Throw-back Thursday - Word Choice

I wrote this poem about controlling our words nine years ago... before I had a teenage son who likes to test me to the very max and has a tongue that can talk anyone into circles.  How he does it? I do not know.  Sometimes, I get discouraged because I honestly have no clue how to change certain frustrating behaviors in any of my children.  As a parent, it's hard not to feel the blame when they are terribly mean to each other or behave inappropriately--for there must have been some teaching moment I missed, some consequence I never followed through with to cause them to think such behavior is okay.

For me, the tongue is the hardest thing to control, especially as a mother.  I'm guilty of saying things I swore I'd never say to my kids like, "What's the matter with you?" "This is lazy work." "Stop being such a jerk to her." "If you go out like that, you'll look like a slob."  (Before I embarrass myself much more, you get the idea.)  It's just not the kind of language I'm proud of.  It's hurtful and it never helps the situation. Being a mom is extremely humbling because I'm pretty good at talking the talk but there are just some areas I really need to walk the walk.

Even though I'm not perfect at this, I still believe the words in my old poem are absolutely true. Pray for charity and then...  Practice. Practice. Practice.... and practice some more.

Compared to the ship itself,

The helm is rather small;

But it’s the helm that turns the ship

And guides it though it all:

So this is with our tongue,

This tiny little member-

Can blaze destruction like a fire

From the smallest of an ember.

If one gives a blessing,

And then they turn to curse another:

Sings praises to our God above

But loathes and hates his brother…

Which master do they follow?

What are the seeds then sown?

Discern the works of righteousness,

By their fruits they shall be known.

If something does not edify

And encourage greater love,

How can it truly be of God-

Or claim wisdom from above?

If I preach great words of knowledge

And have the gift of prophecy

My words become as sounding brass

If I am void of charity.

Let us then control our tongues

Of speaking ill of others,

And rid our hearts of prejudice

Or fighting with our brothers.

Let us follow Jesus Christ.

Let us pray for charity-

Pray for strength over the flesh

And walk more peaceably.

Through His grace may we strive

To focus on the good

And never tear another down

Let us do as Jesus would.

-Alicia Rawlins 2007

(Luke 5:44. John 13:34, 35. 1 Corinthians 2:9-14. 1 Corinthians 13:1-4. Galatians 5:16-26. Ephesians 4:29. James 3:3-17.)

Outside Ourselves

In the first part of the Book of Mormon we meet Nephi and his family.  We witness them go through some pretty dramatic changes under some rather intense circumstances.  Tensions are high, moral is low, and at one time or another someone in the family is found complaining or murmuring.

Now, when I imagine myself in the kinds of situations Nephi had to struggle through, I can see how easily it would have been to rattle off in frustration or shake my fist at heaven.  Thankfully, my life has no where near the complications he faced and by comparison, things for me are quite cushy. Even still, I sometimes lose sight of the good things around me and the blessings I have.

Because of what I've been reading in my personal scripture study, I've been thinking more about this human nature default we have to complain or become self-centered. It's also on my mind because in my writing class I'm in the middle of a rhetorical analysis on a commencement speech that focuses on this same topic.

I remember hearing something about this speech last year in my Anthropology class and was fascinated with it then.

The speaker, David Wallace, describes a type of freedom that comes from choosing to be aware of our surroundings, to step outside of our "tiny skull-sized kingdom" and assume the best in others, and realize that everything doesn't revolve around us. He refers to the old cliche', "The mind is a wonderful servant but a terrible master".

The monologues we choose to entertain inside our head each day will either corner us with thick prison walls of isolation, bitterness, and depression or free our souls from the dark cells of self into a beautiful world of conciseness: a deliberate awareness of others. As we choose to entertain thoughts that inspire compassion, understanding, and love we can make almost every situation bearable and even sacred.

I'd recommend listening to the full 20min speech here. But if you want a short summarized version, there's also this.  I think it's brilliant!!

What will we choose today?
-Alicia

To Rhetor Or Not To Rhetor...

A Rhetor is the voice or the orator, either with written or spoken word.  As I learn the qualities and characteristics of a good rhetor, it's incredibly easy for me to feel completely inadequate, especially because of my lack of vocabulary, poor grammar, and my  sub-par knowledge about life in general.  But thankfully, in the gospel setting, the Lord's criteria doesn't require that I have a quick wit or a brilliant mind.  What He wants is a willing mind and someone quick to obey.   It's comforting to me that He has used ordinary and un-learned people all through time.  So, I know He can use me.

This morning in my scripture study I centered my focus on these scriptures.  They make a good follow-up to my day yesterday.  I'm so thankful for truth!
-Alicia

"And Moses said unto the Lord, O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither heretofore, nor since thou hast spoken unto thy servant: but I am slow of speech, and of a slow tongue.
And the Lord said unto him, Who hath made man’s mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the Lord?
Now therefore go, and I will be with thy mouth, and teach thee what thou shalt say." 
- Exodus 4:10-12

"Then said I, Ah, Lord God! behold, I cannot speak: for I am a child.
But the Lord said unto me, Say not, I am a child: for thou shalt go to all that I shall send thee, and whatsoever I command thee thou shalt speak." 
-Jeremiah 1:6,7

The Lord God hath given me the tongue of the learned, that I should know how to speak a word in season to him that is weary: he wakeneth morning by morning, he wakeneth mine ear to hear as the learned." 
-Isaiah 50:4

"But when they deliver you up, take no thought how or what ye shall speak: for it shall be given you in that same hour what ye shall speak.
For it is not ye that speak, but the Spirit of your Father which speaketh in you."
-Matt 10:19-20

"And they were not able to resist the wisdom and the spirit by which he spake." 
-Acts 6:10

"Settle it therefore in your hearts, not to meditate before what ye shall answer:

For I will give you a mouth and wisdom, which all your adversaries shall not be able to gainsay nor resist."
-Luke 21: 14,15

Talk for the day - by, Marcus B. Nash

Out of Weakness He Shall Be Made Strong

No Matter Where We Go

Chandler hasn't said a lot about this move.  He spends most of his time with headphones on listening to his music.  I catch a glimpse of myself as I've observed over the years how he takes such a deep interest in finding the right song for every occasion.  I can't help but think it's a "love language" for him too.

Recently, he's been playing this one by Andy Grammer.  The lyrics sing, "No matter where we go, we'll always find our way back home."  It's caught on with all the kids and has become the most requested since Chandler discovered it two weeks ago.  That line from the song is stuck in our heads now and it's absolutely perfect for the occasion!

Chandler doesn't express it but he's aching with the thought of having to leave this neighborhood, I know he is.  We all are. But we find comfort in knowing that nothing needs to stop us from our  desire to stay.  We can find ways... and make ways to return.  We have family here, brothers and sisters we love so very much!!

Thank you, Chandler, for the music! It speaks right to my heart.

"We won't forget where we came from
The city won't change us
We beat to the same drum...
No matter where we go, we always find our way back home."

-Alicia

A Day in the Life

I spent most of yesterday just boxing and organizing the kids rooms.  It has felt really good to finally go through things and sort out what we can get rid of.  I've secretly wanted to have a good strong purge of all our stuff before our foster kids were placed with us and this forced-move has been a wish granted in that way.

We looked at a house last night that we made an offer on.  It's not "far away in the west".  It's actually east... about nine blocks east and five blocks south.  But when you're a Mormon living in Utah that means a completely new Ward and Stake.  I actually think it could be in the Ward my dear friend, Lou Crandall, attends.  He said he has been so worried about me since he heard the news and has been praying for me every day, praying that we can stay close.   It's his 87th birthday today.  I wish he were doing well.  His health has been fading this past week and he is very sick.  He's been in and out of the hospital.  I called to send him birthday wishes.  He could barely talk...   I certainly hope he pulls through.

Today has been good so far.  My younger brother called and we talked for a while.  I love it when Kenneth calls.  He's such a good guy.  He and his wife will be having their second child soon, Lily will finally have a little brother.  Kenneth told me all about the housing market in Texas and tried to convince me to move down there.  It would be so nice to be close to him. Chances are that will never happen though... but I'm so glad he and I can spend hours talking on the phone catching up with each other.

My best friend, Suzanne, took me out to lunch this afternoon.  She said when she found out that we were having to move it seemed as if her heart dropped like a lead ball into her stomach.  I said I felt the same way.  We talked for some time about what a great area this is.  The people here are our family, we have made strong bonds and deep attachments with them! Of course talking about how much we both love this place caused the tears to well up in my eyes again and I had to use all my Zupa napkins like Kleenexes.  Maybe the people around me didn't notice or maybe they just thought, "Dang! That must be some spicy peanut sauce!"

Joseph and Micah made me a balloon chandelier today that is quite hilarious to look at. Even when they were making it, I could hear them giggling about how it was turning out. I can't decide which I enjoyed more, eavesdropping on their surprise or the actual surprise.  It adds a nice circus atmosphere to the maze of boxes in our chaotic fun house.

My friend, Vanessa, sent me a text today.  I called her back and caught her during her lunch break. It's been about a year since we talked over the phone.   I discovered that everything she holds dear in her life is completely falling apart. She cried and cried and my heart broke for her.  She apologized for speaking so much about herself.  I reassured her that she needed to.  She needed to confide in someone and I was glad to be a sounding board.  It made me appreciate how easy my life is.  At that moment, I wished I could move to Leeds, Utah just to wrap my arms around her.  We decided that as soon as I am able, I'm going to take her for a nice beach vacation in Monterrey .

Tonight, Joseph and I rode the motorcycle and went out to eat, just the two of us.  Does anyone else get bugged by restaurants that have 20 T.V. screens going at once?  What does that say about our society's screen addiction?  I feel like people don't know how to talk face-to-face anymore.  Still, we were able to tune out the media madness for the most part and have some great conversation.

Speaking of media though... there is a time and a place for it.  I must admit that we both really love a good show.  When we returned home from our dinner date, Joseph asked if I had any movie requests.  "Well, I can think of one that never grows old to me. Plus, it's perfect as we get ready for the next adventure of our lives and step out into the unknown."
He agreed.

Watching Mitty, for me, was the perfect ending for the day. I'm forever grateful for the lives that have touched mine.  Especially those whose influence inspires me so much more than they know.

"To see the world, things dangerous to come, 

to see behind walls, draw closer, 

to find each other, and to feel. 

That is the purpose of life.” 

-Alicia ;)

The Best Listener - Ponderize - Week 40

I get after my kids for ignoring me when I've asked them to do something for the tenth time.  It just baffles me how often I have to repeat myself before I get any kind of response and I wonder where on earth they've learned such a frustrating habit!

A week ago in church, I met a friend in the hall and we began talking.  Shortly into the conversation I felt tugging on the entire right side of my body.  I didn't even look down to see what it was but just continued conversing.  Ever so slightly in the background I began to hear a voice that sounded like my youngest daughter.  "Mom! Mom!" She tugged some more.  She must have called me at least ten times before I even acknowledged her.  I looked down and responded with surprise, "Oh, hi Kaylee!"
Disappointingly she stated, "Mom, I've been standing here and talking to you but you wouldn't listen."
"Oh, hun, I'm so sorry.  I was talking to my friend and I honestly didn't hear you. What was it you've been trying to tell me?"
"I just wanted to say 'hi'."
"Hi sweetie!  That was so nice of you to say hello on your way to class.  Thank you!"
She hugged me and then ran off happy.

After she left, I wondered at how I have gotten so incredibly good at tuning out my children.  I think it starts when they are young and grows even more when they become teenagers.

I've spent a lot of time and practice learning to tune out fighting, whining, screaming, and the works (you know "the works").  I'm completely convinced this skill is a necessary virtue parents learn to develop in order to keep their sanity.  But in the process of learning to tune out the negative, I often find myself tuning out positive encounters too (as exemplified in my experience with Kaylee.)

This isn't just with my kids though, I've practiced it so much at home that sometimes I catch myself doing the same thing in conversations with adult friends.  It's like I zone out into auto pilot and my body is present but my consciousness has left the building.  The worst is when I finally come to myself and realize I've just been asked a question.  I feel exactly like Emmet from the Lego Movie when he responds to Wildstyle, "I think I got it.. but just in case, tell me the whole thing again, I wasn't listening."

Yeah... I'll be the first to admit that I'm really not the best listener.  I'm working on it though... slowly but surely.  I've decided that maybe the verse I ponderize this week can help me in the process.

 "Let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak...." - James 1:19

It's true I need a lot of improvement in this area.  I'm really not the best at it...  but here's the good news: I know Someone Who IS the Best Listener!! Jeremiah 29:12, Psalms 5:3, Psalms 116:1,2, Psalms 18:6

-Alicia

Healing From Trauma

We started our 34 hours of in-class training for foster care yesterday.  The instructor shared this video to illustrate how we all become hard-wired in different things.  She showed this to exemplify that what is easy to understand for ourselves is not necessarily easy for others to get.

Have you ever interacted with someone who has driven you absolutely crazy?  Did you walk away asking yourself questions like these?

Why do they communicate that way?
Why do they do it like that?
Why would they ever think that behavior is appropriate?
Why can't they understand?

To us, certain habits, social cues, religious practices, etc. may be as simple as "riding a bike"... but... to someone else who has experienced a different life growing up, especially one who has experienced something traumatic, it's a whole other ball game.

This video about the backwards bike was profound for me.  My mind was totally blown (you could see it on my face as I watched it for the first time).  It was a huge aha moment for me as the instructor related it to trying to understand our different worlds... especially the world of a trauma victim. Also, what it might be like for these children to understand my "simple solutions."

That's what all foster children have in common: Trauma.  She said trauma actually lives in their body even when it seems as if they are calm or conversing normal, their body has become accustomed to living at a heightened stress level and they could snap at any given moment.

She also showed this scene from "How to Train Your Dragon" (befriending a foe) to illustrate Dr. Bruce Perry's four P's for working with a child who has experienced trauma:

1. Be Present
2. Be Parallel
3. Be Predictable
4. Patient

This was my other aha moment.  I realized (knowing my own personality) that if I had been in Hiccup's situation with this dragon, I would have tried to be instant friends, jump right on the back of the beast, and fly happily away.
But it's not that simple.

It takes being present (let them know you're there but don't push your way in),
Being parallel (stepping into their world or trying to ride their "backwards bike"),
Being predictable (live consistently what you preach),
And be patient (let them come to you, on their own time, in their own way).

My husband and I are excited to learn these principles.  Doing foster care in order to adopt will be one of the best ways to teach us these four P's first hand.  We want to help the children placed with us to heal. to bring hope into their lives. We know it will be extremely difficult.  We will fall down.  We will get hurt.  We will have to make some serious adjustments and it may take us several months, maybe even years to feel like we've found our balance, but we can learn to ride a bike... even if it's backwards.

-Alicia

(Part 1 of 2 - Audio Book )
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

(Part 2 of 2 - Audio Book )
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

Guardian Angels - Ponderize - Week 14

"Isn't faith believing

All power can't be seen..."

The first Sunday of this year started off in a wonderful way.  I've been thinking about guardian angels in my life. They are as real on earth as they are in heaven, though it takes faith to believe it.

I imagine that the angels we can't see view us much like someone looking through a glass window from an upper room.  We don't have any real proof they see us but we still somehow sense their benevolent watch. They hear us and observe quietly, yet most often from our vantage point, we can neither hear nor observe them in return.

Sometimes, they feel much closer to me than behind the glass of a distant window and I wonder how this is possible.  It's more like how the energy of the sun touches me: I can feel its warmth even though it's 93 million miles away.  The rays penetrate deep inside me from the top of my head clear down to my feet.  Such a presence is so close that it's undeniable!  I feel the sun though I cannot touch it.  I am comforted and content knowing that this beautiful radiant light will always be there in my sky even when it has set beyond the horizon and my eyes are dimmed by the dark of night.  Then, I will look up into the ocean of stars and see that the sun has not passed away, it has not diminished or faded.  Rather, it has multiplied beyond number in glorious splendor.

"Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them." - 2 Kings 6:16

-Alicia

The Gift of Listening

Once, I heard it said that when others listen to us it stirs creativity in our minds and hearts and inspires us to soar to greater heights.  I know I heard this somewhere and I should have written it down because I've searched and searched for the exact quote but can't find it now.  But in the process of searching, I found some other quotes that follow along the same line.

How grateful I am for those who listen!  I don't think they realize how much it motivates me just knowing that my voice is heard. It gives my words a destination, a place to rest, to belong to, and be held... instead of floating aimlessly in space.

These three quotes express this sentiment more clearly than I could on my own:

"What we call poetry does not simply set the heart free spontaneously, emerging when one is overwhelmed.  A simple recitation of a song when one is deeply moved does not make one cheerful, and does not bring sufficient satisfaction to that person.  Therefore, one finds consolation by making others listen to his song.  When others listen and they are moved, then one's heart brightens up considerably.... When we enquire about the origins of poetry, we see that it is crucial for poetry to have someone listen to and be moved by it.  The original nature of poetry is to provide words with patterns and to make them last long with the voice... There is no better way for someone to cheer up than by knowing that others have listened to his poem and have been moved by it.  If the listener is not moved, one's heart will hardly be set free." -  Norinaga Motoori

“When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand. Ideas actually begin to grow within us and come to life...It makes people happy and free when they are listened to." ― Brenda Uelande

"Writers are listeners as well as observers – not just to their own souls and the heartbeat of the world, but to the souls of others as well.  Listen to the world, and it will listen back." - Susan Hodgetts

To those who read this: with all my heart, thank you for listening!!
Today, I will strive to be a better listener to everyone around me than I was yesterday.
-Alicia

Loss of Words In a Place I Can't See

 I can't describe the place I am in at this time.  I've had so many unexpected and strange experiences happen to me over the last couple of years . These experiences have stirred up a host of questions in my mind. The Lord has given me glimpses of things pertaining to my life. He has opened  the windows of Heaven in miraculous ways but I don't know what it all means or how it will all come together.

I feel like I'm in the dark. It's not the kind of dark that comes from wrong doing or the influence of the adversary.   No, it's not anything like that.  I know the Lord is with me but I just can't see a thing right now and it's hard to make sense of much when you can't see.

I went to a funeral today for a wonderful friend, Lloyd Baker. He was a good man who touched the lives of so many.  He had been quoted as saying, "When I go to heaven, I'm going to find the line that says, 'If you have questions, stand here.'"

I think I'll join my friend in that line.  I have so many to ask... not doctrinal questions but directional. Was the whole purpose of these particular things just to test me?  Was it all solely given for me to prove what I would do? It's a puzzle!

 I can't help but think the Lord won't reveal or answer them until my life is over.  I am sure then, I'll finally be able to see the bigger picture.

-Alicia

I Will Rest In You - Mindy Gledhill

Lord I´m in the dark

Seems to me the line

is dead when I come calling

No one there, the sky is falling

Lord I need to know

My mind is playing games again

You´re right where you have always been

Take me back to you

The place that I once knew

As a little child

Constantly the eyes of

God watched over me

Oh, I want to be

In the place that I once knew

As a little child

Fall into the bed of faith

prepared for me

I will rest in you

I wiil rest in you

I will rest in you

Tell me I´m a fool

Tell me that you love

me for the fool I am

And comfort me

like only you can

Tell me there´s a place

Where I can feel your breath

Like sweet caresses

on my face again

Take me back to you

the place that I once knew

As a little child

Constantly the eyes of

God watched over me

Oh, I want to be

In the place that I once knew

As a little child

Fall into the bed of faith

prepared for me

I will rest in you

I will rest in you

Í will rest in you

Discerning Hearts

What if the Lord had blessed you with the gift of discerning hearts,  the gift of recognizing when a brother or sister was in pain even if never openly expressed?  What if you could see they were suffering from hurt or sorrow not necessarily from their own doings but from uncontrollable circumstances around them... what would you do?  What if you were given eyes to see these things but you were bound and limited in what you could do to help them?  What would you say to encourage them, to make their burdens a little lighter?

I would offer my faith.  I'd say, "Put on as many conference talks as you can find and soak up the words of the Living Prophets.  Hang on!  Press on!  Hold on! Be true to the truths you know.  All will be well.  All will be well!  I know this because the Lord is at the helm.  Your prayers are heard, both the spoken and unspoken."

Elder Holland says it better:

"Cling to your faith. Hold on to your hope. 'Pray always, and be believing.'  Indeed, as Paul wrote of Abraham, he 'against [all] hope believed in hope' and 'staggered not … through unbelief.' He was 'strong in faith' and was 'fully persuaded that, what [God] had promised, he was able … to perform.'

Even if you cannot always see that silver lining on your clouds, God can, for He is the very source of the light you seek. He does love you, and He knows your fears. He hears your prayers. He is your Heavenly Father, and surely He matches with His own the tears His children shed."

 - Elder Jeffrey R. Holland - An High Priest of Good Things to Come

Champion Each Other

Not long ago, I overheard a woman just tear into her husband, ripping him with criticism up one side and down the other.  Her nagging and griping seemed endless as she picked and prodded at every possible flaw.  My heart sank as I noticed the look of dejection in her husband's face.  He seemed heavy with sorrow as he hung his head shamefully and spoke not a word in his defense.  I've seen this same scenario played out in the opposite direction as well where the husband jabs at his wife with stabbing insults or cutting and belittling remarks.  How sad! How terribly, terribly sad!  

Now, I won't pretend that my marriage is perfect but I must say that I feel so incredibly fortunate that the communication we have as husband and wife has never been at such a base and ugly level.  In my opinion, this form of talk is abusive.  

Several years ago, my husband and I wrote up a family mission statement together.  We recite it every Monday with our children.  Part of this statement says,

"We are a family of sincere listeners who champion each other.  We strive to build an environment in our home and in our hearts where the Spirit of God may dwell.  We choose to find the good in others and in ourselves, remembering always 'the worth of souls is great in the sight of God'" (D&C 18:10)

In addition to this, whenever I or he has an opportunity to pray in family prayer or in our companion prayers, we always make it a point to openly express gratitude for the other, thanking our Father in Heaven for all they do and asking that the Lord will bless them in all they are in need of.

I've been studying and reviewing General Conference this morning and the talk by Linda K. Burton caused me to reflect on the depressing scene I witnessed not long ago.  Not only should we avoid such corrosive and biting words but we should seek a higher ground. We must constantly to seek to say things and act on opportunities that build and lift our spouse. We must practice this until it becomes second nature. 

 In her talk "We'll Ascend Together" Sister Burton asks the following questions:

"Sisters and brothers, how often do we intentionally “speak kind words to each other”?

We might test ourselves by asking a few questions. With a little adaptation, these questions can apply to most of us, whether we are married or single, whatever our home situation might be.

1. When was the last time I sincerely praised my companion, either alone or in the presence of our children?

2. When was the last time I thanked, expressed love for, or earnestly pleaded in faith for him or her in prayer?

3. When was the last time I stopped myself from saying something I knew could be hurtful?

4. When was the last time I apologized and humbly asked for forgiveness—without adding the words “but if only you had” or “but if only you hadn’t”?

5. When was the last time I chose to be happy rather than demanding to be “right”?"

I give my witness that great and marvelous things result in our homes when we strive to build and lift each other, when we strive to focus on the good.  There is no such thing as a kind word wasted.  We will never regret being too forgiving, too loving, too appreciative, or too gentle but we will always regret the absence of such virtues.

-Alicia