Getting to Know Jesus

 I love C.S. Lewis' book, The Great Divorce! I love it because it expounds so beautifully on the ideas of what makes heaven and hell. It illustrates in little parables a great deal of personalities and how we often miss what's right in front of our eyes.  Near the end of the book, we meet a heavenly angel named, George MacDonald, who is actually an author/preacher from real life; someone who C.S. Lewis greatly admired and studied his teachings thoroughly. 

Because of this introduction in The Great Divorce, I became curious about George MacDonald's books. I just finished reading, Getting to Know Jesus. It reminds me a little of Henry Drummond's writings because his were mostly a bound copy of published sermons - and it's the same with the book I just finished with Mr. MacDonald.

I love this part in Chapter 4 about God being truly in our hearts and us in His:

"The fact is, men of old knew their scriptures, yes - and they would talk from morning until night but they had neither heard the voice of God at any time nor seen His shape, and had not His word abiding in them. And therefore, they did not know the Lord when He came. That applies to all forms of truth: that those who have not the truth in them cannot know the truth when it comes to them. Not being true, they cannot recognize that which is not of their sort...."

"Do you think it is possible to be true-hearted and to refuse the truth thus brought down just into the very depths of the soul? Oh a man who is only anxious to save his soul never sees anything of this! If he does not love the truth, if he neither loves God nor would be ready to die for his fellow men, if he is only occupied with his own individual being and its well-being - he can know nothing about this. And he cannot know the kingdom of heaven or the liberty of the sons of God and the obedience of the truth...."

"We are far from the liberty of the children of God yet. Only when we have come to feel that life is precious to us, and only because we are the children of the Living One, and that we are hand and heart with Him: Only then can a man be thoroughly righteously be able to say, 'It is worthwhile to live.'"

"Some of you have learned that 'self' is a thing that is loathsome to you. You have begun to see that IF there come NOT into you a high power of purity and deliverance, a presence to your consciousness of the Living God by Whom and in Whom you live, your whole nature is as something from which you recoil! For it was never meant for you to live in the consciousness of SELF. And no man can live in that but must go mad- but must turn in and in upon himself until he goes mad... or goes out of being."

Suicide Awareness and Prevention Week

 

A couple Sundays ago we had combined Relief Society and Priesthood meeting where we discussed depression and suicide and this week happens to be suicide awareness week. This topic always hits very close to home for me. I've lost two cousins to suicide and my best-friend's son. My dad attempted it three times when I was in high school. My sister and brother have both attempted it a couple times.  My husband talks about wanting to die all the time but says he'd never take his own life, he just says that he'd be so glad if it were cut short by accident somehow. 

Last night my husband came home from a walk. I don't know how to describe his mood the past several months. He has been in a downward spiral and just seems vacant, like a walking shell. He sleeps all the time and only leaves the house to go for a walk on occasion. Ever since Covid he's been working from home so he hasn't felt much reason to go anywhere. He goes to church but doesn't want to be there, doesn't want to pray in church or hold a calling. He has no desire for social events, so I often go to parties with neighbors by myself or with one of my kids. I'm not going to lie, it gets lonely. 

Last Sunday, he didn't even want to go to his own family dinner. He has a huge close-knit family. They are amazing. He's always been close with his parents and many siblings so I know he must feel bad emotionally to not want to be with them. Thankfully, through lots of love and encouragement I was able to convince him to attend. A couple nights ago was another success: he agreed to visit the parkway next to his work with me. I brought my longboard and he ran along-side. The more he tries to isolate the more I know he needs to get out... but I have to encourage gently and very carefully though or he'll get angry.

All my life, I've had so many loved ones struggle with serious clinical depression. Some have attempted to take their life and some have actually done so. It hurts because you're haunted by wondering what you could've ever done to make things better. It can be so exhausting to help those who suffer with depression when you yourself don't live in that world, I know. It can be extremely draining... but hang in there. I have experienced the sustaining support of the Savior, peace in the middle of the storm, light in the dark. I testify that He is there!! He will walk with you through the trial! Know the warning signs for your loved one who suffers with depression. You can't fix them but you can keep praying for them, keep seeking for small ways to bring love and light into their life, every little bit counts. Seek professional help if needed, don't be ashamed of your situation. We are all broken in our own way. Do the best you can, stay close to the Lord, and trust in good things to come.  I guess that's all I can say.

Getting Un-stuck

 We went to the North shore of Bear Lake the day after Chandler's 20th birthday. We had a great time paddle boarding and kayaking. Everything was perfect; the air was just the right temperature because of the cloud cover, the water wasn't too cold, and the lake wasn't crowded at all.

 Near the end of the day, around 4:30 most of the people were leaving the lake. In hindsight... I guess they were leaving because of the storm clouds in the distance. We didn't think much of it because the storm was further north than us and the wind really seemed to be blowing away from us. Even still, we began to wrap things up.  I put my pants and a long sleeve shirt over my swimsuit because the wind was a little chilly and I didn't plan to go in the water again.

We had already deflated our kayaks and put them in the van but we kept the boards out longer. Kaylee and Amillia grabbed their life jackets and a paddle board and asked if they could go out just one more time really briefly before we headed back to the hotel. I said it would be fine and I followed them on my paddle board fully dressed and all. I didn't notice the direction of the wind, only that it felt really easy rowing out from shore. We were on the lake for maybe five minutes when I told Kaylee not to go out any further. 

"You're getting pretty far honey, maybe you should come back in my direction." I called to her.

"Okay, I'm coming," she said.

I waited a few minutes more but it seemed like she was only getting further from me. "Honey, come on, you're out really far, you need to come back closer. Please listen!"

"Mom, I'm trying. I can't! It's pushing me away, Mom!" 

I paddled up next to her, turned toward the direction of the shore and demonstrated how to thrust the paddle in to get more momentum. 

"She knelt down on the board. I can't mom. It's hard and my arms are way too tired."

I looked to see if her board or my board had a rope or something so we could tie the two together and I could tow her. Nothing except for a small criss-cross rope woven like shoe lace along the top of Kaylee's board that was stuck in a horrendous, impossible knot. I used my teeth, my nails, everything to try and get that rope unlaced, all the while trying to straddle the other board and keep the two together. The knot wouldn't budge. 

I tried instead to kneel with one leg on her board and the other leg on mine while paddling double. I tried this configuration for some time. The drag was too much! "What is wrong?" I thought. Even in an awkward configuration I could normally sail pretty fast across the water. I finally realized the storm front had shifted, was blowing harder, causing the current of the top of the water to flow the opposite direction of the shore. I had to paddle against the current. I used all my strength and every possible configuration to try and paddle both boards back. I even tried jumping in the water and kicking while pulling both boards. Kaylee got off too and tried to kick from behind. 

My heart sank when I realized that we were trapped, no matter how hard we tried to head back we were being pulled further out. At this time, I could hardly distinguish who was on the shore. I waved my ore in the air to signal our trouble but no one seemed to notice. The lake was almost empty and there were no motor boats or jet skis left on the water. No one was on the water, except us. And we were too far for anyone to hear us call their name. 

Finally, Joseph noticed something wasn't right. He barely saw my signal with the ore. He could tell we were being pulled out and started to swim to us.

I was relieved he saw us but I didn't expect him to try to swim out. We were so far from shore and he wasn't wearing a life jacket. I knew he'd never make it. I tried shouting to him to go back and get his jacket but he couldn't hear me. Kaylee was getting worried. From our vantage point, all we could see was a small dot of Joseph's head that sometimes disappeared when the waves blocked our view. Kaylee screamed in panic and thought he was drowning. His strength was failing and he had flipped on his back to catch his breath, trying to back-float to shore and re-think his strategy. In Kaylee's panic, she jumped off the board and tried to swim to him. "Kaylee! Stay with me. You're way too far from him. Just wait with me here on the boards. They are going to get help." In the distance, could see our van drive away and knew it must be the older kids trying to find someone. 

"No Mom, I'm able to move much easier by myself. See!" She had her life jacket on and was suddenly a couple yards away from me. She didn't realize the distance between us was a result of Amillia and I being pushed by the waves further from her not that she was swimming faster. 

"Kaylee! I don't think it's a good idea." I said again. "Come back!"

She kept going. Joseph became more distressed when he saw Kaylee jump out on her own. By this time, he had made it back to shore and asked some people who were further down on the beach if he could borrow their life jacket and kayak. They warned him that the current was too strong but he said he'd take his chances at least to get Kaylee. They loaned him the gear to get her and called 911 for us. Joseph made it to Kaylee, pulled her in the Kayak and fought the current, finally making it back to shore. Kaylee was shivering violently. The family that loaned the kayak let her sit in their truck with a heated seat and lots of towels.

Meanwhile, Chandler and Miriam had taken the van to search for help. They drove along the shore and found a man and his wife in their truck with a jet ski tied up in their trailer. They were just pulling away from the lake when Chandler jumped out and waved the man down. "Are you in a hurry?" Chandler asked. 

"Well, kind of, yeah." The man responded. Probably thinking they were going to ask him to help them look for some lost item on the shore. When he realized it was people in trouble, he instantly sat up.

"My mom and sister are stuck on the lake. They need someone to tow them in."

The man scanned the lake, "I don't see anything out there."

"They are." Chandler said pointing out toward the center, "See those tiny little specks clear out there. That's them!"

The man squinted. "Oh wow! Yeah, I see them now." The man quickly lowered his jet ski off the trailer and back into the water.

Amillia had been praying and crying, "Mommy, I don't want to die like this." 

"Sweetheart we're not going to die. We will be just fine. They know we're stuck now. Someone will come to help soon, I promise. It's all going to be okay." I reassured her.

I relaxed my tired arms and just floated and waited. Amillia wanted to say a prayer together. We both knelt and prayed. The sky was getting pretty dark, the wind was stronger, and the waves were higher. I lowered my head and whispered, "Please God." Just then, I heard the sound of a motor in the distance. A man on a jet ski was coming straight to us.

He circled us once to get close enough for Amillia to climb on and for me to reach his rope. I looped it through the ends of both boards, placed the ores next to his feet on the jet ski, and then flipped one board fin-side-up on top of the other so that the fins wouldn't tear up the bottom board. The wind was much colder now and I began to shiver violently as I climbed onto the jet-ski. I was uncomfortable from how bad my body was shaking. The chattering of my teeth was so hard it made me feel like they would break but regardless of that discomfort I felt peace because I knew we were completely safe now.

When we arrived at shore, Joseph rushed to hug us, bringing towels and turning the heater on in the car so we could get warm. Finally, the sheriff truck arrived pulling a boat on a trailer as we were getting ready to leave the shore. They saw how much I was shivering in the van even with the heat and the towels. Detecting I had the beginning stages of hypothermia, the sheriff asked if we needed an ambulance. I said I was fine and I just needed a little more time, I'd be fine. 

The storm clouds were above us now and the rain began to pour. Joseph offered a family prayer of thanks and struggled to hold back the tears. It's amazing our quickly we can take simple things for granted in life. Our hearts were full as we drove off with everyone safe and well.

It was a close call. I was so glad that our jet ski guy came when he did because if we had wait until the sheriff boat was on the water, we would have been stuck in a deluge of a storm. 

I'm grateful for dry land, I'm grateful our rescuer was in the right place at the right time, and I'm especially grateful that we are in God's hands, He knows how to get us un-stuck, that everything in the end works out because He knows what He's doing.

-Alicia

For the sake of the record...

I don't post much these days honestly because I try to just stay off the computers as often as possible. It really helps me maintain more peace in my life. I'll post a couple short quick things here and there on my social media pages when I want to share my faith - but I don't like to hang out on those pages. I'll usually get on and then get right off. 

I miss blogging a bit though because it was an excuse to journal. Maybe I should get back into it??? I don't know. I especially love having a place to go into more depth with what's on my heart even if nobody ever reads this blog. It's still a place for me to put some thoughts or life updates in writing - and I like that. 

Speaking of updates... I work 2 or 3 days a week now as a dental assistant for an office in Provo. I think it's the perfect amount of hours for me and I absolutely love what I do. It also helps that everyone I work with is super easy to get-along with. I really think I found my dream job. Ha ha ha!

Tonight, I got called into work to help after-hours. The dentist I work for texted me asking if I'd come help him with surgery for a friend of his daughter's wisdom teeth. His son was there watching because he's in pre-dental school. I always find the extractions very fascinating -especially the ones where we have to make incisions and I can see straight to the jaw bone! Dr. called his son over during the surgery to take a closer look and watch the procedure. His son nearly passed out from the sight and had to lay down. I guess it never bothers me at all, especially like that. 

I started my job almost five months ago, I have learned so much. I can assist with just about any procedure now; crowns, root canals, implants, gingival scans, extractions, fillings, etc. I love setting up and taking down the operatory, wearing latex gloves, cleaning /sterilizing instruments, and typing up clinical notes, I love it all! 

I was a dental assistant before I ever had kids back when I was 21 or 22 and I liked doing it then but it is so much better now for some reason. I think I feel more confident than I did when I was in my early 20's and I love the littlest things in life more than I did then. 

So, that's a very small update..... Perhaps I'll post here more just for the sake of recording....

-Alicia

I know!

 I know that we have a loving Father in Heaven who hears our prayers, even the ones we can't seem to find words for, those deep longings of the soul to touch heaven, to be known by God and to know Him. So many personal experiences have happened this past year that have made me feel like I'm being cared for and watched over in a very tender, careful, special way. I don't know how to describe it and don't think I could if I tried. Who would even believe me?

I am overwhelmed with gratitude and feel like I have witnessed what the windows of heaven pouring down really means. My prayer is, "Please God, help me to pay it forward, show me those I can lift or help because I have been carried and lifted so very much! Help me to open my eyes and be where I need to be in the right moments. Most of all, help me to notice which of my children at times need me most and how I can be there for them. Help me to see what needs Joseph might have and grant me ability to fulfill them."