Repulsive Rameumptoms

What is a Rameumptom?

It's a stand or tower where the Zoramites gave their rote prayers saying how grateful they were that they were better than everyone else. When Alma and Amulek viewed the scene of such wickedness and arrogance, they were filled with sorrow.

Alma described that the Zoramites "were a wicked and a perverse people... their hearts were set upon gold, and upon silver, and upon all manner of fine goods...their hearts were lifted up unto great boasting, in their pride... they cry unto [God], and yet their hearts are swallowed up in their pride. ... they cry unto [God] with their mouths, while they are puffed up even to greatness, with the vain things of the world." - Alma 31:24,25,27

This kind of pride is so tragic, so tragic that when Alma witnesses it he cries out with his own prayer, "O Lord, wilt thou suffer that thy servants shall dwell here below in the flesh, to behold such gross wickedness among the children of men?"  - Alma 31:26

When I read these things, I can't help wonder what the Rameumptoms of today might look like. I don't think they would be physical towers. But what other means could we use to rise above the crowd and boast? How are we channeling attention to ourselves and away from the Lord?

After reading Alma 31 and  Proverbs 16:18-19 this morning, I found a quote from a lead pastor that says, "Pride is that ugly part of your heart that causes you to be more concerned about yourself and your own reputation than you are about Christ and his." - Sam Storms (Christian Living - May 6, 2015 - How Pride Poisons the Soul)

Interesting how this pastor describes arrogance as "that ugly part" and Alma describes it as "gross". Perfect descriptions, I think!

Now, Alma's mission wasn't completely full of gross and depressing scenes of wickedness. He also met those who were repentant, who "took no thought for themselves" who had great faith and focus on Christ, so much in fact that in every affliction they were, "swallowed up in the joy of Christ". (Alma 31:37-38)

It must have been a breath of fresh air for Alma to meet those who had been humbled. In fact, I know it made him very happy because in Alma 32:6 it says it says he beheld them "with great joy".

 From my own experiences, I can see a world of difference, night and day difference, when I meet people who "take no thought of themselves" who are truly and sincerely focused on the Savior. They are the ones that shine to me, and they don't even know it.  They have discovered where real, lasting beauty resides.

Wow, what a contrast!

If Thine Eye Be Single

The Savior admonishes in the Sermon on the Mount for us to "Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven." (Matt 6:1)

He also counsels, "Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven." (Matt 5:16)

So, the question I have is this... What is the differentiating factor determining if our alms or good works "before men" are so terribly wrong or so incredibly right? I believe that it all centers on our intention. We might ask ourselves if our righteous deeds are done with the intent to be "seen of men" or to "glorify [our] Father which is in heaven"? 

"The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light." (Matt 6:22)

The point here again is that our vision, our focus, our intent must not be divided. We can't have half our desire to glorify God and the other half to glorify ourselves. The Savior in His sermon also makes it clear that "no man can serve two masters".  (Matt 6:24) And the apostle James taught, “A double minded man is unstable in all his ways” (James 1:8).

Jesus said, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." (Matt 6:33)

Light will be added unto you, brighter and brighter. This is how we shine... By doing good works, giving alms, fearlessly loving, and simply serving others - all the while "taking no thought of [ourselves]" being 100% focused on giving credit where all credit is due, to our Father in Heaven.

-Alicia

Overcoming the World

"Behold [the author of all sin] had got great hold upon the hearts of the Nephites; yea, inosomuch that they had become exceedingly wicked; yea, the more part of them had turned out of the way of righteousness, and did trample under their feet the commandments of God, and did turn unto their own ways, and did build up unto themeselves idols of their gold and their silver." - Heleman 6:31

What causes people who were once enlightened by the Spirit of God to let the adversary gain such a great hold on them? 

In the verse quoted above it says that the Nephites "turned out of the way of righteousness...and did turn unto their own ways."  I think that's the root of the problem, they began to turn more inward, more selfish, more concerned about building up themselves than building up the kingdom of God.

So, how do we build God's kingdom here on earth? How do we stay focused on what matters most? How do we overcome the pride, the selfishness, and the arrogance that plagues so many? Elder Neil L. Andersen taught in this last conference, "Overcoming the world is not one defining moment in a lifetime, but a lifetime of moments that define an eternity."

If we examine our every-day choices, even the ones that look good on the outside, we must ask ourselves, "Where is my heart? What is my sincere motivation in doing this?" I think then we will begin to discover which direction our hearts are turned.

"The meek are able with regularity to peel off the encrustations of ego that form on one’s soul like barnacles on a ship." - Neal A. Maxwell (Meekly Drenched in Destiny)

Elder Andersen stated that "Those who overcome the world develop an all-encompassing love for our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ... Overcoming the world means turning ourselves outward, remembering the second commandment: 'He that is greatest among you shall be your servant.'"

Our "turning" pivots on simple every-day choices, seemingly small things that seep into our lives and distract us from the right focus - Social media is one example. It's a great tool to connect with people, to offer encouragement, and to bear testimony of the Gospel....  but it can also become a terrible distraction, a vacuum that sucks a person's view into a narrow little hole of self-centeredness. It all depends on our motives. Are we out there for gain or for God?

"A disciple of Christ is not alarmed if a post about her faith does not receive 1,000 likes or even a few friendly emojis. Overcoming the world is being less concerned with our online connections and more concerned with our heavenly connection to God." - Neil L. Andersen

Online or in person, I believe the more we focus on our personal gain, popularity, or prestige- the more arrogant we become. A life without the Savior, the true vine, causes our Divine beauty to dry up and wither. But on the flip-side, the more our hearts are turned to our Father in Heaven, the more sincerely we are focused on the Savior, the more we lose ourselves, the more confident we become - and we blossom and grow into radiant humble disciples of Christ.

-Alicia

"He Knows My Name"

I don't need my name in lights

I'm famous in my Father's eyes

Make no mistake

He knows my name

I'm not living for applause

I'm already so adored

It's all His stage

He knows my name

I'm not meant to just stay quiet

I'm meant to be a lion

I'll roar beyond a song

With every moment that I've got

True to who You are

You saw my heart

and made

Something out of nothing

Don't Be Supes Selfie

I've been reading about the pride cycle in the Book of Mormon. Today, I read Helaman 12:2&5 and it reminded me of the General Conference talk from April 2016 by Elder Stephen E. Snow, "Be Thou Humble".

I absolutely love this talk because it is so applicable and needed for today's disgustingly obsessed selfie world. As I write this, I laugh, because I'm reminded of this very funny cartoon that illustrates our society's grossly self-centered obsession in social media.

Super Social Network

As we raise our own children, we need to help them remain humble as they mature into adulthood. We do not do this by breaking their spirit through unkindness or by being too harsh in our discipline. While nurturing their self-confidence and self-esteem, we need to teach them the qualities of selflessness, kindness, obedience, lack of pride, civility, and unpretentiousness. We need them to learn to take joy in the successes of siblings and friends. 

President Howard W. Hunter taught that “our genuine concern should be for the success of others.” If not, our children can become obsessed with self-promotion and outdoing others, jealousy, and resentment for the triumphs of peers. I’m grateful for a mother who, when seeing I was becoming too full of myself as a boy, would say, “Son, a little bit of humility right now would go a long way.” - Elder Stephen E. Snow

That's some might fine advice!

-Alicia

Facing Fear and Sorrow

Well I don't think Yoda had it exactly right--Fear doesn't necessarily lead to anger.  It's the denial of fear, the being too proud to admit fear, or just a completely unconscious fear that can lead to an unhealthy anger.

I've felt compelled to study the emotion of fear a little more lately mostly to observe the needs of each member of my family: my children,  my foster children, my husband, and myself.  Fear is a powerful emotion and can be extremely intimidating. But instead of running from it, we should seek to understand the cause of it in our lives.

I've noticed that Joseph has been studying fear too--searching talks and scriptures on the subject. We've had some great discussions together that I've really enjoyed.  Last Thursday, we had a 3-way phone conversation from one of the supervisors at DCFS.  He described some observations he has made with the foster children and how fear has been playing into their lives.

There's something interesting about fear... because when we don't face our fears or admit them, it usually leads to another, more frightening, emotion.  I found these lines the other day that describe what I'm trying to say:

"A well-defended heart is always looking for a fight"

-Jason Gray

These discussions and these studies have been very helpful in opening our understanding to two little guests we have in our home.  A couple of nights ago, we gained even more insight as we listened to an incredible story.

Joseph and I had our date night on Sunday this last week and had the privilege of attending a fireside where Sergeant Justin Garn spoke.  Sergeant Garn described some of his experiences in combat. He said that fear and sadness are primary emotions and that anger is secondary. Even in a split second, when someone flies off the handle, it is almost always because they've ignored their primary emotion. Anger is always a choice and that it is usually used as a tool to hide fear or grief.

He described some dark times in his life during combat where he almost let anger take over his soul because he didn't want to face his fears or sorrows. It was a rude awakening to recognize the anger that almost swallowed him whole. He realized that it came from suppressing his fear and by not allowing himself to mourn.

"We all grieve in different ways," he said--we all mourn over different losses and changes in our lives--but we all grieve and we all mourn.  And we need to allow ourselves to feel and express fear and sorrow, these primary emotions, to be real with ourselves and others.  If we don't, then we often turn to anger--the biggest destroyer of peace.

He began to study his scriptures and pray everyday.  He changed the music he listened to and prepared himself each morning by listening to hymns, songs that reminded him of the worth of every human soul. He felt a miraculous change come over his heart as he began to feel love even for those who would usually be called his enemy.

As Joseph and I listened to this incredible soldier speak, we heard a modern-day Moroni, one who did not desire to be a man of blood, one who delighted in the freedom of all people, one who truly loved God, his country, and his family. He had a magnificent spirit of humility and love about him.

During the fireside, our experiences as foster parents played in my mind. I thought of the extreme fits of rage our little foster daughter has on a regular basis. I thought of the difficult outbursts of anger our foster son displays too... And I saw them both a little differently.  I could see more clearly what the social worker was describing last Thursday.  These are two very frightened and sad children. It's helpful for us to understand this because it works more compassion and empathy into our hearts. They have not learned to come face to face with their primary emotions, instead they suppress them and have learned to go straight to anger. They don't know how to face their fears.  They don't know how to grieve.

I'm so grateful for this fireside, for the phone-visit we had with the social worker, for the talks Joseph and I have been reading, for the scriptures that have inspired us... these are all in direct line with each other, witnessing to us that God hears our prayers and is teaching us what we need to know along the way.

I read this quote this morning during my personal study and quickly copied it down because I KNOW it's true!! This is my testimony:

"I tell you this: God cares about you. He will listen, and He will answer your personal questions. The answers to your prayers will come in His own way and in His own time, and therefore, you need to learn to listen to His voice. God wants you to find your way back to Him, and the Savior is the way.God wants you to learn of His Son, Jesus Christ, and experience the profound peace and joy that come from following the path of divine discipleship." - President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

-Alicia

Clothed, Clothes, and Clothing

What is it about clothing that is so significant with God... and also with the Adversary?  
How is it used to teach us? 
What are some examples of the Lord's way and Satan's way?

It's as old as man on the earth.  When Adam and Eve discovered they were naked in the Garden of Eden,"they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons" (Genesis 3:7)  But interestingly, fig leaves irritate the skin with rashes and blisters (not exactly the kind of clothing I would prefer).

Contrast this with God's approach.  He was merciful to Adam and Eve and unto them "did... make coats of skins, and clothed them." (Genesis 3:21)...What kind of skin? Sheep skin.

In my scripture study this morning, I took note of scriptures that made reference to clothing, clothes or being clothed.  I find it very interesting, especially in these last days, to see  how it is used in these varying contexts.

In the Life of Christ

• Wrapped Him in swaddling clothes, and laid Him in a manger. (Luke 2:7)
• When Jesus entered Jerusalem on the colt, the people rejoiced at His coming and "spread their clothes in the way." (Luke 19:36)
• The Roman soldiers mocked Jesus and "They clothed Him with purple, and plaited a crown of thorns, and put it about His head." (Mark 15:17)
• After the death of Christ on the cross, the Savior's body was "wrapped in clean linen." (Matt 27:59)
• When the Savior comes again, those same twelve apostles who were with Him in his ministry will stand on His right hand "being clothed with robes of righteousness". (D&C 29:12)

Identity Crisis

• "The silks and the scarlets, and the fine-twined linen, and the precious clothing, and the harlots, are the desires of this great and abominable church." (1 Nephi 13:8)
• "They rob the poor because of their fine clothing; and they persecute the meek and the poor in heart, because in their pride they are puffed up." (2 Nephi 28:13)
• Alma rebukes the people and asks, "can ye be puffed up in the pride of your hearts; yea, will ye still persist in the wearing of costly apparel and setting your hearts upon the vain things of the world, upon your riches?" (Alma 5:53)
• Mormon laments many of the members of the church in the last days "save a few only who do not lift themselves up in the pride of their hearts, unto the wearing of very fine apparel". (Mormon 8:36)

True Beauty as Taught by Prophets

• To the meek, broken and heavy-hearted, the Lord has promised to clothe with "the garment of praise". (Isaiah 61:3)
• Peter testifies, "I have coveted no man's silver, or gold, or apparel". (Acts 20:33)
• Peter taught us to "be clothed with humility". (1 Peter 5:5)
• Paul taught that women are to "adorn themselves in modest apparel, with reverence, sobriety; not with broidered hair, or gold, or peals, or costly array". (1 Timothy 2:9)
• Paul also taught us to "be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. Put on the whole armour of God" (Ephesians 6:10,11)
• The revelation in D&C 88:125 teaches "Above all things, clothe yourselves with the bond of charity".
• When Moses stood upon the mount and God showed him great visions, he "beheld the heavens open, and [he] was clothed upon with glory".
• Joseph F. Smith had a vision of missionary work in the Spirit world where the Lord "organized His forces and appointed messengers, clothed with power and authority". (D&C 138:30)

After studying these things, I asked myself the following questions:

What is there to be learned from these scriptures, especially in today's fad culture? 

How do we apply this in our individual lives?  

What does Godly clothing look like, is it seen with spiritual or physical eyes, or both?  

How much worth do we place on either kind of clothing?  

How do we identify ourselves? 

Is it really truth we are dressed with... or is it actually "wolves in sheep's clothing"?

... Just some things I've been thinking about...

-Alicia
(Arise and Shine Forth)

Love Isn't Blind

It seems to me that the trends of the world often follow the pattern of what I call "shallow love."  So many relationships leave no room for imperfection in one another and therefore leave no room for growth.  When the going gets tough or if anything dissatisfies... they abandon everything.

C.S. Lewis observed this about Gods love and maybe we can apply something of this pattern in our own lives with everyone we come in contact with:

"To see in some measure, like God.  His love and His knowledge are not distinct from one another, nor from Him.  We could almost say He sees because He loves, and therefore loves although He sees." 

 "He loves although He sees."  Think about it for a moment! "He loves although He sees."  I believe that is what endears us to the Savior's heart.  That is the quality that makes us comfortable to fall before Him as our imperfect selves.  There is no piece of us that is hidden, He sees the good, the bad, and the ugly in our souls... and yet He loves us still.  

In this Shakespeare Sonnet, observe how he describes love.  It is unchanging even when it finds reason to change and sees the infinite worth even when the person may not "measure up" to it. 

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove:

O no; it is an ever-fixed mark,

That looks on tempests, and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,

Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle's compass come;

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

 If this be error and upon me proved,

 I never writ, nor no man ever loved. 

I really like where Shakespeare describes that true love "bears it out even to the edge of doom."  It reminds me of the verse I'm pondering this week on charity.  

After the Apostle Paul describes this wonderful virtue he warns us that we don't see the full picture and even don't understand our own hearts but the Lord does and eventually we will see clearly through Him.

“For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as I am known” (1 Cor. 13:12).

Pure and Christlike love always evokes and promotes feelings of unity, appreciation, and gentleness...  never discord, dissension, or hostility.  We are covenant people who have taken upon us the name of Christ and our behavior should reflect that same kind of perfect charity... to "love although [we] see."

Finally, I'll close this post with some thoughts from President Eyring in 1998

The sacramental prayer can remind us every week of how the gift of unity will come through obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel of Jesus Christ. When we keep our covenants to take His name upon us, to remember Him always, and to keep all His commandments, we will receive the companionship of His Spirit. That will soften our hearts and unite us. But there are two warnings which must come with that promise.

First, the Holy Ghost remains with us only if we stay clean and free from the love of the things of the world. A choice to be unclean will repel the Holy Ghost. The Spirit only dwells with those who choose the Lord over the world. “Be ye clean” (3 Ne. 20:41; D&C 38:42) and love God with all your “heart, … might, mind, and strength” (D&C 59:5) are not suggestions but commandments. And they are necessary to the companionship of the Spirit, without which we cannot be one.

The other warning is to beware of pride. A unity which comes to a family or to a people softened by the Spirit will bring great power. With that power will come recognition from the world. Whether that recognition brings praise or envy, it could lead us to pride. That would offend the Spirit. There is a protection against pride, that sure source of disunity. It is to see the bounties which God pours upon us not only as a mark of His favor but an opportunity to join with those around us in greater service. A man and his wife learn to be one by using their similarities to understand each other and their differences to complement each other in serving one another and those around them. In the same way, we can unite with those who do not accept our doctrine but share our desire to bless the children of our Heavenly Father.


We can become peacemakers, worthy to be called blessed and the children of God (see Matt. 5:9).

...........
- It's a new day. Let's seek for and choose opportunities to "see through the glass" with clarity, with the Spirit, with the eyes of Christ.

-Alicia

Escaping The Vacuum Cycle of Self

"Okay, campers, rise and shine, and don't forget your booties
'cause it's cooooold out there today. It's coooold out there every day."
- Groundhog Day (1993)

She hated the movie but I loved it!
My cousin Julia, rolled her eyes and groaned as the credits trailed up the screen, "That was THE dumbest show I have ever seen!"
"Come on, Julia, it wasn't that bad." I said encouragingly.  "There are some serious life lessons to be learned from it."
We made our way toward the exit of the theater. My cousin looked at me questioning, "Life lessons? You're so weird Alicia."
"Hey, I feel like that was money well spent," I said defensively. "It made me think about what we do with our choices every day and how we need to learn to live with purpose and not be so wrapped up in ourselves."

Needless to say, my cousin never watched Groundhog Day again but I did... probably about as many times as Phil Connors relived February 2nd.  It's interesting to me how many recycled wasted days Phil went through before he began some real introspection and experienced a mighty change of heart.

In my recent scripture study I've been reading the teachings of Alma and Amulek.  My "ponderize" verse last week was from Alma 7.  But I keep going back and thinking about a couple of crucial questions that the prophet poses in Alma 5:28, 29, "Are ye stripped of pride?" and "Is there one among you who is not stripped of envy?... if ye are not ye are not prepared to meet God."
It coincides perfectly with the poem that Rita recites to Phil in the diner scene when he's cramming his face full of food trying to absorb all the possible pleasures, an awful image of gluttony.

"The wretch, concentred all in self,

Living, shall forfeit fair renown,

And, doubly dying, shall go down

To the vile dust from whence he sprung,

Unwept, unhonour’d, and unsung."

- Sir Walter Scott

In my American Heritage class we are learning about avarice or greed - the driving force behind most of the passions in human nature.  Studying this in two places (at school and in my scriptures) has led me to do some introspection and really examine my own heart.  

I'll be the first to admit how easy it is for me to pass judgment on others and see where they have the mote in their eye.  It's hard to really recognize the beam in my own because when I do that's when the pain of realization hits like a 2X4, "I need to change."

I discovered an Ensign article last week, “Stripped of Envy” by Pam Wilson Vandenaker.  Something about the way she describes things struck me and I can see that I am not stripped of this ugly vice.  We live in such a competitive world.  It's so easy to "see" the achievements of others as we parade them so proudly on our Instagram and Facebook walls. There are some people who I can sincerely compliment and cheer on in their achievements.  But there are others who I feel as if their "boasting" is never ending and nauseating. I struggle to say anything that would enforce their ego and add more hot air to their blimpish head.

It bothers me that this bothers me.... does that make sense?

Withholding praise is a form of pride.  I know this but I withhold from those who I think cannot possibly handle anymore. Maybe it's not their conceit that gets under my skin so much... maybe if I'm honest with myself, it bothers me because I feel inferior?

If I feel inferior because another woman is obviously prettier, more organized, more graceful, more witty, or more fun than I am....
Where does that say my focus is??? "All in self."

I must have more pride and envy in my heart than I dare to admit.

 "Betsy Cohen, in her book The Snow White Syndrome: All about Envy (1986), notes that many of us 'have inner standards of excellence and perfection that are hard or impossible to meet', often causing emotional pain. We may have a hard time admitting mistakes and living with imperfections. If not careful, says the author, we can end up envious of those who seem to achieve more or who seem more comfortable being imperfect."- Pam Wilson Vandenaker

"Brothers and sisters, there are going to be times in our lives when someone else gets an unexpected blessing or receives some special recognition. May I plead with us not to be hurt—and certainly not to feel envious—when good fortune comes to another person? We are not diminished when someone else is added upon. We are not in a race against each other to see who is the wealthiest or the most talented or the most beautiful or even the most blessed. The race we are really in is the race against sin, and surely envy is one of the most universal of those." - Jeffrey R Holland

So how do we overcome this universal sin?.....

.... I believe it can achieved by one simple virtue: GRATITUDE.

Yes, we vary in skill, in beauty, in achievement, but like the laborers in the vineyard, at the end of the day we all receive the same generous heavenly reward... a reward that we really don't deserve but are nevertheless given because God is so graciously good and kind.

I love the words of Francesca Battistelli:

"Spent today in a conversation In the mirror face to face with somebody less than perfect
I wouldn't choose me first if I was looking for a champion
In fact I'd understand if You picked everyone before me
But that's just not my story
True to who You are
You saw my heart and made Something out of nothing

I don't need my name in lights I'm famous in my Father's eyes
Make no mistake He knows my name
I'm not living for applause I'm already so adored 
It's all His stage He knows my name "

When this is my perspective.... The envy, the pride, the competition naturally begin to fall away.  I lose concern for my own image and think more of God's image.  What else matters?  I become filled with a sense of awe and wonder... GRATEFUL for the knowledge that I mean everything to God and so do all the sisters and brothers around me.  I want to strive to share this truth more... to seek to complete the souls of others and not compete.

I find freedom when I accept Christ's grace for me and recognize that it is sufficient, it is enough and I don't need to be better, smarter or prettier than anyone.  In Him, I have my everything, in Him, I am made whole and complete despite all that I so obviously lack from being human.

- Alicia

Diving Deep

We spent most of Labor Day kayaking and paddle-boarding with my best friend and her family near the north part of Utah Lake.  We had a blast!

Now, anyone who is familiar with this lake knows exactly how shallow it is. The average depth is 9ft and doesn't exceed 14.  (This year I was told it hasn't exceeded 12ft.) From certain vantage points it looks full and beautiful but when a person enters into its waters they soon realize it doesn't take much to stir up heaps of sludgy mud.  The lack of depth also reveals its vulnerability, how close the lake is to evaporating into an empty crusty bed.  In fact, nearly half of the lake 41% dries up every year.

 Since our little one-day vacation, the word "shallow" has been on my mind.  This is the word I would choose to describe the superficial life, one that is nothing but "an act," "a show" used to hide what's really underneath. Like the lake, it's the life that has all the appearance of refreshing beauty but is really mostly mud.

It's easy to recognize this kind of facade among the Hollywood stars of today.  But I think since the invention of the Internet, YouTube, and social media, almost anyone can "make themselves a star."  And just like the actors on the silver screen,  for fear or hope of everyone watching, we all become tempted to "keep up our own appearances."  In today's world we don't need street corners to sound our trumpets...  We just need a screen with Internet access.

I think this is why I sometimes struggle to know what to write here.  Of course, I'm not saying in order for people to be real or to show depth, that they need to go onto social media and air all their dirty laundry, or show all their worst sides.  There are somethings I've shared or started to share on my blog but have then decided it's a little too personal and so I'll archive it into my off-site journal.

I guess what I'm getting at is this; I don't care the size of the audience, if there's an audience at all, it's easy to fall into a trap of "appearances" of keeping "one eye in the mirror."  - bragging or boasting, attempting to paint a self-portrait that shows me better than I really am, or understanding more about the Gospel, about motherhood, or just life in general than I really do.

Of course, the Lord doesn't want me to hide my faith under a bushel. (D&C 60:2, Matt 5:15-16) He has commanded me to make this known but it must be done with the sole concern that "God is my audience."  Anything else is vanity.

Elder Robert D. Hales warned, "We make poor and irrational decisions if we are motivated by fear: fear of man, fear of not being popular, fear of failure, fear of public opinion.

As Saul said to Samuel, 'I have sinned: for I have transgressed the commandment of the Lord, and thy words: because I feared the people, and obeyed their voice.' (1 Sam. 15:24)" - Robert D. Hales 1988 "Making Righteous Choices at the Crossroads of Life"  

Saul's sin was not so much in what he did but what he feared.  Keep in mind, it was the fear of other's opinions that caused people to reject the Tree of Life.  (1 Nephi 8:27, 28,  1 Nephi 11:36)  A perfect illustration of  what it looks like to sell the sacred.

So I've been praying lately that the Lord will help me understand my own heart.  I'm diving deep to really analyze my own motives.  Do I have even an ounce of "the fear of man?"  I suppose that some of the finest souls who have ever lived, at one point or another, have struggled with the "fear of man.".  Moroni, the great Book of Mormon prophet, is an example;  He worried about what people would say or think of his weakness.  The Lord's gentle rebuke to this was, "Fools mock, but they shall mourn; and my grace is sufficient for the meek, that they shall take no advantage of your weakness" (Ether 12:26)  

"His grace is sufficient" means to me that I don't need anything else, I don't need to be accepted or understood, or "approved of" by anyone but Him.  Being Christ-Centered brings so much peace and allows living water to flow freely into my soul, to expand its depth and lose the risk of being unsustainable and shallow.  I'm so far from where I want to be but I take comfort the Lord knows my name, He knows my heart.... and that's all that really matters.

-Alicia

The Vain Things of This World

A young women shared on Facebook the other day that she had just finished writing in her eighth journal.  It inspired me to be more diligent with my own writing. I wish with all my heart that I could say I recorded as much as she did when I was in high school.  (Honestly though, the stuff I wrote at that age is pretty embarrassing to say the least... so maybe it's for the better.) ;)

After I was married, I kept more of a consistent record.   The other night out of curiosity, I pulled a couple of my old journals off the shelf and spent an hour reading.  I feel grateful for what I have written but still wish I had recorded more .  While flipping through the pages, I stumbled across this entry about a dream I had in July of 2009.  It caught my eye because I've been thinking a lot about dreams lately and how they work in our lives.  I've only had a handful of them through the years that have left a deep enough impression on me to capture them with my journal or retell them.  I'm so thankful I wrote this one down because I forgot all about it.

I've been thinking about the interpretation of this one all day.  I believe there's a powerful lesson to be learned from it and I take it like a warning to me as a daughter of Zion, just as the scripture found in Isaiah 3:16-24 proclaims.

...........

7-13-2009
I had a strange dream last night.  I was looking around at a yard sale and found a old-fashioned vanity.  It was slightly taller than me, with cabinet doors that opened to a large mirror on the inside.  Make-up and perfume stacked in painted fancy bottles were arranged on the shelves and in the drawers. I gazed into the mirror at my reflection and to my horror watched it begin to age very rapidly and then crumble to dust.  I turned away in disbelief, shaking my head at what I just saw.  I looked back at my appearance in the mirror just to be certain I didn't imagine it.  Again the horrible reflection aged within seconds and then crumbled to dust.  "What is going on?!  I thought, "This vanity is evil!"  

There were other women at the yard sale.  I ran to some of them and asked if they would come and look at this and tell me if they saw the same thing.  The small crowd of women gathered around as I opened the cabinet doors to show them the mirror inside.  Sure enough, as I looked at my reflection, it crumbled again from rapid aging into dust.  
"Did you see that?! Did you see what happened to my reflection?!"  I said, pointing to the glass. 
The women standing around me answered, "No, we didn't see anything strange." They all agreed with each other, "Yeah, nothing happened, it was just a normal reflection."  
They all walked away irritated and gossiped among themselves that there was something wrong with me.  I stood there alone by the vanity and found a looking glass faced-down on the table among the perfume and bottles.  I wondered as I picked it up if it would do the same thing.  When I turned it toward me, I witnessed my image decay again.  Disgusted and utterly terrified, I threw the looking glass down on the ground like it was some sort of poisonous spider, "It's pure evil!!" I shouted.  I awoke in a panic until I realized I had only been dreaming.  I took a deep breath and tried to get back to sleep but couldn't help but think of all that happened.  I thought to myself that there must be a moral to learn from it.

As I lay there pondering, I remembered some counsel in my patriarchal blessing; 

"Now when you leave this life, you leave the vain things of this world, Alicia.  But there are many things that you won't leave - you'll take them with you and they'll become your eternal possession.  It's like storing up your treasures in heaven where moth nor rust doth decay.  You'll take all of the personality. You'll take all of the truth.  You'll take all of the knowledge.  You'll take all of the character. You'll take all of the virtue and the understanding of these sacred things and your sacred relationship with God and His Son, Jesus Christ."  

I thought about the words "leave the vain things of this world".  Vain means "hollow, pointless, no purpose."  It's interesting that it was a "vanity" in my dream.

...........

Reading this entry reminded me of a fireside I attended in college at the Salt Lake Tabernacle.  I can't remember who spoke but I remember them saying that our physical appearance, no matter who we are will reach a peak and then go downhill.  There is no investment of time or money, wardrobes, makeovers, fashion consultants, work out routines or diet, that will stop our physical bodies from deteriorating.  Yes, some things may slow the process down but eventually we will all turn to dust.  On the other hand, our spirit, the substance of who we really are doesn't have a limit of beauty.  There's no peak that it reaches before it begins to drop out.  Our soul will never grow old and actually has the potential to grow more beautiful and bright with every passing day, long after this life is over and into eternity.  It cannot be faked or worn as a mask.  It has nothing to do with appearances or the outward show.  It's all about the sincere focus of the heart.

"Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:  But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:  For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light." - Matthew 6:19-22

I pray the Lord will help me recognize when I am getting caught up in the vain things of this world and save me from myself.  I pray I will learn to focus more on those things that matter most and lay up treasures in heaven.

-Alicia

The Gift of Charity

The three-part series of books Elder David A. Bednar has written, all come with an interactive CD with segments corresponding to each chapter.  Being out of school for a semester, I'm able to dive back into this study and it's been so great!  This morning as I was listening to some of these segments and I was particularly struck by this discussion Elder Bednar had with a woman in the audience.  

Woman:    In your book, “Act in Doctrine”, you talk about that ultimately the gift of Charity posses us – we don’t posses it.  How do we know if Charity is possessing us?

Elder Bednar:    You’ll have to listen carefully to this answer –ok.  It will strike a little abruptly - given  the nature of your question.  
I really believe that the more we have [charity], the more we quit wondering if we have it...  We get in a mode of  “I want to get this” and I would suggest that the very mode of “I want to get this” gets in the way of us getting it... It's a turn to the Savior because we’re trying to get this but there’s a little bit of looking back.  A spiritual gift like Charity is when it’s about blessing somebody else, it’s not about us being able to say “yeah, I got this”… the more we get out of the way, the more it can be brought to us.

I believe what Elder Bednar is teaching here is the same concept C.S. Lewis illustrates about humility when the Satan figure in his book, Uncle Screwtape, is teaching his nephew, Wormwood, how to destroy a Christian;

"Your patient has become humble; have you drawn his attention to the fact? All virtues are less formidable to us once the man is aware that he has them, but this is especially true of humility. Catch him at the moment when he is really poor in spirit and smuggle into his mind the gratifying reflection, 'By jove! I’m being humble', and almost immediately pride—pride at his own humility—will appear. If he awakes to the danger and tries to smother this new form of pride, make him proud of his attempt—and so on, through as many stages as you please"

The Lord wants us to seek after the gift of Charity, in fact we are commanded to "pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that we may be filled with this love" (Moroni 7:48)  But in order for it to be bestowed, our "eye must be single to the glory of God" and it must not be exploited to get personal gain, to "look good, or appear good" or to glorify ourselves in any way.  Our hearts must be sincere and our motives must be pure.  

"True meekness has a metabolism that actually requires very little praise or recognition—of which there is usually such a shortage anyway. Most of the time, the sponge of selfishness quickly soaks up everything in sight, including praise intended for others." - Elder Neal A. Maxwell

I think the same can be said about true charity.

Elder Maxwell warns, "Be careful of the natural man’s milder expressions—craving for credit and rustling for recognition. Alas, so often the hearts and even the moral agency of others can be crushed in the search for self-glorification."

C. S. Lewis explained this teaching of the Savior: “The moment you have a self at all, there is a possibility of putting yourself first—wanting to be the centre—wanting to be God, in fact. That was the sin of Satan"

President Gordon B. Hinckley would say, “He who lives only unto himself withers and dies, while he who forgets himself in the service of others grows and blossoms in this life and in eternity.”

This is what I want to learn - to forget mySELF, but I must remember “that the very mode of ‘I want to get this’ gets in the way of [me] getting it…. A spiritual gift like Charity is when it’s about blessing somebody else" The whole entire idea of "self" must be taken out of the equation.

I think a great talk to go with these thoughts I've had today was given in April 2009 by Dallin H. Oaks - "Unselfish Service"  I'm so thankful for the wisdom and counsel of these wise men who have been called of God to help keep me in the right way.  I need their guidance.  

-Alicia

This is how...

In our ward scripture study this morning we read the great lament of Mormon when he cries for his people “O ye fair ones, how could ye have departed from the ways of the Lord… how could ye have rejected that Jesus… how is it that ye could have fallen!” Mormon 6:17-19

“They were once a delightsome people and they had Christ for their shepherd…. but now they are led about by Satan.” - Mormon 5:17-18

HOW?  

This is how….

4 Nephi - Mormon 4

• began to be lifted up in pride, the wearing of costly apparel, and … all manner of the fine things of the world. (their “appearance” mattered most) - 4 Ne. 1:24
• had their goods no more common among them (caught up in competition or selfish indulgence) - 4 Ne. 1:25
• began to be divided into classes (they became “clicky”)  - 4 Ne. 1:26
• they built up churches unto themselves (more concerned about having “followers” than being a disciple of Christ.)  - 4 Ne. 1:26
• began to deny the true church (it became “inconvenient” for their “lifestyle”) - 4 Ne. 1:26
• they hardened their hearts (this is what happens when pure love or charity is absent) - 4 Ne. 1:34
• led by many priests and false prophets - (people who made them feel “comfortable” in their iniquities and in their view of the "inconvenient gospel")  - 4 Ne. 1:34
• they smote the people of Jesus (this could also mean verbal “smack”) - 4 Ne. 1:34
• they did dwindle in unbelief (no faith- no action - leads to less and less believing and more and more wickedness) - 4 Ne. 1:34
• eventually they did willfully rebel and taught their children that they should not believe (by their words and by their example) - 4 Ne. 1:38
• hated the things of God and taught their children to hate it too  - 4 Ne. 1:39
• built up secret combinations  - 4 Ne. 1:42
• proud in their hearts - filled with vanity  - 4 Ne. 1:43
• wanted nothing to do with the Lord’s beloved disciples  - Mormon 1:13
• sorrowed that the Lord would not suffer them to take happiness in sin  - Mormon 2:13
• didn’t recognize the Lord  - Mormon 3:3
• boasted in their own strength  - Mormon 3:9
• boasted of their own strength  - Mormon 4:8
• repented not but persisted in wickedness continually  - Mormon 4:10

As I read these things a couple of talks from the Elder Jeffrey R. Holland came to my mind on how to prevent this downfall:

"And as you labor to know [God] and to know that He knows you; as you invest your time—and inconvenience—in quiet, unassuming service, you will indeed find that “his angels [have] charge concerning thee: and in their hands they shall bear thee up.” (Matt. 4:6.) It may not come quickly. It probably won’t come quickly, but there is purpose in the time it takes. Cherish your spiritual burdens because God will converse with you through them and will use you to do his work if you carry them well." - Jeffrey R. Holland - The Inconvenient Messiah

The Cost and Blessings of Discipleship