Seeking to Learn

I've really enjoyed Education Week so far! Joseph, Chandler, Miriam, and I have all been going to the evening classes. Two of my classes are on improving marriage.

Some of my biggest take-away's from the marriage classes have been my need to purposefully and deliberately choose a more positive vocabulary. When expressing desires or emotions with Joseph and the kids, I know that I set the tone quite often in my home... It's good for me to evaluate if my conversations are centered on complaining or complimenting. I think by praying daily for the ability to recognize the law of the harvest in my home, I will more consciously sow positive expressions and sincere praise.

Because life rarely goes how we expect it to, it can be easy to feel a little jaded. This is where I think faith comes in. Don't expect so much -be more grateful for small things. It takes faith to keep putting forth effort, time, energy, and positive reinforcements into our most vital relationships -  It takes faith because we rarely see the results right away. But no kind words, no thoughtful gesture, no act of self-less service, no time set aside for our spouse or our children is ever wasted!

I enjoyed a youth class with my kids the other evening about trials. The speaker cited from the lives of some ancient and modern day prophets who went through severe trials. He drew our attention to how their lives unfolded in the end and that it was the very hardships and struggles that shaped and molded them into the inspirational characters of history we revere.

I found a verse in my scripture study today that goes well with these thoughts on trials:

"The Lord God caused that there should be a furious wind blow upon the face of the waters, towards the promised land; and thus they were tossed upon the waves of the sea before the wind.... And it came to pass that the wind did never cease to blow towards the promised land while they were upon the waters; and thus they were driven forth before the wind, and they did sing praises unto the Lord" - Ether 6:5,8,9

I'm sure the wind and waves made the Jaredites very sick and frustrated multiple times on their journey across the ocean...  but it was those very two elements that God used to get them to the promised land. I'm sure in the end, they were praising the Lord for the wind and waves. This gives me hope.

-Alicia

Pour Out Your Soul and Have Faith

When Helaman's army was struggling in battle, there's a couple of verses that are reminiscent of my own struggles and my own battles in my life. It's almost as if I could write these very same words!

"[I]did pour out [my] soul in prayer to God, that He would strengthen [me]..."
"And it came to pass the Lord our God did visit [me] with assurances that He would deliver [me]; yea, inosomuch that He did speak peace to [my] soul, and did grant unto [me] great faith, and did cause [me] that [I] should hope for our deliverance in Him. And [I] did take courage..."
- Alma 58:10-12

For me the "deliverance" doesn't always mean my particular trial or struggle has been removed from my life but more so I am strengthened beyond my natural capacity to handle it... peace and hope enter my heart, and the Spirit of God blesses me to take courage, to get up, to march forth in my battles knowing the Savior is leading the way.

-Alicia

Leave this part blank.

I can't even write anymore. I can't seem to grasp my own thoughts, let alone articulate them.  I feel so terribly far from inspiration.  These days, I hardly know how to talk to my old friends when I see them let alone how to talk to God. In most of my prayers my mind drifts endlessly or is totally blank. My husband has expressed the exact same struggles. My children are manifesting similar emotions too.

Our world has shrunk to a select few who understand. The couple in our ward who had these kids before us "get" what we're going through but even they didn't have the children as long...and they didn't have their own biological children to blend with them either.

The irony of foster care is you try so desperately to save the lives of your foster kids but in the process you better brace yourself to take a wrecking ball to your own life. The trick is to avoid resenting that "wrecking ball" even learn how to love it, to embrace it.

Now, my foster son is doing pretty well despite a few set-backs.  I can't complain. He is trying so hard and I'm very proud of his progress. On the other hand, the melt-downs have increased with my foster daughter again. She was really doing better for several weeks in a row until she started seeing her mother 2x a week at the daycare for women in drug rehab. Almost every night now before bed she's back to  having convulsions and screaming non-stop for over an hour.  She's been doing this more in the day too. There's absolutely no consoling her. I offer to read her a story or to scratch her back in an effort to calm her. I hold her and she kicks and flails. Every soothing effort she violently refuses and so I walk away only to hear her scream like a banshee for all that she said she didn't want two seconds ago. At that point, all I can do is shut the door, walk away, and wait for her to be silent. Sometimes, I'm not that patient and I scream back or give her one big firm swat on the butt. (Of course that never helps.)

When she's not having melt-downs she wants me holding her and I do hold her but she weighs the same as Kaylee and I can't hold her for extremely long periods like she wishes.  The minute I set her down, she panics or starts lashing out at my other kids--That's hard for them. Chandler can't stand it, so he chases after her in a territorial manner acting like he's going to beat her... of course, he doesn't touch her but the threat is enough to cause the anxiety in her three-yr-old body to sky-rocket. (I've had a thousand lectures with Chandler about this begging him not tease her like that.)

She is a good girl and can be very sweet. I desperately want to give her the best home.  I want to help her so much but she can also be so hard, so very, very hard! Never in my life have I experienced a child like her. No one sees the struggles we are going through. No one sees it! When I talk with the social workers, they say I'm doing great. Really? Because I feel like crap! I'm just not who I thought I'd be as a foster mom.

I found a medical term that describes what my husband and I are going through. It's called Post Adoption Depression.  Now, we aren't adopting right now because our goal in foster care is to get these kids to reunification with the birth-parents but many of the symptoms we have been experiencing are the same as listed in Post Adoption Depression.

So what do we do? 

I don't know. I have no clue. 

There are many good moments.  I guess that is what I was trying to capture in my last post... but who am I kidding?... Most of the time, it feels like I'm falling apart. I pray for strength to be a better person. I know I can do better.

-Alicia 

I found a small space in our shrunken world that seemed to validate our emotions. According to this thread, this is "the new normal" and I need to have faith that time will be the healing factor.

https://adoption.com/forums/thread/369558/still-not-feeling-attached-to-adopted-daughter/

Vivian Park - This was a good day for our family. (Foster's faces are blurred because we can't post their pictures.)

That Same Sociality

Last night, I took Miriam and Kaylee to a world-wide broadcast of a meeting for all the women in the church ages eight and older.  I also brought my 3-yr-old foster daughter in order to allow the boys at home to be able to "comfortably watch" their action movie while we were away.

At the church, my girls instantly found their friends and bounced happily into the open seats next them. They are always so thrilled to be around Hannah, Mia, and Oli. I was also very glad to connect with their mom, Carol, who is my dear friend,

After the meeting was over,  Carol and her daughters climbed into our van with us to find a good place to grab some milkshakes and visit with each other more.  I met Carol two-and-a-half years ago but it seems much longer than that.

My life is so completely different from when I first met her.  I guess you could say her life is completely different too.  It was great to share with one another some of the lessons we've been learning along the way.  Carol has such a beautiful testimony of God and His involvement in our lives.  She's incredibility compassionate, intelligent, and brave. I truly admire her! It made my whole day, my whole week, to spend that hour-and-a-half together -- just the two of us and our girls. I think I really needed that.

I'm grateful to know "that same sociality which exists among us here [on earth] will exist among us [in heaven]" - D&C 130:2

-Alicia

Even If... through the fire

There's a new song out by MercyMe  I wanted to share this evening. My hope in doing so is that it might be encouraging to someone who is consumed by despair from the burning flames of life's fiery furnace.

These verses strike my heart the most, The song is a prayer to God, one I think every Christian has felt at some moment in their life.

"It's easy to sing
When there's nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I'm held to the flame
Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone"

This reminds me very much of the wonderful talk given By Dennis E. Simmons thirteen years ago, But If Not, especially the last two paragraphs.

We must have the same faith as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego.

"Our God will deliver us from ridicule and persecution, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from sickness and disease, but if not … . He will deliver us from loneliness, depression, or fear, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from threats, accusations, and insecurity, but if not. … He will deliver us from death or impairment of loved ones, but if not, … we will trust in the Lord.

Our God will see that we receive justice and fairness, but if not. … He will make sure that we are loved and recognized, but if not. … We will receive a perfect companion and righteous and obedient children, but if not, … we will have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, knowing that if we do all we can do, we will, in His time and in His way, be delivered and receive all that He has."

 We might not have the answers to some of our experiences right now. Time may reveal it or at least content our souls with not knowing. But one thing is certain - God loves us and will see us through every heartache as we seek Him.

-Alicia

All So Real

My husband and I went to see the movie Lion Saturday night.  Nominated for a Golden Globe award, it's a movie about a boy named Saroo adopted from India by an Australian couple, John and Sue Brierley.

Now since we aren't adoptive parents, we are only fostering right now, there are some big differences, but this movie was much more impactful to us than it would have if we weren't in our current situation.

Being foster parents, Joseph and I have discovered hardships we never even dreamed of. When you bring these children into your home, you adopt all their trauma...and their entire past becomes part of your life. There is no escaping it.

 Saroo was a beautiful experience for John and Sue.  From the moment they brought him home, he was obedient and good-natured. They both bond very quickly with Saroo. But everything changes for the Brierley's when they decide two years later to adopt another boy, Mantosh, from India .

The scene where they bring Mantosh home and introduce him to Saroo has a completely different tone. Mantosh has frequent violent emotional melt-downs, screaming, flailing, and smacking himself. This realization is horrifying to Sue and John. This kind of trauma was not what they expected, especially after their first adoption seemed to be such a happy placement. Sue struggles to remain her natural cheery self. The energy required to care for Mantosh is an exhausting battle day after day that almost drains the life out of her.

Watching this scene filled me with emotion.  I turned to my husband who related instantly too. He looked at me and lovingly squeezed my hand. Tears rolled down my face and I whispered to him, "It's so real. I get this, Joseph. I totally get her pain."
"I know you do." He said, squeezing my hand tighter, "I know."

When Saroo grows older, memories from his past begin to haunt him and he can't let it go until he gets the questions plaguing his mind answered. His emotional state deteriorates in the journey, worrying his adoptive parents greatly.  He apologizes deeply to Sue, "I'm sorry... but you've adopted my past."

Oh, the lives of these children! So few realize the horrors they have experienced, how it plays out and affects everyone in their lives in so many varied ways.  So few realize the energy it takes to help them heal from it all. But someone has to help them heal!

This movie, based on a true story, does an excellent job of creating new insights about adoption... yet, it's still a movie: There's only so much that can be fit into the film, only so much that can be told.  There is so much more behind the scenes and between the lines.

Still though, if you haven't seen Lion -- go!

-Alicia

Stronger

Joseph and I have grown so much closer together in the past three-and-a-half months. One of the reasons for this may be because foster care is such a terribly lonely road, there are so few people who understand how it affects the family. It's just one of those things that has to be experienced to grasp the full scale of it all.  Joseph and I have had to rely very heavily on each other for support, we've taken more time to be together, to go on dates, and to confide our hearts. 

When you foster, you invite an immense amount of trauma into your life and the lives of your children--The medical professionals call this secondary trauma. Because foster care is so taxing, so difficult, and so dramatically life-altering, it's important that we have a good team to work with: helpful resource counselors, informed social workers, and accessible support groups. 

Last night, Joseph and I met with the DCFS team for two hours. The meeting was very productive as we addressed every aspect and angle of the difficulties we're facing.  It felt so comforting to have them listen to us, to supply ways and ideas that will make our job a little easier and provide a better environment for the entire household.  We know our DCFS team genuinely cares about us and wants to make this work. 

In less than a month, the parent visits will increase to four hours a week (2 hrs on two different days), court hearings bi-weekly, and therapy two hours a week. Our schedules will definitely be more tight than they've ever been. I have to admit, this makes me a little more nervous to continue my schooling at BYU but I still believe that it's not impossible.

My husband and I are certainly learning to do hard things. We stumble and fall all along the way but we're learning.

I've been so proud to see Joseph increase in his resilience and optimism. He has been a good example to me of humility and faith.  This morning, he announced that he's going to hike Mt. Timponogos this August and he wants to start training with me mid-March. Anyone who knows Joseph would realize that this is absolutely huge for him! He usually hates any kind of exercise but he said he wants this to be a symbol of overcoming difficulty and persevering in the face of great opposition. It's amazing what has come over him!

We're going to make this. With God's grace, we will be strong enough.  We're going to make all of this together and come out on top. I am completely confident!

-Alicia :)

My Song for the Day

Hang In There

It's that dazed feeling, the numbing sensation a boxer gets after one too many punches in the face as he sways and stumbles, struggling to keep himself upright. Thoughts of "What am I doing here?" and "I hope I make it out alive." race through his brain as he squints through the sweat and tears of his swollen eyes.

Life can feel like that sometimes... like one big nasty fight.

He's scared. He's tired of being in the ring. Sometimes he cries. Sometimes he punches back... but most of the time, he doesn't even feel like he belongs in his own body.

He has learned to trust me...  and though I can't save him from the fight of his life, he keeps looking to me as someone who has the power to do something.

He likes to come up to me and give me a hug at least seven or eight times a day. I guess that's good (even though it can be a little excessive).  I'm just happy he feels comfortable with me now.  It's a huge leap forward compared to when he first moved in with us three months ago,  Then, he would hardly ever make eye contact.

Tonight, he told me he loved me for the very first time. He hugged me tighter and tighter until he was lifting me off the ground.  (He likes the fact that he's ten years old and can pick me up.) Plus, carrying me was his way of trying to be playful in order to cover up the thoughts that worried him.

Today was a rough day and I knew it.  No matter how he tried, he couldn't hide his emotions. Finally he blurted out, "I miss my mom so bad," as tears streamed down his face and onto my arms. I hugged him back and patted his head, encouraging him to hang in there. Every single week, the few days after he visits his mom are always tough for him. It must be terribly confusing seeing her but not being able to stay with her.

He really is a sweet boy.  I know that when he acts out in anger, he's really just scared. (I need to remind myself of that in the moment.)  He's tired of this fight.  My heart goes out to him. He asked if I would pray for his family to be together again.  I told him I would.  I also said that no matter what happens in the future to always remember he has me as a friend to turn to.

That made him smile.

Good Days

These past couple of days have been good. My husband and I have felt strengthened by the hand of the Lord.  Prayer is amazing! We have felt greater compassion, greater patience, and greater peace.

I certainly have not felt worthy of these blessings that have rested upon us but I'm incredibly grateful for them.  I have been humbled by this calling to be a foster mom. It has certainly made me more aware of my weaknesses--and wow, what a delicate balance, to allow this awareness to remain in my mind but not allow discouragement! 

When I've been at my breaking point, I've been blessed with new ideas to handle conflict and the ability to praise the slightest hint of good behavior.

I'm grateful that I have a God in heaven who hears my prayers, both the spoken and unspoken. I'll take whatever good days that come--They give me hope for tomorrow.

-Alicia

The Ride of Our Life

All the foster parents talk about this job being a roller coaster: one day you feel like you can handle everything and the next day it feels like you're reeling out of control, screaming for your life!

My husband and I had a particularly rough time fostering this past week.  The fosters seemed to be making so much progress.... and then we don't know what happened? Both of them have become more emotional and defiant. And the more defiant their behavior is, the less compassion or love we feel for them-- (of course we feel terrible about our apathy) They sense this and it causes them to act out with worse behavior.  It's like a downward cycle.

A couple nights ago, the whole house was in commotion from our foster daughter's tantrums until 4am: Kaylee and Miriam left their beds to try and find a quieter place on the floor downstairs. At that moment, all of my bio-kids were displaced on a couch or a floor while the fosters had their own rooms and own beds.

We were wide awake as the clock ticked over to 4:30.  My husband and I laid in bed staring at the ceiling, wondering what to do, we questioned why we ever made the decision to be a foster family. Discouragement descended into our hearts.  "What if we are damaging our biological children? What if they grow up resenting us and the foster kids for causing so much upheaval in their lives?"

I couldn't find the words to pray the next morning... all I really said was, "Father, we're both so exhausted and we're both struggling to feel the kind of love these kids need right now.  We are terribly tempted to just pass them off to a different family.  And as terrible and awful as that would be, it just feels like it would make our lives so much easier. But it's not just about our lives, these kids need help. We need inspiration.  We need some kind of encouragement, something to refresh and motivate us if this is what we must continue to do."

I only had a few minutes for scripture study because the kids were waking up again and the family routine demanded my attention. I opened my Bible's cover and found a card with two words "keep going".  It was a beautiful simple message on a card from a Relief Society lesson back in October.  I had forgotten about it because I don't usually open to the front cover. I took a deep breath and then opened to the middle of my Bible 1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love." 

Joseph had an equally short morning for his personal scripture study but it's interesting that he had some similar messages. As hard as foster care is and as easy as it would be to quit, we feel like we need to keep going.

My husband and I had a special fast together this last Sunday.  We're praying for endurance and love, understanding and compassion that sees beyond rude or obnoxious behavior and focuses on the underlining issues and needs of these children.  We prayed for optimism and gratitude to verbally acknowledge any good that the foster kids do--even when praise is the last thing we feel like giving.

We prayed for wisdom to know how to fill the needs of our bio-kids along the way, to help them cope with their discomforts, to recognize how to give their-selves a break and renew their own strength. (They've actually done pretty well and have been amazingly loving through it all.)

Just one day at a time.... one day at a time.

Being foster parents is an extremely humbling and terrifying calling! We have to fight back fear every day... it's something people just have to experience to understand how hard and complicated it is.  We feel like we're free-falling right now but we're bound to get traction again... It's a roller-coaster right?... I guess it's all part of the ride so, we'll keep going.
-Alicia

So long 2016!

Wow, what a year! 

1. The City Center Temple dedication and cultural celebration. 

2. Alexa's High School Graduation. 

3. Stake boundary changes and the formation of our new Stake. 

4. Kaylee's Baptism.

5. Saying farewell to the ward family we love so much.

6. Saying farewell to my dear sweet friend, Lou (1929-2016).

7. Alexa's Baptism.

8. Moving into a new place, a new home, a new ward.

9. Changes to our family boundaries and becoming foster parents.

When this year started off, I had no idea how completely different our lives would look at the end.   It has been beautiful, painful, eye-opening, heartbreaking, exhausting, and glorious!

I take comfort in knowing that God is with me, fighting my battles. Who knows what this next year will bring? So long, farewell, 2016.

-Alicia

Carrying me through...

I haven't really known what to write lately.  There is so much on my mind in this new life of mine that I can hardly find the words to sort through it all: parenting the foster kids and my own children, upcoming parent and court visits, my upcoming semester at BYU, homeschooling, the holidays, and everything in-between.  I try to keep a pulse on each family member and pray they are all coping well and doing okay.

I feel very stretched and I find very little time to myself. This is so hard, so incredibly hard, but I don't feel discouraged or overwhelmed (when normally in circumstances like these, I easily could be). I know that God has been carrying me through and I can feel His grace attend me. It's a blessing, a very real blessing.

-Alicia

"None Shall Slumber Nor Sleep"

Yesterday and the day before we did respite foster care.  So far, we've done respite  for eleven children total and this past weekend was our very first experience with a girl.  We watched her half-brother about a week ago and this past Friday and Saturday we watched both children.

These half siblings are several years apart. The girl is right between the ages of my two daughters and it was fun to see them both get along so well with her. Micah was thrilled to take care of the baby boy because he's always wanted a younger brother and these moments through foster care are his closest opportunity.  I was surprised by Chandler yesterday because he usually resists touching or interacting with small kids. I wish there was a way I could've captured the good solid half hour he spent gently holding the foster baby on his lap, feeding him Cheerios during the funeral we attended.

The foster girl was removed a couple years ago and her brother was removed only a couple months ago.  When they found the baby, the cops took a hair sample and discovered he tested positive for cocaine, meth, and marijuana.  He couldn't say any words and was terribly malnourished. During the first week his foster parents had him, he went through serious drug withdrawals and was extremely difficult to console.  It's amazing how much he has recovered in such a short amount of time.  Despite a few minor issues, he really seems like a normal happy baby.

Friday night at 1:00 A.M., I heard a timid little knock on our bedroom door.  I opened the door slowly to the foster girl standing there clenching a framed picture in her arms. "I can't sleep" she announced.
"Oh, honey, is there something bothering you?" I asked.
"I miss my mom." She sighed.
"I'm sure you do.  Is this her?" I asked, pointing to the small framed picture she was holding,
"Yeah, that's me and her before I was taken and put into foster care."
"Have you seen her recently?"
"No, not recently... the social workers keep trying to arrange a visit but they say my mom is too sick."
I didn't say anything.

(I haven't been a foster mom for long but I do know enough to understand what the social worker means when they say to a child, "Your mom is very sick right now."  It means that their mom is too high on drugs to be cognitively aware of her child even if they did arrange a visit.)

I walked the foster girl to the bathroom sink and asked if she wanted a cup of water. She gratefully accepted the offer.  I asked if there was any kind of toy or stuffed animal she brought that could help her sleep better.  She nodded and began sorting through her backpack. "I have this," she said pulling out a mouse-like stuffed animal.  "My mom gave it to me.  This and the picture is all I have to remind me of her. I sleep with them every night, even if the picture frame digs into my skin."
"Those two things must be so important to you," I said. "No wonder you want to hold on to them."

We sat down in the middle of the hallway and I listened to her tell me more sad stories; she told me about the time her beaded necklace broke at school - it was the necklace her mom had given her. She hid in the girl's bathroom and cried all day and no one could get her to come come out, not even her teacher.  "It was my only necklace from from my mom.  No one understood why I was crying so much about a bunch of beads.  I miss her so much."
My heart broke for this poor little girl. After time, I could see she was starting to get tired again and suggested she continue to talk to me while she was laying in bed.  She agreed and climbed back under the covers into the lower bunk with her arms still clinging tightly to her memories. She gazed at the mattress above  in a wishful state, "If I could... I would make my mom better so she wasn't sick anymore.  I'd give her all the medicine she needed to help her be well again."
"You are a very sweet girl," I assured her. "I bet you would do anything for your mother.... And you know what?"
"What?" she asked.
"I know there are many people who want to see your mom get better too."
She sighed deeply, "The judge is going to tell me soon if I can go back home with her.  If he says 'no' I'm going to be so upset.  I'm going to scream and scream and be very, very mad....
If he says 'yes' I'm going to give the judge  the biggest hug.  I'll be so happy."
She sighed again.
"This has got to be very difficult for you.  I can't imagine how hard it is."
"Yeah... it's hard." She confirmed.
She lay their a little longer, lost in her imagination, then quietly asked, "What time is it?"
I answered,"It was 1:00 when you knocked on my door."
"What time is it now?"
I peaked around the corner to the clock on the wall, "It's just after 1:30."
She folded her arms over the blankets and nestled her head deeper in the pillows, "I think I'm okay now."
"Are you sure? Do you need me to listen anymore?"
She thought for a moment, "No, I'm okay now.  You can go back to bed."
"Alright, sweetheart.  Do you want me to leave the bathroom light on so it's not so dark?"
"Yes, thank you," she replied and drifted back to sleep.

The next few hours of the night were intervals of  the baby waking and crying.  He seemed to only be soothed if I stood and swayed with him in my arms. Around 4:00 his sister knocked on my door again, she was concerned about her brother.  She suggested he needed a snack and I thanked her for the advice. "Just a tip." she smiled and turned cheerfully back to bed.
"What a good big sister," I thought.
I didn't get him a snack but continued to sway him until he fell asleep in my arms.

It's been a long time since I had a night where my sleep was interrupted that much. I question sometimes what on earth I am doing, throwing myself into this new life of foster care.  I wonder about my capabilities to handle the mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual pressure it will be on me and my family. Yet, despite all my self-doubts, despite all my fears... I can't help but feel this intense pull, this deep desire somehow grow increasingly to keep going, to continue on in this rescue effort.

It's amazing to me how important biological parents are to children - no matter how good or bad, involved or absent they are.  The child wants the mom and dad they are genetically tied to more than anyone else in this world.  Sure, other people can become very important parent-figures and do great things in their life but no one will ever mean as much or fill the hole that only a biological parent can fill.

My vision is changing and my eyes are opening to a world that was invisible before.  There are five regions of foster care in the State of Utah and over 600 children in just our foster region alone. That's a ton when you realize that each of these kids have to come from extremely critical and dangerous circumstances in order to "qualify" for removal.  I can't turn them away from my home, I just can't!! Not after what I've experienced so far... and what I've experienced is only a tiny fraction.  This is going to be very hard work. I pray I can measure up to the task. I pray for strength beyond my own.

-Alicia

Persecution, Deliverance, Faith, and LOVE

 My friend, who is also our Realtor, texted me Friday morning and asked for our Landlady's phone number. Her text read, "Alicia, I was thinking... what if I called your Landlady and tried to convince her to allow you month-to-month rent so you have more time to search for a home."
I texted her back both of our Landlady's numbers and gratefully replied, "This should be fabulously interesting.  I'm not sure how it's going to work but it's worth a shot. Thank you!"
"Ok, I'll call her right now and I let you know how it goes." she replied.
 My Realtor called me back about 20 minutes later and it was just as I feared.  She sounded very disappointed and explained, "Oh Alicia, I'm so sorry.  I really thought I could persuade her.  Instead, she was extremely offended by my phone call.  She cut me off, became very agitated, and wouldn't let me talk.  I'm so sorry.  It didn't go well at all."
It wasn't much of a surprise to me though. Either way , I was so grateful for her valiant effort.

Later that day, we packed up our van to drive up the canyon and spend the evening at our ward family camp out.  It was so good to get away from all the boxes in my home that serve as constant reminders of our exodus.

The campsite was beautiful and the atmosphere invigorating.  We visited with our dear friends and had conversations while roasting marshmallows around the campfire.  We gazed at the stars, ate great food, listened to stories of courage and faith, and enjoyed a super corny skit... and I mean SUPER corny! Everything was so much fun.

But of course... my two most favorite things of the night was the dancing and singing:

The Dancing:
Our counselor to our bishop hooked up some music and taught all of us the Virginia Reel.  It was a riot!  I think the reason I loved it so much was because everyone was involved, it felt wonderfully unifying dancing as a whole team.

And Singing:
A couple of guys brought their guitars and I was so glad they did because sitting around a campfire while singing to the strum of a guitar is one of those things in life that absolutely sets my spirit soaring!!  (And after all that my family's been going through, I really needed something to lift my soul.) Shout out to Space Oddity, it was perfect, absolutely perfect!

That night, after all was silent through the camp and everyone was asleep, I laid awake for what felt like hours reflecting on the wonderful evening we all had and the beautiful memory we just made with the dear friends who I've come to love so very much.  Every time I thought of our forced move, a sting of pain would shoot my heart.  My whole soul, spirit, mind, and body wants to stay with this ward!  I quickly attempted to push the thoughts about leaving aside. I didn't want to travel back down the mountain in the morning, back to the boxes and the packing.

I remembered how my Realtor tried to plead our cause and how nothing she said to our Landlady seemed to penetrate her heart.  As I wondered about our situation and how we were going to manage living out of a trailer for a while I had the thought, "Alicia, have hope. You can't see and you don't know what is working on your Landlady's heart at this very moment.  Maybe what your Realtor said to her really did settle in."  I prayed that it did.  I prayed that she was being softened and that when we arrived back home the next day, there would be some form of deliverance or good news waiting for us.

The next morning, I woke early and helped get the fire started.  We had a wonderful breakfast, visited a little longer, and played a few games before everyone started taking down their tents and hauling off.  I didn't want to leave.  Oh, how I wished it could have been for two nights... or three... or four.

We drove home.  I had such a great time with our ward family that I had almost forgotten about my prayer for deliverance until...  there it was when we pulled into the complex, it was taped to our door: a notice from our Landlady granting us ability to rent month-to-month until we are under contract with a home to buy.  It was a miracle, a tender mercy!  Now we don't need to feel so rushed.  We can take our time and really search.  It gives me more confidence that we will find the right place for us and our growing family.  I am blessed.

-Alicia

In Our Wilderness

23 more days until our last one living here and we have to be out.  We still don't know where we're moving to.  We looked at a home that is very close in our neighborhood and were excited for all the possibilities.  It had 5 bedrooms + a two bedroom mother-in-law apartment we could rent out to help with our mortgage payments.

Joseph and I went to the temple early morning yesterday before we made an offer and both felt very strongly that we needed to contact a couple of people.  We called our two friends and they both spent over a couple hours with us at the house.  My friend, Shelley, is going to be our agent and she made a lot of phone calls to the city while we were touring the place for the second and third time.  She discovered that the mother-in-law apartment the people had there is totally illegal and that the whole thing has been in open investigation for some time... Instead of it being an asset it would have been a huge liability.  Our friend, Ben, who is very experienced with home building, was able to show us other warning signs our untrained eyes couldn't see before.  It really was a blessing and we know the Lord was looking out for us by giving us inspiration to call these two.

It looks like we might have to live out of a storage unit for a while.  My friend, Shelley, graciously offered her RV and we may just take her up on that.  Who knows... turn this into a little "vacation".  It will be an adventure for sure!!

 I'm so thankful for the comforting words of the scriptures as we journey into "our wilderness". My husband's best friend keeps telling our family that he really feels God will "part the Red Sea" for us. Even though, we don't know where "our promised land" will be. The Israelites wandered for 40 years. I can be grateful in knowing it won't take us that long to "find the place which God for us prepared". Like Moses and Lehi in the wilderness; I truly believe in miracles and marvelous manifestations of God. I know without a shadow of doubt that His hand is in the very details of our lives and as we seek Him, He will lead us right. I know it!

"Never be weary of good works... be meek and lowly in heart; for such shall find rest to their souls... Learn wisdom... Keep the Commandments... Cry unto God for all thy support; yea, let all thy doings be unto the Lord, and withersoever thou goest let it be in the Lord... Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and He will direct thee for good... Let thy heart be full of thanks unto God. And behold, [the Liahona] was prepared to show unto our fathers the course which they should travel in the wilderness. And it did work for them according to their faith in God; therefore, if they had faith to believe that God could cause that those spindles should point the way they should go behold, it was done; therefore they had this miracle, and many other miracles wrought by the power of God, day by day." - Alma 37:34-40

"We were moving mountains long before we knew we could... 

There can be miracles when you believe."

-Alicia

At Peace

"Patience is being at peace with the process of life."

In just the past few days, my email has been overloaded with over 20 messages about training sessions, support groups, and family events within the foster care community.  It's exciting for me to see how much these groups rally around each other. I've got a feeling I'm gonna like being in the midst of it all.  It's very humbling to be able to rub shoulders with some extremely incredible people.  I feel like they all have so much to teach me.   One of the directors (who has 2 bio children and 15 adopted)  had this quote attached to his email that I really liked.  It's such a simple yet profound statement: "Patience is being at peace with the process of life."

I think I need this now more than ever.  We just got an eviction notice from our landlady.  She didn't give a reason for wanting us to leave just told us we have 30 days to do so.  She's a very difficult woman to work with.  We're not the first with this complaint... all the tenants who have moved out of here in the last couple of years have had some serious struggles with her.  She was fine with us for all these years because we never complained or asked for anything. In fact, while living here, I took care of most of the repairs and only asked that the cost of the part or fixture be taken from the rent.

But when we started going the way of foster care, there were several things we needed to have fixed up before we had our home study.  With a home study our place has to be approved by the State and meet certain requirements.  So, I called our landlady in and addressed a few issues.  I actually felt like our communication that day went well.  She toured the apartment with me and agreed that there were several neglected areas that fell under her responsibility. But then she said something on the way out the door that was a red flag; She said, "I don't like the idea of you bringing more children into this place one bit.  I'm going to have to think about this."  I explained to her that legally we fit just fine.  It didn't matter.  The truth is, she just doesn't like children in general: toys on the grass, the mud Miriam loves to play in, bikes and skateboards that fill the racks.  The concrete stairs outside had been eroding from weather and corrosion from salt and she told Joseph on the phone that she was certain our children had been chipping away at them.  She wants to rent the whole place out to newly married or college students because she won't have children to deal with.  Her obsession with order and having everything fit perfectly into her plans has made her so extremely uptight that I wonder how she ever survived having 7 children!!  I feel very sorry for her.  I can't imagine what she would have done if she had ever stumbled across one of our skate parties.  I think she would have had a heart-attack right there.

A few years ago, our neighbor tried planting some tomatoes in a weed-covered area.  Our neighbor fixed the soil real nice and made a beautiful patch of garden.  Our landlady came in, ripped it up and poured an ugly slab of concrete over it.  This year when my husband and I found a weedy area and did the same, planting mint leaves and tomatoes, she said to us, "I don't think your garden is going to work out for you because I just put year-round weed and plant killer in that soil so nothing can grow there."  We said we'd take our chances.  Of course, she didn't like that at all.

Speaking of gardens...
What was that word I needed to remember again??  Oh yeah... Patience!
I really do believe this whole thing is a blessing in disguise.  And surprisingly, it kind-of sprung Joseph OUT of his depression that I posted about yesterday.  He's so happy to be done with this landlady.  He's been wanting to move but couldn't really decide.  Now the decision is set for us and made that part easier for him.  For this, I am very grateful.

Off the fly last night, we threw together a skate party with some of the other tenants and a few old friends.  Joseph came out and celebrated with us.  He hopped on the Ripstik and danced to some music.  I was very, very proud of him!!

We're trying to keep our heads up.  I couldn't sleep last night and I've cried a lot.  There are people here that I just can't bear to leave.  I feel like half of my body is being severed from me!! My heart is aching, it's just completely broken.  Nevertheless, I am at peace.  I really believe this will be a good change.  We will need a bigger place to foster.  In fact both of us think we may end up fostering, perhaps adopting more than two children.  Heck!  We might even end up like our director with 15 more! Ha ha!

-Alicia

If It Gets Me Convicted

I woke up the other day with this song playing over in my head.  It's one of those where the tune didn't grab me right away but I instantly loved the lyrics.

"Guilty"

by, Newsboys

When did it become breaking a rule

To say your name out loud in school

When your names the only one that sets us free

When did it become incorrect

To speak the truth about life and death

When your life gave us all eternity

Even if it gets me convicted

I'll be on my knees with my hands lifted

If serving you's against the law of man

If living out my faith in you is banned

Then I'll stand right before the jury

If saying I believe is out of line

If I'm judged cause I'm gonna give my life

To show the world the love that fills me

Then I want to be Guilty

I'll rise up and honor you

I'll testify to all the good you do

Cause your Grace and your Mercy have overtaken me

 I want to be Guilty by association

Guilty of being a voice proclaiming Your ways

Your truth

Your life

I'll pay the price to be your light

Then I want to be Guilty by association

Guilty of being a voice proclaiming Your ways

Your truth

Your life

I'll pay the price to be your light

Oh I want to be Guilty

When we choose to follow Christ, we do not follow the popular crowd.  Think of all the martyrs, all those prophets and apostles who have gone before!!  When have they ever been applauded, appreciated, respected, or admired by the mainstream of society?? 

In our scripture study with the children, we discussed how real these persecutions are today.  I told them of the time President Hunter was threatened with a bomb when speaking at a BYU Fireside and how the congregation courageously stood and sang, "We Thank Thee O' God for a Prophet."  Tears welled up in my eyes and I testified to my kids that there is no doubt they will have opportunities to display this kind of conviction and faith.  I expressed my confidence in them, I know they will stand strong no matter the cost and that they will be a light and a beacon in a very darkening world.  

 In our ward Book of Mormon study today, we read the story of Abinidi.  In these last days, I can't help but feel we need to do all we can to strengthen and fortify our faith.  I believe it's going to get rough for us.  We will need to seek courage like Abinidi, stand with the prophets, and "stand as a witness of God, at all times, in all things, and in all places, even until death." (Mosiah 18:9)

 This is the courage we must cultivate and it starts with speaking up and speaking out, especially to those within our stewardship.  It is not about maintaining popularity, forget popularity! (Isaiah 2:22)  It's about what is right and true!

When I think of how boldly Abinidi stood before the court, I think of this incredible story Parley P. Pratt told about Joseph Smith:

“We had lain as if in sleep till the hour of midnight had passed, and our ears and hearts had been pained, while we had listened for hours to the obscene jests, the horrid oaths, the dreadful blasphemies and filthy language of our guards.”

 Elder Pratt Continued:

“I had listened till I became so disgusted, shocked, horrified, and so filled with the spirit of indignant justice that I could scarcely refrain from rising upon my feet and rebuking the guards; but [I] had said nothing to Joseph, or any one else, although I lay next to him and knew he was awake. On a sudden he arose to his feet, and spoke in a voice of thunder, or as the roaring lion, uttering, as near as I can recollect, the following words:

“‘SILENCE. … In the name of Jesus Christ I rebuke you, and command you to be still; I will not live another minute and hear such language. Cease such talk, or you or I die THIS INSTANT!’”

Joseph “stood erect in terrible majesty,” as described by Elder Pratt. He was chained, without a weapon, and yet he was calm and dignified. He looked down upon the quailing guards, who were shrinking into a corner or crouching at his feet. These seemingly incorrigible men begged his pardon and remained quiet. [See Autobiography of Parley P. Pratt, ed. Parley P. Pratt Jr. (1938), 210–11.]

This is courage! This is majesty!  This is honor!
The truth is always worth standing for, even if it means we stand alone.
-Alicia

http://artofchristianity.blogspot.com/2008/02/please-pray-for-our-country.html
http://www.mormonnewsroom.org/article/elder-christofferson-religious-freedom-under-fire

Somewhere Safe - Ponderize - Week 37

...but there is somewhere safe.

How bad off are we as a country when a seven-year-old can't go to sleep because she is fearful of the choices we have for a Presidential Candidate?  Maybe it just means that we as parents need to be a little more cautious in our conversations or at least tone them down a bit.  Honestly, I didn't think we really said that much around her but it's amazing how much kids pay attention.

Kaylee timidly peered down the hallway with tears streaming down her face.  Joseph tucked her back in bed and sat patiently by her side listening to her express her concerns, 

"Can't we just move out of the country?" Kaylee asked between sobs.

Lovingly, Joseph responded, "Sweetheart, it's not that easy, I wish it was.  If America goes bad there's really not a lot of options left.  But, I can tell you that the safest place to live is always within reach.  Do you know where the safest place is?"

"Where?" She inquired with a feeling of hope.

Joseph pointed to her, "It's right where you are."

Kaylee looked confused.

Joseph explained, "It's right where you are because you have faith, you love Heavenly Father, and you have a righteous heart.  No matter where we live or what goes on around us, you can always be safe because you are 'armed with righteousness'". Then gently stroking her hair,  he reminded her of the story of Elisha in 2 Kings.
Kaylee's body relaxed and she was comforted to have her father at her side and to hear his testimony.

Joseph returned from helping her and relayed their conversation.  We discussed together our own views of the times in which we live for a while.  He shared with me a verse he's been focusing on in his studies and decided it would be a good one to ponder for the week.

"I Nephi, beheld the power of the Lamb of God, that it descended upon the saints of the church of the Lamb, and upon the covenant people of the Lord, who were scattered upon all the face of the earth; and they were armed with righteousness and with the power of God in great glory." - 1 Nephi 14:14

I love how Nephi beheld that they were scattered all throughout the earth.  There was no particular safe area or land but the power of God was found in the hearts of the covenant keeping people of the Lord wherever they were.  No, we can't run away from trouble but we can find peace and comfort in the middle of it all.

-Alicia :)

"Dear Younger Me" - Way-back Wednesday

Father's Day is around the corner and I feel as if I haven't really painted my dad in the best light when I've written about him. (I have mentioned that he's not the same person I knew as a child. And that's probably the most credit I've really given him.)  When I lived with my parents, dad was an emotional mess... and it showed in his violent abusive temper. As a kid, I was terrified of him.  He was a ticking time-bomb and you never knew when he was going to blow!  I remember changing the words to the primary song, "When Daddy Comes Home" to sing, "I'm so mad when daddy comes home, mad as I can be.... Put my hands around his neck and squeeze it tight like this.  Smack his cheeks and give him what?  A great big kick." I can't remember if I sang it out-loud like that but it was definitely in my head.

Dad began to seek help from the bishop when I was in highschool.  It didn't start off well and I remember being so embarrassed when I heard from my mom that in dad's initial interview, he left the bishop's office rather livid, swearing and slamming the door on his ecclesiastical leader. 

I never saw my dad cry until the year he attempted suicide three times.  Late one night when everyone had gone to bed, I lay there sleeping when I was awakened by a strange sound.  I listened closely.  I could hear someone weeping from the family room down the hall.  I climbed out of bed, silently peeked around the corner, and saw my dad kneeling in his bathrobe, praying out-loud and crying uncontrollably with deep and heavy sobs.  It surprised me and something within my heart changed at that moment.  The anger and resentment I felt for him was replaced by compassion and empathy.  I knew I had to forgive him because he so desperately wanted to change.  He hated himself for all he had done.

As I began to study the scriptures and become more involved in seminary, forgiving him became much easier.  At that time in my life, I also learned some things about my dad's childhood that helped me understand his explosive behavior.  And just recently, I've gained more perspective from reading "The Body Keeps the Score".  I guess I never realized that he was a serious trauma victim!

My dad was the oldest of ten children.  (It was a "your's-mine-and-our's" situation.)  Even though he had nine younger siblings, his parents called him "Little Lee" to differentiate between him and his father (who he was named after).  My dad had a lot of energy as a kid.  (I don't know what normal boy doesn't.) But back then, his parents didn't understand it was normal and struggled desperately for ways to deal with it.  They took him to a family therapist who poorly advised them,  "Whenever 'little Lee' gets out of hand,  tie him in a straight jacket away from the others in the basement until he 'calms' down."  

That's how they dealt with it.  Can you imagine??!

This was only the beginning of his trauma.

When he was nine, his mother passed away from breast cancer and two years later he lost his younger sister to Leukemia.  His step-mother was young (almost 17 years younger than his father).  She was terribly jealous of my dad's mom and would never let anyone grieve her loss.  

As a teenager, my dad remembered one morning laying in bed and being awakened by a sharp stinging pain in his shoulder.  He opened his eyes to see his step-mother standing over him glaring angrily.  Dazed and confused, he tried to sooth the pain by rubbing his arm.  He was bleeding and still in shock from such a rude awakening when he glanced down at the side of his bed and saw the shattered framed picture of his real mom on the floor.  He looked back up to hear his step-mother rebuking him threateningly, "I don't ever want to see this picture hanging in your room again!!"  (This is just one example of the abuse he faced but there were other moments like it.)

Despite all his trauma growing up, he served a church mission and when it was completed, he pursued a degree in elementary education and psychology.  He says that living away from home in a dorm was the most free he had ever felt in his life. (I don't blame him.) 

At the University, he made a lot of friends and was in a singing group.  I always loved the fact that my dad liked to sing.  He made a great baritone.  I think music was healing for him.  He loved to play the piano and the guitar.  His favorite artists were Anne Murray, Cat Stevens, and Simon & Garfunkel.  (I played all my dad's records and learned to love that genre.  It was healing for me too.)  We were in a choir together when I graduated from highschool. I'll never forget singing Handel's Messiah with him and the Oratorio Society of Utah at SLC's Tabernacle.  

See, life wasn't all bad... I have other good memories of my father too:  Dad loved camping and every summer we would visit a National Park as a family.  He took tons of pictures everywhere we went. (I appreciate that so much more now than I did then.) He liked word games such as Boggle or Scrabble and strategy games like Chess (at least those are the ones I remember playing with him).  Dad had a very dry sense of humor (he had a pun for everything) and any time he sneezed he tried to make it sound as goofy as possible.  I got really good at giving courtesy laughs. Dad loved books, especially children's books... he had tons on hand because he was a school teacher. He loved C.S. Lewis and from him I learned about The Chronicles of Narnia. 

These were all very good things in my life.

It has been an interesting journey over the past 20 or so years for me to come to a place of understanding about my dad, to see that his outbursts weren't my fault (and in some ways they weren't even his fault).  He had never been taught how to deal with his emotions in a healthy way.  Even still, he admitted to his wrongs, he experienced a mighty change of heart, and repented, fully repented.  I'm proud of him for it.  He has hope in and through the Savior and His wonderful, atoning sacrifice.  Today, we enjoy sharing our faith and testimony with each other over the phone or in person. I love my dad!!

I heard this song "Dear Younger Me" the other day on the radio and thought of the scared child I was growing up and how often I'd blame myself for my "punishments".  I thought of how many times I wished I hadn't been born into the family I was given.  But today... the older me would say to the younger me, "Alicia, this is the perfect family for you.  It is in this home you will learn to have compassion, you will learn to forgive, you will learn to love those who do not love themselves, you will witness great miracles, you will witness hearts change, and you will come to know the Savior in a very deep and personal way."

Compared to my dad's childhood, my life was quite easy.  I can see where he did try to give something better than what he had.  I wonder too (with all that my dad went through and with the redemption he witnessed) if he would write this same letter to himself?

-Alicia

  

"Dear Younger Me" 
by, Mercy Me

Dear younger me
Where do I start
If I could tell you everything that I have learned so far
Then you could be
One step ahead
Of all the painful memories still running thru my head
I wonder how much different things would be
Dear younger me, dear younger me

Dear younger me
I cannot decide
Do I give some speech about how to get the most out of your life
Or do I go deep
And try to change
The choices that you’ll make cuz they’re choices that made me
Even though I love this crazy life
Sometimes I wish it was a smoother ride
Dear younger me, dear younger me

If I knew then what I know now
Condemnation would’ve had no power
My joy my pain would’ve never been my worth
If I knew then what I know now
Would’ve not been hard to figure out
What I would’ve changed if I had heard

Dear younger me
It’s not your fault
You were never meant to carry this beyond the cross
Dear younger me

You are holy
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand new heart
You are free indeed

Every mountain every valley
Thru each heartache you will see
Every moment brings you closer
To who you were meant to be
Dear younger me, dear younger me

You are holy
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand new heart
You are free indeed

"Oh, The Places We'll Go"

“You won't lag behind,
because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang
and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly,
you'll be best of the best.
Wherever you go,
you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't.
Because, sometimes, you won't.”
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You'll Go!

Through all of our foster training we've been able to get more of an idea of what we're up against and what will be required of us as individuals and as a family. This is not a small task and it will require all our diligence, all our patience, all our strength, all our energy, and all our love.   I admit that it's kind of frightening.  We don't feel cut out for it and it seems that's exactly what the Adversary wants us to keep feeling: doubt, discouragement, fear, insecurity.

On top of this... It seems that in these last few days all hell has combined to stir up contention among our children.  They have been at each other's throats and my husband and I have been beside ourselves in knowing how to calm them.  It's been discouraging because circumstances like these cause us both to question our ability to handle the additional stresses that will come with foster parenting.  Maybe our children are feeling nervous about the adjustments that will come with this brand new life too and they've just had trouble identifying and expressing such fears?  I don't blame them.  This is huge!!

“And when you're alone there's a very good chance

you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants

There are some, down the road between hither and yon,

that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.” 

― Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You'll Go!

The specific trials that lie ahead are unknown to us and it doesn't do any good speculating how we will handle them.  The truth is, we are sure in our decision and we're not backing down, no matter how much the adversary tries to thwart our resolve.  After our family prayer this morning, we discussed how clearly our mission to foster children unfolded before us and we both bore testimony without any doubt that it's what we need to do despite all the opposition.

In my personal scripture study, I just finished reading about the story of the Jaredites.  They embarked on an unknown journey to a place they'd never been before, launching into the vast and open sea, "commending themselves unto the Lord their God" (Ether 6:4) They faced opposing forces on every hand and it took an immense amount of faith... but look at where it led them... to the promised land!

I like how Moroni inserts his testimony in this record, "Faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith." (Ether 12:6)

Our faith will certainly be on trial... It will be tried and tested in ways we can't comprehend but it will bring about great things! We are confident of that even though "We don't feel ready, We don't feel steady, [and we] Question all we really have to give..."

The truth still remains the same...

"A little somethin' Might feel like nothin' But in His hands it's all we'll ever need
To speak life to the broken Watch the blind eyes open
It's who He's calling you and me To be
It's time to get our hands dirty
Be love... there's a whole lot of hurting
Calling all hearts Calling all hands Calling all feet to take a stand
Why sit around and wait for a miracle to come
when we can be one"
- Natalie Grant - Be One - 

It will all work out.  We're going to give it our very best.  The Lord is guiding our journey... and... Oh, the places we'll go!!

"[We]'re off to Great Places!

Today is [our] day!

Our mountain is waiting.

So...[we're] on [our] way!” 

― Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You'll Go!

-Alicia :)
The Future is as Bright as Your Faith - President Thomas S. Monson
To The Rescue
I Was a Stranger