Sanctify My Heart

I wrote this about a month ago and even shared it in church but I haven't posted it because I have felt so hypocritical.

Just days after speaking these words in testimony meeting, everything seemed to come to a head with our Landlady.  Communication with her has been strenuous for all of us.  She was difficult before her husband died but it seemed to increase 10-fold after his passing to the point my husband and I could hardly see her without feeling our entire bodies tense up.

Then when we received the notice we were being forced to move, I posted on our Relief Society page the situation we were facing with vented frustration.  Former tenants chimed in and gave their piece on her which helped me feel justified.

Not too many days after, my husband and I went to the temple together to pray for guidance where we should move.  But I couldn't seem to get much revelation in that area...instead, as we sat and prayed in the Celestial room, the warning from the Prophet James pressed upon my mind, "Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.”  I felt the Spirit rebuke me.  "Alicia, you just bore testimony of choosing your words to build and to lift others, to testify of Christ and then you allowed this thread you initiated on the Relief Society page to go on in smearing your Landlady.  These things should not be!!"  I felt horrible.  I plead and prayed for forgiveness.  When I returned home, I removed the post from the page and posted an apology.

I'm grateful for the opportunity to repent.  I'll keep trying.  I don't want to be someone who just talks the talk.  Slowly, ever so slowly, I pray that God will help me walk the walk.

-Alicia

..............
Testimony - July 3rd, 2016

I’ve been thinking about the air we breathe and how we are able to speak through our vocal cords by the air we draw into our lungs and breathe out.

In the book of Genesis, it gives an account of the creation of man and it says that God breathed into him “the breath of life”

Isn’t it amazing that we are constantly breathing all of the time without even thinking about it?!!   – It’s this breathing in oxygen that gives the blood cells in our veins life, which in turn, give life to our entire body.  So, not only could we not speak without the air we breathe but we could not even move or live.

 As a ward, this past week, we read the words of King Benjamin where he testifies that God is , “preserving [us] from day to day, by lending [us] breath, that [we] may live and move”

This has caused me to truly ponder on the power of our words, the things we choose to speak and to say.  It is a sacred thing God has given us.  After all, it is by the power of words that worlds without number and galaxies were created!

In our ward scripture reading we also read where Abinidi courageously stood in the king’s court and bore witness of the ten commandments, one of them being, “Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.”

Alma who was awakened and inspired by Abinidi’s bold testimony and martyrdom then risks his own life to speak up and share the truth, to inspire others to covenant that they will “stand as a witness of God at all times, in all things, and in all places, even unto death.”

What do we do with this breath we are given?   

The Prophet James counsels, “With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.”
Jesus taught that what comes out of our mouths is what defiles us.

Even the prophet Isaiah recognized that he needed to clean up his language when he had a vision of the temple, when he stood within the overwhelming power and presence of God, he repents and cries, “Woe is me! for I am undone; because I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips”

This life isn’t about being perfect.  It’s about practice and learning.  And if the great prophet Isaiah recognized that the words he spoke needed some cleaning up, I’m sure we could all benefit from some purging and refining.

I’m grateful for a loving Father in Heaven who grants me daily breath and gives life to my blood, which gives me the ability to live and breathe and move and speak.

What do I do with the air I breathe?  What are the things I choose to say and how carefully do I choose my actions?

Today, I choose to use the air I breathe to thank my Father in Heaven, to speak and act in defense of the family, of marriage, and religious liberty whatever the cost!  I choose to use it to build the souls around me and never tear them down, demean or belittle another.  I choose to use the air I breath to bear testimony of the Savior and His Atonement and this His true Gospel.  I know He lives and He loves us far greater than we could ever comprehend.  His words have saved me.  Time and time again throughout my life, I have used my words to cry out in prayer and I have sought His words through the scriptures and whisperings of the Spirit.  I have come to know an inner peace and a deep love that is available to me wherever I go, that cannot be removed or taken from me.  What a magnificent gift that by our words and by His, we have the power to call down heaven.  I know this without any doubt.

-Alicia

"Understand and Prepare" - Ponderize - Week 32

I've had some unbelievable experiences these past two years that are too sacred to share and too hard to explain, so I won't even attempt to.  Everything has felt so condensed, so concentrated, so rapid.... So much has happened in such a short period of time...
I have felt like the "windows of heaven" have been opened as a flood, pulling me in like a riptide that's washing me out to sea...
It has been so overwhelming that I just haven't had "room enough to receive it".

Being overwhelmed like this, from experiencing things of a spiritual nature, so powerfully, so consistently, so frequent, in such a short amount of time, sounds like a pleasant and comfortable thing right?  I mean, saying  you've had the "windows of heaven" opened to you, one would think that all of this has been a joyful experience... it has... but...
Let me tell you, some of it has been excruciatingly painful and terribly, terribly lonely...
The only ones who have known my whole complete story through it all, who know me so well, has been the Lord and my husband.
Yesterday, I was weighed down with this loneliness.  And I wondered if that's what Paul meant by "weight of glory"... to have miraculous things happen and not be able to really share them because of the sacredness of it... or the unbelief of others...
It is very, very heavy.

My husband gave me a beautiful priesthood blessing late last night and then held me tightly in his arms.  I just wept and wept.

This morning in my scripture studies, I was searching for a verse to "ponderize" for the week.  I've just finished reading about the Savior's visit to the Nephites where He pretty much teaches them the same thing He taught the people of Jerusalem in Matthew 5 - 7.  Can you imagine what a spiritual experience that must have been to have Christ, Himself, teach and bless you face to face??  I'm sure it was beautiful, miraculous, powerful, and very, very overwhelming.  Would that have been like "the windows of heaven" being opened without "room enough to receive it"?

I wonder how many people believed them when they went back to tell their friends about their experience... how many thought they were crazy?  Depending on the responses (or lack of response) I imagine those who testified felt joy one moment and extreme pain the next.
But regardless of who believes... you know that there's more... that the story isn't over... there is more yet to be revealed.  You know that someday you'll understand it all.
So you keep moving, you press on in faith, in confidence, and trust that what you've experienced is truly Divine... even if no one believes you... even if people think you're crazy... even if it's a terribly lonely, lonely way to go.
It doesn't matter...  you will be prepared for tomorrow.

"Therefore, go ye unto your homes, and ponder upon the things which I have said, and ask the Father in my name, that ye may understand, and prepare your minds for the morrow, and I come unto you again." - 3 Nephi 17:3

-Alicia

Peace From Invulnerable Faith

“Two artists each painted a picture to illustrate his conception of rest. The first chose for his scene a still, lone lake among the far-off mountains. It was a serene and beautiful scene; yes, very calming, very restful to look at. But the second artist, on his canvas, wildly painted a thundering waterfall. You could almost hear the roaring of the water. But a closer look revealed a fragile birch tree bending over the mist of the roaring water. At the fork of the branch, wet with spray, there sat a robin on its nest.” -Henry Drummond

It is this second illustration that I find so intriguing and most easy to relate to:

This peace is something found in our Father in Heaven, in the sure knowledge of His power through Christ and the intimate involvement of Them in our lives manifested by the Spirit of God.  This peace grows like a seed through a myriad of our own experiences and trials of faith over a life-time.

The beauty is discovered when we realize that such peace is not the absence of struggle, tension, opposition, or pain... rather it is a perfect calm in the midst of all these things.  A perfect trust in our Father in Heaven that casts out any fear of what might or might not unfold tomorrow.  It comes from knowing one's own intentions and knowing their path is aligned with God's.  This peace is the fruit born out of those personal moments where we come to know for ourselves something of God's omnipotence, omniscience, and infinite love for us, where we come to know that He holds everything in His perfect hands.

It's strange how even in the midst of struggle or turmoil there is also a sense of joy, like a robin singing in its nest... not because everything is running smoothly or how we might expect it to, but because it is anchored in what really matters and trusts the Hand that governs such matters.

Through deep and regular prayer - day in and day out, through daily consistent and regular study of the scriptures, and through constant striving to apply God's word and seek His spirit, I have tasted of His love and awareness for me again, and again, and again.

This morning, I reviewed a few conference talks given a couple of weeks ago and feel as if this quote from Jeffery R. Holland is completely fitting for the subject of invulnerable faith:

"[God's] love is the foundation stone of eternity, and it should be the foundation stone of our daily life. Indeed it is only with that reassurance burning in our soul that we can have the confidence to keep trying to improve, keep seeking forgiveness for our sins, and keep extending that grace to our neighbor.

President George Q. Cannon once taught: “No matter how serious the trial, how deep the distress, how great the affliction, [God] will never desert us. He never has, and He never will. He cannot do it. It is not His character [to do so]. … He will [always] stand by us. We may pass through the fiery furnace; we may pass through deep waters; but we shall not be consumed nor overwhelmed. We shall emerge from all these trials and difficulties the better and purer for them.” - Jeffrey R. Holland - Tomorrow the Lord will Do Wonders

As Henry Drummond so beautifully wrote, I also testify that "Rest... is the mind at leisure from itself.  It is the perfect poise of the soul; the absolute adjustment of the inward man to the stress of all outward things; the preparedness against every emergency; the stability of assured convictions; the eternal calm of an invulnerable faith; the repose of a heart set deep in God.  It is the mood of the man who says, with Browning, 'God's in His Heaven, all's well with the world.'"

And so... "Whatever tomorrow brings, together we'll rise and sing that we won't be shaken."

-Alicia :)
He Showed Me How

The War From Within

Of all the enemies the Nephites fought as they strove to protect their people and land, there is one enemy that proved to be the most tremendous threat of all.... themselves.  The greatest damage to the Nephite community was not the result of physical battles fought outside their fortresses with clashing swords.  No, it was much more internal, the problem was within their own government and in their own church.

"There began to be serious contention concerning who should have the judgment-seat... because of so much contention and so much difficulty in the government, that they had not kept sufficient guards in the land" - Helaman 1:2 & 18  

"a little pride..in the church, which did cause some little dissensions" turned into "much contention and many dissensions."  This "pride which began to enter into the church - not into the church of God, but into the hearts of the people who professed to belong to the church of God" and resulted in "persecution of their brethren". - Helaman 3:1,3,33,34

The most disheartening of the two is what happened within their own church.  Helaman 4:11 says, "This great loss of the Nephites, and the great slaughter which was among them, would not have happened had it not been for their wickedness and their abomination which was among them; yea and it was among those also who professed to belong to the church of God."  And in the next two verses, it says that because of their pride, they "withheld" giving or sharing, they made a "mock of that which was sacred, denied the spirit of prophecy and revelation," which led to all kinds of other sins.  "And because of this their great wickedness, and their boasting in their own strength, they were left in their own strength."

In my studies yesterday, I found some commentary that gave greater insight into how people within the church could fall so far.

"This attitude of the people is perhaps the most frightening aspect of this terrifying book of Helaman. We read of a people who were so caught up in the vain things of the world that they were blind and mostly unaffected by Nephi’s great call to repentance. It was not that the people did not have religion; it was that their religion was one of the facades of their respectable lifestyle. The deceit did not fool the prophets; they warned them of their ways. Nephi called down a great famine, while Samuel prophesied great signs and could not be killed. Both preached plainly with the power of God and with courage. Both were mostly rejected because the people hardened their hearts, preferring to believe instead the philosophies and excuses of men (Hel 16:15-23). The outcome of this blindness is well known to readers of the Book of Mormon. The Nephites continued in the same pattern of wickedness in spite of receiving great signs and having momentary periods of righteousness until all but the more righteous were destroyed at the Savior’s coming (3 Nephi 9:12-13)."- The Book of Mormon: Helaman Through 3 Nephi 8, According To Thy Word, ed. Monte S. Nyman & Charles D. Tate, Jr. Provo: Religious Studies Center, BYU, 1992(emphasis added)

The members of the church who rejected the prophets and refused to repent while continuing to preach from their own pulpits, basically set-up themselves in place of the "set-apart".  The word "repentance" haunted them because it flew in their face, broke the facade of their "respectable lifestyle" and revealed it for the self-centered pompish parade of vanity that it really was.

It's an interesting observation Elder W. Grant Bangerter observed, "I never found it necessary to break my standards, to remove my garments, or to apologize for being a Latter-day Saint... I can honestly say that no nonmember of the Church has ever tried to induce me to discard my standards. The only people I remember trying to coerce me to abandon my principles or who ridiculed me for my standards have been non-practicing members of the Church." - Elder W. Grant Bangerter (July 1982 - New Era)

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland asked, "When gospel principles get unpopular or unprofitable or very difficult to live, will we stand by them 'for the duration'? That is the question our experiences in Latter-day Saint life seem most determined to answer. What do we really believe, and how true to that are we really willing to live?" 

In a world like today, most likely the hardest standards of God to live by are; humility, gentleness, and meekness.  Yet, these are the qualities that are the most rewarding!

 In the scriptures, those with solid testimony did not let pride, hatred, or anger claim a stake in their hearts.  Rather, they "did fast and pray oft, and did wax stronger and stronger in their humility, and firmer and firmer in the faith of Christ, unto the filling their souls with joy and consolation, yea even to the purifying and the sanctification of their hearts, which sanctification cometh because of their yielding their hearts unto God."- Helaman 3:35

I submit that the fastest way to "yield our hearts unto God" is through immediate repentance. The moment we recognize our own fault in a situation to say, "I'm sorry", to truly own that apology and the consequence that may follow instead of endeavoring to excuse ourselves and sweep it under the rug.

We also "yield our hearts unto God" by living by His way even if it means losing face or popularity, to not be fence-sitters but rather "Choose... this day whom we will serve" -Joshua 24:15

What are some other ways I can "yield my heart unto God" in these battles "from within"?

-Alicia

What is my intent?

Two of my favorite quotes by Martin Luther King are these:

 "Let no man pull you low enough to hate him."

and

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. 

Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”

One of my assignments these past two days has been to read Martin Luther King's Letter from Birmingham Jail.  He was imprisoned on Good Friday, April 12, 1963.  The letter was written over the next four days and speaks volumes about this incredible man's character in the face of so much persecution and opposition.  I'm deeply impressed to see how civilly and charitably he chose his words to his oppressors.  This was a man who truly understood christian courage.  In my mind, he ranks among the "noble and great ones".

Because my scripture studies this past week focused on the final days of Christ's life and the things He taught before He was crucified, it has caused me to pay particular attention to what was happening in 1963.

The parallel is this:  The segregation laws in Birmingham were unjust for they claimed to be what was best for the community as a whole "to keep the peace" but were really enforced to justify sin.  In his letter Martin Luther King makes the distinction, "How does one determine whether a law is just or unjust? A just law is a man made code that squares with the moral law or the law of God. An unjust law is a code that is out of harmony with the moral law." Wasn't that why the Sadducees and Pharisees hated Christ?  The Savior's teachings were an open threat to their immoral way of life and exposed their hypocritical laws.  These were men who liked to boast of their great knowledge of scripture, they stood on the street corners teaching in a form of righteousness to "appear holy" with the intent to obtain monetary, religious, or social acceptance yet inside, they were "full of dead men's bones".

Martin Luther King wrote, "I have tried to make clear that it is wrong to use immoral means to attain moral ends.  But now I must affirm that it is just as wrong, or perhaps even more so to use moral means [obedience to law] to preserve immoral ends... As T.S. Eliot has said: 'The last temptation is the greatest treason: To do the right deed for the wrong reason.'"

This is a penetrating statement, a compelling thought, that causes me to evaluate my own deeds.  I have to ask as myself in every action or re-action, "What is my intent?"  One of the steps in Dr. King's campaign was "self-purification."  This is the same call our Savior gives us, to first "cleanse the inner vessel."

There is so much to think about.  All that I give, all that I share, all that I say, and all that I do will be fruitless, meaningless, and hollow if my intentions are not in the right place and if I don't maintain a spirit of love for my enemies.

I'm grateful for inspired writings of truth wherever they are found, writings that cause me to reflect, to have a change of perspective, and invite me to evaluate my own choices... for I have so much to learn. :)

-Alicia

The First Law of Heaven

One thing I enjoy doing for scripture study is to pull up scriptures.byu.edu go to the right column and select where I am in my reading.  Then next to each individual verse it will show in small parentheses the number of talks given in General Conference that have referenced that particular scripture.  It's like using backwards footnotes and is a wonderful way to elevate my studies and tie them into what the modern prophets have said.

This morning I'm in the final verses of the first book of Nephi.  Here we read about the great need to be obedient to God.  Nephi states, "I would that ye should consider that the things which have been written upon the plates of brass are true; and they testify that a man must be obedient to the commandments of God... if ye shall be obedient to the commandments, and endure to the end, ye shall be saved at the last day.  And thus it is.  Amen." - 1 Nephi 22:30,31 
Through the process of study I mentioned, I found a great talk in 1997 by Elder Ballard called "Stand for Truth and Right."

I've been pondering on the principle of obedience and why it is so essential.  As a mother, it is greatly satisfying to me when my children obey by their own free will...  Especially when I see my children take care of a chore, a task, a responsibility without me having to ask them.  We all know this feeling as a parent, right?  It's high-fives and hugs all around as I shout, "You did it!  You did it and I didn't even have to ask!!  Wow, thank you, this makes me so happy!!"  When I react like this, my kids look at me like I'm weird or something because my excitement meter resembles a person who just won the lottery.  Maybe it's because this type of obedience from them feels that rare sometimes.

When Christ was on the earth He said, "If you love me, keep my commandments."  Isn't that the same desire we have for our children?  "Please be responsible and just take care of what I've asked you to do."

From the experiences I've had as a mom, I can clearly see the deep connection between love and obedience.  The major difference in such compliance is that God is perfect and we can trust that whatever He commands of us is always right.  I'm not a perfect mom and I'm certain that my requests aren't always the best, that there are probably infinitely better ways of handling things.  Nevertheless, these kids are in my care and I must do my best to teach them.  What keeps coming back to me is how much of this "teaching" must be done by my own example.

Yesterday, I randomly selected to listen to a conference session from the past.  I sorted through piles of laundry prepared them for washing, and took care of other chores, while the talks from April 2010's Saturday Morning Session played in the background.  It was a great session and I felt compelled to go back and repeat two of the talks, Sister Beck's and Elder Ballard's.  Both of these speak volumes to me about the example of obedience we set for our children.

Sister Beck speaks of how our obedience "with exactness" is directly correlated with the ability to receive personal revelation.  Elder Ballard spoke boldly of our influence as mothers.  He gave some very clear and strong counsel about standards we choose to uphold and how our children will follow our example more than our words.

"If the mothers are thrifty, so are their daughters. If the mothers are modest, so are the girls. If the mothers wear flip-flops and other casual clothing to sacrament meeting, so do their daughters. Mothers, your example is extremely important to your daughters—even if they don’t acknowledge it.

Throughout the history of the world, women have always been teachers of moral values. That instruction begins in the cradle and continues throughout the lives of their children. Today our society is bombarded with messages about womanhood and motherhood that are dangerously and wickedly wrong. Following these messages can put your daughters on the path to sin and self-destruction. Your daughters may not understand that unless you tell them or, better, unless you show them how to make good choices. As mothers in Israel, you are your daughters’ first line of defense against the wiles of the world.... 

...Let me assure you that even when you think your daughter is not listening to a thing you say, she is still learning from you as she watches you to see if your actions match your words. As Ralph Waldo Emerson is believed to have said, 'What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say' (see Ralph Keyes, The Quote Verifier [2006], 56)." - M. Russell Ballard

Are the things I am doing matching up with what I preach?
Can my children see that my obedience to God is sincere and done with the right intent?
I know I can and I must do better.

There are two things I want my children to know without a shadow of a doubt: One, that I love God and two, that I love them! But they won't believe what I say until they see what I do.

-Alicia