The Pathway to Peace

These past twelve months have been some of the hardest months of my entire life. Our family has gone through some dramatic and painful changes. In reflection of all that has happened, I keep asking myself what there is to learn from it all. What is the Lord trying to teach me? What is He trying to teach us?

I keep thinking of the Serenity Prayer:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 

the courage to change the things I can, 

and the wisdom to know the difference." 

Oh, how I pray through all the struggle, "Please help me to learn wisdom!!"

It's funny, but I almost forgot.

As I typed this serenity prayer, a memory flashed into my mind.
When Joseph and I were engaged, a week or two before our wedding date, he became terribly paralyzed with fear, almost to the point of calling the wedding off. I remember him saying, "I promise, It's not you, it's me. I'm afraid I will fail as a husband and father. I'm afraid I won't be able to endure when things get tough." 

I think we all face similar fears throughout our lives. Turn on the news or take a walk down the street, and you'll see some of the best marriages and families falling apart right before your eyes.  No one wants to become another statistic.

As a response to my husband's engagement jitters, I bought him this serenity prayer etched in glass. It looked a little something like the one I've posted here -- the only difference is the one I gave him was rectangle and also had a rose at the bottom. 

He warned me before we married that he suffered greatly with depression. I told him not to worry because four of my six family members had severe depression and not much could phase me: My mom was hospitalized for at least a month or so more than three times for her bipolar. And my dad, brother, and sister had all attempted suicide and had been hospitalized for that. I assured Joseph then from my family experiences that I was quite familiar with depression.

I don't know if that consoled him or not. Ha! It probably frightened him even more thinking about the genes we'd pass on to our children.  I'm just grateful that our kids so far seem to be doing great and despite my husband's depression through all these years, Joseph has never needed to be admitted to a facility like my mom, dad, or siblings. Of course, he's had his rough moments but who doesn't? He's doing far better than the members of my family did. I think he's done quite alright!

It's interesting though, I look back on how our marriage has unfolded together, all that we've been through, and the little gift I bought when he was feeling so low-- I realize that prayer was more for me than it was for him. All these years, through every hardship we have faced, every struggle, this prayer has come into my mind. 

And guess what? Today, after all these years, I discovered that there is more to the prayer. Can you believe it? All this time and I'm only now finding this out. I love this second half. It's absolutely beautiful! This is the prayer in its entirety:

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change; 

courage to change the things I can; 

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; 

enjoying one moment at a time; 

accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 

taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it; 

trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will; 

that I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

forever in the next. 

Amen.

- Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

I like that line, "accepting hardships as the pathway to peace... trusting that He [God] will make all things right". So many of us often fear tribulation because in the moment it feels like it's going to take us down, like it's going to crush us - but there is another side to it we often don't see. 

Napoleon Hill once said, "Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit." That's the vision we want to capture when we come face to face with life's struggles. Wisdom, character, and beauty are forged in the furnace of affliction. Therefore, "Let me embrace thee, sour adversity, for wise men say it is the wisest course." -William Shakespeare

-Alicia

All So Real

My husband and I went to see the movie Lion Saturday night.  Nominated for a Golden Globe award, it's a movie about a boy named Saroo adopted from India by an Australian couple, John and Sue Brierley.

Now since we aren't adoptive parents, we are only fostering right now, there are some big differences, but this movie was much more impactful to us than it would have if we weren't in our current situation.

Being foster parents, Joseph and I have discovered hardships we never even dreamed of. When you bring these children into your home, you adopt all their trauma...and their entire past becomes part of your life. There is no escaping it.

 Saroo was a beautiful experience for John and Sue.  From the moment they brought him home, he was obedient and good-natured. They both bond very quickly with Saroo. But everything changes for the Brierley's when they decide two years later to adopt another boy, Mantosh, from India .

The scene where they bring Mantosh home and introduce him to Saroo has a completely different tone. Mantosh has frequent violent emotional melt-downs, screaming, flailing, and smacking himself. This realization is horrifying to Sue and John. This kind of trauma was not what they expected, especially after their first adoption seemed to be such a happy placement. Sue struggles to remain her natural cheery self. The energy required to care for Mantosh is an exhausting battle day after day that almost drains the life out of her.

Watching this scene filled me with emotion.  I turned to my husband who related instantly too. He looked at me and lovingly squeezed my hand. Tears rolled down my face and I whispered to him, "It's so real. I get this, Joseph. I totally get her pain."
"I know you do." He said, squeezing my hand tighter, "I know."

When Saroo grows older, memories from his past begin to haunt him and he can't let it go until he gets the questions plaguing his mind answered. His emotional state deteriorates in the journey, worrying his adoptive parents greatly.  He apologizes deeply to Sue, "I'm sorry... but you've adopted my past."

Oh, the lives of these children! So few realize the horrors they have experienced, how it plays out and affects everyone in their lives in so many varied ways.  So few realize the energy it takes to help them heal from it all. But someone has to help them heal!

This movie, based on a true story, does an excellent job of creating new insights about adoption... yet, it's still a movie: There's only so much that can be fit into the film, only so much that can be told.  There is so much more behind the scenes and between the lines.

Still though, if you haven't seen Lion -- go!

-Alicia

Behind the Scenes

Foster care certainly has its challenges. Its exhausting and often overwhelming... but I have found the challenges are met far easier because of the help from my amazing children.  My appreciation for each of my biological children has increased a hundred fold this past month as I've watched them adapt to their new life with their new siblings. They have displayed more patience, more compassion, more resilience and more creativity than I ever thought possible. They are truly amazing!

My husband has shown great strength too. I'm so proud of his perseverance and patience. He is a wonderful example to me of humility and obedience before the Lord. I'm so incredibly grateful I have him at my side in this difficult journey.

We've had so many people from our new ward tell us that they've witnessed our foster kids make leaps and bounds of improvement since they've been placed with us. Honestly, so much credit goes to my husband and children.  My contribution is such a small fraction.  This has been a huge team effort.  There's no way I could move forward in this calling without each of them. I am richly blessed!

-Alicia

For the Hard Days...

I've recently heard about JamesTheMormon.  He's a BYU student, a rapper, and Mormon (Hence the name). This guy is really cool because he uses his talents to share uplifting encouraging lyrics and the Gospel.  This is a fun clip my son and I watched today.  It's amazing how a little music can turn any moment around. This video does a good job sharing that message. It's a modern day "shoulder to the wheel" song. 

I also saw a quote that fits perfectly with this video...

Finding these things today reminded me of a really great quote by President Packer:

“If [we] have a good, miserable day once in a while, or several in a row, stand steady and face them. Things will straighten out. There is great purpose in our struggle in life.”

Anyway... Just a few thoughts for when things don't go according to plan or when life is just hard.  Keep on keeping on!

-Alicia 

First World Problems

This past week has been extremely taxing on all of us--car problems, several expensive things breaking, trying to balance the kids school / my school, and of course the big move. All of it has left Joseph and me physically worn and emotionally drained (not the best combination). We've tried so hard to encourage each other and avoid dragging ourselves down. I really felt bad complaining because we've had so many little tender mercies through it all.

A few evenings ago, I was at the lowest I've been in a long time, I felt numb to everything around me, just lost in a daze.  I'm not easily depressed but it hit me hard Monday night.  It made it even more tough to see that Joseph felt worse than I did. Usually, when one of us is down, the other one of us is up, and we can help pull the other out of it. But it's especially hard when we're BOTH feeling low. (Any married couple knows exactly what I'm talking about. You want to buoy each other up and you feel bad that you can't.)

 The next morning, after I prayed and studied, I watched the video about the refugees from the Middle East and was instantly humbled.  My problems seem so petty, so "first world" compared to these poor families. I felt like I'd been behaving like a spoiled child. As I listened to the refugees tell their stories, I marveled at how I could ever complain about anything.  Strangely, I felt the burdens on my shoulders lifted as feelings of compassion distilled on my heart. I have so much more than I deserve, a million times more.

I guess it's all how we choose to look at our lives. It reminds me of that old Indian proverb, "I used to complain that I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet."

-Alicia

"None Shall Slumber Nor Sleep"

Yesterday and the day before we did respite foster care.  So far, we've done respite  for eleven children total and this past weekend was our very first experience with a girl.  We watched her half-brother about a week ago and this past Friday and Saturday we watched both children.

These half siblings are several years apart. The girl is right between the ages of my two daughters and it was fun to see them both get along so well with her. Micah was thrilled to take care of the baby boy because he's always wanted a younger brother and these moments through foster care are his closest opportunity.  I was surprised by Chandler yesterday because he usually resists touching or interacting with small kids. I wish there was a way I could've captured the good solid half hour he spent gently holding the foster baby on his lap, feeding him Cheerios during the funeral we attended.

The foster girl was removed a couple years ago and her brother was removed only a couple months ago.  When they found the baby, the cops took a hair sample and discovered he tested positive for cocaine, meth, and marijuana.  He couldn't say any words and was terribly malnourished. During the first week his foster parents had him, he went through serious drug withdrawals and was extremely difficult to console.  It's amazing how much he has recovered in such a short amount of time.  Despite a few minor issues, he really seems like a normal happy baby.

Friday night at 1:00 A.M., I heard a timid little knock on our bedroom door.  I opened the door slowly to the foster girl standing there clenching a framed picture in her arms. "I can't sleep" she announced.
"Oh, honey, is there something bothering you?" I asked.
"I miss my mom." She sighed.
"I'm sure you do.  Is this her?" I asked, pointing to the small framed picture she was holding,
"Yeah, that's me and her before I was taken and put into foster care."
"Have you seen her recently?"
"No, not recently... the social workers keep trying to arrange a visit but they say my mom is too sick."
I didn't say anything.

(I haven't been a foster mom for long but I do know enough to understand what the social worker means when they say to a child, "Your mom is very sick right now."  It means that their mom is too high on drugs to be cognitively aware of her child even if they did arrange a visit.)

I walked the foster girl to the bathroom sink and asked if she wanted a cup of water. She gratefully accepted the offer.  I asked if there was any kind of toy or stuffed animal she brought that could help her sleep better.  She nodded and began sorting through her backpack. "I have this," she said pulling out a mouse-like stuffed animal.  "My mom gave it to me.  This and the picture is all I have to remind me of her. I sleep with them every night, even if the picture frame digs into my skin."
"Those two things must be so important to you," I said. "No wonder you want to hold on to them."

We sat down in the middle of the hallway and I listened to her tell me more sad stories; she told me about the time her beaded necklace broke at school - it was the necklace her mom had given her. She hid in the girl's bathroom and cried all day and no one could get her to come come out, not even her teacher.  "It was my only necklace from from my mom.  No one understood why I was crying so much about a bunch of beads.  I miss her so much."
My heart broke for this poor little girl. After time, I could see she was starting to get tired again and suggested she continue to talk to me while she was laying in bed.  She agreed and climbed back under the covers into the lower bunk with her arms still clinging tightly to her memories. She gazed at the mattress above  in a wishful state, "If I could... I would make my mom better so she wasn't sick anymore.  I'd give her all the medicine she needed to help her be well again."
"You are a very sweet girl," I assured her. "I bet you would do anything for your mother.... And you know what?"
"What?" she asked.
"I know there are many people who want to see your mom get better too."
She sighed deeply, "The judge is going to tell me soon if I can go back home with her.  If he says 'no' I'm going to be so upset.  I'm going to scream and scream and be very, very mad....
If he says 'yes' I'm going to give the judge  the biggest hug.  I'll be so happy."
She sighed again.
"This has got to be very difficult for you.  I can't imagine how hard it is."
"Yeah... it's hard." She confirmed.
She lay their a little longer, lost in her imagination, then quietly asked, "What time is it?"
I answered,"It was 1:00 when you knocked on my door."
"What time is it now?"
I peaked around the corner to the clock on the wall, "It's just after 1:30."
She folded her arms over the blankets and nestled her head deeper in the pillows, "I think I'm okay now."
"Are you sure? Do you need me to listen anymore?"
She thought for a moment, "No, I'm okay now.  You can go back to bed."
"Alright, sweetheart.  Do you want me to leave the bathroom light on so it's not so dark?"
"Yes, thank you," she replied and drifted back to sleep.

The next few hours of the night were intervals of  the baby waking and crying.  He seemed to only be soothed if I stood and swayed with him in my arms. Around 4:00 his sister knocked on my door again, she was concerned about her brother.  She suggested he needed a snack and I thanked her for the advice. "Just a tip." she smiled and turned cheerfully back to bed.
"What a good big sister," I thought.
I didn't get him a snack but continued to sway him until he fell asleep in my arms.

It's been a long time since I had a night where my sleep was interrupted that much. I question sometimes what on earth I am doing, throwing myself into this new life of foster care.  I wonder about my capabilities to handle the mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual pressure it will be on me and my family. Yet, despite all my self-doubts, despite all my fears... I can't help but feel this intense pull, this deep desire somehow grow increasingly to keep going, to continue on in this rescue effort.

It's amazing to me how important biological parents are to children - no matter how good or bad, involved or absent they are.  The child wants the mom and dad they are genetically tied to more than anyone else in this world.  Sure, other people can become very important parent-figures and do great things in their life but no one will ever mean as much or fill the hole that only a biological parent can fill.

My vision is changing and my eyes are opening to a world that was invisible before.  There are five regions of foster care in the State of Utah and over 600 children in just our foster region alone. That's a ton when you realize that each of these kids have to come from extremely critical and dangerous circumstances in order to "qualify" for removal.  I can't turn them away from my home, I just can't!! Not after what I've experienced so far... and what I've experienced is only a tiny fraction.  This is going to be very hard work. I pray I can measure up to the task. I pray for strength beyond my own.

-Alicia

House On Fire, Leave It All Behind You

Tomorrow would have been the day we were supposed to be out of our apartment.  I'm so grateful that things worked for us to do month-to-month rent so we don't have that pressure anymore.

We had an offer accepted on a house just a couple blocks away from where we live now.  The home was built in 1920 and for the last couple of decades, maybe more, it's been used as a rental.  Needless to say, it hasn't been kept up much at all.  It's because of its condition though that we were able to get the price down $30K less than what is comparable.

We received the inspection report yesterday and it turns out, the house is one big huge fire disaster waiting to happen.  The inspector was very surprised that it hadn't burnt down yet.  This news has been disheartening for me because there's a slight chance we won't be able to get this home.

I know it is in bad shape but its extremely difficult to find something of its size in this neighborhood for under $200K and we are under contract for $194K.  It's a five-bedroom, almost six actually, because the front porch was converted into a small room.  We easily pre-approved for our loan because our credit score is in the 800's but the only trouble is we can't over-borrow to do repairs. The loan will work for the mortgage alone and nothing more.

We know that according to our income, we already qualify for the weatherization program... something we intend to take advantage of to fix all the broken windows and drafty doors.  Tomorrow, I will spend the day trying to get an estimate of how much the repairs will cost and making phone calls to the City seeing if they have any other home-improvement programs like the weatherization for new buyers.  I have a friend who moved into old home here and the City took care of all their electrical and plumbing updating as part of an incentive to draw in long-time residents who would improve the quality of the area.  Both my husband and I have been fasting today that we could be this fortunate.

I just got a new church calling assuming that I will still be in this neighborhood.  I hope it's a foreshadowing that everything will work out here.  I pray it does.

In two weeks, I start at BYU again for Fall Semester.  It will be my first writing class since the community college 20 years ago.  I'm very excited and a little nervous.  I don't know exactly how much our house situation will complicate my studies.  I'll just keep moving forward and hope for the best.

In my scriptures this morning, I must have read and re-read the verses from the Sermon on the Mount twenty times over.  I'm asking to stay in this area.  I'm asking to have a home in our price-range.  I'm asking for it to be large enough to fit a few more children.  Dear Father, I want to stay!

"Ask, and it shall be given unto you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.
For every one that asketh, receiveth; and he that seeketh, findeth; and to him that knocketh, it shall be opened.
Or what man is there of you, who, if his son ask bread, will give him a stone?
Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?
If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father who is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?" - Matt 7: 7-11

Step Outside
Praying for miracles!
-Alicia

In Our Wilderness

23 more days until our last one living here and we have to be out.  We still don't know where we're moving to.  We looked at a home that is very close in our neighborhood and were excited for all the possibilities.  It had 5 bedrooms + a two bedroom mother-in-law apartment we could rent out to help with our mortgage payments.

Joseph and I went to the temple early morning yesterday before we made an offer and both felt very strongly that we needed to contact a couple of people.  We called our two friends and they both spent over a couple hours with us at the house.  My friend, Shelley, is going to be our agent and she made a lot of phone calls to the city while we were touring the place for the second and third time.  She discovered that the mother-in-law apartment the people had there is totally illegal and that the whole thing has been in open investigation for some time... Instead of it being an asset it would have been a huge liability.  Our friend, Ben, who is very experienced with home building, was able to show us other warning signs our untrained eyes couldn't see before.  It really was a blessing and we know the Lord was looking out for us by giving us inspiration to call these two.

It looks like we might have to live out of a storage unit for a while.  My friend, Shelley, graciously offered her RV and we may just take her up on that.  Who knows... turn this into a little "vacation".  It will be an adventure for sure!!

 I'm so thankful for the comforting words of the scriptures as we journey into "our wilderness". My husband's best friend keeps telling our family that he really feels God will "part the Red Sea" for us. Even though, we don't know where "our promised land" will be. The Israelites wandered for 40 years. I can be grateful in knowing it won't take us that long to "find the place which God for us prepared". Like Moses and Lehi in the wilderness; I truly believe in miracles and marvelous manifestations of God. I know without a shadow of doubt that His hand is in the very details of our lives and as we seek Him, He will lead us right. I know it!

"Never be weary of good works... be meek and lowly in heart; for such shall find rest to their souls... Learn wisdom... Keep the Commandments... Cry unto God for all thy support; yea, let all thy doings be unto the Lord, and withersoever thou goest let it be in the Lord... Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and He will direct thee for good... Let thy heart be full of thanks unto God. And behold, [the Liahona] was prepared to show unto our fathers the course which they should travel in the wilderness. And it did work for them according to their faith in God; therefore, if they had faith to believe that God could cause that those spindles should point the way they should go behold, it was done; therefore they had this miracle, and many other miracles wrought by the power of God, day by day." - Alma 37:34-40

"We were moving mountains long before we knew we could... 

There can be miracles when you believe."

-Alicia

At Peace

"Patience is being at peace with the process of life."

In just the past few days, my email has been overloaded with over 20 messages about training sessions, support groups, and family events within the foster care community.  It's exciting for me to see how much these groups rally around each other. I've got a feeling I'm gonna like being in the midst of it all.  It's very humbling to be able to rub shoulders with some extremely incredible people.  I feel like they all have so much to teach me.   One of the directors (who has 2 bio children and 15 adopted)  had this quote attached to his email that I really liked.  It's such a simple yet profound statement: "Patience is being at peace with the process of life."

I think I need this now more than ever.  We just got an eviction notice from our landlady.  She didn't give a reason for wanting us to leave just told us we have 30 days to do so.  She's a very difficult woman to work with.  We're not the first with this complaint... all the tenants who have moved out of here in the last couple of years have had some serious struggles with her.  She was fine with us for all these years because we never complained or asked for anything. In fact, while living here, I took care of most of the repairs and only asked that the cost of the part or fixture be taken from the rent.

But when we started going the way of foster care, there were several things we needed to have fixed up before we had our home study.  With a home study our place has to be approved by the State and meet certain requirements.  So, I called our landlady in and addressed a few issues.  I actually felt like our communication that day went well.  She toured the apartment with me and agreed that there were several neglected areas that fell under her responsibility. But then she said something on the way out the door that was a red flag; She said, "I don't like the idea of you bringing more children into this place one bit.  I'm going to have to think about this."  I explained to her that legally we fit just fine.  It didn't matter.  The truth is, she just doesn't like children in general: toys on the grass, the mud Miriam loves to play in, bikes and skateboards that fill the racks.  The concrete stairs outside had been eroding from weather and corrosion from salt and she told Joseph on the phone that she was certain our children had been chipping away at them.  She wants to rent the whole place out to newly married or college students because she won't have children to deal with.  Her obsession with order and having everything fit perfectly into her plans has made her so extremely uptight that I wonder how she ever survived having 7 children!!  I feel very sorry for her.  I can't imagine what she would have done if she had ever stumbled across one of our skate parties.  I think she would have had a heart-attack right there.

A few years ago, our neighbor tried planting some tomatoes in a weed-covered area.  Our neighbor fixed the soil real nice and made a beautiful patch of garden.  Our landlady came in, ripped it up and poured an ugly slab of concrete over it.  This year when my husband and I found a weedy area and did the same, planting mint leaves and tomatoes, she said to us, "I don't think your garden is going to work out for you because I just put year-round weed and plant killer in that soil so nothing can grow there."  We said we'd take our chances.  Of course, she didn't like that at all.

Speaking of gardens...
What was that word I needed to remember again??  Oh yeah... Patience!
I really do believe this whole thing is a blessing in disguise.  And surprisingly, it kind-of sprung Joseph OUT of his depression that I posted about yesterday.  He's so happy to be done with this landlady.  He's been wanting to move but couldn't really decide.  Now the decision is set for us and made that part easier for him.  For this, I am very grateful.

Off the fly last night, we threw together a skate party with some of the other tenants and a few old friends.  Joseph came out and celebrated with us.  He hopped on the Ripstik and danced to some music.  I was very, very proud of him!!

We're trying to keep our heads up.  I couldn't sleep last night and I've cried a lot.  There are people here that I just can't bear to leave.  I feel like half of my body is being severed from me!! My heart is aching, it's just completely broken.  Nevertheless, I am at peace.  I really believe this will be a good change.  We will need a bigger place to foster.  In fact both of us think we may end up fostering, perhaps adopting more than two children.  Heck!  We might even end up like our director with 15 more! Ha ha!

-Alicia

Just Keep Swimming!

Lately, Joseph has voiced very openly his desire to move to a new place.  Ever since our landlord passed away and his wife took on the responsibility of the apartments, things just haven't been the same.  Her husband was so sweet, so wonderful at communicating, he loved children and was very easy to work with.  She is the complete and total opposite!

Yesterday, Joseph was on the phone with our landlady trying to iron out our new contract she just put us under.  After an hour of exhausting conversation and nothing being resolved, she finally let him go.  Poor Joseph woke up terribly depressed this morning, the most depressed I've seen in a long time.  My heart goes out to him and I wish so much there was more I could do to ease his burdens.  As a provider, he feels trapped.  He wants to move into a house but he says it could never fit into our budget.  He's already terribly stressed about having to rearrange our budget for our new van and my schooling.  The adversary is working hard on him.  He says he has felt numb toward everything for several weeks now. Each day, after work he's so overwhelmed that all he can do is lay on the bed and sleep for several hours.  I keep thinking of the foster children who will be coming and pray with all my heart that this won't be too much for him.

I really believe we're going to be alright.  The Lord knows we are giving everything we've got. We will be guided to where we need to be and what we need to do.  I'm confident that everything will work out... it always does.  "Just keep swimming!"

-Alicia

"Dear Younger Me" - Way-back Wednesday

Father's Day is around the corner and I feel as if I haven't really painted my dad in the best light when I've written about him. (I have mentioned that he's not the same person I knew as a child. And that's probably the most credit I've really given him.)  When I lived with my parents, dad was an emotional mess... and it showed in his violent abusive temper. As a kid, I was terrified of him.  He was a ticking time-bomb and you never knew when he was going to blow!  I remember changing the words to the primary song, "When Daddy Comes Home" to sing, "I'm so mad when daddy comes home, mad as I can be.... Put my hands around his neck and squeeze it tight like this.  Smack his cheeks and give him what?  A great big kick." I can't remember if I sang it out-loud like that but it was definitely in my head.

Dad began to seek help from the bishop when I was in highschool.  It didn't start off well and I remember being so embarrassed when I heard from my mom that in dad's initial interview, he left the bishop's office rather livid, swearing and slamming the door on his ecclesiastical leader. 

I never saw my dad cry until the year he attempted suicide three times.  Late one night when everyone had gone to bed, I lay there sleeping when I was awakened by a strange sound.  I listened closely.  I could hear someone weeping from the family room down the hall.  I climbed out of bed, silently peeked around the corner, and saw my dad kneeling in his bathrobe, praying out-loud and crying uncontrollably with deep and heavy sobs.  It surprised me and something within my heart changed at that moment.  The anger and resentment I felt for him was replaced by compassion and empathy.  I knew I had to forgive him because he so desperately wanted to change.  He hated himself for all he had done.

As I began to study the scriptures and become more involved in seminary, forgiving him became much easier.  At that time in my life, I also learned some things about my dad's childhood that helped me understand his explosive behavior.  And just recently, I've gained more perspective from reading "The Body Keeps the Score".  I guess I never realized that he was a serious trauma victim!

My dad was the oldest of ten children.  (It was a "your's-mine-and-our's" situation.)  Even though he had nine younger siblings, his parents called him "Little Lee" to differentiate between him and his father (who he was named after).  My dad had a lot of energy as a kid.  (I don't know what normal boy doesn't.) But back then, his parents didn't understand it was normal and struggled desperately for ways to deal with it.  They took him to a family therapist who poorly advised them,  "Whenever 'little Lee' gets out of hand,  tie him in a straight jacket away from the others in the basement until he 'calms' down."  

That's how they dealt with it.  Can you imagine??!

This was only the beginning of his trauma.

When he was nine, his mother passed away from breast cancer and two years later he lost his younger sister to Leukemia.  His step-mother was young (almost 17 years younger than his father).  She was terribly jealous of my dad's mom and would never let anyone grieve her loss.  

As a teenager, my dad remembered one morning laying in bed and being awakened by a sharp stinging pain in his shoulder.  He opened his eyes to see his step-mother standing over him glaring angrily.  Dazed and confused, he tried to sooth the pain by rubbing his arm.  He was bleeding and still in shock from such a rude awakening when he glanced down at the side of his bed and saw the shattered framed picture of his real mom on the floor.  He looked back up to hear his step-mother rebuking him threateningly, "I don't ever want to see this picture hanging in your room again!!"  (This is just one example of the abuse he faced but there were other moments like it.)

Despite all his trauma growing up, he served a church mission and when it was completed, he pursued a degree in elementary education and psychology.  He says that living away from home in a dorm was the most free he had ever felt in his life. (I don't blame him.) 

At the University, he made a lot of friends and was in a singing group.  I always loved the fact that my dad liked to sing.  He made a great baritone.  I think music was healing for him.  He loved to play the piano and the guitar.  His favorite artists were Anne Murray, Cat Stevens, and Simon & Garfunkel.  (I played all my dad's records and learned to love that genre.  It was healing for me too.)  We were in a choir together when I graduated from highschool. I'll never forget singing Handel's Messiah with him and the Oratorio Society of Utah at SLC's Tabernacle.  

See, life wasn't all bad... I have other good memories of my father too:  Dad loved camping and every summer we would visit a National Park as a family.  He took tons of pictures everywhere we went. (I appreciate that so much more now than I did then.) He liked word games such as Boggle or Scrabble and strategy games like Chess (at least those are the ones I remember playing with him).  Dad had a very dry sense of humor (he had a pun for everything) and any time he sneezed he tried to make it sound as goofy as possible.  I got really good at giving courtesy laughs. Dad loved books, especially children's books... he had tons on hand because he was a school teacher. He loved C.S. Lewis and from him I learned about The Chronicles of Narnia. 

These were all very good things in my life.

It has been an interesting journey over the past 20 or so years for me to come to a place of understanding about my dad, to see that his outbursts weren't my fault (and in some ways they weren't even his fault).  He had never been taught how to deal with his emotions in a healthy way.  Even still, he admitted to his wrongs, he experienced a mighty change of heart, and repented, fully repented.  I'm proud of him for it.  He has hope in and through the Savior and His wonderful, atoning sacrifice.  Today, we enjoy sharing our faith and testimony with each other over the phone or in person. I love my dad!!

I heard this song "Dear Younger Me" the other day on the radio and thought of the scared child I was growing up and how often I'd blame myself for my "punishments".  I thought of how many times I wished I hadn't been born into the family I was given.  But today... the older me would say to the younger me, "Alicia, this is the perfect family for you.  It is in this home you will learn to have compassion, you will learn to forgive, you will learn to love those who do not love themselves, you will witness great miracles, you will witness hearts change, and you will come to know the Savior in a very deep and personal way."

Compared to my dad's childhood, my life was quite easy.  I can see where he did try to give something better than what he had.  I wonder too (with all that my dad went through and with the redemption he witnessed) if he would write this same letter to himself?

-Alicia

  

"Dear Younger Me" 
by, Mercy Me

Dear younger me
Where do I start
If I could tell you everything that I have learned so far
Then you could be
One step ahead
Of all the painful memories still running thru my head
I wonder how much different things would be
Dear younger me, dear younger me

Dear younger me
I cannot decide
Do I give some speech about how to get the most out of your life
Or do I go deep
And try to change
The choices that you’ll make cuz they’re choices that made me
Even though I love this crazy life
Sometimes I wish it was a smoother ride
Dear younger me, dear younger me

If I knew then what I know now
Condemnation would’ve had no power
My joy my pain would’ve never been my worth
If I knew then what I know now
Would’ve not been hard to figure out
What I would’ve changed if I had heard

Dear younger me
It’s not your fault
You were never meant to carry this beyond the cross
Dear younger me

You are holy
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand new heart
You are free indeed

Every mountain every valley
Thru each heartache you will see
Every moment brings you closer
To who you were meant to be
Dear younger me, dear younger me

You are holy
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand new heart
You are free indeed

Obladi Oblada

So.... today didn't happen exactly as we expected.  Nothing usually does, right?
But life goes on and things work out... They always do. That's my motto.

 At least I was able to get Kaylee to her date with daddy.  Our car died right as I was driving away from his work.  (It's the lemon... I mean car... we bought a few months ago and have already forked out $2,000 of repairs for.)  We were lucky to break down where we did though because my husband was able to call his co-workers to help push the car over to a safe spot. Kaylee thought it was fun to ride in a car being pushed by a bunch of guys.. and even more fun to ride home in a tow truck. (So that was nice.)

This is all such crazy timing.  Why? Just last Saturday, our other vehicle blew a head gasket and the radiator cracked.

Drawing from past experiences, whenever things have fallen apart like this all at once...it's usually been for a reason... 
If only we could see that it's not falling apart, it's falling into place.  
Really, this is when we ask ourselves, "What is there to learn?" We examine and make changes where needed and then trust that something amazing is about to happen. And we do believe great things will come out of this.

Actually, we had been talking about needing a larger van for when the foster children come.  Only, we weren't expecting to go shopping for one just yet.  We need something that will seat at least eight people.  My husband and I did a search for options tonight.  (I think I got a little distracted.)

These are my favorites...

This has a few more seats than needful but it's definitely perfect for scenic drives.  

I think the big useless fin thingy on the front is a nice touch.

We could do a repo- limo like my cousin-in-law, Brynn, did.  Their's came complete with "Support Our Troops" decals plastered all down the side.  (The kids don't seem to mind.)

I admit this one isn't really space efficient but I have a feeling it would be time efficient. (wink wink)

If we got a large van, I think it would be cool to have it painted like this. I've always wanted a hippie van with daisies, why not make it The Mystery Machine... 

Or maybe we could supe up our van like this? 
Yeah baby!  Eat your heart out Bo and Luke Dukers!

Do you think this one fits eight people?  (I'm guessing it fits nine.) 

Anyway... I think we're onto some pretty dang good replacement options. :)

And I think we found what we're going to name our old car..

"Shnitty Shnitty Bang Bang"

A Preparatory Temple

I had the opportunity of attending both the 9:00 and the 3:00 dedication services of the Provo City Center Temple in March.  I took a notebook with me to write down my thoughts and impressions from all who spoke.

The talk that struck me the most during the 9:00 session was Elder Oaks.  He began his address referring to another Temple in our church history that had risen from the ashes, the Nauvoo Temple.  He spoke of it as being a preparatory temple for those pioneer saints to face the difficult journey ahead of them.  It had just been completed when the persecution against the Church grew so intense that they were forced to leave their beautiful Nauvoo.

In his talk Elder Oaks likened the Provo City Center to the Nauvoo Temple saying that it would also be a preparatory temple for the struggles we would face in these last days.  In order to press through the hardships and trials of our day, he encouraged us to re-dedicate our lives to the building of Zion.  He testified of the ability to access heavenly power by doing temple work for our ancestors and also learning their stories.

Along this principle of building up the kingdom of God and establishing Zion in such a contentious day and age, Elder Oaks quoted from Abraham Lincoln's first inaugural address, "Though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield and patriot grave to every living heart and hearthstone all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature." (I especially loved that Elder Oaks quoted this because it was something I had just written about 2-and-a-half weeks prior to the dedication.)

He emphasized that this "union" would be bound by the "mystic chords of memory" the stories of our loved ones, our ancestors, those in our family who have passed away.  He promised that as we learn and share their stories of faith, their personal testimonies, their struggles, and their triumphs, we will be "touched... by the better angels of our nature."  This very simple act of turning and connecting to the faith our forefathers and foremothers will not only soften our hearts and help us connect, instill unity, and increase our affection for one another in our family... but also in our community.

This past year, I have studied the life and stories of my 3rd great grandfather, William Wall (on my dad's side) and my great aunt Sylvia (on my mom's side).  Their stories of faith have astonished me.  I had no idea the kinds of things they had to persevere and press through.  They were every bit as brave and valiant as the prophets of old.  A great spirit of reverence and respect has instilled upon my heart for these ancestors of mine.  Even more wonderful, is that through reading their records I have felt their presence very clearly in my life...
I have felt the presence of angels... Something I think we are ALL going to need... for what lies ahead. (2 Kings 6:16)

-Alicia

"Zion Shall Not Be Moved" -Ponderize - Week 19

These last couple of days I haven't been able to decide on a scripture to ponderize for the week.  After this evening, I have finally chosen one.

I attended a cottage meeting tonight that Big Ocean hosted where two of my friends presented.  Mother and author, Nicholeen Peck, spoke and so did JaKell Sullivan, who has been a strong voice against Common Core for many years now.  My friend Kim Ells, assistant for Family Watch International, showed an informative and extremely disturbing video on what is entailed in the Comprehensive Sex Education Curriculum that the Federal Gov. is trying to push in every State. (They've already succeeded in some.)

It wasn't really new information to me since I heard a great deal about these teachings when I went to the United Nations and World Congress last year.  I knew these disgusting  publications were being distributed to youth through the International Planned Parenthood Federation and our own Planned Parenthood. It's just now their teachings are getting published into our education system and encapsulated in words like "sexual health" so it's "easier" for schools to choke it down their throats.

It grieves my soul and inflicts great sorrow upon my heart to see something so wonderful, so beautiful, so sacred, this very real sacrament with God, cheapened, trampled, exploited, and dragged through the mire.  It's a clear shot bullet to the heads of our innocent children.

This is a very real war and the firing squad is mowing down our babies.  People  just don't understand how very serious this is. I would encourage every parent I know to get informed.  http://www.comprehensivesexualityeducation.org/

Sometime tomorrow I should be able to get access to the 20 min. video my friend Kim showed tonight.  When I do, I'll be certain to share it.

I have no doubt that we will witness in the next few years a massive division take place all across the globe.  It's happening now.  But we must not lose heart... with that division also means there will be a great unification.  People of all faiths, all nations, all races and backgrounds are coming together to combat these attacks.  I've seen it.

I really need a verse that is hopeful to ponderize this week to help me remember this:

 "Therefore, let your hearts be comforted concerning Zion; for all flesh is in mine hands; be still and know that I am God. Zion shall not be moved out of her place, notwithstanding her children are scattered.  They that remain, and are pure in heart, shall return, and come to their inheritances, they and their children, with songs of everlasting joy, to build up the waste places of Zion."— D&C 101:16 - 18

-Alicia

Praying for My Friend - Ponderize - Week 11

I believe in the power of prayer.  I believe that every time we approach the Lord with sincerity of heart that He hears us, even those things impressing on our mind that we can't seem to find the words for.  I trust in His great wisdom, and find comfort in the truth that He sees the bigger picture and knows what is best for us in every moment of our lives.  I know that "[I] cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, [He helps me to] be of good cheer, for [He] will lead [me] along." - D&C 78:18

Life is like a marathon that we are not meant to run alone so I believe the Lord places certain people in our lives who give us hope, people whose influence inspires us to keep going, to keep trying.

"Since we are what we are by the impacts of those who surround us, those who surround themselves with the highest will be those who change into the highest.  There are some men and some women in whose company we are always at our best.  While with them we cannot think mean thoughts or speak ungenerous words.  Their mere presence is elevation, purification, sanctity.... Friendship is a spiritual thing.  It is independent of matter, or space or time.  That which I love in my friend is not that which I see.  What influences me in my friend is not his body but his spirit.  He influences me about as much in his absence as in his presence." 
- Henry Drummond

We cheer each other on in our race most often through the channel of prayer. James encourages us, "Pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." - James 5:16

 I was reading a talk this morning from Elder Bednar about prayer.  He said, "Praying earnestly for others, both those whom we love and those who despitefully use us, is also an important element of meaningful prayer. Just as expressing gratitude more often in our prayers enlarges the conduit for revelation, so praying for others with all of the energy of our souls increases our capacity to hear and to heed the voice of the Lord." - Elder David A. Bednar, Pray Always

I trust the words of the Prophet James and Elder Bednar.  I have a friend who shoulders such heavy burdens that I wish with all my heart I could somehow carry it for him. Especially when he is the very friend who brought light back in my life, gave me hope, and helped me through a terribly difficult time.  If he only realized how deeply I pray for him.  I hope he knows that he doesn't always have to be strong.  No matter who we are or what our circumstances may be I think it's to be expected that we will stumble more when the load is heavier and it's possible we might become discouraged by the fact. But do not be dismayed.  President Uchtdorf encouraged the brethren in a recent priesthood session:

"Brethren, there may be times in our lives when rising up and continuing on may seem beyond our own ability. That day on a snow-covered slope, I learned something. Even when we think we cannot rise up, there is still hope. And sometimes we just need someone to look us in the eyes, take our hand, and say, 'You can do it now!'

We may think that women are more likely than men to have feelings of inadequacy and disappointment—that these feelings affect them more than us. I’m not sure that this is true. Men experience feelings of guilt, depression, and failure. We might pretend these feelings don’t bother us, but they do. We can feel so burdened by our failures and shortcomings that we begin to think we will never be able to succeed. We might even assume that because we have fallen before, falling is our destiny. As one writer put it, 'We beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.'

...Brethren, our destiny is not determined by the number of times we stumble but by the number of times we rise up, dust ourselves off, and move forward." -  President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, You Can Do It Now

This morning after my prayers, I opened up my scriptures to a place I already had bookmarked.  My eyes fell upon a couple of verses that I've decided to "ponderize" for week 11.

"My beloved [friend], I rejoice exceedingly that your Lord Jesus Christ hath been mindful of you, and hath called you to his ministry, and to his holy work.  I am mindful of you always in my prayers, continually praying unto God the Father in the name of his Holy Child, Jesus, that he, through his infinite goodness and grace, will keep you through the endurance of faith on his name to the end."- Moroni 8:2,3

-Alicia
"The Purest Love"

No Man Is An Island

by, Tenth Avenue North

I won't run, I will stay

I'm not leaving you

I know there's friction here

The struggle makes us new

I wish you never thought you had to go

Wish you never thought you had to leave

Together we can lift each other up

We can build a shelter for the weak

No man is an island, we can be found

No man is an island, let your guard down

You don't have to fight me, I am for you

We're not meant to live this life alone

I see fear in your eyes

There's no safety here

Oh, my friend, let me in

I will share your tears

I wish you never thought you had to go

I wish you never thought you had to leave

We can always lift each other up

We can build a shelter for the weak, come on

No man is an island, we can be found

No man is an island, let your guard down

Please don't try to fight me, I am for you

We're not meant to live this life alone

Through trouble, rain, or fire

Let's reach out to something higher

Ain't no life outside each other

We are not alone

Through trouble, rain, or fire

Let's reach out to something higher

Eyes open to one another

We are not alone

No man is alone

Why you try to fight me

We don't have to do it alone

We don't have to do it alone

We don't have to do it alone

Healing Hearts That are Failing

In the Doctrine and Covenants 45 & 88 it says in the last days "the whole earth shall be in commotion, and men’s hearts shall fail them."

Commotion, unrest, fear, turmoil.... How many hearts will fail during the days we live in???  When I read scriptures like this, I desire to encourage, to help heal the failing hearts of those around me.  A couple of weeks ago I was fasting for a family who lives next to me.  They are an unmarried blended family. Living in the "tight quarters" that we do, it's hard to avoid hearing the constant turmoil in their home.  None of them are active in the church.  The daughter of the mother used to come but has since given up as well.

About a week and a half ago I sat on the steps of our porch and visited with the mother of the family.  I listened to her tell me about the stresses and difficulties she faced on a day-to-day basis.  The entire time she was telling me about the "commotion" in her life I wanted so badly to somehow take the experiences I have had with prayer, with the scriptures, with the words of the living prophets, and infuse them into her so she could instinctively know where to find peace and rest from such needless pain.
She said, to me, "Alicia I can't come to church because I'm living in sin."
I immediately responded, "Aren't we all? If we waited to go only when we were completely free from making any mistakes or having any sin in our hearts then no one would be able to go."
I had a small window of opportunity to bear testimony to her of our Father in Heaven's infinite love and I told her of President Uchdorft's talk from this last conference to just "start where you are."

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to speak in church very briefly about the hymn, "Where Can I Turn for Peace" I had invited my neighbor friend to come and hear my testimony and I was hopeful that she would because the night before she confirmed a couple of times.  When I stood, I looked for her in the congregation but I didn't see her.  I was disappointed.  I wanted to direct my words to her. If only she would turn.  I was grateful for the number of people who had come to church that day.

I had been thinking of a favorite hymn of mine as a child, "Did You Think to Pray?" and for a brief moment I imagined myself again as a little girl sitting in church with a family who went every Sunday.  No one knew of the turmoil and pain that went on under our roof, (maybe our bishop but no body else.)  I thought, "If there are families like the one from my childhood sitting in this congregation right now then there is certainly a great number of people who are suffering needlessly in the church as well."  I remember a former bishop of ours used to call the constant visits in his office, "The Parade of Pain."

The hearts of men and women need not fail if they would only turn.  In the Book of Numbers, chapter 21, the children of Israel were bitten by serpents. Many of the people were dying but God provided an escape from the pain, suffering, and death.  He commanded Moses to raise a serpent on his staff and tell the people if they would just look at the raised serpent, they would be healed.  How can we look? How do we turn?  I believe it is through the simple process of faith and repentance, sincere prayer, daily seeking God's word (modern and ancient), and weekly partaking of Christ's sacrament.  It's the primary answer, just as simple as "look."

The children of Israel were healed by looking to Christ, they defeated the Amorites and the people of Bashan who fought against them. I testify that as we turn and look to Christ as the children of Israel did, our hearts will not fail us in these last days, even though the whole world will be in commotion.

Where can we turn for peace?  Nowhere else but to God, to our Father in Heaven and His son, Jesus Christ - "He only ONE."

-Alicia

Dispelling Darkness

It was a rough Sunday afternoon for me one week ago.  Seemingly out of nowhere, I had been seized with a midst of darkness that choked me with feelings of deep despair.  No matter how I viewed myself all I could see were flaws, weaknesses, and every possible area that I was lacking as a mother, a wife, a daughter... you name it.

The very next morning I received a letter from my dear nephew, Dane. He described much of what weighed on my heart the day before.  How timely his letter was! I related to almost every word.  I was grateful for his willingness to be so real and express honestly what we often guard so closely.  We both had experienced a shroud of darkness and we both experieced peace restored through the grace of our Savior.   I love Dane's writings, how he poetically articulates expressions of his heart.  I've included part of his letter at the end of this post.

This evening, our Home Teachers shared the First Presidency Message with our family.  I especially appreciated what President Uchtdorf said about keeping our torches lit.  It reminded me of the promise I had received years ago in my patriarchal blessing, "Never any day will you need to walk in darkness but will have the light of truth in your life."  I believe this blessing is available to all of us!

"Sometimes after stumbling, failing, or even giving up, we get discouraged and believe our light has gone out and our race is lost. But I testify that the Light of Christ cannot be extinguished. It shines in the darkest night and will relight our hearts if only we incline our hearts to Him (see 1 Kings 8:58).

As long as we continue to rise up and move toward our Savior, we win the race with our torches burning brightly.

For the torch is not about us or about what we do.

It is about the Savior of the world.

And that is a Light that can never be dimmed. It is a Light that swallows the darkness, heals our wounds, and blazes even in the midst of the deepest sorrow and unfathomable darkness.

It is a Light that surpasses understanding." - Dieter F. Uchtdorf

I love the access we have to our Father in Heaven.  I love that He is approachable, that the darkness of despair in our lives can be dispelled whenever we turn to Him and we can again raise our torches high.  It's all because of the One who knows us and Who gives us strength when we are weak and hope when we are hurting. Through the grace of Christ we can be renewed and do all things that are required of us.

-Alicia

Beautiful testimony from my nephew, Dane (Elder Whitaker):

Last week I suffered a lot of needless pain. Every turn seemed like a wrong choice and every thought a grapple within myself for control. I couldn't say why--we had a bad week, I guess, but I think I rocked the boat a lot more than necessary. With the end approaching, weaknesses and faults weighing on me, the aching miles looming behind, and the million rejections and lost appointments whirling around me like harpies, I allowed myself to slide into a self-destructive cycle. I think I've probed more deeply within myself during these 20 months than at any other point in my life. I've discovered depths of darkness and glorious rays of sunshine I never knew before.

So yesterday I was reading in Helaman 5 and the relevance of the Lamanites' conversion in the prison struck me more clearly than before. They saw Nephi and Lehi wreathed in harmless fire, and later, conversing with angels. Yet terror and darkness immobilized them and distanced them from a glorious happening. Others were having highly spiritual experiences and they were firmly wrapped in confusion and despair, so thick they hadn't even the power to escape one step. I know that feeling. A voice came to them declaring repentance, in fact that message came four times--count it--and they didn't grasp the meaning until the fourth time, when Aminadab repeated it to them.

Seek no more to destroy my servants, was His invitation. I realized that seeking to destroy oneself in the service of God is just as wrong as seeking the downfall of His ministers. Even if I wasn't deliberately seeking my destruction, I was letting dark thoughts cloud my judgement. And that will only lead to unhealed spiritual wounds. The message to repent didn't glare at or criticize me, it just invited softly. So what's the solution; how is the overpowering cloud dispersed? By repenting, by crying unto God until I have faith in Christ. If my faith is faltering, then I can at least rely on the desire to believe, the hope that draws light in and dispels the shadows. After crying for a time, the Lamanites also received the Spirit, joy, peace, and I, too, can. I prayed then with new hope, asking for faith. I felt peace and faith restored to me.

-Dane

Out of My League

Just with my verse I've been thinking of this week and in light of all I don't feel strong in.  This is my song for today. 

-Alicia

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." - Philippians 4:13

"Beyond Me"

by, TobyMac

Call it a reason to retreat

I got some dreams that are bigger than me

I might be outmatched, outsized, the underdog in the fight of my life

Is it so crazy to believe

That You gave me the stars, put them out of my reach

Called me to waters a little too deep

Oh, I've never been so aware of my need

You keep on making me see

It's way beyond me

Yeah, it's out of my league

It's way beyond me

Anything that I got the strength to do

In over my head keeps me countin' on You

I'm leaving the sweet spot, sure shot

Tradin' it all for the plans You got

Is it so crazy to believe

That You gave me the stars, put them out of my reach

Called me to waters a little too deep

Oh, I've never been so aware of my need

Yeah, you keep on making me see

It's way beyond me

Yeah, it's out of my league

It's way beyond me

You take me to the place where I know I need You

Straight to the depths that I can't handle on my own

And Lord I know, I know I need You

So take me to Your great

Take me to Your great unknown

It's way beyond me, 

The Weak of the Earth

Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Dallin H. Oaks, Gary E. Stevenson, and Koichi Aoyagi in this past General Conference spoke of how the Lord uses the weak of the earth to accomplish His purposes.  My nephew, Dane, wrote home from his mission about this principle from Conference as well:

 "One truth that struck me particularly this time was how weak and human these servants are, subject to the same disappointments and difficulties as all of us. Many of the personal stories they shared were familiar moments from my own life. President Nelson's failed operations and resignation allowed me to see him differently... The three newly called apostles shared feelings of profound inadequacy that I know extremely well--too well. I understand Elder Renlund's emotional distantness. You all know I do. And one of the most powerful moments was seeing President Monson, voice and strength rapidly waning, clinging toward the last words of his talk. Seeing the frailty in them all and how they are sustained fortifies my testimony of their divine calling and righteousness." - Dane Whitaker

It can be terribly painful and overwhelming to see the areas in our lives where we are weak.  And though the things I've been called to do are nowhere even close to approaching the magnitude and responsibility of apostleship, I still struggle with many feelings of inadequacy.

Almost exactly one year ago, I applied to go to the school of my dreams and received notice that my application was rejected.  Feelings of not being good enough, of inferiority, and doubting my ability to receive personal revelation pressed on my soul with a strangling force.  The very next morning, I attended a local institute class my friend, Jennifer Platt, was teaching.  She began the class by saying, she had felt impressed to take the lesson a different direction from our regular "Daughter's in My Kingdom" study.  Without her knowing what weighed on my heart, she proceeded to give the very same lesson on patriarchal blessings and discovering our life's mission that she gave at a seminar in March of 2013. (the one that first awakened me to know without a doubt I needed to pursue BYU.  It's funny because that same month in 2013 I met with a counselor in my Bishopric to get an ecclesiastical endorsement - but I didn't know what I was doing then and I didn't end up fully applying until over a year later.)

Not only was Jennifer's lesson miraculously timely on that day.  That same morning, I also happened to sit down right beside a woman who had never attended Jennifer's class before and never attended it after.  She introduced herself as Carol, she was extremely compassionate towards me noticing the obvious emotion I had been unable to contain during Jennifer's lesson.  Meeting Carol swept me into a current of friends I never imagined associating with, women who are extremely well organized, well dressed, highly educated, beautifully articulate, incredibly intelligent, and solid in their faith.  Two of the women own and edit their own magazine, two are former General Young Women's board members, one is married to a Dr. and makes yearly trips with him to do volunteer work in Africa, and most of the women have Master's degrees and experience in public speaking.  I had the opportunity of spending a week with these fine ladies defending the family at the United Nations earlier this year.  The last week of this month, I will have the opportunity of attending the World Congress of Families with them.  This is the first year World Congress has ever held their meetings in the United States and it's here in Salt Lake City!!

This is just one group I'm associated with through Carol.  The other group is my homeschool friends.  These mom's are of the very same caliber as Carol's political organization.  Every week I'm with them, I wonder how on earth I got to where I am.  What do I even have to offer these ladies?!  I feel as if my contribution is so terribly minimal.  How grateful I am for their friendship in spite of all I lack. They are all so dear to me.

This morning for my personal study I memorized my weekly scripture for "Ponderizing."  I also read 2 Nephi 2:6-7, which led me to D&C 97:8

"Verily I say unto you, all among them who know their hearts are honest, and are broken, and their spirits contrite, and are willing to observe their covenants by sacrifice—yea, every sacrifice which I, the Lord, shall command—they are accepted of me." - D&C 97:8

This scripture brings me an immense amount of comfort.  I don't have much to give.  I am weak and void of skills in so many areas... but I do have a heart that is broken and a spirit that is willing to sacrifice whatever the Lord asks of me.  I find hope knowing that this is accepted of Him.  As long as Christ is my center, I know that "all things will work together for good."

-Alicia

I'm Gonna Carpe This Diem

No Sweat

We all experience it: set-backs and upsets, scenarios that inconvenience, and situations that annoy.  Expecting any stage of life to be an easy ride, free from conflict or uncomfortability, sets a person up for grave disappointment. It just doesn't work that way.

In fact, Neal A. Maxwell said that "Too many of us seem to expect that life will flow ever smoothly, featuring an unbroken chain of green lights with empty parking places just in front of our destinations!"

 Speaking of destinations... Just a couple of days ago, my husband and I purchased a car for him to drive to work on bad-weather days.  We found a well kept Suzuki Forenza with brand new tires, a fine interior /exterior, and only 48,000 miles.  It drove just fine too.  The day after our purchase we took the car into a mechanic and found out from his inspection that we got sucked into buying a total lemon.  He told us when he lifted the car to get a look underneath, there it was as plain as day, the engine had a huge crack!  It was too late, we had signed the title already. We had run a CarFax report that came back clean and the ad said "excellent condition." But we were kicking ourselves for not taking it to our trusted mechanic before going through with the sale.

We spent a full day trying to converse with the sellers by phone, email, and texting. It really turned into a nightmare and by the end, our nerves were shot. We felt sucker-punched for being so foolish and it knocked us both into a slump.  In our exhaustion we stopped and just held one another, took a deep breath and held each other a little more. I looked up at my husband and said, "We'll get through this.  It's just a little hurdle, we'll get through this." It's interesting to me how certain situations can disturb our peace of mind and bind us down to needless anxiety.

On the good side, my dear sweet friend, Suzanne, left me a card on my porch with two movie tickets inside and a large package of Rolo's with a cute little pun encouraging Joseph and I to let this situation "roll" off our backs.  Her gesture didn't fix the car but it fixed my perspective.  I have so much to be grateful for, look at the awesome friends and family I have!  Who cares about the stupid car!  In a few months from now, none of this will really matter, it will all work out, we'll go on with life, and eventually forget about it.

So this was a set-back, a definite upset, yes... but the honest-to-goodness truth is that life rarely happens the way we plan.   And really, when things do go wrong, the outcome never ends up being as bad as we expect it to be.  We can always, always find plenty to be grateful for.

My friends, don't worry. be happy... it will soon pass - whatever it is. ;)

-Alicia
http://theplaceofbecoming.blogspot.com/2015/07/three-things-to-remember.html


“Most putts don’t drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. 

“Life is like an old-time rail journey—delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed.

“The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride”

(“Big Rock Candy Mountains,” Deseret News, 12 June 1973, A4).

“One of the mistakes many of us make is that we feel sorry for ourselves, or for others, thinking that life should be fair, or that someday it will be. It's not and it won't. When we make this mistake we tend to spend a lot of time wallowing and/or complaining about what's wrong with life. "It's not fair," we complain, not realizing that, perhaps, it was never intended to be.” 
(― Richard Carlson, Don't Sweat the Small Stuff ... and it's all small stuff.)