Seeking Inspiration

I'm really pleased with how our new approach to family scripture study is going. It seems like everyone is participating more. With this new way, Joseph and I aren't the ones doing all the talking. The kids share what they are learning and we are able to keep record of the comments each of them  make. So far, it seems they are enjoying the overall experience more.

I'm trying to find ways now that will help me with my personal scripture study. I'm pretty good at maintaining daily reading but I don't always do so well retaining what I've read.(If that makes sense.)

I think at this time in my life, I'm really seeking to find verses of scripture that will inspire me to action in my specific realm of influence: in my calling, as a wife, as a mother, as a foster mom, as a student, etc. After prayer, I open the pages and want words to jump out at me - I want my eyes to be open to the things I keep missing, to recognize what the Lord is trying to tell me.

I've discovered that a good mixture of conference talks and scriptures each day work best for me. I'm not a huge book reader but I love listening to talks and books. I feel like I can get a lot more accomplished if I'm moving while I'm listening.  I don't sit still very well.... never have.

-Alicia

Nourishing to be Nourished

I'm studying nutrition at BYU this semester and I just happen to be finishing up Alma 32 in my personal scripture study. I love the last two verses:

"Because of your diligence and your faith and your patience with the word in nourishing it, that it may take root in you, behold, by and by ye shall pluck the fruit thereof, which is most precious, which is sweet above all that is sweet, and which is white above all that is white, yea, and pure above all that is pure; and ye shall feast upon this fruit even until ye are filled, that ye hunger not, neither shall ye thirst.

Then, my brethren, ye shall reap the rewards of your faith, and your diligence, and patience, and long-suffering, waiting for the tree to bring forth fruit unto you." - Alma 32:42-43

In the context of physical nutrition, I've been reading about ancient whole grains and the health benefits that we experience when they are a part of our every-day diet.  It's interesting how physical AND spiritual grains nourish us, like the word of God. Both physical and spiritual grains are best in their purest form and work in a cycle dependent on the time, attention, and priority we give them. 

Staying physically and spiritually nourished requires all our diligence, faith, patience, and hard work. The reward is - sustainability and quality of life.

I hear of members who far too often say that they just don't have time for the scriptures every day. Even prayer seems to be too much of a burden. Yet, these two things - prayer and scripture (ancient and modern) - are absolutely vital to our spiritual health. We must MAKE TIME for them! This is water and soil, sunlight and air! We can't just set them aside and expect the garden of our life to grow properly. First things first: Prayer and study - nourishing the word so it can grow, bear fruit, and nourish us is a DAILY, process to "reap the rewards of [our]faith." 

-Alicia

Building a Palace

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”

― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

"Exuberance" is a good word - Ponderize - Week 55

She turned to Miriam with an overly enthusiastic handshake and a sing-songy voice, "Hi!! My name is Elise!! I'm so happy you're here!! I'm going to be your very best friend!!"
Miriam wasn't interested in best friends or any friends for that matter.  She was upset that she had to go to a new ward in the first place and struggled to understand why we had to attend a completely different building when it really wasn't much further away than the chapel near our old place.
She gave Elise a half-smile and responded flatly, "Thanks."

After church, Miriam complained, "There's only two girls in Young Women's and the one that's my age is way too hyper."  She told me all about the chatty blond bubbly girl who flung herself into her personal space.
"Aren't you glad she was nice to you though?" I asked.
"Well... yeah, I guess so." She muttered quitely.
I continued, "Imagine walking into Young Women's and this girl was the type who was snarky and snobbish. Don't you think that would have been much more difficult to deal with?"
Miriam thought for a moment, "You're right.  I'm glad she was friendly.  I just think she needs to tone it down a bit."
I laughed understandingly, "Well, I bet she's super excited because she finally gets to have another girl her age in class.  I wonder how long it has been that they've only had two Young Women? Wouldn't you be happy?"

Yesterday was our second Sunday.  We sat in the row right behind Miriam's "new best friend"--she was holding her toddler sister, bouncing and playing with her in her lap. As soon as she saw Miriam out of the corner of her eye, she flipped around and extended her hand, "Hi again, it's so great to see you!" She said something about it being a beautiful day and then went back to playing with her sister.
Miriam leaned over to me and whispered, "That's her."
I guessed as much and whispered back, "I like her!"
She smiled warmly and I could tell that she was beginning to like her too.

After church, we gathered everyone in the van, "Where's Miriam?" I asked. Joseph pointed across the parking lot to Miriam and Elise, "They're walking home together. I guess all the youth from this ward walk home together. At least that's what one of the other parents was telling me."
"Really?" I thought, "That's so cool!"
Chandler watched as we began to drive by the group of youth, "let me out," he said.  He opened the side door of the van and ran to all the kids.  They didn't flinch and just let him mix right in.  It was so awesome to see! What a blessing!

I've been reading the Isaiah chapters in the Book of Mormon for my personal scripture study and as I read one of the verses, I couldn't help but think of Miriam's happy friend and how grateful I was that she wasn't stuck-up or arrogant in any way.  I really think that would have made our move much too difficult for her.

"And it shall come to pass that the lofty looks of man shall be humbled, and the haughtiness of men shall be bowed down, and the Lord alone shall be exalted in that day... The high ones of stature shall be hewn down; and the haughty shall be humbled... But with righteousness shall he judge the poor, and reprove with equity for the meek of the earth..." Isaiah 2:11, 10:33, 11:4

The verse I'm pondering for the week is The Message version of Galatians 5:22-23
 "But what happens when we live God’s way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely."

-Alicia

Be Thou Humble - By, Elder Steven E. Snow

"Why is it that ye are so fearful?"

It has been almost a week now since our van has been in the repair shop.  Finally, they think they have diagnosed the problem; another circuit module issue that transmits the wrong messages and causes engine failure. It will cost us over $1,600 to replace this module just to see if they have truly pegged the culprit.  The Chevy dealer informed me their factory records indicate our van was brought into his shop on two other occasions; First, when Via Motors realized they had a failed "science experiment" on their hands and took it in at 3,000 miles due to a messed up computer system... And second, when Dastrup Auto brought it in at 6,000 miles due to a different short-circuit module.

...And here we are bringing it back at 9,000.

...Now when we do the math, it seems if we continue with this vehicle, we will have nothing but nightmares every 3,000 miles. We just can't get over why NONE of this was on the CarFax, not a trace!

My husband has begun to ask some of the same questions I was asking last Saturday: "Why didn't the Spirit warn us?  Why did we feel fine about everything when we made the purchase?"

Last night, Joseph couldn't contain his frustration as he shouted, "I'm not so sure I even understand what the purpose of praying about anything does anymore, especially when we can't even recognize the answers! Why do we keep being led into situations like this?! Maybe we haven't been led at all?"

I understood his feelings but there was nothing I could say to console him.  He continued,

"Alicia, what if we move into this house and find out that we are in way over our heads?! What if we have emergency repairs crop up like these cars but only a hundred times worse?! What do we do then? We can't do anything because we're bound into these contracts!  Do you realize we're stuck!! Absolutely stuck!! And don't tell me to 'keep the faith', I'm tired of hearing that it will all work out because it's not! Nothing is working out!  This is a huge mess and faith hasn't gotten us anywhere!!"

I didn't know what to say to him.  I was completely at a loss of words. I get what he's saying, I totally get where he's coming from. I don't know what to do either. We are expected to close on our house in two weeks. What are we doing?!! This is crazy!!

Somehow, I still really feel like we're going to be okay (aside from the ulcers I think I'm developing.  I can't pretend that these past few months haven't been horribly uncomfortable and terribly strenuous).

I've been reading in the first chapter of Nephi again and I suppose with Lehi's journey, they could've had some similar doubts about the directions they were given:

• If the brass plates were so important and if Lehi was so inspired, why didn't the Lord command Lehi's family to get them before they left Jerusalem? Why did they have to travel all the way out of the city for miles and then backtrack? Isn't that wasted time and energy?

• If Nephi was such a spiritual guy, why did he have the idea to give all their family's gold and silver to negotiate the trade with Laban only to have that attempt completely backfire and lose all their money? Doesn't it seems like a completely pointless loss?

I don't know the answers to these questions anymore than I know the answers to our current situation. I just know that the Lord won't let us fail.  And in the words of Nephi, "I know that He shall prepare a way for [us] to accomplish the things He has commanded us", the things that matter most.

And what matters most at this point?

It matters that we keep praying, keep moving, keep believing, keep focusing on and recognizing the blessings and the good that is happening through all of this.  I honestly don't think the Lord is so extremely concerned with what, in life, happens to us - Instead, I believe God is far more interested in how we choose to happen to life.  It's so important that no matter the circumstances, no matter the difficulties, we choose to remain faithful to God, "at all times, in all things, and in all places, even unto death." (Mosiah 18:9)

I read a talk by Elder L. Whitney Clayton from 2001, that corresponded with my scripture study this morning and I greatly appreciated this testimony:

All of us have come face-to-face with difficult, even desperate hours, when with tears we have fallen on our knees and pled as did this father, ‘Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.’

Just as the Savior stood ready to help this father whose son was “sore vexed,” (Matt. 17:15) so is He ready to help our unbelief today so that with faith we can survive our mortal struggles and “come off conqueror.” (D&C 10:5)

Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is the first principle of the gospel and is more than mere belief.  Faith is a “hope for things which are not seen, which are true.” “Faith always moves its possessor to … physical and mental action.”  “To have faith in Jesus Christ means to have such trust in him that we obey whatever he commands. There is no faith where there is no obedience.”

[See  A of F 1:4 Bible Dictionary, “Faith,” 669–70.] ( Alma 32:21 see also  Heb. 11:1  Ether 12:6) [Bible Dictionary, 670.] [Gospel Principles (1997), 118.]

Amidst all these storms and turmoil, we have had miraculous blessings and this past week we’ve started a family ritual to go around taking turns mentioning something about the day that was a tender mercy. These are some that have been mentioned:

1. Vick's generosity and help at the Laundromat last Saturday
2. The guy who did our home inspection decided for no apparent reason to charge us $100 LESS than he usually charges.
3. My friend, Jenn Peterson, helped drive my kids around all day Tues.
4. My friend, Suzanne, let me borrow her car yesterday afternoon so I could get some groceries and get my kids to their music lessons and orthodontist appointments.
5. Right when I was returning Suzanne’s car, my friend, Doyle, called to tell me that he and his wife were leaving on a two-week trip and said we could use their Mitsubishi while they were away.

None of these tender mercies were things we asked for but were freely offered. THIS is what faith is doing for us!!  THIS is what prayers are doing for us!  This is WHY I believe things are going to be alright. The Lord has said so clear, “Alicia, if I want bread, I can get bread. If I want fish, I can get fish.” I believe Him. As hard as all of this is and as hard as it may be, I know we are going to be okay

... and for the times when I'm not so strong and fear pulls me down beneath the tumultuous waves, I pray, 'Lord, help thou my unbelief!'

-Alicia

"Why is it that ye are so fearful?"

My husband sent me this really great message while he was at work this afternoon. It made me cry. (good tears of course, very good tears)

Hey,

I had a g+ notification this morning from a post by Pres. Uchtdorf.  I think I felt the power of what he was saying and I am choosing to believe this words and trust in them.  I just wanted to share it as we move forward.  I still don't know where the end of this road is, but I believe choosing faith in this situation will get us much further than choosing fear and doubt.  Here is what he said:

"The Lord knows you. He knows your heart and is pleased with your sacrifice. He smiles upon you each day. He will uphold you and prepare the way for you. He will send His angels before you. You will feel their presence. And with the help of heaven, your talents will be multiplied.

I promise you that as you lift those around you, the Lord God, the Creator of the universe, will lift you up. If you will only believe and incline your heart to our Beloved Father, He will place within you a peace that surpasses understanding. He will give you joy. May each of you always remember this."

"Nearer my God to Thee, nearer to Thee!  E'en though it be a cross that raiseth me."  

If we draw nearer to God in this, no cost will be too much.  We get to choose faith and it is a privilege that we can choose faith in a situation like this.  My hope and prayer in all of this is that this cross will raise us up to Him.  

Be patient with me as I work through my pride as it manifests itself in anger, frustration and doubts and fears.

I love you... but I love the Lord more ;)  But I know my love of the Lord will only increase my love for you.  I hope to be able to grow in that more.  I know it doesn't always show up that way.


Just some thoughts.
Joseph

Dear Alexa - August 27th, 2016

Dear Alexa,

Names are always interesting to me.  I love to look up names and search for their origin or meaning.  To me, it can be a source of direction in life.

Alexa is a female form of Alexander, and is sometimes also a short form of Alexandra, both of which come from the Greek, Alexandros. It can be broken down into alexo meaning "to defend" and ander, meaning "man"' making both Alexa and Alexander mean defender of man.

Today as you enter the waters of Baptism you are entering a covenant to take upon yourself a new name.  That new name is Jesus Christ.

For "There is no other name given whereby salvation cometh; therefore, I would that ye should take upon you the name of Christ, all you that have entered into the covenant with God that ye should be obedient unto the end of your lives." (Mosiah 5:8)

And what does Christ's name mean?  

To me it means; Savior, Friend, Redeemer, Helper, Counselor, Light, Truth, Love, Kindness, Compassion, Virtue, Purity, Integrity, Honor, Holiness, Complete and Utter Selflessness, Hope, Grace, Joy, Healer, Forgiveness, The Way Through, The Way Back, The Way Home

Alexa, all your life, since you were very little, you have desired with your whole heart for pure and honest truth, to surround yourself with purity, goodness, and virtue.  Do you remember a couple years ago the summer before school started we had that discussion about the friends we choose and how you ached so much and longed to find friends who you could share these deep desires with, friends you could have spiritual discussions with, and talk about the fuller and richer meaning of life?  Do you remember how you prayed with all your heart for this?  Do you remember the Priesthood Blessing Joseph gave you before that school year?  And do you remember how things unfolded and the new people that miraculously came into your life?  These were the friends and the people you and I and grandma and grandpa had been praying for.  The way your life aligned with these new friends was not a coincidence.  Through this experience, you witnessed a very real and personal Father in Heaven who answered your deep and heart-felt prayer.

President Spencer W. Kimball taught: “God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs. Therefore, it is vital that we serve each other.”

And just as much as these friends were an answer to your prayers.  I am confident that you were an answer to theirs.  

Do you remember when you were nervous to take seminary because you were afraid you didn't have enough gospel knowledge or that because you weren't a member, you were afraid you might embarrass yourself or stand out too much? 

 Do you remember what I said?  

I said, "Alexa, you have no idea how much those other students in Seminary will need you.  You WILL stand out, of that I'm sure!  You will stand out because you will be the girl who goes to Seminary without having to be told to, you'll go because you WANT to, because you CHOOSE to... even when you face strong opposition and opinions from others that tell you going to church and seminary is nonsense, that it's foolish, and that you could occupy yourself with better things. Your friends in Seminary will need you not because you are a gospel scholar or have all the answers but because you will be an example to them of immense courage and powerful faith.  You will be a bright light and a beautiful example to them."

Alexa, you have been living with the name of Christ on your heart all of your life, even when you didn't realize it.  But now this sacred ordinance is eternally binding and you are proving to God through covenant and Priesthood authority, which will make His name much powerful in your life.  

Before I close my talk, I want to share one more thought about your name.  Your middle name, "Lee" means something very significant, it means "Shelter"  Why would this be important? Well if "Alexo" or "Alexa" means "Defender" then "Alexa Lee" means  "Defender of the Shelter" I'll explain why that's significant:

The Prophet, Isaiah, speaks of a shelter in reference to the House of the Lord, to the Temple, "And there shall be a tabernacle for a shadow in the daytime from the heat, and for a place of refuge, and for a covert (or shelter) from storm and from rain." - Isaiah 4:6

Baptism is the gate that leads you to that beautiful home away from Home (spelled with a capital H).  There are many in the world who mock the work that goes on in the temple, many who do not understand the sacredness and beauty of how and why we do what we do there. I suppose  someone who has never witnessed a graduation ceremony with processions, robes,caps, and gowns, (you know... ceremonial things we don't see every day) they might find it somewhat strange... 

but we are so used to graduation ceremonies in our culture that we don't even bat an eyelash at them.  The robe, cap, and gown are all symbols of victory and honor.  It's a beautiful thing.  

To be honest, I didn't understand the temple when I first went through but I have gone hundreds of times since and I can stand here and say with all my heart that I love temple. the ordinances, the ceremonies performed, the covenants, the promises pronounced on my head, I love it all!! The temple is my refuge, my safe place, my "shelter" from the storm.

So when you see or hear your name "Alexa Lee"  I want you to think of it as "Defender of the Shelter" or "Defender of the Temple."  You will have plenty of voices and forces that would oppose you and the Temple, many who don't understand that would keep you from this most beautiful place.  But do not let them.  It will never be popular. But it's not about popularity, it's about PURPOSE.   Be strong Alexa Lee, and always defend it.  Defend it by the way you live, by the words you speak, by the example you set, and the choices you make. Renew your covenants you make today each Sunday with the Sacrament.  

Someday, when you build your family, you will strive to make a sacred place within the walls of your own home, your place of shelter.  You will be key in setting the tone of the Spirituality level for your children.  A loving family unit centered on gospel principles is a very real shelter in any community, any place that it is established in the world. Let Alexa Lee also mean "Defender of the Family".

Be the light you have always been but now go forward shining even brighter, more boldly and more confidently, because heaven and earth know and it is recorded in the eternities that you are committed through covenant and endowed with Priesthood power.

Make diligent scripture study, sincere heart-felt prayer, and journal writing  part of your every day life and you will never have to walk in darkness.

I love you Alexa.  I love this gospel.  What you are doing is right.  I know it is true forever and always!

Bless you for your courage, for your faith, we are all cheering you on here today and so are thousands upon thousands of unseen angels.

"Press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life."- 2 Nephi 31:20

Love,

Alicia

"I Am In Your Midst" - Ponderize - Week 48

Like the rushing of a furious wind, rapid changes have been happening all around these past couple of months and I feel as if I'm being swept in a current beyond my control.  When I try to stop, it seems the wrenching force increases and I surrender again, facing the fact that I am bound to a destination I cannot see.

Fall Semester starts for me today.  I contemplated dropping my class because of all the dramatic changes we are going through at this time but I couldn't do it.  I feel very strongly that I need to take at least one class every fall and winter and that by the grace of God I'll make it through no matter the difficulty of my schedule or circumstances.

Here I am again at the crossroads... A distinct and noticeable ache presses on my heart.  All of my belongings are packed and I'm heading out into an unknown future.  In just a few short weeks I'll be living in a new home and a new ward.  Leaving the watchcare of our current bishop is undeniably difficult.  I'm forever grateful for his faith, his prayers, his testimony, his priesthood blessings, his leadership, and for the activities and events he has inspired in this area.  What a vision has taken place!  Our experiences here have been absolutely magical.  They've created a sublime level of unity I've never realized possible in a ward family.  Words cannot adequately express my gratitude for our bishop. One can't leave a place like this without a void being made, a recognizable hole.  The scar tissue will serve as a reminder of how much I miss what was once there.

Something is happening within this  newly-formed Freedom Stake, something miraculous.  There are many who feel it.  We are witnessing Zion being built, a very real and literal Zion.  It may be hard to believe but if one could experience a fraction of what I've tried to describe, they would know without a doubt for themselves that the hand of God is on this people.  As this heavenly gathering takes place, there will also be great dissensions.  I pray our roots will be strong and deep in fertile soil.

These changes taking place are Divinely appointed, of that I'm sure.  We cannot see the future, we are not meant to see it... for our faith must be strengthened, our faith must be fortified, and our faith must be exercised if we are to have it become unshaken. Time will move swiftly and it is essential that our priorities stay in order: Faith and family first.

I am confident that once we move into our new home, we will receive the permanent placements of foster children.  Excitement and fear both prod my mind as I contemplate this prospect.
Excitement: To care for these children who desperately need a family, these refugees who need someone to love them unconditionally and to know that they belong somewhere.
And Fear: For all the dynamics involved in becoming the mother of someone else's children seemingly overnight, to be committed to loving them and caring for them as if they are my own. While at the same time, I must remain ever mindful of my own children and monitor carefully the anxieties and stresses they will inevitably be under living with new siblings complete with habits and mannerisms absolutely foreign to them.

I searched through my scriptures this morning, seeking to find one that I could ponder for the week -from the Psalms of David, to the Acts of the Apostles, to verses in the Book of Mormon, and so on.
I finally settled with this one in Doctrine and Covenants:

"Behold, verily, verily, I say unto you that mine eyes are upon you. I am in your midst and ye cannot see me;  But the day soon cometh that ye shall see me, and know that I am; for the veil of darkness shall soon be rent, and he that is not purified shall not abide the day. Wherefore, gird up your loins and be prepared. Behold, the kingdom is yours, and the enemy shall not overcome." 

- D&C 38:7-9

I don't know what the future holds, but I know Who holds the future.  He is in our midst and I trust this.

-Alicia

Dear Kaylee

My youngest child was baptized today.  Of all the hymns she could have picked for the closing song of the services, she chose to sing "Angels We Have Heard On High".  Even though it's the beginning of August and this is a Christmas piece, I thought her selection was perfect!  After all, I have no doubt that angels were rejoicing with songs of gloria at her decision to enter into a covenant with Christ.  Her choice today will affect generations to come in so many wonderful ways!

With each of my kid's baptisms, I've had a tradition of writing what I call "A Mother's Blessing" in the cover of the new set of scriptures they receive.  These are my words to Kaylee on this special day.

....

"Dear Kaylee,
I'm so proud of your decision to be baptized.  Your first name means "pure" and your middle name, Elizabeth, means "My God is an oath."  Today, through our Savior, and every day of your life, always remember that it is Him who makes you pure, it is Christ that makes you whole.

Kaylee, an oath is a promise, a vow... and when you make the promise to testify of Christ, to keep His commandments, and to always remember Him, then He makes a promise that you will always have His spirit to be with you... and this is the covenant you enter at baptism.  This is powerful!

Kaylee, I pray you will always seek the words of Christ in your life because they will always lead you right.  His words are to be found in these scriptures!  In the scriptures, you will also discover that they testify of the great importance and vital need for prophets and apostles.  Always remember that whether it is by [Christ's] own voice or by the voice of [His] servants, it is the same." (D&C 1:38)  Always remember Him by treasuring His word and let it sink deep within the soil of your heart with constant nourishment.

Kaylee, another thing you will notice in the scriptures is a pattern of behavior that destroyed many people even entire civilizations.  This pattern was pride, arrogance, vanity and selfishness.  It is a temptation we all struggle with to some extent in our lives.  We lose sight of what matters most and begin to think that happiness will come when we are popular, when we are beautiful, when we are recognized or praised by others.  Avoid the temptation to be self-centered.  It will only bring grave disappointment and breed envy and hate.

Seek to live as the Savior did with an outside focus to constantly seek for opportunities to lose yourself, to openly praise the good in others, to recognize true beauty found in pure and honest hearts.

Never forget your Divine worth.  You don't need the lime-light, you need the Savior's light!  The world is His stage and you are already the center of it.  There is no other approval that even remotely compares to that which comes from the God of the Universe, " Well done, my good and faithful servant!" (Matt 25:21)

I love you, my sweet compassionate Kaylee!

Love, Mom"

In the Lord's Timing

We've been seriously looking at at a home to buy.  And we had one that we made an offer on but not an official offer.  We just texted the seller the other night and asked if he would consider our price and he agreed.  He sent us the paperwork for the official offer tonight with a promise that we would love the home and that he's excited to have us move there.

But we couldn't sign it.

This morning and all day we have felt frustration and confusion about buying this home even though it seems to fit just fine for what we need.  We could even move into it in a couple of weeks if we wanted.  Everything is ready... but something isn't settling with us.  We keep feeling like we need to wait. It's been hard because we don't want to look back with regret and realize we passed up a great home.  It has also been hard to discern between "a stupor of thought" or just our own desires to stall and hang on to what we have here.

Last week, when we were considering a different home and things fell through, Joseph picked up the Ensign wondering what direction it might have for us.  He came across an article entitled, "According to the Will and Timing of the Lord"  by, Elder Bednar.  It was so applicable for our situation!  This principle has returned to both our minds several times over this process,  "It's not ready yet.  Not yet."  The question is: Do we have the courage to trust this?  Do we trust that there is something better out there?

We can look more.  We can take our time.  The Lord softened our Landlady's heart to allow us month-to-month.  Maybe it's meant for us to take advantage of that?

We knelt and prayed tonight and presented our decision to the Lord to pass on this home and to wait a little longer.  As we did so, we both felt the tension leave us and peace return.  Joseph emailed the seller to inform him that we won't be signing the offer.  This wasn't easy to make but we feel good with it.

Tomorrow we are going to the Temple together to seek more guidance and inspiration.  We pray with all our hearts that we might be in tune enough to recognize where exactly we need to be.

"Strong faith in the Savior is submissively accepting of His will and timing in our lives—

even if the outcome is not what we hoped for or wanted." 

- Elder David A. Bednar

-Alicia

"Which God for us prepared..." Ponderize - Week 43

We sang "Come Come, Ye Saints" yesterday for our closing hymn in Sacrament meeting.  I couldn't hold back the tears as I sung the words, especially this part.  It felt so personal to our family situation.

We'll find the place which God for us prepared,

Far away in the West,

Where none shall come to hurt or make afraid;

There [your children] will be blessed.

This verse really struck Joseph too and we talked about it later.  We have both felt that the Lord is preparing a very specific place for our family, a place where our children and our foster children can thrive and feel free to be who they are.... And a place that will open our options to what children we are able to take in.  Currently in this apartment, we could only take in one boy and or one girl.  But if we found a home with four large enough rooms, it would open the options for us to take in two boys, or maybe two girls, or one of each.  It even opens the option of a possible third foster kid. We're expanding our search to Springville and Orem.

Could the place which He has prepared for us also be "far away in the west"? Today, I found a lovely little four bedroom home on the far west side of Provo that seems to have everything we are looking for.  It's not in the "beautiful place" I love so much... Oh, how I wish it was.  But just the same, the early saints had to leave their Nauvoo which means "Beautiful Place." 

Wherever we end up, I know it will be exactly where we need to be. Yet, I will never forget all I have come to love so much here. This place will always feel like home to me.  It's forever in my mind and memory, never to be forgotten - It is far too important.

I will come back to my little skating place too on occasion, maybe some late evening when I need a moment to myself to unwind.  And just like I've done since I was a kid, I'll have my wheels, my skates, my board, and my headphones; everything I need to bring back my mojo.

We really don't know where we are going yet but we know Who is taking us there.  I've got a feeling that the biggest part of the adventure is yet to be!

"And if I [the Lord] go and prepare a place for you,

 I will come again, and receive you unto myself; 

that where I am, there ye may be also.

And whither I go ye know, and the way ye know."

- John 14:3

  -Alicia

Far Away and Anywhere

In Our Wilderness

23 more days until our last one living here and we have to be out.  We still don't know where we're moving to.  We looked at a home that is very close in our neighborhood and were excited for all the possibilities.  It had 5 bedrooms + a two bedroom mother-in-law apartment we could rent out to help with our mortgage payments.

Joseph and I went to the temple early morning yesterday before we made an offer and both felt very strongly that we needed to contact a couple of people.  We called our two friends and they both spent over a couple hours with us at the house.  My friend, Shelley, is going to be our agent and she made a lot of phone calls to the city while we were touring the place for the second and third time.  She discovered that the mother-in-law apartment the people had there is totally illegal and that the whole thing has been in open investigation for some time... Instead of it being an asset it would have been a huge liability.  Our friend, Ben, who is very experienced with home building, was able to show us other warning signs our untrained eyes couldn't see before.  It really was a blessing and we know the Lord was looking out for us by giving us inspiration to call these two.

It looks like we might have to live out of a storage unit for a while.  My friend, Shelley, graciously offered her RV and we may just take her up on that.  Who knows... turn this into a little "vacation".  It will be an adventure for sure!!

 I'm so thankful for the comforting words of the scriptures as we journey into "our wilderness". My husband's best friend keeps telling our family that he really feels God will "part the Red Sea" for us. Even though, we don't know where "our promised land" will be. The Israelites wandered for 40 years. I can be grateful in knowing it won't take us that long to "find the place which God for us prepared". Like Moses and Lehi in the wilderness; I truly believe in miracles and marvelous manifestations of God. I know without a shadow of doubt that His hand is in the very details of our lives and as we seek Him, He will lead us right. I know it!

"Never be weary of good works... be meek and lowly in heart; for such shall find rest to their souls... Learn wisdom... Keep the Commandments... Cry unto God for all thy support; yea, let all thy doings be unto the Lord, and withersoever thou goest let it be in the Lord... Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and He will direct thee for good... Let thy heart be full of thanks unto God. And behold, [the Liahona] was prepared to show unto our fathers the course which they should travel in the wilderness. And it did work for them according to their faith in God; therefore, if they had faith to believe that God could cause that those spindles should point the way they should go behold, it was done; therefore they had this miracle, and many other miracles wrought by the power of God, day by day." - Alma 37:34-40

"We were moving mountains long before we knew we could... 

There can be miracles when you believe."

-Alicia

Not letting go!

I can't sleep. Normally, sleep is never an issue for me.  I must be having such a hard time with this move.  I so desperately do not want to leave this place that I love so very, very much!

We've decided that we don't want to rent anymore, we just want our own home.  If we do rent again, it could only be for a very short time, a month-to-month, because we are anxious to have a permanent place for our foster children.  Any kind of move would mean they would be absorbed back into the hands of others in the foster community until we had a home that has been officially evaluated and meets State regulations for being foster ready. (A process which can take several weeks maybe months.) We've decided that foster care will have to be on hold until we find a permanent place to avoid any additional disruption in these children's lives.  But foster kids or not, it's just a massive hassle to move from here to a temporary location, only to move again.

My husband and I have lived five other places since we were first married... it's been so nice to stay here as long as we have.  If it weren't for the struggles we've had with our landlady, we could live here forever.

Saturday evening we spent a lot of time searching online for homes, condos, or town-homes (anything a little larger than what we have here).  We won't give up the search but it seems that nothing large enough for our family is under $200K in our ward. We had a special fast as a family yesterday, even our friends, the Wilsons, fasted together for us. My friend, Carol, called me and advised me to stay close to the Spirit and to not narrow my options to just this ward or Stake but to seek first where the Lord would have us be.  She is a wise woman and I'm so glad for the day I miraculously met her.  We will have no problems staying in close touch.

Yesterday in church, we had so many friends offer to help us and I kept feeling this mixture of gratitude, joy, pain, sorrow, and loss.  One moment I'd be smiling and the next I'd have tears streaming down my face.

I want to do all I can to stay connected to this place I call home.  The visits may be fewer and farther between but I could never leave this beautiful place completely: No, not after what I've experienced and not after the dreams I've had.   To disconnect completely would be too much for my soul to bear.  This will be tough no matter what but I can see myself dancing my way through it. ;) I pray there will be lots of dances.  This place I call home has changed my life, my whole world, everything!!  It cannot be forgotten.  It has "awakened me out of a deep sleep".  It helped me remember my mission, my dreams, and all I want to become.  I am forever grateful!

I will continue on with BYU: I will not let go and I'll continue to reach for my dream that I've had for so many years of being an inspiring writer and speaker.  Down the road, I can envision myself taking my words and using them as a tool to be a powerful advocate, a voice for the importance of the family, especially for children, for foster children, and defender of the sanctity of life.  I am confident that my experiences in the future with both formal education and fostering will help to make my voice heard loud and clear in the courthouses, in the schools, and in the communities.  There are many good things to come.
Just watch and see....
I'm gonna Carpe this Diem!!!

-Alicia :)

.

Ground Control to Major Tom

 "I wanted to tell you, that song 'Major Tom'... 

That song is about courage and going into the unknown. It's a cool song." 

- Cheryl Melhoff

I love the movie Walter Mitty with Ben Stiller.  There's something so familiar to me about how Cheryl's influence transforms Walter.  She awakens him to everything his soul has ever wanted to be.  Because of her confidence in him, his heart burns with a new-found courage to step out into the unknown, run after his dreams and jump with both feet into a world of endless possibilities.

There are so many changes ahead, we really don't know what to expect but we're determined to be ready for whatever comes our way!

We just purchased this new van...  and guess what I've named him??
It's going to take a couple of months for the specialized license plate to be made but I'm super excited.

It's a twelve-seater.  It will be perfect for when we get our two foster children with plenty of room to spare.  It was $20,000 with only 7,000 miles! We took it to two different mechanics before we purchased and they both said the engine was brand-spankin' new!  We feel very fortunate to have found it.  We were very prayerful and spent a lot of time searching and waiting for the right vehicle.  One of the selling points for us was to buy something that would not only bless our family in need but would aslo be a tool for serving and helping others.  I know it will be.

I really like the name, "Major Tom".  It makes me think of the movie, Mitty, and the power of Cheryl's influence.  Plus, it kinda looks like a space shuttle (if you squint).

"Commencing countdown, 

Engines on

Check ignition 

And may God's love be with you"

-Alicia

Reaching for the Stars!

The Impossible Dream

I know two songs from the movie though I don't recall ever watching it.  I've never read the book either... even though it has sat on my shelf for years.  When I was a little girl, I remember my mother singing The Impossible Dream and Man of Lamancha.  She'd dance through the kitchen like a cheerful songbird and often get the lyrics messed up... but she sang her heart out anyway.

After reading the book that came in the mail last week, I took interest in the way the author mentions Don Quixote in her last chapter.  It reads as follows:

After [Don Quixote] tells [Aldonza] of his quest - to follow the impossible dream - she pleads, "Once, just once - would you look at me as I really am?"
He gazes into her eyes and answers, "I see beauty.  Purity.  I see the woman each man holds secret within him. Duclinea."

...In his quest to "add some measure of grace to the world" he became alive to new visions, to the vision of one who values all life - Jesus Christ.

Though she fights his vision as being unrealistic, her heart longs for it to be true, and in time the presence of his love, gentleness, and glory transform her life and her very nature.  

His triumph in the quest to "add some measure of grace" comes as he lies upon his deathbed and Aldonza comes to see him.  
She cries for him to regain the quest, "Please!  Try to remember!"
"Is it so important?" he asks.
"Everything.  My whole life.  You spoke to me and everything was different!" she pleads.
As he fades and dies, she is resurrected into a new being and walks away with his quest instilled upon her heart, and thereafter calls herself, Dulcinea [which means -sweet above all that is sweet]."

The part she describes here sounded so familiar to me.
"I know this story" I thought to myself.  " I know it well."
 It's a story of transformation, a story of redemption, a story of what happens to a soul when someone sees them differently, when they are seen by the light of truth, and it awakes them to who they are meant to become no matter how impossible it might seem.

There's no doubt in my mind that God knows and loves us beyond our mortal comprehension.  He answers our prayers.  He has great plans, tailor-made opportunities, and custom-fit challenges to help us grow into who we're meant to be.
...And sometimes He sends angels to help us along our journey.   I will thank God for my angels every single day of my life.  How could I ever forget the measure of grace they added to my world?!  Their quest is my quest now. It is written and instilled deep upon my heart forever.

From Don Quixote

To dream the impossible dream

To fight the unbeatable foe

To bear with unbearable sorrow

And to run where

the brave dare not go

To right the unrightable wrong

And to love pure and chaste from afar

To try when your arms are too weary

To reach the unreachable star

This is my quest

To follow that star

No matter how hopeless

No matter how far

To fight for the right

Without question or pause

To be willing to march,

march into hell

For that heavenly cause

And I know

If I'll only be true

To this glorious quest

That my heart

Will lie peaceful and calm

When I'm laid to my rest

And the world will be

better for this

That one man, scorned

and covered with scars,

Still strove with his last

ounce of courage

To reach the unreachable,

the unreachable,

The unreachable star

And I'll always dream

The impossible dream

Yes, and I'll reach

The unreachable star

"It is not that something different is seen, but that one sees differently.

It is as though the spatial act of seeing were changed by a new dimension."

- Carl Jung

More Than Words - Ponderize - Week 38

Man, time just doesn't stop for anyone, does it!  This week will be over before I know it.  I guess half a week to ponderize is better than none.  Honestly, I've been thinking quite a bit which scripture would be best but can't seem to decide on one.

I've been focusing on the part of Christ's Sermon on the Mount where He says, "Blessed are the peacemakers."  This is something I want for my home.  I want my kids to learn to communicate well with each other, to avoid whiny remarks or personal jabs that fuel contention.

  It's been said that the mother is the one who often sets the tone so I'm trying to be more conscious, more careful of the words I choose and any tension in my voice.  I can see an improved difference when I take the time to really think about my responses especially when trying to break up a fight between the kids.  I've been praying specifically that the Spirit will help me slow down and think more before I react.  Practice. Practice. Practice.

I've also had this goal to memorize the Sacrament prayers and they've caused me to think about what I am doing to "always have His Spirit to be with me."

 I know that if I want to be a peacemaker, having the Spirit truly is key.  I love the verse I read this morning and maybe this can be the one I ponderize for the rest of the week...

"Do ye not remember that I said unto you that after ye had received the Holy Ghost ye could speak with the tongue of angels?  And now, how could ye speak with the tongue of angels save it were by the Holy Ghost:  Angels speak by the power of the Holy Ghost; wherefore, they speak the words of Christ." - 2 Nephi 32:3

That's the language I want to learn to speak.... the language of angels.

-Alicia

"You can heal the heartache

Speak over the fear

God, Your voice is the only thing

We need to hear

Words can build us up

Words can break us down

Start a fire in our hearts or

Put it out

Let my words be life

Let my words be truth

I don't wanna say a word

Unless it points the world back to You

Let the words I say

Be the sound of Your grace

I don't wanna say a word

Unless it points the world back to You

I wanna speak Your love

Not just another noise

Oh, I wanna be Your light

I wanna be Your voice

Let my words be life

Let my words be truth"

- Words by, Hawk Nelson

What a great day!

Today was a very good day.  The meetings and speakers were all so perfect and the atmosphere was beautiful.  It felt wonderful to celebrate our fathers and I had so much fun making it an enjoyable day for my husband.  He really is such a fantastic dad!!

Another thing I loved about today was I just finished reading the book that came in the mail yesterday.  This author has a very powerful spirit because just reading her words, her presence seems to transcend space and time.  I can't explain it but it's very tangible.

If I were asked to choose three favorite parts in this book it would be hard because she shared some really wonderful things.  But nevertheless, if I had to choose...I'd narrow it down to these:

I like this part because she mentions Superman and where real superhuman power comes from:
"We live in a society which idolizes the heroes - Superman, Luke Skywalker, etc.  In fantasy we dream of becoming such a wonder.  Yet, through the divine assistance of a living God, we can in fact perform mighty miracles - superhuman miracles!  This is superhuman power and no pretended Hollywood character can match it.  To be willing to go forward on a sure course with the Spirit is to enter a whole new real of gospel living.  Living by the Spirit is exciting, unpredictable and- I choose my word carefully- fun! Yes, fun!" - Mollie Sorensen

I really like this first part because she touches on being 'mothers' not only in a physical sense but in a spiritual sense...  and I like that in regards to my journey to become a foster mom.  
More especially though, I love this quote she shares from Parley P. Pratt because I've experienced "such persons" in my life.
"To become a mother in Zion refers not only to the begetting of physical children, but more specifically the begetting of Christ-like qualities in others... Parely P. Pratt explained, 'In the presence of such persons one feels to enjoy the light of their countenances, as the genial rays of a sunbeam.  Their very atmosphere diffuses a thrill, a warm glow of pure gladness and sympathy, to the heart and nerves of others who have kindred feelings, or sympathy of spirit.  No matter if the parties are strangers, entirely unknown to each other, each will be apt to remark in his own mind and perhaps exclaim, when referring to the interview, 'Oh, what an atmosphere encircles that stranger!  How my heart thrilled with pure and holy feelings in his presence!  What confidence and sympathy he inspired!  His countenance and spirit gave me more assurance than a thousand written recommendations or introductory letters.' Such is the Gift of the Holy Spirit and such are its operations..." (Key to Theology, p. 102)

And last but not least, I like the very ending of her book because I feel that in just a few short years, my eyes have been opened to some amazing sights and I have enjoyed some very precious experiences, for which my soul is forever grateful!
"Amazing sights of glory are opened to the one who is willing to grow and yield to the Spirit: sights of faith and hope that make every day exciting and adventurous, sights of love and caring that make meeting the new neighbor down the block a precious experience, sights of living that cause one to relish a new sunrise and the morning dew, sights of freedom that prompt one to dance up and down the street, sights of joy that seem to overflow into ecstasy, and sights of glory that defy description.... We must decide to what we are now, or to become what we can become through the Spirit.  The 'sights' are glorious and well worth whatever effort to obtain A New Spirit Within You." - Mollie Sorensen

- Alicia

It came today!

I ordered a book last weekend from Amazon.  A friend of mine told me the title of this book his mom had written and so a few days later I decided to look it up.  I was so happy to find a copy in print... and it came in the mail today!!

 I've read one other book by this author in an online version and I've read about 10 or 12 pages from a  a book called, A More Perfect Union.

It looks like a super quick read but drawing from what I know, I'm certain that it will be very soul filling and highly edifying.  :)

-Alicia

Beauty Divine

"I looked and beheld a tree... and the beauty thereof was far beyond, 

yea, exceeding of all beauty."

(1 Nephi 11:8)

Breathtaking vision, It's a sight to behold,

Something about it that never grows old.

Its brilliance is timeless and shines like the Son-

Bright as the day heav'n and earth become one.

Age will not tarnish purest beauty Divine

Each passing year only ripen, refine

Growing in majesty and flourishing grace,

Kindness, compassion, a smiling face,

Inspiring virtue, fine-tuned affection

Hope, friendship, joy, and human connection.
A new Spirit within from heaven above
Constantly reaching with a Christlike love,

Everlasting beauty that conquers the grave

Lives on in the soul and all that they gave.

by, Alicia Rawlins

Tree of Life by, Audiomachine

“I believe the Savior is telling us that unless we lose ourselves in service to others, there is little purpose to our own lives. Those who live only for themselves eventually shrivel up and … lose their lives, while those who lose themselves in service to others grow and flourish—and in effect save their lives.” - President Thomas S. Monson

"I have come to know that it is the love of God and neighbor that gives meaning to life. May we follow our Savior’s example and His admonition to reach out to others with love." - Cheryl A. Esplin

"There is no happiness in having or in getting, but only in giving." - Henry Drummond

"You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love." - Henry Drummond