Dealing With Suicide - A Letter From My Uncle 2-21-2023

Uncle Robert 

Memorial Day can be especially emotional and difficult for those who have lost loved ones in a tragic or sudden way. 

The following is a letter my Uncle Rob shared with me back in February this year.  We had been chatting, sharing some family memories at my grandma's funeral. Rob knew I was spending the weekend with my best friend for her 50th birthday in February. He knew how her son died and felt like he could relate with her really well and that a letter might help. He said it was healing for him to write out his feelings especially because this was his first attempt since his son's suicide in 2017. I've always loved my Uncle Rob and I appreciate his willingness to share something so difficult and personal.

"Alicia, I hope and pray that this might offer some help.  Love you.

First of all just note the following because I often don’t think I’ve got something  worthwhile to say, but maybe my experience here might be helpful, and I hope so. I don’t think I’ve ever been a real emotionally healthy guy partly due to the time era in which I was born, and for my upbringing, or lack of it. But right after Jordan’s death and for some-time after, my emotions were really messed up. I’ve been frustrated and even upset with God for this last decade beginning in August of 2010 and on with a separation and divorce, the death of Jordan, Phillip in and out of jail, etc., just to mention a few of many detrimental events that I won’t mention here now.

I have been understanding that this might be the only way or the best way for me to learn though, to heal

 and become better in so many ways. I finally see God’s hand in it all and now I just pray that I can hopefully learn better and faster. Somethings I catch on fast and others not so much. I’ve got a long way to go but I do have a little faith and I can’t and won’t give up. That’s just something that no matter what else someone may have already done, you can’t put them through that again. I really do hope what I say here might be able to help another who may have lost a loved one through suicide.

 

When Jordan had come back to the states he and his wife (Brittany) purchased a home in Kansas City, Missouri . But it wasn’t too long after and they were going through their divorce. It was also Brittany’s choice and not Jordan’s so it was pretty tough on him as well. I flew back to KC and could tell Jordan was drinking. Brittany had already moved out and he was alone and depressed. He was trying to make it not look as bad as it was I believe. I helped him move to Utah as Liz and Brett had invited him to come there until he could get his feet back on the ground and start moving forward. When I helped him move back I was still living in Boise at the time but he took me to the airport so I could then fly back to Boise.

Jordan Lee Manwill 1986-2017
https://memorialutah.com/obituaries/jordan-lee-manwill/

 

He moved in with Liz and Brett and we were all hoping he could pursue his education and move forward with a better life. But not long just a few months afterwards I got a call from Brett, telling me that Jordan was “using” again and it had to stop. Jordan was drinking and using heroin in their house. When he was in Afghanistan before coming back to the states is where he tried heroin for the first time. It was high quality, plentiful and cheap there. He was a good guy though. He had been offered the Purple Heart twice and turned it down both times. I think he didn’t like what he had to do to earn those.

 

I’ve come to realize through my son’s experience within the military that if you’re not an alcoholic when you join, your commanding officers will do their best to make you one. That along with the horrors those guys see, it’s no wonder so many have PTSD and then “use” to get by. Jordan was kind but I also had no idea that he was an adrenaline junkie much more than I ever realized until after his death. He had his rotary wing license (helicopter) that he earned privately in Boise before the military. But when he joined, he said that he wanted to be there on the ground with all the guys and the action and fighting, not flying. But I don’t think he had an idea as to how much it would affect him negatively later on with PTSD.

 

Jordan loved the less advantaged and loved all animals. He had a big heart and was always rooting for the little guy. But I also understood Brett and Liz when they said they weren’t allowing the drugs and alcohol in their house and Brett had just called me after letting Jordan know the ultimatum once again, and was then wondering what he should do next. He wanted my advice if he should call the police or not because he had been warned before. I told Brett that I thought he probably didn’t have any other choice. He and Liz both had told Jordan before that wasn’t allowed in their house. But Jordan had another idea and while I was still on the phone with Brett, Jordan went down in their basement and grabbed a gun out of his footlocker and then went into the backyard so he didn’t make a mess in their house, and then he put the gun to his head.

 

Brett started yelling “Oh no!” over the phone and I didn’t know for sure what was going on but then he told me. I was standing there in my office in Boise and I went numb. All I could think in my initial thoughts was denial and that he’ll be okay. They will get him to the hospital and he will be okay. But it was too severe and too late. It’s been one of if not the toughest thing I’ve ever had to go through.

 

When someone takes their own life it’s a different kind of death for the family to handle. It’s not one that most can understand until you experience it yourself. It’s not a club you want to become a member of, but yet you really can’t understand until you are a member of that club*. It’s so different than dying from an illness, an accident or from just old age. It always leaves everyone within the family and close friends, the unwilling new members of the club, wondering what they could have done differently or said before, and that feeling really doesn’t go away too easily for a long time.

 

It really hurts and messes with your emotions for way too long. I highly recommend some good and thoughtful counseling. I also highly recommend having faith in a loving Heavenly Father and Mother who know all and want to comfort us all that we will allow them to do. Grieve, cry, and talk about it anytime if and when you need. That advice really needs to be heeded by guys too and especially because we’re taught to not cry or show emotions as much. But do it. Let it out and let it go. But even that can be hard at times because you might just start crying while you’re around others and your first reaction is that you don’t want that to happen.

 

There were so many of Jordan’s own fellow troops and military buddies that showed up to his funeral that we had a hard time fitting everyone in for his service.  There was a lot left standing off to the sides and in the isles. They had traveled from many different states to be there for him. He was my first son, the one dads always make the most mistakes with. I really miss him even though that was over five years ago.

 

He’s been gone now since July of 2017 but in September of 2018 I decided that I needed to get back to church.  It had been a few years of me being inactive.  I was sitting in church within the overflow area between the chapel and the cultural hall. It was the beginning of Sacrament meeting and I was just enjoying the prelude music when all of the sudden I looked up on the rostrum and saw Jordan standing there behind the bishop, where the choir would be sitting. He was looking right at me and then I heard him speak even though it seemed to me that his mouth didn’t move and no one else could hear him, but it was so audible and so clear and penetrating to me. 

He only said two words but they were the best advice I believe that I’ve ever had.  He simply said “let go” and then he was gone.  Those two words have had so many different perspectives and have been so deep that it’s almost hard to imagine.  First of all I had to let go of him.  I had to let go of the things I was having a hard time with like my ex, his mother and all that I had blamed her for.  I had to let go of ways that I dealt with things that were wrong just because of a messed up childhood. I could go on forever with things that I need to let go of and to rely upon God for help. I had to let go and to let God play a much stronger role in my life. 

 

I guess one other thing I could mention when it comes to losing someone so close through suicide is this following +article below.  We often don’t realize what others we love so much are going through at times or just too often. There was even an individual or two at Jordan’s funeral that mentioned because he took his own life that he would be punished in the hereafter for that.  I just took it that they really didn’t know, and that I am grateful for us all to be judged by those that are capable of doing the judging, and not another flawed earthly being like me. I know and the rest of the family knows that Jordan is okay and he is happy and with those that we all love and that have gone on before us. I just hope and pray that anyone else in similar circumstances might be able to use some of this information. I know how they feel and what they have and are going through and I pray for them too.

 - Uncle Rob"

P.S. Alicia, There was actually a club a few years ago called LOSS (Lost Ones Survivors of Suicide). They had meetings each month that were held at Intermountain Hospital in Murray, the same place in which Jordan was rushed to but also pronounced dead upon arrival. It wasn’t a bad support group and was usually chaired by a trained “survivors of suicide” counselor.

+A Perspective on Suicide

June 4, 2014 By Shawna Morrissey

 Before you read this post, I want to make it very clear that suicide is NOT the answer. Your life is precious.  If you are struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts, PLEASE SEEK HELP!   This post was in no way meant to glorify suicide or offer it as a viable solution to any problem.  Rather, it was written to aid those left behind to understand, to forgive and to heal.......

...The bishop’s words at Jay’s funeral gave me comfort at the time.  Jay had not been accountable, but I sensed there was deeper significance in his words, “Suicide was not a choice he made, but rather a choice he happened onto when his pain was greater than his ability to cope.”

Just last year, I had a clarifying experience—an experience that helped me to understand suicide a little better and led me to believe that it is really an expression of the deepest human desire to survive.

My family was watching a documentary on the 9/11 terrorist attacks and for the first time, I saw footage of someone jumping from the window of one of the twin towers.  All at once, I understood what Jay’s bishop had meant.  The person was not jumping from the building to die, but rather to escape the intense and consuming flames.  Nobody would accuse that person of being selfish or of giving up on life.

Jay was inside a figurative burning building and he happened upon an exit.  His deep need to survive caused him to take it.  Many who turn to suicide are in physical, emotional or spiritual pain.  I don’t think they seek death.  Instead, they seek escape, so that their identity and intelligence can survive.

Ever since my experience with Jay, I have felt compassion and a connection to those left in the wake of such a suicide.   It is intensely agonizing for surviving loved ones.  Not only do we mourn the loss of someone dear to us, but we also feel the pain of sorrow and of guilt.  We wish we could have made a difference.  We feel anger at their betrayal and our perception of their selfishness.  We fear that all is lost.  But, in my experience, if we are willing to soften our hearts, over time we realize that we are forgiven, that they were not selfish and that all is not lost.

Jay’s bishop said one other thing that has stuck with me all these years.  He said, “Christ did not call Jay home in this manner.  But I can testify that He did welcome him home.”

I share these thoughts not at all in support of suicide, but rather to encourage loving remembrance and complete forgiveness of those we have lost to it. And to inspire us to reach out and touch with love each person with whom we interact, for God’s love spread through many hands may quench a fire we cannot see.

  

Week 13 of Hortolândia - "Transfers"

This Monday was Memorial Day, after visiting our parent's graves the day before - Joseph and I had the privilege to spend the weekend with our friends, Cory and Suzanne Nimer. They were able to join in on the video chat for part of the time with Miriam and that was awesome! 

Miriam got a new companion in the middle of last week, Sister Alves. Even though the Mission President made that change, Miriam doesn't really have to say goodbye to her old companion, Sister Casperson, because they only moved her to the companionship that shares Miriam's same apartment complex. They are literally just down a few doors and will still see each other all the time. She's grateful for that. Her new companion, Sister Alves, is very nice and pretty laid back. Unfortunately, when we talked to Miriam yesterday she said Sister Alves had thrown up five times throughout the night. Hopefully she'll recover soon. 

Here's the letter and pictures Miriam sent out. 👇

 "Well a new transfer has commenced to begin. I'm staying in my area, **Rosolém, but with a new companion, Sister Alves. It's a little stressful being the guide now because she doesn't know the area, but it should be a good time. 

I made cinnamon rolls with Sister Casperson this past week, and we discovered real quick that we're just a pair of doidinhas [crazy girls]. She started throwing everything together, and what started out as a quest to make a good handful of cinnamon rolls for an inactive member turned into a frenzy as we tried to figure out where to put nearly 50 rapidly growing cinnamon rolls. On top of that, we ran of flour and had to run to this little store in the apartment premises to buy more. But our cards weren't working so we started to sprint back to the apartment when the owner stopped us and asked us what we needed. He ended up buying the flour for us. 

We had a really good lesson with Cicero Tuesday about the power and authority of God in the Church. He wanted to understand how we could be so bold as to tell him flat out that his baptism in another church was invalid. It was quite the experience trying to explain this to him. Fortunately, he wasn't being confrontational; he was asking a genuine question. By the end of the lesson, what we were saying seemed to be registering with him. 

Well, that's all I've got for this email because really I spent this past week mostly freaking out about transfers. But I did find a quote from Joseph Smith I really like. It's just a reminder to me that this work and everything happening in the world is in the hands of God, and we can do literally nothing to frustrate His plan because He is all-powerful and all-wise:

 'No unhallowed hand can stop the work from progressing; persecutions may rage, mobs may combine, armies may assemble, calumny may defame, but the truth of God will go forth boldly, nobly, and independent, till it has penetrated every continent, visited every clime, swept every country, and sounded in every ear, till the purposes of God shall be accomplished and the Great Jehovah shall say the work is done.'"

**Miriam often calls the area she's in Rosolém and she's not wrong because that is the city her apartment is in ....but her apartment is just outside the city boundary for Hortolândia. Technically Rosolém is just where they sleep. And Hortolândia is where they do all their work, where they go to church and do all of their tracting. 

Micah!!

May has been a busy month for Micah! On the 5th, he celebrated his 18th birthday. 

The very first thing he did was run down to Gunnies and buy himself a Colt lever-action rifle replica from the 1800s. Afterwards, we took him to Texas Roadhouse for dinner and the following week we took all our guns shooting near West Mountain.

Fun fact about Micah: He loves history! His three most favorite heroes are -George Washington, Porter Rockwell, and The prophet, Joseph Smith.

Amillia's, end-of-year performance at Canyon Grove Academy was on Tuesday this week. Her school has a petting zoo, a green house, and lots of gardens  on the property. After Amillia's performance, we spent some time enjoying the gardens, petting the bunnies, and laughing at the chickens. 

Micah's favorite animals are always the goats so we stopped to visit them for a while. It was at that time that Micah got a notification on his phone from the Church that his mission call was ready to be viewed. All he had to do was click on the button and he would have known right then where he was going. But he didn't read it, he just went right back to petting the goats. (He planned to wait a couple more days so that Miriam could listen in from Brazil when he read the letter. I've been impressed with his patience.) 

I got this picture of him right after he told us about the notification. He seemed to be filled to the brim with love and light! He is such an incredible young man!!!

This picture of Micah in the red suit was taken the evening of his Seminary graduation. The rest of the following pictures are from his high school graduation from Orem High.

He sent us this message while he was waiting through all of commencement speeches and performances.🤣

 "This party blows, not gonna lie." 

My brother, Keith, came to the graduation- which is nothing short of a miracle!!!  I haven't seen my brother since my mom passed away. Earlier in the day, I showed up at his daughter, Maggie's, graduation. It felt so wonderful to support each other! I'm so glad my brother is healing his relationship with my dad and coming around again. He's been sober for a year-and-a-half which has been an absolute miracle! Of course, it was fun for Micah to meet Keith after all of these years and he really loved my brother's cowboy hat!

👇Here's Micah reading his mission call!👇

He reports to Missionary Training on October 2nd!

Week 12 of Hortolândia - "I'll kill you!"

It was fun visiting with Miriam again yesterday! She seems to be doing so much better. I mentioned a little before that Miriam would get emotional and cry for days & days the first several weeks in the field. It got to the point that her companion, Sister Casperson, finally had the idea of making a "Gratitude Tree" and that has really helped. It's amazing how healing gratitude is!!

Here's Miriam's Email👇

 "Well, this is my last email before transfers and then everything changes. For one of our lunches this past week, we had to walk for nearly an hour to reach the house. 20 minutes of that was spent walking through a dusty construction site in direct sunlight. If this continues, I'll be a Brazilian babe in no time. At least on my feet, about 2 inches of my ankles, my arms, face, and neck. The rest, unfortunately, will remain whiter than sour cream. 

We ate Açaí again because I reached 4 months out on the mission on the 16th, and I discovered that I love drowning that stuff in granola, powdered milk, and bananas . We ate lunch with a recent convert, Eloisa, this week, too. Her first time feeding the missionaries! I discovered during this lunch that I really enjoy mandioca [or Yuca] (it's a vegetable). 

After the day's work drew to a close, we returned home and made chocolate chip cookies. Saturday was a day full of just way too much food. 

For lunch, I had my first churrasco (Brazilian Barbecue) with Vanderlei and Dayse. 

Directly after, we went and visited Mariane again and we made waffles together. 

Then, after three hours, we had family night with Gisele and Rodrigo, and they fed us Brazilian style hot dogs: hot dogs left to simmer in a tomato sauce, then you put corn, salsa, more meat, mashed potatoes, and potato chips on top. It was so good, but after that day, I never wanted to eat again.

 Sunday, we were simply walking down the road and this man approached us extremely fast and started talking to us. Something was very off about him to say the least. We politely greeted him, then Sister Casperson said that we had to go. He immediately snapped and began swearing at her and shouting, "I'LL KILL YOU!" We just kind of kept walking and he eventually stopped following us. 

So all's well."

Week 11 of Hortolândia- "This vanilla comes directly from Utah."

I was able to talk with Miriam two days in a row!! (On Mother's Day and the following day.) She had to speak in church for the first time a couple days ago. It was a small congregation and she spoke for five minutes but she had members tell her that she did a great job! She felt they were just being nice but I am sure she did fantastic! 

President Card, the mission president, announced that the Piracicaba, Brazil Mission will no longer be taking sister missionaries. I don't know how long it will be closed off to sisters. I'm also not sure if it's related to the last couple stories of sister companions being robbed at gun-point but I wouldn't doubt that is part of the reason.  

Speaking of sister missionaries, Sister Card (the mission president's wife), spent the entire P-day with all the sisters of the Piracicaba mission yesterday. I think Miriam said there were well over one hundred ladies.

And speaking of yesterday, here's the email Miriam sent. 👇The subject title she wrote for the email is, "This vanilla comes directly from Utah",  because Sister Batista in the cooking video kept saying all the ingredients were from Utah and it made Miriam laugh! Sister Batista is adorable!

"Another busy week! Today is Sisters' P Day, so this email will be a little shorter.

I did another division with Sister Batista this week. We stopped at a bakery and I made pancakes that night, which is what she's filming in the attached videos. 😂

I tried Snickers Maracujá (passionfruit) for the first time and it was fantastic, to say the least. 

Sister Casperson and I had breakfast in a bakery together. We ate Pão de Queijo and hot chocolate  After which we helped the Relief Society make brownies for mother's day.

MOTHER'S DAY! We had lunch yet again with Yvonne. She made a Venezuelan dish of pulled pork, black beans, rice, and fried plantains. 

My scripture thought for the week: Mosiah 2:41 - 'And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never-ending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it.'

The commandments we have received from God are not a restriction on our lives that make us miserable. Quite the opposite. Those who keep the commandments are far happier, free, and more blessed in this life and the life to come.

- Miriam"

Best Mother's Day News

It has been a wonderful Mother's Day so far. I think the best news for me today is to hear that my friend, Jenny, is pregnant. This is miraculous news especially because on April 5th this year her little boy, Dain, passed away. 

It has been so heartbreaking to watch her and her family grieve. Before Dain got sick and everything was going well, they felt their family was complete - so much so that her husband was even scheduled for a vasectomy.  When Dain's condition kept getting worse and they began facing the fact they were going to lose him, they decided to cancel her husband's surgery and try for another baby. 

I was absolutely overjoyed to hear the news today that Jenny is expecting! She finds out the baby's gender right around Dain's birthday in Aug. I don't think there is anything that could make me happier! I'm going to throw her the biggest baby shower this fall!! She's never had one before so this makes it even more fun to plan!

There is nothing more healing to the soul than holding and cradling a newborn child!

Week 10 of Hortolândia- [Subject Goes Here]

 Miriam's Letter 👇

This past week was pretty fantastic!

Sister Casperson and I made American Caramel popcorn for a ward activity on Tuesday. The members were a little skeptical about it at first, but once they started eating, they appeared to have a few difficulties stopping.

A new Açaí place opened a little while back, so naturally we had to make a stop there and give it a shot for Sister Casperson's 16 month anniversary.

The stake did a caravan to the temple with the purpose of showing it to investigators and less active members. One of our investigators - Cicero - went. So far, he's loving everything he's learning about the church at the moment. He's already pretty close with the Relief Society president's husband, Daniel, and many people in the ward know him. So, naturally the next step for us was to invite him to be baptized. 😁He accepted the 20th of May as a goal so...🤞🤞

What else...?

Oh yeah!

Sister Brown and Sister Batista were robbed at gunpoint not 5 minutes from our apartment last Monday. 

They're fine, don't worry. No harm was inflicted. They did, however, lose their phone (which was brand new, by the way), Sister Brown's bag and, worst of all, her little Book of Mormon that she's been marking up her entire mission.

Because of this event, we now are not allowed to be outside the house after 6:00PM unless we have a ride with a member.

And believe it or not, this new restriction has made our street contacting far more efficient, and we're seeing miracles because of it.

[Now, something Miriam told us over chat that she doesn't mention in her letter is that they have a new convert in the area named Felipe who used to rob people at gun-point before he met the missionaries, had change of heart, and joined the Church. Yesterday, Miriam and Sister Casperson were telling him about Sister Brown and Batista getting robbed. Felipe really likes Sister Brown and was bothered by the news. He hung his head down, shaking it in his hands and then asked, "What did the guys look like?" They gave the description that Brown and Batista gave. Felipe knew who they were. A look of justice and determination came over his face, "I'll get Sister Brown's phone back for her." He said. Miriam's eyes widened with surprise. I guess we'll see what happens with that.]

Spiritual thoughts:

We had a really good lesson on 3 of Jesus's parables in the Bible: the lost sheep, the lost coin, and the prodigal son.

The teacher, Léo, talked about some of the differences between them, and I thought it was interesting.

In the parable of the lost sheep, the lost sheep represents people who get separated from the church just because they're maybe not paying attention, and with love we must help bring them back to safety.

In the parable of the lost coin, the lost coin represents people who get separated from the church because of neglect, and we must light our candles and find these people to remind them that they are not forgotten.

In the parable of the prodigal son, the son represents people who get separated from the church by their own choice. And the thing that I thought was interesting was that, unlike the other parables, the father didn't follow his son, search for him and bring him back. He respected his son's agency, and, after suffering much, the son eventually returned. Sometimes a factor of repentance we need to take into consideration is simply time.

But what do all these parables have in common? Every time the lost item/person was found, they were received with love and rejoicing at their repentance and future and not rejected because of what happened in the past.

Now for a cool story. 

A little while back, a new group of missionaries arrived in this mission. One of these missionaries was an Elder from Ecuador. While in the mission home, he saw a painting of Helaman and the 2060 stripling warriors. He asked Sister Card what it was a painting of. As she explained, the Elder got emotional and told her that in his country there's a story that's been passed down for generations (not by members of the church, mind you) about 2060 young men that went to battle for their country and not one was killed.

I'm just saying, guys....😏"

More pictures Miriam sent today after her letter.... 👇

They met up with Sisters Johnson and Diaz in Interlagos to mail off some letters and have lunch. They drank straight from the coconut. 

Dinner again with the self proclaimed Mãe da Área, Yvonne Vera.