Mother's Day Lows

It's so strange. I've never had a Mother's Day where I've felt like this, so depressed. My husband was going to make me breakfast but I don't feel well and I certainly don't have an appetite. He's fasting this morning because of the difficulties we have been facing with foster care - he's especially fasting for me to be strengthened.  He asked what he could do to make this Mother's Day more meaningful. I expressed sincere gratitude for his wonderful thoughtfulness and told him that I would actually like to join him in his fast. I pray with all my heart to be better. I know I can do better as a mom.

This is the first time in my life that I've really struggled with Mother's Day. I think it's because this is my first one as a foster mom.... and not just any foster mom - one who feels like giving up. After the experiences we've had with foster care, my eyes have been opened to exactly how difficult it can be to express love to a high trauma level child. Our foster daughter has a very thin threshold before she flies into full-scale panic. The trick is to try and catch her, to calm her, in that small little window before she ramps up. Unfortunately, that window usually only lasts a couple seconds before she's screaming at the top of her lungs and flailing her arms uncontrollably. 

It's daily, over small things. For example: Yesterday, she told me she wanted an apple. I sliced her an apple and handed it to her. As soon as I did that she changed her mind and said she didn't want it anymore. I told her to take at least one bite. "NO! I'm throwing it away!" she demanded.

"Honey, you don't need to throw it away. just set it on the counter." She set it on the counter.

I called out to the other kids, "Does anyone else want these apple slices?"

"I do, I do, I do!" Three of my kids came rushing in the kitchen for them.

As soon as my foster daughter saw this she screamed, "No! MY apple!" She tried to grab them back.

I interceded, "You wanted to throw it away, remember. I'm letting them have it now."

And the meltdown began. 

She proceeded to kick and scream uncontrollably for 30 minutes straight.

In the van a couple days ago, she wanted chips. "I want more chips!" she insisted. (I had two different kinds.) She had been eating the spicy ones.

"Okay, how do you ask nicely?"

"Please, can I have more chips?"

"Wonderful, Thank you for asking nicely." I said. "Here you go." I placed a handful of spicy chips in her cup holder.

"No!!!" She started screaming and shaking her finger rapidly at the front of the van, "Give me the other ones!!"

I looked at the bag by my driver's seat. "Those are sweet potato. You don't like those ones."

She insisted, "Yes! I want those! Give me those!"

"I can, but how do you ask nicely?" I prompted her again.

Her body was still tense as she wiggled impatiently and stammered out, "Please, can I have those ones?"

"Yes. Here you go." I placed a handful in her other cup holder and then made my way back to the driver's seat.

As soon as I turned the ignition, buckled myself in, and began to pull away, I heard, "I don't like these chips!" She began throwing the sweet potato ones on the floor. 

"Hey, don't throw those." I objected. "You just threw a huge tantrum saying you wanted them."
She changed her mind again, "No, these are yucky! I WANT the spicy ones!"

I sighed, "You have spicy ones in your other cup holder."

"I want MORE spicy ones!" she shouted. 

I was not about to pull over and get out of the driver's seat again so I said, "Well, you'll have to wait until we get home to have more. I'm sorry."

Hearing that, she began to go completely ballistic. She screamed bloody murder and kicked the seat in front of her violently the entire way home.

I've had hard moments with my own children but I've never had a child as difficult as this little girl. She throws violent tantrums all the time for things she wants, and when she gets it, she throws an equally violent tantrum stating she no longer wants it. This back-and-forth is a constant pattern with her. It's lose-lose all the time. What I've mentioned above are just a couple of examples of moments where she has gone into full-scale uncontrollable, almost epileptic, tantrums. And they happen several times a day, every single day. 

It has become too much to bear! We finally told the social worker that we need to have her moved from our home. My own kids are terribly fatigued from her behaviors too. The supervisor over DCFS had a phone conference with me and my husband a couple days ago. He told us that most foster children aren't this way and that we happened to be placed with an extreme case. 

I don't know if that was meant to comfort us.

Soon, she will be removed from our home, maybe in about a month. We said we wanted to continue to foster her brother. He's doing really well and he certainly doesn't want to leave. DCFS doesn't like to split siblings though. We hope he can stay. This breaks my heart. 

Making this decision to move her on has been so painful. I can't help but feel like somehow I've failed. 

-Alicia 

Not On My Watch

My friend gave our family her old Xbox last week, including several games.  I haven't known my friend for very long but she is an active member of the Church.  I was shocked at the kinds of games she gave us, the ratings were for mature and teen: images of women scantily dressed and provocatively posed, and terribly violent games. To my friend's credit, maybe she was getting rid of these games because she recognized the lack of wisdom in allowing such things into her home, how this kind of entertainment goes against the standards the Prophets have laid out.  I thanked her graciously for the Xbox.  (She doesn't know I threw all but one of the games away.) We kept Madden 16. :)

As a wife and mother who has witnessed loved ones in my family and extended family struggle with pornography, hatred or  blind rage, I cannot let my guard down with the things I allow into my home "because it's only a game".  I am the guardian of this hearth!

My foster son comes from a home where there were no rules with video games or movies, or any kind of entertainment.  In fact, almost his whole entire life has been spent being babysat in a corner by a TV screen or video game.  The effects have been very damaging to his social behavior, his life perceptions and views, his aggression/temper, and his eating habits. When he first came to live with us, he discovered we had very strict rules with our screen time.  He displayed quite a bit of frustration and resistance to our rules.  But after two months, he has shown incredible improvement! I was so proud of him the other day when he said he didn't really care so much about video games anymore and that he was happy with all the other ways we spent our time.

President Hinckley chose to read the Proclamation on the Family to the General Relief Society as his very first audience.  There is a reason he chose the women of the Church first, he said. “You are the guardians of the hearth,” he told the sisters. “You are the bearers of the children. You are they who nurture them and establish within them the habits of their lives. No other work reaches so close to divinity as does the nurturing of the sons and daughters of God.” -(Gordon B. Hinckley, “Stand Strong against the Wiles of the World,” 101)

It is me who establishes the habits of my children's lives, me! I have a great responsibility on my shoulders.  These things are not allowed in my home, not on my watch. I pray they will recognize the joy that comes from choosing the better part, from choosing virtue and goodness.

"Never has there been a more complex time in the history of the earth. Satan and his minions have been perfecting the weapons in their arsenal for millennia, and they are experienced at destroying faith and trust in God and in the Lord Jesus Christ among the human family.

...We need more of the distinctive, influential voices and faith of women. We need you to learn the doctrine and to understand what we believe so that you can bear your testimonies about the truth of all things" - Elder M. Russell Ballard - Men and Women in the Work of the Lord

Things as They Really Are

-Alicia

"None Shall Slumber Nor Sleep"

Yesterday and the day before we did respite foster care.  So far, we've done respite  for eleven children total and this past weekend was our very first experience with a girl.  We watched her half-brother about a week ago and this past Friday and Saturday we watched both children.

These half siblings are several years apart. The girl is right between the ages of my two daughters and it was fun to see them both get along so well with her. Micah was thrilled to take care of the baby boy because he's always wanted a younger brother and these moments through foster care are his closest opportunity.  I was surprised by Chandler yesterday because he usually resists touching or interacting with small kids. I wish there was a way I could've captured the good solid half hour he spent gently holding the foster baby on his lap, feeding him Cheerios during the funeral we attended.

The foster girl was removed a couple years ago and her brother was removed only a couple months ago.  When they found the baby, the cops took a hair sample and discovered he tested positive for cocaine, meth, and marijuana.  He couldn't say any words and was terribly malnourished. During the first week his foster parents had him, he went through serious drug withdrawals and was extremely difficult to console.  It's amazing how much he has recovered in such a short amount of time.  Despite a few minor issues, he really seems like a normal happy baby.

Friday night at 1:00 A.M., I heard a timid little knock on our bedroom door.  I opened the door slowly to the foster girl standing there clenching a framed picture in her arms. "I can't sleep" she announced.
"Oh, honey, is there something bothering you?" I asked.
"I miss my mom." She sighed.
"I'm sure you do.  Is this her?" I asked, pointing to the small framed picture she was holding,
"Yeah, that's me and her before I was taken and put into foster care."
"Have you seen her recently?"
"No, not recently... the social workers keep trying to arrange a visit but they say my mom is too sick."
I didn't say anything.

(I haven't been a foster mom for long but I do know enough to understand what the social worker means when they say to a child, "Your mom is very sick right now."  It means that their mom is too high on drugs to be cognitively aware of her child even if they did arrange a visit.)

I walked the foster girl to the bathroom sink and asked if she wanted a cup of water. She gratefully accepted the offer.  I asked if there was any kind of toy or stuffed animal she brought that could help her sleep better.  She nodded and began sorting through her backpack. "I have this," she said pulling out a mouse-like stuffed animal.  "My mom gave it to me.  This and the picture is all I have to remind me of her. I sleep with them every night, even if the picture frame digs into my skin."
"Those two things must be so important to you," I said. "No wonder you want to hold on to them."

We sat down in the middle of the hallway and I listened to her tell me more sad stories; she told me about the time her beaded necklace broke at school - it was the necklace her mom had given her. She hid in the girl's bathroom and cried all day and no one could get her to come come out, not even her teacher.  "It was my only necklace from from my mom.  No one understood why I was crying so much about a bunch of beads.  I miss her so much."
My heart broke for this poor little girl. After time, I could see she was starting to get tired again and suggested she continue to talk to me while she was laying in bed.  She agreed and climbed back under the covers into the lower bunk with her arms still clinging tightly to her memories. She gazed at the mattress above  in a wishful state, "If I could... I would make my mom better so she wasn't sick anymore.  I'd give her all the medicine she needed to help her be well again."
"You are a very sweet girl," I assured her. "I bet you would do anything for your mother.... And you know what?"
"What?" she asked.
"I know there are many people who want to see your mom get better too."
She sighed deeply, "The judge is going to tell me soon if I can go back home with her.  If he says 'no' I'm going to be so upset.  I'm going to scream and scream and be very, very mad....
If he says 'yes' I'm going to give the judge  the biggest hug.  I'll be so happy."
She sighed again.
"This has got to be very difficult for you.  I can't imagine how hard it is."
"Yeah... it's hard." She confirmed.
She lay their a little longer, lost in her imagination, then quietly asked, "What time is it?"
I answered,"It was 1:00 when you knocked on my door."
"What time is it now?"
I peaked around the corner to the clock on the wall, "It's just after 1:30."
She folded her arms over the blankets and nestled her head deeper in the pillows, "I think I'm okay now."
"Are you sure? Do you need me to listen anymore?"
She thought for a moment, "No, I'm okay now.  You can go back to bed."
"Alright, sweetheart.  Do you want me to leave the bathroom light on so it's not so dark?"
"Yes, thank you," she replied and drifted back to sleep.

The next few hours of the night were intervals of  the baby waking and crying.  He seemed to only be soothed if I stood and swayed with him in my arms. Around 4:00 his sister knocked on my door again, she was concerned about her brother.  She suggested he needed a snack and I thanked her for the advice. "Just a tip." she smiled and turned cheerfully back to bed.
"What a good big sister," I thought.
I didn't get him a snack but continued to sway him until he fell asleep in my arms.

It's been a long time since I had a night where my sleep was interrupted that much. I question sometimes what on earth I am doing, throwing myself into this new life of foster care.  I wonder about my capabilities to handle the mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual pressure it will be on me and my family. Yet, despite all my self-doubts, despite all my fears... I can't help but feel this intense pull, this deep desire somehow grow increasingly to keep going, to continue on in this rescue effort.

It's amazing to me how important biological parents are to children - no matter how good or bad, involved or absent they are.  The child wants the mom and dad they are genetically tied to more than anyone else in this world.  Sure, other people can become very important parent-figures and do great things in their life but no one will ever mean as much or fill the hole that only a biological parent can fill.

My vision is changing and my eyes are opening to a world that was invisible before.  There are five regions of foster care in the State of Utah and over 600 children in just our foster region alone. That's a ton when you realize that each of these kids have to come from extremely critical and dangerous circumstances in order to "qualify" for removal.  I can't turn them away from my home, I just can't!! Not after what I've experienced so far... and what I've experienced is only a tiny fraction.  This is going to be very hard work. I pray I can measure up to the task. I pray for strength beyond my own.

-Alicia

A Tribute to My Mother-in-Law

This week my mother-in-law celebrated her 73rd birthday.  I felt it fair to say something about her since I've written a little about my father-in-law in a previous post.  Shirley is an incredible woman who never seeks attention and is always content to serve quietly behind the scenes.

When I first met my husband's parents,  I recognized Shirley as the classy-dressed brunette, always graceful, Spanish / English teacher from my middle school.  What a small world!  Who could have known that the same woman I had passed in those 7th - 9th grade halls would one day be the grandmother of my children?

When she was a teenager living in California, she was introduced to the church and was soon baptized. She served a full-time LDS mission to Uruguay where she became fluent in Spanish. After her mission, she moved to Provo to go to BYU where she met her husband.  Just under the span of nine years, she bore eight children. (Four years after her eighth, she had her ninth.)  I think the longest standing calling in the church she has ever had was Gospel Doctrine Instructor because she did such a fantastic job teaching.

My mother-in-law is a gifted author.  She has written numerous articles for the church magazines and has published a few of her own books.  I've been especially grateful for her talents in this area these past ten months when I've been in school.  Any paper I've had to write, she's been more than happy to edit for me.

She has been a wonderful support to my father-in-law and has remained steadfastly loyal to him through thick and thin, day-in and day-out.  Through every hardship she has been right there at his side.  She loves greatly, lives faithfully, serves quietly, and prays constantly.  I admire her stamina.

I don't know many people who have absolutely no complaints about their in-laws; This is why I feel so fortunate to have married well enough that I have nothing but gratitude and deep respect for each of mine, especially my mother-in-law.

-Alicia

"I pray that you will understand the words of Jesus, 'Love one another as I have loved you.' Ask yourself 'How Has he loved me? Do I really love others in the same way?' Unless this love is among us, we can kill ourselves with work and it will only be work, not love. Work without love is slavery.

 Little things are indeed little, but to be faithful in little things is a great thing.

A sacrifice to be real must cost, must hurt, must empty ourselves. The fruit of silence is prayer, the fruit of prayer is faith, the fruit of faith is love, the fruit of love is service, the fruit of service is peace."

 - Mother Teresa

A Marvelous Father

Yesterday, I had the privilege of attending the homecoming of my nephew, Dane.  What a solid, good, and pure young man!  I'm so incredibly proud of him.  He's such a naturally righteous soul: timid like a lamb on the outside but roaring like a lion with bold testimony on the inside.  Once, I asked his mother the secret to raising such an amazing kid.  She shook her head at me with surprise, "Alicia, you have no idea... honestly, he came that way.  He is unlike any other, I've never had a child so naturally obedient." I thought to myself, "She's been blessed with a 'Nephi.'"

The messages in Sacrament meeting yesterday were beautiful; centered on charity, the pure love of Christ.  Then Nephi... I mean Dane, concluded his testimony of miracles and angels (both seen and unseen.) I smiled.

In Sunday school we discussed 1 Nephi 8 and the Tree of Life and in Relief Society we learned about the Kingdom of God established on earth as it is in Heaven.  

I took mental note of the talk referenced in Sunday school by Robert D. Hales entitled, "With all the Feeling of a Tender Parent." Still thinking of my sister-in-law's comment and the varying dispositions of our children... what about Lehi's children?  What a contrast between Nephi and his brothers! How much did this affect the emotions of their father?

• "The hymn often sung by our pioneer ancestors tells us what to do: “Gird up your loins; fresh courage take. / Our God will never us forsake.”  That courage and faith is what we need as parents and families in these latter days.
• Father Lehi had such courage. He loved his family and rejoiced that some of his children kept the Lord’s commandments. But he must have been heartbroken when his sons “Laman and Lemuel partook not of the fruit” representing the love of God. “He exceedingly feared for [them]; yea, he feared lest they should be cast off from the presence of the Lord.” - Elder Robert D. Hales

Lehi was an incredible father; devoted, loving, and true to the Faith!! Some of his children chose to follow his counsel and others refused.  In all of his ups and downs, joys and heartache... I can't help but wonder if he ever just needed some affirmation for his valiant efforts, some reassurance that he was a good father, a marvelous father, regardless of the choices his children were making. (If he lived down the street from me, I'd take a moment to tell him that.) ;)

• "Our worthiness will not be measured according to their righteousness. Lehi did not lose the blessing of feasting at the tree of life because Laman and Lemuel refused to partake of its fruit. Sometimes as parents we feel we have failed when our children make mistakes or stray. Parents are never failures when they do their best to love, teach, pray, and care for their children. Their faith, prayers, and efforts will be consecrated to the good of their children. "  - Elder Robert D. Hales

Also, if  Lehi were my neighbor, I think I'd encourage him with this too;

• "Remember, remember all the days of your [fatherhood]: 'Ye have not come thus far save it were by the word of Christ with unshaken faith in him, relying wholly upon the merits of him who is mighty to save.'
• Rely on Him. Rely on Him heavily. Rely on Him forever. And 'press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope.'  You are doing God’s work. You are doing it wonderfully well. He is blessing you and He will bless you, even—no, especially—when your days and your nights may be the most challenging." - Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

I offer my prayers for all those parents who strive so diligently to keep that brightness of hope alive in the midst of storms and pending gloom.  Keep shining!  Your light is seen by many and it warms their hearts... God will bless you for keeping that fire burning in your soul! It's beautiful!

-Alicia ;) 

Into the Unknown

My second pregnancy was a difficult one.  During my third trimester I was bed-ridden with preeclampsia.  Labor was awful, my body went into shock, my placenta wouldn't deliver, and my blood pressure was on the verge of triggering seizures. I don't remember much from that morning, by the time the Dr. bundled Miriam up and placed her in my arms, I was unconscious.  A few months after her birth I kept having dizzy spells and passed out on one occasion but it wasn't related to the preeclampsia.  Turns out it was because my iron levels were extremely low and I had Anemia.  Just a few months after the birth of my second daughter, Kaylee, I had the same symptoms of Anemia but this time the Dr. said I had way too much iron in my blood. He said he had ruled out the possibility of Hemochromatosis. (A was a mouthful of a word I had never heard before.)

He informed me, "Alicia, the average female has a ferritin level of 12-150 ng/mL.  Your blood is showing levels of nearly 1,000 ng/mL.  We've already ruled out one thing but high ferritin could also be an indication of disease, this is why we often see such levels increase in the elderly.  But since you're still so young we will need to run some more tests."

The Dr.'s words frightened me.  He told me they needed to rule out fatal diseases like Cancer or Lupus.  I drove home that day imagining myself battling with either one of these and I just couldn't wrap my brain around it.  Never before had life seemed so fragile, it felt surreal.  For the next several months I went back and forth to the Hematologist to have my blood drawn.  I was relieved when the test results for both these diseases came back negative.  The Dr. was still scratching his head at why my iron level was so high. Disease or no disease, such levels were toxic and he suggested a series of phlebotomy treatments to lower it.  I wasn't sure how well I would handle regular "draining" because of my small frame, I've never been a good candidate for giving blood.  Gratefully, I didn't need to go through with it because the levels of ferritin began to decrease on their own. My health soon returned  after those few months and everything was back to normal.

I am certain that this unsolved mystery alone was one of the fears keeping my husband from wanting to have more children, not to mention his fear of providing financially, and his fear of his own emotional stability.  Around the time my youngest turned three, I begged Joseph for another child.  I fasted and prayed, I felt good about it.  I tried to persuade him that if the Lord intended for us to have more children, that everything would be okay, things would work out, and we would be fine.  He was in such a depressed state and with despondency he answered, "Honey let's not talk about it anymore.  Let's not pray about it, or fast about it.  I think we're done."  So, I never bothered him about it again.  It was incredibly heartbreaking for me.  But I moved on and began to prepare myself for the "next phase" of our life.  I sold our crib, got rid of strollers, and car seats.  The huge bag full of maternity clothes I had been hanging on to was finally taken to the thrift store.

Seven-and-a-half years have passed since my youngest was born.  I'm a student now at BYU and have accepted this as part of my "new phase" of life.  Imagine my surprise when a month ago, my husband approached me and expressed his desire to have another baby.  My jaw dropped to the floor.  I should have been excited about this but my emotions were very mixed.  Of course I would love another child but the idea had been packed away for so long, it took me a moment to process.
 "Are you serious?" I asked him.  "Are you sure this isn't a 'bi-polar high' and next week you're going to dip down and be deeply opposed?"
"No, I'm serious...  But I understand if you don't want to now because it's been so long.  I just don't want my depression to be the thing that is stopping us from doing the Lord's will.  I would hate to live with that all of my life, knowing that my fear was keeping us back from having more children."

For weeks now my mind has been caught up in a whirlwind.  The thought of carrying and holding another infant in my arms feels me with a flood of emotion.  Every baby I see at church, at the store or with my husband's family seems to be a reflection of a future child and my eyes well up with tears.  I envision my other kids affectionately doting over and loving on a new little one like proud parents.  I imagine what wonderful experiences they would have caring for a baby.  Memories play like choirs of angels in my mind as I recall the magic of when each of their soft tiny bodies laid on my chest, their sweet breath touched my face, and I smothered every little part of them with kisses.

Then a little bit of fear creeps in...  I begin to think of my education and how I will manage to fulfill both dreams. I begin to worry about the mystery of my own health and what it could mean.

It has been said that courage is not the absence of fear but the faith and power to step forward in spite of it.

It truly is a miracle that my husband is wanting another baby.  Now, I can't be the one to let this pass. I don't need to give up my dream of BYU or stop taking classes in order to have another child and I don't feel like I need to let health issues prevent me either. (As far as I know, my body is currently strong.)  I find courage in stories of other women who have completed their schooling while still bearing children. If I didn't know of their success, I'm not sure if I would dare so much to keep going but they inspire me to step into this unknown world; brave, bold, and full of faith. So... I'm running with this.  I'm leaving it all in God's hands.  It is up to Him.
If the Lord sees fit to bless me with more children....  then hallelujah!
I'll be ready for the change.  Everything will work out.  It always does.

"Take me to the magic of the moment

On a glory night

Where the children of tomorrow dream away

in the wind of change." 

- Scorpions

-Alicia

The Purest Love

"The gospel of Jesus Christ is a gospel of transformation. It takes us as men and women of the earth and refines us into men and women for the eternities." - Joseph B. Wirthlin

I loved President Monson's opening message in this recent General Conference of how we "Let our light shine." It broke my heart to see him so physically weak, laboring in breath, and barely able to stand near the end of his testimony. But he was determined to deliver the sermon the Lord had inspired him to share - This made it even more powerful to me! I wanted to jump through the screen, quickly run to his side and hold him up. Oh how I love our dear prophet! And what a more perfect benadictary talk than that given by Elder Bednar as he testified of the wisdom and clarity that rests upon the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. Tears of deep gratitude streamed down my face as Elder Bednar highlighted teachings from these wonderful men I love!!! The Church is true, we are led by Apostles and Prophets who have been called of God by priesthood authority. I know this! What a blessing it has been to me throughout my life!

Many of my friends mentioned having the same feelings I did as the Prophet spoke, the feeling of wanting to run to President Monson and help hold him up.  This sheds greater light on what it means to sustain those who lead and direct this Church.

I also enjoyed what Elder Holland said about "bearing one another's burdens" and how both he and Elder Renlund tied the pure love of Christ and the love of a mother so intimately .  It seems so obvious but I had never put the two together.  It makes sense.  

"Today I declare from this pulpit what has been said here before: that no love in mortality comes closer to approximating the pure love of Jesus Christ than the selfless love a devoted mother has for her child." - Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

"In the Church, to effectively serve others we must see them through a parent’s eyes, through Heavenly Father’s eyes. Only then can we begin to comprehend the true worth of a soul. Only then can we sense the love that Heavenly Father has for all of His children. Only then can we sense the Savior’s caring concern for them. We cannot completely fulfill our covenant obligation to mourn with those who mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort unless we see them through God’s eyes."- Elder Dale G. Renlund

"Bear, borne, carry, deliver. These are powerful, heartening messianic words. They convey help and hope for safe movement from where we are to where we need to be—but cannot get without assistance. These words also connote burden, struggle, and fatigue—words most appropriate in describing the mission of Him who, at unspeakable cost, lifts us up when we have fallen, carries us forward when strength is gone, delivers us safely home when safety seems far beyond our reach. ...

...As Jesus said to John while in the very act of Atonement, so He says to us all, “Behold thy mother!”- Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

I remember when Elder Wirthlin was trembling and weak. President Russell M. Nelson stood behind him to steady him. This touched my heart so deeply. This is what the Gospel is truly about, the purest love that deepens our desire to help carry and sustain our brother or sister.

He Ain't Heavy He's My Brother

"True love lasts forever. It is eternally patient and forgiving. It believes, hopes, and endures all things. That is the love our Heavenly Father bears for us...

... His love is such that even should we give up on ourselves, He never will.

We see ourselves in terms of yesterday and today. Our Heavenly Father sees us in terms of forever. Although we might settle for less, Heavenly Father won’t, for He sees us as the glorious beings we are capable of becoming.

The gospel of Jesus Christ is a gospel of transformation. It takes us as men and women of the earth and refines us into men and women for the eternities.

The means of this refinement is our Christlike love. There is no pain it cannot soften, no bitterness it cannot remove, no hatred it cannot alter. The Greek playwright Sophocles wrote: 'One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love.'" - Joseph B. Wirthlin

- Alicia

Champion Each Other

Not long ago, I overheard a woman just tear into her husband, ripping him with criticism up one side and down the other.  Her nagging and griping seemed endless as she picked and prodded at every possible flaw.  My heart sank as I noticed the look of dejection in her husband's face.  He seemed heavy with sorrow as he hung his head shamefully and spoke not a word in his defense.  I've seen this same scenario played out in the opposite direction as well where the husband jabs at his wife with stabbing insults or cutting and belittling remarks.  How sad! How terribly, terribly sad!  

Now, I won't pretend that my marriage is perfect but I must say that I feel so incredibly fortunate that the communication we have as husband and wife has never been at such a base and ugly level.  In my opinion, this form of talk is abusive.  

Several years ago, my husband and I wrote up a family mission statement together.  We recite it every Monday with our children.  Part of this statement says,

"We are a family of sincere listeners who champion each other.  We strive to build an environment in our home and in our hearts where the Spirit of God may dwell.  We choose to find the good in others and in ourselves, remembering always 'the worth of souls is great in the sight of God'" (D&C 18:10)

In addition to this, whenever I or he has an opportunity to pray in family prayer or in our companion prayers, we always make it a point to openly express gratitude for the other, thanking our Father in Heaven for all they do and asking that the Lord will bless them in all they are in need of.

I've been studying and reviewing General Conference this morning and the talk by Linda K. Burton caused me to reflect on the depressing scene I witnessed not long ago.  Not only should we avoid such corrosive and biting words but we should seek a higher ground. We must constantly to seek to say things and act on opportunities that build and lift our spouse. We must practice this until it becomes second nature. 

 In her talk "We'll Ascend Together" Sister Burton asks the following questions:

"Sisters and brothers, how often do we intentionally “speak kind words to each other”?

We might test ourselves by asking a few questions. With a little adaptation, these questions can apply to most of us, whether we are married or single, whatever our home situation might be.

1. When was the last time I sincerely praised my companion, either alone or in the presence of our children?

2. When was the last time I thanked, expressed love for, or earnestly pleaded in faith for him or her in prayer?

3. When was the last time I stopped myself from saying something I knew could be hurtful?

4. When was the last time I apologized and humbly asked for forgiveness—without adding the words “but if only you had” or “but if only you hadn’t”?

5. When was the last time I chose to be happy rather than demanding to be “right”?"

I give my witness that great and marvelous things result in our homes when we strive to build and lift each other, when we strive to focus on the good.  There is no such thing as a kind word wasted.  We will never regret being too forgiving, too loving, too appreciative, or too gentle but we will always regret the absence of such virtues.

-Alicia

What is being taught?

In my religion class, we just finished studying in the Book of Mormon where the resurrected Christ visits and administers among the ancient inhabitants of America.  What must it have been like to feel the Spirit there, to sit at His feet and be taught by Him, and to partake of the sacred emblems He blessed?

In chapter 21 of 3 Nephi the Lord prophesies of the gathering of His covenant people to the truth in the last days, "that which had not been told them shall they see; and that which they had not heard shall they consider.  For in that day, for my sake shall the Father work a work, which shall be a great and marvelous work among them" (3 Ne. 21:8,9)

He also prophesies that in the last days, He will purge the people of their wickedness, that He will "cut off the witchcrafts, the graven images, the groves, all lyings, deceivings, envyings, strifes, priestcrafts, and whoredoms" it will all be "done away." (3 Ne. 21: 16-19)

When I read this description of such wickedness, I couldn't help but think of the majority of media and movies and the steady diet of filth offered freely to us in our homes.  What becomes of us when we take partake of this?  After all... isn't it true that "we are what we eat?"

As we think of those who gathered to be taught around the feet of our Savior, how they ate of the bread and wine...  we would do well to ask ourselves what is being taught in our homes?  What do we gather around?  If our T.V. programs and sitcoms of today could take on a physical identity, whose feet do our children sit at and receive teaching from?  What are they being fed?  Just think about it.  If the Lord came to our home to do some purging, where would He start?  I imagine He'd start by unplugging the television!

President Hinckley spoke at an American Mothers convention in May of 1994 and said, 'I am more concerned about the moral deficit than I am about the budget deficit.  The strength of a nation lies in the homes of its people.’  He then decried the ‘filth, the rot, the violence and profanity’ spewing into the home via television.  ‘If we could follow a slogan that says, ‘Turn off the TV and open a good book,’ we would do something of substance in strengthening another generation,’ he insisted.  (Sheri L. Dew, Go Forward with Faith: Biography of Gordon B. Hinckley, 477)

"A moral deficit?" Can we see this?  That was back in 1994 and I submit that the junk on T.V. is far worse today that it was 21 years ago...  And yet so many mothers leave movies, popular shows, and sitcoms, to 'babysit' their children every day. With a ratio of three hours of worship on Sundays to well over twenty hours of 'the world’s teachings' the rest of the week, who do we think our kids are going to imitate??  Mothers, we cannot do this!  It is irresponsible!!  We've got to turn it around!  We need to step up in being "guardians of the hearth."

The family is under attack on all fronts. In 1995, why did the First Presidency choose to announce the proclamation on the family in a general Relief Society meeting? After President Hinckley read it, he provided an answer to that question. “You are the guardians of the hearth,” he told the sisters. “You are the bearers of the children. You are they who nurture them and establish within them the habits of their lives. No other work reaches so close to divinity as does the nurturing of the sons and daughters of God.”  -(Daughters of My Kingdom "Guardians of the Hearth")

"You... establish within them the habits of their lives." What habits are we establishing, mothers? Watching hours and hours of television a day?!

My children give me a hard time because I am so strict with media.  I let them have 20 min. each of screen time per day and on the weekends they get to watch a movie or two.  We don't have cable so we don't get T.V. programs but we have the internet.  And as deprived as my kids might sometimes feel, one day they'll thank me for laying down these restrictions, for trying to establish other habits, noble habits, like serving a neighbor, expanding their talents, reading the scriptures on their own, listening to conference talks in the middle of the week, being creative, and the list goes on.  I can see good fruit bearing from this already.

I believe mothers, especially Latter-Day-Saint mothers who have made sacred covenants, will see a tremendous difference for good in their families if they personally  love and apply the standards outlined in the  For the Strength of Youth pamphlet.  Do we know what is in this?  Have we studied it?   I testify and promise that when we adhere to these teachings, it will result in wonderful, specific blessings:  

1. We will have an increased measure of the Spirit in our homes and contention will decrease. Our tone of communication and choice of words will improve.
2. Our identity, the identity of others, and the identity of our children will be more clear and centered on truth. We will lose desire for popularity and gain a stronger inner confidence.
3. Our children will be more receptive to the Gospel, they will be more sensitive to the things of the spirit, and they will feel closer to the Savior.

Those who wrote this pamphlet are true messengers from our Father in Heaven.  They were inspired by God in each and every one of these standards.  Are we giving strict heed??

The Lord promises the righteous gatherers in the last days that "all thy children shall be taught of the Lord; and great shall be the peace of thy children." (3 Ne. 22:13)  This is more than a message to the House of Israel... It is to the mothers of Zion, the teachers of the home.  “Great shall be the peace” not only of our children but WE, will have peace as well, knowing that we didn't take the "easy road" but we took "the road less traveled."

Why wait for the second coming of the Savior when we can invite Him in our homes today?  Let His feet be the ones our children gather around.  Let His Spirit be what feeds them.

-Alicia