I'm Happy!

I had a wonderful birthday today! Joseph kept asking me what I wanted as a gift. I said, "I'd love for you to go with me on a morning hike up to the top of Squaw Peak." My wish was granted! 

Aug. 19th - the two of us are going to
tackle that mountain in the background. :)

In the evening, Joseph took me out to my favorite restaurant, Indian Palace. 

Leave this part blank.

I can't even write anymore. I can't seem to grasp my own thoughts, let alone articulate them.  I feel so terribly far from inspiration.  These days, I hardly know how to talk to my old friends when I see them let alone how to talk to God. In most of my prayers my mind drifts endlessly or is totally blank. My husband has expressed the exact same struggles. My children are manifesting similar emotions too.

Our world has shrunk to a select few who understand. The couple in our ward who had these kids before us "get" what we're going through but even they didn't have the children as long...and they didn't have their own biological children to blend with them either.

The irony of foster care is you try so desperately to save the lives of your foster kids but in the process you better brace yourself to take a wrecking ball to your own life. The trick is to avoid resenting that "wrecking ball" even learn how to love it, to embrace it.

Now, my foster son is doing pretty well despite a few set-backs.  I can't complain. He is trying so hard and I'm very proud of his progress. On the other hand, the melt-downs have increased with my foster daughter again. She was really doing better for several weeks in a row until she started seeing her mother 2x a week at the daycare for women in drug rehab. Almost every night now before bed she's back to  having convulsions and screaming non-stop for over an hour.  She's been doing this more in the day too. There's absolutely no consoling her. I offer to read her a story or to scratch her back in an effort to calm her. I hold her and she kicks and flails. Every soothing effort she violently refuses and so I walk away only to hear her scream like a banshee for all that she said she didn't want two seconds ago. At that point, all I can do is shut the door, walk away, and wait for her to be silent. Sometimes, I'm not that patient and I scream back or give her one big firm swat on the butt. (Of course that never helps.)

When she's not having melt-downs she wants me holding her and I do hold her but she weighs the same as Kaylee and I can't hold her for extremely long periods like she wishes.  The minute I set her down, she panics or starts lashing out at my other kids--That's hard for them. Chandler can't stand it, so he chases after her in a territorial manner acting like he's going to beat her... of course, he doesn't touch her but the threat is enough to cause the anxiety in her three-yr-old body to sky-rocket. (I've had a thousand lectures with Chandler about this begging him not tease her like that.)

She is a good girl and can be very sweet. I desperately want to give her the best home.  I want to help her so much but she can also be so hard, so very, very hard! Never in my life have I experienced a child like her. No one sees the struggles we are going through. No one sees it! When I talk with the social workers, they say I'm doing great. Really? Because I feel like crap! I'm just not who I thought I'd be as a foster mom.

I found a medical term that describes what my husband and I are going through. It's called Post Adoption Depression.  Now, we aren't adopting right now because our goal in foster care is to get these kids to reunification with the birth-parents but many of the symptoms we have been experiencing are the same as listed in Post Adoption Depression.

So what do we do? 

I don't know. I have no clue. 

There are many good moments.  I guess that is what I was trying to capture in my last post... but who am I kidding?... Most of the time, it feels like I'm falling apart. I pray for strength to be a better person. I know I can do better.

-Alicia 

I found a small space in our shrunken world that seemed to validate our emotions. According to this thread, this is "the new normal" and I need to have faith that time will be the healing factor.

https://adoption.com/forums/thread/369558/still-not-feeling-attached-to-adopted-daughter/

Vivian Park - This was a good day for our family. (Foster's faces are blurred because we can't post their pictures.)

This Past Week

Sunday, my parents and my niece, Alexa, came down for a big Easter feast. I invited my brother and sister to come too but they always have an excuse for why they can't make it. My mom says the big issue is that they're uncomfortable being around so many children in my home. It's just too much and they can't handle the stress. Oh well,I'll keep trying to pull my family together. I know my other brother would come if he didn't live so far away.

After dinner we did our two favorite Easter traditions: golden eggs strung on a tree that you open one at a time to tell the story of Christ's Atonement and empty tomb sweet rolls. Then we played outdoor games as a family: foursquare, light-up Frisbee, and Velcro ball.

My kids were thrilled when Alexa told them she was spending the night at our place.  It's been more than half a year since she's stayed a few days. She's busy with work and college now. Her boyfriend, Conner, is preparing for a mission. I know two years will be a terribly difficult separation for them because they love each other deeply. They plan to get married when he returns. He certainly has my approval, what a wonderful son-in-law he'll make. :)




Miriam celebrated her 14th birthday a few days ago.  Alexa gave her some of her old shirts as a gift and Miriam was so proud to be grown up enough to fit in them. Miriam wanted to go skating with her friends for her birthday. She brought a Isabel from school, Elise from our ward, Emma from the 11th ward, Olivia from the 1st ward, and she invited Grace from the 3rd ward but--Grace had a broken foot.  (I love to see Miriam with her friends because they are all such good girls. She's pretty close with each of them and they're all excited to be at girls camp together this summer.)

I went on a lovely afternoon date with Joseph on Tuesday and it was Kaylee's turn for an afternoon date with him on Wednesday.
 The kids all love their dates with dad. We rotate every Wednesday right after music lessons. These little dates are so simple but they mean so much: a walk down the parkway, eating lunch at his desk, or watching a few of their Youtube videos together. It's only a half-hour of Joseph's time. All the kids need is to be with him and they're happy.

I finished my final essay for my class at BYU this week and I take my final test on Tuesday.  So far, I'm one of three students at 100% or above in my grades. I really love school and am so glad I enrolled this semester despite all the craziness in my life.

There's so many things I want to capture through writing but things have been insanely busy. I'll have to come back to this post and add some photos of these and other events through the week.  I don't have time to add them right now because I'm leaving soon to chaperone a field trip for my foster son and I need to get my other children's homeschool set in motion beforehand.

Seize the day!
-Alicia

That Same Sociality

Last night, I took Miriam and Kaylee to a world-wide broadcast of a meeting for all the women in the church ages eight and older.  I also brought my 3-yr-old foster daughter in order to allow the boys at home to be able to "comfortably watch" their action movie while we were away.

At the church, my girls instantly found their friends and bounced happily into the open seats next them. They are always so thrilled to be around Hannah, Mia, and Oli. I was also very glad to connect with their mom, Carol, who is my dear friend,

After the meeting was over,  Carol and her daughters climbed into our van with us to find a good place to grab some milkshakes and visit with each other more.  I met Carol two-and-a-half years ago but it seems much longer than that.

My life is so completely different from when I first met her.  I guess you could say her life is completely different too.  It was great to share with one another some of the lessons we've been learning along the way.  Carol has such a beautiful testimony of God and His involvement in our lives.  She's incredibility compassionate, intelligent, and brave. I truly admire her! It made my whole day, my whole week, to spend that hour-and-a-half together -- just the two of us and our girls. I think I really needed that.

I'm grateful to know "that same sociality which exists among us here [on earth] will exist among us [in heaven]" - D&C 130:2

-Alicia

First Things First and What Matters Most

My husband and I have been fasting and praying for greater compassion and endurance in this journey as foster parents.  This new life had been difficult but we have felt blessings poured out upon us in miraculous ways.  My husband and I have grown so close through all of this and have become quite the team. Joseph is the number one person I look out for and he looks out for me.  I think the most common questions we ask each other throughout the day are, "What do you need from me?" and "What can I do to help make your day better?" Most of the time, all we need is a good long hug.

Now, I believe it's very important for mothers to invest their time with their children and I try to make it a point to give each child a little one-on-one as I go around and say good night.  But one day (faster than we can imagine) all the children will be grown and gone... and the one person who will remain is my husband. My children will go their various directions, travel their separate ways, but Joseph and I will remain together.  We know that if we can thoroughly enjoy and create wonderful intimate moments in all our current chaos, then how much sweeter our companionship will be after the dust settles!

I just read a portion of this talk given by Elder Nelson at BYU in 2000 called, "Identity, Priority, and Blessings." I love how he describes his relationship with his wife:

"Some people on life’s journey forget who they really are and what is really important. Without sure identity and priority, blessings that matter most are at the mercy of things that matter least...

...Through thick and thin, Sister Nelson and I have merged our identity and fixed our focus on our highest priority, our eternal marriage. Through the prolonged period of education and later medical practice, she could have complained about my schedule, but she never did. Our children did not feel they were deprived of their father’s time, simply because Sister Nelson never murmured. Their attitudes were shaped by her attitude. Every moment we were together she seized as an opportunity to provide a little bit of heaven on earth for me and our children.

Now our children are adults with little ones of their own. We enjoy extended family home evenings once a month with all available members of our family. At that time we also celebrate family birthdays. Many names are written on each birthday cake. After those gala gatherings are over—when peace and quiet have again been restored—Sister Nelson and I lovingly embrace each other, grateful that we never allowed anything to take higher priority than our love—husband for wife, and wife for husband."

Isn't that beautiful? Especially the part where he says that they never allowed anything to take higher priority than their love. 

-Alicia

This Mission

I'm at a loss of words with what to post these days.  I feel like we've all been through the war with foster care.  You know a soldier can prepare and train for battle, they can go through all the drills, but there is nothing like actually being on the front lines. It's a real eye-opener to say the least. Foster care and adoption are extremely romanticized: There is so much more underneath and behind every story.

I met a woman named Hannah in church whose mother-in-law was a foster mom for many years.  Last Sunday, Hannah asked me how things were going.  I told her, "we're just taking it one day at a time.  That's really all we can do." She listened sincerely.  Hannah was so thoughtful and quickly sought for some advice from her mother-in-law.  Later that afternoon, I received a very long email as a response.  I really needed the support.

I know that things could be so much more difficult than they are.  I just read a post by another foster mom seeking advice. She explained that her foster son has these outbursts where he starts throwing the heaviest thing in the room and punches her other kids in her family until they bleed. "until they bleed?" Sheesh! Reading that made me very grateful we haven't had any situations that extreme.

Every time we come close to throwing in the towel, both Joseph and I get some kind of impression or some sort of heavenly nod that encourages us to keep going.  Last weekend, I went to Time Out for Women.  Nathan Pacheco sang the main theme from The Mission (a song that has played a huge role in my life's mission). Later,  Micheal Wilcox and Hillary Weeks both gave analogies to trials as climbing a mountain (another parallel in my own life). The part that I least expected was when  Emily Freeman spoke briefly about her experience as a foster mom while raising her four biological children. So much of the event felt like a direct message to me... to us, in all we are facing.

This mission wasn't given to us because we were worthy for it.  Heaven knows there are a billion other parents who would do a far better job than we are doing!  This mission was given to us because we asked for it, we were willing to do it.  If we hadn't relied on God before, we're certainly relying on Him now because we definitely can't do this on our own.

 "Thou therefore endure hardness, as a good soldier of Jesus Christ." - 2 Timothy 2:3

"And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up." - D&C 84:88

-Alicia

Building a Palace

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”

― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

So long 2016!

Wow, what a year! 

1. The City Center Temple dedication and cultural celebration. 

2. Alexa's High School Graduation. 

3. Stake boundary changes and the formation of our new Stake. 

4. Kaylee's Baptism.

5. Saying farewell to the ward family we love so much.

6. Saying farewell to my dear sweet friend, Lou (1929-2016).

7. Alexa's Baptism.

8. Moving into a new place, a new home, a new ward.

9. Changes to our family boundaries and becoming foster parents.

When this year started off, I had no idea how completely different our lives would look at the end.   It has been beautiful, painful, eye-opening, heartbreaking, exhausting, and glorious!

I take comfort in knowing that God is with me, fighting my battles. Who knows what this next year will bring? So long, farewell, 2016.

-Alicia

Carrying me through...

I haven't really known what to write lately.  There is so much on my mind in this new life of mine that I can hardly find the words to sort through it all: parenting the foster kids and my own children, upcoming parent and court visits, my upcoming semester at BYU, homeschooling, the holidays, and everything in-between.  I try to keep a pulse on each family member and pray they are all coping well and doing okay.

I feel very stretched and I find very little time to myself. This is so hard, so incredibly hard, but I don't feel discouraged or overwhelmed (when normally in circumstances like these, I easily could be). I know that God has been carrying me through and I can feel His grace attend me. It's a blessing, a very real blessing.

-Alicia

Why Are We Here?

Racing home from school on my bike, I cut through the 7-11 parking lot to shave off a few seconds.  Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a quick glimpse of a woman waiting at the intersection to cross the street to our side of the road.  I didn't think anything of it and continued full speed into my driveway.  Seconds after I entered our house and removed my shoes, the same woman I just saw was knocking at our door.
She was a younger woman, I'd guess in her early 20's.  The expression on her face was one of urgency and great anxiety as she apologized,
"I'm so sorry for bothering you but I felt like I needed to stop by and talk to you now!"
At first, I thought she was going to tell me that some creepy person was chasing her.  I really didn't know what to expect.
She continued almost without taking a breath, "Can I come in and speak to you and your husband?"
"Sure", I said as I guided her into our front room and gestured for Joseph to join me.
"Thank you again.  Please don't think I'm strange," she begged.
"I've heard about your family moving in and was told you are licenced foster parents. Is that true?"
"Yes." We both said almost in unison, instantly feeling better that we knew the subject matter of her visit.
She continued, "I know this is hard to believe but... we ended up being left with these kids and I don't really know what to do. I don't know when their parents will be out of jail either but we need to find a place for the children."
She took a deep breath to collect herself, trying to hide the embarrassment on her face.  I told her not to worry and touched her shoulder encouragingly.
Wringing her hands nervously, she spoke through her tears, "It's been such a hard few months.  Don't get me wrong, they are really good kids, it's just that this happened all so suddenly and we're not officially licenced to do foster care, we're not in a good financial state, and I work full time.  Their biological mother has been begging us to keep her children in this ward, she really feels that it's the best place for them but we can't stay in our apartment for long. We'll need to move out eventually and I don't know what to do at this point.  Can you help us? Do you think you are able to take the children?"

My heart went out to her, I assured her that she was in a safe place and that we would do all we could to help.  Legally, we have to go through the right channels.  Any foster children that come into our home must be placed by the official people and must go through our Resource Family Consultant. 

The un-licenced foster mom who anxiously sought our help was very understanding about the process as I explained it.  I took the name of the children and sent them to our family consultant.  In the mean time, I spent the next day making our home completely foster ready: installing child gates for top and bottom of the stairs, smoke detectors in the right places, locks for the attic, and locks for the cleaning chemicals and medicine cabinets.  We're officially ready now for placement.

I think it's interesting that this young married woman was given these children right around the same time we found out we had to move from our apartment.  And it's interesting that the biological mom has been so specific about keeping her kids in this ward. (Such a request from a bio-mom is extremely rare!!) Yet, here we had miraculous events that led us to this home in this ward and... we have room for exactly two kids--one boy and one girl.

I don't really know what will happen at this point but it seems all too coincidental to be a coincident.  I can't help but ask if this is why we are here.  The children's social worker is going to call me on Monday. One thing I do know is that the Lord is deeply aware of all of our needs, especially the needs of the little children in this world.

-Alicia

Tender Mercies

There has been plenty of things to attend to as we've adjusted to this move.  Our schedules have been full of errands and projects.  We've lived in an apartment for so long that we've had to start from scratch with lots of the typical things, like yard supplies and maintenance tools.  Home Depot is destined to become our new hang-out place.

Yesterday, there was so much to be done.  I wasn't quite sure how I'd find time to write my paper for my rhetoric class but I was blessed to have it come together much more rapidly than I expected. I have a very strict no-homework policy on Sundays, so anything due on Monday is something I need to get  done by Saturday night at the latest.  I ended up completing everything for school Friday afternoon which left me plenty of time to just bear down and work on several of our most urgent needs.

We pounded through all our work and were able to enjoy some fun time watching BYU football's homecoming game Friday night and the homecoming parade this morning.

When we arrived back at the house, Joseph and I spent several more hours getting our place in order.  Joseph's sister donated her old broken lawn mower to add to our sparse yard tool collection. We gratefully accepted it with the hopes that we could figure out how to get it up and running again. With all the other repairs we've had to pay for, we didn't want to take the mower to a shop.  After all, how hard can it be to fix a tiny little engine like that?  I cleaned out all the cobwebs and crusted grass that had hardened to the body of the machine.  I changed the oil, the air filter, the spark plug, and cleaned out the carburetor.  It was my first lawn mower repair ever and I did it!! It starts and runs perfectly every time!  I felt very proud and very blessed.  I know it was a complete tender mercy that I was able to do that.

I was also able to locate what was leaking in our van and patch up the hose.  (I'm so grateful that when I was growing up, my brothers taught me not to be afraid of a few simple mechanical jobs.)

These are just a some of many blessings these past few days.  And I don't believe they have been coincidences.  I know that God grants us with wisdom and ideas, ability and strength, often in very unexpected areas but always at just the right moment.

-Alicia

"The Lord’s tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ. Truly, the Lord suits “his mercies according to the conditions of the children of men (D&C 46:15).

I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord are real and that they do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence. Often, the Lord’s timing of His tender mercies helps us to both discern and acknowledge them." - Elder David A. Bednar

And... the view from HERE still makes me smile.

We got the keys to our garage last week and the keys to our house yesterday. We have been moving everything over slowly and will be in our home completely in just a few more days.  I took the kids over this evening to put a couple of things in order while the boys were at Priesthood Session.  I'm very happy to say that I still have a good view of Timp, the Y, and the Angel Moroni.  

I also noticed something else in this lovely little home of ours I hadn't noticed before... 

....a beautiful message on the bathroom mirror that trails off into forever,
"Believe in miracles everyday."  

Perfect, absolutely perfect! 

Yeah, I believe.

-Alicia :)

I Believe by, Catherine Papworth

Beautiful
Wonderful
With kindness and compassion on his face.
Merciful
And personal
Giver of the most amazing Grace.

He saved my life;
Opened up my eyes.
He gave everything to rescue me.
Knowing where I've been,
Let me start again.
Healed my broken heart and set me free.
I believe.

Creator
No one greater.
Maker of the heavens and the Earth.
Holy
King of Glory
Words cannot describe his endless worth.

He saved my life;
Opened up my eyes.
He gave everything to rescue me.
Knowing where I've been,
Let me start again.
Healed my broken heart and set me free.
I Believe.

Comfort
Keeper
Gracious
Redeemer
My Defender
Forever
And Ever

He saved my life
Opened up my eyes.
He gave everything to rescue me.
Knowing where I've been,
Let me start again.
Healed my broken heart and set me free.
Healed my broken heart and set me free.
I Believe.
I Believe.

Who... me?!

I've been acquainted with this woman in the home-school community for the past six years.  A mutual home-school friend contacted me earlier this spring and told me I should try this woman's Academy called Zion's Youth.  I looked into it then but decided to stay with what we already have set up for our children's education.

This woman who is the administrator of Zion's Youth has begun a new school, a private school under a different name. She's been trying to grow her number of students so she contacted me last week asking if I'd be willing to take a tour. I went there assuming she'd show me options of a single class my kids could attend once a week. I didn't realize fully what the visit was all about.

Half-way through the tour we stopped near some large wooden office desks on the upper floor.  She pointed to the empty desks and said, "These were just donated to us. We're looking for a Vice Principal.  Alicia, I think you would be a good fit. Do you think that's something that might interest you? We would allow your children free tuition in exchange." 

My jaw dropped to the floor, I couldn't speak.  I just stared back at her dumbly like a stunned deer in headlights.   She began explaining the various responsibilities and I felt even more dumb.  I was lost after her third sentence.

I tried to show gratitude. I wanted to accept but I needed more time to really consider. I couldn't help feel that if the woman knew me more than an acquaintance, she never would have offered a position like that to me,  "Wow, me...a Vice Principal?.... Did someone suggest me?....  Who told you I could do work like that?"

"No one... I've just heard you share comments at American Mothers before."

I was surprised. "You remember me from that?? Those meetings I attended were over a year ago and I only went to a few."

"Yes." She smiled. "I don't remember exactly what you said but it struck me. Anyway, this position came up and your name came to my mind."

It sounded like such an irresistible offer but I couldn't accept right away.  I finished the tour and brought my husband back the next day to allow him a tour as well.

I attended a faculty meeting this morning.  To tell the truth, I felt terribly out of place. Everything there feels so completely opposite of my personality: the tight and regimented schedule,  the formal dress code for the kids and for me, the knowledge and organizational skills required, etc. etc.  I keep shaking my head, "You've got the wrong person!!"

I'm going to continue to be prayerful about things.  She's allowing me a one-week trial-run to help me decide.  The trial-run will begin after we've moved into our new home.

I've got a lot on my mind, a lot I'm trying to sort through.  I keep asking myself, "Is this something the Lord wants me to do??... or did it just happen by chance??"  If it's just by chance, I probably won't go with it.

-Alicia  

All Planned Out - Ponderize - Week 49

I'm delighted to share what I found in my scriptures this morning and what I'll be pondering on for the week!  Now, the verse I'm sharing is from a very modern translation of the Bible and I know that as members of the church we usually stick to the KJV but I really, really like how this verse comes to life with The Message version:

"This is God’s Word on the subject... I’ll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.
When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I’ll listen.
When you come looking for me, you’ll find me.
Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed.
I’ll turn things around for you. I’ll bring you back from all the countries into which I drove you—God’s Decree—bring you home to the place from which I sent you off into exile. You can count on it."

- Jeremiah 29:11-14

I also really like how it sounds in the first couple verses of the NIV version:

 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found by you,” declares the Lord,” 

- Jeremiah 29:11-13

I found a little song that seems fitting for the verse too.  I find peace when I remember that God has everything under control.  It will all work out! :)

-Alicia

"I Am In Your Midst" - Ponderize - Week 48

Like the rushing of a furious wind, rapid changes have been happening all around these past couple of months and I feel as if I'm being swept in a current beyond my control.  When I try to stop, it seems the wrenching force increases and I surrender again, facing the fact that I am bound to a destination I cannot see.

Fall Semester starts for me today.  I contemplated dropping my class because of all the dramatic changes we are going through at this time but I couldn't do it.  I feel very strongly that I need to take at least one class every fall and winter and that by the grace of God I'll make it through no matter the difficulty of my schedule or circumstances.

Here I am again at the crossroads... A distinct and noticeable ache presses on my heart.  All of my belongings are packed and I'm heading out into an unknown future.  In just a few short weeks I'll be living in a new home and a new ward.  Leaving the watchcare of our current bishop is undeniably difficult.  I'm forever grateful for his faith, his prayers, his testimony, his priesthood blessings, his leadership, and for the activities and events he has inspired in this area.  What a vision has taken place!  Our experiences here have been absolutely magical.  They've created a sublime level of unity I've never realized possible in a ward family.  Words cannot adequately express my gratitude for our bishop. One can't leave a place like this without a void being made, a recognizable hole.  The scar tissue will serve as a reminder of how much I miss what was once there.

Something is happening within this  newly-formed Freedom Stake, something miraculous.  There are many who feel it.  We are witnessing Zion being built, a very real and literal Zion.  It may be hard to believe but if one could experience a fraction of what I've tried to describe, they would know without a doubt for themselves that the hand of God is on this people.  As this heavenly gathering takes place, there will also be great dissensions.  I pray our roots will be strong and deep in fertile soil.

These changes taking place are Divinely appointed, of that I'm sure.  We cannot see the future, we are not meant to see it... for our faith must be strengthened, our faith must be fortified, and our faith must be exercised if we are to have it become unshaken. Time will move swiftly and it is essential that our priorities stay in order: Faith and family first.

I am confident that once we move into our new home, we will receive the permanent placements of foster children.  Excitement and fear both prod my mind as I contemplate this prospect.
Excitement: To care for these children who desperately need a family, these refugees who need someone to love them unconditionally and to know that they belong somewhere.
And Fear: For all the dynamics involved in becoming the mother of someone else's children seemingly overnight, to be committed to loving them and caring for them as if they are my own. While at the same time, I must remain ever mindful of my own children and monitor carefully the anxieties and stresses they will inevitably be under living with new siblings complete with habits and mannerisms absolutely foreign to them.

I searched through my scriptures this morning, seeking to find one that I could ponder for the week -from the Psalms of David, to the Acts of the Apostles, to verses in the Book of Mormon, and so on.
I finally settled with this one in Doctrine and Covenants:

"Behold, verily, verily, I say unto you that mine eyes are upon you. I am in your midst and ye cannot see me;  But the day soon cometh that ye shall see me, and know that I am; for the veil of darkness shall soon be rent, and he that is not purified shall not abide the day. Wherefore, gird up your loins and be prepared. Behold, the kingdom is yours, and the enemy shall not overcome." 

- D&C 38:7-9

I don't know what the future holds, but I know Who holds the future.  He is in our midst and I trust this.

-Alicia

A Little Piece of Heaven

Last week, early Friday morning, we discovered a cute little house in excellent condition within our price-range.  It seemed to have everything we were looking for... only I wasn't extremely fond of the location.  Nevertheless, we immediately scheduled with our realtor to take a look at it.   Throughout the day, we told our friends about it too. It seemed so promising.  After numerous attempts, our realtor informed us late that evening that she just couldn't get the selling agent to respond.  It seemed that within less than 12 hours of our inquiry about it, the listing was taken down because another buyer made an offer and it went under contract.  We were both disappointed, everything else about the place would have been great.

That night, as I laid in bed reflecting on the events of the day, I remembered that morning when I was up on campus waiting for my friend, Jennifer, to give her forth-day lecture for Education Week.  I made it to class a few minutes early. The hum of friendly chatter filled the room as people found their seats and greeted one another.  I met a sweet woman in her late 70's and we talked as we waited for the lecture to begin.  Jennifer came around the back of the room and turned up the isle I was sitting on.  She patted me on the shoulder as she passed and asked how our house hunting was going.
With a sigh, I replied, "We backed out of the house in the 11th ward.  There were way too many issues with it."
"Oh no.  I'm so sorry to hear that." she said sincerely. In the same breath she asked, "Have you re-considered my friend Sherry's house in the 6th ward? She hasn't had any bites on her place at all."  Jennifer looked at the clock.  Class was starting soon. "Think about it," she said as she waved and hurried to the front of the room. Sherry works with Jennifer in the Stake Young Women's Presidency.  Sherry received notice that her family had to move out of their home the exact same day we discovered we had to leave ours..., only her situation was that her husband was being offered a job in Idaho.

Flashback One Month Ago:
Jennifer called me after one of her presidency meetings to tell us about her friend's house and encouraged us to arrange a time to walk through it.  We set up an appointment the next day.  Sherry's place was one of the very first homes we looked at.  It's was a charming little house built in 1895 with a front porch like I've always wanted, a rod-iron fence, a large fireplace,  an attic for the children to play in, and a swing hanging from a gorgeous tree in the front yard.  But the cost was a little higher than our target price.  Plus, it only had three rooms and one was just barely large enough to fit two children. State law requires that the foster kids must have  at least  40 sq ft of bedroom space for each child. 

I really hadn't considered that house again until Jennifer reminded me about it over a month later that morning in her Education Week class.  "Have you re-considered my friend Sherry's house?...Think about it,"
Well, I did think about it... in fact, it was all I could think about during Jennifer's lecture.
I imagined to myself how I could make that 3-bedroom place work and how we could afford to pay slightly more per month.

The foster kids have bedroom-living-space regulations but I can let my biological kids have a room anywhere we want.  Maybe it could work?  That's when I recalled that there was sort-of a forth room there even though they couldn't include it as such in the listing.  It was a small little space right off the entry way  that was not much larger than a good-sized walk-in closet.  It could fit a twin mattress and still have a couple square feet left over.  Chandler would take that room without any objection... he has always expressed how badly he wants a room of his own.  Well, he could have it here..  It would be tight but I really don't think he'd mind so much as long as it made him feel more independent.

I discussed with Joseph my ideas of how we could make the 1895 house work.  He agreed and definitely felt more comfortable with the move-in conditions of the place compared to other homes we had looked at.  We still couldn't believe that no one had made an offer on it yet.

We put our bid in Saturday morning and then right on our heels came another bid Monday.  But the owner had not only heard my name from her friend, Jennifer... It turns out that the Stake Primary President, whom I'll be serving with, had a conversation with the seller about me Sunday.  I don't know what the other bid was but the seller ended up accepting ours Monday night.  We offered just barely below asking price and we're so glad we moved on this place when we did.

There are lots of things I really love about this new home of ours but my favorite is that it's still very close to the place I love so much and to our beautiful  City Center Temple.  Even within its walls there are reminders of that Temple, complete with stain-glass windows and the same circle and square or "heaven and earth" motif in the door frames.  :)

I think I'm gonna like it here.
-Alicia

Searching

Well, we've cancelled the contract for the home we were considering.  My husband has been terribly uneasy about it and I feel like I've been grasping at straws trying to somehow make it work in my own mind.  The seller is refusing to pay for the cost to rewire the house.  It's riddled with exposed live wires and other fire hazards.  I wish that this were the only issue with the home.  There are other concerns not as major but still pretty big deals and the sellers just won't go down anymore in price to make the purchase worth the headaches.

I'm sad.
My kids and I all had our hopes up that we could stay in this area.  I guess there's still a possibility we could find something else or the seller could change their mind.

For now, it's back to searching.  I'm feeling worn from it all and can hardly bring myself to keep looking.  None of us ever wanted to move... especially me.

I listened to my friend, Jennifer, give a presentation at BYU today for Education Week.  She actually spoke about re-wiring... not for a house of course, but a way to re-wire our minds and hearts through the process of daily rituals, through diligent scripture study and sincere heart-felt prayer.  She testified of how good the Lord is, that He hears every petition.  She quoted Joseph Smith in saying, "Come to God weary him until He blesses you."  I reflected on my personal scripture study this morning "Ask, and ye shall receive; knock and it shall be opened unto you"(3 Nephi 27:29) and where the Savior inquires of His servants, "What is it that ye desire of me?" (3 Nephi 28:1)

The Lord knows what I desire!
If I have not wearied Him, I've certainly wearied myself in pleading to stay close by this beautiful place.  Like a tree that thrives and blossoms near a stream, somehow my spirit needs this closeness for my soul.

Maybe it's me who needs the re-wiring?
-Alicia

House On Fire, Leave It All Behind You

Tomorrow would have been the day we were supposed to be out of our apartment.  I'm so grateful that things worked for us to do month-to-month rent so we don't have that pressure anymore.

We had an offer accepted on a house just a couple blocks away from where we live now.  The home was built in 1920 and for the last couple of decades, maybe more, it's been used as a rental.  Needless to say, it hasn't been kept up much at all.  It's because of its condition though that we were able to get the price down $30K less than what is comparable.

We received the inspection report yesterday and it turns out, the house is one big huge fire disaster waiting to happen.  The inspector was very surprised that it hadn't burnt down yet.  This news has been disheartening for me because there's a slight chance we won't be able to get this home.

I know it is in bad shape but its extremely difficult to find something of its size in this neighborhood for under $200K and we are under contract for $194K.  It's a five-bedroom, almost six actually, because the front porch was converted into a small room.  We easily pre-approved for our loan because our credit score is in the 800's but the only trouble is we can't over-borrow to do repairs. The loan will work for the mortgage alone and nothing more.

We know that according to our income, we already qualify for the weatherization program... something we intend to take advantage of to fix all the broken windows and drafty doors.  Tomorrow, I will spend the day trying to get an estimate of how much the repairs will cost and making phone calls to the City seeing if they have any other home-improvement programs like the weatherization for new buyers.  I have a friend who moved into old home here and the City took care of all their electrical and plumbing updating as part of an incentive to draw in long-time residents who would improve the quality of the area.  Both my husband and I have been fasting today that we could be this fortunate.

I just got a new church calling assuming that I will still be in this neighborhood.  I hope it's a foreshadowing that everything will work out here.  I pray it does.

In two weeks, I start at BYU again for Fall Semester.  It will be my first writing class since the community college 20 years ago.  I'm very excited and a little nervous.  I don't know exactly how much our house situation will complicate my studies.  I'll just keep moving forward and hope for the best.

In my scriptures this morning, I must have read and re-read the verses from the Sermon on the Mount twenty times over.  I'm asking to stay in this area.  I'm asking to have a home in our price-range.  I'm asking for it to be large enough to fit a few more children.  Dear Father, I want to stay!

"Ask, and it shall be given unto you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.
For every one that asketh, receiveth; and he that seeketh, findeth; and to him that knocketh, it shall be opened.
Or what man is there of you, who, if his son ask bread, will give him a stone?
Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?
If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father who is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?" - Matt 7: 7-11

Step Outside
Praying for miracles!
-Alicia

A Day in the Life

I spent most of yesterday just boxing and organizing the kids rooms.  It has felt really good to finally go through things and sort out what we can get rid of.  I've secretly wanted to have a good strong purge of all our stuff before our foster kids were placed with us and this forced-move has been a wish granted in that way.

We looked at a house last night that we made an offer on.  It's not "far away in the west".  It's actually east... about nine blocks east and five blocks south.  But when you're a Mormon living in Utah that means a completely new Ward and Stake.  I actually think it could be in the Ward my dear friend, Lou Crandall, attends.  He said he has been so worried about me since he heard the news and has been praying for me every day, praying that we can stay close.   It's his 87th birthday today.  I wish he were doing well.  His health has been fading this past week and he is very sick.  He's been in and out of the hospital.  I called to send him birthday wishes.  He could barely talk...   I certainly hope he pulls through.

Today has been good so far.  My younger brother called and we talked for a while.  I love it when Kenneth calls.  He's such a good guy.  He and his wife will be having their second child soon, Lily will finally have a little brother.  Kenneth told me all about the housing market in Texas and tried to convince me to move down there.  It would be so nice to be close to him. Chances are that will never happen though... but I'm so glad he and I can spend hours talking on the phone catching up with each other.

My best friend, Suzanne, took me out to lunch this afternoon.  She said when she found out that we were having to move it seemed as if her heart dropped like a lead ball into her stomach.  I said I felt the same way.  We talked for some time about what a great area this is.  The people here are our family, we have made strong bonds and deep attachments with them! Of course talking about how much we both love this place caused the tears to well up in my eyes again and I had to use all my Zupa napkins like Kleenexes.  Maybe the people around me didn't notice or maybe they just thought, "Dang! That must be some spicy peanut sauce!"

Joseph and Micah made me a balloon chandelier today that is quite hilarious to look at. Even when they were making it, I could hear them giggling about how it was turning out. I can't decide which I enjoyed more, eavesdropping on their surprise or the actual surprise.  It adds a nice circus atmosphere to the maze of boxes in our chaotic fun house.

My friend, Vanessa, sent me a text today.  I called her back and caught her during her lunch break. It's been about a year since we talked over the phone.   I discovered that everything she holds dear in her life is completely falling apart. She cried and cried and my heart broke for her.  She apologized for speaking so much about herself.  I reassured her that she needed to.  She needed to confide in someone and I was glad to be a sounding board.  It made me appreciate how easy my life is.  At that moment, I wished I could move to Leeds, Utah just to wrap my arms around her.  We decided that as soon as I am able, I'm going to take her for a nice beach vacation in Monterrey .

Tonight, Joseph and I rode the motorcycle and went out to eat, just the two of us.  Does anyone else get bugged by restaurants that have 20 T.V. screens going at once?  What does that say about our society's screen addiction?  I feel like people don't know how to talk face-to-face anymore.  Still, we were able to tune out the media madness for the most part and have some great conversation.

Speaking of media though... there is a time and a place for it.  I must admit that we both really love a good show.  When we returned home from our dinner date, Joseph asked if I had any movie requests.  "Well, I can think of one that never grows old to me. Plus, it's perfect as we get ready for the next adventure of our lives and step out into the unknown."
He agreed.

Watching Mitty, for me, was the perfect ending for the day. I'm forever grateful for the lives that have touched mine.  Especially those whose influence inspires me so much more than they know.

"To see the world, things dangerous to come, 

to see behind walls, draw closer, 

to find each other, and to feel. 

That is the purpose of life.” 

-Alicia ;)

"Which God for us prepared..." Ponderize - Week 43

We sang "Come Come, Ye Saints" yesterday for our closing hymn in Sacrament meeting.  I couldn't hold back the tears as I sung the words, especially this part.  It felt so personal to our family situation.

We'll find the place which God for us prepared,

Far away in the West,

Where none shall come to hurt or make afraid;

There [your children] will be blessed.

This verse really struck Joseph too and we talked about it later.  We have both felt that the Lord is preparing a very specific place for our family, a place where our children and our foster children can thrive and feel free to be who they are.... And a place that will open our options to what children we are able to take in.  Currently in this apartment, we could only take in one boy and or one girl.  But if we found a home with four large enough rooms, it would open the options for us to take in two boys, or maybe two girls, or one of each.  It even opens the option of a possible third foster kid. We're expanding our search to Springville and Orem.

Could the place which He has prepared for us also be "far away in the west"? Today, I found a lovely little four bedroom home on the far west side of Provo that seems to have everything we are looking for.  It's not in the "beautiful place" I love so much... Oh, how I wish it was.  But just the same, the early saints had to leave their Nauvoo which means "Beautiful Place." 

Wherever we end up, I know it will be exactly where we need to be. Yet, I will never forget all I have come to love so much here. This place will always feel like home to me.  It's forever in my mind and memory, never to be forgotten - It is far too important.

I will come back to my little skating place too on occasion, maybe some late evening when I need a moment to myself to unwind.  And just like I've done since I was a kid, I'll have my wheels, my skates, my board, and my headphones; everything I need to bring back my mojo.

We really don't know where we are going yet but we know Who is taking us there.  I've got a feeling that the biggest part of the adventure is yet to be!

"And if I [the Lord] go and prepare a place for you,

 I will come again, and receive you unto myself; 

that where I am, there ye may be also.

And whither I go ye know, and the way ye know."

- John 14:3

  -Alicia

Far Away and Anywhere