Goodbye!

 It was such a blessing that my husband saw the news article in time for us to be able to say goodbye. "Hey look Alicia, The Wash Hut is being sold and turned into a restaurant. Tomorrow, is the final day it will be open."
I was so shocked. "That place has been there forever. It can't go!"

Thankfully, we didn't have any plans that Friday evening they were closing the doors. I was very glad to have the chance to be able to take my kids there to say farewell to the place I spent several hours a week over almost 9 years.

Even after buying our new house last year, equipped with our own washer and dryer, I've gone back to the Wash Hut on a couple occasions to knock out some larger loads. Vic, the owner was there each time and visited with me, as he had in the past, to catch up with how my life was going.

The kids and I each wrote a card to Vic who had been such a great friend to us.

I remember last year, I had stepped outside the Wash Hut onto a little strip of grass that had a shade tree planted in the center of it. I had so much on my mind with our forced move - I just wanted to enjoy some fresh air  in-between my wash-loads, to sit in the cool of the shade and silently pray. My family was going through a very difficult time, it seemed like everything was falling apart for us. I sat out there slumped under the tree with my knees tucked to my chest and my head bowed, trying to look like I was just resting.

Vic found me there, he could tell I had been crying. He knelt down next to me, talked with me, and comforted me. He extend so much compassion and generosity that my heart was overwhelmed with gratitude. I went home feeling as if I had a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders because I knew that God was looking out for me through angels like him.

-Alicia

Snapshots

I haven't taken as many photographs from this summer as I would have liked. But here are a few snapshots from the past several days...

We spent a few days last week at East Canyon State Park renting a couple of lake-side cabins with our friends, the Nimers.  Suzanne and I rented a couple of inflatable kayaks to make things a little more fun. 

Joseph and I got up before everyone else the first morning and took off on the first Kayak. We arrived to find Kaylee waiting for a turn. 

I brought along an inflatable pool raft I found at the thrift store. I figured it was worth the $3 just to see if it would work. (Never-mind that it's actually a camping mattress.) 

It could be a pool raft. ;)

Now, I completely regret not getting a picture of  my favorite part about our lake trip with the Nimers, so this image I thugged from google will have to do. It actually resembles almost exactly what we saw, except the moon was a little bigger.

 One of the evenings after we put the kids to bed, when the sky was full of stars, the four of us (Cory, Suzanne, Joseph, and I) snuck back out on the lake in our kayaks. Joseph brought his green lazer pointer and showed us the constellations: Sagittarius (the teapot), Cygnus (southern cross), Scorpius, and others. Then we gazed at the horizon as the glow of the moon began to crest above the mountains - It rose slowly with a brilliant light and the lake shimmered like glass in the reflection.  It was absolutely magical!

A few days ago, I was able to take my parents, Alexa and Connor, and Kaylee to the Missionary Training Center Open House. I made them lunch first and then treated everyone to the Creamery afterward. Alexa and Connor came back to my place for another hour or so to just talk more.

Yesterday, Miriam had her first day of public school since she was in Kindergarten. Even though she only has half her classes on the high school campus and the other half at home, she was terribly nervous to be in a setting with well over a thousand students. I held her as she cried and then offered to pray with her. I promised her that there would be at least one person in each class she would connect with wonderfully... and that promise was fulfilled. Best of all, when I picked her up at the end of the day, she was beaming with excitement to discover she gets to share her last class with her very favorite friend, Elise. 

Micah and Mitty

For the past week or so, Micah has been on a huge Mitty kick. I'm not sure why but almost any chance he gets, he's been listening to The Secret Life of Walter Mitty soundtrack. Of course, I don't object at all -- It's my favorite movie ever!


Truth be told, it will probably always be my favorite movie because there are so many meanings and memories I've attached from it to my own life.

I really liked hearing the whole soundtrack again today, even though it made my heart ache.

-Alicia

This Past Week

Sunday, my parents and my niece, Alexa, came down for a big Easter feast. I invited my brother and sister to come too but they always have an excuse for why they can't make it. My mom says the big issue is that they're uncomfortable being around so many children in my home. It's just too much and they can't handle the stress. Oh well,I'll keep trying to pull my family together. I know my other brother would come if he didn't live so far away.

After dinner we did our two favorite Easter traditions: golden eggs strung on a tree that you open one at a time to tell the story of Christ's Atonement and empty tomb sweet rolls. Then we played outdoor games as a family: foursquare, light-up Frisbee, and Velcro ball.

My kids were thrilled when Alexa told them she was spending the night at our place.  It's been more than half a year since she's stayed a few days. She's busy with work and college now. Her boyfriend, Conner, is preparing for a mission. I know two years will be a terribly difficult separation for them because they love each other deeply. They plan to get married when he returns. He certainly has my approval, what a wonderful son-in-law he'll make. :)




Miriam celebrated her 14th birthday a few days ago.  Alexa gave her some of her old shirts as a gift and Miriam was so proud to be grown up enough to fit in them. Miriam wanted to go skating with her friends for her birthday. She brought a Isabel from school, Elise from our ward, Emma from the 11th ward, Olivia from the 1st ward, and she invited Grace from the 3rd ward but--Grace had a broken foot.  (I love to see Miriam with her friends because they are all such good girls. She's pretty close with each of them and they're all excited to be at girls camp together this summer.)

I went on a lovely afternoon date with Joseph on Tuesday and it was Kaylee's turn for an afternoon date with him on Wednesday.
 The kids all love their dates with dad. We rotate every Wednesday right after music lessons. These little dates are so simple but they mean so much: a walk down the parkway, eating lunch at his desk, or watching a few of their Youtube videos together. It's only a half-hour of Joseph's time. All the kids need is to be with him and they're happy.

I finished my final essay for my class at BYU this week and I take my final test on Tuesday.  So far, I'm one of three students at 100% or above in my grades. I really love school and am so glad I enrolled this semester despite all the craziness in my life.

There's so many things I want to capture through writing but things have been insanely busy. I'll have to come back to this post and add some photos of these and other events through the week.  I don't have time to add them right now because I'm leaving soon to chaperone a field trip for my foster son and I need to get my other children's homeschool set in motion beforehand.

Seize the day!
-Alicia

My Hopeless Romantic

The afternoon was busy as I bounced between all the household chores, drove to and from music lessons, worked on homeschool with my three younger ones, rushed to the store, and raced the clock to assemble a Thai recipe my foster son had been begging me to cook before he got home from school...

In all the chaos, I almost didn't notice the most adorable thing happening right in front of me:

My 3-yr-old foster daughter danced into the kitchen beaming with delight as she twirled to show me the elegant red dress she was wearing. Micah stood proudly behind her with a smile. "Doesn't she look beautiful, mom?"
"Yes, she does." I agreed. "Did you help her pick that out?"
Micah nodded and then turned to my foster daughter, sweetly calling her by name, "Now all you need is a beautiful flower for your hair.  Do you want me to pick you a flower?"
She nodded, "Yes".
"Okay, I'll be right back. Wait right here." Micah instructed my foster daughter as she stared out the glass door and watched him step outside.  She waited fondly as he disappeared around the corner of the house beyond her view.

A few minutes later, Micah entered back in the house through the front door, holding in his hand a beautiful pink paper flower with a green paper stem.
"Here you go!" Micah said as he presented his foster sister with the gift.
She jumped with excitement at the sight as he gently tucked the flower in her hair.

"Micah, that was so incredibly sweet of you to do.  Did you make that while you were outside?"
"Yeah" he smiled shyly.  "I wanted to pick one from our yard but because it is winter, there's nothing growing... so I walked around to the front porch and hurried to make her this paper one."
"Micah, you not only just made her day... you made my day too.  I can't believe how incredibly sweet you are!  The flower is absolutely lovely!"
She wore it in her hair the rest of the evening and held it in her hand as she fell asleep tonight.
What a precious memory!

Man! Micah has always been my hopeless romantic. Things like this just seem to be so natural for him.  He has certainly won my heart.
Oh, how I love him!

-Alicia

P.S.
Just a little extra tid-bit that makes this kid even more adorable.. Left Hand Free by, Alt-J is his favorite song right now. He can sing along to every single word.  He loves to play this!
"Pick a pedal eenie, meanie, minie-moe, and Flower, you're the chosen one."

So long 2016!

Wow, what a year! 

1. The City Center Temple dedication and cultural celebration. 

2. Alexa's High School Graduation. 

3. Stake boundary changes and the formation of our new Stake. 

4. Kaylee's Baptism.

5. Saying farewell to the ward family we love so much.

6. Saying farewell to my dear sweet friend, Lou (1929-2016).

7. Alexa's Baptism.

8. Moving into a new place, a new home, a new ward.

9. Changes to our family boundaries and becoming foster parents.

When this year started off, I had no idea how completely different our lives would look at the end.   It has been beautiful, painful, eye-opening, heartbreaking, exhausting, and glorious!

I take comfort in knowing that God is with me, fighting my battles. Who knows what this next year will bring? So long, farewell, 2016.

-Alicia

Missing the Memories

Our City Center Temple has been closed for a short time. So this morning, some good friends and I took the kids to do baptisms at the other Provo Temple where we used to go to every Monday.  It was the first time returning for early morning baptisms there since our new temple has been dedicated.

 This morning caught us a little off guard as a feeling of sadness pressed on our hearts. Chandler said he felt it too. Maybe it was just because it was our first time returning there since our big baptism group would go, and we kept expecting to see old friends... only to be reminded that it's all part of the past now.  It just made us sad because we miss those friends and those memories so deeply.
-Alicia

May God's Love Be With You!

A week ago, we finished our Book of Mormon reading as a ward family.  For our final activity, we all wrote our testimonies on "gold" plates and buried them in our Bishop's backyard. They will fit nicely there with King Benjamin's tower, the buried weapons of war, and the Jaredite barge [aka: his carriage house]. Words can't express how much I'll miss these adventures we've had in this place.

Leading up to that final event last week, I studied what it meant to "lay hold upon every good thing" (Moroni 7:19).  I searched the definition and discovered "lay hold" means to "seize" as in "seize the day".  Of course, this reminded me of my favorite movie, Mitty, and how Cheryl's influence caused Walter to seize the day.

I've written about it before, the secret to life....  To tell the truth, It's on my mind constantly... so it may come as no surprise that I thought about it again this morning as I studied the New Testament and came across these verses, "Ye are all the children of the light and the children of the day... let us who are of the day, be sober [calm, reasonable, and clear thinking], putting on the breastplate of faith and love; and for an helmet, the hope of salvation." (1 Thessalonians 5:5,8)

In this modern age there is warfare of all kinds, not just physical but spiritual and emotional too.  In the midst of  battle, the most vital areas are the chest and head -So, I really like the imagery Paul uses as he instructs us how to protect them.

When I think of Salvation for our helmet, I think of "always remembering Him" [our Savior and His atoning sacrifice for us].  This is vital because we are fallible, we are mortal, we make mistakes, and we're so very far from perfect. The Savior knew we would need hope in life's moments that hit us so painfully with this reality.  Truly, what can bring more hope into our lives than knowing and always remembering that we have a way out of every tangled mess and that He delights to untangle us?!!

The breastplate covers our heart and lungs - the place where cells draw in life-giving air and carry it to our life-giving blood.  The functions of the these organs in our chest give us LIFE, they sustain us. we could not exist without them.  That's why I find it interesting that they are protected by faith and love, the two most powerful forces in the universe!

Henry Drummond put it beautifully when he said, "On the last analysis, then, love is life. Love never faileth and life never faileth so long as there is love."  

Finally, the other words I read that added to this imagery were these, "Rejoice evermore. Pray without ceasing. In everything give thanks." (1 Thes. 5:16-18)  

If we could remember these three things today and everyday: Mind, Heart, and Mouth - it will help us "lay hold" and seize the day - to become who we are striving to become. It will preserve us in the heat of battle, always remembering the Savior and His great atoning sacrifice, being motivated and driven by faith and love, constantly praying, constantly communicating with God and striving in all our relationships to speak with more gratitude and offer more thanks when we open our mouth.

I know as we do this we will discover the secret to a very rich, and very abundant life!

We are children of the day!  Aw man, I'm so grateful for all the SUNSHINE that adds a measure of grace to my world!
Keep dancin'
-Alicia

"I Am In Your Midst" - Ponderize - Week 48

Like the rushing of a furious wind, rapid changes have been happening all around these past couple of months and I feel as if I'm being swept in a current beyond my control.  When I try to stop, it seems the wrenching force increases and I surrender again, facing the fact that I am bound to a destination I cannot see.

Fall Semester starts for me today.  I contemplated dropping my class because of all the dramatic changes we are going through at this time but I couldn't do it.  I feel very strongly that I need to take at least one class every fall and winter and that by the grace of God I'll make it through no matter the difficulty of my schedule or circumstances.

Here I am again at the crossroads... A distinct and noticeable ache presses on my heart.  All of my belongings are packed and I'm heading out into an unknown future.  In just a few short weeks I'll be living in a new home and a new ward.  Leaving the watchcare of our current bishop is undeniably difficult.  I'm forever grateful for his faith, his prayers, his testimony, his priesthood blessings, his leadership, and for the activities and events he has inspired in this area.  What a vision has taken place!  Our experiences here have been absolutely magical.  They've created a sublime level of unity I've never realized possible in a ward family.  Words cannot adequately express my gratitude for our bishop. One can't leave a place like this without a void being made, a recognizable hole.  The scar tissue will serve as a reminder of how much I miss what was once there.

Something is happening within this  newly-formed Freedom Stake, something miraculous.  There are many who feel it.  We are witnessing Zion being built, a very real and literal Zion.  It may be hard to believe but if one could experience a fraction of what I've tried to describe, they would know without a doubt for themselves that the hand of God is on this people.  As this heavenly gathering takes place, there will also be great dissensions.  I pray our roots will be strong and deep in fertile soil.

These changes taking place are Divinely appointed, of that I'm sure.  We cannot see the future, we are not meant to see it... for our faith must be strengthened, our faith must be fortified, and our faith must be exercised if we are to have it become unshaken. Time will move swiftly and it is essential that our priorities stay in order: Faith and family first.

I am confident that once we move into our new home, we will receive the permanent placements of foster children.  Excitement and fear both prod my mind as I contemplate this prospect.
Excitement: To care for these children who desperately need a family, these refugees who need someone to love them unconditionally and to know that they belong somewhere.
And Fear: For all the dynamics involved in becoming the mother of someone else's children seemingly overnight, to be committed to loving them and caring for them as if they are my own. While at the same time, I must remain ever mindful of my own children and monitor carefully the anxieties and stresses they will inevitably be under living with new siblings complete with habits and mannerisms absolutely foreign to them.

I searched through my scriptures this morning, seeking to find one that I could ponder for the week -from the Psalms of David, to the Acts of the Apostles, to verses in the Book of Mormon, and so on.
I finally settled with this one in Doctrine and Covenants:

"Behold, verily, verily, I say unto you that mine eyes are upon you. I am in your midst and ye cannot see me;  But the day soon cometh that ye shall see me, and know that I am; for the veil of darkness shall soon be rent, and he that is not purified shall not abide the day. Wherefore, gird up your loins and be prepared. Behold, the kingdom is yours, and the enemy shall not overcome." 

- D&C 38:7-9

I don't know what the future holds, but I know Who holds the future.  He is in our midst and I trust this.

-Alicia

Beyond the Veil

My dad was named after his father.  Dad was the oldest of 10 children.  His mother died of breast cancer when he was still a kid, long before I was ever born. But I always felt like I knew his mother because my dad always talked about her.  He loved her so much!

His mother was a convert to the church.  She was a petite little brunette, 5ft 2 and never weighed more than 100 pounds. Even though she was very small, she had a giant soul.  She served in the army, that's where she and my grandpa met.  He instantly fell in love with her small figure and feisty southern personality.  One day he saw her passing by the army barracks and whistled at her.  She turned around with a wink in her eye and flirted, "Well, if you can't howl, don't even bother to whistle!" My grandpa was instantly smitten.  He loved to tell that story.

When my dad was one year old, he was sealed to his parents in the Temple. He actually has some memory of that special day as crazy as that might seem for a one-yr-old to remember, but he does.  Anyway, I loved the stories my dad would tell me about his mom.  It was my way of "getting to know her."  

One day, the day before Memorial Day, when my daughter was two years old, I was doing my hair getting ready for church.  I could hear Miriam's cute little voice chattering to herself as she playfully took toothbrushes and pretended they were people.  I stopped for a moment to peak around the corner to observe her playing.  I stood there for a while just soaking in how adorable she was and how much I loved her.  Then I went back to getting ready for church and tuned into KSL radio to a listen to a Church broadcast in honor of the Memorial Day weekend.  

I started to think about Memorial Day and remembered how dad always used to take us to his mother's grave every single year as a family.  I thought of how long it had been since I had returned.  I must have stopped going after I got married.  "I should go visit her grave tomorrow", the thought popped into my head... but then I started to rationalize
"I'm too busy tomorrow."
"It's just a grave site, her spirit's not there anyway."
"Besides, why would she care if I visit, she doesn't even know me."
Then I heard a voice speak to my mind and heart, "Oh, I know you!  I know you more than you know your little girl in the other room.  I know you very, very well."  It was then that I caught a vision of a mother's love that extends through generations.  I looked again at Miriam who was playing and thought, "That's right.  It wouldn't matter if it was her child or her children's children.  She's my girl... I'm fully invested in her and all her posterity forever and ever and nothing would or could change that... not even death."  

The radio continued to play in the background and then I heard the man giving the sermon quote from Malachi and the verse about the Spirit of Elijah, "He shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers."  And I was reminded of my patriarchal blessing where it said, "Their hearts are already turned to you, Alicia.  And when yours is sufficiently turned to them, you will have this glorious experience and be a Savior on Mt. Zion."  Tears began streaming down my face and I felt the presence of my grandmother so strong as if she were there wrapping her arms around me.  

I went to her grave the next day and knelt down as I placed the flowers.  I said a prayer and asked for forgiveness for not realizing before how very aware she was of me and for not turning my heart to her sooner.  Since then, I have slowly picked away at family search and discovered that out of all my family lines, her's seemed to have the most work waiting to be done.  Most of the names I have taken to the Temple have been through her tree.  It has been a wonderful experience.

I believe in angels.  I believe heaven is closer than we realize.

Joseph F. Smith Taught,
“I believe we move and have our being in the presence of heavenly messengers and of heavenly beings. We are not separate from them. … We are closely related to our kindred, to our ancestors … who have preceded us into the spirit world. We can not forget them; we do not cease to love them; we always hold them in our hearts, in memory, and thus we are associated and united to them by ties that we can not break. … If this is the case with us in our finite condition, surrounded by our mortal weaknesses, … how much more certain it is … to believe that those who have been faithful, who have gone beyond … can see us better than we can see them; that they know us better than we know them. … We live in their presence, they see us, they are solicitous for our welfare, they love us now more than ever. For now they see the dangers that beset us; … their love for us and their desire for our well being must be greater than that which we feel for ourselves."

John Taylor also testified,

"God lives, and his eyes are over us, and his angels are round and about us, and they are more interested in us than we are in ourselves, ten thousand times, but we do not know it"  

I pray we will have eyes to see beyond the veil of this life, I know it will happen when we turn our hearts to those who have gone before us, who love us so deeply.  As we do all we can to make the blessings of the Temple available to them, we will feel their presence more closely in our lives and have their protection.

-Alicia

Of Mountains and Molehills - Throwback Thursday

It happened about four summers ago.  I was worn and tired from the whining and complaining I had been hearing all day long from my children.  I made an attempt to turn things around and tried to prepare a nice family dinner that would hopefully put them in a better mood. I did some searching online and made a special trip to the store, going through great lengths to make it the most kid-delicious, kid-friendly, kid-approved meal they had ever had.  Surely this would put a smile on their faces.

Proud of myself, I spread the table and called everyone in.
Three of my children rejoiced at the sight of my culinary creation but Micah stared angrily at his plate and mumbled, "I hate this food!"
"You haven't even tried it!" I sternly responded.
"I don't care.  I hate it!"
"Serious?!" I questioned, after all my efforts. My patience was completely gone and I shouted, "Well, you have to eat at least one bite!"
Stubbornly, Micah refused.
"One bite, Micah, ONE!!" I demanded until he finally complied.
Dramatically, he gagged a fork-full into his mouth, his face still frozen in an angry glare, obviously already decided that it was disgusting and no amount of force would sway him otherwise.  I waited for him to swallow but instead he spit it back on to his plate, spraying smaller pieces across the table.

That was the last straw and I wasn't about to let him win this battle.  The whole family looked on watching to see what I would do.  I raised my fist, pounded it on the table as hard as I could, and yelled, "This is SO STUPID!  It's absolutely ridiculous, Micah!  I can't believe you are making THIS BIG of a deal out of ONE STUUUPID BITE!"
Everyone was stunned and the room was silent, except for Micah who began to cry uncontrollably.
I could see the disapproval on my husband's face which made me even more mad because I wanted someone to justify my immature behavior (you know give me back-up).  Besides, it wasn't like he hadn't ever lost his cool before, I grumbled in rationalization.
I was so angry but also terribly embarrassed.  I knew I behaved poorly.  I grabbed my car keys and left the house in an effort to let off steam.

I drove to a nearby trail-head and began hiking at full force to get every angry feeling out of me, never pausing, never stopping, just stomping my way up the mountain to the painted Y.

I huffed along determining that I would never again lose my temper like that.  The scenario played back in my mind and the look on everyone's faces haunted me.  I scolded myself, "You were the one being stubborn, Alicia....  You were the one making such a big deal out of something so insignificant.... And you want to know what was stupid?? Your behavior was stupid!..."

I arrived at the top of the Y and found a place to sit.  I folded my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs.  Taking a large deep breath and then exhaling slowly, I surveyed the beautiful panorama of Provo,  I sat there for quite sometime on that mountain relieved to be away but disappointed in myself for the behavior that led me there.  I searched for the roof of my apartment in the tiny scale of buildings below.  Pinpointing it, I squinted and marveled how small everything looked.  It caused me to recall a quote I had stashed away years ago by Confucius, "Men do not stumble over mountains, but over molehills." I thought to myself, "Boy, did I ever stumble!"  How foolish I had been to make such a big deal out of something so small.   Tears rolled down my face as I prayed for forgiveness.  I pleaded for the kind of patience and humility that would prevent me from ever doing anything like that again.

A calmness covered me, the stillness refreshed my soul, and I felt grateful for such a loving Father in Heaven.  The next step was to make things right and do some serious apologizing.  The sun began to set beyond the horizon and the city lights glittered brighter.  I began my descent back home continuing to ponder on the changes I needed to make as a mother and anxious to tell Micah how terribly sorry I was.

When I walked through the door of the apartment, I discovered that he was already asleep.  Quietly, I stepped into his room and knelt down by his bed.  I could tell by the shutter in his breathing that he had cried himself to sleep.  Such a realization pierced my heart with sorrow.  I whispered another prayer, asking for Micah's forgiveness.

A new day came and Micah woke up as his bubbly-happy-self.  It was as if nothing ever happened.  He greeted me with a hug and a kiss and grabbed his breakfast.  "Hey, bud..."  I said, as he shoveled cereal into his mouth.  "I'm really sorry for the way I behaved last night.  I was the one who was making a big deal out of something so small.  I was the one who was behaving stupid.  I'm really, really sorry.  I will never lose my temper like that again.  Will you forgive me?"
"It's okay," he said reassuringly as he continued to hum with each spoonful.
I was completely inspired by his ability to so easily let go of what I had done. I felt thankful for a brand-new day...
a new day to put my words into practice,
a new day to get up and try again,
a new day to exercise my faith and call upon the Lord for strength,
a new day to put one foot in front of the other and focus on what really matters.

In my journey, this is the mountain worth climbing.
-Alicia

Yodel-aye-heee!

I had heard about him from my co-workers.  Everyone was trying to set us up but he was shy and his friend, Mike, ended up being the one basically asking me out for him.

"Do you like yodeling?"

Uh, that was about the strangest question I had ever been asked.  "Sure, I guess so..." I answered, wondering what Mike was up to.

"Are you doing anything Friday night?" he continued.

"No."

"She's available." Mike smiled and punched Joseph in the arm playfully, "There ya go man, now ask her!"

Joseph timidly announced, "Uh... yeah... um... I have tickets to the Swiss Yodeling Concert at Abravanel Hall on June 18th if you want to go."

I said it sounded great and that I'd be happy to.  I was proud of him for finally asking me out, the guy who everyone in the warehouse was trying to set me up with. He had been home from a mission for almost three years, never had a girlfriend, and never kissed anyone.  (No wonder the whole dating scene was nerve-racking for him.)  But I move quickly and well... let's just say, he learned how to kiss (quite well I might add) and we were married exactly 16 weeks later.

 Ladee-oda-ladee-oda-loo  
Woo!

Happy first-date anniversary to my Joseph!

XOXO

Scrolling On Through - Throwback Thursday

The other day I was scrolling through my old blog to see what I had written in years past.  Just for fun, I decided to search for what I may have posted on exactly this day several years ago.  I couldn't find anything for this same day anywhere...  but a short post in June seven years ago caught my eye.  I think it stood out to me because it was only a couple of sentences long and I had highly recommended that all married couples listen to it.   The title read, "When All Else Fails, Love Never Gives Up." I remembered loving that talk.  When I heard it, it was the same year Joseph and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary, This was great advice from a woman who had been married 60 years.

I tried clicking on the link to but it no longer worked.  Hmmm.  I searched the speaker's name directly on BYU's Speeches but still nothing came up.  This made me even more determined to find out just where I could listen to the talk again.  After a little more searching, I found it.  (Sister Johnson's is the third one from the top of this page.) I was super excited because this site not only has Sister Johnson's talk, it has a whole entire archive of Education Week talks.  I think I just struck gold!  

I'm glad I had these things recorded in my old blog.  The only regret I have with the posts from there is that I wish I would've written more of what was going on in my life.  There's so much in that blog where I only gave references to talks or quotes but I didn't really take time to put down more personal thoughts, impressions, and stories of the day.

-Alicia

"Dear Younger Me" - Way-back Wednesday

Father's Day is around the corner and I feel as if I haven't really painted my dad in the best light when I've written about him. (I have mentioned that he's not the same person I knew as a child. And that's probably the most credit I've really given him.)  When I lived with my parents, dad was an emotional mess... and it showed in his violent abusive temper. As a kid, I was terrified of him.  He was a ticking time-bomb and you never knew when he was going to blow!  I remember changing the words to the primary song, "When Daddy Comes Home" to sing, "I'm so mad when daddy comes home, mad as I can be.... Put my hands around his neck and squeeze it tight like this.  Smack his cheeks and give him what?  A great big kick." I can't remember if I sang it out-loud like that but it was definitely in my head.

Dad began to seek help from the bishop when I was in highschool.  It didn't start off well and I remember being so embarrassed when I heard from my mom that in dad's initial interview, he left the bishop's office rather livid, swearing and slamming the door on his ecclesiastical leader. 

I never saw my dad cry until the year he attempted suicide three times.  Late one night when everyone had gone to bed, I lay there sleeping when I was awakened by a strange sound.  I listened closely.  I could hear someone weeping from the family room down the hall.  I climbed out of bed, silently peeked around the corner, and saw my dad kneeling in his bathrobe, praying out-loud and crying uncontrollably with deep and heavy sobs.  It surprised me and something within my heart changed at that moment.  The anger and resentment I felt for him was replaced by compassion and empathy.  I knew I had to forgive him because he so desperately wanted to change.  He hated himself for all he had done.

As I began to study the scriptures and become more involved in seminary, forgiving him became much easier.  At that time in my life, I also learned some things about my dad's childhood that helped me understand his explosive behavior.  And just recently, I've gained more perspective from reading "The Body Keeps the Score".  I guess I never realized that he was a serious trauma victim!

My dad was the oldest of ten children.  (It was a "your's-mine-and-our's" situation.)  Even though he had nine younger siblings, his parents called him "Little Lee" to differentiate between him and his father (who he was named after).  My dad had a lot of energy as a kid.  (I don't know what normal boy doesn't.) But back then, his parents didn't understand it was normal and struggled desperately for ways to deal with it.  They took him to a family therapist who poorly advised them,  "Whenever 'little Lee' gets out of hand,  tie him in a straight jacket away from the others in the basement until he 'calms' down."  

That's how they dealt with it.  Can you imagine??!

This was only the beginning of his trauma.

When he was nine, his mother passed away from breast cancer and two years later he lost his younger sister to Leukemia.  His step-mother was young (almost 17 years younger than his father).  She was terribly jealous of my dad's mom and would never let anyone grieve her loss.  

As a teenager, my dad remembered one morning laying in bed and being awakened by a sharp stinging pain in his shoulder.  He opened his eyes to see his step-mother standing over him glaring angrily.  Dazed and confused, he tried to sooth the pain by rubbing his arm.  He was bleeding and still in shock from such a rude awakening when he glanced down at the side of his bed and saw the shattered framed picture of his real mom on the floor.  He looked back up to hear his step-mother rebuking him threateningly, "I don't ever want to see this picture hanging in your room again!!"  (This is just one example of the abuse he faced but there were other moments like it.)

Despite all his trauma growing up, he served a church mission and when it was completed, he pursued a degree in elementary education and psychology.  He says that living away from home in a dorm was the most free he had ever felt in his life. (I don't blame him.) 

At the University, he made a lot of friends and was in a singing group.  I always loved the fact that my dad liked to sing.  He made a great baritone.  I think music was healing for him.  He loved to play the piano and the guitar.  His favorite artists were Anne Murray, Cat Stevens, and Simon & Garfunkel.  (I played all my dad's records and learned to love that genre.  It was healing for me too.)  We were in a choir together when I graduated from highschool. I'll never forget singing Handel's Messiah with him and the Oratorio Society of Utah at SLC's Tabernacle.  

See, life wasn't all bad... I have other good memories of my father too:  Dad loved camping and every summer we would visit a National Park as a family.  He took tons of pictures everywhere we went. (I appreciate that so much more now than I did then.) He liked word games such as Boggle or Scrabble and strategy games like Chess (at least those are the ones I remember playing with him).  Dad had a very dry sense of humor (he had a pun for everything) and any time he sneezed he tried to make it sound as goofy as possible.  I got really good at giving courtesy laughs. Dad loved books, especially children's books... he had tons on hand because he was a school teacher. He loved C.S. Lewis and from him I learned about The Chronicles of Narnia. 

These were all very good things in my life.

It has been an interesting journey over the past 20 or so years for me to come to a place of understanding about my dad, to see that his outbursts weren't my fault (and in some ways they weren't even his fault).  He had never been taught how to deal with his emotions in a healthy way.  Even still, he admitted to his wrongs, he experienced a mighty change of heart, and repented, fully repented.  I'm proud of him for it.  He has hope in and through the Savior and His wonderful, atoning sacrifice.  Today, we enjoy sharing our faith and testimony with each other over the phone or in person. I love my dad!!

I heard this song "Dear Younger Me" the other day on the radio and thought of the scared child I was growing up and how often I'd blame myself for my "punishments".  I thought of how many times I wished I hadn't been born into the family I was given.  But today... the older me would say to the younger me, "Alicia, this is the perfect family for you.  It is in this home you will learn to have compassion, you will learn to forgive, you will learn to love those who do not love themselves, you will witness great miracles, you will witness hearts change, and you will come to know the Savior in a very deep and personal way."

Compared to my dad's childhood, my life was quite easy.  I can see where he did try to give something better than what he had.  I wonder too (with all that my dad went through and with the redemption he witnessed) if he would write this same letter to himself?

-Alicia

  

"Dear Younger Me" 
by, Mercy Me

Dear younger me
Where do I start
If I could tell you everything that I have learned so far
Then you could be
One step ahead
Of all the painful memories still running thru my head
I wonder how much different things would be
Dear younger me, dear younger me

Dear younger me
I cannot decide
Do I give some speech about how to get the most out of your life
Or do I go deep
And try to change
The choices that you’ll make cuz they’re choices that made me
Even though I love this crazy life
Sometimes I wish it was a smoother ride
Dear younger me, dear younger me

If I knew then what I know now
Condemnation would’ve had no power
My joy my pain would’ve never been my worth
If I knew then what I know now
Would’ve not been hard to figure out
What I would’ve changed if I had heard

Dear younger me
It’s not your fault
You were never meant to carry this beyond the cross
Dear younger me

You are holy
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand new heart
You are free indeed

Every mountain every valley
Thru each heartache you will see
Every moment brings you closer
To who you were meant to be
Dear younger me, dear younger me

You are holy
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand new heart
You are free indeed

Throwback Thursday "A Queen for the Day"

Gazing up into the boughs above me, unveiled to my view a beautiful spiral pine stairway 

beckoning me to ascend it as high as I could.

It was almost as if God had crafted that tower just for me, 

a little place where I ruled my own world and was a queen for the day.

I found my niche at the very top where everything was in my sight; 

a panorama of my home, my life, my surroundings, everything familiar within my scope... 

Close enough to observe yet sufficiently distant to reflect. 

From my wooden throne, I was invisible but I could see for miles and miles.

Absorbed in the sounds of my solitude, quietly I'd listen to the wind as it spoke to the trees; 

their conversation like peaceful waves crashing repeatedly on an ocean shore.

I felt safe there in my castle tower, high above the earth.

Somehow, I felt a little closer to heaven.

I loved that place: my tree, my sanctuary, my home away from home.

Moving Day - June 1990- Leaving behind the old tree I climbed as a child.

05-05-05 Throwback Thursday

My son, Micah, turned 11 today!  He was most excited to make his own cake all by himself.  

Isn't it beautiful!  It's very apocalyptic.  

(If you can't tell, that's an A-bomb with bloody soldiers and debris scattered everywhere.) 

 I searched..... and there are no survivors.

It's amazing how fast 11 years go by.  Oh, how I love this boy!

Micah had his best friend, Lex, spend the day with him.

"When you reach for the stars

Don’t forget who you are

And please don’t turn around and grow up way too fast

See the sand in my grasp

From the first to the last

Every grain becomes a memory of the past

Oh, life’s an hourglass"

- Mindy Gledhill

Chandler and Miriam meet Micah for the first time.

Not so long ago...  Freedom Festival 2006

Cutest guilty face ever!

This is probably my ultimate favorite picture of Micah.  

At age two, he always called trains "ho ho's". 

 I love his little hand on his hip as he points to the sound of the train behind him.

My face is red in this photo from trying not to laugh. 

 It's been so long, I don't remember what he said in his prayer, but it was so dang cute.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MICAH!
I love you to the moon and back.

XOXO

"I Gotta Skate" - Throw-back Thursday

I'll never forget the look on my dad's face when he went flying into the air and landed hard on his back in our linoleum kitchen. 

He glared straight at me as he yelled, "What is all over this floor??!!"

Feeling the grease in his hands and lifting his fingers to his nose, he growled, "IS THIS BUTTER?! WHO THE HELL PUT BUTTER ALL OVER THIS FLOOR?!"

I knew the situation was bad.  

Dad always swore when he was mad. I was terribly disappointed he ruined my fun but I was way too scared to say anything.  There was no use hiding though, he knew it was me.  Timidly, I answered, "Um... well... I was making a skating rink."  

"A whaaat?!!" he looked at me with a ridiculous expression.

"A skating rink," I said a little louder. 

I thought in my mind, "And if you did it right, you wouldn't have biffed it like that." (Of course I never could have said it out loud.)

Honestly though, it was the coolest, most fun, idea my little 7yr.-old brain had ever come up with. I must have spread at least three full sticks of butter, maybe more, to get my skating rink nice and slippery.  I had a blast while it lasted.

Me, age 7.

Fast forward to when I would have children of my own.... 

I used my old childhood idea to give them something fun to do in the cold winter months.  Only with my kids, I didn't use butter.... I got smart and used soap.  We'd make the floor as slippery as we could, just thick with lather, and then drench the floor.  It was a total win/win because they had the time of their life with "indoor skating" and when they were done, I had a sparkling clean floor.  

Who says old dreams have to die?  When they're good, they find their way back around somehow. ;)
-Alicia

Highlights of April

Winter Semester is over and I'm happy to announce that to date I've completed a total of five classes at BYU.  I now have one A and four A-'s.  Woo hoo!!!  I've had a lot more to keep me busy besides finals though and I haven't had much time to put all my thoughts and experiences down.  I've been anxious to connect.  So, now that I have a moment, I'll record a few highlights from the month:

Kaylee-
If there is one day my children anticipate almost as much as Christmas, it's April 1st.  The night before the big "Fool's Day", Kaylee excitedly sat down next to me, cupped her hands around my ear, and began to whisper all the tricks she had planned.  (Now, I'm extremely ticklish and her breathy funneled whisper made me shudder.)  She giggled amusingly with each attempt and soon it all became a game of tickling mommy.
When that got old, she resumed telling me in a regular tone of voice about her plans.  Enthusiastically, she revealed that she wanted me to draw a scary monster and put it on the inside of the toilet seat lid so when someone had to use the bathroom, they'd get a "surprise."
I did my best to keep a straight face - her idea was just too cute. "Oh, that's a great idea honey!"
I paused and then suggested, "But, I think the monster would be better if it was one that you drew."
Thoughtfully she responded, "I guess I could draw a stick-figure monster."
"You bet! It will be awesome!"
 She walked away proudly but kept the rest of her sneaky plans to herself.  (I wish I would have taken a picture of the monster she drew.)
The next day, after Joseph went to work, she began to carry out her other "secret tricks".  She dutifully spent quite a while taping full sheets of paper in rows stretching across the hallway.  I asked her what it was and she explained, "It's a giant spider's web.  When dad gets back, he's going to walk around the corner and get stuck inside it."
"Cool!" I said.
Then she grabbed a grocery bag and stuffed it with one of our couch pillows.
"Will you help me tape this to the ceiling?"
"Sure, what is this supposed to be?"
"Oh, you'll find out."
5:00 rolled around and Joseph arrived home from work.  Kaylee took him by the hand, "Come here daddy."
Carefully she positioned him underneath the bag with the pillow. She examined the ceiling and looked back at daddy, "You need to sort-of kneel down a little bit.... yeah, right there."  Joseph played along and tried to act oblivious.
When he was right where she wanted him to be, she swung a big stick at the bag above, knocking the pillow down squarely onto his head.  He pretended to fall flat on his face and Kaylee reveled in her defeat, "Ha, ha! Fooled you!"

Micah -
Both of my sons are never eager for a haircut... That's why I was surprised when Micah came to me requesting one.  "Look mom!" He said, pointing to the images on the computer.  "I googled 'boy's hair cuts' and this is what it showed.... super short on the sides and flipped up in the front."
"Would you like me to cut your hair like that?"
"Yeah, this is called 'THE haircut' because it's what ALL the boys have."
"The haircut?" I asked.
"Yeah, 'THE haircut', that's the name of it because when I googled boy's haircuts, that's what it showed."
"Hmm, I've never heard of that before."
"Can you do it like this?"
"Sure, I'll give it a shot" I said.
I don't think I was able to make it look just like the pictures he was showing me but he didn't seem to notice.  He was thrilled!  "This is the best haircut I've ever had!"
I think my favorite part was hearing him singing in the shower as he cleaned up.

Miriam - 
We celebrated Miriam's 13th birthday this past week and she wanted to take her friends Grace and Lila kayaking at Utah Lake for her party.  It was pretty windy when we went which made it a little more adventurous with the waves.  Miriam fearlessly and speedily led us out to the middle of the lake.  By the time we made it back to the shore, we had blisters on our hands from rowing. No one seemed to mind though.  We all had a blast!!

Chandler -
We had a really great testimony meeting in church this month.  My jaw dropped when I saw Chandler get up to share.  He's gotten up when he's been assigned to but I don't recall him ever getting up to bear his testimony on his own initiative.  He spoke so maturely and encouraged everyone to follow the counsel of the prophets.  He bore testimony that President Thomas S. Monson has been called of God and that this is the true church centered on Jesus Christ.  I was so proud of him, when he was finished, I felt like jumping from my seat and shouting "AMEN!"  Of course, I reigned in my enthusiasm and just smiled about as big as a mother can smile.

Joseph-
Speaking of beautiful testimonies... my husband gave a wonderful one as well.  He spoke of redemption and hope through Christ.  I bawled the whole time he spoke because I know where he's been.  I know how dark it was for him.  It's miraculous to witness the Lord working in His life.  What a blessing!

-Alicia :)

A Priceless Treasure

It's that same feeling, like running into an old friend you haven't seen in ages: I found my set of scriptures from 20 years ago. It was great to reminisce, to read the things I had noted in the margins and wrote between pages on post-it tabs.  The value of these reminders have not been lost over time rather the words have become sweeter to the taste.  My appreciation and testimony of these truths recorded from previous years have become more real to me in the present day.  I have witnessed for myself the validity of practicing such principles.  Mastering them is something I am far from...but we keep trying, right? I will most likely be working on these 'till the end of my days.

Here's a copy of some things written within the pages of my "old friend."

• Pray Specifically!
• Be quick to praise and slow to criticize.
• Sacrifice will build the faith.
• Lengthen your stride, enlarge your vision.
• When in distress S.O.S. - Service - Obedience - Sacrifice
• Education is an investment, not an expense.
• Live your testimony. People are watching you.  Recognize the power within you.
• Be clothed with the Armour.  Go to the temple! Be worthy always!
• Be a brilliant stainless mirror that reflects back to God.
• Eliminate selfishness, cooperate with each other , sacrifice, and give your best, consecrate your time and efforts.  We are a church of sacrifice.
• If we haven't dulled our senses by excess, we can enjoy the simple things of life.
• After you learn... Glorify God, not yourself!
• Treasure up: possess it, own it, make it yours by living it.
• Live truth - be a good example of integrity.  Do not hold truth slave to expedience.
• Honor God - No one can surpass the life of Jesus Christ.
• We set our own thermostats as to temptation.
• Endure, press on, be firm and steadfast.
• Do what you can do.
• You are the generation that must be prepared to meet your God.  where are you standing in the battle?
• Anyone who has an appropriate relationship with their Father in Heaven should not have to worry about their self esteem.  (1 Cor. 12) (Prov 20:27) (Psalms 18:28)
• Be of good cheer even when there is nothing to be of good cheer about.
• You can handle what lies ahead.  Remember the weaver, "The dark threads are as needful as the light."
• To come unto Christ, we become very conscious of our weaknesses - if we are submissive, they can become our strengths.
• Don't give up in the transition of changing.  Rely on the Atonement. 
• Job did not charge God foolishly.  Suffering is part of the sweat that comes from working out our own salvation.
• Have faith in the Lord's timing.
• Sometimes our blessings come as bracings. "Thy will be done."
• Never go a day without thinking about the Atonement.
• It will be alright!
• If opening our hearts is the way to understanding and to see Christ is to understand Him more fully..... Then you must open your heart to Him and His teachings to see Him.
• Go Nameless!
• Complete Selflessness!
• How deep do you bury your weapons?
• Whatsoever is good, cometh from God.
• Don't let things you can't control - control you.
• If you want the tongue of angels, then feast upon the words of Christ.
• Cheer up.  You are free to choose.

"You and I have to learn to be righteous in the dark."- Brigham Young

"We must influence more than we are influenced." - James E. Faust

"True Christian soldiers are more than weekend warriors." - Neal A. Maxwell

"Not shrinking is more important than surviving." - Neal A. Maxwell

"We cannot have adequate faith in a Christ whom we do not adequately know." - Neal A. Maxwell

"My life is my message - Man radiates what he is, not what he pretends to be." - Sister Maxwell

"We have every reason to be optimistic in this world. Tragedy is around, yes. Problems everywhere, yes.  But look at Nauvoo.  Look at what they built here in seven years and then left.  But what did they do?  Did they lie down and die? No! They went to work!  They moved halfway across this continent and turned the soil of a desert and made it blossom as the rose... You can't , you don't build out of pessimism or cynicism. You look with optimism, work with faith and things happen."

 “By faith in God you can be attuned to the Infinite and by power and wisdom obtained from your Heavenly Father harness the powers of the universe to serve you in your hour of need in the solution of problems too great for your human strength or intelligence”  - Harold B. Lee

-Alicia

Even Superman

I must have been about 6 or 7 years old when I had this dream: I had it a few times and so I've never forgotten it: I was walking up the hill towards my school and was several blocks away when out of the blue, Superman swooped me into his arms. We were flying just above the trees and I was stunned with disbelief at who was carrying me. I asked him, "Where are we going?" And he answered as if it should have been obvious, "Why to school, of course!" Then he flew a little lower to the trees and plucked me a banana.  I thanked him for the gift and said, "I just love bananas." He smiled dashingly and responded, "I know."

At that age, I was crazy in love with Christopher Reeve and my brother had a Superman poster of him in his room that I constantly gawked at. I’m sure it was just the result of me watching one too many Superman movies while eating peanut butter-banana sandwiches before bedtime. Either way, this is most certainly where my obsession began.

1996

 In 1996, about 11 years after my dream of flying to school with my favorite hero, I started signing my name with a star, symbolically meant to fit the Superman symbol at the center.

Through all these years, I've never stopped signing my name with that special star because I believed in a power within me, a power that reaches beyond anything in this world.

This morning I studied in Personal Progress under Individual Worth.  The value goal encouraged us to study our patriarchal blessings along with a few conference talks on the subject of our divine mission.  Whatever the Lord calls us to do in life, I believe He qualifies us for.  I believe that through His strength, all things are possible, even the seemingly insurmountable.

Audrey Hepburn once said, "There is no such thing as impossible, the word itself says, 'I'm possible'"  I believe this is true not because of our own making but because we are sons and daughters of God, the most powerful being in the universe!  It's humbling, when you really think about it (and that's not a bad thing, it's good to be humble.)  We are less than dust without Him and we should recognize this everyday and always... but I don't think He wants us to forget our true identity.  We are not of this world, we are "spiritual beings having a human experience."  I guess you could say that's what the  "S" in my signature has come to mean "Spirit daughter of God." Or "Strength in the Savior."

Yesterday, I was depressed because I have this dream of changing the world (even if it's just one person at a time) and well...  I felt like in my sincere effort, all the doors were being slammed in my face.

The Relief Society Lesson from Howard W. Hunter on Adversity was encouraging for me.  "Doors close regularly in our lives, and some of those closings cause genuine pain and heartache. But I do believe that where one such door closes, another opens (and perhaps more than one), with hope and blessings in other areas of our lives that we might not have discovered otherwise." I reflected on this quote again and again.  Soon these words from one of my favorite Ryan Shupe songs began to play over in my mind as if it was on repeat:

"Give me eyes to see 

to perceive, to believe, to imagine the possibility 

the possibilities"

I prayed, "What is there to discover?  What is there to learn?  What other doors will open because of the ones that have been shut?  If I've hit a wall it just means there's another way through it."  The Lord doesn't send us on missions to fail. The Lord has shown me glimpses of what He expects of me and I've been giving it my very best shot.  Heaven knows I have. But sometimes I question my very best efforts especially when I keep getting shut out.  Why do I keep trying?

As I studied about patriarchal blessings this morning and my particular mission, the words from the song danced around in my head again:

"Give me eyes to see 

to perceive, to believe, to imagine the possibility 

the possibilities"

I finally went to my Spotify to play it in full. In doing so, it drew me into more Ryan Shupe songs and I couldn't help but reminisce on another favorite of mine.  It just seemed appropriate with all that I've been feeling.

I know who I am. I am a daughter of God with incredible worth and power because of His grace and the capital "S" that is part of my very being.  However hard I try, I can't do it on my own.  I get discouraged sometimes from the hurt and pain the effort causes and need to remind myself that it's for my good.   Rejection, weaknesses, difficulties, misunderstandings, and sorrow all help to keep me humble and on my knees before the One who makes all things possible for me.  I just need to remember this.

"Even giants fall

And every dog eventually has its day

And Achilles has a heel

And even bones of steel can break

And even Superman, even Superman

Even Superman, even Superman, yeah

'Cause even Superman has kryptonite

And though he tries with all his might

Even Superman falls to his knees

Beggin', "Please, please, please, please"

"And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.

 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.

And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

With my Savior... I'll make it through whatever changes may come. 

-Alicia