All So Real

My husband and I went to see the movie Lion Saturday night.  Nominated for a Golden Globe award, it's a movie about a boy named Saroo adopted from India by an Australian couple, John and Sue Brierley.

Now since we aren't adoptive parents, we are only fostering right now, there are some big differences, but this movie was much more impactful to us than it would have if we weren't in our current situation.

Being foster parents, Joseph and I have discovered hardships we never even dreamed of. When you bring these children into your home, you adopt all their trauma...and their entire past becomes part of your life. There is no escaping it.

 Saroo was a beautiful experience for John and Sue.  From the moment they brought him home, he was obedient and good-natured. They both bond very quickly with Saroo. But everything changes for the Brierley's when they decide two years later to adopt another boy, Mantosh, from India .

The scene where they bring Mantosh home and introduce him to Saroo has a completely different tone. Mantosh has frequent violent emotional melt-downs, screaming, flailing, and smacking himself. This realization is horrifying to Sue and John. This kind of trauma was not what they expected, especially after their first adoption seemed to be such a happy placement. Sue struggles to remain her natural cheery self. The energy required to care for Mantosh is an exhausting battle day after day that almost drains the life out of her.

Watching this scene filled me with emotion.  I turned to my husband who related instantly too. He looked at me and lovingly squeezed my hand. Tears rolled down my face and I whispered to him, "It's so real. I get this, Joseph. I totally get her pain."
"I know you do." He said, squeezing my hand tighter, "I know."

When Saroo grows older, memories from his past begin to haunt him and he can't let it go until he gets the questions plaguing his mind answered. His emotional state deteriorates in the journey, worrying his adoptive parents greatly.  He apologizes deeply to Sue, "I'm sorry... but you've adopted my past."

Oh, the lives of these children! So few realize the horrors they have experienced, how it plays out and affects everyone in their lives in so many varied ways.  So few realize the energy it takes to help them heal from it all. But someone has to help them heal!

This movie, based on a true story, does an excellent job of creating new insights about adoption... yet, it's still a movie: There's only so much that can be fit into the film, only so much that can be told.  There is so much more behind the scenes and between the lines.

Still though, if you haven't seen Lion -- go!

-Alicia

"Oh, The Places We'll Go"

“You won't lag behind,
because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang
and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly,
you'll be best of the best.
Wherever you go,
you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't.
Because, sometimes, you won't.”
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You'll Go!

Through all of our foster training we've been able to get more of an idea of what we're up against and what will be required of us as individuals and as a family. This is not a small task and it will require all our diligence, all our patience, all our strength, all our energy, and all our love.   I admit that it's kind of frightening.  We don't feel cut out for it and it seems that's exactly what the Adversary wants us to keep feeling: doubt, discouragement, fear, insecurity.

On top of this... It seems that in these last few days all hell has combined to stir up contention among our children.  They have been at each other's throats and my husband and I have been beside ourselves in knowing how to calm them.  It's been discouraging because circumstances like these cause us both to question our ability to handle the additional stresses that will come with foster parenting.  Maybe our children are feeling nervous about the adjustments that will come with this brand new life too and they've just had trouble identifying and expressing such fears?  I don't blame them.  This is huge!!

“And when you're alone there's a very good chance

you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants

There are some, down the road between hither and yon,

that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.” 

― Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You'll Go!

The specific trials that lie ahead are unknown to us and it doesn't do any good speculating how we will handle them.  The truth is, we are sure in our decision and we're not backing down, no matter how much the adversary tries to thwart our resolve.  After our family prayer this morning, we discussed how clearly our mission to foster children unfolded before us and we both bore testimony without any doubt that it's what we need to do despite all the opposition.

In my personal scripture study, I just finished reading about the story of the Jaredites.  They embarked on an unknown journey to a place they'd never been before, launching into the vast and open sea, "commending themselves unto the Lord their God" (Ether 6:4) They faced opposing forces on every hand and it took an immense amount of faith... but look at where it led them... to the promised land!

I like how Moroni inserts his testimony in this record, "Faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith." (Ether 12:6)

Our faith will certainly be on trial... It will be tried and tested in ways we can't comprehend but it will bring about great things! We are confident of that even though "We don't feel ready, We don't feel steady, [and we] Question all we really have to give..."

The truth still remains the same...

"A little somethin' Might feel like nothin' But in His hands it's all we'll ever need
To speak life to the broken Watch the blind eyes open
It's who He's calling you and me To be
It's time to get our hands dirty
Be love... there's a whole lot of hurting
Calling all hearts Calling all hands Calling all feet to take a stand
Why sit around and wait for a miracle to come
when we can be one"
- Natalie Grant - Be One - 

It will all work out.  We're going to give it our very best.  The Lord is guiding our journey... and... Oh, the places we'll go!!

"[We]'re off to Great Places!

Today is [our] day!

Our mountain is waiting.

So...[we're] on [our] way!” 

― Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You'll Go!

-Alicia :)
The Future is as Bright as Your Faith - President Thomas S. Monson
To The Rescue
I Was a Stranger

Vastly Different World

We've finished all of our foster care training (36 hours of classes, 2 hours of online, a total of 76 hours combined).  It has been eye-opening, terrifying, and heart-wrenching to say the least.

Yesterday, we met two women who came as guest speakers to our training, the biological mother and the foster mother (who are now best friends).  Eighteen years ago this single mother had three children and was a severe meth addict.  The night the police came and removed her children from her, she was so devastated that she immediately made attempts to take her own life.

You see before, If she had drugs taken from her she could always find a way to get them again.  If she had money or anything stolen, she could find a way to fraudulently get more.  But she realized when her children were taken that no amount of finagling or criminal masterminding could restore them. It was a done-deal.  It was over.  Her parental rights were completely terminated.

Though the mother could not get her children back, the foster mother understood that we are all biologically tied to our children and them to us. There is no way around the need we all have to stay connected to what flows within our own veins.  She understood that a major part of the grief her foster kids would suffer from was being separated from their mother.  To help them through their sorrow, she hung a picture of their mom in their bedroom and took them to visit her at the county jail twice a month.

These attempts the foster mom made to keep that connection touched the biological mother's heart so deeply that she started to gain hope.  She realized that her life wasn't over.  She discovered she still had something to live for and she was being given a second chance.  Over the course of several more years the bio-mom was able to turn her life around.  She got out of jail, sobered up, finished school, and got a job.  She now works as a counselor in a correctional facility for women and helps them recover from substance abuse.  It was worth every sacrifice and every effort of the foster mom to not only care for the children but to see that their mother needed rescuing too. 

We have a few loose ends that need to be tied and then we can have our home-study come to evaluate us.  We should have our licence to foster in a little over a month.  Once we start having children placed, their stories will be kept confidential with us.  Our entire family will be thrust into a vastly different world from the one we've known.  As the one who is primarily home, I will be attending regular court hearings and arranging visits with the biological parents on a weekly basis as the caseworkers and judges sort out what is in the best interest for the children.  We've never been to court for anything and we've never had to deal with visitation arrangements.

Ultimately with every foster child we care for, our goal will be to do everything we can to help them stay connected to their biological family on the safest terms.  We want their parents to get better, to get treatment, to get counseling, and to turn their lives around.  The ideal is to give the children a safe place to live until that happens and they can return home. When that doesn't happen, we will adopt.

-Alicia

The Same Window With a New View

This weekend, we will complete our foster care training.  I spent nearly every day and every hour this past week organizing the bedrooms & closets, throwing out what can be thrown out, and simplifying how many toys the children really need... just doing everything possible to make space for one more boy and one more girl in our home.  Joseph has already ordered the beds.  (We are hoping for a set of siblings.) We've figured out a system of storage where both the girl and boy rooms can each fit three beds, three dressers, their laundry baskets and still feel comfortable.

Friday, I was putting together the second dresser while listening to my "Musical's Playlist" on Spotify.  A song from Annie came on... "It's a Hard-Knock Life"  played loudly and my feet tapped along. I found myself singing the words...  This time though, I paid closer attention to the lyrics as I hammered and drilled away.  Then, I heard something in the 2014 version that was different than other versions... it went like this,  

"No one cares for you a bit,
When you're a foster kid."  

Tears welled up in my eyes.  I've never teared up listening to that song before...ever!  

(I know,  I know.  What doesn't make me cry? Right?) 

Even I was surprised to be getting emotional.
Then "Carrying the Banner" came on from Newsies.  You know the part where the Nuns sing, 

"Blessed children
Though you wander lost and depraved
Jesus loves you,
You shall be safe"  

Awe man!  Strike two!

I think with everything I've been learning, with all the training lectures, just thinking of everything these kids go through, just thinking of the book about trauma I'm half-way finished with... it all just becomes much more real to me.  I will never hear these songs about orphans quite the same again. 

We honestly don't know how many placements we will go through until we receive the ones available for adoption.  We don't know how soon the placements will even happen.  That's really up to the committee.   

When we were given the address of where we would be coordinating all our placements and where the children would be coming from, I was shocked.  How many children have looked out that 5th floor and stared right at our apartment?  We see this building a million times a day.  Little did we realize just how close to home it would be and how much it would play a part in our life.   I pray for these children with all my heart.  We hope they will find some comfort here. And for two of them, we hope our place will become their home to stay.

-Alicia

Removed

Yesterday in foster training, we watched this short video that shows what it is often like for a child to be removed from their biological parents and placed in the fostering system.  It was so profound and heart-wrenching for both us.  It only increases our desire to make a steady and loving place for one or two children in our home.

We showed it to our kids tonight for family counsel.  We asked them questions and discussed the possible things that would cause the girl in this film to lash out like she did on occasion.  The children shared some very insightful and compassionate answers.  It was a great discussion.  We plan to pass on as much training as we can for our kids before we become licenced in the next couple months.

ReMoved

"Sometimes someone hurts you so bad, it stops hurting at all... until something makes you feel again.  Then it all comes back, every word, every hurt, every moment.

How could you ever understand where I come from?

Even if you ask, even if you listen, you do not really hear or see or feel... you don't remember my story.  You haven't walked my path.  You haven't seen what I've seen.

My past defines me.  This is who I am. I am unseen, unheard, unwanted... that is what I am... if even I am anything.

It seemed like the same thing that held me up, forced me down.  The world turned upside-down and order disappeared.  Nothing was how it was supposed to be... and a heavy sadness filled my soul.

Deeper and deeper I fell within myself.  And nothing could draw me out.  Trapped in the misery of my life, lost in the sorrow of my soul, unable to see the light, unable to see the dawn... to feel, to hope, to dream.  And I found the darkest days of my life kept coming.  The blackest nights for my soul never stopped.  It seemed like it was always nighttime and nightmares and never morning.

 And maybe you wonder why... but mostly you try not to think about it... and try to get by... and try to survive.

And all the other stuff seems so much like nothing, compared to just wanting the most important things back again;
Like wishing you could see your mama smile again... and hear her sing that one favorite song that always calmed you down when things were all messed up.
Or if you couldn't have her back, at least get to take care of your baby brother, cause you know he needs you... and he's gonna be so scared all alone.  And who's going to hold his hand and whisper it will be alright to him?
And who will whisper it to me?

I know I am helpless, dependent, desperate... but what happens when those you need the most threaten your very existence?
I've heard plenty of promises and they all sound the same... but push hard enough and sooner or later, they all prove to be empty.

The sun comes up every morning... but do you know where?  Each place is somewhere different.
It's hard to find east when you keep moving around, but at least it comes.  It always comes.  I've come to depend on that.

And slowly, slowly seasons changed around me.... and it seemed, this time, that maybe the world would not be pulled out from under me again...
Feet safe, roots starting to grow... little buds of hope forming.... slowly attempting to trust this new life.

I wish someone would tell me it's going to be okay.  That one day, maybe, I'll feel normal... that I won't always be no-one... That I'll have a mommy who will hug me, who will be strong for me... because maybe, I can't do it all by myself...

This my past, my history, my story, is not my fault... it's not because of me and doesn't have to be what defines my future.

I am lovable.
I am worthy of care.
And that glimmer of light... it makes all the difference.  The glimmers of light give me hope... that someday my summer will come."

Healing From Trauma

We started our 34 hours of in-class training for foster care yesterday.  The instructor shared this video to illustrate how we all become hard-wired in different things.  She showed this to exemplify that what is easy to understand for ourselves is not necessarily easy for others to get.

Have you ever interacted with someone who has driven you absolutely crazy?  Did you walk away asking yourself questions like these?

Why do they communicate that way?
Why do they do it like that?
Why would they ever think that behavior is appropriate?
Why can't they understand?

To us, certain habits, social cues, religious practices, etc. may be as simple as "riding a bike"... but... to someone else who has experienced a different life growing up, especially one who has experienced something traumatic, it's a whole other ball game.

This video about the backwards bike was profound for me.  My mind was totally blown (you could see it on my face as I watched it for the first time).  It was a huge aha moment for me as the instructor related it to trying to understand our different worlds... especially the world of a trauma victim. Also, what it might be like for these children to understand my "simple solutions."

That's what all foster children have in common: Trauma.  She said trauma actually lives in their body even when it seems as if they are calm or conversing normal, their body has become accustomed to living at a heightened stress level and they could snap at any given moment.

She also showed this scene from "How to Train Your Dragon" (befriending a foe) to illustrate Dr. Bruce Perry's four P's for working with a child who has experienced trauma:

1. Be Present
2. Be Parallel
3. Be Predictable
4. Patient

This was my other aha moment.  I realized (knowing my own personality) that if I had been in Hiccup's situation with this dragon, I would have tried to be instant friends, jump right on the back of the beast, and fly happily away.
But it's not that simple.

It takes being present (let them know you're there but don't push your way in),
Being parallel (stepping into their world or trying to ride their "backwards bike"),
Being predictable (live consistently what you preach),
And be patient (let them come to you, on their own time, in their own way).

My husband and I are excited to learn these principles.  Doing foster care in order to adopt will be one of the best ways to teach us these four P's first hand.  We want to help the children placed with us to heal. to bring hope into their lives. We know it will be extremely difficult.  We will fall down.  We will get hurt.  We will have to make some serious adjustments and it may take us several months, maybe even years to feel like we've found our balance, but we can learn to ride a bike... even if it's backwards.

-Alicia

(Part 1 of 2 - Audio Book )
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

(Part 2 of 2 - Audio Book )
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

"And You Took Me In" - Ponderize - Week 29

We met with our foster care recruiter tonight.  He was so cool!! He has two biological children and has adopted 15 kids through foster care.  It was great to hear what he had to share from his own experiences. My husband and I found his stories very encouraging and inspiring.

Next month, we can start what is called a marathon training where all the classes my husband and I need to take to be licenced as a foster family will be packed into training sessions into two Fridays and two Saturdays.  We also have a large stack of papers to fill out again but many of the questions are similar to our former packet... so, a little bit of copying and pasting will make it easy.

We've had a few family counsels about this subject in the last several weeks and the kids seem to be really comfortable with the idea.  This will take some serious open and honest communication in the days and months that lie ahead.  We really don't know what all of this will bring but we feel excited for the lessons and experiences that await us.

I'm really loving this scripture right now.  It's a perfect one to ponder for the week.  :)

"For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in: Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me." - Matt 25:35,36

-Alicia

To the Rescue

My husband has been sharing with me some great things about adoption.  We have shifted from expecting a new-born to possibly a teenage girl who is close to aging out of the foster system. This will mean we need to go through some more training and have a completely new home-study.  We've been making adjustments and plans in the kid's room to create more space.  It's crazy to believe we're actually doing this.

 Last week, I listened to Sister Linda K. Burton's talk from this most recent women's conference a number of times. She spoke of refugees and every time she did all I could think of were these girls I've seen recently on Wednesday's Child.

These are my husband's thoughts concerning the matter - Gosh, I love this guy!

"I listened to Mervyn B. Arnold’s talk “The the Rescue: We Can Do It” from the April 2016 G.C.  As he shared his first principle of rescuing, “We Must Not Delay Going to the Rescue”, and as he shared the story of the officials who spent too much time ‘preparing’ and waiting for the opportune moment to rescue the boats at sea, the idea of adoption came to my mind.  We have talked about getting our house ready to receive another member.  I have spent time thinking about that.  I think the thinking time is past.  We just need to get to work.  I did spend some time considering how and where we would put another person and I think some very good ideas were developed.  Alicia liked them and so I don’t think we need to delay any longer.  We can also get the adoption people over from foster care for their initial visit and get that rolling as soon as possible.  I don’t think it’s a question of whether or not we are going to adopt at this point.  It is going to be the question of who.  So, I don’t think we need to take the former question to the Lord anymore.  I think we need to get into a position where we can pray about who.  Without delay!

            And then I just read this from the Howard W. Hunter manual: “All of us must finish our “preparations unto the children of men” [D&C 19:19]. Christ’s preparations were quite different from our own, but we all have preparations to make, doors to open. To make such important preparations often will require some pain, some unexpected changes in life’s path, and some submitting, “even as a child doth submit to his father” [Mosiah 3:19]”.  We must finish our preparations to that child of men that will join our family and we must have our doors open to do so, including the doors of our hearts.  It is going to require some adjustments, perhaps even some pain, and I pray that I may be possessed of charity for perfect love casteth out all fear.  I think the point is that we need to get on the stick and get licensed."

Reality Check

My husband and I met with our social worker, Mr. Baxter, to turn in all of our adoption papers.  Man, the questions they have you fill out -They want your whole entire life story!  Between me and my husband, we turned in 40 typed pages! The social worker said we filed everything very quickly and that most people don't turn their papers in so fast.  I thought that was funny because later, he conducted a small interview and asked how long our courtship was.
I responded, "We were engaged after 5 weeks from our first date and married 11 weeks after that."
Mr. Baxter tipped his glasses down to raise his eyebrows at me.  Joseph smiled wryly and told the story of our first kiss (which was his first kiss)  "She's always been a fast mover. When she knows something is right, she doesn't hesitate, she moves!"
"Well, I guess that explains why you two are getting everything set in motion with this adoption so fast."
We had a great visit and everything went well.
Near the end of the interview he informed us with what he called "a reality check."
"I must tell you that most young birth mothers are looking for a 'Ken and Barbie' couple, one with a nice big house and preferably no other children.  It may be very difficult for you to find someone who would be willing to give their baby to you... you're an older couple with children of your own already and you live in an apartment."
"I'm not too worried," I said "We have fasted and prayed about this and have received a very clear answer.  I feel confident that the Lord will make it all happen in His way and timing." My husband smiled with agreement.
"Well then, if all goes well, you should be able to get your profile up by January sometime."
"That's what we're hoping."  We shook Mr. Baxter's hand and thanked him as he wished us the best.
He's coming back again on Monday to interview our children and inspect our home.  It's been great motivation for me do some deep cleaning. I feel good about things.  Our apartment may be small and not very stylish but I can say it's clean.

This morning in my scripture studies, I read a verse and thought of how this has all come to be.  I'm overwhelmed with gratitude.  It is nothing short of a miracle.  Something has changed in my husband, I can't describe it.  I never thought I would see him so enthusiastic about this or about life.  The Spirit has rested upon him these past few months in a way that I've never seen before.  He's been happier, more resilient, more faith-filled, and more at peace.  We both know that the Spirit has been guiding us.  We trust this and because we trust the character of our Father in Heaven we know that it will all work out.  This is His will for us.  Here's the scripture I read:

"And [we] do this for a wise purpose;  for thus it whispereth [us], according to the workings of the Spirit of the Lord which is in [us].  And now, [we] do not know all things;  but the Lord knoweth all things which are to come; wherefore, He worketh in [us] to do according to His will." - Words of Mormon 1:7

I know it's true.  We may not be the poster couple but it doesn't really matter.  The "reality check" is this is God's work not ours... And when it comes to the things of this world, I honestly believe "sometimes having more is really less." We will be led in the right direction and there is nothing to fear.

-Alicia

What Shall I Give the Child?

I was having a conversation about adoption with a friend of mine the other day, she thoughtfully mentioned a woman she knew who also has recently decided to adopt.  I instantly recognized the description of the woman my friend spoke of because she's a homeschooler too.  I had seen their family photo on social media advertising themselves to find a birth mom.  The picture of their perfectly clean and dressed children flashed in my mind.   This woman and her husband run their own music business, their children all play instruments, or take other lessons.  They have a gorgeous home that is impeccably organized and the list goes on.

My friend continued to tell me a story about a recent amazing and outstanding accomplishment of this woman.  I can't even remember what the story was because I started to zone out .  I could feel my train of thought switching tracks and the nagging shoulder demon climb aboard;  "Look at everything this woman has to offer the new little baby she adopts; a spacious gorgeous home, beautiful clothes, professional music, karate, and dance lessons.  What can I offer?  What would make a birth-mother choose me when there are women out there like her?  I can't offer any of those things."

That night as I knelt to say my evening prayers, the feelings of inadequacy continued to weigh heavy on my heart.  A memory from before I  met my husband entered in my thoughts: I was hanging out at my boyfriend's house when I overheard his mother in the other room gossiping that I reminded her of Eliza Doolittle, so unrefined and uneducated.  (Thank goodness I dodged that bullet for a mother-in-law!!)  But even though it was 20 years ago, her words echoed hauntingly in my mind as I knelt in my living-room to pray.  I poured out my soul to God.  I shared with Him my desires to care for this little child despite everything I lack.  "I'm not very well educated but I'm working on that.  I can't offer professional music or dance lessons... but I promise my home will be filled with music and dancing.  I can't offer lots of space for the child to live in because our apartment is not that big... but I promise their will be no shortage of room in my heart.  I can't promise stylish clothes because I've never been good at keeping up with fashion... but every day I will strive to clothe them in the "armor of God."  I prayed until I fell asleep and awoke only slightly enough to drag myself to bed.

The following morning, this song by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir was playing like angels singing in my head, "What Shall We Give "...  I got up and searched for it on Youtube.  Tears immediately streamed down my face as the image of the Christ child in a lowly manger struck my heart.  Did Mary and Joseph feel inadequate like me?  Did they wish with all their souls that they could provide only the finest for their newborn baby?  In this moment, the Spirit whispered to me a beautiful and valuable lesson,  "Alicia, the very Son of God was born into far more humble circumstances than yours.  What are the gifts that truly matter most to Him?  He's not concerned with material things or how well your children fall in line with the social upper classes.  He wants them to fall in line with Him... and anyone, with any background, in any circumstance can do that."  Grateful for this revelation, I felt comforted and my heart was at peace.

What shall I give this child?
The same thing I give to my Lord and Savior.  I will give love and affection, praise and adoration.  I will give my whole heart and soul.
-Alicia

Save the Children

Ellen and Me - Oceanside, CA

She was born just two weeks after I was.  We both stayed in Utah Valley Regional's newborn facility.  I was premature so I was there a full month but she was there for only a couple of days.  Did our parents pass each other in the hall and give a friendly wave?  Did the same nurse check in on us?  If so, our paths wouldn't cross again until twenty-one years later.

The first time I met Ellen, she was on leave from the Marines to visit her family for the summer.  She joined the Marines just after her brother, Jason.  It was hard for me to believe the stories of her beating all the men from her unit in arm-wrestling contests.  She was an inch or so shorter than me with a nice slender figure.  It was obvious she was toned and fit but she just didn't seem the type.  She was a perfect ginger with shoulder length red hair, a porcelain complexion, ruby red lips, hazel green eyes, and a splash of golden freckles.  I couldn't imagine her being that tough... but the stories were true.  There was a presence about Ellen, a quiet sort of wisdom.  She seemed like she was ten years older than me even though we were almost the exact same age.  I couldn't put my finger on why I felt that way.  I remember being impressed with how much she adored her brother's humor. "Oh stop, Joseph," she laughed, as my soon-to-be husband jokingly posed for her camera in a lurpy stance.

What was it about Ellen that made me feel like she had experiences beyond her age?  Joseph and I must have been married close to three years when I think I discovered the reason:

"She has a daughter? I never knew your sister had a daughter?"
"Yeah, Ellen got pregnant just before I left on my mission." My husband said. "She was sixteen at the time.  I don't remember ever meeting her boyfriend, he took off pretty fast when he got the news and was never heard of again."

A part of her wanted to keep the baby and find a way to struggle through everything all on her own but she knew she wasn't ready for such a lonely undertaking.  The day she gave birth and signed the relinquish papers was the hardest day of her life.  She held her tiny baby girl in her arms, kissed her perfect bronze skin, and caressed her soft black hair.  Tears flowed down her cheeks in an endless stream as she gazed into her little girl's big dark eyes.  She wished she could stop the clock from turning and hold this moment forever.  Finally, it was time;  The nurse walked in, wrapped up Ellen's baby and took her away to her new family.  The hole that remained in Ellen's heart refused to be filled. Joining the Marines was a good excuse for her to get away from all of the surroundings that haunted her and fix her mind on other things.  She had to learn to be tough.

Cruel consequences forced her to grow up much faster than most girls her age.  Her choices launched her into a foreign world.  Such a rude awakening is enough to bring one crashing to their knees.  A strange sort of tender mercy in the form of heartbreak caused her to make serious pivotal changes and she began from that point to turn her life around. She had experienced so much in such a short period of time... no wonder she always felt so much older than me.

Seventeen years after giving her baby up for adoption, Ellen's daughter found and contacted her.  It was a beautiful reunion and the hole in her heart was finally filled.

In March of this year, I listened to a woman tell quite a different story of her teenage pregnancy experience, as I sat in one of the presentation rooms of the United Nations.  The woman described the horrific emotional scars that plagued her after the abortion.  She withdrew into a world of isolation and attempted to end her own life.  No one ever told her that she would experience such a hellish aftermath. "No one ever told me," she thought. And that's when it hit her.. That's what she needed to do, speak up, warn, let the other young mothers know, gather similar stories like her own and tell people.  She began an organization called Silent No More.  I searched the website later that week and listened to one experience after the other.  The stories moved my heart to deep compassion.

I don't think there has ever been a year in my life where I've had so many thoughts of teenage pregnancies and the abortion crisis.

So, when my husband came to me wanting to have another baby, I poured out my heart to him.  I told him that I wanted to save a child and not just the infant... I wanted to save the child who was bearing that baby.  We prayed and my husband felt the Spirit witness to him that this was right and good.  He's 100% completely and totally on board, it's amazing!! There really aren't many closed adoptions now days, in fact ours will be open.  They've discovered that the child does much better when he or she knows who their biological parents are from the very beginning.

I find it more than a coincidence that in the group of homeschoolers I was divinely led to a year ago, one of the moms has successfully adopted three children.  We've talked several times recently and she's given me some great advice.  It was comforting to know she was able to adopt her newest baby for $3,000.  I know everything is going to work out.  I believe with all of this we will witness miracle upon miracle.  That's just the way God works when you step out into the dark with the light of faith.

-Alicia

"Abortion is not the answer. This only compounds the problem. It is an evil and repulsive escape that will someday bring regret and remorse.

Marriage is the more honorable thing. This means facing up to responsibility. It means giving the child a name, with parents who together can nurture, protect, and love.

When marriage is not possible, experience has shown that adoption, difficult though this may be for the young mother, may afford a greater opportunity for the child to live a life of happiness.....

...Every home, regardless of the cost of the house, can provide an environment of love which will be an environment of salvation.
... It is the spirit in that home, the extension of the love of a good man who holds the priesthood of God and a good woman whose heart is filled with true affection and gratitude, and of children born of a sound marriage who have been nurtured and reared in an environment of peace and faith and security.
...Save the children. Too many suffer and weep. God bless us to be mindful of them, to lift them and guide them as they walk in dangerous paths, to pray for them, to bless them, to love them, to keep them secure until they can run with strength of their own" - President Gordon B. Hinckley - Oct. 1994

Rally this summer 2015 - To peacefully protest Planned Parenthood

Me, Carol Allen, Kanani Horito, and Ann Takasaki

God Doesn't Waste Time

I can't say much of what is happening right now but I do feel that miracles are already in the works.  The very same night after I wrote my last post, my brother-in-law, Jeff, called my husband out of the blue. Excitedly, he informed Joseph that he had just recommended him for a job where his starting pay would be a great deal more than what he's getting now.  Jeff has no idea that we've been considering adoption, (I don't think any one in our families know, unless they follow my blog.)  And I think the only people who knew that Joseph has been wanting a change of occupation is me and a couple of others.

Anyway, this is all happening so fast...
Through word-of-mouth and high recommendations from Jeff, the only thing my husband had to do was send in his resume and the company has already called him in for an interview on Monday.

Is this timing just merely a coincidence?  I guess we'll see but I don't think so.  If he gets this job it could mean big changes, possibly even moving to Salt Lake.  I hope not.  I am so in love with where I live right now.  But, even still I know that God sees the bigger picture and I've never doubted that.  He has been preparing my heart to let go.  I will submit to wherever He leads us.  I trust Him.

Wow, so many things to think about...

-Alicia

The Miracle Factor

We know absolutely nothing about the process of adoption and the consultant we met with yesterday had only one hour to dump out as much information on us as she could before her next appointment.  Needless to say, when she finished, we were both a little overwhelmed.  I was clueless about how much legal work, time, research, and money is needed for adoption.  I looked at the stack of brochures, pamphlets, and business cards the consultant left us with and thought,  "It's certainly going to take a great deal of energy for us to slice through all this homework."

I think I'm still whirling in shock that my husband even agreed to this meeting.  For years he's been opposed to having more children and even more opposed to caring for someone else's.  I honestly don't know what has come over him, but I'll take it! :)

Last night we were discussing the cost and my husband expressed his concern for how long this process will take to scrape up all that is necessary.  I could sense the consultant's words were weighing heavy on him like an enormous boulder smashed right into the middle of our path.  I completely understood the feeling.  He told me that I might have to quit school but I disagreed.  I really think with just a couple of classes a year, my school won't be an issue.  Besides after this winter semester I will have enough credits to begin to apply for scholarships.  Then he said, "I'll tell you what, you make all the phone calls and gather the information on all the costs and we can sit down one evening and make a spreadsheet where we can visually compare our options."  I agreed and said that sounded just fine.  He paused for a moment then appended very sternly, "But Alicia... You have got to understand that as we lay this out in our budget and do the math we cannot write in one of the boxes 'miracle' as a factor.  A miracle just isn't something we can 'plan' for."

I sat there for a very long time in silence and remembered when we prayed in the temple shortly after we moved to BYU.  We had lived here for summer and fall semester when Joseph was laid off from his part-time job.  A few days into winter semester, he was offered a research job with his professor that equaled out to one-forth the income he had been receiving before we ever moved to BYU.  I didn't have a spreadsheet with me at the time but it didn't take much for me to do the math and see that there wasn't enough to go around no matter how hard we scraped.  I wrestled with the idea and prayed about our financial situation. I kept thinking, "If he takes this research job we will have nothing to live on.  There won't be enough to fill our needs." Then as my husband and I joined hands and I whispered a prayer for guidance, I envisioned myself with 5,000 people sitting at the feet of Christ (in Mark 8) staring at the few loaves of bread and fishes, I fiercely argued, "Lord, this doesn't add up!" I realized in that moment how ridiculous it seemed to "argue with the Lord."  Of course it didn't add up with the math I was doing... I had not included the miracle factor.

Shortly after that I was asked by our landlord to be the apartment manager for the duration of his mission with his wife.  This reduced our rent to $200 a month.  That was something I could have never foreseen.  But the majority of miracles we witnessed during that trial didn't come in the form of money but rather in the form of ability and capacity to make things work with what we had.  It came in the form of education, in the form of faith building and soul stretching.  We had been called to BYU.  We didn't know why or where or how everything was going to work out.  But we KNEW we were called to go.  I firmly believe President Monson's promise that "If we are on the Lord’s errand, we are entitled to the Lord’s help."

 If adopting a baby is something God is calling us to do, and I truly believe it is... then it will work out...  and yes, when we lay out all the boxes before our eyes, we can trust full-heartedly that there will be things we can't foresee.  Miracles must not only be factored in our equation but fully expected and central to our plans.  I believe this is one of the most valuable lessons we could ever learn in life:  To learn what our mission is and then jump in with both feet...  no fear.... just faith.

-Alicia