Builders

"Let us do our work as well,

Both the unseen and the seen;

Make the house, where Gods may dwell,

Beautiful, entire, and clean."

- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882)

My foster daughter has shown quite a bit of improvement this past week.  She has had less melt-downs and less hitting.  She has been more compliant and has been communicating more politely with full and complete sentences.  She has even been letting me potty-train her (something she resisted with vengeance a few weeks ago). With the melt-downs fewer and farther between, our house has seemed more peaceful and the tension in all my children has decreased.

My foster daughter put together these blocks and said with excitement, "I'm building Alicia's house".  (I can't show the photo of her face but imagine an extremely proud grin.)  I'm sure in her mind, it was just simple play. but I like this picture because this is a good reminder to me to build my house right.

Over the holidays, we visited two of my husband's sister's homes.  My foster son was in complete awe of how huge their homes were.  He said a few things to them that made us uncomfortable. As we drove back to our place he kept making comments about how rich Joseph's sisters must be.
I leaned back over the driver's seat and said, "They do have very nice houses don't they? But that's not what makes their place a great place to live.  They are rich in much more important ways."
He stopped to consider what I meant.
I continued, "A house is made of brick and stone but a home is made of love alone."
"What's that supposed to mean?" He asked.
"Listen again. What do you think it's supposed to mean? 'A house is made of brick and stone but a home is made of love alone.'"
"I don't get it." My foster son huffed.
"It means that you could have the richest, most biggest house on the block, and it will be absolutely worthless if there is no love felt inside that home.  It also means that 'home' is more of a feeling, than an actual place."
He continued to reflect on my words but didn't say anymore.

In my short experience of being a foster mom, there is one principle of practice that keeps coming back to my mind: "to build-up"... to build each soul that lives here.  I'm learning how important it is to recognize the smallest accomplishments, to praise each person for their efforts (even if they don't meet my expectations and especially when I don't feel like offering praise). What kind of house am I building?  What feelings reside within these walls and am I making it the place where there is enough love for Gods and angels to dwell?

"For the structure that we raise,

Time is with materials filled;

Our to-days and yesterdays

Are the blocks with which we build.

Truly shape and fashion these;

Leave no yawning gaps between;

Think not, because no man sees,

Such things will remain unseen.

In the elder days of Art,

Builders wrought with greatest care

Each minute and unseen part;

For the Gods see everywhere."

-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882)

-Alicia

So blessed!

I'm so grateful for this new home we've been blessed with.  It's charming, absolutely charming! All of our family who has visited us here have been enchanted by it too.

I'm also very pleased with the neighbors we've met already.  Today was a great day at church.  I was surprised how many people were eager to talk with us and shake our hands.  They made us feel incredibly welcome.

It's a bonus that we have the Temple in our ward too.  I love that beautiful City Center Temple so much!

Peace fills my heart and I know we are right were we need to be.  I'm confident that this was a very good move.

-Alicia

"I Am In Your Midst" - Ponderize - Week 48

Like the rushing of a furious wind, rapid changes have been happening all around these past couple of months and I feel as if I'm being swept in a current beyond my control.  When I try to stop, it seems the wrenching force increases and I surrender again, facing the fact that I am bound to a destination I cannot see.

Fall Semester starts for me today.  I contemplated dropping my class because of all the dramatic changes we are going through at this time but I couldn't do it.  I feel very strongly that I need to take at least one class every fall and winter and that by the grace of God I'll make it through no matter the difficulty of my schedule or circumstances.

Here I am again at the crossroads... A distinct and noticeable ache presses on my heart.  All of my belongings are packed and I'm heading out into an unknown future.  In just a few short weeks I'll be living in a new home and a new ward.  Leaving the watchcare of our current bishop is undeniably difficult.  I'm forever grateful for his faith, his prayers, his testimony, his priesthood blessings, his leadership, and for the activities and events he has inspired in this area.  What a vision has taken place!  Our experiences here have been absolutely magical.  They've created a sublime level of unity I've never realized possible in a ward family.  Words cannot adequately express my gratitude for our bishop. One can't leave a place like this without a void being made, a recognizable hole.  The scar tissue will serve as a reminder of how much I miss what was once there.

Something is happening within this  newly-formed Freedom Stake, something miraculous.  There are many who feel it.  We are witnessing Zion being built, a very real and literal Zion.  It may be hard to believe but if one could experience a fraction of what I've tried to describe, they would know without a doubt for themselves that the hand of God is on this people.  As this heavenly gathering takes place, there will also be great dissensions.  I pray our roots will be strong and deep in fertile soil.

These changes taking place are Divinely appointed, of that I'm sure.  We cannot see the future, we are not meant to see it... for our faith must be strengthened, our faith must be fortified, and our faith must be exercised if we are to have it become unshaken. Time will move swiftly and it is essential that our priorities stay in order: Faith and family first.

I am confident that once we move into our new home, we will receive the permanent placements of foster children.  Excitement and fear both prod my mind as I contemplate this prospect.
Excitement: To care for these children who desperately need a family, these refugees who need someone to love them unconditionally and to know that they belong somewhere.
And Fear: For all the dynamics involved in becoming the mother of someone else's children seemingly overnight, to be committed to loving them and caring for them as if they are my own. While at the same time, I must remain ever mindful of my own children and monitor carefully the anxieties and stresses they will inevitably be under living with new siblings complete with habits and mannerisms absolutely foreign to them.

I searched through my scriptures this morning, seeking to find one that I could ponder for the week -from the Psalms of David, to the Acts of the Apostles, to verses in the Book of Mormon, and so on.
I finally settled with this one in Doctrine and Covenants:

"Behold, verily, verily, I say unto you that mine eyes are upon you. I am in your midst and ye cannot see me;  But the day soon cometh that ye shall see me, and know that I am; for the veil of darkness shall soon be rent, and he that is not purified shall not abide the day. Wherefore, gird up your loins and be prepared. Behold, the kingdom is yours, and the enemy shall not overcome." 

- D&C 38:7-9

I don't know what the future holds, but I know Who holds the future.  He is in our midst and I trust this.

-Alicia

A Little Piece of Heaven

Last week, early Friday morning, we discovered a cute little house in excellent condition within our price-range.  It seemed to have everything we were looking for... only I wasn't extremely fond of the location.  Nevertheless, we immediately scheduled with our realtor to take a look at it.   Throughout the day, we told our friends about it too. It seemed so promising.  After numerous attempts, our realtor informed us late that evening that she just couldn't get the selling agent to respond.  It seemed that within less than 12 hours of our inquiry about it, the listing was taken down because another buyer made an offer and it went under contract.  We were both disappointed, everything else about the place would have been great.

That night, as I laid in bed reflecting on the events of the day, I remembered that morning when I was up on campus waiting for my friend, Jennifer, to give her forth-day lecture for Education Week.  I made it to class a few minutes early. The hum of friendly chatter filled the room as people found their seats and greeted one another.  I met a sweet woman in her late 70's and we talked as we waited for the lecture to begin.  Jennifer came around the back of the room and turned up the isle I was sitting on.  She patted me on the shoulder as she passed and asked how our house hunting was going.
With a sigh, I replied, "We backed out of the house in the 11th ward.  There were way too many issues with it."
"Oh no.  I'm so sorry to hear that." she said sincerely. In the same breath she asked, "Have you re-considered my friend Sherry's house in the 6th ward? She hasn't had any bites on her place at all."  Jennifer looked at the clock.  Class was starting soon. "Think about it," she said as she waved and hurried to the front of the room. Sherry works with Jennifer in the Stake Young Women's Presidency.  Sherry received notice that her family had to move out of their home the exact same day we discovered we had to leave ours..., only her situation was that her husband was being offered a job in Idaho.

Flashback One Month Ago:
Jennifer called me after one of her presidency meetings to tell us about her friend's house and encouraged us to arrange a time to walk through it.  We set up an appointment the next day.  Sherry's place was one of the very first homes we looked at.  It's was a charming little house built in 1895 with a front porch like I've always wanted, a rod-iron fence, a large fireplace,  an attic for the children to play in, and a swing hanging from a gorgeous tree in the front yard.  But the cost was a little higher than our target price.  Plus, it only had three rooms and one was just barely large enough to fit two children. State law requires that the foster kids must have  at least  40 sq ft of bedroom space for each child. 

I really hadn't considered that house again until Jennifer reminded me about it over a month later that morning in her Education Week class.  "Have you re-considered my friend Sherry's house?...Think about it,"
Well, I did think about it... in fact, it was all I could think about during Jennifer's lecture.
I imagined to myself how I could make that 3-bedroom place work and how we could afford to pay slightly more per month.

The foster kids have bedroom-living-space regulations but I can let my biological kids have a room anywhere we want.  Maybe it could work?  That's when I recalled that there was sort-of a forth room there even though they couldn't include it as such in the listing.  It was a small little space right off the entry way  that was not much larger than a good-sized walk-in closet.  It could fit a twin mattress and still have a couple square feet left over.  Chandler would take that room without any objection... he has always expressed how badly he wants a room of his own.  Well, he could have it here..  It would be tight but I really don't think he'd mind so much as long as it made him feel more independent.

I discussed with Joseph my ideas of how we could make the 1895 house work.  He agreed and definitely felt more comfortable with the move-in conditions of the place compared to other homes we had looked at.  We still couldn't believe that no one had made an offer on it yet.

We put our bid in Saturday morning and then right on our heels came another bid Monday.  But the owner had not only heard my name from her friend, Jennifer... It turns out that the Stake Primary President, whom I'll be serving with, had a conversation with the seller about me Sunday.  I don't know what the other bid was but the seller ended up accepting ours Monday night.  We offered just barely below asking price and we're so glad we moved on this place when we did.

There are lots of things I really love about this new home of ours but my favorite is that it's still very close to the place I love so much and to our beautiful  City Center Temple.  Even within its walls there are reminders of that Temple, complete with stain-glass windows and the same circle and square or "heaven and earth" motif in the door frames.  :)

I think I'm gonna like it here.
-Alicia

Searching

Well, we've cancelled the contract for the home we were considering.  My husband has been terribly uneasy about it and I feel like I've been grasping at straws trying to somehow make it work in my own mind.  The seller is refusing to pay for the cost to rewire the house.  It's riddled with exposed live wires and other fire hazards.  I wish that this were the only issue with the home.  There are other concerns not as major but still pretty big deals and the sellers just won't go down anymore in price to make the purchase worth the headaches.

I'm sad.
My kids and I all had our hopes up that we could stay in this area.  I guess there's still a possibility we could find something else or the seller could change their mind.

For now, it's back to searching.  I'm feeling worn from it all and can hardly bring myself to keep looking.  None of us ever wanted to move... especially me.

I listened to my friend, Jennifer, give a presentation at BYU today for Education Week.  She actually spoke about re-wiring... not for a house of course, but a way to re-wire our minds and hearts through the process of daily rituals, through diligent scripture study and sincere heart-felt prayer.  She testified of how good the Lord is, that He hears every petition.  She quoted Joseph Smith in saying, "Come to God weary him until He blesses you."  I reflected on my personal scripture study this morning "Ask, and ye shall receive; knock and it shall be opened unto you"(3 Nephi 27:29) and where the Savior inquires of His servants, "What is it that ye desire of me?" (3 Nephi 28:1)

The Lord knows what I desire!
If I have not wearied Him, I've certainly wearied myself in pleading to stay close by this beautiful place.  Like a tree that thrives and blossoms near a stream, somehow my spirit needs this closeness for my soul.

Maybe it's me who needs the re-wiring?
-Alicia

House On Fire, Leave It All Behind You

Tomorrow would have been the day we were supposed to be out of our apartment.  I'm so grateful that things worked for us to do month-to-month rent so we don't have that pressure anymore.

We had an offer accepted on a house just a couple blocks away from where we live now.  The home was built in 1920 and for the last couple of decades, maybe more, it's been used as a rental.  Needless to say, it hasn't been kept up much at all.  It's because of its condition though that we were able to get the price down $30K less than what is comparable.

We received the inspection report yesterday and it turns out, the house is one big huge fire disaster waiting to happen.  The inspector was very surprised that it hadn't burnt down yet.  This news has been disheartening for me because there's a slight chance we won't be able to get this home.

I know it is in bad shape but its extremely difficult to find something of its size in this neighborhood for under $200K and we are under contract for $194K.  It's a five-bedroom, almost six actually, because the front porch was converted into a small room.  We easily pre-approved for our loan because our credit score is in the 800's but the only trouble is we can't over-borrow to do repairs. The loan will work for the mortgage alone and nothing more.

We know that according to our income, we already qualify for the weatherization program... something we intend to take advantage of to fix all the broken windows and drafty doors.  Tomorrow, I will spend the day trying to get an estimate of how much the repairs will cost and making phone calls to the City seeing if they have any other home-improvement programs like the weatherization for new buyers.  I have a friend who moved into old home here and the City took care of all their electrical and plumbing updating as part of an incentive to draw in long-time residents who would improve the quality of the area.  Both my husband and I have been fasting today that we could be this fortunate.

I just got a new church calling assuming that I will still be in this neighborhood.  I hope it's a foreshadowing that everything will work out here.  I pray it does.

In two weeks, I start at BYU again for Fall Semester.  It will be my first writing class since the community college 20 years ago.  I'm very excited and a little nervous.  I don't know exactly how much our house situation will complicate my studies.  I'll just keep moving forward and hope for the best.

In my scriptures this morning, I must have read and re-read the verses from the Sermon on the Mount twenty times over.  I'm asking to stay in this area.  I'm asking to have a home in our price-range.  I'm asking for it to be large enough to fit a few more children.  Dear Father, I want to stay!

"Ask, and it shall be given unto you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.
For every one that asketh, receiveth; and he that seeketh, findeth; and to him that knocketh, it shall be opened.
Or what man is there of you, who, if his son ask bread, will give him a stone?
Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?
If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father who is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?" - Matt 7: 7-11

Step Outside
Praying for miracles!
-Alicia

Give Me a Revelation

We looked for some homes in Springville the other day.  As my husband and I rode out there we both felt, "This is too far."  We took the tour quickly because it seemed so pointless after getting the impression we did.

I spoke with my friend, Jed, yesterday who told me the story of how he and his wife found their first home in our neighborhood.  They prayed about where to move not ever living in Provo before and practically mapped out our current ward boundaries.  They drove around looking for a house up for sale and found nothing.  Then a few days later, Jed had the impression to drive down that same street again and a guy was just walking out with a "For Sale by Owner" sign.  He knew instantly that was where they were to move.
What I wouldn't give to have that kind of clear revelation!
Just put the sign up for us, Lord, right as I'm driving by!

I knelt in earnest prayer this morning begging for my Father in Heaven to give us some direction.  I felt the impression come to me.  "I already have.  You knew this was where you were supposed to be eight years ago, either in the 11th ward or the 3rd ward, it didn't really matter... this was right where you were supposed to be."
I prayed again, "Yes, but is it where we are meant to stay?  Because I'm having a hard time determining Thy will from my own desires.  I cannot seem to pull myself away from this place.  Every fiber of my being wants to stay here but at the same time, I don't want to resist direction otherwise."

Perhaps part of the pull that draws me in are the unanswered questions to all of my "coincidental" experiences here... and that maybe... somehow by sticking around a little longer, I'll discover more pieces to the puzzle.  I've shared so much of my story but have hardly seen the other half and I've just got to know more!  Nevertheless, not my will but "as thou wilt".

I'm praying for my heart to be open to other places.  Tonight, we will go and look at a home in the far south-west part of Provo.  Dear Father, I pray.  Help us to know, please show us.  Is my heart blocking the way or do I follow it?  Because if I follow my heart, it's already here!

-Alicia

Thy Will Be Done

No Matter Where We Go

Chandler hasn't said a lot about this move.  He spends most of his time with headphones on listening to his music.  I catch a glimpse of myself as I've observed over the years how he takes such a deep interest in finding the right song for every occasion.  I can't help but think it's a "love language" for him too.

Recently, he's been playing this one by Andy Grammer.  The lyrics sing, "No matter where we go, we'll always find our way back home."  It's caught on with all the kids and has become the most requested since Chandler discovered it two weeks ago.  That line from the song is stuck in our heads now and it's absolutely perfect for the occasion!

Chandler doesn't express it but he's aching with the thought of having to leave this neighborhood, I know he is.  We all are. But we find comfort in knowing that nothing needs to stop us from our  desire to stay.  We can find ways... and make ways to return.  We have family here, brothers and sisters we love so very much!!

Thank you, Chandler, for the music! It speaks right to my heart.

"We won't forget where we came from
The city won't change us
We beat to the same drum...
No matter where we go, we always find our way back home."

-Alicia

In the Lord's Timing

We've been seriously looking at at a home to buy.  And we had one that we made an offer on but not an official offer.  We just texted the seller the other night and asked if he would consider our price and he agreed.  He sent us the paperwork for the official offer tonight with a promise that we would love the home and that he's excited to have us move there.

But we couldn't sign it.

This morning and all day we have felt frustration and confusion about buying this home even though it seems to fit just fine for what we need.  We could even move into it in a couple of weeks if we wanted.  Everything is ready... but something isn't settling with us.  We keep feeling like we need to wait. It's been hard because we don't want to look back with regret and realize we passed up a great home.  It has also been hard to discern between "a stupor of thought" or just our own desires to stall and hang on to what we have here.

Last week, when we were considering a different home and things fell through, Joseph picked up the Ensign wondering what direction it might have for us.  He came across an article entitled, "According to the Will and Timing of the Lord"  by, Elder Bednar.  It was so applicable for our situation!  This principle has returned to both our minds several times over this process,  "It's not ready yet.  Not yet."  The question is: Do we have the courage to trust this?  Do we trust that there is something better out there?

We can look more.  We can take our time.  The Lord softened our Landlady's heart to allow us month-to-month.  Maybe it's meant for us to take advantage of that?

We knelt and prayed tonight and presented our decision to the Lord to pass on this home and to wait a little longer.  As we did so, we both felt the tension leave us and peace return.  Joseph emailed the seller to inform him that we won't be signing the offer.  This wasn't easy to make but we feel good with it.

Tomorrow we are going to the Temple together to seek more guidance and inspiration.  We pray with all our hearts that we might be in tune enough to recognize where exactly we need to be.

"Strong faith in the Savior is submissively accepting of His will and timing in our lives—

even if the outcome is not what we hoped for or wanted." 

- Elder David A. Bednar

-Alicia

A Day in the Life

I spent most of yesterday just boxing and organizing the kids rooms.  It has felt really good to finally go through things and sort out what we can get rid of.  I've secretly wanted to have a good strong purge of all our stuff before our foster kids were placed with us and this forced-move has been a wish granted in that way.

We looked at a house last night that we made an offer on.  It's not "far away in the west".  It's actually east... about nine blocks east and five blocks south.  But when you're a Mormon living in Utah that means a completely new Ward and Stake.  I actually think it could be in the Ward my dear friend, Lou Crandall, attends.  He said he has been so worried about me since he heard the news and has been praying for me every day, praying that we can stay close.   It's his 87th birthday today.  I wish he were doing well.  His health has been fading this past week and he is very sick.  He's been in and out of the hospital.  I called to send him birthday wishes.  He could barely talk...   I certainly hope he pulls through.

Today has been good so far.  My younger brother called and we talked for a while.  I love it when Kenneth calls.  He's such a good guy.  He and his wife will be having their second child soon, Lily will finally have a little brother.  Kenneth told me all about the housing market in Texas and tried to convince me to move down there.  It would be so nice to be close to him. Chances are that will never happen though... but I'm so glad he and I can spend hours talking on the phone catching up with each other.

My best friend, Suzanne, took me out to lunch this afternoon.  She said when she found out that we were having to move it seemed as if her heart dropped like a lead ball into her stomach.  I said I felt the same way.  We talked for some time about what a great area this is.  The people here are our family, we have made strong bonds and deep attachments with them! Of course talking about how much we both love this place caused the tears to well up in my eyes again and I had to use all my Zupa napkins like Kleenexes.  Maybe the people around me didn't notice or maybe they just thought, "Dang! That must be some spicy peanut sauce!"

Joseph and Micah made me a balloon chandelier today that is quite hilarious to look at. Even when they were making it, I could hear them giggling about how it was turning out. I can't decide which I enjoyed more, eavesdropping on their surprise or the actual surprise.  It adds a nice circus atmosphere to the maze of boxes in our chaotic fun house.

My friend, Vanessa, sent me a text today.  I called her back and caught her during her lunch break. It's been about a year since we talked over the phone.   I discovered that everything she holds dear in her life is completely falling apart. She cried and cried and my heart broke for her.  She apologized for speaking so much about herself.  I reassured her that she needed to.  She needed to confide in someone and I was glad to be a sounding board.  It made me appreciate how easy my life is.  At that moment, I wished I could move to Leeds, Utah just to wrap my arms around her.  We decided that as soon as I am able, I'm going to take her for a nice beach vacation in Monterrey .

Tonight, Joseph and I rode the motorcycle and went out to eat, just the two of us.  Does anyone else get bugged by restaurants that have 20 T.V. screens going at once?  What does that say about our society's screen addiction?  I feel like people don't know how to talk face-to-face anymore.  Still, we were able to tune out the media madness for the most part and have some great conversation.

Speaking of media though... there is a time and a place for it.  I must admit that we both really love a good show.  When we returned home from our dinner date, Joseph asked if I had any movie requests.  "Well, I can think of one that never grows old to me. Plus, it's perfect as we get ready for the next adventure of our lives and step out into the unknown."
He agreed.

Watching Mitty, for me, was the perfect ending for the day. I'm forever grateful for the lives that have touched mine.  Especially those whose influence inspires me so much more than they know.

"To see the world, things dangerous to come, 

to see behind walls, draw closer, 

to find each other, and to feel. 

That is the purpose of life.” 

-Alicia ;)

"Which God for us prepared..." Ponderize - Week 43

We sang "Come Come, Ye Saints" yesterday for our closing hymn in Sacrament meeting.  I couldn't hold back the tears as I sung the words, especially this part.  It felt so personal to our family situation.

We'll find the place which God for us prepared,

Far away in the West,

Where none shall come to hurt or make afraid;

There [your children] will be blessed.

This verse really struck Joseph too and we talked about it later.  We have both felt that the Lord is preparing a very specific place for our family, a place where our children and our foster children can thrive and feel free to be who they are.... And a place that will open our options to what children we are able to take in.  Currently in this apartment, we could only take in one boy and or one girl.  But if we found a home with four large enough rooms, it would open the options for us to take in two boys, or maybe two girls, or one of each.  It even opens the option of a possible third foster kid. We're expanding our search to Springville and Orem.

Could the place which He has prepared for us also be "far away in the west"? Today, I found a lovely little four bedroom home on the far west side of Provo that seems to have everything we are looking for.  It's not in the "beautiful place" I love so much... Oh, how I wish it was.  But just the same, the early saints had to leave their Nauvoo which means "Beautiful Place." 

Wherever we end up, I know it will be exactly where we need to be. Yet, I will never forget all I have come to love so much here. This place will always feel like home to me.  It's forever in my mind and memory, never to be forgotten - It is far too important.

I will come back to my little skating place too on occasion, maybe some late evening when I need a moment to myself to unwind.  And just like I've done since I was a kid, I'll have my wheels, my skates, my board, and my headphones; everything I need to bring back my mojo.

We really don't know where we are going yet but we know Who is taking us there.  I've got a feeling that the biggest part of the adventure is yet to be!

"And if I [the Lord] go and prepare a place for you,

 I will come again, and receive you unto myself; 

that where I am, there ye may be also.

And whither I go ye know, and the way ye know."

- John 14:3

  -Alicia

Far Away and Anywhere

Not letting go!

I can't sleep. Normally, sleep is never an issue for me.  I must be having such a hard time with this move.  I so desperately do not want to leave this place that I love so very, very much!

We've decided that we don't want to rent anymore, we just want our own home.  If we do rent again, it could only be for a very short time, a month-to-month, because we are anxious to have a permanent place for our foster children.  Any kind of move would mean they would be absorbed back into the hands of others in the foster community until we had a home that has been officially evaluated and meets State regulations for being foster ready. (A process which can take several weeks maybe months.) We've decided that foster care will have to be on hold until we find a permanent place to avoid any additional disruption in these children's lives.  But foster kids or not, it's just a massive hassle to move from here to a temporary location, only to move again.

My husband and I have lived five other places since we were first married... it's been so nice to stay here as long as we have.  If it weren't for the struggles we've had with our landlady, we could live here forever.

Saturday evening we spent a lot of time searching online for homes, condos, or town-homes (anything a little larger than what we have here).  We won't give up the search but it seems that nothing large enough for our family is under $200K in our ward. We had a special fast as a family yesterday, even our friends, the Wilsons, fasted together for us. My friend, Carol, called me and advised me to stay close to the Spirit and to not narrow my options to just this ward or Stake but to seek first where the Lord would have us be.  She is a wise woman and I'm so glad for the day I miraculously met her.  We will have no problems staying in close touch.

Yesterday in church, we had so many friends offer to help us and I kept feeling this mixture of gratitude, joy, pain, sorrow, and loss.  One moment I'd be smiling and the next I'd have tears streaming down my face.

I want to do all I can to stay connected to this place I call home.  The visits may be fewer and farther between but I could never leave this beautiful place completely: No, not after what I've experienced and not after the dreams I've had.   To disconnect completely would be too much for my soul to bear.  This will be tough no matter what but I can see myself dancing my way through it. ;) I pray there will be lots of dances.  This place I call home has changed my life, my whole world, everything!!  It cannot be forgotten.  It has "awakened me out of a deep sleep".  It helped me remember my mission, my dreams, and all I want to become.  I am forever grateful!

I will continue on with BYU: I will not let go and I'll continue to reach for my dream that I've had for so many years of being an inspiring writer and speaker.  Down the road, I can envision myself taking my words and using them as a tool to be a powerful advocate, a voice for the importance of the family, especially for children, for foster children, and defender of the sanctity of life.  I am confident that my experiences in the future with both formal education and fostering will help to make my voice heard loud and clear in the courthouses, in the schools, and in the communities.  There are many good things to come.
Just watch and see....
I'm gonna Carpe this Diem!!!

-Alicia :)

.

At Peace

"Patience is being at peace with the process of life."

In just the past few days, my email has been overloaded with over 20 messages about training sessions, support groups, and family events within the foster care community.  It's exciting for me to see how much these groups rally around each other. I've got a feeling I'm gonna like being in the midst of it all.  It's very humbling to be able to rub shoulders with some extremely incredible people.  I feel like they all have so much to teach me.   One of the directors (who has 2 bio children and 15 adopted)  had this quote attached to his email that I really liked.  It's such a simple yet profound statement: "Patience is being at peace with the process of life."

I think I need this now more than ever.  We just got an eviction notice from our landlady.  She didn't give a reason for wanting us to leave just told us we have 30 days to do so.  She's a very difficult woman to work with.  We're not the first with this complaint... all the tenants who have moved out of here in the last couple of years have had some serious struggles with her.  She was fine with us for all these years because we never complained or asked for anything. In fact, while living here, I took care of most of the repairs and only asked that the cost of the part or fixture be taken from the rent.

But when we started going the way of foster care, there were several things we needed to have fixed up before we had our home study.  With a home study our place has to be approved by the State and meet certain requirements.  So, I called our landlady in and addressed a few issues.  I actually felt like our communication that day went well.  She toured the apartment with me and agreed that there were several neglected areas that fell under her responsibility. But then she said something on the way out the door that was a red flag; She said, "I don't like the idea of you bringing more children into this place one bit.  I'm going to have to think about this."  I explained to her that legally we fit just fine.  It didn't matter.  The truth is, she just doesn't like children in general: toys on the grass, the mud Miriam loves to play in, bikes and skateboards that fill the racks.  The concrete stairs outside had been eroding from weather and corrosion from salt and she told Joseph on the phone that she was certain our children had been chipping away at them.  She wants to rent the whole place out to newly married or college students because she won't have children to deal with.  Her obsession with order and having everything fit perfectly into her plans has made her so extremely uptight that I wonder how she ever survived having 7 children!!  I feel very sorry for her.  I can't imagine what she would have done if she had ever stumbled across one of our skate parties.  I think she would have had a heart-attack right there.

A few years ago, our neighbor tried planting some tomatoes in a weed-covered area.  Our neighbor fixed the soil real nice and made a beautiful patch of garden.  Our landlady came in, ripped it up and poured an ugly slab of concrete over it.  This year when my husband and I found a weedy area and did the same, planting mint leaves and tomatoes, she said to us, "I don't think your garden is going to work out for you because I just put year-round weed and plant killer in that soil so nothing can grow there."  We said we'd take our chances.  Of course, she didn't like that at all.

Speaking of gardens...
What was that word I needed to remember again??  Oh yeah... Patience!
I really do believe this whole thing is a blessing in disguise.  And surprisingly, it kind-of sprung Joseph OUT of his depression that I posted about yesterday.  He's so happy to be done with this landlady.  He's been wanting to move but couldn't really decide.  Now the decision is set for us and made that part easier for him.  For this, I am very grateful.

Off the fly last night, we threw together a skate party with some of the other tenants and a few old friends.  Joseph came out and celebrated with us.  He hopped on the Ripstik and danced to some music.  I was very, very proud of him!!

We're trying to keep our heads up.  I couldn't sleep last night and I've cried a lot.  There are people here that I just can't bear to leave.  I feel like half of my body is being severed from me!! My heart is aching, it's just completely broken.  Nevertheless, I am at peace.  I really believe this will be a good change.  We will need a bigger place to foster.  In fact both of us think we may end up fostering, perhaps adopting more than two children.  Heck!  We might even end up like our director with 15 more! Ha ha!

-Alicia

Sunrise

“Grace shall be as your day”—what an interesting phrase. We have all sung it hundreds of times, but have we stopped to consider what it means? “Grace shall be as your day”: grace shall be like a day. As dark as night may become, we can always count on the sun coming up. As dark as our trials, sins, and mistakes may appear, we can always have confidence in the grace of Jesus Christ. Do we earn a sunrise? No. Do we have to be worthy of a chance to begin again? No. We just have to accept these blessings and take advantage of them. As sure as each brand-new day, grace—the enabling power of Jesus Christ—is constant. Faithful pioneers knew they were not alone. The task ahead of them was never as great as the power behind them." - Brad Wilcox

Feeling Grace

"Warm rays of sunlight stream down upon me and dance across my face.

Darkness is dispelled as the morning breaks.

I breathe in the crisp refreshing air that follows a summer rain.

I smile.

I breathe deep again.

I feel blessed, I feel free.

I am home.

A new day has arrived,

I am rested and renewed.

Hope is alive,

It pulses through my veins.

There is nothing I fear,

I am safe here.

And it's only the beginning..."

By, Alicia Rawlins 2009

The Rule of Law

I've been fascinated with the reading assignments in my American Heritage class.  Some of my recent ones have been: John Winthrop's - A Model of Christian Charity, James Harrington's The Commonwealth of Oceana, and my personal favorite, John Locke's - Second Treatise of Government. This might be boring to some but it's very interesting to me because these concepts and principles were highly studied, closely examined, and adopted by the Founding Fathers of this great nation.  They were principles designed to organize a government that would protect and uphold the natural rights and freedom of the people.

Maybe it’s because I’m paying my own way to go to school or maybe it’s because I’m a mom approaching my 40’s that causes me to feel more hungry for knowledge than ever before… I don’t know but whatever it is, this education experience is very precious and extremely valuable to me.  I guess the older I get in life, the more I realize how little time I have and how much more there is to learn.

As I’ve been studying about these various systems of government, I can’t help but ask myself; What kind of government have I been running in my home? How do I protect the freedom of my children? Do they understand our family laws and the purpose behind them? Do they have a say in the way these laws are created and enforced?

John Locke teaches that government is not about ruling the people but about protecting them.  Every person has inalienable or a natural right to life, liberty, and property.

"The power, then, that parents have over their children, arises from that duty which is incumbent on them, to take care of their off-spring, during the imperfect state of childhood.  To inform the mind, and govern the actions of their yet ignorant [youth], till reason shall take its place." - John Locke (Second Treatise of Government)

How do we inform the minds of our children or govern their actions while they are young?

I believe they need clear vision... for the scriptures say, “Where there is no vision, the people perish” - Proverbs 29:18

About five or so years ago, my husband and I attempted to increase the vision of our children by establishing a mission statement. We recite it once a week in our home and it’s been very helpful...  But after studying Locke and his view of a free government, I see more and more the need for written and enforced law agreed upon by family consent. I interpret this to look like some sort of family council.  I must admit that this is something my husband and I have only talked about but have never officially established.  

"The liberty of man in society, is to be under no other legislative power, but that established, BY CONSENT, in the commonwealth" - John Locke (Second Treatise of Government)

I searched the definition of Commonwealth and discovered:

Common = Shared

Weal = prosperous and happiness (1828 Dictionary)

God has written law for His children in order that we might find happiness... We call it the scriptures and the words of the living prophets.  We rely upon this law to give us direction and we consent to follow through covenants.  But some laws aren’t so easily accepted...

President Boyd K. Packer taught:

" Parents know, and one day you will know, that there are times when parents and we who lead the Church must extend tough love when failing to teach and to warn and to discipline is to destroy… In spite of criticism or opposition, we must teach and we must warn." - Boyd K. Packer (Oct. 2000)

As parents, we have a serious responsibility to teach and warn.  In our families, I personally believe that consent to such warnings or law comes more readily when we have a clear understanding and vision of their purpose.  If we are to “inform the minds” of our children we must also adequately help them see the dangers and pitfalls of this world and establish boundaries that protect their freedom.

Our children must know the great purpose of "law is not to abolish or restrain, but to preserve and enlarge freedom.... where there is no law there is no freedom... freedom is not, as we are told, a liberty for every man to do what he lists."- John Locke (Second Treatise of Government)

A nation without law is anarchy not freedom… So also, a family that has no law, has no freedom.

Our homes must be established and founded.  Rules must be clear.  I don't think gathering a family to counsel together has to be long or drawn out, complicated or fancy.

"The best leaders are not those who work themselves to death trying to do everything single-handedly; the best leaders are those who follow God’s plan and counsel with their councils.

“Come now,” said the Lord in an earlier dispensation through the prophet Isaiah, “and let us reason together” (Isa. 1:18). And in this dispensation, He repeated that admonition: “Let us reason together, that ye may understand” (D&C 50:10).

Let us remember that the basic council of the Church is the family council…  I testify that we can bring the full force of God’s revealed plan for gospel governance into our ministries as we counsel together." - Elder M. Russell Ballard - Counseling With Our Councils - 1994

With these things in mind, I'm excited that my husband and I are going to be starting our own family government, where we can “open the floor” for each child to share their issues, for us to teach and inform them, warn and guide them, but also listen and establish written laws together, to allow them voice, to give clear vision, and where we all can consent and maximize on our freedom.  We'll be learning as we go... I'll keep you posted.  :)

-Alicia

Understanding the Pain of Separation

I've made a goal to buckle down and work on my Young Women's Personal Progress.  I've chosen every Tuesday morning to be my day for this.  It's pretty easy to record online and I can enter my journal notes right there on the website.  As young women leaders, we're all going to take turns letting the girls know how our own progress is going and we hope it will inspire them to keep moving on theirs.

This morning, I spent some time studying about the Atonement and the Plan of Salvation.  In the church, these are fundamental doctrines we have learned over and over our entire lives.  With the frequency of these topics, it might be easy to lose interest but I was really grateful to take a moment, read the scriptures related, and reflect on a couple of questions.  "How does the knowledge of these teachings affect my actions, help me understand my identity, and strengthen my faith?"

Understanding that we are literal spirit children of God, that we lived with Him before we came to earth, that we knew each other, is an incredibly amazing teaching.  It's unique to the Restored Gospel but I believe that there are many outside the church who have been given a sense of this great truth:

"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience." -Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations - these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit - immortal horrors or everlasting splendors.” 
― C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

Our spirits are eternal in nature.  This tangible light has a life-span we cannot comprehend. Joseph Smith expounded in his King Follett Sermon;

"I want to reason more on the spirit of man; for I am dwelling on the body and spirit of man—on the subject of the dead. I take my ring from my finger and liken it unto the mind of man—the immortal part, because it had no beginning. Suppose you cut it in two; then it has a beginning and an end; but join it again, and it continues one eternal round. So with the spirit of man. As the Lord liveth, if it had a beginning, it will have an end. All the fools and learned and wise men from the beginning of creation, who say that the spirit of man had a beginning, prove that it must have an end; and if that doctrine is true, then the doctrine of annihilation would be true. But if I am right, I might with boldness proclaim from the housetops that God never had the power to create the spirit of man at all. God himself could not create himself.

Intelligence is eternal and exists upon a self-existent principle. It is a spirit from age to age and there is no creation about it. All the minds and spirits that God ever sent into the world are susceptible of enlargement."

God is an eternal being, we are all eternal beings.  God is all about gathering, about "oneness", about togetherness.  Even when we speak of being separated from God, it is not His undoing but our own.  He is not the one who severs ties, who divides relationships, or breaks apart - these are things that exist in the physical and temporal realm.  And those who never learn to live by and receive Christ's spirit will be bound to this physical and temporal plane of existence.

This must be why there is pain in separation, because such an experience flows completely contrary to our Divine nature.  Nevertheless, it is a necessary part of our growth and learning.  Everything that hurts us, that is painful, ministers to our mortal education here on earth. But with the Gospel lens of truth, we have a glimpse of Heaven and we are given strength to endure.

"Though otherwise 'lively,' hope stands quietly with us at funerals. Our tears are just as wet, but not because of despair. Rather, they are tears of appreciation evoked by poignant separation. They will change, erelong, to tears of glorious anticipation. Yet the emptiness is so real and so restless it initiates a retroactive inventory of what is now so painfully missing, doing so, however, while forecasting fulness and resplendent reunion!" - Neal A. Maxwell

"When such a friend from us departs,
We hold forever in our hearts
A sweet and hallowed memory,
Bringing us nearer, Lord, to thee." - Hymn #293

We could try to numb ourselves and pretend there is no ache, no pain when we are separated from those we love but such an attempt would only prove to dull the Divine attributes inherent within us and thwart our progress.

"Moreover, we can’t fully appreciate joyful reunions later without tearful separations now. The only way to take sorrow out of death (or separation) is to take love out of life." - Elder Russell M. Nelson

We find hope in Christ, knowing that He has bridged the gulf of the great divide and through His great atoning sacrifice, there is no such thing as the end, there is no such thing as separation, no more farewells and no more goodbyes.  We find our our way "home" in eternal principles.

"There is no end to matter; There is no end to space; There is no end to spirit; There is no end to race. There is no end to virtue; There is no end to might; There is no end to wisdom; There is no end to light. There is no end to union; There is no end to youth; There is no end to priesthood; There is no end to truth. There is no end to glory; There is no end to love; There is no end to being; There is no death above. There is no end to glory; There is no end to love; There is no end to being; There is no death above."

-Alicia

Standing By My Man!

"Stand by your man, give him two arms to cling to

And something warm to come to

When nights are cold and lonely.

Stand by your man, and show the world you love him

Keep giving all the love you can.

Stand by your man."

This song by Tammy Wynette was one I listened to quite often during the short period my husband and I dated.  Back in the day, it was among my movie soundtrack collection.  It fits perfectly for this date since today we celebrate our Sweet 16th Wedding Anniversary!

I was 21 and we married on Joseph's 24th birthday.  

So...  Happy 40th to my lovey too!

Pioneer Day @ Theater in the Pines (Just 5 wks since our first date - blind date)
This is when we first decided we wanted to "seal the deal."

(Last Year - Sundance, Provo Canyon -Celebrating our 15th- My favorite anniversary tradition.)

1999 -Honeymoon in Love, Virginia- (Yes, it's a real place.)
Horseback riding - our anniversary tradition.

Not quite "American Gothic" but close... very close.

Oct. 1999

Naturally for our first Halloween I thought it was appropriate
to have Joseph dress up as a honey bee and I his sweet, sweet nectar.  ;)

Our first St. Patrick's Day

Made these artsy-fartsy banners for my hubby.

July 2000 - My first time at Freedom Festival and every year since.
Who knew the heart of Provo would eventually become home?

The Soul of Man Has Been Given Wings

When my oldest son was around one year old, I decided to read the book, Jonathan Livingston Seagull. It's a short read but teaches an eternal lesson about our individual worth and the power of desire and faith.  Every time I think of the soul of man flying, I remember this book and the parable of the seagull who learned to rise above his fears, his circumstances, his limitations, his sorrow, and explore a world of new and endless possiblities.

"Don't believe what your eyes are telling you. All they show is limitation. Look with your understanding, find out what you already know, and you'll see the way to fly."

(Richard Bach - Jonathan Livingston Seagull)

This "way to fly" facinates me.  It is built into our spiritual DNA, it's what we're born to do.  We are not creatures of this world... We're only "strangers passing through." (1 Chronicles 29:15)  Our real home is heaven. (Hebrews 13:14)  We must lift our eyes to who we really are and who we really will be. (Jacob 4:13).

No matter how dark this world ever  becomes or the struggles we might be called to face in the future, I pray we will never lose hope.  God is aware of us, He hears our prayers and every ache we can't express.  He pours out His Grace & His words like rain in a dessert land, and will safely guide us through.  All will be well.  No matter what happens or how our lives unfold, whether it is what we expect or not, there is a bright and gloriously happy future ahead. We can trust this!

To all of those I love,

"...Can you hear me? 

Wherever you are look up... 

The clouds are lifting.  

The sun is breaking through.

We are coming out of the darkness and into the light.  

We are coming into a new world, a kindly world, 

Where men will rise above their hate, their greed, and brutality.

Look up... 

The soul of man has been given wings 

and at last he is begining to fly!  

He is flying into the rainbow, into the Light of hope, 

Into the future, the glorious future 

That belongs to you, to me, and to all of us!  

Look up... look up!"

- (Charlie Chaplin, The Great Dictator)

Keep your eyes open and fixed on God above, on the Light of hope. If we are constantly  striving to love as He loves, to learn of Him, to learn meekness... then our heavenly home will be as close as we believe it to be.

Always remember,
"To fly as fast as thought, to anywhere that is, you must begin by knowing that you have already arrived."

- (Richard Bach, Jonathan Livingston Seagull)

-Alicia

The View From Here :)

I love the little apartment where I live!  I've loved it since the first time I set foot in it - It felt like home to me.  It's funny because never in my wildest imagination did I think I would say something like that about a run-down place like this, especially in my late 30's married for nearly 16 yrs and having four children.  I imagined at this time in my life I'd be living in a nice little cozy house with a fenced back-yard, a large front porch just like my grandma used to have, a tire swing hanging from a tree, and a huge garden full of fresh vegetables.  

So what is it that I love about our little place if there is none of this?  It's the location.  

I have my very best friend who lives a block and a half up the street from me, I have the perfect place for skate parties and BBQ's with all my neighbors in the south parking lot, there are events, concerts, and celebrations within walking distance from my doorstep, and so much more. 

Also, from the inside of my apartment I have the perfect view of three things: Timp, the Y, and the Angel Moroni. -  

All of the north widows of my little apartment frame in Mt. Timpanogos perfectly: I will never forget the first time I hiked to the summit of that mountain.  Out our east window I can see the Y:  The first six-and-a-half years of living here in Provo, I'd stare out that window in a dream and wonder when my chance for attending BYU would come.  It came sooner than I thought and I'm living that dream now.  From the view of my kitchen window, I can see the Angel Moroni:  He stands with regal splendor upon the spire of a building that testifies of redemption, renewal, resurrection, and second chances. The view of these three things serve as symbols to me of my past, present, and future.  

Yesterday morning, I hiked the Y with my dear friend, Suzanne.  From the view up there we could see four temples in this gorgeous valley.  Four temples!!  Payson, City Center, Provo, and Timponogos. How richly blessed we are!  Last night in my prayers, I thanked my Father in Heaven for giving me such a wonderful life.  I have a great relationship with my husband, we love each other and enjoy the simplicity of being together.  We have four of the coolest kids who ever walked the face of this earth.  We live in the best ward and have the finest leaders.  We are surrounded by amazing family and friends who we love dearly and they love us, and we have this Gospel, the True Gospel of Jesus Christ.  I couldn't be happier.  God is good, so very very good.  The view from here is sweet.  This is my home!!

-Alicia