Wherever They Go

Things are still going wonderful with our little three-year-old foster girl, so great in fact that we are taking in a couple more foster kids this weekend. One girl is eleven and the other is seven. It's respite care so it won't be a permanent placement but I'm extremely happy that in this case we are in a position to take them.

My heart hurts for our former fosters who left a few months ago. I think about them every day and wish that conditions would have been such that they could have stayed. I love them both very much and it's hard to see the family they are with now struggling worse than we were. I offer my help and bring my former fosters to my home about once a week but it just makes me more aware of how much they've digressed since they left. They've been living with their mom on the weekends and should be living permanently with her soon. I can't help but wonder which roads they will choose in life.... I wonder the same thing about my bio children.

No matter where any of my children go and what choices they make, I hope they all know that we love them so much and wish for them the very best.

-Alicia

First Week

Yesterday, marks one week since our foster daughter arrived. We are absolutely loving this sweet little girl. There are still no clear answers with how long she will be with us but what an amazing and completely different experience this has been for our family! I'm so glad this placement has been going so well.

-Alicia

Amazing Little Soul

When we got the call from the crisis care worker asking if we could take you in, I didn't know what to expect. I knew very little: only that you were a three-yr-old girl and that they were still trying to find someone in your biological family who could receive you permanently as their own. Tomorrow they will have a meeting with your grandparents. I have no doubt they love you very much! I'm certain they wish with all their hearts they could keep you and raise you. Unfortunately though, there are some very strict guidelines and criteria the State has in place that could possibly prevent them.  None of us know what will happen yet.

 If things fall through with the State being able to find biological family members who meet their criteria, they will most likely look to us as a permanent option for you. That's still something we are waiting for more information on but our whole family feels like we would accept if it became the case. One thing I do know is that you have an amazing little spirit. We all have fallen in love with you! Even Chandler has opened up to your presence in our home. What a miracle!

It's strange, because this foster placement hasn't felt like much of an adjustment at all... you seem to fit so well and so perfectly here.

This will be your fourth night with us. Every evening, you have wanted to snuggle next to me on my bed and listen to me sing you songs as I stroke your hair. You have fallen asleep so quickly and have been so peaceful. As I lay there with you and review the adventures of the day in my mind, I keep thinking how you're an incredibly smart little girl, how you communicate really well. I'm surprised at your affability and natural obedience.

Maybe part of the reason this placement feels so great is because we've learned some things from our other placements, we've learned from some of our mistakes and know more this time better ways to handle certain difficulties. But I really believe most of the difference and ease of your placement in our home comes from you. You really are an incredibly bright and conscientious child! There is something so wonderfully different about you. We all can sense it! It's been a privilege to have you here. What a darling and sweet little girl you are! We're glad to keep you as long as we can.

-Alicia

Bonus Child

We received another crisis placement yesterday. She's a three-yr-old girl with a very sweet personality. Kaylee spent the whole afternoon entertaining our new bonus child - she loves playing the role of a big sister.

Our bonus child is prone to terrible gushing nose bleeds. I don't know what causes them but she had an episode last evening that scared her pretty bad. She clung to me for 45 minutes as tight as her little body could hold. When the bleeding stopped, she had almost fallen asleep in my arms. I was glad she was able to relax.

We spent almost the entire rest of the evening  making purple donuts, candy, ducks, and ponies out of play-dough. She giggled with excitement at each new creation. Given all she's been through, she seems to be a very happy child. All of the kids seem to like her, including Chandler - which is huge!

We don't know how long we will get to keep her, that's up to the State and the court to decide. We're happy to have her though!

- Alicia

Panel Discussion

Joseph and I went to an all-day foster care training today. The most powerful part of the training was a two-hour panel discussion with five different youth who have aged out of the system. This panel of fosters were good kids and you'd never guess some had lived with more than seven foster families. Most of these young adults from the panel are currently in college and or living on their own. I was grateful to hear their advice to foster parents of what works and what doesn't because they have that hindsight. Through their inspiring and heartbreaking stories, Joseph and I were able to recognize several areas where we need to improve if we want a better experience with our placements. It was eye-opening and very humbling to say the least. I'm glad we're still moving forward with this whole foster care experience. It is changing us in ways nothing else ever could.

-Alicia

Children in Crisis

We've taken in two foster children for crisis care and will have them for about a week. This kind of care is short-term for children with severe needs until permanent placement is arranged. We have an 8-yr-old boy and a 5-yr-old girl. The social worker gave us a heads-up informing us that both children are severely autistic, so they don't speak much and what little they do speak is in Spanish. The girl is still in diapers but it's not so bad, she's really cooperative when it comes to letting me change her..

These kids may have high needs because of how severe their autism is but I can recognize right away that their spirits are both very sweet. They were so nervous when they were dropped off. I wasn't sure if they were ever going to warm up. But after a couple hours, it was incredibly rewarding to able to break through the first barriers.

The girl is in her own little world and makes hardly any eye contact as she hums and rocks herself. The boy is able to interact a little more. Right before bed, they both shed some tears as reality began to settle in that they were staying in a completely unfamiliar place. In an effort to calm them and help them feel a little more secure, I had the idea to play the relaxing music playlist Chandler listens to when he sleeps at night. I figured since Chandler has high-functioning autism, these children on the other end of the autistic spectrum might appreciate his style of nighttime music. My assumption was right - It instantly made a difference.

Then, I pulled out a couple of back scratchers to add to the relaxation. The girl liked it right away- but the boy seemed startled by the touch. He recoiled and made a few whimpering noises. I gave him some space and just let him watch me scratch his sister's back. After a moment of watching and seeing that he was safe, he rolled onto his stomach and let me scratch his back. Every other minute, the boy and girl would glance over their shoulder with their big brown eyes so full of questions. I'd smile and whisper, "esta bien, esta bien." Then they'd smile. After 30 minutes, I had them both sleeping deep and comfortable.

I did a late-night rush to the store once they were asleep to pick up some of their favorite foods their social worker listed for us.

I'm really glad we could be available for this crisis call. Joseph, Miriam, Micah and Kaylee have all been great helpers so far with this too. Chandler is away for the week at a scout-camp so I'm not quite sure what his reaction will be. He'll only be with them a few days though. I feel good about everything.

-Alicia

A Little Too Quiet

Everything seems so strange, so quite around here. And these past couple of days have seemed even more strange. It almost feels like the house is abandoned.... and well... it practically is. I had six kids seven days ago and as of Wednesday, I only have two. Chandler and Miriam are gone at a youth camp and my two fosters have moved on. Of course, Chandler and Miriam return Saturday but the fosters will not be returning.

Plans to move our foster daughter to a new home have been in the works for almost a month. It isn't something I ever imagined we would do as foster parents but we knew it would be for the better.  My oldest son couldn't handle her anymore and with each passing day he would act out with more frustration and anger towards her, causing her to have more frequent and more intense violent meltdowns. My husband had also completely shut off to her and my three younger children were showing signs of burn-out too. 

One night, during a regular episode of one of my foster daughter's screaming and thrashing fits, I pulled my foster son aside and explained to him how his sister needed a better place, a fresh start --she needed it... and we needed it. Surprisingly, he understood.

As he contemplated longer about his sister moving, his expression changed to worry and fear. He asked if he would have to move too. I replied that I didn't know. I told him how I didn't want him to go with her and I was checking with the State to see if he could stay at our place even though we had requested her removal. I guess I should have known from training that DCFS rarely ever splits sibling groups but I figured in our case they might make an exception.

Originally, they were going to move both children an hour-and-a-half south of us but I felt absolutely horrible about a move that far. It would have completely ruined my foster son! Several phone calls, texts, and emails later, I convinced DCFS to consider placing them with a family who live in the same ward as us. I explained that they were just a couple of days away from finalizing everything they needed for their foster care license and that this particular family had originally planned on taking the children long before we ever lived in the area. They are really close friends with the former foster parents and even rent their basement to them.

Moving foster children can be terribly traumatic and can create tons more attachment issues down the road. But I knew that these children had the chance of maintaining some sort of familiarity if I could keep them close. Plus, living only a few houses away would make it much easier to support and help the new foster family.  All around it would be better.

When we finally made the move one week ago, It was the craziest sight to see:  The former foster parents came up from their basement apartment to visit with the new foster parents above them -- and there we were too (the foster parents in-between). We all sat in the living room as the children played. How rarely does this ever happen! Three couples, completely unrelated, all with the experience of fostering the same two children in the same neighborhood. What a blessing for these kids!

The Lord is watching over and looking out for these children and has created so many miracles on their behalf.  The following morning I opened my email and found message after message from my foster's son first night in his new home.  He said he missed me terribly and that he couldn't sleep. It broke my heart!! I responded by telling him that since we live close, he could come over any time to visit.

Last night, I stopped by their new place with bags of homemade kale chips for the kids. Both fosters really loved it when I made those. My foster son ran to the door and gave me a big hug but my foster daughter was already in bed. They seem to be very happy where they are.

I keep trying to convince myself that we did the right thing but sometimes I wonder. My heart aches. We plan to receive a new placement soon and hope this time the children will blend together better with our own.

This morning I woke up feeling horribly depressed, like a complete failure. I opened my email and found another message from my foster son that he sent last night. I'm glad that I can still be part of his life.

When my foster son moved in with us, I bought him a stuffed fox. He slept with that fox every night and said he loved it because it smelled like me. Foxes now remind him of me and  he tells me that they're his new favorite animal. He even changed his profile to a fox.  (see, in the upper left corner). So heartbreaking!

Support

My heart is filled with gratitude for the foster care support page. Yesterday, a flood of people sent me messages of encouragement, people who have also made the difficult decision to remove a child from their home. What a blessing to me their words have been!!

"You have to do what's right for your family and for those kids. Sometimes your home just isn't the best fit or maybe it's just not the right time. I know it hurts. And it's okay. Hurting shows that you love them and tried. I have seen families request a removal and get placements later down the road that were a much better fit. It's okay. You will get through this."

"Yes we have had placements moved. This is super hard. Not all placements fit in our families. Cry it out and move on. You will be ok. They next one could fit better. Good luck! (((HUGS)))"

"Non-fostering friends don't get it and that's because they aren't in the trenches like other foster parents. Other foster parents are your tribe, we get it, we know what it's like, and we know it's not a heartless decision."

 "In the end you have to do what is right for your family. The most experienced foster parents will tell you that we have all been in this same position at some point in time with our experience. You have to decide if this is best for your family, without allowing outside people to influence this, because at the end of the day you have to be okay with your decision. There is no shame in saying this is not a good fit."

 "I felt the same way when we asked to have a placement move, it ended up being a must for us due to safety concerns and we were torn and worried that dcfs would hold it against us! It ended up being far better for the child the home he went to was a much better fit and we have a placement now that fits us better!
It's hard but you will be ok!"

 "I am so sorry you are going through this! All I can say is ditto to everyone else. I am on our first placement so I don't have near the experience as others on here but my kids are a sibling group that is broken up. I have the 2 youngest and the 3 oldest were together. The very oldest was really struggling and so was his foster mom. Their personalities just didn't work together. He ended up being placed in a proctor home. It started really rough but the neighborhood has taken this kid in with open arms and he is thriving far and above what the whole team expected. I know the other foster mom really struggled with guilt at first, but honestly it just wasn't a good fit and this new place is. So, try not to feel guilty and do what you need to for you and your family."

"Stay strong and know that you are making a difference, even caring for them until a better fit is found. Some placements really are just harder than others."

"It's hard. We love the foster kids we asked to have moved, and we're pretty sure they love us too, so it was a difficult heart-wrenching decision to make. Once the decision was made we did feel some peace with it. And of course some regrets and second-guessing, too... we're sad if we hear things aren't going well for them in the new placement, but we just have to trust the Lord that he will put them in the place they need to be (we don't have to trust DCFS for that, they can't see the future)." 

"After having done this over 10 years I have learned a few things, with that said. It is never easy to move a child from your home, you will will feel sadness, failure, and honestly a bit of relief. You will have forgotten what a non stressful home feels like. You will cry and grieve that this child was moved and go thru lots of the what if's.....BUT will you be placed again with another child? YES!!! We have to remember this isn't about us this is about finding the right fit for the child to grow and develop and hopefully return home. If that isn't the case then you want the child to be adopted into a home where they fit and belong. There are 100's of foster homes and each child does different in each home, we all have strengths and weaknesses and sometime we don't know our weaknesses till we take that child who brings them out. You and your family have done amazing things for these children but when it isn't a good fit you just cant make the square fit into the round circle no matter how hard you try. With each placement you learn something new about yourself, your family what you can and can't handle. I believe any time a child is moved or goes home it is a great idea to re connect with your family and take a look at what worked what didn't work. Taking time to re energize your family is ok to do as well. Huge hug as this is a hard decision but do what is best for the children in your home and your family."

"About your​ pain of asking for removal, we get it! We've got you! Our kids needed so much more support and services than we were able to get (beg) for them, and once the 9yr old truly snapped I finally faced the fact that she couldn't be happy with us. We had taught her enough coping skills for so many facets of her life and then suddenly she began abusing me physically, which devolved into my 11 bio kid self harming to cope with the stress. I had to start protecting myself and my family from her and her out-of-controlness...which doesn't create a loving environment. She'd given signs and symptoms for so long, and I found myself trying harder and harder to be what she needed until we broke. Sometimes failures are more valuable than success, because it lays bare the true extent of the need and proves to DCFS the Foster children need more than they're getting."

Mother's Day Highs

My husband is so good to me. In honor of Mother's Day, he made a wonderful BBQ dinner tonight and got the kids to do all the clean-up. He's awesome! The weather was perfect to be outside. Our rose bush is in bloom and the huge tree in our front yard gives perfect shade to enjoy a ride on the swing. I had a sweet moment enjoying it all with the kids.

 At the end of mine and Joseph's fast together, my husband I both felt tremendous peace with our decision to move our foster daughter out. It doesn't mean that my heart is not broken about the matter.  I still ache for this girl but I know we've done our best.

Lovely Skittles bouquet Kaylee made me for Mother's Day 

-Alicia

Mother's Day Lows

It's so strange. I've never had a Mother's Day where I've felt like this, so depressed. My husband was going to make me breakfast but I don't feel well and I certainly don't have an appetite. He's fasting this morning because of the difficulties we have been facing with foster care - he's especially fasting for me to be strengthened.  He asked what he could do to make this Mother's Day more meaningful. I expressed sincere gratitude for his wonderful thoughtfulness and told him that I would actually like to join him in his fast. I pray with all my heart to be better. I know I can do better as a mom.

This is the first time in my life that I've really struggled with Mother's Day. I think it's because this is my first one as a foster mom.... and not just any foster mom - one who feels like giving up. After the experiences we've had with foster care, my eyes have been opened to exactly how difficult it can be to express love to a high trauma level child. Our foster daughter has a very thin threshold before she flies into full-scale panic. The trick is to try and catch her, to calm her, in that small little window before she ramps up. Unfortunately, that window usually only lasts a couple seconds before she's screaming at the top of her lungs and flailing her arms uncontrollably. 

It's daily, over small things. For example: Yesterday, she told me she wanted an apple. I sliced her an apple and handed it to her. As soon as I did that she changed her mind and said she didn't want it anymore. I told her to take at least one bite. "NO! I'm throwing it away!" she demanded.

"Honey, you don't need to throw it away. just set it on the counter." She set it on the counter.

I called out to the other kids, "Does anyone else want these apple slices?"

"I do, I do, I do!" Three of my kids came rushing in the kitchen for them.

As soon as my foster daughter saw this she screamed, "No! MY apple!" She tried to grab them back.

I interceded, "You wanted to throw it away, remember. I'm letting them have it now."

And the meltdown began. 

She proceeded to kick and scream uncontrollably for 30 minutes straight.

In the van a couple days ago, she wanted chips. "I want more chips!" she insisted. (I had two different kinds.) She had been eating the spicy ones.

"Okay, how do you ask nicely?"

"Please, can I have more chips?"

"Wonderful, Thank you for asking nicely." I said. "Here you go." I placed a handful of spicy chips in her cup holder.

"No!!!" She started screaming and shaking her finger rapidly at the front of the van, "Give me the other ones!!"

I looked at the bag by my driver's seat. "Those are sweet potato. You don't like those ones."

She insisted, "Yes! I want those! Give me those!"

"I can, but how do you ask nicely?" I prompted her again.

Her body was still tense as she wiggled impatiently and stammered out, "Please, can I have those ones?"

"Yes. Here you go." I placed a handful in her other cup holder and then made my way back to the driver's seat.

As soon as I turned the ignition, buckled myself in, and began to pull away, I heard, "I don't like these chips!" She began throwing the sweet potato ones on the floor. 

"Hey, don't throw those." I objected. "You just threw a huge tantrum saying you wanted them."
She changed her mind again, "No, these are yucky! I WANT the spicy ones!"

I sighed, "You have spicy ones in your other cup holder."

"I want MORE spicy ones!" she shouted. 

I was not about to pull over and get out of the driver's seat again so I said, "Well, you'll have to wait until we get home to have more. I'm sorry."

Hearing that, she began to go completely ballistic. She screamed bloody murder and kicked the seat in front of her violently the entire way home.

I've had hard moments with my own children but I've never had a child as difficult as this little girl. She throws violent tantrums all the time for things she wants, and when she gets it, she throws an equally violent tantrum stating she no longer wants it. This back-and-forth is a constant pattern with her. It's lose-lose all the time. What I've mentioned above are just a couple of examples of moments where she has gone into full-scale uncontrollable, almost epileptic, tantrums. And they happen several times a day, every single day. 

It has become too much to bear! We finally told the social worker that we need to have her moved from our home. My own kids are terribly fatigued from her behaviors too. The supervisor over DCFS had a phone conference with me and my husband a couple days ago. He told us that most foster children aren't this way and that we happened to be placed with an extreme case. 

I don't know if that was meant to comfort us.

Soon, she will be removed from our home, maybe in about a month. We said we wanted to continue to foster her brother. He's doing really well and he certainly doesn't want to leave. DCFS doesn't like to split siblings though. We hope he can stay. This breaks my heart. 

Making this decision to move her on has been so painful. I can't help but feel like somehow I've failed. 

-Alicia 

The Lord is Able

"God has always asked His covenant children to do difficult things. Because you are covenant-keeping sons and daughters of God, living in the latter part of these latter days, the Lord will ask you to do difficult things. You can count on it—Abrahamic tests did not stop with Abraham. I know how unnerving it can be to be asked to do something that seems far beyond your capacity... 

But the Lord is able to do His own work, and I was privileged to watch the unfolding of one miracle after another—always, and only, after I had brought my best thinking, my most courageous efforts, and my most fervent prayers to the task... 

...anchored in pure doctrine, when you are asked to do impossible things, you will be able to step forward with faith and dogged persistence and cheerfully do all that lies in your power to fulfill the purposes of the Lord.

You will have days when you will be thoroughly discouraged. So, pray for courage not to give up!" - President Russell N. Nelson - Jan. 2017

"Something Out Of Me"

by, Nichole Nordeman

Just You and me on a hillside 

And 4,999 

If You could see on the inside 

What I brought, what I need, how I’m caught in between

You lifted bread to the blue sky 

They said they watched it just multiply 

But in the back of a long line 

Oh, I want to believe there’s enough left for me

Cause by now it really shoulda been long gone

And somehow it keeps going on and on 

On and on an on ‘cause

You take all kinds of nothing 

Turn it right in to something 

I see impossible, but You see a basket full of 

A little bit of this sounds crazy 

A little bit of just maybe 

You take every doubt and 

You make something out of me

It’s not the story that moves me 

It’s not that I don’t believe You could 

It’s just my heart is so hungry

Is there enough to fill me up 

Or will You run out of love

You take all kinds of nothing 

Turn it right in to something 

I see impossible, but You see a basket full of 

A little bit of this sounds crazy 

A little bit of just maybe 

You take every doubt and 

You make something out of me

Something out of me

By now Your love could have been long gone 

But somehow it keeps going on and on 

And...

You take all kinds of nothing 

Turn it right in to something 

I see impossible, but You see a basket full of 

A little bit of this sounds crazy 

A little bit of just maybe 

You take every doubt and 

You make something out of me

Something out of me

Rise Each Time You Fall

 I wasn't able to sit in Sacrament Meeting for our own ward today because I had Stake business... which meant Joseph was on his own with the kids. I was a little distracted in my other meetings because I was so worried that it was going to be another one of those Sundays where our foster kids displayed their hatred for the Sabbath in every possible way, pushing and resisting, fighting and ignoring, squirming and sassing... you know--the whole nine yards. I just didn't want Joseph to have to deal with that by himself because it's so draining.

You can imagine how pleased I was to find out that everything went well. The foster kids did amazing this time! They got along, they sat still, they didn't complain, or fight, or throw tantrums, or make rude remarks. Even tonight went smoothly for bed.  My foster daughter didn't scream for an hour like she has been for the last couple weeks. She went straight up to bed without a fight. I rotated through each child, scratching all their backs for five or six minutes each. Everyone was contented and everyone went to sleep without a struggle. Wow!

Days like these are just enough incentive for us to keep going.

The Stake business I had to attend to today was another ward's conference.  Bishop Speckheart of that ward spoke first and read this poem. I was glad to be there to hear it because I felt like the words were so applicable for this journey my husband and I are on.  I couldn't stop the tears from streaming down my face. This poem was exactly what I needed! Absolutely perfect!

The Race
by, D.H. Groberg

“Quit! Give Up! You’re beaten!”
They shout at me and plead.
“There’s just too much against you now.
This time you can’t succeed.”

And as I start to hang my head
In front of failure’s face,
My downward fall is broken by
The memory of a race.

And hope refills my weakened will
As I recall that scene;
For just the thought of that short race
Rejuvenates my being.

A children’s race–young boys, young men–
How I remember well.
Excitement, sure! But also fear;
It wasn’t hard to tell.

They all lined up so full of hope
Each thought to win that race.
Or tie for first, or if not that,
At least take second place.

And fathers watched from off the side
Each cheering for his son.
And each boy hoped to show his dad
That he would be the one.

The whistle blew and off they went
Young hearts and hopes afire.
To win and be the hero there
Was each young boy’s desire.

And one boy in particular
Whose dad was in the crowd
Was running near the lead and thought:
“My dad will be so proud!”

But as they speeded down the field
Across a shallow dip,
The little boy who thought to win
Lost his step and slipped.

Trying hard to catch himself
His hands flew out to brace,
And mid the laughter of the crowd
He fell flat on his face.

So down he fell and with him hope
–He couldn’t win it now–
Embarrassed, sad, he only wished
To disappear somehow.

But as he fell his dad stood up
And showed his anxious face,
Which to the boy so clearly said,
“Get up and win the race.”

He quickly rose, no damage done,
–Behind a bit, that’s all–
And ran with all his mind and might
To make up for his fall.

So anxious to restore himself
–To catch up and to win–
His mind went faster than his legs:
He slipped and fell again!

He wished then he had quit before
With only one disgrace.
“I’m hopeless as a runner now;
I shouldn’t try to race.”

But in the laughing crowd he searched
And found his father’s face;
That steady look which said again:
“Get up and win the race!”

So up he jumped to try again
–Ten yards behind the last–
“If I’m to gain those yards,” he thought,
“I’ve got to move real fast.”

Exerting everything he had
He regained eight or ten,
But trying so hard to catch the lead
He slipped and fell again!

Defeat! He lied there silently
–A tear dropped from his eye–
“There’s no sense running anymore;
Three strikes: I’m out! Why try!”

The will to rise had disappeared;
All hope had fled away;
So far behind, so error prone;
A loser all the way.

“I’ve lost, so what’s the use,” he thought
“I’ll live with my disgrace.”
But then he thought about his dad
Who soon he’d have to face.

“Get up,” an echo sounded low.
“Get up and take your place;
You were not meant for failure here.
Get up and win the race.”

With borrowed will "get up,” it said,
“You haven’t lost at all.
For winning is no more than this:
To rise each time you fall.”

So up he rose to run once more,
And with a new commit
He resolved that win or lose
At least he wouldn’t quit.

So far behind the others now,
–The most he’d ever been–
Still he gave it all he had
And ran as though to win.

Three times he’d fallen, stumbling;
Three times he rose again;
Too far behind to hope to win
He still ran to the end.

They cheered the winning runner
As he crossed the line first place.
Head high, and proud, and happy;
No falling, no disgrace.

But when the fallen youngster
Crossed the line last place,
The crowd gave him the greater cheer,
For finishing the race.

And even though he came in last
With head bowed low, unproud,
You would have thought he’d won the race
To listen to the crowd.

And to his dad he sadly said,
“I didn’t do too well.”
“To me, you won,” his father said.
“You rose each time you fell.”

And now when things seem dark and hard
And difficult to face,
The memory of that little boy
Helps me in my race.

For all of life is like that race,
With ups and downs and all.
And all you have to do to win,
Is rise each time you fall.

“Quit! Give up! You’re beaten!”
They still shout in my face.
But another voice within me says:
“GET UP AND WIN THE RACE!”

Leave this part blank.

I can't even write anymore. I can't seem to grasp my own thoughts, let alone articulate them.  I feel so terribly far from inspiration.  These days, I hardly know how to talk to my old friends when I see them let alone how to talk to God. In most of my prayers my mind drifts endlessly or is totally blank. My husband has expressed the exact same struggles. My children are manifesting similar emotions too.

Our world has shrunk to a select few who understand. The couple in our ward who had these kids before us "get" what we're going through but even they didn't have the children as long...and they didn't have their own biological children to blend with them either.

The irony of foster care is you try so desperately to save the lives of your foster kids but in the process you better brace yourself to take a wrecking ball to your own life. The trick is to avoid resenting that "wrecking ball" even learn how to love it, to embrace it.

Now, my foster son is doing pretty well despite a few set-backs.  I can't complain. He is trying so hard and I'm very proud of his progress. On the other hand, the melt-downs have increased with my foster daughter again. She was really doing better for several weeks in a row until she started seeing her mother 2x a week at the daycare for women in drug rehab. Almost every night now before bed she's back to  having convulsions and screaming non-stop for over an hour.  She's been doing this more in the day too. There's absolutely no consoling her. I offer to read her a story or to scratch her back in an effort to calm her. I hold her and she kicks and flails. Every soothing effort she violently refuses and so I walk away only to hear her scream like a banshee for all that she said she didn't want two seconds ago. At that point, all I can do is shut the door, walk away, and wait for her to be silent. Sometimes, I'm not that patient and I scream back or give her one big firm swat on the butt. (Of course that never helps.)

When she's not having melt-downs she wants me holding her and I do hold her but she weighs the same as Kaylee and I can't hold her for extremely long periods like she wishes.  The minute I set her down, she panics or starts lashing out at my other kids--That's hard for them. Chandler can't stand it, so he chases after her in a territorial manner acting like he's going to beat her... of course, he doesn't touch her but the threat is enough to cause the anxiety in her three-yr-old body to sky-rocket. (I've had a thousand lectures with Chandler about this begging him not tease her like that.)

She is a good girl and can be very sweet. I desperately want to give her the best home.  I want to help her so much but she can also be so hard, so very, very hard! Never in my life have I experienced a child like her. No one sees the struggles we are going through. No one sees it! When I talk with the social workers, they say I'm doing great. Really? Because I feel like crap! I'm just not who I thought I'd be as a foster mom.

I found a medical term that describes what my husband and I are going through. It's called Post Adoption Depression.  Now, we aren't adopting right now because our goal in foster care is to get these kids to reunification with the birth-parents but many of the symptoms we have been experiencing are the same as listed in Post Adoption Depression.

So what do we do? 

I don't know. I have no clue. 

There are many good moments.  I guess that is what I was trying to capture in my last post... but who am I kidding?... Most of the time, it feels like I'm falling apart. I pray for strength to be a better person. I know I can do better.

-Alicia 

I found a small space in our shrunken world that seemed to validate our emotions. According to this thread, this is "the new normal" and I need to have faith that time will be the healing factor.

https://adoption.com/forums/thread/369558/still-not-feeling-attached-to-adopted-daughter/

Vivian Park - This was a good day for our family. (Foster's faces are blurred because we can't post their pictures.)

Oh, how I needed this!

I went to lunch with my sisters-in-law this afternoon and they asked how things were going with foster care.  I told them that I really didn't know and that it was much harder than I had imagined. I get discouraged because I just haven't felt like I'm doing that great of a job.  These kids need someone who can see the hurt deep down inside of them and not take offense to every slight. They need someone who is willing to hold them and love them even when on the outside they are pushing everyone away. I just don't see myself as fulfilling those needs enough.

Tonight, my foster son asked if he could type in his journal on his laptop after I tucked him in bed.  I brought his computer in and said, "Sure, as long as you promise that you're not going to sneak games or YouTube videos in, you are very welcome to type in your journal." A little while later, he called me back to the bedroom. "I sent you something in a Google Doc."

"You did? What was it that you sent?"

"You'll see. Check your email."

"Right now?"

"Yeah, check your email. I want to watch you read it."

Now I was curious. I grabbed the phone and pulled open my email and read the following note:

I hugged him tightly and kissed him on the forehead. "Thank you so much! This was the sweetest thing you could have ever done. You don't realize how much this means to me. Thank you!" I kissed him again. He smiled bashfully and crawled back into bed. I wished him a good night and squeezed his hand tight. 

I think my foster son was inspired by the Spirit to write me this note tonight.  It came at a very good time. I really needed the encouragement.

-Alicia :)

All About Learning

Joseph took work off today so we could enjoy a nice morning hike together. He's been so good about making sure we have time alone. Our dates are more frequent and consistent than ever and I love it! I think Joseph has felt more protective of me because of all we are experiencing with foster care. He's anxious to make sure I'm holding up okay.  It's very sweet of him.

It's been great to see how my kids protectively look out for me too. I have one class this semester at BYU. It has been pretty easy because it's a religion class and I use part of my scripture study time in the early morning to do my reading assignments which works out well because they're assigned from the scriptures. The exams are a little tough though. Last night, I had to study for one but couldn't really get to it until late in the evening. When I finally made it into my room to study, my foster daughter kept screaming for me. I could hear Miriam outside my bedroom door patiently working with her and helping her understand that I couldn't come out of my room. Miriam really is a miracle-worker when it comes to children.

Chandler also tried to help give me the space I needed to study. When he heard our foster daughter screaming for me again, he bounded up the stairs with a growl to "stop her"... which resulted in Miriam, Joseph, Micah, and Kaylee all dog-piling Chandler to "protect" our foster daughter. Ha ha! Despite that bit of drama, I really do appreciate Chandler's heart in it.  He really does look out for me.

It has been amazing to watch my children in this huge life-change for them and I've been so pleased to see them adjust as well as they have.  I think Micah and Kaylee have dealt with the most. They both have demonstrated incredible compassion, making room, giving time, teaching patiently, and sharing. I worry though... because I think some damage has been done to Kaylee emotionally so we've made an effort to get her therapy from a Dr. who specializes with foster families.

As hard as it has been, I must say that our foster kids have shown huge positive changes from when they first moved in with us. They are learning what it means to have boundaries, personal space, and healthy communication. They are learning responsibilities, learning to work, learning to play, learning to be creative, and use their imaginations. They are learning how a mom and a dad should treat each other. They are learning what it's like to have a book read to them, to have positive physical affection, and to feel safe at night.

We're all learning so much. I've said it before and I'll say it again:

Show me a person who has innumerable followers, popularity, high accolades, degrees and doctorates, scholarly knowledge, who has read all the books and passed all the tests but who has never learned to care for their family, never learned to be civil in conversation, never learned to recognize and act upon the Spirit, never learned to reach beyond their obsession of self to sincerely love their neighbor, who has never learned to truly love and truly serve - and you've shown me a fool, indeed.

I truly believe that best kind of education is found in meaningful relationships, it is found in learning to love, to step outside our self in the most exhausting and difficult circumstances.

-Alicia

Action Items

“I find that when I get casual in my relationships with divinity and when it seems that no divine ear is listening and no divine voice is speaking, that I am far, far away. If I immerse myself in the scriptures the distance narrows and the spirituality returns. I find myself loving more intensely those whom I must love with all my heart and mind and strength, and loving them more, I find it easier to abide their counsel.” 

- Spencer W. Kimball

Reflecting on  General Conference today and yesterday, this is a quote that keeps coming to my mind.  It seemed that most of the talks were centered on or frequently mentioned the importance of daily personal scripture study.

My husband has always been a great example to me of one who diligently studies the scriptures.  Lately, he's been taking to heart Elder Nelson's counsel to study scriptures focused on Jesus Christ daily.  As a result, he's been listening to the four gospels at work every day for the past several weeks.

I feel like I really could use some improvement in my personal prayers and scripture study, Though I don't think my problem is being casual. Scripture study and prayer are just part of my regular daily routine.  But I feel as if I've been more blank, less feeling, with little to no absorption in my study lately,  I've had more days than usual where I've felt depressed too so maybe that's part of it.  I don't feel like I'm the same person I was six months ago.  I feel like my experiences being a foster mom have been like a bomb dropped on me and I'm still reeling from the shock.

There's so much I need to improve on.  Foster care is extremely humbling.  Speaking of foster care... Another thing that stood out to me in conference today was when S. Mark Palmer said, "those who are the hardest to love are the ones who need love the most." This is my earnest prayer: to love when I don't feel like loving, to give when I don't feel like giving, to sacrifice when I have nothing left in me to sacrifice.

I'm so grateful for a wonderful conference weekend. And I'm grateful for every new day to keep trying and keep practicing. God is good.

-Alicia

Feels more like falling...

Today was a little rough. Actually, this past week has been more rough than usual. (And that's saying something) I think I've been feeling a little guilty for the time it takes to care for the foster kids and I worry that my biological children feel slighted or pushed off to the side. I had a team meeting on Monday, my foster son's school performance on Tuesday, a DSFS evaluation for two hours on Wednesday, and they've just increased the required parent visits to a total of four hours a week, plus preschool with mom so she can receive parental training with her own daughter which adds up to an additional 9 hours a week.

Now, I get that more parent/child time is needed since the end goal is to reunite these kids with their biological family but it makes the foster kids more emotional, more confused, more difficult to redirect.

I've been so concerned about making sure my own biological children don't feel neglected as I try to work through these issues with the fosters. I've forced myself to stay up past midnight several nights in a row because that's the only time I'll get to just scratch their backs one by one and talk to the children.

I asked some questions on our support group page and immediately a whole bunch of other foster parents chimed in to give their encouragement and validation.  

A foster mom related, "One thing that one of my bio children said to me this past summer was, 'You don't know what it's like to share your mom with someone else!' Until that point, I didn't understand her frustration, now I am very careful with how much time is spent with each bio/adopted and foster children. It is a very fine line to walk so that your own children do not build resentment towards you. Foster Care is the hardest thing I have done in my life.  

Dozens of comments came back where I knew I had a community who understood my concerns completely.  

A couple of comments were a little more light-hearted like this one from a foster dad, 

"We thought that as long as the foster kids were little, and younger than our bio kids, then there would be no problems. Bwahahahahaha!"

Others shared ideas of how to unify our family and nourish each relationship, to help create bonds with the bios and the fosters. I'm excited to try some of the ideas. 

One particular woman's comments were so great that I had to visit her profile page.  There, I discovered this cool photo I have displayed at the top of this post: "Sometime's you gotta fall before you fly."

*Sigh* - Jumping in with both feet can be a little scary.... It's the story of my life though.

"Courage is not the absence of fear; it is the ability to act in spite of it." - anonymous 

-Alicia

More Than Lucky

Yesterday was awesome!  For the morning part of St. Patrick's Day, I made green pancakes served with green milk. For the afternoon, the kids and I made green rice crispy treats and rainbow cupcakes. And for dinner, we had green deviled eggs, green grapes, cucumber wheels, and laab.  (Okay, so laab isn't anything close to Irish.) Laab is actually a Thai dish but it has some delicious greens in it and it's one of my foster son's favorite meals.  I'd actually say it's a comfort food for him because it reminds him of his mother.  He was so delighted when he found out that I made laab. He gobbled up two big servings and then swung around the table to give me a big grateful hug. I was so glad to see him happy. Next week I'll make him some pho, one of his other favorites. I really need to learn more Thai and Vietnamese recipes, 

After dinner, Joseph and I had the perfect date night-- We hiked the Y, drank green smoothies, watched a movie, and did other fun stuff. ;) We plan to make our Y hike together at least a couple times a month, maybe more.  Joseph is really serious about planning for Timp this year.  I'm so proud of him because this is completely out of his comfort zone.  I really don't know what has gotten into him but I don't want it to stop.

I was so pleased with how yesterday went. Even the morning routine was quite smooth with none of the regular meltdowns from my foster daughter. The weather was amazing and the kids were all generally happy. It really was a good day... and I'll hang on to all the good days I can. 

I'd be ungrateful if I didn't take note.

-Alicia

Thou Shalt...

It's part of my routine now to take my foster children to visit their parents every Tuesday evening for two hours. Sometimes I stay and watch but sometimes it's too hard for me to stay. I learn so much about the children's behavior, the root of their desires, and the habits that seem to be ingrained in them. 

Sometimes, I leave these visits feeling very angry and frustrated, wanting to knock some sense into the parents and show them just how much damage they have done. I want to force them to break the vicious cycle they've been in all their lives, somehow just make them stop. I have to remind myself to be forgiving and pray for their parents rather than become resentful.  

A couple Tuesdays ago, my foster daughter left the visit with a gift from her mom: a little tiny coin purse on a chain that said, "Thou Shalt Sin".  Mom knew that I wouldn't like the text - so as we were leaving, I was grateful when she said that it was up to me if I decided to let her daughter keep it. Of course, my foster daughter didn't want to give up her new gift, no way! So I let her keep it under the condition that she would let me "fix it" first.  Her three-year-old mind didn't see the purse as broken but she willingly put it into my hands anyway.  

I examined the purse and contemplated how I was going to "fix it".  I saw it as an opportunity to teach a subtle lesson. I thought maybe I could insert a "not" between the "shalt sin" part but decided it seemed to be lacking core principle. Maybe I could just paint over the whole thing. I pondered on the commandments God gives us and why He gives them... and then I knew exactly what to do.

The next morning, I showed my foster daughter what I had done to the purse and she beamed with delight. She liked it so much better! (Since she can't read - I'm guessing it was mostly because of the pink letters.)

Even still, this experience is so telling. There are so many layers to it. I've reflected on the transition of thought that comes with three simple words:

"Thou Shalt Sin" - Making a mock of the commandments of God, viewing sin as real freedom, a message to flaunt, to celebrate rebelliousness.

changed to

"Thou Shalt Love" - An understanding of what God's laws really free us to DO and to feel. The foundation and core of Who God IS and what He wants us to ultimately BECOME.

I'm glad my foster daughter likes her purse better this way.

I do too.

-Alicia

"The Great Commandment: Love"

By, Joseph B. Wirthlin

All So Real

My husband and I went to see the movie Lion Saturday night.  Nominated for a Golden Globe award, it's a movie about a boy named Saroo adopted from India by an Australian couple, John and Sue Brierley.

Now since we aren't adoptive parents, we are only fostering right now, there are some big differences, but this movie was much more impactful to us than it would have if we weren't in our current situation.

Being foster parents, Joseph and I have discovered hardships we never even dreamed of. When you bring these children into your home, you adopt all their trauma...and their entire past becomes part of your life. There is no escaping it.

 Saroo was a beautiful experience for John and Sue.  From the moment they brought him home, he was obedient and good-natured. They both bond very quickly with Saroo. But everything changes for the Brierley's when they decide two years later to adopt another boy, Mantosh, from India .

The scene where they bring Mantosh home and introduce him to Saroo has a completely different tone. Mantosh has frequent violent emotional melt-downs, screaming, flailing, and smacking himself. This realization is horrifying to Sue and John. This kind of trauma was not what they expected, especially after their first adoption seemed to be such a happy placement. Sue struggles to remain her natural cheery self. The energy required to care for Mantosh is an exhausting battle day after day that almost drains the life out of her.

Watching this scene filled me with emotion.  I turned to my husband who related instantly too. He looked at me and lovingly squeezed my hand. Tears rolled down my face and I whispered to him, "It's so real. I get this, Joseph. I totally get her pain."
"I know you do." He said, squeezing my hand tighter, "I know."

When Saroo grows older, memories from his past begin to haunt him and he can't let it go until he gets the questions plaguing his mind answered. His emotional state deteriorates in the journey, worrying his adoptive parents greatly.  He apologizes deeply to Sue, "I'm sorry... but you've adopted my past."

Oh, the lives of these children! So few realize the horrors they have experienced, how it plays out and affects everyone in their lives in so many varied ways.  So few realize the energy it takes to help them heal from it all. But someone has to help them heal!

This movie, based on a true story, does an excellent job of creating new insights about adoption... yet, it's still a movie: There's only so much that can be fit into the film, only so much that can be told.  There is so much more behind the scenes and between the lines.

Still though, if you haven't seen Lion -- go!

-Alicia