Rise Each Time You Fall

 I wasn't able to sit in Sacrament Meeting for our own ward today because I had Stake business... which meant Joseph was on his own with the kids. I was a little distracted in my other meetings because I was so worried that it was going to be another one of those Sundays where our foster kids displayed their hatred for the Sabbath in every possible way, pushing and resisting, fighting and ignoring, squirming and sassing... you know--the whole nine yards. I just didn't want Joseph to have to deal with that by himself because it's so draining.

You can imagine how pleased I was to find out that everything went well. The foster kids did amazing this time! They got along, they sat still, they didn't complain, or fight, or throw tantrums, or make rude remarks. Even tonight went smoothly for bed.  My foster daughter didn't scream for an hour like she has been for the last couple weeks. She went straight up to bed without a fight. I rotated through each child, scratching all their backs for five or six minutes each. Everyone was contented and everyone went to sleep without a struggle. Wow!

Days like these are just enough incentive for us to keep going.

The Stake business I had to attend to today was another ward's conference.  Bishop Speckheart of that ward spoke first and read this poem. I was glad to be there to hear it because I felt like the words were so applicable for this journey my husband and I are on.  I couldn't stop the tears from streaming down my face. This poem was exactly what I needed! Absolutely perfect!

The Race
by, D.H. Groberg

“Quit! Give Up! You’re beaten!”
They shout at me and plead.
“There’s just too much against you now.
This time you can’t succeed.”

And as I start to hang my head
In front of failure’s face,
My downward fall is broken by
The memory of a race.

And hope refills my weakened will
As I recall that scene;
For just the thought of that short race
Rejuvenates my being.

A children’s race–young boys, young men–
How I remember well.
Excitement, sure! But also fear;
It wasn’t hard to tell.

They all lined up so full of hope
Each thought to win that race.
Or tie for first, or if not that,
At least take second place.

And fathers watched from off the side
Each cheering for his son.
And each boy hoped to show his dad
That he would be the one.

The whistle blew and off they went
Young hearts and hopes afire.
To win and be the hero there
Was each young boy’s desire.

And one boy in particular
Whose dad was in the crowd
Was running near the lead and thought:
“My dad will be so proud!”

But as they speeded down the field
Across a shallow dip,
The little boy who thought to win
Lost his step and slipped.

Trying hard to catch himself
His hands flew out to brace,
And mid the laughter of the crowd
He fell flat on his face.

So down he fell and with him hope
–He couldn’t win it now–
Embarrassed, sad, he only wished
To disappear somehow.

But as he fell his dad stood up
And showed his anxious face,
Which to the boy so clearly said,
“Get up and win the race.”

He quickly rose, no damage done,
–Behind a bit, that’s all–
And ran with all his mind and might
To make up for his fall.

So anxious to restore himself
–To catch up and to win–
His mind went faster than his legs:
He slipped and fell again!

He wished then he had quit before
With only one disgrace.
“I’m hopeless as a runner now;
I shouldn’t try to race.”

But in the laughing crowd he searched
And found his father’s face;
That steady look which said again:
“Get up and win the race!”

So up he jumped to try again
–Ten yards behind the last–
“If I’m to gain those yards,” he thought,
“I’ve got to move real fast.”

Exerting everything he had
He regained eight or ten,
But trying so hard to catch the lead
He slipped and fell again!

Defeat! He lied there silently
–A tear dropped from his eye–
“There’s no sense running anymore;
Three strikes: I’m out! Why try!”

The will to rise had disappeared;
All hope had fled away;
So far behind, so error prone;
A loser all the way.

“I’ve lost, so what’s the use,” he thought
“I’ll live with my disgrace.”
But then he thought about his dad
Who soon he’d have to face.

“Get up,” an echo sounded low.
“Get up and take your place;
You were not meant for failure here.
Get up and win the race.”

With borrowed will "get up,” it said,
“You haven’t lost at all.
For winning is no more than this:
To rise each time you fall.”

So up he rose to run once more,
And with a new commit
He resolved that win or lose
At least he wouldn’t quit.

So far behind the others now,
–The most he’d ever been–
Still he gave it all he had
And ran as though to win.

Three times he’d fallen, stumbling;
Three times he rose again;
Too far behind to hope to win
He still ran to the end.

They cheered the winning runner
As he crossed the line first place.
Head high, and proud, and happy;
No falling, no disgrace.

But when the fallen youngster
Crossed the line last place,
The crowd gave him the greater cheer,
For finishing the race.

And even though he came in last
With head bowed low, unproud,
You would have thought he’d won the race
To listen to the crowd.

And to his dad he sadly said,
“I didn’t do too well.”
“To me, you won,” his father said.
“You rose each time you fell.”

And now when things seem dark and hard
And difficult to face,
The memory of that little boy
Helps me in my race.

For all of life is like that race,
With ups and downs and all.
And all you have to do to win,
Is rise each time you fall.

“Quit! Give up! You’re beaten!”
They still shout in my face.
But another voice within me says:
“GET UP AND WIN THE RACE!”

This Mission

I'm at a loss of words with what to post these days.  I feel like we've all been through the war with foster care.  You know a soldier can prepare and train for battle, they can go through all the drills, but there is nothing like actually being on the front lines. It's a real eye-opener to say the least. Foster care and adoption are extremely romanticized: There is so much more underneath and behind every story.

I met a woman named Hannah in church whose mother-in-law was a foster mom for many years.  Last Sunday, Hannah asked me how things were going.  I told her, "we're just taking it one day at a time.  That's really all we can do." She listened sincerely.  Hannah was so thoughtful and quickly sought for some advice from her mother-in-law.  Later that afternoon, I received a very long email as a response.  I really needed the support.

I know that things could be so much more difficult than they are.  I just read a post by another foster mom seeking advice. She explained that her foster son has these outbursts where he starts throwing the heaviest thing in the room and punches her other kids in her family until they bleed. "until they bleed?" Sheesh! Reading that made me very grateful we haven't had any situations that extreme.

Every time we come close to throwing in the towel, both Joseph and I get some kind of impression or some sort of heavenly nod that encourages us to keep going.  Last weekend, I went to Time Out for Women.  Nathan Pacheco sang the main theme from The Mission (a song that has played a huge role in my life's mission). Later,  Micheal Wilcox and Hillary Weeks both gave analogies to trials as climbing a mountain (another parallel in my own life). The part that I least expected was when  Emily Freeman spoke briefly about her experience as a foster mom while raising her four biological children. So much of the event felt like a direct message to me... to us, in all we are facing.

This mission wasn't given to us because we were worthy for it.  Heaven knows there are a billion other parents who would do a far better job than we are doing!  This mission was given to us because we asked for it, we were willing to do it.  If we hadn't relied on God before, we're certainly relying on Him now because we definitely can't do this on our own.

 "Thou therefore endure hardness, as a good soldier of Jesus Christ." - 2 Timothy 2:3

"And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up." - D&C 84:88

-Alicia

So long 2016!

Wow, what a year! 

1. The City Center Temple dedication and cultural celebration. 

2. Alexa's High School Graduation. 

3. Stake boundary changes and the formation of our new Stake. 

4. Kaylee's Baptism.

5. Saying farewell to the ward family we love so much.

6. Saying farewell to my dear sweet friend, Lou (1929-2016).

7. Alexa's Baptism.

8. Moving into a new place, a new home, a new ward.

9. Changes to our family boundaries and becoming foster parents.

When this year started off, I had no idea how completely different our lives would look at the end.   It has been beautiful, painful, eye-opening, heartbreaking, exhausting, and glorious!

I take comfort in knowing that God is with me, fighting my battles. Who knows what this next year will bring? So long, farewell, 2016.

-Alicia

I Saw an Angel Fly - Ponderize - Week 60

"And I saw another angel fly in the midst of heaven, having the everlasting gospel
to preach unto them that dwell on the earth,
and to every nation, and kindred, and tongue, and people,

Saying with a loud voice, Fear God, and give glory to him;
for the hour of his judgment is come: and worship him that made heaven,
and earth, and the sea, and the fountains of waters."

 - Revelation 14:6-7

No Turning Back!

I never did end up serving a full-time mission but I imagine that many missionaries experience moments where they just want to go home, they want things to be the way they once were, in a place among people who speak their language, and where they are completely comfortable.

What if you were called to serve in an area where you felt like nothing you did made a difference, where the people rejected you, were mean to you, even when you tried to help them, nothing but hundreds of doors slammed in your face? Of course you would have moments where you wanted to go home.

I tried to use this analogy with Kaylee tonight as I laid in bed with her, scratching her back. She was relaxed with my body next to hers but her thoughts were still reflective. Today wasn't easy. Our foster daughter has a little problem with punching, scratching, and kicking others (all behaviors which are strictly forbidden in our family).  We're working on things, it will just take some training but Kaylee had a few wounds that were proof of the struggle today with her new "younger sibling."
She sighed and whispered, "Mom, I don't want to be a foster family anymore.  I just want our family."
I squeezed her tightly and kissed her head, "Honey, I know how you feel and it's okay to have those feelings. You are doing a wonderful job though! You've been so patient, and you're setting such a good example. Our foster kids will learn, we need to give them time."

I reminded her of her cousins who completed their full-time missions this year,
"Kaylee, what if Dane or Bryson decided that the place they were called to was just too hard? I'm sure there were many times they felt that way.  What if when things were rough, they quit and said, 'That's it! I'm going home!' Things weren't always easy but they stayed and finished their missions right up to the end."

She didn't respond to my question but her expression showed that she understood. "Sweetheart," I continued, "We've been called on a mission just like your cousins. Heavenly Father has asked us to serve in this place and with these specific children. We can't quit. We've got to stay here doing this work as long as God needs us to. Not all the moments are bad. We've had lots of good moments with these kids too."
My words seemed to click with her and her expression was more hopeful.

There really is no turning back. We've got to keep moving forward!!

I pray these experiences will become quite beneficial for my children as they face any uncomfortable calling or difficult task in the future:  college, a full-time mission, marriage, or raising their own children. I pray these experiences will teach them to learn the virtue of perseverance forged through faith. If it is a mission that God has called us to (and I know it is), then we can keep moving forward in total confidence and trust.  Everything is going to work out and we'll be better for it.

-Alicia

No Turning Back

ABC - 123

Around 22 years ago I was given a special blessing that reminds me of my life's mission. In that blessing I was told that because of my Savior's sacrifice, I might "not only have life but [I'll] have it most abundantly".  This is a promise to all true followers of Christ! As I reflect on what the phrase means to "have life most abundantly" I think of what we are here on earth for: to learn.

Education is part of the abundant life, especially the education that shapes and molds our eternal destiny.  So, let's talk a little about ABC's and 123's... :)

Thomas S. Monson describes the abundant life as something to be sought after like a quest--through three applied principles:

"A is for Attitude--So much in life depends on our attitude. The way we choose to see things and respond to others makes all the difference. To do the best we can and then to choose to be happy about our circumstances, whatever they may be, can bring peace and contentment.

B is for Believe--in yourself, in those around you, and in eternal principles... Don’t limit yourself and don’t let others convince you that you are limited in what you can do. Believe in yourself and then live so as to reach your possibilities. You can achieve what you believe you can. Trust and believe and have faith.

C is for Courage--Have the determination to make the effort, the single-mindedness to work toward a worthy goal, and the courage not only to face the challenges that inevitably come but also to make a second effort, should such be required. 'Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.'(Mary Anne Radmacher)"

- President Thomas S. Monson

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin gave a talk called "The Abundant Life" and in it, he lists three things that describe where we find it:

One-- Living Water: "Fully understood and embraced, the gospel of Jesus Christ heals broken hearts, infuses meaning into lives, binds loved ones together with ties that transcend mortality, and brings to life a sublime joy."

Two-- Love: "Love is the essence of the gospel and the greatest of all the commandments. The Savior taught that every other commandment and prophetic teaching hangs upon it.(Matt. 22:40). The Apostle Paul wrote that 'all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.'(Gal. 5:14)"

Three-- Make a masterpiece: "The third quality of those who live abundant lives is that they, with the help of their Heavenly Father, create a masterpiece of their lives. No matter our age, circumstances, or abilities, each one of us can create something remarkable of his life. David saw himself as a shepherd, but the Lord saw him as a king of Israel."

-Joseph B. Wirthlin

There you have it, my friends. It really is that simple.  It really is that beautiful! This really is the life!! Bless you in your noble quest to further your education! Enter to learn and go forth to serve! I believe in you.

-Alicia

Waves of Grief and Loss

"Grief seems to create losses within us that reach beyond our awareness; 

We feel as if we're missing something that was invisible and unknown to us while we had it, but is now painfully gone."

- Brene' Brown (From the book Rising Strong p.146)

I think that's exactly what my husband is going through, a period of grief--a type of mourning. Our old life that has passed away--how our family used to be, everything that was comfortable and familiar--now feels strange and foreign when he arrives home from work: different faces, different voices, different smells, different behaviors, different conflicts.

For the first few days after our foster placement, I felt the same kind of grief, the same sense of loss for our old lifestyle... and it still surfaces every now and then but I think I've had more time to adjust than my husband.  For two weeks before these children were officially placed with us, they were coming to our house for around five hours every day and went back home shortly after Joseph returned from work... so he didn't get as much of a primer. And still, after the placement, he's at work most of the time while I'm here with them. My ratio of opportunities to adjust simply outnumber his.

Big changes have never been easy for Joseph--the loss of what once was.
I remember two big changes where he nearly called everything off because he was so terrified of the pending upheaval of his familiar routine: our wedding day and our move to Provo. In his own words he says, "I was so terrified, I wanted to tuck tail and run!" And running away, is exactly what he's felt like doing with our new life as foster parents. Admittedly, several days ago, I was right there with him. Sometimes we both ask, "What the 'H' have we gotten ourselves into?!"

There are two things that help us hold our ground though:
One--the miraculous events, timing, and connections that led us to where we are. We know we've been called of God on this mission...
And two--thinking of our foster children's lives and the intense need they have for a stable family, free from living on the streets, free from the scene of drugs, free from abuse.
Where else would they go without having to leave their school, their friends, and the people they've come to know through this ward?

I recognize that this transition is going to take time for both of us and it's likely going to take more time for Joseph, because he's not home as much. The biggest thing I worry about is him being too hard on himself. The other night he said discouragingly, "Alicia, I'm the one who initially introduced the idea of being foster parents but now I don't feel like I can't do this. I just can't do this. I don't feel close to these children at all." I reassured him that I often feel the same but I know we're going to make it!

I've discovered that our older foster child needs about an hour every evening to just talk with me. If I don't allow him that conversation time, he begins to act out in poor behavior and wake all the other kids. I'm grateful though because our conversations have helped forge some very needful bonds, even if they're not as strong as I'd like them to be.

For the past nine nights, during the new bed-time routine, Joseph has been so terribly uncomfortable that the only way for him to cope has been to keep his distance: emotionally and physically. He hunkers downstairs writing in his journal or chats with Chandler for two hours while I put the other five to bed. I recognize how prone he is to depression so I haven't said anything.  The miracle is that the Lord has blessed me with an added measure of peace and strength to help me shoulder this compassionately while Joseph works through his grief of losing our old life.

"I once heard a friend say that grief is like surfing. 
Sometimes you feel steady and you're able to ride the waves, 
and other times the surf comes crashing down on you, 
pushing you so far underwater that you're sure you'll drown."

- Brene' Brown (From the book Rising Strong p.147)

The crashing waves remind me of the familiar story of Peter when Christ beckoned for him to step out onto the water. I know it seems impossible. I know it is frightening and overwhelming at times but I know Who is calling us and I trust Him. I trust Him with all my heart.
We won't drown. He's got this!

-Alicia

Walk On the Water

"I Am In Your Midst" - Ponderize - Week 48

Like the rushing of a furious wind, rapid changes have been happening all around these past couple of months and I feel as if I'm being swept in a current beyond my control.  When I try to stop, it seems the wrenching force increases and I surrender again, facing the fact that I am bound to a destination I cannot see.

Fall Semester starts for me today.  I contemplated dropping my class because of all the dramatic changes we are going through at this time but I couldn't do it.  I feel very strongly that I need to take at least one class every fall and winter and that by the grace of God I'll make it through no matter the difficulty of my schedule or circumstances.

Here I am again at the crossroads... A distinct and noticeable ache presses on my heart.  All of my belongings are packed and I'm heading out into an unknown future.  In just a few short weeks I'll be living in a new home and a new ward.  Leaving the watchcare of our current bishop is undeniably difficult.  I'm forever grateful for his faith, his prayers, his testimony, his priesthood blessings, his leadership, and for the activities and events he has inspired in this area.  What a vision has taken place!  Our experiences here have been absolutely magical.  They've created a sublime level of unity I've never realized possible in a ward family.  Words cannot adequately express my gratitude for our bishop. One can't leave a place like this without a void being made, a recognizable hole.  The scar tissue will serve as a reminder of how much I miss what was once there.

Something is happening within this  newly-formed Freedom Stake, something miraculous.  There are many who feel it.  We are witnessing Zion being built, a very real and literal Zion.  It may be hard to believe but if one could experience a fraction of what I've tried to describe, they would know without a doubt for themselves that the hand of God is on this people.  As this heavenly gathering takes place, there will also be great dissensions.  I pray our roots will be strong and deep in fertile soil.

These changes taking place are Divinely appointed, of that I'm sure.  We cannot see the future, we are not meant to see it... for our faith must be strengthened, our faith must be fortified, and our faith must be exercised if we are to have it become unshaken. Time will move swiftly and it is essential that our priorities stay in order: Faith and family first.

I am confident that once we move into our new home, we will receive the permanent placements of foster children.  Excitement and fear both prod my mind as I contemplate this prospect.
Excitement: To care for these children who desperately need a family, these refugees who need someone to love them unconditionally and to know that they belong somewhere.
And Fear: For all the dynamics involved in becoming the mother of someone else's children seemingly overnight, to be committed to loving them and caring for them as if they are my own. While at the same time, I must remain ever mindful of my own children and monitor carefully the anxieties and stresses they will inevitably be under living with new siblings complete with habits and mannerisms absolutely foreign to them.

I searched through my scriptures this morning, seeking to find one that I could ponder for the week -from the Psalms of David, to the Acts of the Apostles, to verses in the Book of Mormon, and so on.
I finally settled with this one in Doctrine and Covenants:

"Behold, verily, verily, I say unto you that mine eyes are upon you. I am in your midst and ye cannot see me;  But the day soon cometh that ye shall see me, and know that I am; for the veil of darkness shall soon be rent, and he that is not purified shall not abide the day. Wherefore, gird up your loins and be prepared. Behold, the kingdom is yours, and the enemy shall not overcome." 

- D&C 38:7-9

I don't know what the future holds, but I know Who holds the future.  He is in our midst and I trust this.

-Alicia

In Our Wilderness

23 more days until our last one living here and we have to be out.  We still don't know where we're moving to.  We looked at a home that is very close in our neighborhood and were excited for all the possibilities.  It had 5 bedrooms + a two bedroom mother-in-law apartment we could rent out to help with our mortgage payments.

Joseph and I went to the temple early morning yesterday before we made an offer and both felt very strongly that we needed to contact a couple of people.  We called our two friends and they both spent over a couple hours with us at the house.  My friend, Shelley, is going to be our agent and she made a lot of phone calls to the city while we were touring the place for the second and third time.  She discovered that the mother-in-law apartment the people had there is totally illegal and that the whole thing has been in open investigation for some time... Instead of it being an asset it would have been a huge liability.  Our friend, Ben, who is very experienced with home building, was able to show us other warning signs our untrained eyes couldn't see before.  It really was a blessing and we know the Lord was looking out for us by giving us inspiration to call these two.

It looks like we might have to live out of a storage unit for a while.  My friend, Shelley, graciously offered her RV and we may just take her up on that.  Who knows... turn this into a little "vacation".  It will be an adventure for sure!!

 I'm so thankful for the comforting words of the scriptures as we journey into "our wilderness". My husband's best friend keeps telling our family that he really feels God will "part the Red Sea" for us. Even though, we don't know where "our promised land" will be. The Israelites wandered for 40 years. I can be grateful in knowing it won't take us that long to "find the place which God for us prepared". Like Moses and Lehi in the wilderness; I truly believe in miracles and marvelous manifestations of God. I know without a shadow of doubt that His hand is in the very details of our lives and as we seek Him, He will lead us right. I know it!

"Never be weary of good works... be meek and lowly in heart; for such shall find rest to their souls... Learn wisdom... Keep the Commandments... Cry unto God for all thy support; yea, let all thy doings be unto the Lord, and withersoever thou goest let it be in the Lord... Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and He will direct thee for good... Let thy heart be full of thanks unto God. And behold, [the Liahona] was prepared to show unto our fathers the course which they should travel in the wilderness. And it did work for them according to their faith in God; therefore, if they had faith to believe that God could cause that those spindles should point the way they should go behold, it was done; therefore they had this miracle, and many other miracles wrought by the power of God, day by day." - Alma 37:34-40

"We were moving mountains long before we knew we could... 

There can be miracles when you believe."

-Alicia

Not letting go!

I can't sleep. Normally, sleep is never an issue for me.  I must be having such a hard time with this move.  I so desperately do not want to leave this place that I love so very, very much!

We've decided that we don't want to rent anymore, we just want our own home.  If we do rent again, it could only be for a very short time, a month-to-month, because we are anxious to have a permanent place for our foster children.  Any kind of move would mean they would be absorbed back into the hands of others in the foster community until we had a home that has been officially evaluated and meets State regulations for being foster ready. (A process which can take several weeks maybe months.) We've decided that foster care will have to be on hold until we find a permanent place to avoid any additional disruption in these children's lives.  But foster kids or not, it's just a massive hassle to move from here to a temporary location, only to move again.

My husband and I have lived five other places since we were first married... it's been so nice to stay here as long as we have.  If it weren't for the struggles we've had with our landlady, we could live here forever.

Saturday evening we spent a lot of time searching online for homes, condos, or town-homes (anything a little larger than what we have here).  We won't give up the search but it seems that nothing large enough for our family is under $200K in our ward. We had a special fast as a family yesterday, even our friends, the Wilsons, fasted together for us. My friend, Carol, called me and advised me to stay close to the Spirit and to not narrow my options to just this ward or Stake but to seek first where the Lord would have us be.  She is a wise woman and I'm so glad for the day I miraculously met her.  We will have no problems staying in close touch.

Yesterday in church, we had so many friends offer to help us and I kept feeling this mixture of gratitude, joy, pain, sorrow, and loss.  One moment I'd be smiling and the next I'd have tears streaming down my face.

I want to do all I can to stay connected to this place I call home.  The visits may be fewer and farther between but I could never leave this beautiful place completely: No, not after what I've experienced and not after the dreams I've had.   To disconnect completely would be too much for my soul to bear.  This will be tough no matter what but I can see myself dancing my way through it. ;) I pray there will be lots of dances.  This place I call home has changed my life, my whole world, everything!!  It cannot be forgotten.  It has "awakened me out of a deep sleep".  It helped me remember my mission, my dreams, and all I want to become.  I am forever grateful!

I will continue on with BYU: I will not let go and I'll continue to reach for my dream that I've had for so many years of being an inspiring writer and speaker.  Down the road, I can envision myself taking my words and using them as a tool to be a powerful advocate, a voice for the importance of the family, especially for children, for foster children, and defender of the sanctity of life.  I am confident that my experiences in the future with both formal education and fostering will help to make my voice heard loud and clear in the courthouses, in the schools, and in the communities.  There are many good things to come.
Just watch and see....
I'm gonna Carpe this Diem!!!

-Alicia :)

.

"Today and Tomorrow"- Ponderize - Week 41

Kaylee turns eight today.  However old she is marks how long we've lived here.  I had her two weeks after moving into this wonderful little apartment.  Last night, she couldn't fall asleep because she was so excited to celebrate her special day.  I laid in bed with her and scratched her back for a few minutes.  Every time she saw daddy pass by in the hall she'd call out "Good night, I love you."  (She must have said it 10 times and was obviously not tired at all.)  Then she turned to me and asked, "Will you have my birthday sign in the window before I wake up?"
"Of course I will." I responded.
Little did I know how early that would be.

Before my alarm this morning, she crawled into my bed and I wondered how much rest she had gotten through the few hours of the night.  It's cute that she's so excited.  I let her take my place sleeping next to daddy and got up to pray and study.  An hour later she came out asking for pancakes.  I said I'd be happy to make her some and asked if I could just finish up with some of my studies first.  She complied, grabbed a blanket, and sat on the couch to wait... and then zonked out seconds later.   

She loves her birthday for lots of reasons but one is because it's free Slurpee day at 7-11.  For Kaylee, all of the 7-11's everywhere are celebrating the day she was born!  

Tonight, we are having a very special Family Home Evening on baptism to prepare her for another wonderful day in a few weeks when she enters into a covenant with God to love and to be a witness of the Savior all her life.  My parents are coming down for dinner and FHE tonight.  (Joseph's parents came last night to bring birthday wishes.)

There's plenty to do today.... but before everything kicks into full gear, I need to share the scripture I've chosen to ponder for the week:

Make the day beautiful, my friends!

"I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:38, 39

"To love abundantly is to live abundantly, and to love forever is to live forever.  Hence, eternal life is inextricably bound up with love.  We want to live forever for the same reason that we want to live tomorrow.  Why do we want to live tomorrow?  It is because there is some one who loves you, and who you want to see tomorrow, and be with, and love back?  There is no other reason why we should live on that we love and are beloved." - Henry Drummond

-Alicia

Ground Control to Major Tom

 "I wanted to tell you, that song 'Major Tom'... 

That song is about courage and going into the unknown. It's a cool song." 

- Cheryl Melhoff

I love the movie Walter Mitty with Ben Stiller.  There's something so familiar to me about how Cheryl's influence transforms Walter.  She awakens him to everything his soul has ever wanted to be.  Because of her confidence in him, his heart burns with a new-found courage to step out into the unknown, run after his dreams and jump with both feet into a world of endless possibilities.

There are so many changes ahead, we really don't know what to expect but we're determined to be ready for whatever comes our way!

We just purchased this new van...  and guess what I've named him??
It's going to take a couple of months for the specialized license plate to be made but I'm super excited.

It's a twelve-seater.  It will be perfect for when we get our two foster children with plenty of room to spare.  It was $20,000 with only 7,000 miles! We took it to two different mechanics before we purchased and they both said the engine was brand-spankin' new!  We feel very fortunate to have found it.  We were very prayerful and spent a lot of time searching and waiting for the right vehicle.  One of the selling points for us was to buy something that would not only bless our family in need but would aslo be a tool for serving and helping others.  I know it will be.

I really like the name, "Major Tom".  It makes me think of the movie, Mitty, and the power of Cheryl's influence.  Plus, it kinda looks like a space shuttle (if you squint).

"Commencing countdown, 

Engines on

Check ignition 

And may God's love be with you"

-Alicia

Reaching for the Stars!

"Oh, The Places We'll Go"

“You won't lag behind,
because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang
and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly,
you'll be best of the best.
Wherever you go,
you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't.
Because, sometimes, you won't.”
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You'll Go!

Through all of our foster training we've been able to get more of an idea of what we're up against and what will be required of us as individuals and as a family. This is not a small task and it will require all our diligence, all our patience, all our strength, all our energy, and all our love.   I admit that it's kind of frightening.  We don't feel cut out for it and it seems that's exactly what the Adversary wants us to keep feeling: doubt, discouragement, fear, insecurity.

On top of this... It seems that in these last few days all hell has combined to stir up contention among our children.  They have been at each other's throats and my husband and I have been beside ourselves in knowing how to calm them.  It's been discouraging because circumstances like these cause us both to question our ability to handle the additional stresses that will come with foster parenting.  Maybe our children are feeling nervous about the adjustments that will come with this brand new life too and they've just had trouble identifying and expressing such fears?  I don't blame them.  This is huge!!

“And when you're alone there's a very good chance

you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants

There are some, down the road between hither and yon,

that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.” 

― Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You'll Go!

The specific trials that lie ahead are unknown to us and it doesn't do any good speculating how we will handle them.  The truth is, we are sure in our decision and we're not backing down, no matter how much the adversary tries to thwart our resolve.  After our family prayer this morning, we discussed how clearly our mission to foster children unfolded before us and we both bore testimony without any doubt that it's what we need to do despite all the opposition.

In my personal scripture study, I just finished reading about the story of the Jaredites.  They embarked on an unknown journey to a place they'd never been before, launching into the vast and open sea, "commending themselves unto the Lord their God" (Ether 6:4) They faced opposing forces on every hand and it took an immense amount of faith... but look at where it led them... to the promised land!

I like how Moroni inserts his testimony in this record, "Faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith." (Ether 12:6)

Our faith will certainly be on trial... It will be tried and tested in ways we can't comprehend but it will bring about great things! We are confident of that even though "We don't feel ready, We don't feel steady, [and we] Question all we really have to give..."

The truth still remains the same...

"A little somethin' Might feel like nothin' But in His hands it's all we'll ever need
To speak life to the broken Watch the blind eyes open
It's who He's calling you and me To be
It's time to get our hands dirty
Be love... there's a whole lot of hurting
Calling all hearts Calling all hands Calling all feet to take a stand
Why sit around and wait for a miracle to come
when we can be one"
- Natalie Grant - Be One - 

It will all work out.  We're going to give it our very best.  The Lord is guiding our journey... and... Oh, the places we'll go!!

"[We]'re off to Great Places!

Today is [our] day!

Our mountain is waiting.

So...[we're] on [our] way!” 

― Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You'll Go!

-Alicia :)
The Future is as Bright as Your Faith - President Thomas S. Monson
To The Rescue
I Was a Stranger

"They Shall Be Granted" - Ponderize- Week 34

Searching for a scripture to ponder through the week, I found several... but this is the one my heart is really gravitating to at this time.

"My friends, fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks;  Waiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth, and are recorded with this seal and testament - the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted.  Therefore, He giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name's glory saith the Lord." - D&C 98:1-3

I looked back through old posts and realized I've shared parts of this scripture a couple of times on my blogs already.  (I had forgotten that.)  I suppose a little repetition doesn't hurt me though.

I can't think of any greater comfort than knowing that my prayers are heard and that every pure and righteous desire will be granted... no matter how much further down the road that may be.  I also appreciate the part about giving thanks all along the way.

-Alicia

A Preparatory Temple

I had the opportunity of attending both the 9:00 and the 3:00 dedication services of the Provo City Center Temple in March.  I took a notebook with me to write down my thoughts and impressions from all who spoke.

The talk that struck me the most during the 9:00 session was Elder Oaks.  He began his address referring to another Temple in our church history that had risen from the ashes, the Nauvoo Temple.  He spoke of it as being a preparatory temple for those pioneer saints to face the difficult journey ahead of them.  It had just been completed when the persecution against the Church grew so intense that they were forced to leave their beautiful Nauvoo.

In his talk Elder Oaks likened the Provo City Center to the Nauvoo Temple saying that it would also be a preparatory temple for the struggles we would face in these last days.  In order to press through the hardships and trials of our day, he encouraged us to re-dedicate our lives to the building of Zion.  He testified of the ability to access heavenly power by doing temple work for our ancestors and also learning their stories.

Along this principle of building up the kingdom of God and establishing Zion in such a contentious day and age, Elder Oaks quoted from Abraham Lincoln's first inaugural address, "Though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield and patriot grave to every living heart and hearthstone all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature." (I especially loved that Elder Oaks quoted this because it was something I had just written about 2-and-a-half weeks prior to the dedication.)

He emphasized that this "union" would be bound by the "mystic chords of memory" the stories of our loved ones, our ancestors, those in our family who have passed away.  He promised that as we learn and share their stories of faith, their personal testimonies, their struggles, and their triumphs, we will be "touched... by the better angels of our nature."  This very simple act of turning and connecting to the faith our forefathers and foremothers will not only soften our hearts and help us connect, instill unity, and increase our affection for one another in our family... but also in our community.

This past year, I have studied the life and stories of my 3rd great grandfather, William Wall (on my dad's side) and my great aunt Sylvia (on my mom's side).  Their stories of faith have astonished me.  I had no idea the kinds of things they had to persevere and press through.  They were every bit as brave and valiant as the prophets of old.  A great spirit of reverence and respect has instilled upon my heart for these ancestors of mine.  Even more wonderful, is that through reading their records I have felt their presence very clearly in my life...
I have felt the presence of angels... Something I think we are ALL going to need... for what lies ahead. (2 Kings 6:16)

-Alicia

Something Out of Nothing

After experiencing the presence of God and then being left to himself, Moses realized that "man is nothing." - Moses 1:9-10
Other great prophets recognized this truth;
Mormon said, "O how great is the nothingness of the children of men." - Helaman 12:7
King Benjamin counseled, " I would that ye should remember, and always retain in remembrance, the greatness of God, and your own nothingness" - Mosiah 4:11

So when I say that I am nothing, I'm not trying to put myself down... I'm just stating a simple fact.  Paul taught that the only thing that can transform me into something is charity, the pure love of Christ.  In 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 He says that even if I can speak a ton of languages including the language of angels, even if I had so many gifts and talents or had the faith to move mountains, even if I gave myself as a martyr, I'd still be nothing if I didn't have God's love.

Just a little over seven years ago, when our little family was facing a great financial deficit, I went to the temple in the spirit of fasting and prayer.  There I saw myself on a hillside among the 5,000 people whom Christ fed with just a couple fish and a few loaves of bread.  When the basket got to me, I began to argue, "There isn't enough here for us.... if I do the math, there just isn't enough!  It's so obvious."  Then I imagined the One holding the basket out to me was the Savior, Himself.  I looked in His eyes and was silent as He spoke, "How much do you trust Me, Alicia?  Stop doing the math.  Where is your faith?"  I couldn't argue with that.  I knew that financially, we would be fine and to plan for miracles.

Often times, I re-visit that hillside in prayer and envision myself face-to-face with the Lord again.  Only this time, not in a financial deficit but in a very real spiritual, physical, emotional, and intellectual one; So many areas I'm missing, so many qualities I'm lacking.  And I ask Him about my life's mission, "Why me?  I just don't add up!  It's so painfully obvious I'm not qualified for this... I'm not ready for that.  To think I could make any kind of difference is almost laughable.  I am nothing."  Lovingly and sternly, He gives me the same answer, "How much do you trust me, Alicia?  Stop doing the math. Where is your faith?"

I heard this song for the first time just a couple of days ago and the lyrics were perfect for the encouragement I needed.  "You take all kinds of nothing, turn it right into something... You take every doubt and you make something out of me."  If man is nothing and God's work and His glory is to bring to pass their immortality and eternal life of man. (Moses 1:39)... Then it must mean that not only can He make something out of nothing... this is His specialty!!  He does it all the time!  What He is able to do through and with me is far more miraculous that what He can do with bread and fish.  How much do I trust Him?

Because of a merciful, loving and all-knowing Father in Heaven, I echo Ammon's testimony, "I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things." - Alma 26:12

-Alicia

"Something Out Of Me"

by, Nichole Nordeman

Just You and me on a hillside

And 4,999

If You could see on the inside

What I brought, what I need, how I’m caught in between....

...You take all kinds of nothing

Turn it right in to something

I see impossible, but You see a basket full of

A little bit of this sounds crazy

A little bit of just maybe

You take every doubt and

You make something out of me"

Instrumental Lives

When Alma was reunited with the sons of Mosiah after 14 years of missionary service, he “did rejoice exceedingly to see his brethren; and what added more to his joy, they were still his brethren in the Lord. (Alma 17:2)”

 I love Alma Chapter 17! I love the description of this brotherhood, of these missionaries who were united in heart, mind, and purpose.  It reminds me of the new BYU President, Kevin J. Worthen's, talk that he gave in January this year on friendship. He said, "Heaven is other people. Heaven will be heaven because of the other people who will be there. And experiencing heaven on earth will ultimately depend, to a large degree, on the quality of our relationships with others."

This morning, after my scripture study, I found a great talk by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin entitled, Valued Companions.  It too confirmed these same principles.

Ultimately... "Of course, our best friends are those with whom we live as members of our family. Loving parents, brothers and sisters, children, and the extended family help to shape our destiny. " - Joseph B. Wirthlin

"It's like a symphony

Just keep listening

And pretty soon you'll start

To figure out your part

Everyone plays a piece

And there are melodies

In each one of us

Oh it's glorious"

-David Archuleta

-Alicia

Keep Believing

Three days out of the week I have the privilege of walking from my home up to BYU's campus to attend my American Heritage class.  As I walk the seven blocks to the bottom of the hill and pass the rows of apartments and houses, one by one students will emerge from the various doorways and head north on the parallel streets.  At first it seems like there is only four, maybe five of us in view but then as the bottom of the hill draws nearer, the number is closer to fifteen or twenty students coming from all directions.  I commence my way on the steep path, the buildings from campus rise into sight there is now one long stream of students filling the walkway in front of me and behind me, forty or fifty.  When I reach the crest of the hill and pass through the first row of buildings, suddenly I'm in a sea of thousands of students. It's glorious!  Each day I experience this,  I think of a story I heard from a devotional and how the vision of one young man helped turn the tide of despair and restore the hope of the BYU dream.

By 1913, a new wave of financial problems was threatening the university’s future. BYU faced mounting debt. Faculty salaries were so low the teachers ran farms to survive, returning home to irrigate between classes. Its cornerstone laid in 1907, the Maeser Memorial Building sat silent and unfinished for years. Finally, it seemed, the only way to finance its completion was to divide the land on Temple Hill into housing lots and sell them. A student named Alfred Kelly was selected to promote this idea during a commencement speech, but the assignment troubled him. Early one morning he walked to the top of Temple Hill to pray. What he saw that morning as he looked out across the valley left an unforgettable impression upon all who heard him relate it the day of his address, because what Kelly saw was you.

“Gradually the morning light advanced across the valley floor toward the spot where I stood. I closed my eyes partially to the advancing light and was startled by the strange vision that seemed to appear before me. The advancing sunlight took on the appearance of people, thousands of young people who approached me, their arms laden with books. I turned around to find the area behind me illuminated as well. In that light I saw hundreds of buildings, large and beautiful temples of learning. Those young people passed by me and entered in. Then, with cheerfulness and confidence, they turned toward the east and lifted their eyes heavenward, where, again becoming part of the sunlight, they gradually disappeared from my view.”

Kelly sat down to a stunned silence. Suddenly Jesse Knight leaped to his feet, pledging several thousand dollars to BYU. Others followed suit. Eventually, under the direction of President Joseph F. Smith, the Church assumed the school’s remaining debt. Finally, the future of the university had become secure.

The Lord evidently had a plan for the ground the campus now occupies—as He always had for BYU. He would not let even its leaders prevent its divine destiny. Such divine intervention on the things that matter most to the Lord is a comfort to me, knowing He can intervene to correct my lapses in judgment or vision. - (A House of Dreams - John S. Tanner)

What young Alfred Kelly experienced that morning was nothing short of prophecy.  It gave the people something to hold on to, to believe in when everything in the moment seemed hopelessly lost.

In this devotional Brother Tanner also tells of a vision Karl G. Maeser had that too was prophetic.  It came just after his darkest moment when he was ready to quit the cause:

Maeser said,  “I am worn out and sick in spirit, . . . and with all my love for this Academy, I feel that I owe it to my very life, which is needlessly wearing itself out here in an apparently hopeless task, to accept any change that will promise me opportunities for permanent usefulness.”  He contemplated moving his family and taking a job at the University of Deseret (which is now University of Utah).  His daughter one day asked when the move would take place and he responded,  “I have changed my mind. I have had a dream—I have seen Temple Hill filled with buildings—great temples of learning, and I have decided to remain and do my part.”**

Maybe I'm a dreamer... but when the clouds of gloom hang drearily over our heads and it feels as if the end of struggle is nowhere in sight, when we are worn and beaten down from the tasks that surround us, we can learn from these stories of the past and remember that it's always darkest just before the dawn.  God sees the bigger picture of our lives.... and I promise it is full of glory, purpose, and Divine mission.

With that... here's my song for the day. Keep Believing by, Ryan Shupe

-Alicia

**Excerpt from DVD Passport to Destiny; taken from Wilkinson and Skousen, School of Destiny, 84–85; emphasis in original.

Humble, Submissive, and Gentle - Ponderize - Week 17

My nephew, Bryson, is currently serving a mission in Mexico.  In yesterday's letter he bore witness of the validity of personal revelation, of going to the Lord in fervent prayer and then turning to the scriptures for answers.  I greatly appreciated his testimony.  This is the method I have used through my life again and again.  I cannot even begin to number how many times I have had "custom-fit" verses jump off the pages at me.... just too many coincidences to be a coincidence.

My nephew's testimony came at a good time because I've spent a lot of moments reflecting recently on my own personal revelations.  I wonder if any of the men or women in the scriptures ever felt lonely with the answers they received.  

Did Mary ponder in her heart because she knew no one would believe her or maybe because she had a hard time even believing herself?  

How much did Abraham share with Sariah or even Isaac about the revelations he received?  

After Joseph Smith shared his experiences, people said he was crazy.

Were things so unbelievable that they had moments themselves where they too questioned their own sanity?

Joseph Smith learned to trust his initial revelations enough to move ahead even if he wasn't sure exactly what that looked like for him in the future: "to continue as [he] was until further directed. [He] had found the testimony of James to be true—that a man who lacked wisdom might ask of God, and obtain, and not be upbraided." - JSH 1:26

Alma had been given a very specific mission in his life.  He followed that instruction knowing "that the Lord God hath power to do all things which are according to his word."(Alma 7:8)

 Yet Alma was painfully and sorely rejected in ways I cannot imagine.  In fact it was so difficult that he said, "I was about to set my back towards this land forever"  but he didn't give up, why? Because he understood revelation and knew without a doubt it was from God.  He testified, " I have been commanded that I should turn again and prophesy unto this people." - Alma 8:24,25

I like what Joseph said, "to continue as I was until further directed."  

I feel that way sometimes.  

I don't have all the answers.  I only have been given instruction up to this point and it doesn't go any further into the distant steps.  I will trust that it will be unfolded "line upon line,... here a little and there a little"

I share some of the answers I've been given here but ponder most of it in my heart because it is the only safe place to keep them.  I know the Lord searches there. It is between Him and me for now.

My scripture to ponderize for the week is this:

"And now [Alicia] I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of god at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive." - Alma 7:23

-Alicia

"As Often As Thou Inquired" - Ponderize - Week 16

I'm a little late in posting my Ponderize scripture again but trust me, I've been thinking of this one since Sunday.  Sometimes through prayer and fasting, the Lord gives you certain verses that apply so perfectly to your life and mission.  The verses become treasures in your heart and you draw upon them again and again.  The entire section of D&C 6 has become quite meaningful to me for several months now because it came after "much fasting and prayer" at just the right moment in my life.

This whole week I've been thinking of these verses:

"Verily, verily, I say unto thee, blessed art thou for what thou hast done; for thou hast inquired of me, and behold, as often as thou hast inquired thou hast received instruction of my Spirit.  If it had not been so, thou wouldst not have come to the place where thou art at this time.... I say unto you , if you desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might know concerning the truth of these things.  Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter?  What greater witness can you have than from God?" - D&C 6: 15, 22-23

-Alicia