Wherever They Go

Things are still going wonderful with our little three-year-old foster girl, so great in fact that we are taking in a couple more foster kids this weekend. One girl is eleven and the other is seven. It's respite care so it won't be a permanent placement but I'm extremely happy that in this case we are in a position to take them.

My heart hurts for our former fosters who left a few months ago. I think about them every day and wish that conditions would have been such that they could have stayed. I love them both very much and it's hard to see the family they are with now struggling worse than we were. I offer my help and bring my former fosters to my home about once a week but it just makes me more aware of how much they've digressed since they left. They've been living with their mom on the weekends and should be living permanently with her soon. I can't help but wonder which roads they will choose in life.... I wonder the same thing about my bio children.

No matter where any of my children go and what choices they make, I hope they all know that we love them so much and wish for them the very best.

-Alicia

Sweet Sixteen

Chandler turned 16 yesterday! It's hard to believe he's growing up so fast. 

I love him more and more every day. He's such a good kid and he's incredibly gifted.

I'm amazed at how fast he picks up on things, especially with computer software and writing music. He really does have a photographic memory. 

He landed his first job a couple days ago too.  

He's starting next week as a drafter at an architecture firm. 

I'm very excited for him because I know he's going to be awesome!

My friend, Suzanne, made Chandler his own little cake. :)

Invincible

My little Kaylee turned 9 yesterday! She spent most of the day with her two favorite friends, Leah and Hannah. She picked her favorite music as I drove her and her friends around. She has this song called "Invincible" by, Skillet that she loves to play. I think she knows all the words by heart! It makes me laugh because it sounds a little rough for her personality. But then again, I think I surprised my parents with the hard rock I loved as a kid.

I like the fact that Kaylee has a little edge to her. Happy Birthday to my sweet, petite, Kaylee, who deep down inside is really as TOUGH AS NAILS!!  I love you! You really are invincible!!

Down to the River

Micah turned twelve over the weekend. I let him choose how he wanted to spend the afternoon together on his birthday.  He's incredibly easy to please.  All he wanted to do was eat Little Caesar's crazy bread and walk along the Provo River.

As we got out of the van and started heading toward the parkway that runs along the river, I had a weird sense of  déjà vu.
"It feels like we've done this exact same thing before," I said to him.
Micah replied, "That's because we have, mom. This is what we did together on my eighth birthday too."
I laughed as I recalled the four years previous, "Oh yeah, we did... didn't we?"

It was such a perfect afternoon. Micah found a log to rest on and enjoy the shade of the narrowleaf cottonwood trees. I smiled adoringly as I watched him soak up the sound of rushing water accompanied by the cheerful chirping of birds. He has always loved this kind of stuff, more than any of my other kids.

His dream is to have a little cottage someday tucked away in the solitude of the mountains, where he has a porch with a wooden rocking chair overlooking a freshwater stream. There, he'll close his eyes, breathe the fresh crisp air, and relax to the sounds of nature.

I like that dream.

-Alicia





I

Leave this part blank.

I can't even write anymore. I can't seem to grasp my own thoughts, let alone articulate them.  I feel so terribly far from inspiration.  These days, I hardly know how to talk to my old friends when I see them let alone how to talk to God. In most of my prayers my mind drifts endlessly or is totally blank. My husband has expressed the exact same struggles. My children are manifesting similar emotions too.

Our world has shrunk to a select few who understand. The couple in our ward who had these kids before us "get" what we're going through but even they didn't have the children as long...and they didn't have their own biological children to blend with them either.

The irony of foster care is you try so desperately to save the lives of your foster kids but in the process you better brace yourself to take a wrecking ball to your own life. The trick is to avoid resenting that "wrecking ball" even learn how to love it, to embrace it.

Now, my foster son is doing pretty well despite a few set-backs.  I can't complain. He is trying so hard and I'm very proud of his progress. On the other hand, the melt-downs have increased with my foster daughter again. She was really doing better for several weeks in a row until she started seeing her mother 2x a week at the daycare for women in drug rehab. Almost every night now before bed she's back to  having convulsions and screaming non-stop for over an hour.  She's been doing this more in the day too. There's absolutely no consoling her. I offer to read her a story or to scratch her back in an effort to calm her. I hold her and she kicks and flails. Every soothing effort she violently refuses and so I walk away only to hear her scream like a banshee for all that she said she didn't want two seconds ago. At that point, all I can do is shut the door, walk away, and wait for her to be silent. Sometimes, I'm not that patient and I scream back or give her one big firm swat on the butt. (Of course that never helps.)

When she's not having melt-downs she wants me holding her and I do hold her but she weighs the same as Kaylee and I can't hold her for extremely long periods like she wishes.  The minute I set her down, she panics or starts lashing out at my other kids--That's hard for them. Chandler can't stand it, so he chases after her in a territorial manner acting like he's going to beat her... of course, he doesn't touch her but the threat is enough to cause the anxiety in her three-yr-old body to sky-rocket. (I've had a thousand lectures with Chandler about this begging him not tease her like that.)

She is a good girl and can be very sweet. I desperately want to give her the best home.  I want to help her so much but she can also be so hard, so very, very hard! Never in my life have I experienced a child like her. No one sees the struggles we are going through. No one sees it! When I talk with the social workers, they say I'm doing great. Really? Because I feel like crap! I'm just not who I thought I'd be as a foster mom.

I found a medical term that describes what my husband and I are going through. It's called Post Adoption Depression.  Now, we aren't adopting right now because our goal in foster care is to get these kids to reunification with the birth-parents but many of the symptoms we have been experiencing are the same as listed in Post Adoption Depression.

So what do we do? 

I don't know. I have no clue. 

There are many good moments.  I guess that is what I was trying to capture in my last post... but who am I kidding?... Most of the time, it feels like I'm falling apart. I pray for strength to be a better person. I know I can do better.

-Alicia 

I found a small space in our shrunken world that seemed to validate our emotions. According to this thread, this is "the new normal" and I need to have faith that time will be the healing factor.

https://adoption.com/forums/thread/369558/still-not-feeling-attached-to-adopted-daughter/

Vivian Park - This was a good day for our family. (Foster's faces are blurred because we can't post their pictures.)

Driving Lessons

Chandler has been driving with his permit for eight months now. It's so fun to see him growing up! He's an interesting mixture of cautious and cocky when he's on the road.

Before I say much more, I have a small confession to make:
He has actually been driving with me much longer than with his permit... much longer.  I don't know how legal it is but I've been taking all my kids to vacant church parking lots since they were eight years old giving them turns sitting with me in the driver's seat.  It's just a little more difficult these days to be inconspicuous in our big huge "space shuttle."

Through the years, I've noticed how completely different each of my kids have handled driving and how core aspects of their personalities manifest themselves behind the wheel.

Just for the record, Chandler gave his predictions for each of his siblings when they get their licence:
"Miriam will always drive 20-miles-an-hour under the speed limit.
Micah will be the first one to get in a wreck.
Kaylee will be too afraid to even get behind the wheel."

I laugh because I believe he's right with Micah and I don't think the wreck will be small... and of course, Micah will think it was awesome! But Chandler's predictions about his "timid" sisters couldn't be more off.  Miriam has always handled it quite confidently and maturely. As for Kaylee, Chandler hasn't been with me when I've taken her out for a "drive"... she's much more "brave" than he thinks.

-Alicia

All About Learning

Joseph took work off today so we could enjoy a nice morning hike together. He's been so good about making sure we have time alone. Our dates are more frequent and consistent than ever and I love it! I think Joseph has felt more protective of me because of all we are experiencing with foster care. He's anxious to make sure I'm holding up okay.  It's very sweet of him.

It's been great to see how my kids protectively look out for me too. I have one class this semester at BYU. It has been pretty easy because it's a religion class and I use part of my scripture study time in the early morning to do my reading assignments which works out well because they're assigned from the scriptures. The exams are a little tough though. Last night, I had to study for one but couldn't really get to it until late in the evening. When I finally made it into my room to study, my foster daughter kept screaming for me. I could hear Miriam outside my bedroom door patiently working with her and helping her understand that I couldn't come out of my room. Miriam really is a miracle-worker when it comes to children.

Chandler also tried to help give me the space I needed to study. When he heard our foster daughter screaming for me again, he bounded up the stairs with a growl to "stop her"... which resulted in Miriam, Joseph, Micah, and Kaylee all dog-piling Chandler to "protect" our foster daughter. Ha ha! Despite that bit of drama, I really do appreciate Chandler's heart in it.  He really does look out for me.

It has been amazing to watch my children in this huge life-change for them and I've been so pleased to see them adjust as well as they have.  I think Micah and Kaylee have dealt with the most. They both have demonstrated incredible compassion, making room, giving time, teaching patiently, and sharing. I worry though... because I think some damage has been done to Kaylee emotionally so we've made an effort to get her therapy from a Dr. who specializes with foster families.

As hard as it has been, I must say that our foster kids have shown huge positive changes from when they first moved in with us. They are learning what it means to have boundaries, personal space, and healthy communication. They are learning responsibilities, learning to work, learning to play, learning to be creative, and use their imaginations. They are learning how a mom and a dad should treat each other. They are learning what it's like to have a book read to them, to have positive physical affection, and to feel safe at night.

We're all learning so much. I've said it before and I'll say it again:

Show me a person who has innumerable followers, popularity, high accolades, degrees and doctorates, scholarly knowledge, who has read all the books and passed all the tests but who has never learned to care for their family, never learned to be civil in conversation, never learned to recognize and act upon the Spirit, never learned to reach beyond their obsession of self to sincerely love their neighbor, who has never learned to truly love and truly serve - and you've shown me a fool, indeed.

I truly believe that best kind of education is found in meaningful relationships, it is found in learning to love, to step outside our self in the most exhausting and difficult circumstances.

-Alicia

My Hopeless Romantic

The afternoon was busy as I bounced between all the household chores, drove to and from music lessons, worked on homeschool with my three younger ones, rushed to the store, and raced the clock to assemble a Thai recipe my foster son had been begging me to cook before he got home from school...

In all the chaos, I almost didn't notice the most adorable thing happening right in front of me:

My 3-yr-old foster daughter danced into the kitchen beaming with delight as she twirled to show me the elegant red dress she was wearing. Micah stood proudly behind her with a smile. "Doesn't she look beautiful, mom?"
"Yes, she does." I agreed. "Did you help her pick that out?"
Micah nodded and then turned to my foster daughter, sweetly calling her by name, "Now all you need is a beautiful flower for your hair.  Do you want me to pick you a flower?"
She nodded, "Yes".
"Okay, I'll be right back. Wait right here." Micah instructed my foster daughter as she stared out the glass door and watched him step outside.  She waited fondly as he disappeared around the corner of the house beyond her view.

A few minutes later, Micah entered back in the house through the front door, holding in his hand a beautiful pink paper flower with a green paper stem.
"Here you go!" Micah said as he presented his foster sister with the gift.
She jumped with excitement at the sight as he gently tucked the flower in her hair.

"Micah, that was so incredibly sweet of you to do.  Did you make that while you were outside?"
"Yeah" he smiled shyly.  "I wanted to pick one from our yard but because it is winter, there's nothing growing... so I walked around to the front porch and hurried to make her this paper one."
"Micah, you not only just made her day... you made my day too.  I can't believe how incredibly sweet you are!  The flower is absolutely lovely!"
She wore it in her hair the rest of the evening and held it in her hand as she fell asleep tonight.
What a precious memory!

Man! Micah has always been my hopeless romantic. Things like this just seem to be so natural for him.  He has certainly won my heart.
Oh, how I love him!

-Alicia

P.S.
Just a little extra tid-bit that makes this kid even more adorable.. Left Hand Free by, Alt-J is his favorite song right now. He can sing along to every single word.  He loves to play this!
"Pick a pedal eenie, meanie, minie-moe, and Flower, you're the chosen one."

One-On-One Winter Semester

Winter Semester started this week. I love being on campus so much! For the next few months, I have three of my kids lined up with Seeds of Success--a group of volunteer BYU students who study one-on-one with kids for an hour each week.  Micah and Kaylee go to campus on Mondays and Miriam goes on Thursdays.  I have my class that I attend each week too so, I get to be on campus more than ever this semester.

 The kids love their tutors! Doing their schoolwork one-on-one with college-aged students inspires them to seek a higher education, it helps them learn to socialize with a more mature age, and gives them outstanding role models to follow in their most formative years.

While Miriam studied yesterday, I was able to have one-on-one time with my foster daughter and it seemed to fill the need of her attention bucket for almost the rest of the day.

While Micah and Kaylee study on campus with their tutors, my foster son has expressed the desire to have one-on-one time and be given a tour of the buildings at BYU. I'm more than happy to give him a tour of my favorite place on earth.

Here's to another semester of life, love, and learning!

-Alicia

Favorite Things

I stay up late most nights taking turns scratching each of the kids backs and listening to them tell me about their day or ask questions about life.  My foster son loves to be last so he can get the longest back scratch and talk to me the most... Tonight he wanted to have a tickle fight after his back scratch was over--making him completely giddy... (so much for sleepiness).  He loves to find whatever way he can to get physical affection (something he has been starved of his whole life). Eventually, he fell asleep. It was cute.

I feel like today ended as a pretty good day.  After all the kids finally dozed off, I reflected on the good time I had visiting at their bedsides. I feel so blessed to have each of them in my life.

One of my favorite things about being a mom is watching all my children discover their own unique passions and talents:

• Miriam is my little author.  Whenever she has a spare moment, she loves to write books, mostly mystery and suspense books. She loves to have me and Joseph proof-read every chapter. I won't be surprised to see her name published someday.
• Micah is my sculptor and engineer. He loves to craft things, and he can create just about anything.  He's incredible! He sculpted and sold a nativity set at our friend's shop up the street.  He really could easily sell almost all of his creations. 
• Honestly, I haven't discovered one particular focus Kaylee has a passion for... she's just passionate.  She's my little lover, always giving away hugs and kisses galore, especially to little babies.
• I'm still working on helping my foster son develop a passion for something.  He doesn't have much confidence in himself.  I keep telling him that he can do so much more than he realizes.  
• My foster daughter is only three...  I'm still trying to discover her passion too.
• And last but not least, Chandler's favorite thing in the whole wide world (besides watching football), is writing electronic dance music.  Chandler began his own SoundCloud page three months ago.  I have to say, for a fifteen-year-old kid, he has some pretty impressive stuff that he has composed.  The other night, Chandler was showing me the latest track he had written.  His stuff is really worth a listen.  When he was finished showing me his work, he playfully nudged me insisting that he share a quick Youtube video about electronic dance music.  It's a pretty funny clip, clearly making a mock of EDM,  We both had a very good laugh together.

I love being a mom... sure it's a tough job but it's so fun to watch my kids grow and see their unique personalities. Time is passing much faster than I ever imagined it would.  I want to hang on to everything I can.

-Alicia

Not Alone

These last couple of weeks have been so incredibly hard.  My foster daughter is an extremely stressed little three-year-old.  Her trauma is so intense that she's like a lighted fuse all day long. It takes the slightest event to set her off in full-blown aggression; she'll scream the most piercing scream, flail her arms, and kick the floor for twenty minutes straight.  I'll get her settled and then she'll want something else and explode again. When she's not throwing horrible tantrums she's clinging to my leg, sitting on my lap, or begging me to hold her in my arms.  It's like she knows she's been misbehaving and is extremely anxious her behavior will cause me to not want her with me anymore, so she panics and goes to the opposite end of the spectrum and clings so tightly.  It's hard because after all that acting out, I really don't want to even be around her, let alone hold her.

Her melt-downs are like an addiction, a habit she can't seem to kick. I've never been so exhausted in my life.  My oldest son had tantrums that were pretty bad where he would make himself vomit but even though those were difficult to deal with, these ones with my foster daughter are so much worse!

My husband has been checking on me everyday from work.  He's worried for me because he too understands the intensity of our situation.  He gave me a blessing Sunday night.  We actually had the foster kids go to a neighbor's house Sunday so we could have a family counsel with just our bio- kids. We can see that foster care is wearing them down too.  The all said they want to quit.  I don't blame them.  They've been so good through all of this though, and they've showed incredible patience.  We decided as a family that we're going to keep going for a little longer and just take things one day at a time.

I spoke with the children's therapist yesterday.  I explained how awful this has been. After diagnosis, they've increased the children's trauma levels. The therapist been working in the foster care system for 20 years and has dealt with hundreds of cases.  She listened to everything I could tell her for nearly 40 minutes.  As I described the hellish circumstances, she nodded her head sympathetically and said, "Welcome to the new normal. It may even get harder from here. That's why there is such a high turn-over rate if foster parenting.  But what I've seen with you, these children are doing so much better than they were, so much better!" Somehow, I found comfort speaking with her even though I know things are still going to be hard. 

I've discovered that this whole ward I moved into helped raise these kids for two months, it wasn't just the one couple.  I don't know how many people have come up to me at church who have said they had the children stay at their house for a day or so.  They must have been watched by at least ten different families in that short time (maybe there was a sign-up sheet being rotated around, I don't know). One woman, after Sacrament Meeting last Sunday, looked me straight in the eye and asked how I was doing.  Tears began to flow and I described the difficulties with the children I was having, especially the younger one.  She hugged me and said, "We had them only for a day or two and I know exactly what you're talking about. I can't even imagine what it must be like for longer than that." 

I don't know how many foster parents who have the luxury that we do. We are surrounded by a neighborhood who has helped carry the crushing weight and who understands our circumstances first-hand. I'm comforted to know that we don't have to do this alone.

-Alicia

Behind the Scenes

Foster care certainly has its challenges. Its exhausting and often overwhelming... but I have found the challenges are met far easier because of the help from my amazing children.  My appreciation for each of my biological children has increased a hundred fold this past month as I've watched them adapt to their new life with their new siblings. They have displayed more patience, more compassion, more resilience and more creativity than I ever thought possible. They are truly amazing!

My husband has shown great strength too. I'm so proud of his perseverance and patience. He is a wonderful example to me of humility and obedience before the Lord. I'm so incredibly grateful I have him at my side in this difficult journey.

We've had so many people from our new ward tell us that they've witnessed our foster kids make leaps and bounds of improvement since they've been placed with us. Honestly, so much credit goes to my husband and children.  My contribution is such a small fraction.  This has been a huge team effort.  There's no way I could move forward in this calling without each of them. I am richly blessed!

-Alicia

Pushing Every Limit

Today was rough. Every child tests their boundaries.

I'm bonding really well with the younger foster child but I'm struggling with the older one. I know that most of his rude and obnoxious behavior is normal in his mind and just habitual from the environment he's been used to all his life. We're not used to it though... and I guess he's trying to see how far we'll deal with it. He has very little regard for authority or personal space. He's a good kid, just most of his poor behavior comes from a lack of understanding of how to have appropriate interactions. 

We were supposed to have family night tonight but things fell apart.  I think Micah has been holding a lot of his emotions in and tonight they surfaced--stinging, raw, exposed.  My heart went out to him because I know he's been using every effort to not yell out in frustration with his new roommate. My heart also went out to our foster son because the poor kid's life is in pieces. He doesn't want to be here, he wants his family back, and he's terrified!

We want to be refined and this is definitely refining. I'm exhausted. Joseph is exhausted. We look at each other and wonder what on earth we've gotten ourselves into. All we can do is hold on and keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other.  I pray: Lord, give us strength!

-Alicia

Names

It was a little rough trying to get the kids to sleep.  My two foster children are still adjusting but I think tonight went better than last night.   I've heard from training that whatever age you get your foster children, they bond with you in similar stages as newborns.  The youngest we have is turning three in a couple weeks.  She won't sleep unless I lay with her.  She rolls over and nestles her head on my chest so she can hear my heart beating.  She wants to lay on me the same way my newborns did. I always loved that so it feels comfortable for me.

Tonight, after I finally got the younger one asleep. I walked into the bedroom of the older foster child. sat at his bedside, and chatted with him for a while.  I did the same last night too.  He doesn't feel comfortable with me touching him and that's to be expected. No back scratches for now, but I discovered that letting him have conversations with me, letting him ask questions, sort-of almost rocks him to sleep with words.

Tonight, we got on the topic of names and their meanings.  He asked what all my children's names meant.  He asked what mine meant... I said, "Alicia means queenly, truthful, or noble."
"I don't see a crown on your head," he responded.
"No, you're right."
"What does your middle name mean?"
"My middle name is Ruth and it means friend."
"Hmm" he paused for a moment. "What does my name mean?" He asked inquisitively pointing to himself.
"I don't know, I'll have to look it up,"I said.
"Can you look it up now?"
"Sure, I'll be right back."
I went to the computer and searched his name and returned with a smile on my face.
"What does my name mean?" He asked me again.
"It's really cool. You'll like it."
"Really!" He sat up again, eager to hear.
I winked at him, "It means, 'Prince' and your middle name means 'bright and shining. So, you are a bright and shining prince."
His eyes danced with delight. "Does my name really mean prince?"
I nodded.
"I want to go search all my friends names and see what they mean. Can I do it now?"
"No, it's past 11:30... but that would be something we could do tomorrow."
I stepped out of his room and wished the bright and shining prince goodnight.
He tucked back under his covers and shyly peeked at me. He's cute.

-Alicia

 

Six to Eight

Our family grows by two more today.  We're being placed with our first official foster children. I have their beds and dressers ready.  I bought a little stuffed animal for both of the children and wrote a small note to the older one welcoming him into our family. He's been coming over every day after school for the past week-and-a-half, staying until dinner.  The social worker didn't tell him we'd be his new foster parents until a couple days ago and I think it's a frightening change for him just as it is for us--so many unknowns.

The woman who had been watching the kids for the past three months came over yesterday and we talked for about an hour.  I was in the middle of doing my homework when she stopped by and the timing of her visit wasn't the best. I have been doing research for my class at BYU and it has been a very time-consuming project- so I was already a bit nervous about my schedule. I must admit that the things she shared with me were very intimidating too.  She warned me that the little girl never sleeps because of night terrors--waking and screaming, biting and scratching herself almost every hour from so much trauma. I could feel the anxiety grow in my heart as she shared other stories with me.

After she left, I prayed and pled for guidance and comfort. I decided to make an impromptu visit to the DCFS office near my home and speak with the children's social worker.  He spoke to me for over an hour and I was glad to have connected with him.

Later in the evening, Joseph and I went to the temple and did a session.  We always take a moment to pray together and share with each other thoughts and impressions as we sit in the Celestial room. He expressed the insights he had and then asked, "What about you?" I reflected on the events of the day and the intense emotion I felt earlier in contrast to how I was feeling then. I answered, "I didn't have anything revealatory come to me, but I have felt incredible peace. Somehow, at this moment, even knowing what lies ahead and the exhaustion I will feel caring for these children (the weekly parent visits, the court dates, the medical, dental, school appointments, etc.) I feel peace. All the anxiety and worry is gone from my heart and I'm so incredibly grateful for that."

This morning, I went to take my two oldest to do baptisms at the temple with a friend but the kids decided last-minute to sleep in. I was already up and ready to go, so I went alone and did some initiatories. Again, nothing revealatory happened, I just felt peace.

One foot in front of the other.  Keep on keeping on.

I'm so grateful that this is the Lord's work and that He'll be with our family through all of it, just as He has always, always been there for us.

-Alicia

"One such little child"... or two

Last Sunday, I slipped into the back of the primary room and watched him as he interacted with his teacher. The boy is one year younger than my second son and probably twice as heavy--an adorably pudgy kid with dark hair, tan skin, and almond-shaped eyes.  His white collar Sunday shirt was untucked from his black slacks that were rolled up to show off his long striped socks and Air Jordan shoes.  He rarely sat still during the class and occasionally made spontaneous outbursts of animal noises. From what the other ward members had told me, his behavior has made tremendous progress since mid July, when he first began living with the young newly married couple.

He didn't notice me sitting in the back of the room... and even if he had glanced over, he wouldn't have thought anything of me being there.  He hadn't been told about me yet, even though his social worker has been working with my resource counselor to place him and his little sister in our home.

I started imagining him living with us and wondered how all of my own children would interact with him, especially my younger son, who would be his new roommate.  Fears of personality clashes, emotional adjustments, and the huge upheaval of lifestyle change for my 11-yr. old began to nag at me:  "Micah is extremely compassionate and very giving. He loves to help others but will tuck tail and run if they are ever mean--he's terribly sensitive when someone is rude to him. He's the most flexible of all of my children yet, I don't want this situation to break him or be too much for him." I continued to question, "What are we doing? Are we asking too much of all of our kids to bring these foster children in our home?" I took a deep breath and tried not to let my worries plague my mind.

I stepped out of the primary room and finished up the rest of the hour in Relief Society.  After our church services were over, I had to head down the street to watch a primary program in a neighboring ward.  It was my second program I was scheduled to watch that Sunday.

I arrived at the other church 15 minutes early.  With all my fears still weighing on me, I decided to find an empty classroom where I could just pray and study the scriptures before the program began.  Tears rolled down my face as I pled for strength to accomplish this mission God has called us to.  It will be hard for our whole family. I question my own abilities. Sometimes, I shake my head in disbelief, "Lord, why on earth do you think I can do this? I am so far from the kind of mother I want to be with my own biological children. How can I be a good mother to someone else's?" I flipped through the pages in my Bible and read, "Whoso shall receive one such little child in My name receiveth Me." (Matthew 18:5) I knew it was true!

It doesn't matter who these children belong to. Any child that comes to my home needs to know that I would receive them as if they were the Savior, Himself. I know that God's hand has been in all of this.  I do not doubt that He sent us to this very specific place because of this boy and this girl.

It was the perfect day for me to read the scripture in Matthew because at the end of both primary programs--the morning and the afternoon, the Bishop from each ward shared his testimony and quoted from the verses previous,  "And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them, and said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 18:2-4) Comfortingly, I said to myself, "This is His work.  This is His work."

The caretaker of the foster children from my ward called me this past week and asked if I'd watch the two kids while they were on fall break.  I took them during the day for three days.  It has been good for all of us to meet them, to spend time with them.  Now they know we're foster parents.  I was surprised to see the boy was already quite familiar with our home.  He began to name where all the furniture used to be from the previous owners.  I guess his mother was friends with the woman we bought our home from and he had been here several times with her.

This weekend, we did respite care again for a nine-yr. old girl and her baby brother.  (We've watched them twice before.) There was an overlap where we had them and the two foster children who are getting placed with us--making four foster kids total in our home. Micah and Miriam also had a friend visiting for a good chunk of the day, adding two more kids to the mix. I didn't feel overwhelmed by all the children though, in fact I had more energy than I had all week long.  It was a definite tender mercy. These are the kinds of little miracles I'll need and I'll be expecting to carry us through in the future.

Today, I saw the foster children at church again.  But this time they knew me. They smiled shyly and waved from the bench across the row.  They are good kids and I can feel my heart open to them. Their caretaker is going to break the news to them this week that they'll be living with us. I don't know how long it will be before the children are placed in our home permanently--I imagine it will be less than a month.  I hope to be able to stay on top of my schoolwork because I'm so close to finishing this semester.  I continue to pray for strength beyond my own.  I pray for my husband, for my children, that we all will be able to unite through this effort and draw closer.  This is not a small undertaking.  Sometimes, I'm terrified, absolutely terrified... but we're still moving ahead... one foot in front of the other.

"[We] can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth [us]."- Philippians 4:13

-Alicia :)

Why Are We Here?

Why Are We Here?

Racing home from school on my bike, I cut through the 7-11 parking lot to shave off a few seconds.  Out of the corner of my eye, I caught a quick glimpse of a woman waiting at the intersection to cross the street to our side of the road.  I didn't think anything of it and continued full speed into my driveway.  Seconds after I entered our house and removed my shoes, the same woman I just saw was knocking at our door.
She was a younger woman, I'd guess in her early 20's.  The expression on her face was one of urgency and great anxiety as she apologized,
"I'm so sorry for bothering you but I felt like I needed to stop by and talk to you now!"
At first, I thought she was going to tell me that some creepy person was chasing her.  I really didn't know what to expect.
She continued almost without taking a breath, "Can I come in and speak to you and your husband?"
"Sure", I said as I guided her into our front room and gestured for Joseph to join me.
"Thank you again.  Please don't think I'm strange," she begged.
"I've heard about your family moving in and was told you are licenced foster parents. Is that true?"
"Yes." We both said almost in unison, instantly feeling better that we knew the subject matter of her visit.
She continued, "I know this is hard to believe but... we ended up being left with these kids and I don't really know what to do. I don't know when their parents will be out of jail either but we need to find a place for the children."
She took a deep breath to collect herself, trying to hide the embarrassment on her face.  I told her not to worry and touched her shoulder encouragingly.
Wringing her hands nervously, she spoke through her tears, "It's been such a hard few months.  Don't get me wrong, they are really good kids, it's just that this happened all so suddenly and we're not officially licenced to do foster care, we're not in a good financial state, and I work full time.  Their biological mother has been begging us to keep her children in this ward, she really feels that it's the best place for them but we can't stay in our apartment for long. We'll need to move out eventually and I don't know what to do at this point.  Can you help us? Do you think you are able to take the children?"

My heart went out to her, I assured her that she was in a safe place and that we would do all we could to help.  Legally, we have to go through the right channels.  Any foster children that come into our home must be placed by the official people and must go through our Resource Family Consultant. 

The un-licenced foster mom who anxiously sought our help was very understanding about the process as I explained it.  I took the name of the children and sent them to our family consultant.  In the mean time, I spent the next day making our home completely foster ready: installing child gates for top and bottom of the stairs, smoke detectors in the right places, locks for the attic, and locks for the cleaning chemicals and medicine cabinets.  We're officially ready now for placement.

I think it's interesting that this young married woman was given these children right around the same time we found out we had to move from our apartment.  And it's interesting that the biological mom has been so specific about keeping her kids in this ward. (Such a request from a bio-mom is extremely rare!!) Yet, here we had miraculous events that led us to this home in this ward and... we have room for exactly two kids--one boy and one girl.

I don't really know what will happen at this point but it seems all too coincidental to be a coincident.  I can't help but ask if this is why we are here.  The children's social worker is going to call me on Monday. One thing I do know is that the Lord is deeply aware of all of our needs, especially the needs of the little children in this world.

-Alicia

"Exuberance" is a good word - Ponderize - Week 55

She turned to Miriam with an overly enthusiastic handshake and a sing-songy voice, "Hi!! My name is Elise!! I'm so happy you're here!! I'm going to be your very best friend!!"
Miriam wasn't interested in best friends or any friends for that matter.  She was upset that she had to go to a new ward in the first place and struggled to understand why we had to attend a completely different building when it really wasn't much further away than the chapel near our old place.
She gave Elise a half-smile and responded flatly, "Thanks."

After church, Miriam complained, "There's only two girls in Young Women's and the one that's my age is way too hyper."  She told me all about the chatty blond bubbly girl who flung herself into her personal space.
"Aren't you glad she was nice to you though?" I asked.
"Well... yeah, I guess so." She muttered quitely.
I continued, "Imagine walking into Young Women's and this girl was the type who was snarky and snobbish. Don't you think that would have been much more difficult to deal with?"
Miriam thought for a moment, "You're right.  I'm glad she was friendly.  I just think she needs to tone it down a bit."
I laughed understandingly, "Well, I bet she's super excited because she finally gets to have another girl her age in class.  I wonder how long it has been that they've only had two Young Women? Wouldn't you be happy?"

Yesterday was our second Sunday.  We sat in the row right behind Miriam's "new best friend"--she was holding her toddler sister, bouncing and playing with her in her lap. As soon as she saw Miriam out of the corner of her eye, she flipped around and extended her hand, "Hi again, it's so great to see you!" She said something about it being a beautiful day and then went back to playing with her sister.
Miriam leaned over to me and whispered, "That's her."
I guessed as much and whispered back, "I like her!"
She smiled warmly and I could tell that she was beginning to like her too.

After church, we gathered everyone in the van, "Where's Miriam?" I asked. Joseph pointed across the parking lot to Miriam and Elise, "They're walking home together. I guess all the youth from this ward walk home together. At least that's what one of the other parents was telling me."
"Really?" I thought, "That's so cool!"
Chandler watched as we began to drive by the group of youth, "let me out," he said.  He opened the side door of the van and ran to all the kids.  They didn't flinch and just let him mix right in.  It was so awesome to see! What a blessing!

I've been reading the Isaiah chapters in the Book of Mormon for my personal scripture study and as I read one of the verses, I couldn't help but think of Miriam's happy friend and how grateful I was that she wasn't stuck-up or arrogant in any way.  I really think that would have made our move much too difficult for her.

"And it shall come to pass that the lofty looks of man shall be humbled, and the haughtiness of men shall be bowed down, and the Lord alone shall be exalted in that day... The high ones of stature shall be hewn down; and the haughty shall be humbled... But with righteousness shall he judge the poor, and reprove with equity for the meek of the earth..." Isaiah 2:11, 10:33, 11:4

The verse I'm pondering for the week is The Message version of Galatians 5:22-23
 "But what happens when we live God’s way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely."

-Alicia

Be Thou Humble - By, Elder Steven E. Snow

Counting Cars

Our church is at 9am on Sundays now and that means a whole lot more afternoon for the kids to fill their time without television shows or computer games.  Today, Micah decided to sit by the road and count cars. 

 He sketched out a few popular car brands and jotted down tally marks under them each time one drove by.  He said the company who scores the most will get an email notification from him as an award to let them know they are the winners of his survey! 

Well, in my survey, Micah is the winner of absolute adorableness!

-Alicia

"None Shall Slumber Nor Sleep"

Yesterday and the day before we did respite foster care.  So far, we've done respite  for eleven children total and this past weekend was our very first experience with a girl.  We watched her half-brother about a week ago and this past Friday and Saturday we watched both children.

These half siblings are several years apart. The girl is right between the ages of my two daughters and it was fun to see them both get along so well with her. Micah was thrilled to take care of the baby boy because he's always wanted a younger brother and these moments through foster care are his closest opportunity.  I was surprised by Chandler yesterday because he usually resists touching or interacting with small kids. I wish there was a way I could've captured the good solid half hour he spent gently holding the foster baby on his lap, feeding him Cheerios during the funeral we attended.

The foster girl was removed a couple years ago and her brother was removed only a couple months ago.  When they found the baby, the cops took a hair sample and discovered he tested positive for cocaine, meth, and marijuana.  He couldn't say any words and was terribly malnourished. During the first week his foster parents had him, he went through serious drug withdrawals and was extremely difficult to console.  It's amazing how much he has recovered in such a short amount of time.  Despite a few minor issues, he really seems like a normal happy baby.

Friday night at 1:00 A.M., I heard a timid little knock on our bedroom door.  I opened the door slowly to the foster girl standing there clenching a framed picture in her arms. "I can't sleep" she announced.
"Oh, honey, is there something bothering you?" I asked.
"I miss my mom." She sighed.
"I'm sure you do.  Is this her?" I asked, pointing to the small framed picture she was holding,
"Yeah, that's me and her before I was taken and put into foster care."
"Have you seen her recently?"
"No, not recently... the social workers keep trying to arrange a visit but they say my mom is too sick."
I didn't say anything.

(I haven't been a foster mom for long but I do know enough to understand what the social worker means when they say to a child, "Your mom is very sick right now."  It means that their mom is too high on drugs to be cognitively aware of her child even if they did arrange a visit.)

I walked the foster girl to the bathroom sink and asked if she wanted a cup of water. She gratefully accepted the offer.  I asked if there was any kind of toy or stuffed animal she brought that could help her sleep better.  She nodded and began sorting through her backpack. "I have this," she said pulling out a mouse-like stuffed animal.  "My mom gave it to me.  This and the picture is all I have to remind me of her. I sleep with them every night, even if the picture frame digs into my skin."
"Those two things must be so important to you," I said. "No wonder you want to hold on to them."

We sat down in the middle of the hallway and I listened to her tell me more sad stories; she told me about the time her beaded necklace broke at school - it was the necklace her mom had given her. She hid in the girl's bathroom and cried all day and no one could get her to come come out, not even her teacher.  "It was my only necklace from from my mom.  No one understood why I was crying so much about a bunch of beads.  I miss her so much."
My heart broke for this poor little girl. After time, I could see she was starting to get tired again and suggested she continue to talk to me while she was laying in bed.  She agreed and climbed back under the covers into the lower bunk with her arms still clinging tightly to her memories. She gazed at the mattress above  in a wishful state, "If I could... I would make my mom better so she wasn't sick anymore.  I'd give her all the medicine she needed to help her be well again."
"You are a very sweet girl," I assured her. "I bet you would do anything for your mother.... And you know what?"
"What?" she asked.
"I know there are many people who want to see your mom get better too."
She sighed deeply, "The judge is going to tell me soon if I can go back home with her.  If he says 'no' I'm going to be so upset.  I'm going to scream and scream and be very, very mad....
If he says 'yes' I'm going to give the judge  the biggest hug.  I'll be so happy."
She sighed again.
"This has got to be very difficult for you.  I can't imagine how hard it is."
"Yeah... it's hard." She confirmed.
She lay their a little longer, lost in her imagination, then quietly asked, "What time is it?"
I answered,"It was 1:00 when you knocked on my door."
"What time is it now?"
I peaked around the corner to the clock on the wall, "It's just after 1:30."
She folded her arms over the blankets and nestled her head deeper in the pillows, "I think I'm okay now."
"Are you sure? Do you need me to listen anymore?"
She thought for a moment, "No, I'm okay now.  You can go back to bed."
"Alright, sweetheart.  Do you want me to leave the bathroom light on so it's not so dark?"
"Yes, thank you," she replied and drifted back to sleep.

The next few hours of the night were intervals of  the baby waking and crying.  He seemed to only be soothed if I stood and swayed with him in my arms. Around 4:00 his sister knocked on my door again, she was concerned about her brother.  She suggested he needed a snack and I thanked her for the advice. "Just a tip." she smiled and turned cheerfully back to bed.
"What a good big sister," I thought.
I didn't get him a snack but continued to sway him until he fell asleep in my arms.

It's been a long time since I had a night where my sleep was interrupted that much. I question sometimes what on earth I am doing, throwing myself into this new life of foster care.  I wonder about my capabilities to handle the mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual pressure it will be on me and my family. Yet, despite all my self-doubts, despite all my fears... I can't help but feel this intense pull, this deep desire somehow grow increasingly to keep going, to continue on in this rescue effort.

It's amazing to me how important biological parents are to children - no matter how good or bad, involved or absent they are.  The child wants the mom and dad they are genetically tied to more than anyone else in this world.  Sure, other people can become very important parent-figures and do great things in their life but no one will ever mean as much or fill the hole that only a biological parent can fill.

My vision is changing and my eyes are opening to a world that was invisible before.  There are five regions of foster care in the State of Utah and over 600 children in just our foster region alone. That's a ton when you realize that each of these kids have to come from extremely critical and dangerous circumstances in order to "qualify" for removal.  I can't turn them away from my home, I just can't!! Not after what I've experienced so far... and what I've experienced is only a tiny fraction.  This is going to be very hard work. I pray I can measure up to the task. I pray for strength beyond my own.

-Alicia