Feels more like falling...

Today was a little rough. Actually, this past week has been more rough than usual. (And that's saying something) I think I've been feeling a little guilty for the time it takes to care for the foster kids and I worry that my biological children feel slighted or pushed off to the side. I had a team meeting on Monday, my foster son's school performance on Tuesday, a DSFS evaluation for two hours on Wednesday, and they've just increased the required parent visits to a total of four hours a week, plus preschool with mom so she can receive parental training with her own daughter which adds up to an additional 9 hours a week.

Now, I get that more parent/child time is needed since the end goal is to reunite these kids with their biological family but it makes the foster kids more emotional, more confused, more difficult to redirect.

I've been so concerned about making sure my own biological children don't feel neglected as I try to work through these issues with the fosters. I've forced myself to stay up past midnight several nights in a row because that's the only time I'll get to just scratch their backs one by one and talk to the children.

I asked some questions on our support group page and immediately a whole bunch of other foster parents chimed in to give their encouragement and validation.  

A foster mom related, "One thing that one of my bio children said to me this past summer was, 'You don't know what it's like to share your mom with someone else!' Until that point, I didn't understand her frustration, now I am very careful with how much time is spent with each bio/adopted and foster children. It is a very fine line to walk so that your own children do not build resentment towards you. Foster Care is the hardest thing I have done in my life.  

Dozens of comments came back where I knew I had a community who understood my concerns completely.  

A couple of comments were a little more light-hearted like this one from a foster dad, 

"We thought that as long as the foster kids were little, and younger than our bio kids, then there would be no problems. Bwahahahahaha!"

Others shared ideas of how to unify our family and nourish each relationship, to help create bonds with the bios and the fosters. I'm excited to try some of the ideas. 

One particular woman's comments were so great that I had to visit her profile page.  There, I discovered this cool photo I have displayed at the top of this post: "Sometime's you gotta fall before you fly."

*Sigh* - Jumping in with both feet can be a little scary.... It's the story of my life though.

"Courage is not the absence of fear; it is the ability to act in spite of it." - anonymous 

-Alicia

Shooting Star

My foster daughter has regular hour-long, sometimes two hour-long, melt-downs every morning. She doesn't like to go to the bathroom or get dressed: She knows how to do it perfectly well on her own but it's always a power-struggle. Sometimes, she'll have several of these a day.  She is used to a life with absolutely no rules and no boundaries whatsoever... so any correction, any asking her to wait, or any form of giving her instruction usually sends her flying into a full scale fit of rage. It's interesting, because in middle of her kicking, scratching and flailing, she screams at the top of her lungs, "I want you, Alicia!!  I want you!!"

This desperate display of such  contrasting desires goes on in most foster children: At the very same time they are acting out in horrible violent behavior, they are also pleading and begging for loving, affectionate physical reassurance... And let me tell you, it is the hardest thing to give in those moments.

For the past few weeks, our foster son has also had an increase of "tantrums"--displaying the same kinds of pushing away and pulling us in. He has started to lay around more, sitting and sulking about what is required in order to be able to play video games. He fights against every rule of our home--stomping, sassing, slamming, protesting... and seconds later he wants a big huge bear hug.

We were told about this common push/pull behavior from other foster parents, just didn't realize how extreme it would be and how hard to recover from.

I was pretty worn out after his tantrum last night and her morning melt-down today.

However, I feel the Lord blessed me with a compassion beyond my own ability.  After she finally got dressed, I scooped up my screaming foster daughter and held her until she relaxed in my arms. I leaned up against the bedroom wall and slid my tired body to the floor, continuing to just hold her. She wrapped her arms around me and tucked her head deep into my shoulder completely silent.  After about ten minutes, she pulled back to look at my face.  I sighed wearily, "Sweetheart, you need to learn to relax and not panic so quickly. You know how to do these things. Please don't throw such a fit about it." She flopped back onto my shoulder again.  It must be so hard for her to live in such a different environment.

Later, I found some little activities to take my foster daughter's mind off of her anxieties and also give me some space.  After I could see she was content and calm, I walked down the hall and found Kaylee playing this song on the blue tooth, "Shooting Star" by, Owl City. I took a deep breath and listened closely. I don't think I had ever heard it before.  I liked the lyrics and asked her to play it again.

We're going to get through this. "Fill the darkest night with a brilliant light."
I think this will be my song for the day.

-Alicia

March Fourth

Today is the one day out of the year that gives us encouragement right there in its name.  So that's my message for today, March Forth! No matter what you might be going through, no matter how battered or weary you may feel, don't quit, don't lose faith, stay true to your loved ones, stay true to the Savior, and it will all work out.

To go along with the message of this day, I encourage you to listen to this talk by Elder Holland, However Long and Hard the Road.

"Brethren [and sisters], shall we not go on in so great a cause? Go forward and not backward. Courage, brethren; and on, on to the victory!" - Joseph Smith

-Alicia

"And Mary said..." - Ponderize - Week 61

In our church, we use the phrase "magnify the Lord in your calling" quite a bit.  I've been thinking what it means to magnify the Lord.  All too often, we might think this means exhausting ourselves to do more, be more, to run "faster than we have strength" in order to magnify our calling but we forget "the Lord" part.

In Luke 1:46, Mary, the mother of Christ said, "My soul doth magnify the Lord."

What does it mean to magnify something? It means to increase, extend, expand, intensify. 

If it is the Lord that is the one that is magnified first in our heart and mind then He becomes bigger, stronger, more powerful than the other things that may try to consume us... like our fears, our weaknesses, our anxieties, our doubts, and even our foolish pride.  

The problems and struggles we face may seem Goliath in size, but when our soul magnifies the Lord,  we see that God is bigger than any obstacle. With this knowledge, we can do as David did: We will "hasten and [run] toward" those giants, with full confidence that we "come to [our problems] in the name of the Lord of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel" so "that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel." (1 Samuel 17:45, 46 & 48)

Through a vision that daily recognizes and embraces the all-consuming presence and power of God, we see that God is greater, He's stronger, He is more powerful than any troubles we face, and we will come off conquerors!! With God, we need not fear.   

-Alicia

Magnify

by, We Are Messengers

No Turning Back!

I never did end up serving a full-time mission but I imagine that many missionaries experience moments where they just want to go home, they want things to be the way they once were, in a place among people who speak their language, and where they are completely comfortable.

What if you were called to serve in an area where you felt like nothing you did made a difference, where the people rejected you, were mean to you, even when you tried to help them, nothing but hundreds of doors slammed in your face? Of course you would have moments where you wanted to go home.

I tried to use this analogy with Kaylee tonight as I laid in bed with her, scratching her back. She was relaxed with my body next to hers but her thoughts were still reflective. Today wasn't easy. Our foster daughter has a little problem with punching, scratching, and kicking others (all behaviors which are strictly forbidden in our family).  We're working on things, it will just take some training but Kaylee had a few wounds that were proof of the struggle today with her new "younger sibling."
She sighed and whispered, "Mom, I don't want to be a foster family anymore.  I just want our family."
I squeezed her tightly and kissed her head, "Honey, I know how you feel and it's okay to have those feelings. You are doing a wonderful job though! You've been so patient, and you're setting such a good example. Our foster kids will learn, we need to give them time."

I reminded her of her cousins who completed their full-time missions this year,
"Kaylee, what if Dane or Bryson decided that the place they were called to was just too hard? I'm sure there were many times they felt that way.  What if when things were rough, they quit and said, 'That's it! I'm going home!' Things weren't always easy but they stayed and finished their missions right up to the end."

She didn't respond to my question but her expression showed that she understood. "Sweetheart," I continued, "We've been called on a mission just like your cousins. Heavenly Father has asked us to serve in this place and with these specific children. We can't quit. We've got to stay here doing this work as long as God needs us to. Not all the moments are bad. We've had lots of good moments with these kids too."
My words seemed to click with her and her expression was more hopeful.

There really is no turning back. We've got to keep moving forward!!

I pray these experiences will become quite beneficial for my children as they face any uncomfortable calling or difficult task in the future:  college, a full-time mission, marriage, or raising their own children. I pray these experiences will teach them to learn the virtue of perseverance forged through faith. If it is a mission that God has called us to (and I know it is), then we can keep moving forward in total confidence and trust.  Everything is going to work out and we'll be better for it.

-Alicia

No Turning Back

Dear Alexa - August 27th, 2016

Dear Alexa,

Names are always interesting to me.  I love to look up names and search for their origin or meaning.  To me, it can be a source of direction in life.

Alexa is a female form of Alexander, and is sometimes also a short form of Alexandra, both of which come from the Greek, Alexandros. It can be broken down into alexo meaning "to defend" and ander, meaning "man"' making both Alexa and Alexander mean defender of man.

Today as you enter the waters of Baptism you are entering a covenant to take upon yourself a new name.  That new name is Jesus Christ.

For "There is no other name given whereby salvation cometh; therefore, I would that ye should take upon you the name of Christ, all you that have entered into the covenant with God that ye should be obedient unto the end of your lives." (Mosiah 5:8)

And what does Christ's name mean?  

To me it means; Savior, Friend, Redeemer, Helper, Counselor, Light, Truth, Love, Kindness, Compassion, Virtue, Purity, Integrity, Honor, Holiness, Complete and Utter Selflessness, Hope, Grace, Joy, Healer, Forgiveness, The Way Through, The Way Back, The Way Home

Alexa, all your life, since you were very little, you have desired with your whole heart for pure and honest truth, to surround yourself with purity, goodness, and virtue.  Do you remember a couple years ago the summer before school started we had that discussion about the friends we choose and how you ached so much and longed to find friends who you could share these deep desires with, friends you could have spiritual discussions with, and talk about the fuller and richer meaning of life?  Do you remember how you prayed with all your heart for this?  Do you remember the Priesthood Blessing Joseph gave you before that school year?  And do you remember how things unfolded and the new people that miraculously came into your life?  These were the friends and the people you and I and grandma and grandpa had been praying for.  The way your life aligned with these new friends was not a coincidence.  Through this experience, you witnessed a very real and personal Father in Heaven who answered your deep and heart-felt prayer.

President Spencer W. Kimball taught: “God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs. Therefore, it is vital that we serve each other.”

And just as much as these friends were an answer to your prayers.  I am confident that you were an answer to theirs.  

Do you remember when you were nervous to take seminary because you were afraid you didn't have enough gospel knowledge or that because you weren't a member, you were afraid you might embarrass yourself or stand out too much? 

 Do you remember what I said?  

I said, "Alexa, you have no idea how much those other students in Seminary will need you.  You WILL stand out, of that I'm sure!  You will stand out because you will be the girl who goes to Seminary without having to be told to, you'll go because you WANT to, because you CHOOSE to... even when you face strong opposition and opinions from others that tell you going to church and seminary is nonsense, that it's foolish, and that you could occupy yourself with better things. Your friends in Seminary will need you not because you are a gospel scholar or have all the answers but because you will be an example to them of immense courage and powerful faith.  You will be a bright light and a beautiful example to them."

Alexa, you have been living with the name of Christ on your heart all of your life, even when you didn't realize it.  But now this sacred ordinance is eternally binding and you are proving to God through covenant and Priesthood authority, which will make His name much powerful in your life.  

Before I close my talk, I want to share one more thought about your name.  Your middle name, "Lee" means something very significant, it means "Shelter"  Why would this be important? Well if "Alexo" or "Alexa" means "Defender" then "Alexa Lee" means  "Defender of the Shelter" I'll explain why that's significant:

The Prophet, Isaiah, speaks of a shelter in reference to the House of the Lord, to the Temple, "And there shall be a tabernacle for a shadow in the daytime from the heat, and for a place of refuge, and for a covert (or shelter) from storm and from rain." - Isaiah 4:6

Baptism is the gate that leads you to that beautiful home away from Home (spelled with a capital H).  There are many in the world who mock the work that goes on in the temple, many who do not understand the sacredness and beauty of how and why we do what we do there. I suppose  someone who has never witnessed a graduation ceremony with processions, robes,caps, and gowns, (you know... ceremonial things we don't see every day) they might find it somewhat strange... 

but we are so used to graduation ceremonies in our culture that we don't even bat an eyelash at them.  The robe, cap, and gown are all symbols of victory and honor.  It's a beautiful thing.  

To be honest, I didn't understand the temple when I first went through but I have gone hundreds of times since and I can stand here and say with all my heart that I love temple. the ordinances, the ceremonies performed, the covenants, the promises pronounced on my head, I love it all!! The temple is my refuge, my safe place, my "shelter" from the storm.

So when you see or hear your name "Alexa Lee"  I want you to think of it as "Defender of the Shelter" or "Defender of the Temple."  You will have plenty of voices and forces that would oppose you and the Temple, many who don't understand that would keep you from this most beautiful place.  But do not let them.  It will never be popular. But it's not about popularity, it's about PURPOSE.   Be strong Alexa Lee, and always defend it.  Defend it by the way you live, by the words you speak, by the example you set, and the choices you make. Renew your covenants you make today each Sunday with the Sacrament.  

Someday, when you build your family, you will strive to make a sacred place within the walls of your own home, your place of shelter.  You will be key in setting the tone of the Spirituality level for your children.  A loving family unit centered on gospel principles is a very real shelter in any community, any place that it is established in the world. Let Alexa Lee also mean "Defender of the Family".

Be the light you have always been but now go forward shining even brighter, more boldly and more confidently, because heaven and earth know and it is recorded in the eternities that you are committed through covenant and endowed with Priesthood power.

Make diligent scripture study, sincere heart-felt prayer, and journal writing  part of your every day life and you will never have to walk in darkness.

I love you Alexa.  I love this gospel.  What you are doing is right.  I know it is true forever and always!

Bless you for your courage, for your faith, we are all cheering you on here today and so are thousands upon thousands of unseen angels.

"Press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life."- 2 Nephi 31:20

Love,

Alicia

Fight the Good Fight

Kaylee has a favorite song that she loves to listen to.  Often I'll catch her lip-syncing to it in front of the full-length mirror.  She's the only one of my children who loves singing and dancing... go figure.  Any hint of me starting to bust-a-move or break out in song, my older kids will shut me down in seconds.  I still do it behind their backs anyway.  Secretly, I know they want to join in.

Kaylee and I had a nice mother-daughter bonding moment belting this song out together.  I know it's probably not written with any kind of Christian meaning but I really like to think of it in the context of 2 Timothy 4:7.

"Fight Song"

by, Rachel Platten

Like a small boat

On the ocean

Sending big waves

Into motion

Like how a single word

Can make a heart open

I might only have one match

But I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say

Wrecking balls inside my brain

I will scream them loud tonight

Can you hear my voice this time?

This is my fight song

Take back my life song

Prove I'm alright song

My power's turned on

Starting right now I'll be strong

I'll play my fight song

And I don't really care if nobody else believes

'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep

Everybody's worried about me

In too deep

Say I'm in too deep 

And it's been two years

I miss my home

But there's a fire burning in my bones

Still believe

Yeah, I still believe

Like a small boat

On the ocean

Sending big waves

Into motion

Like how a single word

Can make a heart open

I might only have one match

But I can make an explosion

This is my fight song 

Take back my life song 

Prove I'm alright song 

My power's turned on

Starting right now I'll be strong 

I'll play my fight song

And I don't really care if nobody else believes

'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

No I've still got a lot of fight left in me

-Alicia

P.S.  Whenever I sing or dance with Kaylee, I'm reminded of this video four years ago when she was obsessed with Imagine Dragons.  Her passion is adorable!  She especially loved this group because, at the time, two of the band players were her Primary Teachers.  So cool!  :)

Persecution, Deliverance, Faith, and LOVE

 My friend, who is also our Realtor, texted me Friday morning and asked for our Landlady's phone number. Her text read, "Alicia, I was thinking... what if I called your Landlady and tried to convince her to allow you month-to-month rent so you have more time to search for a home."
I texted her back both of our Landlady's numbers and gratefully replied, "This should be fabulously interesting.  I'm not sure how it's going to work but it's worth a shot. Thank you!"
"Ok, I'll call her right now and I let you know how it goes." she replied.
 My Realtor called me back about 20 minutes later and it was just as I feared.  She sounded very disappointed and explained, "Oh Alicia, I'm so sorry.  I really thought I could persuade her.  Instead, she was extremely offended by my phone call.  She cut me off, became very agitated, and wouldn't let me talk.  I'm so sorry.  It didn't go well at all."
It wasn't much of a surprise to me though. Either way , I was so grateful for her valiant effort.

Later that day, we packed up our van to drive up the canyon and spend the evening at our ward family camp out.  It was so good to get away from all the boxes in my home that serve as constant reminders of our exodus.

The campsite was beautiful and the atmosphere invigorating.  We visited with our dear friends and had conversations while roasting marshmallows around the campfire.  We gazed at the stars, ate great food, listened to stories of courage and faith, and enjoyed a super corny skit... and I mean SUPER corny! Everything was so much fun.

But of course... my two most favorite things of the night was the dancing and singing:

The Dancing:
Our counselor to our bishop hooked up some music and taught all of us the Virginia Reel.  It was a riot!  I think the reason I loved it so much was because everyone was involved, it felt wonderfully unifying dancing as a whole team.

And Singing:
A couple of guys brought their guitars and I was so glad they did because sitting around a campfire while singing to the strum of a guitar is one of those things in life that absolutely sets my spirit soaring!!  (And after all that my family's been going through, I really needed something to lift my soul.) Shout out to Space Oddity, it was perfect, absolutely perfect!

That night, after all was silent through the camp and everyone was asleep, I laid awake for what felt like hours reflecting on the wonderful evening we all had and the beautiful memory we just made with the dear friends who I've come to love so very much.  Every time I thought of our forced move, a sting of pain would shoot my heart.  My whole soul, spirit, mind, and body wants to stay with this ward!  I quickly attempted to push the thoughts about leaving aside. I didn't want to travel back down the mountain in the morning, back to the boxes and the packing.

I remembered how my Realtor tried to plead our cause and how nothing she said to our Landlady seemed to penetrate her heart.  As I wondered about our situation and how we were going to manage living out of a trailer for a while I had the thought, "Alicia, have hope. You can't see and you don't know what is working on your Landlady's heart at this very moment.  Maybe what your Realtor said to her really did settle in."  I prayed that it did.  I prayed that she was being softened and that when we arrived back home the next day, there would be some form of deliverance or good news waiting for us.

The next morning, I woke early and helped get the fire started.  We had a wonderful breakfast, visited a little longer, and played a few games before everyone started taking down their tents and hauling off.  I didn't want to leave.  Oh, how I wished it could have been for two nights... or three... or four.

We drove home.  I had such a great time with our ward family that I had almost forgotten about my prayer for deliverance until...  there it was when we pulled into the complex, it was taped to our door: a notice from our Landlady granting us ability to rent month-to-month until we are under contract with a home to buy.  It was a miracle, a tender mercy!  Now we don't need to feel so rushed.  We can take our time and really search.  It gives me more confidence that we will find the right place for us and our growing family.  I am blessed.

-Alicia

If It Gets Me Convicted

I woke up the other day with this song playing over in my head.  It's one of those where the tune didn't grab me right away but I instantly loved the lyrics.

"Guilty"

by, Newsboys

When did it become breaking a rule

To say your name out loud in school

When your names the only one that sets us free

When did it become incorrect

To speak the truth about life and death

When your life gave us all eternity

Even if it gets me convicted

I'll be on my knees with my hands lifted

If serving you's against the law of man

If living out my faith in you is banned

Then I'll stand right before the jury

If saying I believe is out of line

If I'm judged cause I'm gonna give my life

To show the world the love that fills me

Then I want to be Guilty

I'll rise up and honor you

I'll testify to all the good you do

Cause your Grace and your Mercy have overtaken me

 I want to be Guilty by association

Guilty of being a voice proclaiming Your ways

Your truth

Your life

I'll pay the price to be your light

Then I want to be Guilty by association

Guilty of being a voice proclaiming Your ways

Your truth

Your life

I'll pay the price to be your light

Oh I want to be Guilty

When we choose to follow Christ, we do not follow the popular crowd.  Think of all the martyrs, all those prophets and apostles who have gone before!!  When have they ever been applauded, appreciated, respected, or admired by the mainstream of society?? 

In our scripture study with the children, we discussed how real these persecutions are today.  I told them of the time President Hunter was threatened with a bomb when speaking at a BYU Fireside and how the congregation courageously stood and sang, "We Thank Thee O' God for a Prophet."  Tears welled up in my eyes and I testified to my kids that there is no doubt they will have opportunities to display this kind of conviction and faith.  I expressed my confidence in them, I know they will stand strong no matter the cost and that they will be a light and a beacon in a very darkening world.  

 In our ward Book of Mormon study today, we read the story of Abinidi.  In these last days, I can't help but feel we need to do all we can to strengthen and fortify our faith.  I believe it's going to get rough for us.  We will need to seek courage like Abinidi, stand with the prophets, and "stand as a witness of God, at all times, in all things, and in all places, even until death." (Mosiah 18:9)

 This is the courage we must cultivate and it starts with speaking up and speaking out, especially to those within our stewardship.  It is not about maintaining popularity, forget popularity! (Isaiah 2:22)  It's about what is right and true!

When I think of how boldly Abinidi stood before the court, I think of this incredible story Parley P. Pratt told about Joseph Smith:

“We had lain as if in sleep till the hour of midnight had passed, and our ears and hearts had been pained, while we had listened for hours to the obscene jests, the horrid oaths, the dreadful blasphemies and filthy language of our guards.”

 Elder Pratt Continued:

“I had listened till I became so disgusted, shocked, horrified, and so filled with the spirit of indignant justice that I could scarcely refrain from rising upon my feet and rebuking the guards; but [I] had said nothing to Joseph, or any one else, although I lay next to him and knew he was awake. On a sudden he arose to his feet, and spoke in a voice of thunder, or as the roaring lion, uttering, as near as I can recollect, the following words:

“‘SILENCE. … In the name of Jesus Christ I rebuke you, and command you to be still; I will not live another minute and hear such language. Cease such talk, or you or I die THIS INSTANT!’”

Joseph “stood erect in terrible majesty,” as described by Elder Pratt. He was chained, without a weapon, and yet he was calm and dignified. He looked down upon the quailing guards, who were shrinking into a corner or crouching at his feet. These seemingly incorrigible men begged his pardon and remained quiet. [See Autobiography of Parley P. Pratt, ed. Parley P. Pratt Jr. (1938), 210–11.]

This is courage! This is majesty!  This is honor!
The truth is always worth standing for, even if it means we stand alone.
-Alicia

http://artofchristianity.blogspot.com/2008/02/please-pray-for-our-country.html
http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/elder-christofferson-religious-freedom-under-fire

Ground Control to Major Tom

 "I wanted to tell you, that song 'Major Tom'... 

That song is about courage and going into the unknown. It's a cool song." 

- Cheryl Melhoff

I love the movie Walter Mitty with Ben Stiller.  There's something so familiar to me about how Cheryl's influence transforms Walter.  She awakens him to everything his soul has ever wanted to be.  Because of her confidence in him, his heart burns with a new-found courage to step out into the unknown, run after his dreams and jump with both feet into a world of endless possibilities.

There are so many changes ahead, we really don't know what to expect but we're determined to be ready for whatever comes our way!

We just purchased this new van...  and guess what I've named him??
It's going to take a couple of months for the specialized license plate to be made but I'm super excited.

It's a twelve-seater.  It will be perfect for when we get our two foster children with plenty of room to spare.  It was $20,000 with only 7,000 miles! We took it to two different mechanics before we purchased and they both said the engine was brand-spankin' new!  We feel very fortunate to have found it.  We were very prayerful and spent a lot of time searching and waiting for the right vehicle.  One of the selling points for us was to buy something that would not only bless our family in need but would aslo be a tool for serving and helping others.  I know it will be.

I really like the name, "Major Tom".  It makes me think of the movie, Mitty, and the power of Cheryl's influence.  Plus, it kinda looks like a space shuttle (if you squint).

"Commencing countdown, 

Engines on

Check ignition 

And may God's love be with you"

-Alicia

Reaching for the Stars!

What is my intent?

Two of my favorite quotes by Martin Luther King are these:

 "Let no man pull you low enough to hate him."

and

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. 

Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”

One of my assignments these past two days has been to read Martin Luther King's Letter from Birmingham Jail.  He was imprisoned on Good Friday, April 12, 1963.  The letter was written over the next four days and speaks volumes about this incredible man's character in the face of so much persecution and opposition.  I'm deeply impressed to see how civilly and charitably he chose his words to his oppressors.  This was a man who truly understood christian courage.  In my mind, he ranks among the "noble and great ones".

Because my scripture studies this past week focused on the final days of Christ's life and the things He taught before He was crucified, it has caused me to pay particular attention to what was happening in 1963.

The parallel is this:  The segregation laws in Birmingham were unjust for they claimed to be what was best for the community as a whole "to keep the peace" but were really enforced to justify sin.  In his letter Martin Luther King makes the distinction, "How does one determine whether a law is just or unjust? A just law is a man made code that squares with the moral law or the law of God. An unjust law is a code that is out of harmony with the moral law." Wasn't that why the Sadducees and Pharisees hated Christ?  The Savior's teachings were an open threat to their immoral way of life and exposed their hypocritical laws.  These were men who liked to boast of their great knowledge of scripture, they stood on the street corners teaching in a form of righteousness to "appear holy" with the intent to obtain monetary, religious, or social acceptance yet inside, they were "full of dead men's bones".

Martin Luther King wrote, "I have tried to make clear that it is wrong to use immoral means to attain moral ends.  But now I must affirm that it is just as wrong, or perhaps even more so to use moral means [obedience to law] to preserve immoral ends... As T.S. Eliot has said: 'The last temptation is the greatest treason: To do the right deed for the wrong reason.'"

This is a penetrating statement, a compelling thought, that causes me to evaluate my own deeds.  I have to ask as myself in every action or re-action, "What is my intent?"  One of the steps in Dr. King's campaign was "self-purification."  This is the same call our Savior gives us, to first "cleanse the inner vessel."

There is so much to think about.  All that I give, all that I share, all that I say, and all that I do will be fruitless, meaningless, and hollow if my intentions are not in the right place and if I don't maintain a spirit of love for my enemies.

I'm grateful for inspired writings of truth wherever they are found, writings that cause me to reflect, to have a change of perspective, and invite me to evaluate my own choices... for I have so much to learn. :)

-Alicia

"Oh Lord, my heart..."

I went to another cottage meeting last night about Comprehensive Sex Education.  My friend Kim, who is an assistant to the president of Family Watch International, spoke again.  They're still in the process of finalizing their documentary and have one more interview from World Congress that remains to be included.  The information is 100% accurate.  I've done my own homework in this and have spent countless hours pouring over and reading through the organizations I learned about at the United Nations last year: Planned Parenthood, International Planned Parenthood Federation, Sexuality Info and Education Council of the United States, United Nations Population Fund and others. The research of Alfred Kinsey, the father of the sexual rights movement, is more painful than my heart can take.  Three-hundred-seventy-one children from ages five months to thirteen years were "experimented" upon, sexually molested and raped in the name of science.  And the curriculum coming out of these organizations strongly tied to this man is approached the same way a pedophile seeks to gain the trust of their victims. It's terribly, terribly sickening.

I got in my car last night and just sobbed for these children.  How could Alfred Kinsey have gotten away with what he did?!... And not only gotten away with it... but how did these organizations who supported him and his research make it off the ground and WHY are they still thriving?

This morning during my scripture study,  I read the verses I've been ponderizing for this week and then opened to where we are reading as a family.  The music of  Paul Cardall, "Gracie's Theme" and "I am a Child of God" played in the background as I read Alma 31: 30-33.  I thought of the innocent who have suffered and continue to suffer and I could not hold back the tears.

O Lord God, how long wilt thou suffer that such wickedness and infidelity shall be among this people? O Lord, wilt thou give me strength, that I may bear with mine infirmities. For I am infirm, and such wickedness among this people doth pain my soul.

 O Lord, my heart is exceedingly sorrowful; wilt thou comfort my soul in Christ. O Lord, wilt thou grant unto me that I may have strength, that I may suffer with patience these afflictions which shall come upon me, because of the iniquity of this people.

 O Lord, wilt thou comfort my soul, and give unto me success, and also my fellow laborers who are with me.... yea, even all these wilt thou comfort, O Lord. Yea, wilt thou comfort their souls in Christ.

 Wilt thou grant unto them that they may have strength, that they may bear their afflictions which shall come upon them because of the iniquities of this people. - Alma 31: 30-33

My husband walked into the kitchen and greeted me with a morning kiss.  He could see I had been crying and asked with concern what was wrong.  "The children... I'm just thinking about the children." I answered.  "It's hard for me to see that documentary again from Family Watch and to know what the Enemy is doing."  He hugged me understandingly and we discussed for some time about these last days and the hope we find in our Savior.  I pray for greater strength to fight these battles.  I need a strong heart for my soul at this time is in anguish.

-Alicia

"Not Distressed" - Ponderize - Week 21

I had the opportunity to talk with a young woman from my ward this morning who will be moving away soon.  She told me how much she doesn't want to leave and how frightened she is to start over. "Change can be so hard." I related to her as I remembered June of 1990 - It was the first time I had ever moved to a new place.  I was terrified. But looking back, it ended up being a huge blessing.  It lead me to the right seminary teachers, the right young women's leaders, the right friends, the right everything that I needed as an anchor through some of the most difficult and stormy days I would face in my family. The Lord knew the best place for me to be.

I could see the worry on my young friend's face as I looked her in the eyes.
"Can I show you something?" I asked.
She nodded approvingly.
I opened up the Old Testament and pointed to this verse:
"They that sow in tears shall reap in joy."- Psalms 126:5
She read the words and looked back at me waiting for an explanation.
"Whenever I've reached different crossroads or approached big changes in my life... almost everything I was worried about never ended up happening or it never turned out as bad as I thought it would.  In fact, some of the most beautiful things in my 'garden of life' have come from those things that brought the most pain and I'm actually grateful for them now.  Like rain is to soil, any tears you cry will help seeds of joy to eventually grow."
She swallowed back the emotions beginning to surface and nodded again.  I could see she wanted to believe it.
I hugged her with assurance, letting her know of good things to come.  I testified of the Lord's love and guidance.

"Joy"- That's where I started my studies off this morning.  It lead me to some verses in the New Testament which I think will be the ones I ponderize this week:

"For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us. We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed; Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body." 2 Corinthians 4:6-10

I searched through some talks related to this scripture and found an excellent one given in October of 2002 by, Neal A. Maxwell.  (I highly recommend listening to the entire sermon, it's beautiful!)

"Regarding trials, including of our faith and patience, there are no exemptions—only variations (see Mosiah 23:21). These calisthenics are designed to increase our capacity for happiness and service. Yet the faithful will not be totally immune from the events on this planet. Thus the courageous attitudes of imperiled Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego are worthy of emulation. They knew that God could rescue them. “But if not,” they vowed, they would still serve God anyway (see Dan. 3:16–18). Similarly, keeping the unfashionable but imperative first and seventh commandments can reflect the courage which three young women displayed anciently; they said no with their lives (see Abr. 1:11).

Therefore, we can be troubled on every side, but nothing can really separate us from the love of Christ (see 2 Cor. 4:8; Rom. 8:35–39); worldly anxieties are not part of being 'anxiously engaged' (D&C 58:27). Even so, as Peter urged, we can and should cast our cares upon the Lord, because He surely cares for us! (see 1 Pet. 5:7). Oh, brothers and sisters, the awaiting emancipation of such trusting surrender!" - Neal A. Maxwell Encircled in the Arms of His Love

"Whatever will come our way

Through fire or pouring rain

We won't be shaken

Whatever tomorrow brings

Together we'll rise and sing

That we won't be shaken"

by, Building 429

- Alicia :)

The Unmaking

Yesterday, I spent some time again listening to "God is the Gardner." Whenever I struggle to understand the moments in life that "cut me back" or cause my heart to ache, I appreciate the truths  found in these words:

"God is aware of you individually. He knows who you are and what you are, and, furthermore, He knows what you are capable of becoming. Be not discouraged, then, if you do not get all the things you want just when you want them. Have the courage to go on and face your life and, if necessary, reverse it to bring it into harmony with His law...  someday, when you are ripened in life, you are going to shout back across the time and say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me.’" 

- Hugh B. Brown "God is the Gardener"

As I walked up to campus this afternoon, I scrolled through my Spotify songs to select a new favorite called, "The Unmaking". Listening to the lyrics, I couldn't help reflect on Hugh B. Brown's talk.  I felt the words to this song fit the principle of trusting in God's bigger picture.

I can't deny the hurt associated with being "cut down" or held back especially when it feels as if it goes against everything in my nature.  Denying such pain would be lying to myself.  Maybe I held my dreams too tightly? (or at least my interpretation of them...) Maybe as I stand back and lift my hands in surrender, my Father in Heaven will show me things I couldn't see before... At the ending is also a new beginning... and I'm learning that true beauty is found in the breaking. 

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing" - Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4-5

God has His purposes and His seasons... and I trust Him, so I won't complain.  I praise Him for His infinite wisdom, even when it hurts.

"The Unmaking"

by, Nichole Nordeman

"This is the unmaking

The beauty and the breaking

Had to lose myself to find out who You are

Before each beginning

There must be an ending

Sitting in the rubble

I can see the stars

This is the unmaking

This is the unmaking

The longer and the tighter that we hold

Only makes it harder to let go

Love will not stay locked inside

A steeple or a tower high

Only when we're broken are we whole"

"I had to lose myself

To find out who You are"

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.” - C.S. Lewis

-Alicia
Trying to be Good

A Marvelous Father

Yesterday, I had the privilege of attending the homecoming of my nephew, Dane.  What a solid, good, and pure young man!  I'm so incredibly proud of him.  He's such a naturally righteous soul: timid like a lamb on the outside but roaring like a lion with bold testimony on the inside.  Once, I asked his mother the secret to raising such an amazing kid.  She shook her head at me with surprise, "Alicia, you have no idea... honestly, he came that way.  He is unlike any other, I've never had a child so naturally obedient." I thought to myself, "She's been blessed with a 'Nephi.'"

The messages in Sacrament meeting yesterday were beautiful; centered on charity, the pure love of Christ.  Then Nephi... I mean Dane, concluded his testimony of miracles and angels (both seen and unseen.) I smiled.

In Sunday school we discussed 1 Nephi 8 and the Tree of Life and in Relief Society we learned about the Kingdom of God established on earth as it is in Heaven.  

I took mental note of the talk referenced in Sunday school by Robert D. Hales entitled, "With all the Feeling of a Tender Parent." Still thinking of my sister-in-law's comment and the varying dispositions of our children... what about Lehi's children?  What a contrast between Nephi and his brothers! How much did this affect the emotions of their father?

• "The hymn often sung by our pioneer ancestors tells us what to do: “Gird up your loins; fresh courage take. / Our God will never us forsake.”  That courage and faith is what we need as parents and families in these latter days.
• Father Lehi had such courage. He loved his family and rejoiced that some of his children kept the Lord’s commandments. But he must have been heartbroken when his sons “Laman and Lemuel partook not of the fruit” representing the love of God. “He exceedingly feared for [them]; yea, he feared lest they should be cast off from the presence of the Lord.” - Elder Robert D. Hales

Lehi was an incredible father; devoted, loving, and true to the Faith!! Some of his children chose to follow his counsel and others refused.  In all of his ups and downs, joys and heartache... I can't help but wonder if he ever just needed some affirmation for his valiant efforts, some reassurance that he was a good father, a marvelous father, regardless of the choices his children were making. (If he lived down the street from me, I'd take a moment to tell him that.) ;)

• "Our worthiness will not be measured according to their righteousness. Lehi did not lose the blessing of feasting at the tree of life because Laman and Lemuel refused to partake of its fruit. Sometimes as parents we feel we have failed when our children make mistakes or stray. Parents are never failures when they do their best to love, teach, pray, and care for their children. Their faith, prayers, and efforts will be consecrated to the good of their children. "  - Elder Robert D. Hales

Also, if  Lehi were my neighbor, I think I'd encourage him with this too;

• "Remember, remember all the days of your [fatherhood]: 'Ye have not come thus far save it were by the word of Christ with unshaken faith in him, relying wholly upon the merits of him who is mighty to save.'
• Rely on Him. Rely on Him heavily. Rely on Him forever. And 'press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope.'  You are doing God’s work. You are doing it wonderfully well. He is blessing you and He will bless you, even—no, especially—when your days and your nights may be the most challenging." - Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

I offer my prayers for all those parents who strive so diligently to keep that brightness of hope alive in the midst of storms and pending gloom.  Keep shining!  Your light is seen by many and it warms their hearts... God will bless you for keeping that fire burning in your soul! It's beautiful!

-Alicia ;) 

Come Together

Organizing the inventory on the shelves in the back room of Sears shoe department was my responsibility when there were very few customers on the sales floor.  I was seventeen and though it wasn't the most exciting part-time work, it still gave me a paycheck.  I beat the boring doldrums in the backroom with my multi-cassette anthology album of The Beatles.  No doubt that when my headphones were in, I unknowingly serenaded a few passing customers to "Hey Jude."  I must have listened to that anthology a hundred times.  Something close to an obsession, I went through a phase of my own Beetle's mania.  Have you ever looked up the lyrics to "Come Together?" Yeah.... all this time, I've been singing it wrong.  I always wondered what it meant by, "hold you in his armchair or Morris Jumboo." (Those lyrics, even when they're sung right, never made sense anyway.)  Toe jam football?  Joo joo eyeballs?  Those guys were so high but I still loved them.

I seem to associate everything in life with music and for some reason, every time I hear a talk on unity or Zion, "Come Together" begins to play in my head (not exactly saturated with religious analogy, I know.) Even still, one morning, I thought it would make the perfect wake-up song to bring our kids out for family scripture study. so I turned on the living room speakers and I sang into the hall, "Come together, right now... and we'll read."  Don't try that at home, your kids will hate you forever.  (Just saying.) It was fun for me.

But speaking of coming together, of unity, and of studying scripture.  I've been thinking about the gathering that is happening in these last days.  Traveling to the United Nations and experiencing World Congress last year helped open my eyes to this incredible miracle that is happening right now.  People of all faiths and religions, Jews, Christians, and Muslims all working together to defend religious freedom and the family.

President Henry B. Eyring expounds on this principle:
"We see increased conflict between peoples in the world around us. Those divisions and differences could infect us. That is why my message of hope today is that a great day of unity is coming...

The Lord’s prophets have always called for unity. The need for that gift to be granted to us and the challenge to maintain it will grow greater in the days ahead, in which we will be prepared as a people for our glorious destiny....  
You have seen evidence, as I have, that we are moving toward becoming one. The miracle of unity is being granted to us as we pray and work for it in the Lord’s way. Our hearts will be knit together in unity. God has promised that blessing to His faithful Saints whatever their differences in background and whatever conflict rages around them. He was praying for us as well as His disciples when He asked His Father that we might be one. The reason that we pray and ask for that blessing is the same reason the Father is granting it. We know from experience that joy comes when we are blessed with unity."

Having our hearts and spirits knit together in purpose, in love, in light, and in truth is the way to joy.  I have experienced this for myself and know it to be true.
It's no coincidence to me that right smack in the middle of Lehi's and Nephi's vision of the Tree of Life, you find this verse, "And blessed are they who shall seek to bring forth my Zion at that day, for they shall have the gift and the power of the Holly ghost; and if they endure unto the end they shall be lifted up at the last day, and shall be saved in the everlasting kingdom of the Lamb; and whoso shall publish peace, yea, tidings of great joy, how beautiful upon the mountains shall they be." - 1 Nephi 13:37

No matter how fiery the trial that comes, no matter the struggle, no matter the midst of darkness or the persecution that settles around us, I pray my heart will never lose courage.  I pray I will keep the vision of hope alive, the vision of Zion and trust that "They that be with us are more than they that be with them." (2 Kings 6:16.)  
For "There is hope smiling brightly before us, and we know that deliverance is nigh." -Hymn 19

-Alicia

Praying for My Friend - Ponderize - Week 11

I believe in the power of prayer.  I believe that every time we approach the Lord with sincerity of heart that He hears us, even those things impressing on our mind that we can't seem to find the words for.  I trust in His great wisdom, and find comfort in the truth that He sees the bigger picture and knows what is best for us in every moment of our lives.  I know that "[I] cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, [He helps me to] be of good cheer, for [He] will lead [me] along." - D&C 78:18

Life is like a marathon that we are not meant to run alone so I believe the Lord places certain people in our lives who give us hope, people whose influence inspires us to keep going, to keep trying.

"Since we are what we are by the impacts of those who surround us, those who surround themselves with the highest will be those who change into the highest.  There are some men and some women in whose company we are always at our best.  While with them we cannot think mean thoughts or speak ungenerous words.  Their mere presence is elevation, purification, sanctity.... Friendship is a spiritual thing.  It is independent of matter, or space or time.  That which I love in my friend is not that which I see.  What influences me in my friend is not his body but his spirit.  He influences me about as much in his absence as in his presence." 
- Henry Drummond

We cheer each other on in our race most often through the channel of prayer. James encourages us, "Pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." - James 5:16

 I was reading a talk this morning from Elder Bednar about prayer.  He said, "Praying earnestly for others, both those whom we love and those who despitefully use us, is also an important element of meaningful prayer. Just as expressing gratitude more often in our prayers enlarges the conduit for revelation, so praying for others with all of the energy of our souls increases our capacity to hear and to heed the voice of the Lord." - Elder David A. Bednar, Pray Always

I trust the words of the Prophet James and Elder Bednar.  I have a friend who shoulders such heavy burdens that I wish with all my heart I could somehow carry it for him. Especially when he is the very friend who brought light back in my life, gave me hope, and helped me through a terribly difficult time.  If he only realized how deeply I pray for him.  I hope he knows that he doesn't always have to be strong.  No matter who we are or what our circumstances may be I think it's to be expected that we will stumble more when the load is heavier and it's possible we might become discouraged by the fact. But do not be dismayed.  President Uchtdorf encouraged the brethren in a recent priesthood session:

"Brethren, there may be times in our lives when rising up and continuing on may seem beyond our own ability. That day on a snow-covered slope, I learned something. Even when we think we cannot rise up, there is still hope. And sometimes we just need someone to look us in the eyes, take our hand, and say, 'You can do it now!'

We may think that women are more likely than men to have feelings of inadequacy and disappointment—that these feelings affect them more than us. I’m not sure that this is true. Men experience feelings of guilt, depression, and failure. We might pretend these feelings don’t bother us, but they do. We can feel so burdened by our failures and shortcomings that we begin to think we will never be able to succeed. We might even assume that because we have fallen before, falling is our destiny. As one writer put it, 'We beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.'

...Brethren, our destiny is not determined by the number of times we stumble but by the number of times we rise up, dust ourselves off, and move forward." -  President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, You Can Do It Now

This morning after my prayers, I opened up my scriptures to a place I already had bookmarked.  My eyes fell upon a couple of verses that I've decided to "ponderize" for week 11.

"My beloved [friend], I rejoice exceedingly that your Lord Jesus Christ hath been mindful of you, and hath called you to his ministry, and to his holy work.  I am mindful of you always in my prayers, continually praying unto God the Father in the name of his Holy Child, Jesus, that he, through his infinite goodness and grace, will keep you through the endurance of faith on his name to the end."- Moroni 8:2,3

-Alicia
"The Purest Love"

No Man Is An Island

by, Tenth Avenue North

I won't run, I will stay

I'm not leaving you

I know there's friction here

The struggle makes us new

I wish you never thought you had to go

Wish you never thought you had to leave

Together we can lift each other up

We can build a shelter for the weak

No man is an island, we can be found

No man is an island, let your guard down

You don't have to fight me, I am for you

We're not meant to live this life alone

I see fear in your eyes

There's no safety here

Oh, my friend, let me in

I will share your tears

I wish you never thought you had to go

I wish you never thought you had to leave

We can always lift each other up

We can build a shelter for the weak, come on

No man is an island, we can be found

No man is an island, let your guard down

Please don't try to fight me, I am for you

We're not meant to live this life alone

Through trouble, rain, or fire

Let's reach out to something higher

Ain't no life outside each other

We are not alone

Through trouble, rain, or fire

Let's reach out to something higher

Eyes open to one another

We are not alone

No man is alone

Why you try to fight me

We don't have to do it alone

We don't have to do it alone

We don't have to do it alone

Jonah's Grateful Prayer

I just finished reading Jonah chapter 2:  I'm impressed with the prayer Jonah gives while in the belly of a whale.  I like how he acknowledges the countless times God has heard his prayers.  He's in the dark, has no idea what will happen next and promises, "I will look again toward thy holy temple." He says that he will look there because when he was overwhelmed, encompassed about, and feeling dragged down, that was the place where he felt his prayer was heard.  (See Jonah 2)

As I pondered Jonah's grateful prayer while "imprisoned" in the dungeon belly, I thought of a talk by Elder Holland, "Lessons from Liberty Jail."  It is interesting to me how some of our most miserable experiences can become our most sacred and revelatory moments. In our extremities we pray more deeply, seek more earnestly, and reach more sincerely.  Those moments on our knees crying out, we've received answers and promises we can trust completely.  We know with certainty that the Lord has heard our prayers thus it makes the place in which we prayed hallowed and sacred ground.  I love the way Elder Jeffrey R. Holland describes it:

 "In what sense could Liberty Jail be called a 'temple,' and what does such a title tell us about God’s love and teachings, including where and when that love and those teachings are made manifest? In precisely this sense: that you can have sacred, revelatory, profoundly instructive experiences with the Lord in any situation you are in. Indeed, you can have sacred, revelatory, profoundly instructive experiences with the Lord in the most miserable experiences of your life—in the worst settings, while enduring the most painful injustices, when facing the most insurmountable odds and opposition you have ever faced.

In one way or another, great or small, dramatic or incidental, every one of us is going to spend a little time in Liberty Jail—spiritually speaking. We will face things we do not want to face for reasons that may not be our fault. Indeed, we may face difficult circumstances for reasons that were absolutely right and proper, reasons that came because we were trying to keep the commandments of the Lord. We may face persecution, we may endure heartache and separation from loved ones, we may be hungry and cold and forlorn. Yes, before our lives are over we may all be given a little taste of what the prophets faced often in their lives.

But the lessons of the winter of 1838–39 teach us that every experience can become a redemptive experience if we remain bonded to our Father in Heaven through it. These difficult lessons teach us that man’s extremity is God’s opportunity, and if we will be humble and faithful, if we will be believing and not curse God for our problems, He can turn the unfair and inhumane and debilitating prisons of our lives into temples—or at least into a circumstance that can bring comfort and revelation, divine companionship and peace."

I love that part.... "the divine companionship of peace."  To me, this peace is the soul at rest. It has let go of the need for every answer, it sees purpose in the pain and no longer tries to kick and beat and wish the heartache away.  It hurts... but what can be done about it? It's part of the experience and like a wounded soldier who bravely moves forward one foot in front of the other across the battle lines; he no longer worries about his aching body or whether he'll make it out alive or not, he perfectly trusts that his soul and mission are in the hands of his Creator.  His only concern is to remain valiant to the cause, for the duration of the war... however long that means for him.  If he dies, he dies... if he lives, he lives...  either way, his heart is at peace and he is ready.

"Rest... is the mind at leisure from itself.  It is the perfect poise of the soul; the absolute adjustment of the inward man to the stress of all outward things; the preparedness against every emergency; the stability of assured convictions; the eternal calm of an invulnerable faith; the repose of a heart set deep in God.  It is the mood of the man who says, with Browning, 'God's in His Heaven, all's well with the world.'" - Henry Drummond

-Alicia

Save the Children

Ellen and Me - Oceanside, CA

She was born just two weeks after I was.  We both stayed in Utah Valley Regional's newborn facility.  I was premature so I was there a full month but she was there for only a couple of days.  Did our parents pass each other in the hall and give a friendly wave?  Did the same nurse check in on us?  If so, our paths wouldn't cross again until twenty-one years later.

The first time I met Ellen, she was on leave from the Marines to visit her family for the summer.  She joined the Marines just after her brother, Jason.  It was hard for me to believe the stories of her beating all the men from her unit in arm-wrestling contests.  She was an inch or so shorter than me with a nice slender figure.  It was obvious she was toned and fit but she just didn't seem the type.  She was a perfect ginger with shoulder length red hair, a porcelain complexion, ruby red lips, hazel green eyes, and a splash of golden freckles.  I couldn't imagine her being that tough... but the stories were true.  There was a presence about Ellen, a quiet sort of wisdom.  She seemed like she was ten years older than me even though we were almost the exact same age.  I couldn't put my finger on why I felt that way.  I remember being impressed with how much she adored her brother's humor. "Oh stop, Joseph," she laughed, as my soon-to-be husband jokingly posed for her camera in a lurpy stance.

What was it about Ellen that made me feel like she had experiences beyond her age?  Joseph and I must have been married close to three years when I think I discovered the reason:

"She has a daughter? I never knew your sister had a daughter?"
"Yeah, Ellen got pregnant just before I left on my mission." My husband said. "She was sixteen at the time.  I don't remember ever meeting her boyfriend, he took off pretty fast when he got the news and was never heard of again."

A part of her wanted to keep the baby and find a way to struggle through everything all on her own but she knew she wasn't ready for such a lonely undertaking.  The day she gave birth and signed the relinquish papers was the hardest day of her life.  She held her tiny baby girl in her arms, kissed her perfect bronze skin, and caressed her soft black hair.  Tears flowed down her cheeks in an endless stream as she gazed into her little girl's big dark eyes.  She wished she could stop the clock from turning and hold this moment forever.  Finally, it was time;  The nurse walked in, wrapped up Ellen's baby and took her away to her new family.  The hole that remained in Ellen's heart refused to be filled. Joining the Marines was a good excuse for her to get away from all of the surroundings that haunted her and fix her mind on other things.  She had to learn to be tough.

Cruel consequences forced her to grow up much faster than most girls her age.  Her choices launched her into a foreign world.  Such a rude awakening is enough to bring one crashing to their knees.  A strange sort of tender mercy in the form of heartbreak caused her to make serious pivotal changes and she began from that point to turn her life around. She had experienced so much in such a short period of time... no wonder she always felt so much older than me.

Seventeen years after giving her baby up for adoption, Ellen's daughter found and contacted her.  It was a beautiful reunion and the hole in her heart was finally filled.

In March of this year, I listened to a woman tell quite a different story of her teenage pregnancy experience, as I sat in one of the presentation rooms of the United Nations.  The woman described the horrific emotional scars that plagued her after the abortion.  She withdrew into a world of isolation and attempted to end her own life.  No one ever told her that she would experience such a hellish aftermath. "No one ever told me," she thought. And that's when it hit her.. That's what she needed to do, speak up, warn, let the other young mothers know, gather similar stories like her own and tell people.  She began an organization called Silent No More.  I searched the website later that week and listened to one experience after the other.  The stories moved my heart to deep compassion.

I don't think there has ever been a year in my life where I've had so many thoughts of teenage pregnancies and the abortion crisis.

So, when my husband came to me wanting to have another baby, I poured out my heart to him.  I told him that I wanted to save a child and not just the infant... I wanted to save the child who was bearing that baby.  We prayed and my husband felt the Spirit witness to him that this was right and good.  He's 100% completely and totally on board, it's amazing!! There really aren't many closed adoptions now days, in fact ours will be open.  They've discovered that the child does much better when he or she knows who their biological parents are from the very beginning.

I find it more than a coincidence that in the group of homeschoolers I was divinely led to a year ago, one of the moms has successfully adopted three children.  We've talked several times recently and she's given me some great advice.  It was comforting to know she was able to adopt her newest baby for $3,000.  I know everything is going to work out.  I believe with all of this we will witness miracle upon miracle.  That's just the way God works when you step out into the dark with the light of faith.

-Alicia

"Abortion is not the answer. This only compounds the problem. It is an evil and repulsive escape that will someday bring regret and remorse.

Marriage is the more honorable thing. This means facing up to responsibility. It means giving the child a name, with parents who together can nurture, protect, and love.

When marriage is not possible, experience has shown that adoption, difficult though this may be for the young mother, may afford a greater opportunity for the child to live a life of happiness.....

...Every home, regardless of the cost of the house, can provide an environment of love which will be an environment of salvation.
... It is the spirit in that home, the extension of the love of a good man who holds the priesthood of God and a good woman whose heart is filled with true affection and gratitude, and of children born of a sound marriage who have been nurtured and reared in an environment of peace and faith and security.
...Save the children. Too many suffer and weep. God bless us to be mindful of them, to lift them and guide them as they walk in dangerous paths, to pray for them, to bless them, to love them, to keep them secure until they can run with strength of their own" - President Gordon B. Hinckley - Oct. 1994

Rally this summer 2015 - To peacefully protest Planned Parenthood

Me, Carol Allen, Kanani Horito, and Ann Takasaki