Trust

I love these two verses in Alma 36.

"I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions and shall be lifted up at the last day.... I have been supported under trials and troubles of every kind, yea, and in all manner of afflictions; yea, God has delivered me... yea, and I do put my trust in Him, and He will still deliver me." 

- Alma 36: 3 & 27

I can testify just the same as Alma did. I know that God loves us, that He is real! I know that if we put our trust in Him, there is nothing we can't make it through. He will guide our path all along the way.

- Alicia

Nourishing to be Nourished

I'm studying nutrition at BYU this semester and I just happen to be finishing up Alma 32 in my personal scripture study. I love the last two verses:

"Because of your diligence and your faith and your patience with the word in nourishing it, that it may take root in you, behold, by and by ye shall pluck the fruit thereof, which is most precious, which is sweet above all that is sweet, and which is white above all that is white, yea, and pure above all that is pure; and ye shall feast upon this fruit even until ye are filled, that ye hunger not, neither shall ye thirst.

Then, my brethren, ye shall reap the rewards of your faith, and your diligence, and patience, and long-suffering, waiting for the tree to bring forth fruit unto you." - Alma 32:42-43

In the context of physical nutrition, I've been reading about ancient whole grains and the health benefits that we experience when they are a part of our every-day diet.  It's interesting how physical AND spiritual grains nourish us, like the word of God. Both physical and spiritual grains are best in their purest form and work in a cycle dependent on the time, attention, and priority we give them. 

Staying physically and spiritually nourished requires all our diligence, faith, patience, and hard work. The reward is - sustainability and quality of life.

I hear of members who far too often say that they just don't have time for the scriptures every day. Even prayer seems to be too much of a burden. Yet, these two things - prayer and scripture (ancient and modern) - are absolutely vital to our spiritual health. We must MAKE TIME for them! This is water and soil, sunlight and air! We can't just set them aside and expect the garden of our life to grow properly. First things first: Prayer and study - nourishing the word so it can grow, bear fruit, and nourish us is a DAILY, process to "reap the rewards of [our]faith." 

-Alicia

Seeking to Learn

I've really enjoyed Education Week so far! Joseph, Chandler, Miriam, and I have all been going to the evening classes. Two of my classes are on improving marriage.

Some of my biggest take-away's from the marriage classes have been my need to purposefully and deliberately choose a more positive vocabulary. When expressing desires or emotions with Joseph and the kids, I know that I set the tone quite often in my home... It's good for me to evaluate if my conversations are centered on complaining or complimenting. I think by praying daily for the ability to recognize the law of the harvest in my home, I will more consciously sow positive expressions and sincere praise.

Because life rarely goes how we expect it to, it can be easy to feel a little jaded. This is where I think faith comes in. Don't expect so much -be more grateful for small things. It takes faith to keep putting forth effort, time, energy, and positive reinforcements into our most vital relationships -  It takes faith because we rarely see the results right away. But no kind words, no thoughtful gesture, no act of self-less service, no time set aside for our spouse or our children is ever wasted!

I enjoyed a youth class with my kids the other evening about trials. The speaker cited from the lives of some ancient and modern day prophets who went through severe trials. He drew our attention to how their lives unfolded in the end and that it was the very hardships and struggles that shaped and molded them into the inspirational characters of history we revere.

I found a verse in my scripture study today that goes well with these thoughts on trials:

"The Lord God caused that there should be a furious wind blow upon the face of the waters, towards the promised land; and thus they were tossed upon the waves of the sea before the wind.... And it came to pass that the wind did never cease to blow towards the promised land while they were upon the waters; and thus they were driven forth before the wind, and they did sing praises unto the Lord" - Ether 6:5,8,9

I'm sure the wind and waves made the Jaredites very sick and frustrated multiple times on their journey across the ocean...  but it was those very two elements that God used to get them to the promised land. I'm sure in the end, they were praising the Lord for the wind and waves. This gives me hope.

-Alicia

Steady as she goes!

This last week of summer vacation, our family is going to spend a couple days hiking, camping, kayaking and rafting with the Nimer family. This is our last push for making fun memories before all our schedules go crazy after school starts.

Provo's district starts on the 15th this month.  I'll have two kids in high school now! (Well... part-time high school). Chanlder and  Miriam really like the idea of being homeschooled with their core classes and taking their extracurricular on campus. So, every-other-day I still get to have all my kids home. :)

I start school up again at BYU on the 5th of September. I'm taking a nutrition and wellness class that's twice a week, early in the morning. I'm keeping my schedule light because of foster care. I just never know when we're going to get "bonus kids" or how long they will stay.  There's always a bit of necessary adjusting after the first few days and nights of a new placement.

Every new school year, I feel like I'm jumping in to a big ocean of unknowns and changes. Every year is so different from the last. Challenges will present themselves through trying to balance the kid's school, my school, Joseph's work, Chandler's new job, foster care, and my church calling.  I read this quote this morning and think it's a good reminder amid all the scheduling:

It can be tricky trying to take things slowly in our daily hectic schedules. But remember the story of the tortoise and the hare? "Slow and steady wins the race." Speaking of "steady," I read a verse in Helaman 15:8 today that talks about freedom resulting from being "firm and steadfast in the faith". 

President Uchdorf put it another way, "If life and its rushed pace and many stresses have made it difficult for you to feel like rejoicing, then perhaps now is a good time to refocus on what matters most.

Strength comes not from frantic activity but from being settled on a firm foundation of truth and light. It comes from placing our attention and efforts on the basics of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. It comes from paying attention to the divine things that matter most."

The pressures of daily living, raising a family, work, school, service in the community and church, can feel like tumultuous ocean waves beating upon us. There's a old nautical phrase the sailors say, "steady as she goes." Steady. Steadfast. Keep the course of what matters most.

Basically, as long as I make sure to always slow down enough to make time for my daily spiritual nourishment and the daily spiritual nourishment of my family, I can feel peace in the middle of a storm.

President Ezra Taft Benson testified that, "When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities."

-Alicia

Pour Out Your Soul and Have Faith

When Helaman's army was struggling in battle, there's a couple of verses that are reminiscent of my own struggles and my own battles in my life. It's almost as if I could write these very same words!

"[I]did pour out [my] soul in prayer to God, that He would strengthen [me]..."
"And it came to pass the Lord our God did visit [me] with assurances that He would deliver [me]; yea, inosomuch that He did speak peace to [my] soul, and did grant unto [me] great faith, and did cause [me] that [I] should hope for our deliverance in Him. And [I] did take courage..."
- Alma 58:10-12

For me the "deliverance" doesn't always mean my particular trial or struggle has been removed from my life but more so I am strengthened beyond my natural capacity to handle it... peace and hope enter my heart, and the Spirit of God blesses me to take courage, to get up, to march forth in my battles knowing the Savior is leading the way.

-Alicia

Notwithstanding My Weakness

I listened to this talk by Neal A. Maxwell today. I found it by searching for sermons that addressed feeling weak or inadequate in our callings in the church. Let's just say...  I really needed this!!

.......................

What can we do to manage these vexing feelings of inadequacy? Here are but a few suggestions:

1.  We can distinguish more clearly between divine discontent and the devil’s dissonance, between dissatisfaction with self and disdain for self. We need the first and must shun the second, remembering that when conscience calls to us from the next ridge, it is not solely to scold but also to beckon.

2.  We can contemplate how far we have already come in the climb along the pathway to perfection; it is usually much farther than we acknowledge. True, we are “unprofitable servants,” but partly because when “we have done that which was our duty to do” (Luke 17:10), with every ounce of such obedience comes a bushel of blessings.

3.  We can accept help as well as gladly give it. Happily, General Naaman received honest but helpful feedback, not from fellow generals, but from his orderlies. (See 2 Kgs. 5:1–14.) In the economy of heaven, God does not send thunder if a still, small voice is enough, or a prophet if a priest can do the job.

4.  We can allow for the agency of others (including our children) before we assess our adequacy. Often our deliberate best is less effectual because of someone else’s worst.

5.  We can write down, and act upon, more of those accumulating resolutions for self-improvement that we so often leave, unrecovered, at the edge of sleep.

6.  We can admit that if we were to die today, we would be genuinely and deeply missed. Perhaps parliaments would not praise us, but no human circle is so small that it does not touch another, and another.

7.   We can put our hand to the plow, looking neither back nor around, comparatively. Our gifts and opportunities differ; some are more visible and impactful. The historian Moroni felt inadequate as a writer beside the mighty Mahonri Moriancumer, who wrote overpoweringly. We all have at least one gift and an open invitation to seek “earnestly the best gifts.” (D&C 46:8.)

8.   We can make quiet but more honest inventories of our strengths, since, in this connection, most of us are dishonest bookkeepers and need confirming “outside auditors.” He who was thrust down in the first estate delights to have us put ourselves down. Self-contempt is of Satan; there is none of it in heaven. We should, of course, learn from our mistakes, but without forever studying the instant replays as if these were the game of life itself.

9.   We can add to each other’s storehouse of self-esteem by giving deserved, specific commendation more often, remembering, too, that those who are breathless from going the second mile need deserved praise just as the fallen need to be lifted up.

10.   We can also keep moving. Only the Lord can compare crosses, but all crosses are easier to carry when we keep moving. Men finally climbed Mount Everest, not by standing at its base in consuming awe, but by shouldering their packs and by placing one foot in front of another. Feet are made to move forward—not backward!

11.   We can know that when we have truly given what we have, it is like paying a full tithe; it is, in that respect, all that was asked. The widow who cast in her two mites was neither self-conscious nor searching for mortal approval.

12.   We can allow for the reality that God is more concerned with growth than with geography. Thus, those who marched in Zion’s Camp were not exploring the Missouri countryside but their own possibilities.

13.   We can learn that at the center of our agency is our freedom to form a healthy attitude toward whatever circumstances we are placed in! Those, for instance, who stretch themselves in service—though laced with limiting diseases—are often the healthiest among us! The Spirit can drive the flesh beyond where the body first agrees to go!

14.   Finally, we can accept this stunning, irrevocable truth: Our Lord can lift us from deep despair and cradle us midst any care. We cannot tell Him anything about aloneness or nearness!

- Neal A. Maxwell - Notwithstanding My Weakness - October 1976

The Pathway to Peace

These past twelve months have been some of the hardest months of my entire life. Our family has gone through some dramatic and painful changes. In reflection of all that has happened, I keep asking myself what there is to learn from it all. What is the Lord trying to teach me? What is He trying to teach us?

I keep thinking of the Serenity Prayer:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 

the courage to change the things I can, 

and the wisdom to know the difference." 

Oh, how I pray through all the struggle, "Please help me to learn wisdom!!"

It's funny, but I almost forgot.

As I typed this serenity prayer, a memory flashed into my mind.
When Joseph and I were engaged, a week or two before our wedding date, he became terribly paralyzed with fear, almost to the point of calling the wedding off. I remember him saying, "I promise, It's not you, it's me. I'm afraid I will fail as a husband and father. I'm afraid I won't be able to endure when things get tough." 

I think we all face similar fears throughout our lives. Turn on the news or take a walk down the street, and you'll see some of the best marriages and families falling apart right before your eyes.  No one wants to become another statistic.

As a response to my husband's engagement jitters, I bought him this serenity prayer etched in glass. It looked a little something like the one I've posted here -- the only difference is the one I gave him was rectangle and also had a rose at the bottom. 

He warned me before we married that he suffered greatly with depression. I told him not to worry because four of my six family members had severe depression and not much could phase me: My mom was hospitalized for at least a month or so more than three times for her bipolar. And my dad, brother, and sister had all attempted suicide and had been hospitalized for that. I assured Joseph then from my family experiences that I was quite familiar with depression.

I don't know if that consoled him or not. Ha! It probably frightened him even more thinking about the genes we'd pass on to our children.  I'm just grateful that our kids so far seem to be doing great and despite my husband's depression through all these years, Joseph has never needed to be admitted to a facility like my mom, dad, or siblings. Of course, he's had his rough moments but who doesn't? He's doing far better than the members of my family did. I think he's done quite alright!

It's interesting though, I look back on how our marriage has unfolded together, all that we've been through, and the little gift I bought when he was feeling so low-- I realize that prayer was more for me than it was for him. All these years, through every hardship we have faced, every struggle, this prayer has come into my mind. 

And guess what? Today, after all these years, I discovered that there is more to the prayer. Can you believe it? All this time and I'm only now finding this out. I love this second half. It's absolutely beautiful! This is the prayer in its entirety:

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change; 

courage to change the things I can; 

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; 

enjoying one moment at a time; 

accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 

taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it; 

trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will; 

that I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

forever in the next. 

Amen.

- Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

I like that line, "accepting hardships as the pathway to peace... trusting that He [God] will make all things right". So many of us often fear tribulation because in the moment it feels like it's going to take us down, like it's going to crush us - but there is another side to it we often don't see. 

Napoleon Hill once said, "Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit." That's the vision we want to capture when we come face to face with life's struggles. Wisdom, character, and beauty are forged in the furnace of affliction. Therefore, "Let me embrace thee, sour adversity, for wise men say it is the wisest course." -William Shakespeare

-Alicia

Together

Lately, Joseph sends me a email randomly about once a week with expressions of love and encouragement. I've thanked him graciously but words fail to describe how much his little notes mean.

As we work side-by-side with this particular foster case and monitor our own children's behavior as a result, we are facing some very difficult choices. This past week, Joseph sent me a couple of links to some conference talks as encouragement. These are some of the quotes that really stood out to me in them:

"[Life’s journey] is a pathway marked by forks and turnings. Decisions are constantly before us. To make them wisely, courage is needed: the courage to say, “No,” the courage to say, “Yes.” Decisions do determine destiny." - President Thomas S. Monson

"It isn’t as bad as you sometimes think it is.
It all works out. Don’t worry. …
The Lord will not forsake us.
He will not forsake us.
If we will put our trust in Him,
if we will pray to Him,
if we will live worthy of His blessings,
He will hear our prayers."
-President Gordon B. Hinckley

I'm so grateful for Joseph, for his companionship. These past few years, he has learned to give simple gestures, affection, and expressions that truly sustain me. I commit to doing the same for him. This is what it's all about.

"It is so rewarding to be married. Marriage is wonderful. In time you begin to think alike and have the same ideas and impressions. You have times when you are extremely happy, times of testing, and times of trial, but the Lord guides you through all of those growth experiences together." - Richard G. Scott

-Alicia

One of Joseph's many emails :)

Rise Each Time You Fall

 I wasn't able to sit in Sacrament Meeting for our own ward today because I had Stake business... which meant Joseph was on his own with the kids. I was a little distracted in my other meetings because I was so worried that it was going to be another one of those Sundays where our foster kids displayed their hatred for the Sabbath in every possible way, pushing and resisting, fighting and ignoring, squirming and sassing... you know--the whole nine yards. I just didn't want Joseph to have to deal with that by himself because it's so draining.

You can imagine how pleased I was to find out that everything went well. The foster kids did amazing this time! They got along, they sat still, they didn't complain, or fight, or throw tantrums, or make rude remarks. Even tonight went smoothly for bed.  My foster daughter didn't scream for an hour like she has been for the last couple weeks. She went straight up to bed without a fight. I rotated through each child, scratching all their backs for five or six minutes each. Everyone was contented and everyone went to sleep without a struggle. Wow!

Days like these are just enough incentive for us to keep going.

The Stake business I had to attend to today was another ward's conference.  Bishop Speckheart of that ward spoke first and read this poem. I was glad to be there to hear it because I felt like the words were so applicable for this journey my husband and I are on.  I couldn't stop the tears from streaming down my face. This poem was exactly what I needed! Absolutely perfect!

The Race
by, D.H. Groberg

“Quit! Give Up! You’re beaten!”
They shout at me and plead.
“There’s just too much against you now.
This time you can’t succeed.”

And as I start to hang my head
In front of failure’s face,
My downward fall is broken by
The memory of a race.

And hope refills my weakened will
As I recall that scene;
For just the thought of that short race
Rejuvenates my being.

A children’s race–young boys, young men–
How I remember well.
Excitement, sure! But also fear;
It wasn’t hard to tell.

They all lined up so full of hope
Each thought to win that race.
Or tie for first, or if not that,
At least take second place.

And fathers watched from off the side
Each cheering for his son.
And each boy hoped to show his dad
That he would be the one.

The whistle blew and off they went
Young hearts and hopes afire.
To win and be the hero there
Was each young boy’s desire.

And one boy in particular
Whose dad was in the crowd
Was running near the lead and thought:
“My dad will be so proud!”

But as they speeded down the field
Across a shallow dip,
The little boy who thought to win
Lost his step and slipped.

Trying hard to catch himself
His hands flew out to brace,
And mid the laughter of the crowd
He fell flat on his face.

So down he fell and with him hope
–He couldn’t win it now–
Embarrassed, sad, he only wished
To disappear somehow.

But as he fell his dad stood up
And showed his anxious face,
Which to the boy so clearly said,
“Get up and win the race.”

He quickly rose, no damage done,
–Behind a bit, that’s all–
And ran with all his mind and might
To make up for his fall.

So anxious to restore himself
–To catch up and to win–
His mind went faster than his legs:
He slipped and fell again!

He wished then he had quit before
With only one disgrace.
“I’m hopeless as a runner now;
I shouldn’t try to race.”

But in the laughing crowd he searched
And found his father’s face;
That steady look which said again:
“Get up and win the race!”

So up he jumped to try again
–Ten yards behind the last–
“If I’m to gain those yards,” he thought,
“I’ve got to move real fast.”

Exerting everything he had
He regained eight or ten,
But trying so hard to catch the lead
He slipped and fell again!

Defeat! He lied there silently
–A tear dropped from his eye–
“There’s no sense running anymore;
Three strikes: I’m out! Why try!”

The will to rise had disappeared;
All hope had fled away;
So far behind, so error prone;
A loser all the way.

“I’ve lost, so what’s the use,” he thought
“I’ll live with my disgrace.”
But then he thought about his dad
Who soon he’d have to face.

“Get up,” an echo sounded low.
“Get up and take your place;
You were not meant for failure here.
Get up and win the race.”

With borrowed will "get up,” it said,
“You haven’t lost at all.
For winning is no more than this:
To rise each time you fall.”

So up he rose to run once more,
And with a new commit
He resolved that win or lose
At least he wouldn’t quit.

So far behind the others now,
–The most he’d ever been–
Still he gave it all he had
And ran as though to win.

Three times he’d fallen, stumbling;
Three times he rose again;
Too far behind to hope to win
He still ran to the end.

They cheered the winning runner
As he crossed the line first place.
Head high, and proud, and happy;
No falling, no disgrace.

But when the fallen youngster
Crossed the line last place,
The crowd gave him the greater cheer,
For finishing the race.

And even though he came in last
With head bowed low, unproud,
You would have thought he’d won the race
To listen to the crowd.

And to his dad he sadly said,
“I didn’t do too well.”
“To me, you won,” his father said.
“You rose each time you fell.”

And now when things seem dark and hard
And difficult to face,
The memory of that little boy
Helps me in my race.

For all of life is like that race,
With ups and downs and all.
And all you have to do to win,
Is rise each time you fall.

“Quit! Give up! You’re beaten!”
They still shout in my face.
But another voice within me says:
“GET UP AND WIN THE RACE!”

Feels more like falling...

Today was a little rough. Actually, this past week has been more rough than usual. (And that's saying something) I think I've been feeling a little guilty for the time it takes to care for the foster kids and I worry that my biological children feel slighted or pushed off to the side. I had a team meeting on Monday, my foster son's school performance on Tuesday, a DSFS evaluation for two hours on Wednesday, and they've just increased the required parent visits to a total of four hours a week, plus preschool with mom so she can receive parental training with her own daughter which adds up to an additional 9 hours a week.

Now, I get that more parent/child time is needed since the end goal is to reunite these kids with their biological family but it makes the foster kids more emotional, more confused, more difficult to redirect.

I've been so concerned about making sure my own biological children don't feel neglected as I try to work through these issues with the fosters. I've forced myself to stay up past midnight several nights in a row because that's the only time I'll get to just scratch their backs one by one and talk to the children.

I asked some questions on our support group page and immediately a whole bunch of other foster parents chimed in to give their encouragement and validation.  

A foster mom related, "One thing that one of my bio children said to me this past summer was, 'You don't know what it's like to share your mom with someone else!' Until that point, I didn't understand her frustration, now I am very careful with how much time is spent with each bio/adopted and foster children. It is a very fine line to walk so that your own children do not build resentment towards you. Foster Care is the hardest thing I have done in my life.  

Dozens of comments came back where I knew I had a community who understood my concerns completely.  

A couple of comments were a little more light-hearted like this one from a foster dad, 

"We thought that as long as the foster kids were little, and younger than our bio kids, then there would be no problems. Bwahahahahaha!"

Others shared ideas of how to unify our family and nourish each relationship, to help create bonds with the bios and the fosters. I'm excited to try some of the ideas. 

One particular woman's comments were so great that I had to visit her profile page.  There, I discovered this cool photo I have displayed at the top of this post: "Sometime's you gotta fall before you fly."

*Sigh* - Jumping in with both feet can be a little scary.... It's the story of my life though.

"Courage is not the absence of fear; it is the ability to act in spite of it." - anonymous 

-Alicia

That Same Sociality

Last night, I took Miriam and Kaylee to a world-wide broadcast of a meeting for all the women in the church ages eight and older.  I also brought my 3-yr-old foster daughter in order to allow the boys at home to be able to "comfortably watch" their action movie while we were away.

At the church, my girls instantly found their friends and bounced happily into the open seats next them. They are always so thrilled to be around Hannah, Mia, and Oli. I was also very glad to connect with their mom, Carol, who is my dear friend,

After the meeting was over,  Carol and her daughters climbed into our van with us to find a good place to grab some milkshakes and visit with each other more.  I met Carol two-and-a-half years ago but it seems much longer than that.

My life is so completely different from when I first met her.  I guess you could say her life is completely different too.  It was great to share with one another some of the lessons we've been learning along the way.  Carol has such a beautiful testimony of God and His involvement in our lives.  She's incredibility compassionate, intelligent, and brave. I truly admire her! It made my whole day, my whole week, to spend that hour-and-a-half together -- just the two of us and our girls. I think I really needed that.

I'm grateful to know "that same sociality which exists among us here [on earth] will exist among us [in heaven]" - D&C 130:2

-Alicia

Even If... through the fire

There's a new song out by MercyMe  I wanted to share this evening. My hope in doing so is that it might be encouraging to someone who is consumed by despair from the burning flames of life's fiery furnace.

These verses strike my heart the most, The song is a prayer to God, one I think every Christian has felt at some moment in their life.

"It's easy to sing
When there's nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I'm held to the flame
Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone"

This reminds me very much of the wonderful talk given By Dennis E. Simmons thirteen years ago, But If Not, especially the last two paragraphs.

We must have the same faith as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego.

"Our God will deliver us from ridicule and persecution, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from sickness and disease, but if not … . He will deliver us from loneliness, depression, or fear, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from threats, accusations, and insecurity, but if not. … He will deliver us from death or impairment of loved ones, but if not, … we will trust in the Lord.

Our God will see that we receive justice and fairness, but if not. … He will make sure that we are loved and recognized, but if not. … We will receive a perfect companion and righteous and obedient children, but if not, … we will have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, knowing that if we do all we can do, we will, in His time and in His way, be delivered and receive all that He has."

 We might not have the answers to some of our experiences right now. Time may reveal it or at least content our souls with not knowing. But one thing is certain - God loves us and will see us through every heartache as we seek Him.

-Alicia

Shooting Star

My foster daughter has regular hour-long, sometimes two hour-long, melt-downs every morning. She doesn't like to go to the bathroom or get dressed: She knows how to do it perfectly well on her own but it's always a power-struggle. Sometimes, she'll have several of these a day.  She is used to a life with absolutely no rules and no boundaries whatsoever... so any correction, any asking her to wait, or any form of giving her instruction usually sends her flying into a full scale fit of rage. It's interesting, because in middle of her kicking, scratching and flailing, she screams at the top of her lungs, "I want you, Alicia!!  I want you!!"

This desperate display of such  contrasting desires goes on in most foster children: At the very same time they are acting out in horrible violent behavior, they are also pleading and begging for loving, affectionate physical reassurance... And let me tell you, it is the hardest thing to give in those moments.

For the past few weeks, our foster son has also had an increase of "tantrums"--displaying the same kinds of pushing away and pulling us in. He has started to lay around more, sitting and sulking about what is required in order to be able to play video games. He fights against every rule of our home--stomping, sassing, slamming, protesting... and seconds later he wants a big huge bear hug.

We were told about this common push/pull behavior from other foster parents, just didn't realize how extreme it would be and how hard to recover from.

I was pretty worn out after his tantrum last night and her morning melt-down today.

However, I feel the Lord blessed me with a compassion beyond my own ability.  After she finally got dressed, I scooped up my screaming foster daughter and held her until she relaxed in my arms. I leaned up against the bedroom wall and slid my tired body to the floor, continuing to just hold her. She wrapped her arms around me and tucked her head deep into my shoulder completely silent.  After about ten minutes, she pulled back to look at my face.  I sighed wearily, "Sweetheart, you need to learn to relax and not panic so quickly. You know how to do these things. Please don't throw such a fit about it." She flopped back onto my shoulder again.  It must be so hard for her to live in such a different environment.

Later, I found some little activities to take my foster daughter's mind off of her anxieties and also give me some space.  After I could see she was content and calm, I walked down the hall and found Kaylee playing this song on the blue tooth, "Shooting Star" by, Owl City. I took a deep breath and listened closely. I don't think I had ever heard it before.  I liked the lyrics and asked her to play it again.

We're going to get through this. "Fill the darkest night with a brilliant light."
I think this will be my song for the day.

-Alicia

March Fourth

Today is the one day out of the year that gives us encouragement right there in its name.  So that's my message for today, March Forth! No matter what you might be going through, no matter how battered or weary you may feel, don't quit, don't lose faith, stay true to your loved ones, stay true to the Savior, and it will all work out.

To go along with the message of this day, I encourage you to listen to this talk by Elder Holland, However Long and Hard the Road.

"Brethren [and sisters], shall we not go on in so great a cause? Go forward and not backward. Courage, brethren; and on, on to the victory!" - Joseph Smith

-Alicia

Stronger

Joseph and I have grown so much closer together in the past three-and-a-half months. One of the reasons for this may be because foster care is such a terribly lonely road, there are so few people who understand how it affects the family. It's just one of those things that has to be experienced to grasp the full scale of it all.  Joseph and I have had to rely very heavily on each other for support, we've taken more time to be together, to go on dates, and to confide our hearts. 

When you foster, you invite an immense amount of trauma into your life and the lives of your children--The medical professionals call this secondary trauma. Because foster care is so taxing, so difficult, and so dramatically life-altering, it's important that we have a good team to work with: helpful resource counselors, informed social workers, and accessible support groups. 

Last night, Joseph and I met with the DCFS team for two hours. The meeting was very productive as we addressed every aspect and angle of the difficulties we're facing.  It felt so comforting to have them listen to us, to supply ways and ideas that will make our job a little easier and provide a better environment for the entire household.  We know our DCFS team genuinely cares about us and wants to make this work. 

In less than a month, the parent visits will increase to four hours a week (2 hrs on two different days), court hearings bi-weekly, and therapy two hours a week. Our schedules will definitely be more tight than they've ever been. I have to admit, this makes me a little more nervous to continue my schooling at BYU but I still believe that it's not impossible.

My husband and I are certainly learning to do hard things. We stumble and fall all along the way but we're learning.

I've been so proud to see Joseph increase in his resilience and optimism. He has been a good example to me of humility and faith.  This morning, he announced that he's going to hike Mt. Timponogos this August and he wants to start training with me mid-March. Anyone who knows Joseph would realize that this is absolutely huge for him! He usually hates any kind of exercise but he said he wants this to be a symbol of overcoming difficulty and persevering in the face of great opposition. It's amazing what has come over him!

We're going to make this. With God's grace, we will be strong enough.  We're going to make all of this together and come out on top. I am completely confident!

-Alicia :)

My Song for the Day

No Turning Back!

I never did end up serving a full-time mission but I imagine that many missionaries experience moments where they just want to go home, they want things to be the way they once were, in a place among people who speak their language, and where they are completely comfortable.

What if you were called to serve in an area where you felt like nothing you did made a difference, where the people rejected you, were mean to you, even when you tried to help them, nothing but hundreds of doors slammed in your face? Of course you would have moments where you wanted to go home.

I tried to use this analogy with Kaylee tonight as I laid in bed with her, scratching her back. She was relaxed with my body next to hers but her thoughts were still reflective. Today wasn't easy. Our foster daughter has a little problem with punching, scratching, and kicking others (all behaviors which are strictly forbidden in our family).  We're working on things, it will just take some training but Kaylee had a few wounds that were proof of the struggle today with her new "younger sibling."
She sighed and whispered, "Mom, I don't want to be a foster family anymore.  I just want our family."
I squeezed her tightly and kissed her head, "Honey, I know how you feel and it's okay to have those feelings. You are doing a wonderful job though! You've been so patient, and you're setting such a good example. Our foster kids will learn, we need to give them time."

I reminded her of her cousins who completed their full-time missions this year,
"Kaylee, what if Dane or Bryson decided that the place they were called to was just too hard? I'm sure there were many times they felt that way.  What if when things were rough, they quit and said, 'That's it! I'm going home!' Things weren't always easy but they stayed and finished their missions right up to the end."

She didn't respond to my question but her expression showed that she understood. "Sweetheart," I continued, "We've been called on a mission just like your cousins. Heavenly Father has asked us to serve in this place and with these specific children. We can't quit. We've got to stay here doing this work as long as God needs us to. Not all the moments are bad. We've had lots of good moments with these kids too."
My words seemed to click with her and her expression was more hopeful.

There really is no turning back. We've got to keep moving forward!!

I pray these experiences will become quite beneficial for my children as they face any uncomfortable calling or difficult task in the future:  college, a full-time mission, marriage, or raising their own children. I pray these experiences will teach them to learn the virtue of perseverance forged through faith. If it is a mission that God has called us to (and I know it is), then we can keep moving forward in total confidence and trust.  Everything is going to work out and we'll be better for it.

-Alicia

No Turning Back

ABC - 123

Around 22 years ago I was given a special blessing that reminds me of my life's mission. In that blessing I was told that because of my Savior's sacrifice, I might "not only have life but [I'll] have it most abundantly".  This is a promise to all true followers of Christ! As I reflect on what the phrase means to "have life most abundantly" I think of what we are here on earth for: to learn.

Education is part of the abundant life, especially the education that shapes and molds our eternal destiny.  So, let's talk a little about ABC's and 123's... :)

Thomas S. Monson describes the abundant life as something to be sought after like a quest--through three applied principles:

"A is for Attitude--So much in life depends on our attitude. The way we choose to see things and respond to others makes all the difference. To do the best we can and then to choose to be happy about our circumstances, whatever they may be, can bring peace and contentment.

B is for Believe--in yourself, in those around you, and in eternal principles... Don’t limit yourself and don’t let others convince you that you are limited in what you can do. Believe in yourself and then live so as to reach your possibilities. You can achieve what you believe you can. Trust and believe and have faith.

C is for Courage--Have the determination to make the effort, the single-mindedness to work toward a worthy goal, and the courage not only to face the challenges that inevitably come but also to make a second effort, should such be required. 'Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.'(Mary Anne Radmacher)"

- President Thomas S. Monson

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin gave a talk called "The Abundant Life" and in it, he lists three things that describe where we find it:

One-- Living Water: "Fully understood and embraced, the gospel of Jesus Christ heals broken hearts, infuses meaning into lives, binds loved ones together with ties that transcend mortality, and brings to life a sublime joy."

Two-- Love: "Love is the essence of the gospel and the greatest of all the commandments. The Savior taught that every other commandment and prophetic teaching hangs upon it.(Matt. 22:40). The Apostle Paul wrote that 'all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.'(Gal. 5:14)"

Three-- Make a masterpiece: "The third quality of those who live abundant lives is that they, with the help of their Heavenly Father, create a masterpiece of their lives. No matter our age, circumstances, or abilities, each one of us can create something remarkable of his life. David saw himself as a shepherd, but the Lord saw him as a king of Israel."

-Joseph B. Wirthlin

There you have it, my friends. It really is that simple.  It really is that beautiful! This really is the life!! Bless you in your noble quest to further your education! Enter to learn and go forth to serve! I believe in you.

-Alicia

Waves of Grief and Loss

"Grief seems to create losses within us that reach beyond our awareness; 

We feel as if we're missing something that was invisible and unknown to us while we had it, but is now painfully gone."

- Brene' Brown (From the book Rising Strong p.146)

I think that's exactly what my husband is going through, a period of grief--a type of mourning. Our old life that has passed away--how our family used to be, everything that was comfortable and familiar--now feels strange and foreign when he arrives home from work: different faces, different voices, different smells, different behaviors, different conflicts.

For the first few days after our foster placement, I felt the same kind of grief, the same sense of loss for our old lifestyle... and it still surfaces every now and then but I think I've had more time to adjust than my husband.  For two weeks before these children were officially placed with us, they were coming to our house for around five hours every day and went back home shortly after Joseph returned from work... so he didn't get as much of a primer. And still, after the placement, he's at work most of the time while I'm here with them. My ratio of opportunities to adjust simply outnumber his.

Big changes have never been easy for Joseph--the loss of what once was.
I remember two big changes where he nearly called everything off because he was so terrified of the pending upheaval of his familiar routine: our wedding day and our move to Provo. In his own words he says, "I was so terrified, I wanted to tuck tail and run!" And running away, is exactly what he's felt like doing with our new life as foster parents. Admittedly, several days ago, I was right there with him. Sometimes we both ask, "What the 'H' have we gotten ourselves into?!"

There are two things that help us hold our ground though:
One--the miraculous events, timing, and connections that led us to where we are. We know we've been called of God on this mission...
And two--thinking of our foster children's lives and the intense need they have for a stable family, free from living on the streets, free from the scene of drugs, free from abuse.
Where else would they go without having to leave their school, their friends, and the people they've come to know through this ward?

I recognize that this transition is going to take time for both of us and it's likely going to take more time for Joseph, because he's not home as much. The biggest thing I worry about is him being too hard on himself. The other night he said discouragingly, "Alicia, I'm the one who initially introduced the idea of being foster parents but now I don't feel like I can't do this. I just can't do this. I don't feel close to these children at all." I reassured him that I often feel the same but I know we're going to make it!

I've discovered that our older foster child needs about an hour every evening to just talk with me. If I don't allow him that conversation time, he begins to act out in poor behavior and wake all the other kids. I'm grateful though because our conversations have helped forge some very needful bonds, even if they're not as strong as I'd like them to be.

For the past nine nights, during the new bed-time routine, Joseph has been so terribly uncomfortable that the only way for him to cope has been to keep his distance: emotionally and physically. He hunkers downstairs writing in his journal or chats with Chandler for two hours while I put the other five to bed. I recognize how prone he is to depression so I haven't said anything.  The miracle is that the Lord has blessed me with an added measure of peace and strength to help me shoulder this compassionately while Joseph works through his grief of losing our old life.

"I once heard a friend say that grief is like surfing. 
Sometimes you feel steady and you're able to ride the waves, 
and other times the surf comes crashing down on you, 
pushing you so far underwater that you're sure you'll drown."

- Brene' Brown (From the book Rising Strong p.147)

The crashing waves remind me of the familiar story of Peter when Christ beckoned for him to step out onto the water. I know it seems impossible. I know it is frightening and overwhelming at times but I know Who is calling us and I trust Him. I trust Him with all my heart.
We won't drown. He's got this!

-Alicia

Walk On the Water

Six to Eight

Our family grows by two more today.  We're being placed with our first official foster children. I have their beds and dressers ready.  I bought a little stuffed animal for both of the children and wrote a small note to the older one welcoming him into our family. He's been coming over every day after school for the past week-and-a-half, staying until dinner.  The social worker didn't tell him we'd be his new foster parents until a couple days ago and I think it's a frightening change for him just as it is for us--so many unknowns.

The woman who had been watching the kids for the past three months came over yesterday and we talked for about an hour.  I was in the middle of doing my homework when she stopped by and the timing of her visit wasn't the best. I have been doing research for my class at BYU and it has been a very time-consuming project- so I was already a bit nervous about my schedule. I must admit that the things she shared with me were very intimidating too.  She warned me that the little girl never sleeps because of night terrors--waking and screaming, biting and scratching herself almost every hour from so much trauma. I could feel the anxiety grow in my heart as she shared other stories with me.

After she left, I prayed and pled for guidance and comfort. I decided to make an impromptu visit to the DCFS office near my home and speak with the children's social worker.  He spoke to me for over an hour and I was glad to have connected with him.

Later in the evening, Joseph and I went to the temple and did a session.  We always take a moment to pray together and share with each other thoughts and impressions as we sit in the Celestial room. He expressed the insights he had and then asked, "What about you?" I reflected on the events of the day and the intense emotion I felt earlier in contrast to how I was feeling then. I answered, "I didn't have anything revealatory come to me, but I have felt incredible peace. Somehow, at this moment, even knowing what lies ahead and the exhaustion I will feel caring for these children (the weekly parent visits, the court dates, the medical, dental, school appointments, etc.) I feel peace. All the anxiety and worry is gone from my heart and I'm so incredibly grateful for that."

This morning, I went to take my two oldest to do baptisms at the temple with a friend but the kids decided last-minute to sleep in. I was already up and ready to go, so I went alone and did some initiatories. Again, nothing revealatory happened, I just felt peace.

One foot in front of the other.  Keep on keeping on.

I'm so grateful that this is the Lord's work and that He'll be with our family through all of it, just as He has always, always been there for us.

-Alicia

"Fear Not"

Fear can be paralyzing.  It can cause us to distance ourselves from family, from friends, and even from God. It can cause unnecessary pain and stir up emotions of hurt, regret, disconnect, and shame. We all have fears but it doesn't do any good to run from them. Fear is the complete opposite of faith and it grows nothing but discord.

I won't deny it, I have my own fears.  I discovered that we will be placed with our foster kids in one week.  I knew it was coming but I didn't think it would be this soon. I want so desperately to help these children without making things too difficult for my own.  I confided in my dear friend, Suzanne, last night about all my fears. She hugged me and reassured me that our family would do a fine job. I was so grateful for her faith in me in that moment.  I really needed it.  Joseph has been a wonderful support too and has faced all of this with tremendous optimism these past couple of weeks.  I know we will both rely on the Lord to get us through.  He is going to be such a wonderful foster father.

I searched some talks on BYU this morning about fear and found some great words by Lloyd Newell.  I share this with anyone else who might struggle with fear.  Don't shame yourself for it.  Get back up and move on.  Today is a brand-new day, rely on the power endowed in us through Christ for, "perfect love casteth out fear." (1 John 4:18)

-Alicia

"I, like you, have fears, and I need to be reminded at times to fear not. I don’t know what your fears are. Like Zacharias, who feared that he would never have children, you may have fears about your family. Or maybe your fear isn’t that you won’t have children but that you will have children, whom you will have to raise in a toxic world increasingly hostile to families. Like Mary, you may have an assignment or responsibility that seems far beyond your abilities. Like Joseph, you may fear getting married—or that you will never get married. Like the shepherds, you may be 'sore afraid' when your peaceful and simple life is disrupted because God has plans for you that are bigger than what you have for yourself.

Life presents endless opportunities to fear. We may fear what people think of us. We may fear failure or rejection. We may be afraid of changes we know we must make in our lives. Or maybe we are just afraid of next week’s final exams. We may experience failure or rejection and wonder if we have what it takes. We may have financial fears, educational and career fears, or fears of public speaking, snakes, or spiders. Yes, we live in a beautiful world—but it can be scary out there!

...I did not come here to frighten you, and you did not come here to be reminded of your fears. We all long for more of God’s peace and strength in the midst of the stresses and difficulties of life.

The Lord’s message to you today is the same message He sent through His angels so long ago: 'Fear not.' He can say that because He knows more than we do. He sees what we cannot see. He knows what is coming, and, in the eternal scheme of things, it is not as bad as we may think. He knows that we can handle it with His help because He knows how to strengthen and 'succor' us. (Alma 7:11-12)"- Lloyd Newell