This Past Week

Sunday, my parents and my niece, Alexa, came down for a big Easter feast. I invited my brother and sister to come too but they always have an excuse for why they can't make it. My mom says the big issue is that they're uncomfortable being around so many children in my home. It's just too much and they can't handle the stress. Oh well,I'll keep trying to pull my family together. I know my other brother would come if he didn't live so far away.

After dinner we did our two favorite Easter traditions: golden eggs strung on a tree that you open one at a time to tell the story of Christ's Atonement and empty tomb sweet rolls. Then we played outdoor games as a family: foursquare, light-up Frisbee, and Velcro ball.

My kids were thrilled when Alexa told them she was spending the night at our place.  It's been more than half a year since she's stayed a few days. She's busy with work and college now. Her boyfriend, Conner, is preparing for a mission. I know two years will be a terribly difficult separation for them because they love each other deeply. They plan to get married when he returns. He certainly has my approval, what a wonderful son-in-law he'll make. :)




Miriam celebrated her 14th birthday a few days ago.  Alexa gave her some of her old shirts as a gift and Miriam was so proud to be grown up enough to fit in them. Miriam wanted to go skating with her friends for her birthday. She brought a Isabel from school, Elise from our ward, Emma from the 11th ward, Olivia from the 1st ward, and she invited Grace from the 3rd ward but--Grace had a broken foot.  (I love to see Miriam with her friends because they are all such good girls. She's pretty close with each of them and they're all excited to be at girls camp together this summer.)

I went on a lovely afternoon date with Joseph on Tuesday and it was Kaylee's turn for an afternoon date with him on Wednesday.
 The kids all love their dates with dad. We rotate every Wednesday right after music lessons. These little dates are so simple but they mean so much: a walk down the parkway, eating lunch at his desk, or watching a few of their Youtube videos together. It's only a half-hour of Joseph's time. All the kids need is to be with him and they're happy.

I finished my final essay for my class at BYU this week and I take my final test on Tuesday.  So far, I'm one of three students at 100% or above in my grades. I really love school and am so glad I enrolled this semester despite all the craziness in my life.

There's so many things I want to capture through writing but things have been insanely busy. I'll have to come back to this post and add some photos of these and other events through the week.  I don't have time to add them right now because I'm leaving soon to chaperone a field trip for my foster son and I need to get my other children's homeschool set in motion beforehand.

Seize the day!
-Alicia

"All that [I] need" - Ponderize - Week 62

I like taking my kids to class with me at BYU. They always fight over who's turn it is since I only allow for one of them at a time.  All of them love it!  Well, almost all of them.... Chandler is the only one who doesn't really care to attend with me but he still loves to use the campus for his studies.  It works out great for him because he's only enrolled at the high school for his extracurricular classes. All his core classes are online so he can do those anywhere there is a computer.  His favorite thing is to use my student ID and password for the computers on campus to do his schoolwork.

This week is the last of my semester.  My foster son wanted to join me in my class tonight. He sat pretty quietly as he read the books he brought.  I was proud of his behavior.  

After the hour was finished, I walked my foster son over to the vending machines to let him pick a treat.  I think that's what he was looking forward to the most. He's envied the other kids when they've return from one of my classes with treats in hand.  He picked a soda and a pack of gum for his reward, skipping along with delight.

He wanted me to give him a tour of the whole campus. I walked him through a couple of buildings and drove him past a few more but said I'd have to save the rest for another time.  He seemed to really enjoy the opportunities this evening, asking when he'd be able to join me for class again. I told him I'd start up a couple more classes in January.  He was happy about that.

I've really enjoyed this semester.  So far, I'm getting the highest percentage grade out of everyone in my class (something I was not expecting at all).  I'm really excited about my final presentation for Saturday night. We're all giving our own short little Ted Talks; Mine will be about foster parenting.  I shared a portion of it in peer review today and got some great feedback. I'm so grateful I have this opportunity to go to school.  It is my dream come true!!  

I'm feeling really blessed in my life.  I think a good scripture for this week is 2 Corinthians 9:8,

"God is able to bless you abundantly, 

so that in all things at all times, 

having all that you need, 

you will abound in every good work." 

(NIV version)

-Alicia :)

The Quest for Grace

The Quest for Saving Grace in a World Obsessed with Saving Face

by, Alicia Rawlins

Suicide and Possible Causes

The topic of suicide strikes a chord all too familiar with me. In the past 25 years, I have had a number of very close family members (namely; my dad, my brother, my sister, and my husband) crash so low that they've lost any desire to live and have been in complete despair; they have either attempted or seriously contemplated taking their own life. It's a problem that can't be overlooked or swept under the rug. We need to confront it and face it head on. Utah ties third in the nation for the state with the most reported serious mental illnesses (SAMHSA). It also ranks among the top 20 states with the highest suicide rates (Suicide:20), and as of this summer, we rose even higher in the charts when our suicide rate spiked among the youth (Hatch). This leaves us desperately begging to know what could be the cause of so much hopelessness and loss of self-worth.

No one really knows why Utah ranks as one of the highest in suicide. There are many theories trying to explain the reasons for so much depression: some speculate that altitude, understaffed medical counselors, not enough treatment centers, and greater access to guns are the problems (Hatch and Kim). Some articles, (Knoll) argue that the spike in suicides among young Utahans has everything to do with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saint’s policy change regarding gays and lesbians who choose to marry or have sexual relationships with the same gender (First Presidency). Though all of these things are surely contributing factors, there’s more research to be done before we can identify all the possible causes. Though it seems there could be a correlation between the suicides and the Church’s new policy; it doesn't take into account those who have never experienced same-gender attraction, who also feel suicidal. Neither, does it take into account all of the efforts the Church has made to reach out and express love to its gay members (Mormon and Gay). Is there a more underlying issue to Utah’s suicide problem--one that strikes closer to the root--which, if fully recognized, would help people of all faiths be more aware and enabled to assist in prevention? I argue that this suicide epidemic is not so much a matter of religious law or policy, but a matter of how we, as individuals, choose to value and internalize our worth, how we are dependent on how others regard us, how we connect--socially and as families. We tend to unfairly compare ourselves to people around us and fear how we fit into the big picture; we misunderstand God’s love, His accessibility, and His grace.

I love living in Utah and find it to be a wonderful place to settle down, to raise my family.  There are so many friendly, happy people, and they seem to enjoy it here too.  Even according to NBC News, Utah is one of the happiest states in America (Dubois). So, why the high number of suicides? An interesting report published in 2011 by the University of Warwick, observed recent research that some of happiest places in the world have the highest suicide rates. University of Warwick researcher Professor Andrew Oswald said, "Human beings rely on relative comparisons between each other... Discontented people in a happy place may feel particularly harshly treated by life. Those dark contrasts may in turn increase the risk of suicide” (Happiest Places). Time Magazine also published an article that showed more research supporting this claim entitled, “Why the Happiest States Have the Highest Suicide Rates,” revealing that our tendency to make comparisons with our neighbors may play a role (Szalavitz).

Being Aware of Triggers

One of the major downfalls of human nature is our tendency to associate our worth with how well we measure up to everyone around us.  Today's digitally social world only compounds the problem when we advertise and compare all our "good" on the street corners of Facebook and Instagram, secretly hoping no one ever sees "the bad" and "the ugly" tucked away in the creaky old cart behind us. A recent social and clinical psychology report stated that “If people portray themselves as happier than they actually are, then perceptions of the happiness and well-being of one’s Facebook friends are likely to be distorted.”  The study goes on to point out that the spontaneous social nature of Facebook and other social media increases the level of daily comparisons which “increase[s] [the] daily depressive symptoms” (Steers). We wear out our days doing everything we can to have the picture-perfect life, comparing and competing, to save face, to one-up our peers, to avoid being looked on as weak or broken. In doing this, we place unrealistic expectations on ourselves, on our children, and on others. We become obsessed with hiding our flaws and putting on a mask. We drag these same fearful behaviors into almost every large social sphere, our circle of friends, our schools, and sadly, even our churches.

Cause and effect fully considered: If people spend their days comparing the lows of their life to the highs of everyone else’s, they will always come up short. They will never feel beautiful enough, popular enough, rich enough, smart enough, or righteous enough.  

This pattern of comparative thinking is not based on a healthy fear of God; rather, it is based on the fear of not being socially accepted and can lead to a lifestyle of perfectionism, which in turn can lead to serious depression. In fact, under the word “perfectionism” in Mosby’s Medical Dictionary it states that “failure to attain the [perfectionistic] goals may lead to feelings of defeat and other adverse psychological consequences” (Mosby’s).

A goal to be perfect is a good thing in religious context; after all, it is a Biblical command given by Christ to “be perfect”. But some interpret this to mean, if they don’t obey and perform every commandment with complete precision and exactness, they become unworthy of God’s love and help. The Atonement of the Savior and His unfailing grace become skewed, lost in a long list of rules, commandments, and laws. What does Christ mean then when He instructs us to be perfect even as He is?   The Hebrew word translated as “perfect” is tamim and means, among other things, “whole, sound, healthful” and “having integrity”(Francis).  The Septuagint—the Greek translation of the Old Testament—uses the word teleios (the same word used in Matthew 5:48) to mean perfect in the sense of “complete” and “entire” (Lust).  I love that definition of perfect: “to complete or make whole”. It is only logical that something must first be incomplete in order for it to then be made complete. We are all broken but with God as our Great Physician, He makes us “whole, sound, and healthful”/ perfect.

We have the responsibility to recognize if we are prone to approaching our standards with an unhealthy perfectionist mentality and or projecting that same mentality on others, especially in our religions. Terryl L. Givens, a practicing Mormon and a professor of literature and religion at the University of Richmond,  addresses controversial issues in his own faith fairly and without bias in his book, People of Paradox. He tells of the special challenges that are posed to those prone toward perfectionism--how it can trigger a negative outcome in a religion that is highly monitored through returning and reporting and a belief that they can one day be like God (Givens pp. 308-309). If people can admit they are perfectionist prone, they’re more likely to catch themselves before the mixture of their religion becomes problematic. It’s an emotional coping technique Dan Siegel--doctor of child and adult psychiatry--calls “name it to tame it”.  This is something to be aware of in all faiths. The key component is to make sure we don’t forget to emphasize our infinite worth God and the role grace plays in all our reporting and self evaluations.

Perfectionism, Shame, and Disconnect

To further explain the concern we should have with perfectionism, I’ll now illustrate how it leads to shame, which can lead to disconnection, and other adverse effects. Brené Brown-- a well-known public speaker and best-selling author who holds a Doctorate of Philosophy from the University of Houston--has done extensive research in human behavior and describes it this way:

Perfectionism is not the key to success. In fact, research shows that perfectionism hampers achievement. Perfectionism is correlated with depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis or missed opportunities. The fear of failing, making mistakes, not meeting people’s expectations, and being criticized keeps us outside of the arena where healthy competition and striving unfolds...Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is a defensive move. It’s the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame (Brown pp. 128-129).

Perfectionism is not about striving for excellence; it’s not about “healthy achievement and growth”. Perfectionism is all about saving face to avoid shame. She explains that shame is “the fear of disconnection”. We especially feel shame in the areas of life where our choices affect our deepest, most valued, connections. Brown says, “We are psychologically, emotionally, cognitively, and spiritually hardwired for connection, love, and belonging.” She explains that “shame is the fear of disconnection--it’s the fear that something we’ve done or failed to do, an ideal that we’ve not lived up to, or a goal that we’ve not accomplished makes us unworthy of connection.”

It is interesting to note that in Dr. Brown’s research, she discovered twelve categories where shame surfaces the strongest in people. Of those twelve shame categories, eight are heavily mentioned in sermons and lessons of the Mormon faith and other Christian churches: motherhood/fatherhood, family, parenting, religion, addiction, appearance/body-image, mental and physical health, and sex (Brown pp.68-69). When we falsely believe we must be flawless in these areas in order to be worthy of God’s love or another’s love, then we set ourselves up for shame,  then fear, then isolation, then disconnection, and possibly thoughts of suicide.

Feelings of disconnection and isolation are extremely important to note because they instill such painful emotions. An association of mental health professionals from more than 30 countries recently published an article showing that in places where there is a higher level of good strong community connection, there is also a higher risk of suicide--especially for those who feel disconnected and especially among the youth (King).  In our churches and communities, we must be thoughtful of our neighbors, family, or friends who have begun to isolate themselves; seek loving ways to reach out to them and promote connectedness. We can certainly do this without compromising our own beliefs. It may be as simple as striking up a friendly conversation, offering a meal, or inviting them to a barbeque. Maybe all they need is a reminder that they are worthy of connection, worthy of interaction, worthy of community, regardless of their standing in any particular faith or religion.

Perfectionist Parenting

Speaking of feeling worthy, I want to take a moment to reflect on how parental rejection can cause a child to form a twisted view of God’s paternal opinion of them. As I mentioned in the beginning of my article, my dad, my brother, and my sister have all either attempted or seriously contemplated suicide. I came to this realization after years of being away from home and having a family of my own. I could now see how my dad’s shame for his imperfections caused him to be disgusted with the failures or flaws in his own children, and his projected insecurities caused my siblings to assume that God must be equally disappointed and angry with them for their choices. I remember one evening about 11 years ago, when my father was admitted to a mental hospital to be put on suicide watch, my sister, who is a self-proclaimed atheist, suggested we say a prayer for my dad. I agreed that it was a wonderful idea. Within seconds of her suggestion though, she quickly declined to say the prayer and nudged me, “You better be the one to pray. God wants nothing to do with me. He’s much more likely to listen to you.” My heart broke for her, and I realized then that, in her mind, God was no different than her earthly father.

A perfectionist is extremely hard on himself/herself and especially hard on others. Parents who are perfectionists can do generations of harm. An article published in Psychology Today affirms that “parents who are obsessively concerned with mistakes raise children who are, too. And there's an interpersonal affect, transmitted by an authority figure in a child's life who is overly critical and demanding” (Marano). There is nothing wrong with  parents’ desire to push their children to excel, to get straight A’s, to strive for a more virtuous and successful life. These desires only become harmful when the parent’s motivating factor is perfectionism (to avoid blame, judgment, and shame). The message of worth fluctuates in the child’s mind, and all they hear from the parent is, “You are only worthy of my love when you can make me look good.”

Michael Phelps, the most decorated Olympian of all time, had a strained relationship with his perfectionist father. This relationship explained much of Michael's drive to become flawless in his sport. After reaching an all-time high in his successful career as an athlete, Phelps began to celebrate his achievements with riotous parties and heavy drinking. He was arrested more than once for driving under the influence, and when a photo surfaced of the intoxicated Olympian and when news spread of his arrests, Michael plunged into an all-time low, crashed rock bottom and contemplated suicide. In desperation Phelps reached out to his friend, retired NFL star, Ray Lewis, who gave him a Christian book entitled, The Purpose Driven Life. Michael said the book gave him hope and he began to believe in God, to understand his life had meaning, and that he was valued even though he had made some serious mistakes. In this healing process, he was even strengthened to forgive his father (Dance).

The Quest to Reconnect

Instead of fearing that our flaws will cause us to be disconnected, Brené Brown suggests that they can actually be the very thing that connects us, evoking empathy and compassion (Brown). Think of the hopelessness that could be avoided if our worth was not associated with our perfectness. How could we help prevent suicide if we spent a little more time focusing on the Atonement and God’s unconditional love, reminding each other in small and simple ways that we all belong? In the New Testament, the apostle Paul recognized that his flaws helped him have a greater connection to the Savior. He said,

Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh...Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me (2 Corinthians 12:9-9 NIV).

Made perfect in weakness? That hardly sounds like perfectionism. Perhaps God never intended for us to be without our failures and our flaws? Again, I emphasize that perfectionism is not the same as striving to be perfect through Christ. President of Brigham Young University, Kevin J. Worthen, gave an address where he said that in our striving, failure is “a critical component”. Perhaps, through understanding what “be perfect” really means, suicide and depression wouldn’t be so much of a problem, especially in such a religious region?

There are so many reasons why people consider or attempt suicide; I’m not saying that unhealthy comparing/competition and false association of individual worth are the only reasons, but hopefully, through this paper, they can be considered more. Maybe our loved ones who suffer with depression, who feel they don’t belong, who feel they will never measure up, could be infused with hope once again if we sought for ways to connect with them. Maybe we could seek to show them that their worthiness to be loved is not revoked because they aren’t perfect or because they sometimes fail. Maybe if we all worried a little less about what others think of us, worried a little less about saving face, we might be able to preserve a few lives by directing our attention to saving Grace.

Works Cited

Brown, Brené. "The Power of Vulnerability." TEDxHouston, Jun. 2010, www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability. Accessed 15 Nov. 2016.  

Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly. Gotham Books, 2012, pp. 68-69, 128-129.

Brown, Francis, S. R. Driver, and Charles A. Briggs, A Hebrew and English Lexicon of the Old Testament, Oxford: Clarendon Press, 1952.

Dance, Mark. "3 Antidotes to Pastoral Perfectionism." LifeWay Pastors, 17 Aug. 2016. www.lifeway.com/pastors/2016/08/17/3-antidotes-to-pastoral-perfectionism. Accessed 01 Nov. 2016.

Dubois, Lou. "New Study Reveals America's Most and Least Happy States." NBC News, 29 Sept. 2014, www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/new-study-reveals-americas-most-least-happy-states-n213836. Accessed 15 Nov. 2016.

"First Presidency Clarifies Church Handbook Changes." The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, 13 Nov. 2015, www.lds.org/pages/church-handbook-changes?lang=eng. Accessed 02 Nov. 2016.

Givens, Terryl. People of Paradox. New York: Oxford University Press, 2007, pp. 308-309.

"Happiest Places Have Highest Suicide Rates Says New Research.” Warwick University, 21 Apr. 2011, www.sciencenewsline.com/news/2011042210360000.html. Accessed 03 Nov. 2016.

Hatch, Heidi. "Utah Youth Suicide Now Leading Cause of Death for Utah Kids Ages 11-17." KUTV News, 05 Jul. 2016, http://kutv.com/news/local/utah-youth-suicide-now-leading-cause-of-death-for-utah-kids-ages-11-17. Accessed 02 Nov. 2016.

King, Will. "Close Community Connections May Be Risk Factor for Suicide." Good Therapy Blog. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 20 Sept. 2016, www.goodtherapy.org/blog/close-community-connections-may-be-risk-factor-for-suicide-0921161. Accessed 15 Nov. 2016.      

Knoll, Benjamin. “Is the Recent Rise in Utah Youth Suicides Reallly Such a Mystery?.” The Huffington Post, 05 Jul. 2016, www.huffingtonpost.com/benjamin-knoll/is-the-recent-rise-in-uta_b_10798286.html. 12 Nov. 2016.

Lust, J., E. Eynikel, and K. Hauspie, A Greek-English Lexicon of the Septuagint, 2 vols. Stuttgart: Deutsche Bibelgesellschaft, 1996.

Marano, Hara Estroff. "Pitfalls of Perfectionism." Psychology Today, 01 Mar. 2008 www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200803/pitfalls-perfectionism. Accessed 15 Nov. 2016.

"Mormon and Gay - An Official Church Website." The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, https://mormonandgay.lds.org. Accessed 02 Nov. 2016.

Mosby's Medical Dictionary. Elsevier, 2009.

SAMHSA, Center for Behavioral Health Statistics and Quality. "State Estimates of Adult Mental Illness from the 2011 and 2012 National Surveys on Drug Use and Health." The NSDUH Report, 28 Feb. 2014, www.samhsa.gov/data/sites/default/files/sr170-mental-illness-state-estimates-2014/sr170-mental-illness-state-estimates-2014/sr170-mental-illness-state-estimates-2014.html. Accessed 2 Nov. 2016.

Steers, Mai-ly N., Robert E. Wickham, and Linda K. Acitelli. "Seeing Everyone Else's Highlight Reels:How Facebook Usage Is Linked to Depressive Symptoms." Guilford Press Periodicals. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 15 Oct. 2014, http://guilfordjournals.com/doi/abs/10.1521/jscp.2014.33.8.701. Accessed 12 Nov. 2016.

"Suicide: 20 states with highest rates." CBSNews, www.cbsnews.com/pictures/suicide-20-states-with-highest-rates. Accessed 03 Nov. 2016.

Szalavitz, Maia. “Why the Happiest States Have the Highest Suicide Rates.” Time.com. Time Magazine, 25 Apr. 2011. http://healthland.time.com/2011/04/25/why-the-happiest-states-have-the-highest-suicide-rates/. Accessed 16 Nov. 2016.          

Walton, Alice G. "New Study Links Facebook to Depression: But Now We Actually Understand Why." Forbes. www.forbes.com/sites/alicegwalton/2015/04/08/new-study-links-facebook-to-depression-but-now-we-actually-understand-why. Accessed 12 Nov. 2016.

Worthen, Kevin J. “Successfully Failing: Pursuing Our Quest for Perfection. BYU Speeches, 06 Jan. 2015, https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/kevin-j-worthen_successfully-failing-pursuing-quest-perfection/. Accessed 04 Nov. 2016.

Opinion Editorial - What's On The Label?

Well, I have some good news... My professor loved my opinion editorial! I was not expecting the response that she gave me at all.  I'm just glad I made it over this hurtle...

What’s On the Label?

Several years ago, my second child went through a “creative” stage where she would   rustle through the pantry tearing off labels from cans and replacing them with “her own labels” constructed from crayon-scribbled typing paper. I thought her entertainment was adorably amusing until I found myself in a situation where I actually needed what was in those cans: after opening four various types of beans, I finally found the stewed tomatoes. We use food and manufacture labels every day, and we’ve come to rely very heavily on them, because we anticipate these labels will give us accurate information about the contents and quality of the items we are presented with. We use labels with people, too; some reveal the true content and quality of another person, which can foster charitable actions, connectivity, and good feelings, while other labels can falsely twist our view of people--breeding hurt, anger, bitterness, unnecessary pain, and divisiveness.  In order for the atmosphere of belonging and community to thrive at BYU, it is vital that we seek out and choose labels with integrity rather than distortion, labels that connect instead of labels that divide.  

I never heard the term “Utah Mormon” so much until just over eight years ago when I moved from West Jordan to Provo for my husband and me to attend school. I’ve discovered one of the most common questions living in an international university community is, “Where are you from?” When I respond proudly with, “I grew up in Utah, born and raised,” there is often an uncomfortable silence--though it may be brief--and I can almost hear the unspoken reaction, “Oh, you’re one of those.”

For the longest time, I struggled to understand what “one of those” meant as the term “Utah Mormon” showed up in more conversations, stamping all who were raised here like they had some kind of quarantined disease. It has forced me to ask, “Why, among people of my own faith, does this label cause a person to instantly lose credibility?” I discovered this is a very negative reference created to describe people who have been terribly sheltered, have no sense of diversity, who live in a bubble, and are perfectionists stuck in a rut of weird culture that they self-righteously impose on everyone around them. They insist on perpetuating traditions merely to appease the expectations of their parents, and their parent’s parents--all the way back to their  first pioneers who initially settled here, for surely their family must be Mormons for generations and have no clue what it’s like to be or live anywhere else. (Never mind the fact that my mom is a convert from Wisconsin and my dad’s mom is a convert from North Carolina.)

Even though categorizing those who are born and raised here under these sweeping generalizations proves to be narrow-minded and prejudice, I really don’t believe that the majority of those who use the “Utah Mormon” label do it with malicious intent. Maybe they honestly feel it truthfully fits? Possibly, they’ve witnessed a sad experience where Mormons from Utah purposefully withheld their kindness or neighborliness to another when they didn’t measure up to their valued life-standards: like the young man who returned home early from a mission (or who didn’t serve one at all), the single mother who has been married and divorced three times, the gay couple next-door, the family across the street who likes Obama, Hillary, and all things Democrat, or the guy who smells like cigarettes and has tattoos up and down his arm.

Though I’m sure self-righteousness of this nature exists, I theorize that it’s not fair to label such rejection problems as a Utah thing; I believe it’s a human thing and that in any given community where there is a popular majority or practice of culture, there will be people who ostracize or needlessly fear the ones who are different or who go against the grain. And before I cast a stone at those people, conscience reminds me that, as a mom, I too struggle when my teenagers “go against the grain”: Unconditional love is so much easier in theory than in practice.

Nevertheless, it’s a theory we must practice, and we must never quit! We must try over and over again, day after day, to love and look for the good in everyone, no matter how different they are from us, no matter where they’re from, what they believe or don’t believe, what they’ve done or haven’t done; This is “the good fight” Paul talks about in 1st Timothy¹. We shouldn’t war among each other.

            As members of the Church and as students at BYU, one of our most important battles is to push back the conversations that breed contention, discord, and divisiveness.  We do this by fighting with all our might to “implore the better angels of our nature”² and preserve the love Jesus Christ exemplified; His love endures forever and never throws in the towel on anyone. Just as there came a time when I needed what was in those cans from my pantry, I believe there comes a time in every life that we realize we need each other with all our various “ingredients”. The Book of Genesis teaches, “It is not good for man [or woman] to be alone.”³ We are all “children of the day”⁴, children of our Father in Heaven, brothers and sisters; we are one big massive family! I believe this means each of us are divinely wired with a desire to belong, to fit in, to feel loved and accepted.

I recall the 1980’s T.V. theme song from Cheers: “Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name and they’re always glad you came.”⁵ This is true no matter where we live; we all need community and connection. Thankfully, all belong with God.  Joseph Smith taught this hopeful message, “…While one portion of the human race is judging and condemning the other without mercy, the Great Parent of the universe looks upon the whole of the human family with a fatherly care and paternal regard; He views them as His offspring, and without any of those contracted feelings that influence the children of men…”⁶

Unfortunately, living among the influence of this world, we feed and grow these “contracted feelings” especially when we move away from the core truths of who we really are inside: We are a family, first and foremost--eternal brothers and sisters! Most of us have a sibling or two who have chosen a different path than that of our parents or ourselves, but we still find a way to include them in family dinners, birthdays, special occasions, conversations, visits, and phone calls. This is what family is! There is no reason for any members to feel as if they don’t have a home, and we must do everything we can to let them know they are loved, without adopting their way of life or expecting them to adopt ours.

All of my siblings have chosen a different path than I chose. They all left the church around twenty years ago: they all drink, they all smoke, they all have tattoos, one lived an alternative lifestyle with her girlfriend, and two of my three siblings don’t believe in God anymore. Have I rejected them? Heck, no!!! (And yes, I use the good old “Utah Mormon” word “heck” proudly!) I would give everything I own to keep my brothers and sisters in my life! I need them. They are my friends.

I certainly needed my older brother’s knowhow and mechanic expertise when the starter in my car blew out. I’ll never forget how he stayed up late in my driveway tirelessly helping me after he already had a grueling long day at work. In turn, he needed me when he injured his leg doing construction and was stuck in bed for a couple weeks; I brought him his favorite meal, Poppy-seed Chicken Casserole, and a plate of heart-shaped sugar cookies.

I need my sister’s example of gentleness and love to the weak and elderly. She’s been employed as a recreational therapist in a care center for the past two-and-a-half decades. I’ll never forget the first time I witnessed her so intently impart her love to one of the patients. He was paralyzed from the neck down, his hands clenched in tight fists, his body twisted; drool and crusted-food surrounded his mouth, and the smell of urine made him unpleasant to stand next to. Yet, I was in awe as I watched my sister chat with him like a dear friend. When their visit was over, she cradled his head in her hand and kissed him gently on the forehead. He bubbled over with joy because she treated him with so much dignity. My sister needed me when she became terribly depressed after escaping another abusive relationship. I was a shoulder for her to cry on, and I was there to remind her that her life was worth living, that she was valuable beyond measure, and that she was loved.

I needed my younger brother to call me for an hour on my birthday just to remind me that I am dearly loved and that he thinks of me often. And he needed me to call him after he found out his wife was pregnant with her second child and he was dealing with all the doubt, fear, pressure, and anxiety that comes to a father who works 50 to 60 hours a week because he wants so desperately to provide comfortable living for his children.

With my siblings, I strive to remember that we need each other because we are family. I have high standards, yes, and I never intend to compromise my faith that the Church is true and the principles taught in the scriptures and by apostles are also true. I never intend to change my lifestyle or spiritual commitments to the Gospel. Keeping this in mind, one of the sweetest truths I’ve come to know in this church is the worth of the soul. Worth is not the same as worthiness. (There is danger when we confuse these two.) Our worth never changes or fluctuates based off of what we say or do or don’t say or do. My husband and I created a mission statement with several affirmations that we repeat weekly in our home with our children. One of those affirmations states, “We choose to look for the good in others and in ourselves ALWAYS remembering ‘the worth of souls is great in the sight of God.’⁷” The Book of Mormon teaches that we “shall not forbid any man from coming unto you when ye shall meet together, but suffer them that they may come unto you and forbid them not; But ye shall pray for them, and shall not cast them out.”⁸

If there’s anything that should be cast out or that shouldn’t “fit in”, it’s the hurtful labels, the beam in our own eye. Stop the nitpicking and judging on both sides of the spectrum. No one likes to be labeled a failure or lose credibility due to a prejudice or bias. I honestly and deeply believe we find what we look for.... and what we discover reflects more on who we are than who the other person is. President Hinckley wisely taught, “When we look for the worst in anyone, we will find it. But if we will concentrate on the best, that element will grow until it sparkles.”⁹ All of us have something good to offer if we will just learn to appreciate it and cultivate it. We need what is deep inside each other, the light we ALL were born with.

Works Cited

⁽¹⁾ The Apostle Paul - 1 Timothy 6:12 ⁽²⁾ Abraham Lincoln – His First Inaugural Address ⁽³⁾ The Lord God - Genesis 2:18 ⁽⁴⁾ The Apostle Paul - 1 Thessalonians 5:5 ⁽⁵⁾ Theme song from 1980’s television sitcom Cheers - written by Gary Portnoy and Judy Hart Angelo ⁽⁶⁾ Joseph Smith - Times and Seasons, Apr. 15, 1842, p. 759 ⁽⁷⁾ Revelation to Joseph Smith - D&C 18:10 ⁽⁸⁾ Jesus – 3 Nephi 18:22 ⁽⁹⁾ President Gordon B. Hinkley – Loyalty -April 2003 General Conference Talk 

God Can Even Use Me

These are some highlights I've selected from a fantastic BYU devotional by, Dean M. Davies, I discovered about a week ago.  I love this!!

"...You might say, “I’m no one special... I’m not a celebrity. I’m nobody. I’m average in every way. I’m not particularly smart, eloquent, coordinated, well dressed, or even well behaved. How could God use me?”

Don’t you know that since the beginning of time our Heavenly Father has reached out to those who were average and used them for His purposes?

Gideon was a farmer, but God saw him as the man who would deliver Israel from bondage.

When Samuel stood before the people to present to them their new young King Saul, the Bible tells us that Saul was so terrified that he “hid himself among the stuff.”(1 Samuel 10:22)

Even though Esther was an orphan and a captive in a strange land, she saved her people from execution. Even today the Jews celebrate the Feast of Purim to commemorate her courage.

When it came time for our Savior to restore His Church to the earth, whom did He choose? There were many refined, educated, well-dressed, well-spoken people on the earth at that time. But our Savior chose a rough, humble boy—a farmer, a youth with very little formal schooling.

Why does the Lord choose the weak things of the world for His purposes? Why does God choose the “base things of the world, and things which are despised”? Paul answered his own question: “That no flesh should glory in his presence.”(1 Cor. 1:28–29)

Why do you suppose God told Gideon to keep sending his troops home until he only had three hundred men to face more than one hundred thousand of the enemy?

Why do you think our Savior chose a fisherman to be His chief apostle who would lead the Church after He was gone?

Why do you suppose God chose an ­untutored farm boy to translate the Book of Mormon?

First, because God doesn’t look on our ­countenance or the height of our stature...

...Second, because God is able to take the most humble clay and create of it a masterpiece.

...Third, God chooses the average and the weak so that no man can boast and say, “I have done this out of my own ability.” He uses ordinary “earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.”

...Our Heavenly Father doesn’t need you to be mighty, intelligent, well dressed, well-spoken, or well inherited. He needs you to incline your hearts to Him and seek to honor Him by serving Him and reaching out in compassion to those around you."

More Mindful

So far this semester, I've really enjoyed my class, Writing and Rhetoric.  Each chapter I've studied, essay I've written, and lecture I've listened too has shown me how much more mindful, thoughtful, and informed I need to be with the opinions I hold and the words I say.

I like to think that I'm open-minded to people who believe different than me but now and then I catch a very unflattering glimpse of myself unwilling to explore the position or reasoning of an opposing view. I'm terribly uncomfortable with debate and I suppose part of that stems from my lack of several tools: vocabulary, wit, and knowledge... just to name a few.

Still though, I want to learn. I desperately want to learn! I need things to push me out of my comfort zone and I need to get over my fear of rejection or acceptance.  I have talents and gifts unique to me that I know can be a strength and benefit to others.  I know that if I just had more skill and know-how with some of these gifts, I could go so much further and do so much more good than I have in my life.

I feel grateful for the opportunity to go to school, especially BYU.  I'm glad I've decided to stick with enrollment this semester because it's working out, even with my upside-down life right now.  Being on campus (not in online courses but real face-to-face classes) is so thrilling. I recognize every time the incredible blessing it is to further my education. Stepping into the classrooms and being a part of the academic and spiritual atmosphere is absolutely energizing!  I know this is right where I want to be in my life.  I'm so glad I'm here... even if I have a long, long road ahead of me.

-Alicia

A Tribute to My Mother-in-Law

This week my mother-in-law celebrated her 73rd birthday.  I felt it fair to say something about her since I've written a little about my father-in-law in a previous post.  Shirley is an incredible woman who never seeks attention and is always content to serve quietly behind the scenes.

When I first met my husband's parents,  I recognized Shirley as the classy-dressed brunette, always graceful, Spanish / English teacher from my middle school.  What a small world!  Who could have known that the same woman I had passed in those 7th - 9th grade halls would one day be the grandmother of my children?

When she was a teenager living in California, she was introduced to the church and was soon baptized. She served a full-time LDS mission to Uruguay where she became fluent in Spanish. After her mission, she moved to Provo to go to BYU where she met her husband.  Just under the span of nine years, she bore eight children. (Four years after her eighth, she had her ninth.)  I think the longest standing calling in the church she has ever had was Gospel Doctrine Instructor because she did such a fantastic job teaching.

My mother-in-law is a gifted author.  She has written numerous articles for the church magazines and has published a few of her own books.  I've been especially grateful for her talents in this area these past ten months when I've been in school.  Any paper I've had to write, she's been more than happy to edit for me.

She has been a wonderful support to my father-in-law and has remained steadfastly loyal to him through thick and thin, day-in and day-out.  Through every hardship she has been right there at his side.  She loves greatly, lives faithfully, serves quietly, and prays constantly.  I admire her stamina.

I don't know many people who have absolutely no complaints about their in-laws; This is why I feel so fortunate to have married well enough that I have nothing but gratitude and deep respect for each of mine, especially my mother-in-law.

-Alicia

"I pray that you will understand the words of Jesus, 'Love one another as I have loved you.' Ask yourself 'How Has he loved me? Do I really love others in the same way?' Unless this love is among us, we can kill ourselves with work and it will only be work, not love. Work without love is slavery.

 Little things are indeed little, but to be faithful in little things is a great thing.

A sacrifice to be real must cost, must hurt, must empty ourselves. The fruit of silence is prayer, the fruit of prayer is faith, the fruit of faith is love, the fruit of love is service, the fruit of service is peace."

 - Mother Teresa

The Gift of Listening

Once, I heard it said that when others listen to us it stirs creativity in our minds and hearts and inspires us to soar to greater heights.  I know I heard this somewhere and I should have written it down because I've searched and searched for the exact quote but can't find it now.  But in the process of searching, I found some other quotes that follow along the same line.

How grateful I am for those who listen!  I don't think they realize how much it motivates me just knowing that my voice is heard. It gives my words a destination, a place to rest, to belong to, and be held... instead of floating aimlessly in space.

These three quotes express this sentiment more clearly than I could on my own:

"What we call poetry does not simply set the heart free spontaneously, emerging when one is overwhelmed.  A simple recitation of a song when one is deeply moved does not make one cheerful, and does not bring sufficient satisfaction to that person.  Therefore, one finds consolation by making others listen to his song.  When others listen and they are moved, then one's heart brightens up considerably.... When we enquire about the origins of poetry, we see that it is crucial for poetry to have someone listen to and be moved by it.  The original nature of poetry is to provide words with patterns and to make them last long with the voice... There is no better way for someone to cheer up than by knowing that others have listened to his poem and have been moved by it.  If the listener is not moved, one's heart will hardly be set free." -  Norinaga Motoori

“When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand. Ideas actually begin to grow within us and come to life...It makes people happy and free when they are listened to." ― Brenda Uelande

"Writers are listeners as well as observers – not just to their own souls and the heartbeat of the world, but to the souls of others as well.  Listen to the world, and it will listen back." - Susan Hodgetts

To those who read this: with all my heart, thank you for listening!!
Today, I will strive to be a better listener to everyone around me than I was yesterday.
-Alicia