Not letting go!

I can't sleep. Normally, sleep is never an issue for me.  I must be having such a hard time with this move.  I so desperately do not want to leave this place that I love so very, very much!

We've decided that we don't want to rent anymore, we just want our own home.  If we do rent again, it could only be for a very short time, a month-to-month, because we are anxious to have a permanent place for our foster children.  Any kind of move would mean they would be absorbed back into the hands of others in the foster community until we had a home that has been officially evaluated and meets State regulations for being foster ready. (A process which can take several weeks maybe months.) We've decided that foster care will have to be on hold until we find a permanent place to avoid any additional disruption in these children's lives.  But foster kids or not, it's just a massive hassle to move from here to a temporary location, only to move again.

My husband and I have lived five other places since we were first married... it's been so nice to stay here as long as we have.  If it weren't for the struggles we've had with our landlady, we could live here forever.

Saturday evening we spent a lot of time searching online for homes, condos, or town-homes (anything a little larger than what we have here).  We won't give up the search but it seems that nothing large enough for our family is under $200K in our ward. We had a special fast as a family yesterday, even our friends, the Wilsons, fasted together for us. My friend, Carol, called me and advised me to stay close to the Spirit and to not narrow my options to just this ward or Stake but to seek first where the Lord would have us be.  She is a wise woman and I'm so glad for the day I miraculously met her.  We will have no problems staying in close touch.

Yesterday in church, we had so many friends offer to help us and I kept feeling this mixture of gratitude, joy, pain, sorrow, and loss.  One moment I'd be smiling and the next I'd have tears streaming down my face.

I want to do all I can to stay connected to this place I call home.  The visits may be fewer and farther between but I could never leave this beautiful place completely: No, not after what I've experienced and not after the dreams I've had.   To disconnect completely would be too much for my soul to bear.  This will be tough no matter what but I can see myself dancing my way through it. ;) I pray there will be lots of dances.  This place I call home has changed my life, my whole world, everything!!  It cannot be forgotten.  It has "awakened me out of a deep sleep".  It helped me remember my mission, my dreams, and all I want to become.  I am forever grateful!

I will continue on with BYU: I will not let go and I'll continue to reach for my dream that I've had for so many years of being an inspiring writer and speaker.  Down the road, I can envision myself taking my words and using them as a tool to be a powerful advocate, a voice for the importance of the family, especially for children, for foster children, and defender of the sanctity of life.  I am confident that my experiences in the future with both formal education and fostering will help to make my voice heard loud and clear in the courthouses, in the schools, and in the communities.  There are many good things to come.
Just watch and see....
I'm gonna Carpe this Diem!!!

-Alicia :)

.

Call it what it is...

We have an amazing Father in Heaven and I can't explain how but I know He is real, that He is the Father of each of us, that He hears, He sees, He understands, and He knows all.

Personally, I've experienced answers to prayers more numerous these past couple of years than I can begin to describe; situations, parallels, and connections that are far too many to be coincidental. And even though I may not see the bigger picture and have a full vision of its purpose at this moment in my life, it has strengthened my faith and I am grateful.

I know we can receive Divine assistance and heavenly help.  I know we are not alone even when we feel as if there isn't a single soul who understands.  We can have mysteries unfolded.  Answers will come line upon line... and I'm slowly learning patience, the kind of patience that is okay with not knowing "why" until my life is over.  Every heartache, every struggle only draws me to my knees in deeper, more soulful prayer.

To some who know "my story," it might seem crazy or impossible - but the more that has been revealed... I'm compelled to call it what it really is: A miracle!

Yeah, I'm a believer!
-Alicia

Ground Control to Major Tom

 "I wanted to tell you, that song 'Major Tom'... 

That song is about courage and going into the unknown. It's a cool song." 

- Cheryl Melhoff

I love the movie Walter Mitty with Ben Stiller.  There's something so familiar to me about how Cheryl's influence transforms Walter.  She awakens him to everything his soul has ever wanted to be.  Because of her confidence in him, his heart burns with a new-found courage to step out into the unknown, run after his dreams and jump with both feet into a world of endless possibilities.

There are so many changes ahead, we really don't know what to expect but we're determined to be ready for whatever comes our way!

We just purchased this new van...  and guess what I've named him??
It's going to take a couple of months for the specialized license plate to be made but I'm super excited.

It's a twelve-seater.  It will be perfect for when we get our two foster children with plenty of room to spare.  It was $20,000 with only 7,000 miles! We took it to two different mechanics before we purchased and they both said the engine was brand-spankin' new!  We feel very fortunate to have found it.  We were very prayerful and spent a lot of time searching and waiting for the right vehicle.  One of the selling points for us was to buy something that would not only bless our family in need but would aslo be a tool for serving and helping others.  I know it will be.

I really like the name, "Major Tom".  It makes me think of the movie, Mitty, and the power of Cheryl's influence.  Plus, it kinda looks like a space shuttle (if you squint).

"Commencing countdown, 

Engines on

Check ignition 

And may God's love be with you"

-Alicia

Reaching for the Stars!

The Impossible Dream

I know two songs from the movie though I don't recall ever watching it.  I've never read the book either... even though it has sat on my shelf for years.  When I was a little girl, I remember my mother singing The Impossible Dream and Man of Lamancha.  She'd dance through the kitchen like a cheerful songbird and often get the lyrics messed up... but she sang her heart out anyway.

After reading the book that came in the mail last week, I took interest in the way the author mentions Don Quixote in her last chapter.  It reads as follows:

After [Don Quixote] tells [Aldonza] of his quest - to follow the impossible dream - she pleads, "Once, just once - would you look at me as I really am?"
He gazes into her eyes and answers, "I see beauty.  Purity.  I see the woman each man holds secret within him. Duclinea."

...In his quest to "add some measure of grace to the world" he became alive to new visions, to the vision of one who values all life - Jesus Christ.

Though she fights his vision as being unrealistic, her heart longs for it to be true, and in time the presence of his love, gentleness, and glory transform her life and her very nature.  

His triumph in the quest to "add some measure of grace" comes as he lies upon his deathbed and Aldonza comes to see him.  
She cries for him to regain the quest, "Please!  Try to remember!"
"Is it so important?" he asks.
"Everything.  My whole life.  You spoke to me and everything was different!" she pleads.
As he fades and dies, she is resurrected into a new being and walks away with his quest instilled upon her heart, and thereafter calls herself, Dulcinea [which means -sweet above all that is sweet]."

The part she describes here sounded so familiar to me.
"I know this story" I thought to myself.  " I know it well."
 It's a story of transformation, a story of redemption, a story of what happens to a soul when someone sees them differently, when they are seen by the light of truth, and it awakes them to who they are meant to become no matter how impossible it might seem.

There's no doubt in my mind that God knows and loves us beyond our mortal comprehension.  He answers our prayers.  He has great plans, tailor-made opportunities, and custom-fit challenges to help us grow into who we're meant to be.
...And sometimes He sends angels to help us along our journey.   I will thank God for my angels every single day of my life.  How could I ever forget the measure of grace they added to my world?!  Their quest is my quest now. It is written and instilled deep upon my heart forever.

From Don Quixote

To dream the impossible dream

To fight the unbeatable foe

To bear with unbearable sorrow

And to run where

the brave dare not go

To right the unrightable wrong

And to love pure and chaste from afar

To try when your arms are too weary

To reach the unreachable star

This is my quest

To follow that star

No matter how hopeless

No matter how far

To fight for the right

Without question or pause

To be willing to march,

march into hell

For that heavenly cause

And I know

If I'll only be true

To this glorious quest

That my heart

Will lie peaceful and calm

When I'm laid to my rest

And the world will be

better for this

That one man, scorned

and covered with scars,

Still strove with his last

ounce of courage

To reach the unreachable,

the unreachable,

The unreachable star

And I'll always dream

The impossible dream

Yes, and I'll reach

The unreachable star

"It is not that something different is seen, but that one sees differently.

It is as though the spatial act of seeing were changed by a new dimension."

- Carl Jung

"Understand and Prepare" - Ponderize - Week 32

I've had some unbelievable experiences these past two years that are too sacred to share and too hard to explain, so I won't even attempt to.  Everything has felt so condensed, so concentrated, so rapid.... So much has happened in such a short period of time...
I have felt like the "windows of heaven" have been opened as a flood, pulling me in like a riptide that's washing me out to sea...
It has been so overwhelming that I just haven't had "room enough to receive it".

Being overwhelmed like this, from experiencing things of a spiritual nature, so powerfully, so consistently, so frequent, in such a short amount of time, sounds like a pleasant and comfortable thing right?  I mean, saying  you've had the "windows of heaven" opened to you, one would think that all of this has been a joyful experience... it has... but...
Let me tell you, some of it has been excruciatingly painful and terribly, terribly lonely...
The only ones who have known my whole complete story through it all, who know me so well, has been the Lord and my husband.
Yesterday, I was weighed down with this loneliness.  And I wondered if that's what Paul meant by "weight of glory"... to have miraculous things happen and not be able to really share them because of the sacredness of it... or the unbelief of others...
It is very, very heavy.

My husband gave me a beautiful priesthood blessing late last night and then held me tightly in his arms.  I just wept and wept.

This morning in my scripture studies, I was searching for a verse to "ponderize" for the week.  I've just finished reading about the Savior's visit to the Nephites where He pretty much teaches them the same thing He taught the people of Jerusalem in Matthew 5 - 7.  Can you imagine what a spiritual experience that must have been to have Christ, Himself, teach and bless you face to face??  I'm sure it was beautiful, miraculous, powerful, and very, very overwhelming.  Would that have been like "the windows of heaven" being opened without "room enough to receive it"?

I wonder how many people believed them when they went back to tell their friends about their experience... how many thought they were crazy?  Depending on the responses (or lack of response) I imagine those who testified felt joy one moment and extreme pain the next.
But regardless of who believes... you know that there's more... that the story isn't over... there is more yet to be revealed.  You know that someday you'll understand it all.
So you keep moving, you press on in faith, in confidence, and trust that what you've experienced is truly Divine... even if no one believes you... even if people think you're crazy... even if it's a terribly lonely, lonely way to go.
It doesn't matter...  you will be prepared for tomorrow.

"Therefore, go ye unto your homes, and ponder upon the things which I have said, and ask the Father in my name, that ye may understand, and prepare your minds for the morrow, and I come unto you again." - 3 Nephi 17:3

-Alicia

The Good Fight

Yesterday during class, we reviewed Abraham Lincoln's First Inaugural Address. I can't even begin to imagine how frightening it would have been to become the president of the United States when   political tensions and polarized views defining liberty had led the people to the brink of an all-out civil war.  It was supposed to be the "United" States and yet, it was anything but united. Feeling the looming clouds of heated battle, Lincoln desperately tried to ease the anxieties of the South and in the last part of his address as he plead, "I am loath to close. We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield and patriot grave to every living heart and hearthstone all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature."  He was trying to remind the people of who they were: brothers, sisters, neighbors, friends, fellow Americans, and that the fight was for unity, for liberty and not against each another.  Unity would come as we implored "The better angels of our nature," I really love that wording because I believe the majority of people on this earth are good, even if we have opposing or conflicting views.

Fast-forward 155 years and observe the current conversations in today's political arena and I can't help but feel like we're on the brink of another civil war.

My daughter, Kaylee, has a favorite song she asks me to play for her quite often.  It's called The Good Fight by, Unspoken.  A couple of weeks ago, we rented a movie called War Room and Kaylee's face lit up with excitement to hear her song played in the movie.  War Room is a reminder of what the war is really about and who the real enemy is. What is the good fight?  It's not against our brothers and sisters, our children or our spouse, our neighbors or friends... for "we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." (Ephesians 6:12)

In my scripture studies this morning I read the verses in Alma where he exhorts the people to pray in every place and over everything. (34:17-27) and I thought of War Room.  I don't have a closet I can kneel in but I do have a place I can always go with my pleadings.  And when I am not in position to be on my knees in prayer, my "heart is full drawn out" to my Father in Heaven "continually for [the] welfare" of my family and my neighbor's families. (Alma 34:27)

I'm not about to give up in this fight, the good fight: praying and pleading, seeking the Spirit, striving to serve where needed, changing my own heart, and seeking understanding, hoping for the best, trusting in the Grace of my Savior, loving when I'm not loved in return, and sharing truth... I will continue even if I wear out all my days doing so and never see the fruit of my labors.

I'll close my post with this portion of Elder Holland's talk, "However Long and Hard the Road."

-Alicia

"Is it not significant that early in his life Joseph Smith was taught this lesson three times in the same night and once again the next morning? Moroni, quoting the Lord verbatim as recorded by the prophet Joel, said: “I will pour out my spirit upon all flesh; and your sons and your daughters shall prophesy, your old men shall dream dreams, your young men shall see visions:

“And also upon the servants and upon the handmaids in those days will I pour out my spirit” (Joel 2:28–29).

Dreaming dreams and seeing visions. The Lord’s spirit upon all flesh—sons and daughters, old and young, servants and handmaidens. I may be wrong, but I can’t imagine an Old Testament verse of any kind that could have helped this boy prophet more. He was being called into the battle of his life, for life itself, or at least for its real meaning and purpose. He would be driven and hunted and hounded. His enemies would rail and ridicule. He would see his children die and his land lost and his marriage tremble. He would languish in prison through a Missouri winter, and he would cry out toward the vault of heaven, “O God, where art thou? … How long … O Lord, how long” (D&C 121:1–3). Finally he would walk the streets of his own city uncertain who, except for a precious few, were really friend or actually foe. And all that toil and trouble, pain and perspiration would end so maliciously at Carthage—when there simply were finally more foes than friends. Felled by balls fired from the door of the jail inside and one coming through the window from outside, he fell dead into the hands of his murderers at 38 years of age.

If all of this and so much more was to face the Prophet in such a troubled lifetime, and if he finally knew what fate awaited him in Carthage, as he surely did, why didn’t he just quit somewhere along the way? Who needs it? Who needs the abuse and the persecution and the despair and death? It doesn’t sound fun to me, so why not just zip shut the cover of your scriptures, hand in your Articles of Faith cards, and go home?

Why not? For the simple reason that he had dreamed dreams and seen visions. Through the blood and the toil and the tears and the sweat, he had seen the redemption of Israel. It was out there somewhere—dimly, distantly—but it was there. So he kept his shoulder to the wheel until God said his work was finished.

And what of the other Saints? What were they to do with a martyred prophet, a persecuted past, and a hopeless future? With Joseph and Hyrum gone, shouldn’t they have just quietly slipped away also—somewhere, anywhere? What was the use? They had run and run and run. They had wept and buried their dead. They had started over so many times that their hands were bloodied and their hearts were bruised. In the name of sanity and safety and peace, why didn’t they just quit?

Well, it was those recurring dreams and compelling visions. It was spiritual strength. It was the fulfillment they knew to be ahead, no matter how faint or far away." - Jeffrey R. Holland

The Depth of God

Just some verses and a couple of quotes I've been focusing on in my studies.  I'm grateful for the wisdom of God, for His all-knowing and all-seeing understanding.  I'm grateful that I can put full confidence in the direction He points me and in the learning experiences He gives...  for I know that He sees the bigger picture.

-Alicia

"Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.  But God hath revealed them unto us by his Spirit: for the Spirit searcheth all things, yea, the deep things of God." - 1 Cor. 2:9-10

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." - Isaiah 55:8-9

 "Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend." - Mosiah 4:9

"The Lord worketh in many ways to the salvation of his people." - Alma 24:27

"By small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise."- Alma 37:6

"The Lord will lead us along, just as promised. He balances giving to the Church and its people the needed, specific directions, with providing the relevant learning experiences, including having our faith and patience tried in order to be strengthened. Thus He leads us along, but He desires that during that process we take His yoke upon us in order to learn of Him by our personal experiences. We surely feel the weight of that yoke at times, but the path is clear." - Neal A. Maxwell

"A universal God is actually involved with our small, individual universes of experience! In the midst of His vast dominions, yet He numbers us, knows us, and loves us perfectly."- Neal A. Maxwell

The Unmaking

Yesterday, I spent some time again listening to "God is the Gardner." Whenever I struggle to understand the moments in life that "cut me back" or cause my heart to ache, I appreciate the truths  found in these words:

"God is aware of you individually. He knows who you are and what you are, and, furthermore, He knows what you are capable of becoming. Be not discouraged, then, if you do not get all the things you want just when you want them. Have the courage to go on and face your life and, if necessary, reverse it to bring it into harmony with His law...  someday, when you are ripened in life, you are going to shout back across the time and say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me.’" 

- Hugh B. Brown "God is the Gardener"

As I walked up to campus this afternoon, I scrolled through my Spotify songs to select a new favorite called, "The Unmaking". Listening to the lyrics, I couldn't help reflect on Hugh B. Brown's talk.  I felt the words to this song fit the principle of trusting in God's bigger picture.

I can't deny the hurt associated with being "cut down" or held back especially when it feels as if it goes against everything in my nature.  Denying such pain would be lying to myself.  Maybe I held my dreams too tightly? (or at least my interpretation of them...) Maybe as I stand back and lift my hands in surrender, my Father in Heaven will show me things I couldn't see before... At the ending is also a new beginning... and I'm learning that true beauty is found in the breaking. 

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing" - Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4-5

God has His purposes and His seasons... and I trust Him, so I won't complain.  I praise Him for His infinite wisdom, even when it hurts.

"The Unmaking"

by, Nichole Nordeman

"This is the unmaking

The beauty and the breaking

Had to lose myself to find out who You are

Before each beginning

There must be an ending

Sitting in the rubble

I can see the stars

This is the unmaking

This is the unmaking

The longer and the tighter that we hold

Only makes it harder to let go

Love will not stay locked inside

A steeple or a tower high

Only when we're broken are we whole"

"I had to lose myself

To find out who You are"

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.” - C.S. Lewis

-Alicia
Trying to be Good

Keep Believing

Three days out of the week I have the privilege of walking from my home up to BYU's campus to attend my American Heritage class.  As I walk the seven blocks to the bottom of the hill and pass the rows of apartments and houses, one by one students will emerge from the various doorways and head north on the parallel streets.  At first it seems like there is only four, maybe five of us in view but then as the bottom of the hill draws nearer, the number is closer to fifteen or twenty students coming from all directions.  I commence my way on the steep path, the buildings from campus rise into sight there is now one long stream of students filling the walkway in front of me and behind me, forty or fifty.  When I reach the crest of the hill and pass through the first row of buildings, suddenly I'm in a sea of thousands of students. It's glorious!  Each day I experience this,  I think of a story I heard from a devotional and how the vision of one young man helped turn the tide of despair and restore the hope of the BYU dream.

By 1913, a new wave of financial problems was threatening the university’s future. BYU faced mounting debt. Faculty salaries were so low the teachers ran farms to survive, returning home to irrigate between classes. Its cornerstone laid in 1907, the Maeser Memorial Building sat silent and unfinished for years. Finally, it seemed, the only way to finance its completion was to divide the land on Temple Hill into housing lots and sell them. A student named Alfred Kelly was selected to promote this idea during a commencement speech, but the assignment troubled him. Early one morning he walked to the top of Temple Hill to pray. What he saw that morning as he looked out across the valley left an unforgettable impression upon all who heard him relate it the day of his address, because what Kelly saw was you.

“Gradually the morning light advanced across the valley floor toward the spot where I stood. I closed my eyes partially to the advancing light and was startled by the strange vision that seemed to appear before me. The advancing sunlight took on the appearance of people, thousands of young people who approached me, their arms laden with books. I turned around to find the area behind me illuminated as well. In that light I saw hundreds of buildings, large and beautiful temples of learning. Those young people passed by me and entered in. Then, with cheerfulness and confidence, they turned toward the east and lifted their eyes heavenward, where, again becoming part of the sunlight, they gradually disappeared from my view.”

Kelly sat down to a stunned silence. Suddenly Jesse Knight leaped to his feet, pledging several thousand dollars to BYU. Others followed suit. Eventually, under the direction of President Joseph F. Smith, the Church assumed the school’s remaining debt. Finally, the future of the university had become secure.

The Lord evidently had a plan for the ground the campus now occupies—as He always had for BYU. He would not let even its leaders prevent its divine destiny. Such divine intervention on the things that matter most to the Lord is a comfort to me, knowing He can intervene to correct my lapses in judgment or vision. - (A House of Dreams - John S. Tanner)

What young Alfred Kelly experienced that morning was nothing short of prophecy.  It gave the people something to hold on to, to believe in when everything in the moment seemed hopelessly lost.

In this devotional Brother Tanner also tells of a vision Karl G. Maeser had that too was prophetic.  It came just after his darkest moment when he was ready to quit the cause:

Maeser said,  “I am worn out and sick in spirit, . . . and with all my love for this Academy, I feel that I owe it to my very life, which is needlessly wearing itself out here in an apparently hopeless task, to accept any change that will promise me opportunities for permanent usefulness.”  He contemplated moving his family and taking a job at the University of Deseret (which is now University of Utah).  His daughter one day asked when the move would take place and he responded,  “I have changed my mind. I have had a dream—I have seen Temple Hill filled with buildings—great temples of learning, and I have decided to remain and do my part.”**

Maybe I'm a dreamer... but when the clouds of gloom hang drearily over our heads and it feels as if the end of struggle is nowhere in sight, when we are worn and beaten down from the tasks that surround us, we can learn from these stories of the past and remember that it's always darkest just before the dawn.  God sees the bigger picture of our lives.... and I promise it is full of glory, purpose, and Divine mission.

With that... here's my song for the day. Keep Believing by, Ryan Shupe

-Alicia

**Excerpt from DVD Passport to Destiny; taken from Wilkinson and Skousen, School of Destiny, 84–85; emphasis in original.

Reaching

My kids have the opportunity of participating in the Cultural Celebration and Temple dedication for the Provo, City Center Temple.  They had their first dance practice last night.  Afterwards, my son came home and told me the song they are performing to was "Reaching" by, Audiomachine.  I thought to myself "That's perfect! Absolutely perfect" because whenever I think of Audiomachine, I think of their album, "Tree of Life."  This temple and the Tree of Life have long been tied together in story for me. 

• "To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified." - Isaiah 61:3

This temple is a symbol of incredible beauty, shining like a light, a symbol of a new life, of redemption from the ruins, of triumph through tragedy, and holiness out of heartbreak... How glorious it is, to rise from the ashes, and constantly reach to a higher and more noble place no matter the cost.  Through Christ, all things are possible.  The Lord is aware of our every need and every struggle.  He is mighty to save and there is nothing we can't make it through when we rely and trust in His wisdom and grace.  He is so very good... all is well... all is well.

• "This one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 3:13

• "For ye have not come thus far save it were by the word of Christ with unshaken faith in him, relying wholly upon the merits of him who is mighty to save. Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. " -2 Nephi 31: 19-20

• "He saw other multitudes pressing forward; and they came and caught hold of the end of the rod of iron; and they did press their way forward, continually holding fast to the rod of iron, until they came forth and fell down and partook of the fruit of the tree." 1 Nephi 8:24

-Alicia :)

Guardian Angels - Ponderize - Week 14

"Isn't faith believing

All power can't be seen..."

The first Sunday of this year started off in a wonderful way.  I've been thinking about guardian angels in my life. They are as real on earth as they are in heaven, though it takes faith to believe it.

I imagine that the angels we can't see view us much like someone looking through a glass window from an upper room.  We don't have any real proof they see us but we still somehow sense their benevolent watch. They hear us and observe quietly, yet most often from our vantage point, we can neither hear nor observe them in return.

Sometimes, they feel much closer to me than behind the glass of a distant window and I wonder how this is possible.  It's more like how the energy of the sun touches me: I can feel its warmth even though it's 93 million miles away.  The rays penetrate deep inside me from the top of my head clear down to my feet.  Such a presence is so close that it's undeniable!  I feel the sun though I cannot touch it.  I am comforted and content knowing that this beautiful radiant light will always be there in my sky even when it has set beyond the horizon and my eyes are dimmed by the dark of night.  Then, I will look up into the ocean of stars and see that the sun has not passed away, it has not diminished or faded.  Rather, it has multiplied beyond number in glorious splendor.

"Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them." - 2 Kings 6:16

-Alicia

"I Could Not Deny It" - Ponderize - Week 12

"I was born in the year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and five, on the twenty-third day of December..." - Joseph Smith

Just two days before Christmas in the small town of Sharon, Vermont, he was born; A prophet called of God to restore the truths of the everlasting gospel of Jesus Christ.  Joseph Smith was honest and sincere with a pure heart and desire to know the will of the Lord for him.  He did exactly as James 1:5 directs and sought for answers through humble prayer.  Verses 24&25 of his history are my very favorite:

"...It was nevertheless a fact that I had beheld a vision. I have thought since, that I felt much like Paul, when he made his defense before King Agrippa, and related the account of the vision he had when he saw a light, and heard a voice; but still there were but few who believed him; some said he was dishonest, others said he was mad; and he was ridiculed and reviled. But all this did not destroy the reality of his vision. He had seen a vision, he knew he had, and all the persecution under heaven could not make it otherwise; and though they should persecute him unto death, yet he knew, and would know to his latest breath, that he had both seen a light and heard a voice speaking unto him, and all the world could not make him think or believe otherwise.

So it was with me. I had actually seen a light, and in the midst of that light I saw two Personages, and they did in reality speak to me; and though I was hated and persecuted for saying that I had seen a vision, yet it was true; and while they were persecuting me, reviling me, and speaking all manner of evil against me falsely for so saying, I was led to say in my heart: Why persecute me for telling the truth? I have actually seen a vision; and who am I that I can withstand God, or why does the world think to make me deny what I have actually seen? For I had seen a vision; I knew it, and I knew that God knew it, and I could not deny it, neither dared I do it; at least I knew that by so doing I would offend God, and come under condemnation." - Joseph Smith

What happened to Joseph in that sacred grove and the visions and visitations that followed were miracles in this modern day!  I think sometimes when we hear or read of these things that it might seem distant to us, as if experiences such as these are out of our reach.  We may say to ourselves,  "I know I can pray but I doubt that God would ever open a vision to me or give me answers to questions such as these." Who are we to limit God? "My beloved... have miracles ceased? Behold I say unto you, Nay; neither have angels ceased to minister unto the children of men."- Moroni 7:29

Joseph Smith and his counselors in the First Presidency gave the following instructions to the Saints who were gathering to Nauvoo:  “God hath not revealed anything to Joseph, but what He will make known unto the Twelve, and even the least Saint may know all things as fast as he is able to bear them, for the day must come when no man need say to his neighbor, Know ye the Lord; for all shall know Him … from the least to the greatest [see Jeremiah 31:34].” 

With any personal decision or challenge we might face in life, we can rest assured that the heavens are open and we can receive divine guidance in our sphere of jurisdiction.  "Even the least Saint may know." It is the essential element of faith.

Joseph Smith taught, "Miracles are the fruits of faith."  He said, "The best way to obtain truth and wisdom is not to ask it from books, but to go to God in prayer, and obtain divine teaching.” 

"[I] believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost."  I believe in them with all of my heart and soul.  Not even the smallest doubt exists in my mind of their reality.  When I pray, I know I am addressing my good and gracious Father.  He knows me intimately and cares for me with a love I cannot comprehend.  I have a Savior who redeems me, who lifts me back up after every fall, who knows my every heartache because he has experienced every pain.
This is my foundation.  I have learned this by faith.  I have learned this from sincerely praying and holding nothing back as I pour out my soul.  I have learned this by seriously studying the scriptures, especially the Book of Mormon.

 I'm a little late in choosing my verse to ponderize this week.  But this is the one I have selected.  I think it is fitting both for the restoration of the Gospel and with Christmas in two days.

"I had seen a vision; I knew it, and I knew that God knew it, and I could not deny it." - JSH 1:25

-Alicia

"Believe"

by, Josh Groban

Children sleeping, snow is softly falling

Dreams are calling like bells in the distance

We were dreamers not so long ago

But one by one we all had to grow up

When it seems the magic's slipped away

We find it all again on Christmas day

Believe in what your heart is saying

Hear the melody that's playing

There's no time to waste

There's so much to celebrate

Believe in what you feel inside 

And give your dreams the wings to fly

You have everything you need

If you just believe

Trains move quickly to their journey's end

Destinations are where we begin again

Ships go sailing far across the sea

Trusting starlight to get where they need to be

When it seems that we have lost our way

We find ourselves again on Christmas day

Believe in what your heart is saying

Hear the melody that's playing

There's no time to waste

There's so much to celebrate

Believe in what you feel inside 

And give your dreams the wings to fly

You have everything you need

If you just believe 

Just believe

Learning to Let Go

Colors of gold, crimson, and yellow shine with fiery splendor in the evening sun,

Swaying in the branches like elegant silk fans waving in the hands of royalty.  

Majestically stunning are the canopies of leaves that fill the trees of autumn.  

A kaleidoscope of delicate parasols dance gracefully away and blanket the ground.  

I am filled with wonder as I lay on this vibrant patchwork spread beneath me.

Gazing up at the decorative boughs above, I watch quietly as more colors fall.

It's strange how beautiful the death of a leaf can be.    

The wind, like the Spirit, pulls each one from the grasp of the tree's fingertips,
What am I supposed to learn from this?

It whispers to me, "There are moments we hang on to and others we let go."

Perhaps this is the lesson God is trying to impress upon my heart;

To let go of my own interpretations, to release the need for all the answers,
To be at peace with the unknown, embrace the magic of the present, 

And trust myself to the wind no matter how vagrant I feel.
I close my eyes and question how I got here.  I guess it doesn't matter.

I breathe in deep the crisp harvest air and delight in the taste-

It's refreshing like sipping hot spearmint and chamomile tea on a winter's night.

All of creation is in the hands of God.  I nestle into the earth and feel heaven holding me.

I am not alone but am cared for like His finest and most precious jewel. 

He holds my future through every season.  I trust Him with all of my heart.

Happy day, all is well.

-Alicia

I Never Imagined!

I have three wonderful nephews serving missions right now.  My nephew, Bryson, serving in Mexico shared in his recent letter this new song from David Archuleta.  It's a song about Family History sung in Spanish.  

Now I probably only know how to say two sentences in Spanish.  I understand very, very little.  But, I recognized "que hora" "a hora" "ojos mi refelction" "estoy a que" which mean - "When?"  "Now!" "in my eyes a reflection" and "who I am."  Even though these are the only words I understood, the video helps tell the story, the sound of the music is absolutely beautiful, and the power of the message is crystal clear!    

This morning as I watched this video and read my nephew's letter, tears of gratitude streamed down my face for the Temple, for the privilage of searching out my ancestors, for learning their stories, and feeling them surround me in my life.  

In Women's Conference this last Saturday, Sister Carol McConkie quoted Mark Twain when she said, “The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”  I believe we discover our mission, our story, much more quickly as we discover our roots.  

Nunca Pensé means in English "I never thought" or "I never imagined."  I don't believe we truly comprehend the magnificent outpouring of heaven that is waiting to be called down, just waiting to tell their stories and help us discover ours.  I have faith that there are multitudes of angels on the other side watching over us!!  As our hearts turn to them, we open the door and let them in.  There are blessings that await us beyond our wildest dreams.  Those who have gone before already LOVE us and as we genuinely love them in return, we will witness miracles in our life that we could never ever imagine!

This is what it is to call down heaven!!  

"I won't give up if you don't give up... I'm calling all angels." - Cold Play

-Alicia ;)

But if Not

My husband and I had a wonderful conversation yesterday about the power of faith and heartfelt prayer in our lives.  We discussed at length our admiration for the brother of Jared to have the kind of faith that "he could not be kept from within the veil."  Joseph expressed that his greatest desire is to learn to listen and act upon the Spirit without hesitation. Such responsiveness is faith! He is absolutely sincere and I dearly love him for this desire!!

 I've been pondering a lot lately and have desperately wanted to know how closely I follow the Spirit in my own life.  I strive with all my heart to be "in tune" but I'm sure there are times I am not.  When I am "out of tune" or have impressions that are not from God, I pray the Lord will please show me so that I may not become one of those very elect who are deceived.

Most of the time I feel as if my eyes are covered by a veil and I can't see where the Lord is leading me.... but I've had glimpses that have "parted that veil," glimpses that pertain to my own personal future, glimpses that I am certain are from God but I do not understand them, I can't explain them, and I cannot pretend to know their meaning.  

So, I move on into the unknown.  And even though these questions linger, I'm learning to find peace, the kind of peace that if the Lord were to command us, I'd be ready to pick up all of our belongings and carry my little family somewhere far away from this beautiful place I call home. I trust that someday, somehow I will understand the meaning of these puzzle pieces that have been placed before me.  

There are volumes of mysteries in life, plenty of things I'm ignorant to.  But I DO know that God is shaping my soul.  I have prayed that He would refine me and make weak things become strong and I have truly felt His refining and strengthening power.  I still have quite a ways to go but God is ever faithful, always fair, and wonderfully good.  There is no question in my mind of His character.  It is my character that is on trial!

I know that God is a loving Father and gives me experiences that are custom fit to shape me and deepen my trust in Him.  I thank Him for such lessons even if they are painful at times or don't make a lot of sense.

"Men accomplish marvelous things by trusting in the Lord and keeping His commandments—by exercising faith even when they don’t know how the Lord is shaping them." - Elder Dennis E. Simmons - (April 2004 - But if Not) 

I remember when I first heard this talk by, Dennis Simmons. This is a great one!!  I've returned to listen to it many times.  It truly resonates clearly within my heart.  I am so blessed to have this Gospel! https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2004/04/but-if-not?lang=eng

-Alicia

The Vain Things of This World

A young women shared on Facebook the other day that she had just finished writing in her eighth journal.  It inspired me to be more diligent with my own writing. I wish with all my heart that I could say I recorded as much as she did when I was in high school.  (Honestly though, the stuff I wrote at that age is pretty embarrassing to say the least... so maybe it's for the better.) ;)

After I was married, I kept more of a consistent record.   The other night out of curiosity, I pulled a couple of my old journals off the shelf and spent an hour reading.  I feel grateful for what I have written but still wish I had recorded more .  While flipping through the pages, I stumbled across this entry about a dream I had in July of 2009.  It caught my eye because I've been thinking a lot about dreams lately and how they work in our lives.  I've only had a handful of them through the years that have left a deep enough impression on me to capture them with my journal or retell them.  I'm so thankful I wrote this one down because I forgot all about it.

I've been thinking about the interpretation of this one all day.  I believe there's a powerful lesson to be learned from it and I take it like a warning to me as a daughter of Zion, just as the scripture found in Isaiah 3:16-24 proclaims.

...........

7-13-2009
I had a strange dream last night.  I was looking around at a yard sale and found a old-fashioned vanity.  It was slightly taller than me, with cabinet doors that opened to a large mirror on the inside.  Make-up and perfume stacked in painted fancy bottles were arranged on the shelves and in the drawers. I gazed into the mirror at my reflection and to my horror watched it begin to age very rapidly and then crumble to dust.  I turned away in disbelief, shaking my head at what I just saw.  I looked back at my appearance in the mirror just to be certain I didn't imagine it.  Again the horrible reflection aged within seconds and then crumbled to dust.  "What is going on?!  I thought, "This vanity is evil!"  

There were other women at the yard sale.  I ran to some of them and asked if they would come and look at this and tell me if they saw the same thing.  The small crowd of women gathered around as I opened the cabinet doors to show them the mirror inside.  Sure enough, as I looked at my reflection, it crumbled again from rapid aging into dust.  
"Did you see that?! Did you see what happened to my reflection?!"  I said, pointing to the glass. 
The women standing around me answered, "No, we didn't see anything strange." They all agreed with each other, "Yeah, nothing happened, it was just a normal reflection."  
They all walked away irritated and gossiped among themselves that there was something wrong with me.  I stood there alone by the vanity and found a looking glass faced-down on the table among the perfume and bottles.  I wondered as I picked it up if it would do the same thing.  When I turned it toward me, I witnessed my image decay again.  Disgusted and utterly terrified, I threw the looking glass down on the ground like it was some sort of poisonous spider, "It's pure evil!!" I shouted.  I awoke in a panic until I realized I had only been dreaming.  I took a deep breath and tried to get back to sleep but couldn't help but think of all that happened.  I thought to myself that there must be a moral to learn from it.

As I lay there pondering, I remembered some counsel in my patriarchal blessing; 

"Now when you leave this life, you leave the vain things of this world, Alicia.  But there are many things that you won't leave - you'll take them with you and they'll become your eternal possession.  It's like storing up your treasures in heaven where moth nor rust doth decay.  You'll take all of the personality. You'll take all of the truth.  You'll take all of the knowledge.  You'll take all of the character. You'll take all of the virtue and the understanding of these sacred things and your sacred relationship with God and His Son, Jesus Christ."  

I thought about the words "leave the vain things of this world".  Vain means "hollow, pointless, no purpose."  It's interesting that it was a "vanity" in my dream.

...........

Reading this entry reminded me of a fireside I attended in college at the Salt Lake Tabernacle.  I can't remember who spoke but I remember them saying that our physical appearance, no matter who we are will reach a peak and then go downhill.  There is no investment of time or money, wardrobes, makeovers, fashion consultants, work out routines or diet, that will stop our physical bodies from deteriorating.  Yes, some things may slow the process down but eventually we will all turn to dust.  On the other hand, our spirit, the substance of who we really are doesn't have a limit of beauty.  There's no peak that it reaches before it begins to drop out.  Our soul will never grow old and actually has the potential to grow more beautiful and bright with every passing day, long after this life is over and into eternity.  It cannot be faked or worn as a mask.  It has nothing to do with appearances or the outward show.  It's all about the sincere focus of the heart.

"Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:  But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:  For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light." - Matthew 6:19-22

I pray the Lord will help me recognize when I am getting caught up in the vain things of this world and save me from myself.  I pray I will learn to focus more on those things that matter most and lay up treasures in heaven.

-Alicia

I Cannot Deny It

I'm back to the beginning and reading the Book of Mormon over again.  I love the testimony of Joseph Smith and the other witnesses at the preface.  One testimony that has been given but not found in these pages is that of Emma Smith, the wife of the prophet Joseph.  For a short period she assisted him in the translation. In her own words she describes how miraculous the translation of the Book of Mormon was.

“Although the Prophet would polish his skills over the years, Emma acknowledged that Joseph possessed only rudimentary literacy at the time he translated the gold plates:

“‘Joseph Smith … could neither write nor dictate a coherent and well-worded letter; let alone dictating a book like the Book of Mormon. And, though I was an active participant in the scenes that transpired, it is marvelous to me, “a marvel and a wonder,” as much so as to any one else.’ (Ibid)” (“A Treasured Testament,” Ensign, July 1993, 62–63).

It is nothing short of a miracle that Joseph Smith translated this powerful book!  I love what President Hugh B. Brown says in his dissertation "The Profile of a Prophet."

"I believe the Prophet Joseph Smith was a prophet because he did many superhuman things. One was translating the Book of Mormon. Some people will not agree, but I submit to you that the Prophet Joseph Smith in translating the Book of Mormon did a superhuman work. I ask you students to undertake to write a story on the ancient inhabitants of America, to write as he did without any source of material. Include in your story 54 chapters dealing with wars, 21 historical chapters, and 55 chapters on visions and prophecies. And, remember, when you begin to write on visions and prophecies, you must have your record agree meticulously with the Bible. You must write 71 chapters on doctrine and exhortation, and here, too, you must check every statement with the scriptures or you will be proven to be a fraud. You must write 21 chapters on the ministry of Christ, and everything you claim He said and did and every testimony you write in your book about Him must agree absolutely with the New Testament.

I ask you, would you like to undertake such a task? I would suggest to you too that you must employ figures of speech, similes, metaphors, narrations, exposition, description, oratory, epic, lyric, logic, and parables. Undertake that, will you?

I ask you to remember that the man who translated the Book of Mormon was a young man who hadn’t had the opportunity of schooling that you have had, and yet he dictated that book in just a little over two months and made very few, if any, corrections. For over one hundred years some of the best students and scholars of the world have been trying to prove from the Bible that the Book of Mormon is false, but not one of them has been able to prove that anything he wrote was not in strict harmony with the scriptures—with the Bible and with the word of God."- Hugh B. Brown

I have read and studied the Book of Mormon many times.  I know it is true!  I know Joseph Smith was a prophet called of God!  There are so many who struggle to believe though.  Joseph himself said: “I don’t blame anyone for not believing my history. If I had not experienced what I have, I would not have believed it myself."

Why is it that we are so skeptical of visions and revelation from heaven?  Perhaps because there are many stories where we hear of people who have been deceived.  

And how does a person know they are not being decieved?  I know that it's possible for me to be and that is why as far as communion with heaven, I may struggle with my own personal revelations regarding my own life and shake my head in disbelief. From time to time, I'll doubt if I have been led by the spirit or not...  
But even in all that I lack as far as gifts of the spirit, there is one thing I know I have not been decieved in and that is my testimony of this Gospel. I will never doubt the visions and dreams of Joseph Smith.  I know he was worthy, that he was divinely appointed to restore these things in this dispensation. I will never doubt the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon, the reality of living prophets on the earth,  that God has spoken and continues to speak to us, and that prayers are heard and answered.  

Some of my favorite words found in Joseph Smith's History are these from the prophet:

"I had actually seen a light, and in the midst of that light I saw two Personages, and they did in reality speak to me; and though I was hated and persecuted for saying that I had seen a vision, yet it was true; and while they were persecuting me, reviling me, and speaking all manner of evil against me falsely for so saying, I was led to say in my heart: Why persecute me for telling the truth? I have actually seen a vision; and who am I that I can withstand God, or why does the world think to make me deny what I have actually seen? For I had seen a vision; I knew it, and I knew that God knew it, and I could not deny it, neither dared I do it; at least I knew that by so doing I would offend God, and come under condemnation." Joseph Smith--History 1:25

What a blessing a treasure is found in this wonderful Gospel!  It is priceless and it all started with a book, The Book of Mormon. Ever since I read it for the first time through and all the many times after, I have felt its light in my life.  I know it's true and I know Joseph Smith was called of God. I know we have living prophets today with authority to speak in Christ's name and I cannot deny it!

-Alicia