his mom are always tough for him. It must be terribly confusing seeing her but not being able to stay with her.

He really is a sweet boy.  I know that when he acts out in anger, he's really just scared. (I need to remind myself of that in the moment.)  He's tired of this fight.  My heart goes out to him. He asked if I would pray for his family to be together again.  I told him I would.  I also said that no matter what happens in the future to always remember he has me as a friend to turn to.

That made him smile.

Good Days

These past couple of days have been good. My husband and I have felt strengthened by the hand of the Lord.  Prayer is amazing! We have felt greater compassion, greater patience, and greater peace.

I certainly have not felt worthy of these blessings that have rested upon us but I'm incredibly grateful for them.  I have been humbled by this calling to be a foster mom. It has certainly made me more aware of my weaknesses--and wow, what a delicate balance, to allow this awareness to remain in my mind but not allow discouragement! 

When I've been at my breaking point, I've been blessed with new ideas to handle conflict and the ability to praise the slightest hint of good behavior.

I'm grateful that I have a God in heaven who hears my prayers, both the spoken and unspoken. I'll take whatever good days that come--They give me hope for tomorrow.

-Alicia

My Hopeless Romantic

The afternoon was busy as I bounced between all the household chores, drove to and from music lessons, worked on homeschool with my three younger ones, rushed to the store, and raced the clock to assemble a Thai recipe my foster son had been begging me to cook before he got home from school...

In all the chaos, I almost didn't notice the most adorable thing happening right in front of me:

My 3-yr-old foster daughter danced into the kitchen beaming with delight as she twirled to show me the elegant red dress she was wearing. Micah stood proudly behind her with a smile. "Doesn't she look beautiful, mom?"
"Yes, she does." I agreed. "Did you help her pick that out?"
Micah nodded and then turned to my foster daughter, sweetly calling her by name, "Now all you need is a beautiful flower for your hair.  Do you want me to pick you a flower?"
She nodded, "Yes".
"Okay, I'll be right back. Wait right here." Micah instructed my foster daughter as she stared out the glass door and watched him step outside.  She waited fondly as he disappeared around the corner of the house beyond her view.

A few minutes later, Micah entered back in the house through the front door, holding in his hand a beautiful pink paper flower with a green paper stem.
"Here you go!" Micah said as he presented his foster sister with the gift.
She jumped with excitement at the sight as he gently tucked the flower in her hair.

"Micah, that was so incredibly sweet of you to do.  Did you make that while you were outside?"
"Yeah" he smiled shyly.  "I wanted to pick one from our yard but because it is winter, there's nothing growing... so I walked around to the front porch and hurried to make her this paper one."
"Micah, you not only just made her day... you made my day too.  I can't believe how incredibly sweet you are!  The flower is absolutely lovely!"
She wore it in her hair the rest of the evening and held it in her hand as she fell asleep tonight.
What a precious memory!

Man! Micah has always been my hopeless romantic. Things like this just seem to be so natural for him.  He has certainly won my heart.
Oh, how I love him!

-Alicia

P.S.
Just a little extra tid-bit that makes this kid even more adorable.. Left Hand Free by, Alt-J is his favorite song right now. He can sing along to every single word.  He loves to play this!
"Pick a pedal eenie, meanie, minie-moe, and Flower, you're the chosen one."

One-On-One Winter Semester

Winter Semester started this week. I love being on campus so much! For the next few months, I have three of my kids lined up with Seeds of Success--a group of volunteer BYU students who study one-on-one with kids for an hour each week.  Micah and Kaylee go to campus on Mondays and Miriam goes on Thursdays.  I have my class that I attend each week too so, I get to be on campus more than ever this semester.

 The kids love their tutors! Doing their schoolwork one-on-one with college-aged students inspires them to seek a higher education, it helps them learn to socialize with a more mature age, and gives them outstanding role models to follow in their most formative years.

While Miriam studied yesterday, I was able to have one-on-one time with my foster daughter and it seemed to fill the need of her attention bucket for almost the rest of the day.

While Micah and Kaylee study on campus with their tutors, my foster son has expressed the desire to have one-on-one time and be given a tour of the buildings at BYU. I'm more than happy to give him a tour of my favorite place on earth.

Here's to another semester of life, love, and learning!

-Alicia

Favorite Things

I stay up late most nights taking turns scratching each of the kids backs and listening to them tell me about their day or ask questions about life.  My foster son loves to be last so he can get the longest back scratch and talk to me the most... Tonight he wanted to have a tickle fight after his back scratch was over--making him completely giddy... (so much for sleepiness).  He loves to find whatever way he can to get physical affection (something he has been starved of his whole life). Eventually, he fell asleep. It was cute.

I feel like today ended as a pretty good day.  After all the kids finally dozed off, I reflected on the good time I had visiting at their bedsides. I feel so blessed to have each of them in my life.

One of my favorite things about being a mom is watching all my children discover their own unique passions and talents:

• Miriam is my little author.  Whenever she has a spare moment, she loves to write books, mostly mystery and suspense books. She loves to have me and Joseph proof-read every chapter. I won't be surprised to see her name published someday.
• Micah is my sculptor and engineer. He loves to craft things, and he can create just about anything.  He's incredible! He sculpted and sold a nativity set at our friend's shop up the street.  He really could easily sell almost all of his creations. 
• Honestly, I haven't discovered one particular focus Kaylee has a passion for... she's just passionate.  She's my little lover, always giving away hugs and kisses galore, especially to little babies.
• I'm still working on helping my foster son develop a passion for something.  He doesn't have much confidence in himself.  I keep telling him that he can do so much more than he realizes.  
• My foster daughter is only three...  I'm still trying to discover her passion too.
• And last but not least, Chandler's favorite thing in the whole wide world (besides watching football), is writing electronic dance music.  Chandler began his own SoundCloud page three months ago.  I have to say, for a fifteen-year-old kid, he has some pretty impressive stuff that he has composed.  The other night, Chandler was showing me the latest track he had written.  His stuff is really worth a listen.  When he was finished showing me his work, he playfully nudged me insisting that he share a quick Youtube video about electronic dance music.  It's a pretty funny clip, clearly making a mock of EDM,  We both had a very good laugh together.

I love being a mom... sure it's a tough job but it's so fun to watch my kids grow and see their unique personalities. Time is passing much faster than I ever imagined it would.  I want to hang on to everything I can.

-Alicia

Not On My Watch

My friend gave our family her old Xbox last week, including several games.  I haven't known my friend for very long but she is an active member of the Church.  I was shocked at the kinds of games she gave us, the ratings were for mature and teen: images of women scantily dressed and provocatively posed, and terribly violent games. To my friend's credit, maybe she was getting rid of these games because she recognized the lack of wisdom in allowing such things into her home, how this kind of entertainment goes against the standards the Prophets have laid out.  I thanked her graciously for the Xbox.  (She doesn't know I threw all but one of the games away.) We kept Madden 16. :)

As a wife and mother who has witnessed loved ones in my family and extended family struggle with pornography, hatred or  blind rage, I cannot let my guard down with the things I allow into my home "because it's only a game".  I am the guardian of this hearth!

My foster son comes from a home where there were no rules with video games or movies, or any kind of entertainment.  In fact, almost his whole entire life has been spent being babysat in a corner by a TV screen or video game.  The effects have been very damaging to his social behavior, his life perceptions and views, his aggression/temper, and his eating habits. When he first came to live with us, he discovered we had very strict rules with our screen time.  He displayed quite a bit of frustration and resistance to our rules.  But after two months, he has shown incredible improvement! I was so proud of him the other day when he said he didn't really care so much about video games anymore and that he was happy with all the other ways we spent our time.

President Hinckley chose to read the Proclamation on the Family to the General Relief Society as his very first audience.  There is a reason he chose the women of the Church first, he said. “You are the guardians of the hearth,” he told the sisters. “You are the bearers of the children. You are they who nurture them and establish within them the habits of their lives. No other work reaches so close to divinity as does the nurturing of the sons and daughters of God.” -(Gordon B. Hinckley, “Stand Strong against the Wiles of the World,” 101)

It is me who establishes the habits of my children's lives, me! I have a great responsibility on my shoulders.  These things are not allowed in my home, not on my watch. I pray they will recognize the joy that comes from choosing the better part, from choosing virtue and goodness.

"Never has there been a more complex time in the history of the earth. Satan and his minions have been perfecting the weapons in their arsenal for millennia, and they are experienced at destroying faith and trust in God and in the Lord Jesus Christ among the human family.

...We need more of the distinctive, influential voices and faith of women. We need you to learn the doctrine and to understand what we believe so that you can bear your testimonies about the truth of all things" - Elder M. Russell Ballard - Men and Women in the Work of the Lord

Things as They Really Are

-Alicia

Builders

"Let us do our work as well,

Both the unseen and the seen;

Make the house, where Gods may dwell,

Beautiful, entire, and clean."

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882)

My foster daughter has shown quite a bit of improvement this past week.  She has had less melt-downs and less hitting.  She has been more compliant and has been communicating more politely with full and complete sentences.  She has even been letting me potty-train her (something she resisted with vengeance a few weeks ago). With the melt-downs fewer and farther between, our house has seemed more peaceful and the tension in all my children has decreased.

My foster daughter put together these blocks and said with excitement, "I'm building Alicia's house".  (I can't show the photo of her face but imagine an extremely proud grin.)  I'm sure in her mind, it was just simple play. but I like this picture because this is a good reminder to me to build my house right.

Over the holidays, we visited two of my husband's sister's homes.  My foster son was in complete awe of how huge their homes were.  He said a few things to them that made us uncomfortable. As we drove back to our place he kept making comments about how rich Joseph's sisters must be.
I leaned back over the driver's seat and said, "They do have very nice houses don't they? But that's not what makes their place a great place to live.  They are rich in much more important ways."
He stopped to consider what I meant.
I continued, "A house is made of brick and stone but a home is made of love alone."
"What's that supposed to mean?" He asked.
"Listen again. What do you think it's supposed to mean? 'A house is made of brick and stone but a home is made of love alone.'"
"I don't get it." My foster son huffed.
"It means that you could have the richest, most biggest house on the block, and it will be absolutely worthless if there is no love felt inside that home.  It also means that 'home' is more of a feeling, than an actual place."
He continued to reflect on my words but didn't say anymore.

In my short experience of being a foster mom, there is one principle of practice that keeps coming back to my mind: "to build-up"... to build each soul that lives here.  I'm learning how important it is to recognize the smallest accomplishments, to praise each person for their efforts (even if they don't meet my expectations and especially when I don't feel like offering praise). What kind of house am I building?  What feelings reside within these walls and am I making it the place where there is enough love for Gods and angels to dwell?

"For the structure that we raise,

Time is with materials filled;

Our to-days and yesterdays

Are the blocks with which we build.

Truly shape and fashion these;

Leave no yawning gaps between;

Think not, because no man sees,

Such things will remain unseen.

In the elder days of Art,

Builders wrought with greatest care

Each minute and unseen part;

For the Gods see everywhere."

-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882)

-Alicia