February 2018

You see these two girls here on either side of Miriam?... These two girls live at our house. My foster daughter even thinks they are her sisters. On Feb. 2nd we have the tradition of watching Groundhog Day starring Bill Murray. These two girls in the photo above were at our house as usual that night. We were looking for some fun cooking ideas together and found this cute little groundhog no-bake cookie recipe. They are designed in such a way that you can actually make the groundhog pop up and down out of the hole. The girls dusted some powdered sugar to give it a nice winter effect. They were too adorable to eat. We had so much fun playing with our food. :)

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My sister, Amy, works as a recreational therapist in a nursing home. On Valentines Day, me and my three youngest kids surprised her with roses, strawberry covered chocolates, and heart decorations on her desk. Kaylee played the piano and Micah played his fiddle for the residents. My sister loved it.

Amy put together a great Valentine show for her residents too. She provided them with refreshments, entertainment and even hired an Elvis impersonator! How cool is that?!! 

One of the residents loves to dance, so Amy danced with her to Unchained Melody.  I love seeing my sister with the elderly and disabled. This is where people really see what I'm talking about when I say - She is wonderful!!  Amy has always been an example of compassion and Christ-like love to me. 

(I just wish she could see her own worth and infinite value. She doesn't see that....which is why she's stuck in an abusive alcoholic relationship. Oh, my heart aches for her.)

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Joseph and I went shooting for a romantic date night. I didn't do too bad for my FIRST time EVER. It's kinda freaky to fire a gun - I mean it was for me at least.
I got a little more used to it by the end of the evening. Joseph did awesome!!!

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My nephew, Bryson, got married. He's the first out of the 30+ something grandchildren (I loose count) to get married. Our little bonus child was excited to see another temple up close. She loves the temple song and wants me to sing it to her at night.  I have a necklace that has the Provo City Center Temple on it - I bought itfrom my friend's shop. She LOVES it when I where that necklace. She must already feel the beautiful spirit of that place.

While at the reception, my incredibly smart and talented brother-in-law, Allan, unveiled his new business, SNAP-estry. We were some of his first test subjects. He hasn't launched it to the public yet. It's an instant wedding registry where you text a number to get started, snap your photo, and write congratulations, memories, or marriage tips to the bride and groom, and they play instantly on a screen to music during the reception. It's really, really cool!  I mean really cool! 

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Micah lost his pet hamster. She died in her sleep. I felt so bad for Micah because he adored his little pet and took such great care of her. He got her last year for his birthday. She may have just been older when we bought her, we really don't know when she was born. Rodents don't last very long anyway. Cute ADORABLE Micah did a funeral service for her though and handled everything amazingly well. 

Rest in Peace, Muffin 

2017 - 2018

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Speaking of adorableness.... Micah designed a story board map for our little girl so he could tell her princess stories. He drew the map with shapes using Power Point - I absolutely love the names he chose for the different places. 

Priceless!! I couldn't stop smiling. 

Then to make his story even more fun for our girl, he made finger puppets of a princess and a fairy. He laid in bed next to her for her nap time and entertained her with his creations. He is going to make the most wonderful daddy someday. What a sweetheart!!

Foster Care - When the Honeymoon Stage is Over

The honeymoon stage is over, with our foster child. I guess I should have expected it. Every parent talks about the boundary-pushing stages, the irrational demands, tantrums, pushing away, and clinging obsessively. I know it's not her fault though. These are natural emotional struggles for foster children trying to process what has happened to their lives.

They have lost so much trust in the people they should have been able to trust the most. They're insecure, wondering when it will happen again, when will the next person they love leave them. As they begin to feel comfortable, to feel loved, to feel safe, it's almost as if something deep inside them stops them from attaching too much. They've been hurt too badly to allow that to happen again... So...they test you to the limit... and I mean to the limit. They want to know you are truly going to stay no matter what.

The first experiences with my other foster daughter who was the exact same age as my current one were traumatic for my husband and I. She acted out in so much uncontrollable violence, with regular screaming fits lasting for hours on a daily basis that my husband and I were left feeling like we had been through a war zone each night we'd finally lay down to rest.. When she moved out and eventually went back home to her mom, we could eerily hear her screaming still even though she'd moved away months before. It was like it had been imprinted on our brains.

This trauma trying to help this former foster child did two things to us:
One - it positively affected us... it made us much more grateful and appreciative for our current foster daughter, even her bad behavior isn't as bad because she at least calms down after five or ten minutes.
And two - it negatively affected us...when our current foster daughter even hints toward such behavior as our other girl, we can feel the anxiety trigger in us. We start to fear it could grow into what we had before. We know she's not the same and it's not fair to even compare the two. It still triggers that anxiety though.

We plan to adopt this little one we have now. Her grandparents want to adopt her too. We don't know if they will be able to convince the judge that they are a good fit though. They don't have much time left before we can apply for adoption. They've had some issues in the last few months I had to report to the attorneys - which sadly resulted in a restriction of visits from them.

Our little girl puts her grandparents on a pedestal though. They have raised her since birth...in her mind, they are perfect and could never do any wrong. She grieves their absence through outbursts of screaming or crying in unprovoked circumstances. It's hard in those moments to step back and truly understand what is going through her young 3-yr-old mind. How is she trying to piece it all together, how is she interpreting the loss?

We'll see her play out her frightening memories with her toys; the doll is her, she plays the grandma, and the stuffed bear plays the police man. The stuffed bear [police man] picks up the doll [her] and starts to walk away... while she cries out to the bear, "My baby, my baby, don't take my baby." It's extremely heart-wrenching. Every time I ask her about this role play that she does on occasion, she'll say, "Last night, the police took me and brought me to your house." She relives the day she was removed from her home like it was yesterday. It's a terrible scar!

 Does she blame herself? Does she blame us? Does she blame her grandparents? I'm sure there's a little of all of this.

Foster care is interesting. It's not what I painted in my mind. It's definitely more challenging that I ever realized, even the good times. But I trust in the experiences of others who have traveled this road before us.... to keep going. It will be beautiful and wonderful in the end.


I really appreciated this article I read the other day. https://www.thefosteringnetwork.org.uk/blogs/cathy-glass/honeymoon-period

It's all about LOVE

Happy Valentine's Day! It's hard to believe we're already this far into the year. Time is flying by!

I want my children and family to know that I absolutely love my life (the good, the bad, and the ugly - the challenges and the blessings). I'm grateful for so many learning experiences - I love it all!

I haven't spent much time writing lately. With my schedule, I feel like I need to make "oxygen choices" (if you know what I mean) selecting those things that matter the very most.  When I look back on my life, I want to know that I spent it doing good not just talking about it.

I feel like I'm busier than I've ever been with my school, my calling, neighbors who need outreach, foster care, DCFS appointments, family members in need... you name it!  There's so much work to be done and too many distractions in today's world.

I don't want to miss simple opportunities for meaningful time with my husband and with our kids before they all fly away.  I don't want to miss simple opportunities to help a friend or neighbor in need because I'm too busy.  Life is fulfilling and rich  when actively living and loving the way that our Savior did -- not just talking or posting about it.

I'm so grateful to my Father in Heaven for blessing me with the knowledge of the restored Gospel. Without such truth, I couldn't make it through anything in my life. There's so much good to be shared! So much love that needs to be given! So much to be done!

LET'S DO IT! :)
-Alicia

I adore this video. Such a perfect example of what this life is all about! 

So important to remember on this day of LOVE!

Seventy Times Seven

The Lord said: “Ye ought to forgive one another; for he that forgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.” (D&C 64:9).

My scripture and gospel study these past few days has centered on "forgiving others." How often do we hear that in order to receive forgiveness from God, we need to repent? (here’s just a few examples -Mosiah 27:24,  Alma 5:31, Moses 6:57)

Soooo…..shouldn’t others who have offended us do the same before we forgive them? Shouldn’t others who have hurt us apologize before we begin extending mercy and kindness to them?

I don’t believe so.

In fact, God has said, "I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men." (D&C 64:10).

Of us, it is required to forgive ALL men… This implies that we forgive regardless if others admit their wrong to us or not, regardless if they are sorry.  WHY?

Because when we hold on to grudges, hate, or bitterness (no matter how big or small - and no matter how justified we might feel)- it robs us from having peace in our hearts, it robs us from feeling the Spirit, from feeling Christ-like love for others, it destroys us. Healing comes from letting go of these things, from turning over to God, from allowing the atonement to be in our lives and in others.

- Alicia

Forgive Seventy Times Seven

Throwback Thursday

I've been revisiting this talk over and over this past week. I feel like our culture needs a good refresher on these principles. So many of our young people are falling away from the truth, even many of the older generations are too. It's heartbreaking.

The Cost-and Blessings of Discipleship

by, Elder Holland

Eyes to See

In the last week, my neighbor, Mariah, and my good friend, Adrienne, both have asked me how it is possible to maintain a clear view of myself and of God in today's world, especially when I make mistakes or life goes wrong.  (I think it's funny I'd be ask this question twice in one week, at two completely different occasions from two totally unrelated people.)

Both times, I inquired if I gave off the impression that I somehow always have a strong heavenly optimistic perspective of myself, of life, and of God. They seemed to believe I did.

I sort-of laughed because life for me is not a steady flow of spiritual enlightenment. I loose focus all the time. I battle all too often with my insecurities, with my unattractive flaws, with my lack of education and refinement. I struggle to forgive those who have hurt me. I have wished sometimes for a different upbringing, a different life. And as far as spirituality goes; I have more moments than I'd like to admit where my scripture study is completely flat and I feel totally uninspired. I have my ups and downs. Life for me is not this constant high. I have to get "back on track" all the time.

In today's world, I make it a point to stay clear of social media unless I have a specific purpose to check in on a friend, family member, or post on our Relief Society group. Other than that, I try to keep off.

Also, prayer is my first language. No matter how ridiculously broken I might feel, I say a prayer wherever I am. I know God cares, that He'll help me. He always has. He always does. He always will.

It also helps for me to forget myself. To find someone who is in greater need and do something for them.

I guess my answer to both of my friends is faith. It takes faith to trust that we are all children of worth, children of God who cares enough about us to hear our prayers and the silent pleadings of our hearts - especially in a world that is constantly telling us otherwise.

We must recognize and admit that in this journey called life, we are blind. Our vision is impaired in various ways. But God see's all. He will guide us with the words of Truth, the words of Christ - And we have Prophet's on the earth who are Seers for us - (See - ers) because they have been called by Him to guide us.

"For we know in part, and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away. When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known." - 1 Corinthians 13:9-12

When we have faith, it doesn't mean that we always see clearly - it means that we trust God does. It doesn't mean our perspective can't get thrown off - it means when it does (and it inevitably will) we will know where to turn to get it back again. In every gospel principle and truth - It takes faith to keep moving, when you don't feel like moving. It takes faith to reach out and serve others (especially in our family) when we don't feel like reaching out or serving.  It takes faith to forgive when we don't want to forgive. It takes faith to keep praying, when you don't feel like praying. It takes faith to keep believing, when you feel like the heaven's are closed.

-Alicia

Last Sunday

The Relief Society lesson was just about to start. It was my turn to conduct the meeting and I was turning the time over to our instructor. No sooner than I sat down, I heard the sound of someone hocking a loogie out in the hall. That's not a usual sound in church so I looked up.  A man in casual dress and a heavy coat was coming to our Relief Society room. He stopped and stood in the doorway just staring at the women. I couldn't see his full appearance from where I was sitting but I had a terrible feeling.

I stood up, walked to the back of the room, approaching the man, "Can I help you?" That's when I got a closer look at him. He was about five inches taller than me. His head was shaved, he had three letters tattooed over his right eyebrow, a piercing on his left brow, and a couple of names tattooed with gangster cursive on his neck. His coat was thick, covering the rest of his arms and body. He was terribly restless and upset. I tried to see what he was there for but he just kept saying things that didn't make any sense. Clearly, he was angry.

"You guys did this to me!!! Your people keep putting me in the hospital and I don't want to deal with it anymore!!! Stop putting me in the hospital! You guys did this to my mother too! It's not fair, man! I don't want to be trouble, man. I'm innocent. I'm innocent. You guys won't believe me!" He said some other things too but honestly, nothing was cohesive. He hocked another loogie onto the floor. I think he was high on something. Unsure of what his intentions were, I encouraged him to walk with me down the hall and away from the end of the building where the women and primary children meet. My intention was to walk him toward the chapel where I was sure the brethren met so I could "call for back-up".

I asked him what he meant by "you guys".
He couldn't give a clear answer. I didn't want to aggravate him.

As we walked, I noticed he had some items he was fidgeting with inside his coat. Outwardly, I was completely calm. Inwardly, I was thinking, "Crap! This guy might have a gun!!" I tried to focus on what was in his hands. It was only a lighter and a canister of some sort - Still, they could be dangerous. Wondering what he was planning on doing with the items, I kept alert.  I looked into the chapel and didn't see any brethren there. No one seemed to be in the Stake offices either. I said a silent prayer that Heavenly Father would send some brethren out to help me.

I felt impressed to touch him on the shoulder and tell him he would be okay. "You are loved." I said over several times. His expression changed and he started weeping. I continued, "It's okay, I know you are hurting right now. You are scared but it's going to be okay." I put my arm half-way around him giving a side hug. I suppose that gesture was a little risky on my part and totally unexpected by him. But I also knew he would be lest likely to try something violent if I could keep him from going back to his rant.He started crying and asked as he sobbed, "What is your name?"
"Alicia." I said.
"Thank you, Alicia." He cried some more.  "I love you Alicia." He laid his head on my shoulder.

At that moment, my silent prayer from earlier was answered, the Bishop and his two counselors came into the foyer where the man and I were standing. I felt absolutely relieved, grateful "back-up" had arrived. Their presence brought me a great deal of comfort.

The stranger spit another loogie on the church floor. Brother Anderson ordered him to clean it up which made the man agitated.  I stepped out of the way. The brethren asked where he was from or if he had a place to stay. He answered in more fragmented unrelated sentences. The only part I understood was when he started talking about some gang he's involved in.

I noticed another sister in the foyer while all of this had been unfolding. I had been oblivious to her because I was so focused on this man. And she was oblivious to the possible danger of our visitor. She had seen me with him but she just thought, "Oh there's Sister Rawlins hugging and talking with someone again." She only discovered the trouble after the brethren had arrived and I sat down next to her and explained what was going on. I told her that we had better leave and go back to the Relief Society room, just to be safe.

I was so happy that this woman was there though! She has been struggling with her belief in God and this was an opportunity for me to share how my prayer was answered within only a few seconds in the scene that had just unfolded. Because of the danger of the situation, she also willingly came with me back to Relief Society (a place she has avoided for months.) We arrived with only five minutes left of class.

She called me after our family arrived home from church. She thanked me for being brave with the man. She wanted to visit again and asked if she and her husband could bring some food over to our house. "Of course!" I thanked her. We were soon enjoying a pleasant evening of conversation, laughter, and friendship. I reflected later that night how wonderful the Lord is. I had been pleading and praying for opportunities to open up with this very sister. I didn't expect that opportunity to come the way it did. But I'm glad.