Support

My heart is filled with gratitude for the foster care support page. Yesterday, a flood of people sent me messages of encouragement, people who have also made the difficult decision to remove a child from their home. What a blessing to me their words have been!!

"You have to do what's right for your family and for those kids. Sometimes your home just isn't the best fit or maybe it's just not the right time. I know it hurts. And it's okay. Hurting shows that you love them and tried. I have seen families request a removal and get placements later down the road that were a much better fit. It's okay. You will get through this."

"Yes we have had placements moved. This is super hard. Not all placements fit in our families. Cry it out and move on. You will be ok. They next one could fit better. Good luck! (((HUGS)))"

"Non-fostering friends don't get it and that's because they aren't in the trenches like other foster parents. Other foster parents are your tribe, we get it, we know what it's like, and we know it's not a heartless decision."

 "In the end you have to do what is right for your family. The most experienced foster parents will tell you that we have all been in this same position at some point in time with our experience. You have to decide if this is best for your family, without allowing outside people to influence this, because at the end of the day you have to be okay with your decision. There is no shame in saying this is not a good fit."

 "I felt the same way when we asked to have a placement move, it ended up being a must for us due to safety concerns and we were torn and worried that dcfs would hold it against us! It ended up being far better for the child the home he went to was a much better fit and we have a placement now that fits us better!
It's hard but you will be ok!"

 "I am so sorry you are going through this! All I can say is ditto to everyone else. I am on our first placement so I don't have near the experience as others on here but my kids are a sibling group that is broken up. I have the 2 youngest and the 3 oldest were together. The very oldest was really struggling and so was his foster mom. Their personalities just didn't work together. He ended up being placed in a proctor home. It started really rough but the neighborhood has taken this kid in with open arms and he is thriving far and above what the whole team expected. I know the other foster mom really struggled with guilt at first, but honestly it just wasn't a good fit and this new place is. So, try not to feel guilty and do what you need to for you and your family."

"Stay strong and know that you are making a difference, even caring for them until a better fit is found. Some placements really are just harder than others."

"It's hard. We love the foster kids we asked to have moved, and we're pretty sure they love us too, so it was a difficult heart-wrenching decision to make. Once the decision was made we did feel some peace with it. And of course some regrets and second-guessing, too... we're sad if we hear things aren't going well for them in the new placement, but we just have to trust the Lord that he will put them in the place they need to be (we don't have to trust DCFS for that, they can't see the future)." 

"After having done this over 10 years I have learned a few things, with that said. It is never easy to move a child from your home, you will will feel sadness, failure, and honestly a bit of relief. You will have forgotten what a non stressful home feels like. You will cry and grieve that this child was moved and go thru lots of the what if's.....BUT will you be placed again with another child? YES!!! We have to remember this isn't about us this is about finding the right fit for the child to grow and develop and hopefully return home. If that isn't the case then you want the child to be adopted into a home where they fit and belong. There are 100's of foster homes and each child does different in each home, we all have strengths and weaknesses and sometime we don't know our weaknesses till we take that child who brings them out. You and your family have done amazing things for these children but when it isn't a good fit you just cant make the square fit into the round circle no matter how hard you try. With each placement you learn something new about yourself, your family what you can and can't handle. I believe any time a child is moved or goes home it is a great idea to re connect with your family and take a look at what worked what didn't work. Taking time to re energize your family is ok to do as well. Huge hug as this is a hard decision but do what is best for the children in your home and your family."

"About your​ pain of asking for removal, we get it! We've got you! Our kids needed so much more support and services than we were able to get (beg) for them, and once the 9yr old truly snapped I finally faced the fact that she couldn't be happy with us. We had taught her enough coping skills for so many facets of her life and then suddenly she began abusing me physically, which devolved into my 11 bio kid self harming to cope with the stress. I had to start protecting myself and my family from her and her out-of-controlness...which doesn't create a loving environment. She'd given signs and symptoms for so long, and I found myself trying harder and harder to be what she needed until we broke. Sometimes failures are more valuable than success, because it lays bare the true extent of the need and proves to DCFS the Foster children need more than they're getting."

All So Real

My husband and I went to see the movie Lion Saturday night.  Nominated for a Golden Globe award, it's a movie about a boy named Saroo adopted from India by an Australian couple, John and Sue Brierley.

Now since we aren't adoptive parents, we are only fostering right now, there are some big differences, but this movie was much more impactful to us than it would have if we weren't in our current situation.

Being foster parents, Joseph and I have discovered hardships we never even dreamed of. When you bring these children into your home, you adopt all their trauma...and their entire past becomes part of your life. There is no escaping it.

 Saroo was a beautiful experience for John and Sue.  From the moment they brought him home, he was obedient and good-natured. They both bond very quickly with Saroo. But everything changes for the Brierley's when they decide two years later to adopt another boy, Mantosh, from India .

The scene where they bring Mantosh home and introduce him to Saroo has a completely different tone. Mantosh has frequent violent emotional melt-downs, screaming, flailing, and smacking himself. This realization is horrifying to Sue and John. This kind of trauma was not what they expected, especially after their first adoption seemed to be such a happy placement. Sue struggles to remain her natural cheery self. The energy required to care for Mantosh is an exhausting battle day after day that almost drains the life out of her.

Watching this scene filled me with emotion.  I turned to my husband who related instantly too. He looked at me and lovingly squeezed my hand. Tears rolled down my face and I whispered to him, "It's so real. I get this, Joseph. I totally get her pain."
"I know you do." He said, squeezing my hand tighter, "I know."

When Saroo grows older, memories from his past begin to haunt him and he can't let it go until he gets the questions plaguing his mind answered. His emotional state deteriorates in the journey, worrying his adoptive parents greatly.  He apologizes deeply to Sue, "I'm sorry... but you've adopted my past."

Oh, the lives of these children! So few realize the horrors they have experienced, how it plays out and affects everyone in their lives in so many varied ways.  So few realize the energy it takes to help them heal from it all. But someone has to help them heal!

This movie, based on a true story, does an excellent job of creating new insights about adoption... yet, it's still a movie: There's only so much that can be fit into the film, only so much that can be told.  There is so much more behind the scenes and between the lines.

Still though, if you haven't seen Lion -- go!

-Alicia

Make Us One

I had the opportunity to sing in the choir for Stake Conference over the weekend. There's one song that was my favorite, especially as we watch these miraculous changes that have taken place to create our new Stake. 

Over these last few days I've found myself singing parts of this song quietly to myself, probably because it seems to echo the heartfelt cries of my own prayers, "teach me compassion: cast my fear aside". I'm thankful for the language of music. I have needed it more than ever these past few days. The Lord knows it is my love language.

-Alicia

Make Us One

by, Sally DeFord

How shall we stand amid uncertainty?

Where is our comfort in travail?

How shall we walk amid infirmity,

When feeble limbs are worn and frail?

And as we pass through mortal sorrow,

How shall our hearts abide the day?

Where is the strength the soul may borrow?

Teach us thy way.

Make us one, that our burdens may be light

Make us one as we seek eternal life

Unite our hands to serve thy children well

Unite us in obedience to thy will.

Make us one! teach us, Lord, to be

Of one faith, of one heart

One in thee.

Then shall our souls be filled with charity,

Then shall all hate and anger cease

And though we strive amid adversity,

Yet shall we find thy perfect peace

So shall we stand despite our weakness,

So shall our strength be strength enough

We bring our hearts to thee in meekness;

Lord, wilt thou bind them in thy love?

Take from me this heart of stone,

And make it flesh even as thine own

Take from me unfeeling pride;

Teach me compassion; cast my fear aside.

Give us one heart, give us one mind

Lord, make us thine

Oh, make us thine!

Welcome To My House

We did respite foster care again this past weekend for the span of four days.  This is the only foster care we can really do until we get settled in our home and receive our own placements.  It's been a great opportunity to experience different ages and personalities.  This last weekend was the very first I've had to supervise a bio-parent visit.  It was just over the phone so I didn't have to take our "bonus kid" anywhere to meet up.  He has regular phone calls with them every other night, so we got to supervise twice.  It was very touching because every visit concludes with him singing along with his mom and dad two songs, Down in the Valley and You Are My Sunshine.
I cleaned the kitchen as I listened in:

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray.  You'll never know dear how much I love you.  Please don't take my [sunshine] away!

The other night dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms.  When I awakened I was mistaken and I hung my head and cried.  You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.  You make me happy when skies are gray.  You'll never know dear how much I love you.  Please don't take my [sunshine] away!"

Instead of singing please don't take my "sunshine" the father replaced it with the name of his son.  In that context, I could see that even though his parents still struggle with drug addiction, they love their son and they are deeply afraid of losing him.  "Please don't take him away" was their plea.  My heart broke for them and I had to hide my face from the boy so he couldn't see the tears welling up in my eyes. Wow, what a bitter-sweet scene to witness!

We can't really ask many questions about these kids and their backgrounds.  Most of them are uncomfortable talking about it anyway but in our foster training we are also discouraged from digging or prying because we aren't certified therapists. I must be careful with social media too. I cannot post pictures of these children or write their names anywhere in order to keep their location protected.

This boy we watched was very sweet.  You could tell his speech was underdeveloped, possibly from neglect during his most impressionable years.  He was only removed just a few months ago, so everything is still very fresh with him.

He loves skateboarding, dancing, and singing.  One evening, he kept requesting Kidz Bop "Welcome To My House" and would bust out in some awesome break-dance moves. It was adorable!!  I couldn't help but wonder if his interest in music and dancing was therapeutic for him.

He attended my daughter's baptism on Saturday and also joined our family for Sunday services.  I was so proud of him because both times, he behaved like a little gentleman.  Part way through the meeting, he leaned over and asked if I would scratch his back.  I was surprised by his request because in training we learned that most kids his age will avoid affection as a result of attachment issues... nevertheless, he cuddled-up to me like a contented little kitten.

Sunday evening, he shared with me some pictures he painted on his tablet.  We talked about his favorite colors as he swiped quickly through the various images in his folder.  Then he paused at this image of a flower with five pedals and a drifting bud near its side.  Pointing at the small blossom he said, "That's me, removed from my family." I appreciated his expression through his art.
"So let me guess, the big flower is your mom, dad, and three older siblings?"
"Yes" he replied.
The background to the flowers were painted black so no-one could see that the flowers were attached.
I asked him to switch the background to white.  When he did, the stem and how the blossom came together became visible.
"Is this how you want it to be?"  I asked.

"Yes" he responded shyly.
I didn't know what to say.  I didn't want to give him false hope but I said I would pray that one day he could be with his family again.  I assured him that it wasn't his fault that he was separated and praised him for being such a good kid.

The biological bond is not easily broken for a reason.  It seems to be a need innate within every human soul.  My experiences have caused me great reflection on the importance of The Family Proclamation.

To aim for a society that upholds the traditional family, that seeks to strengthen marriage between a man and a woman, that seeks earnestly to provide environments where children can be brought up by their own mother and their own father committed to each other is essential to the mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical well-being of individuals which ripples out into the well-being of society as a whole.  I realize it isn't always possible but it should always be sought for.  Biology is not bigotry.

As these foster children come into my home, I will do all I can to make them feel loved and welcomed.  I want to help them in every possible way... but I won't be able to give them what they  ALL desire more than anything else; a strong stable family with their biological mother and their biological father.

-Alicia

"They Shall Be Granted" - Ponderize- Week 34

Searching for a scripture to ponder through the week, I found several... but this is the one my heart is really gravitating to at this time.

"My friends, fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks;  Waiting patiently on the Lord, for your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord of Sabaoth, and are recorded with this seal and testament - the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted.  Therefore, He giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name's glory saith the Lord." - D&C 98:1-3

I looked back through old posts and realized I've shared parts of this scripture a couple of times on my blogs already.  (I had forgotten that.)  I suppose a little repetition doesn't hurt me though.

I can't think of any greater comfort than knowing that my prayers are heard and that every pure and righteous desire will be granted... no matter how much further down the road that may be.  I also appreciate the part about giving thanks all along the way.

-Alicia

Broken Things

At the time of Christ's crucifixion, the earth was broken in pieces.  "The rocks were rent in twain; they were broken up upon the face of the whole earth, insomuch that they were found in broken fragments, and in seams and in cracks, upon all the face of the land." (3 Nephi 8:18)
Was this a symbol of the Savior's broken body on the cross?
Was it a symbol of how we too must be broken?

The hearts of the people during that period had become so hardened from their wickedness that "Many great destructions [had the Lord] caused to come upon [the] land" (3 Nephi 9:12)
I believe it was an act of mercy.

In the darkness, the voice of Christ spoke to the people of Nephi calling for them to offer a "broken heart and a contrite spirit." (3 Nephi 9:20)

Why must our hearts be broken?
This morning, as I read these passages in 3 Nephi, I asked myself this question.  I remembered the words to a song I heard years ago by, Kenneth Cope:

Broken
(Words by Kenneth Cope; Music by Kenneth & Eliza Cope)
—inspired by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Broken clouds give rain
Broken soil grows grain
Broken bread feeds man for one more day
Broken storms yield light
The break of day heals night
Broken pride turns blindness into sight
Broken souls that need His mending
Broken hearts for offering
Could it be that God loves broken things
Broken chains set free
Broken swords bring peace
Broken walls make friends of you and me
To break the ranks of sin
To break the news of Him
To put on Christ till His name feels broken in
Broken souls that need His mending
Broken hearts for offering
I believe that God loves broken things
And yet, our broken faith, our broken promises
Sent love to the cross
And still, that broken flesh, that broken heart of His
Offers us such grace and mercy
Covers us with love undeserving
This broken soul that cries for mending
This broken heart for offering
I’m convinced that God loves broken me
Praise His name—my God loves broken things
So, broken cloud—Give rain
And broken soil—Grow grain
And broken bread—Feed man for one more day
© 2004 Merge Right Music (BMI)

It all makes sense... this need we have to be broken.  It's beautiful!

And so, I rejoice that I can find hope in the midst of hurt.  There is purpose in the breaking... it's all part of "the making."

-Alicia

"You Can't Close My Heart"

Have you ever heard of The Freeze?  Members of the church in Ghana were banned by their own government from gathering in meetinghouses and missionaries were kicked out.  If they were caught, some were arrested for trying to hold sacrament meeting in their home.  This ban lasted 18 months from June,1989 to Nov. 1990.  This was not a restriction God-imposed but one of man, even still... there was so much good that came out of it.  One brother in this story said something he learned that I'll never forget, "You can close my mouth, but you can't close my heart."

I am inspired by the numerous blessings born of the trials and heartache they went through; Opportunities were expanded, they experience greater unity, stronger conversion, and a depth of appreciation for the simple gifts of the Gospel.

I know with all my heart that if we stay fixed and focused on our Savior, the very things that hurt the greatest and cut the deepest will cause the best things to grow.

-Alicia

Choosing Gratitude

I've been thinking a lot about the beautiful and freeing principle of gratitude. In D&C 59:7 it says, " Thou shalt thank the Lord thy God in all things."  And  D&C 98:1 we are counseled, "Verily I say unto you my friends, fear not, let your hearts be comforted; yea, rejoice evermore, and in everything give thanks."

What does it look like to give thanks in everything and how do we find this perspective during those moments in life that are unpleasant, inconvenient, ugly, or painful?

I believe it is a principle of agency.  We choose to see the good to focus on the blessings.  I love the example of Job in the Old testament. I don't know of any person in the scriptures besides Jesus Christ who was given more hardships than Job was.  Even with all the trials Joseph Smith went through, the Lord said to him "Thou art not yet as Job."

Job's perspective was this: "Naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." - Job 1:21

Basically, Job's view on his life was that all of it was a gift from God, every last bit of it "the good, the bad, the ugly."  He understood that he was born into the world completely empty-handed and that anything tangibly given unto him would eventually be taken away through the portal of death.  "In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly."- Job 1:22

In our family scripture study we just read about the people of Alma who lived for a time under the persecution of Amulon and the Lamanites.  They were chastened.  Their patience and faith was tried. ( Mosiah 23:21) But they trusted in God and continued to cry out to him in prayer, which practice deepened their faith even more. (Mosiah 23:22&23, 27&28)

What I find interesting is that their burdens were not removed for quite some time but that they were only "eased."  Even though the struggle and weight of trial remained, the Lord strengthened their ability to carry it all.  And they did so "cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord." - Mosiah 24: 13-15  Eventually they escaped their enemies and looking back they acknowledged the hand of God with the heartfelt praise, just as Job did.

"They poured out their thanks to God because he had been merciful unto them, and eased their burdens, and had delivered them out of bondage; for they were in bondage, and none could deliver them except it were the Lord their God.

 And they gave thanks to God, yea, all their men and all their women and all their children that could speak lifted their voices in the praises of their God."

-Mosiah 24:21-22

This is faith:  Knowing that even in the moment where we can't see the end from the beginning, where we can't see the reason for certain trials, it won't really matter when we leave this life.  What will matter is "Did we trust God?" Did we trust that no matter what our struggles were we continued to do good and choose gratitude.   The Good Shepherd KNOWS us!

We continue on this journey with peace and hope in our hearts, "fearing not to do good... for whatsoever [we] sow, that shall [we] also reap; therefore, if [we] sow good ye shall also reap good for [our] reward.

The Savior calls,  "Therefore, fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail."   - D&C 6:33-34

- Alicia :)

Healing Hearts That are Failing

In the Doctrine and Covenants 45 & 88 it says in the last days "the whole earth shall be in commotion, and men’s hearts shall fail them."

Commotion, unrest, fear, turmoil.... How many hearts will fail during the days we live in???  When I read scriptures like this, I desire to encourage, to help heal the failing hearts of those around me.  A couple of weeks ago I was fasting for a family who lives next to me.  They are an unmarried blended family. Living in the "tight quarters" that we do, it's hard to avoid hearing the constant turmoil in their home.  None of them are active in the church.  The daughter of the mother used to come but has since given up as well.

About a week and a half ago I sat on the steps of our porch and visited with the mother of the family.  I listened to her tell me about the stresses and difficulties she faced on a day-to-day basis.  The entire time she was telling me about the "commotion" in her life I wanted so badly to somehow take the experiences I have had with prayer, with the scriptures, with the words of the living prophets, and infuse them into her so she could instinctively know where to find peace and rest from such needless pain.
She said, to me, "Alicia I can't come to church because I'm living in sin."
I immediately responded, "Aren't we all? If we waited to go only when we were completely free from making any mistakes or having any sin in our hearts then no one would be able to go."
I had a small window of opportunity to bear testimony to her of our Father in Heaven's infinite love and I told her of President Uchdorft's talk from this last conference to just "start where you are."

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to speak in church very briefly about the hymn, "Where Can I Turn for Peace" I had invited my neighbor friend to come and hear my testimony and I was hopeful that she would because the night before she confirmed a couple of times.  When I stood, I looked for her in the congregation but I didn't see her.  I was disappointed.  I wanted to direct my words to her. If only she would turn.  I was grateful for the number of people who had come to church that day.

I had been thinking of a favorite hymn of mine as a child, "Did You Think to Pray?" and for a brief moment I imagined myself again as a little girl sitting in church with a family who went every Sunday.  No one knew of the turmoil and pain that went on under our roof, (maybe our bishop but no body else.)  I thought, "If there are families like the one from my childhood sitting in this congregation right now then there is certainly a great number of people who are suffering needlessly in the church as well."  I remember a former bishop of ours used to call the constant visits in his office, "The Parade of Pain."

The hearts of men and women need not fail if they would only turn.  In the Book of Numbers, chapter 21, the children of Israel were bitten by serpents. Many of the people were dying but God provided an escape from the pain, suffering, and death.  He commanded Moses to raise a serpent on his staff and tell the people if they would just look at the raised serpent, they would be healed.  How can we look? How do we turn?  I believe it is through the simple process of faith and repentance, sincere prayer, daily seeking God's word (modern and ancient), and weekly partaking of Christ's sacrament.  It's the primary answer, just as simple as "look."

The children of Israel were healed by looking to Christ, they defeated the Amorites and the people of Bashan who fought against them. I testify that as we turn and look to Christ as the children of Israel did, our hearts will not fail us in these last days, even though the whole world will be in commotion.

Where can we turn for peace?  Nowhere else but to God, to our Father in Heaven and His son, Jesus Christ - "He only ONE."

-Alicia

Recovery

A couple of Sundays ago I brought my 7yr-old daughter's plant with me to church to use as an object lesson in Young Women's.  During sacrament meeting, Kaylee wanted to hold her little plant.  I set it in her lap as she smiled adoringly at her two flower sprouts growing from the seeds she had sown.  As she held it, she accidentally snapped one of the stems.  She began to cry, thinking she killed it.  Sure enough, I looked down and could see the lifeless stem dangling on a hinge.  I gave her a hug and whispered in her ear, "Honey, it's going to be alright.  I don't think it's dead.  Let's just be really gentle, keep taking care of it, and see what happens."  

I must admit that a part of me wasn't so sure it would recover and I was a little surprised when after a few days I noticed it lifting its head back towards the light of the sun.  Honestly, I have never seen a stem come alive again after being snapped like that.  I recalled the words I had whispered into Kaylee's ear, "Let's just be really gentle, keep taking care of it, and see what happens."  I thought of our brothers and sisters who have been broken by sin or addiction and how the right environment can bring them back into full recovery.

In nature, there are archetypes - symbols in our physical world that have existed since the creation, symbols that testify of that which God has ordained.  Earth is an archetype of man, water is an archetype of woman, but there is more... 

The air is an archetype of the Holy Spirit, and the sun is an archetype of Jesus Christ.  

When I saw this little stem curving back up toward the light of the sun, I couldn't help but think of the light of our Savior, the Son of God.  I was thrilled with excitement.  I grabbed the camera and took a picture. 

I thought of the addiction recovery program.  They've just launched some powerful new videos with real stories of people going through each of the 12 steps.  Last night, my husband and I watched these videos together.  I wrapped my arms around my husband as we listened to story after story of people going to their bishop for help.  Joseph sighed gratefully with a tear in his eye, "Those dear bishops, they have to carry so much."  I smiled as I thought of ours - We both love and pray for him.  These men are called of God, they tirelessly watch over and care for their flock.  Through their inspiration and the addiction recovery program, countless souls are saved.  These are messages of hope, kindness, forgiveness, love, and ultimately of recovery through Jesus Christ.  It's a beautiful thing.

-Alicia

(Broken Things to Mend - April 2006 -  Elder Jeffrey R. Holland)

one week of recovery

10 days of recovery

2 weeks of recovery

6 weeks of recovery and growing stronger than ever


Come Unto Him 

He came to us; he loved us that much.
There isn’t a soul he’s unwilling to touch;
No life so dark he cannot light;
No sadness, no sorrow he cannot right.
Come unto him.

He came to earth; he lived as a man.
There’s no earthly care he can’t understand;
No earthly pain he did not feel;
No hunger, no heartache he cannot heal.
Come unto him.

He lived like us, acquainted with grief.
To those who believe he offers relief.
He opens eyes; he forgives sin;
For the humble, the faithful, who follow him.
Come unto him.

(Text:  Steven Jones  - Music:  Sam Cardon)

Discerning Hearts

What if the Lord had blessed you with the gift of discerning hearts,  the gift of recognizing when a brother or sister was in pain even if never openly expressed?  What if you could see they were suffering from hurt or sorrow not necessarily from their own doings but from uncontrollable circumstances around them... what would you do?  What if you were given eyes to see these things but you were bound and limited in what you could do to help them?  What would you say to encourage them, to make their burdens a little lighter?

I would offer my faith.  I'd say, "Put on as many conference talks as you can find and soak up the words of the Living Prophets.  Hang on!  Press on!  Hold on! Be true to the truths you know.  All will be well.  All will be well!  I know this because the Lord is at the helm.  Your prayers are heard, both the spoken and unspoken."

Elder Holland says it better:

"Cling to your faith. Hold on to your hope. 'Pray always, and be believing.'  Indeed, as Paul wrote of Abraham, he 'against [all] hope believed in hope' and 'staggered not … through unbelief.' He was 'strong in faith' and was 'fully persuaded that, what [God] had promised, he was able … to perform.'

Even if you cannot always see that silver lining on your clouds, God can, for He is the very source of the light you seek. He does love you, and He knows your fears. He hears your prayers. He is your Heavenly Father, and surely He matches with His own the tears His children shed."

 - Elder Jeffrey R. Holland - An High Priest of Good Things to Come

If I Could...

"And it came to pass when Jesus had said these words, he spake unto his disciples, one by one, saying unto them: What is it that ye desire of me, after that I am gone to the Father?
 And they sorrowed in their hearts, for they durst not speak unto Him the thing which they desired.  And He said unto them, behold I know your thoughts... for ye have desired that ye might bring the souls of men unto Me, while the world shall stand."- 3 Ne. 28:1,5,6,9

What would I wish for if I were given the same opportunity?

Alma prayed, "O that I were an angel, and could have the wish of mine heart, that I might go forth and speak with the trump of God, with a voice to shake the earth, and cry repentance unto every people!" - Alma 29:1

His companion, Amulek, desired to "stretch forth [his] hands, and exercise the power of God... when [he] saw the pains of the women and children" and he wished to "save them from the flames." - Alma 14:10 

The Lord surely must smile upon the righteous intents of each of these men's hearts. They didn't have their prayers answered the same yet they all had similar desires, to minister in miraculous ways.  They all wanted greatly to answer the cries of the people, and bring souls unto the healing, gentle Christ.

It is one of Heaven's transcendent gifts, to "bear one another's burdens" to "mourn with those that mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort."  Mosiah 18:8-9 This is the way of the Savior.  These principles are solidified into the very core of His Divine character.  He changed the world and continues to do so... "one by one."  Master of the Universe, Creator of us all, there is nothing too hard for Him!

In and of myself, I am no good and could be of no help to anyone... but through Him, through His influence, power, and infinite grace, I believe I can change the world too... one by one.  This is my desire.  This is what I wish for more than anything else.

-Alicia

Symbols of Surrender

In 3 Nephi Chapter 27, the Savior speaks a great deal about baptism.  I love the imagery of surrendering our whole souls to God as one is baptized.  I've been thinking a great deal about other places where we find symbols of surrender.

In 3 Nephi 24, the Savior quotes Malachi 3 when He invites the multitude to be refined and purified through Him like silver and purged as gold.  In verse 10, He testifies of tithes and offerings. (Hearing this, I also think of fasting.) Personally trusting and acting upon these truths are symbols of surrender.

The Savior laying prostrate on the ground as He prayed in Gethsemane pouring out blood and soul, both there and on the cross; bruised, broken, and torn for us, is a beautiful symbol of the most humble surrender. Matt 26:36-46 Matt 27:32-56

Where else in the scriptures can we see these symbols?  Do we see other symbols of surrender in the Temple besides just baptism?

In the Conference Report of October 1966 President Howard W. Hunter said,
 "One of the great writers has penned: 'Peace does not dwell in outward things, but within the soul; we may preserve it in the midst of the bitterest pain, if our will remains firm and submissive. Peace in this life springs from acquiescence, not in an exemption from suffering.' (Fenelon.)

Emerson wrote: 'Nothing can bring you peace but yourself; nothing can bring you peace but the triumph of principles.' (Essay, 'Self-Reliance.') These principles are incorporated into the gospel of Jesus Christ. Indifference to the Savior or failure to keep the commandments of God brings about insecurity, inner turmoil, and contention. These are the opposite of peace. Peace can come to an individual only by an unconditional surrender—surrender to him who is the Prince of peace (Isa. 9:6), who has the power to confer peace."

Interesting that there is the pattern again about how to find rest and peace to our soul.
...Just some things I'll be thinking about today.

-Alicia

Focal Point

"The light of the body is the eye; if, therefore, thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light." - 3 Nephi 13:22

What does it mean for our eye to be single?
 I believe the answer is illustrated in various settings of our lives.

On the stage of our social arenas, it can be tempting to pander to the people or hide behind the curtains in fear of them.  But if our "eye is single" to the glory of God,  we won't be concerned with audiences but rather with alleluias.  We will remember always that "whatsoever [we] do, [to] do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men"- Colossians 3:23.  

We see this same doctrine echoed in 3 Nephi 13:1-2 and Matthew 6:1-2  We are warned to "take heed that [we] do not [our] alms before men to be seen of them" to "not sound a trumpet" or announce our good works for everyone to hear.

"Latter-day Saints whose eyes are single to God’s glory see life from a vastly different perspective than those whose attention is directed elsewhere. Such members, for instance, care little about receiving credit or recognition for their good deeds. They are more interested in feeding the Lord’s sheep than in counting them. In fact, they frequently find their greatest happiness in serving anonymously, thereby leaving the beneficiaries of their kindness with no one to thank or praise except the Lord." - Marlin K. Jensen

Henry Drummond taught, "Love more persons more -- love them more impersonally, more unselfishly, without thought of return. The return, never fear, will take care of itself." - Henry Drummond

I love that, "without thought of return."  Again I say, this all stems from the fact that we are not concerned with audiences but rather with alleluias. Think of how freeing it is to never have it cross our mind whether people notice us, to never "worry" about being loved, admired, or adored.  The Creator of the Universe already loves, admires, and adores us!!  Shouldn't that be sufficient?!! It should be and it should also be very sobering... because we are "less than the dust of the earth."

Another setting for our "eye to be single" could be in times of trouble, sorrow, difficulty, or struggle.  I imagine Peter attempting to walk on the water, stepping out in faith and miraculously making his way to the Savior.  As long as he had his eyes fixed on the Lord, wholly, completely, and decidedly, Peter's steps were stable and secure ... But when he took his focus off Christ, "he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me." - Matthew 14:30

We must not fear but rather persevere through the storms, no matter how threatening the winds and the waves may become. We must keep our eyes fixed on Him trusting completely with our mind, heart, and actions that He is mighty to save.

Christ has taught that in Him we shall "find rest to [our] souls." He said, "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." - John 14:27

"Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin." - 3 Nephi 13:28

When our lives are centered on the Savior, "the light of the world," when He is the focal point in all we say and do, our "whole body shall be full of  light" and we will have peace!  It will be as shining rays of hope in the darkest of nights, filling and illuminating our souls and the souls of all who partake of it.  No man can rob it from us, elements of sea or earth cannot destroy it, and prison cells cannot bar it's presence, for it is not of this world.  This peace "is a treasure in heaven,[brighter than the sun] where moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal." - 3 Nephi 13:19-20  

-Alicia

Thank You for Cutting Me Down

I've been listening to one of my favorite talks by Hugh B. Brown, "God is the Gardener."  I bought a copy of it on CD from Deseret Book a few months after my husband and I were married.

 During these last couple of weeks, I've played this talk several times over.  My boy, Micah, loves it when I play it and always stops whatever he is doing and curls up next to the speakers to listen.  (It's really sweet and tugs on my heart as a mother. He's such a great kid.)  He knows how to recognize a good thing.  This talk is classic!!   I am sure that it's loved by so many in the Church because it resonates so well with our experiences in life that "bring us low" or shake us up.  I am truly thankful the for the moments in my life where I have been "cut down." I'm so thankful to know that I have a Father in Heaven who "loves me enough to hurt me."  He knows who I am to become.  I trust the Gardner!

"God will have a humble people. Either we can choose to be humble or we can be compelled to be humble. Alma said, “Blessed are they who humble themselves without being compelled to be humble.” (Alma 32:16)

Let us choose to be humble. " - President Ezra Taft Benson "Beware of Pride"

"Sixty-odd years ago I was on a farm in Canada. I had purchased the farm from another who had been somewhat careless in keeping it up. I went out one morning and found a currant bush that was at least six feet high. I knew that it was going all to wood. There was no sign of blossom or of fruit. I had had some experience in pruning trees before we left Salt Lake to go to Canada, as my father had a fruit farm. So I got my pruning shears and went to work on that currant bush, and I clipped it and cut it and cut it down until there was nothing left but a little clump of stumps.

And as I looked at them, I yielded to an impulse, which I often have, to talk with inanimate things and have them talk to me. It’s a ridiculous habit. It’s one I can’t overcome. As I looked at this little clump of stumps, there seemed to be a tear on each one, and I said, “What’s the matter, currant bush? What are you crying about?”

And I thought I heard that currant bush speak. It seemed to say, “How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth. I was almost as large as the fruit tree and the shade tree, and now you have cut me down. And all in the garden will look upon me with contempt and pity. How could you do it? I thought you were the gardener here.”

I thought I heard that from the currant bush. I thought it so much that I answered it.

I said, “Look, little currant bush, I am the gardener here, and I know what I want you to be. If I let you go the way you want to go, you will never amount to anything. But someday, when you are laden with fruit, you are going to think back and say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me.’” - Hugh B. Brown "God is the Gardener"

And here is the testimony that I love. I add my witness to this.  God is good, so very, very good!

"God is aware of you individually. He knows who you are and what you are, and, furthermore, He knows what you are capable of becoming. Be not discouraged, then, if you do not get all the things you want just when you want them. Have the courage to go on and face your life and, if necessary, reverse it to bring it into harmony with His law...  someday, when you are ripened in life, you are going to shout back across the time and say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me.’" 

- Hugh B. Brown "God is the Gardener"

-Alicia

Healing the Leper

With leprosy, bacteria attacks nerve endings and destroys the body's ability to feel. Without the sensation of feeling, people injure themselves on fire, thorns, rocks, even hot coffee cups. Injuries become infected and result in tissue loss. Fingers and toes become shortened and deformed as the cartilage is absorbed into the body. It can also result in difficulty breathing and poor vision.

When I read this definition of what leprosy is, I was surprised.  I always thought it was a skin condition not a nerve condition.  My husband even likes to joke around that he has "leprosy"when his skin is dry or peeling.   I suppose there are many people through time, even during the time of Christ, that have thought it was some sort of contagious skin condition.  But it's not, it's damage to the nerves, the ability to feel which leads to injury of the skin.  This made me think of the scripture in  1Ne. 17:45 where Nephi speaks of his brothers as being “past feeling.” Could there be an emotional and spiritual kind of leprosy?

In every account that I have read where Christ heals the leper it always says that they were "immediately" healed.
If there is an emotional equivalent to leprosy, why can't that be immediately healed???  Why does it have to take 30 to 40 years or even a life-time for some?

What kinds of things in our lives make us "past feeling?"  What numbs our ability to be conscious in our surroundings?  What corrodes our awareness of the Spirit in our lives, or dulls our sense of true identity?  I believe a big one in today's world is addiction.  Those caught in it's ugly cycle, those who have constant regular relapses or just an occasional regurgitation, it doesn't really matter; each relapse "attacks the nerves, the sensation of feeling, leaving one open for greater injury and infection."

How sad that in Christ's time, the lepers were shunned or isolated, despised and rejected.  They weren't contagious, they had self-inflicting injuries. And even though they were past feeling, I am certain they hungered all the more for closeness.

"The Little Prince" by, Antoine de Saint-Exupéry has been a favorite book of mine that I have treasured for years. There's a part in the story that illustrates the cycle of addiction perfectly.  The scene is where the innocent boy meets a drunk man (or tippler) for the first time and it "plunges the little prince into deep dejection.":

"What are you doing there?" he said to the tippler, who he found settled down in silence before a collection of empty bottles and also a collection of full bottles.
"I am drinking," replied the tippler, with a lugubrious air.
"Why are you drinking?" demanded the little prince.
"So that I may forget," replied the tippler.
"Forget what?" inquired the little prince, who already was sorry for him.
"Forget that I am ashamed," the tippler confessed, hanging his head.
"Ashamed of what?" insisted the little prince, who wanted to help him.
"Ashamed of drinking!" The tippler brought his speech to an end, and shut himself up in an impregnable silence.  And the little prince was puzzled.

As puzzling as it is.... such is the cycle of those who struggle with addiction.  The very thing that numbs them that "kills their pain" is the very source of their pain.  How do they break free of this vexatious cycle?  How do they "bury their weapons of war" deep in the ground and never pick them up again? (Alma 24: 17-18)

All things are possible through Christ, I know this!  There is a way out of the cycle.  The little prince was discouraged because there was really nothing he could do to help this man and it puzzled him each time he saw him lift the bottle again to his lips.  "Why?  Why don't you just stop?  Why do you keep returning to this?" No doubt, the man asks himself the same question all the time and even hates himself for it.

The third step in the addiction recovery program is to "Trust in God."  I believe this step is equally as vital to those who have loved ones that struggle with addiction as it is to those who are trapped in its awful vice.  We would all do well to trust God a little more to pray and seek for strength, for wisdom beyond our own.

 “God, grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” — Reinhold Niebuhr

We are all agents "free to act for ourselves."  We cannot change the actions of others or make them heal.  We can love them though, love them, forgive them, keep loving them, and most of all... trust God!  I believe He has the power to heal the leper and I know he can heal our loved ones caught in addiction, completely, wholly and forever! However long and hard that road may be to full and complete healing... There is no hunger, no heartache, no sorrow, no injury, pain, or weakness that He cannot repair or make right.  I trust this.

I trust Him.

-Alicia