The Quest for Grace

The Quest for Saving Grace in a World Obsessed with Saving Face

by, Alicia Rawlins

Suicide and Possible Causes

The topic of suicide strikes a chord all too familiar with me. In the past 25 years, I have had a number of very close family members (namely; my dad, my brother, my sister, and my husband) crash so low that they've lost any desire to live and have been in complete despair; they have either attempted or seriously contemplated taking their own life. It's a problem that can't be overlooked or swept under the rug. We need to confront it and face it head on. Utah ties third in the nation for the state with the most reported serious mental illnesses (SAMHSA). It also ranks among the top 20 states with the highest suicide rates (Suicide:20), and as of this summer, we rose even higher in the charts when our suicide rate spiked among the youth (Hatch). This leaves us desperately begging to know what could be the cause of so much hopelessness and loss of self-worth.

No one really knows why Utah ranks as one of the highest in suicide. There are many theories trying to explain the reasons for so much depression: some speculate that altitude, understaffed medical counselors, not enough treatment centers, and greater access to guns are the problems (Hatch and Kim). Some articles, (Knoll) argue that the spike in suicides among young Utahans has everything to do with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saint’s policy change regarding gays and lesbians who choose to marry or have sexual relationships with the same gender (First Presidency). Though all of these things are surely contributing factors, there’s more research to be done before we can identify all the possible causes. Though it seems there could be a correlation between the suicides and the Church’s new policy; it doesn't take into account those who have never experienced same-gender attraction, who also feel suicidal. Neither, does it take into account all of the efforts the Church has made to reach out and express love to its gay members (Mormon and Gay). Is there a more underlying issue to Utah’s suicide problem--one that strikes closer to the root--which, if fully recognized, would help people of all faiths be more aware and enabled to assist in prevention? I argue that this suicide epidemic is not so much a matter of religious law or policy, but a matter of how we, as individuals, choose to value and internalize our worth, how we are dependent on how others regard us, how we connect--socially and as families. We tend to unfairly compare ourselves to people around us and fear how we fit into the big picture; we misunderstand God’s love, His accessibility, and His grace.

I love living in Utah and find it to be a wonderful place to settle down, to raise my family.  There are so many friendly, happy people, and they seem to enjoy it here too.  Even according to NBC News, Utah is one of the happiest states in America (Dubois). So, why the high number of suicides? An interesting report published in 2011 by the University of Warwick, observed recent research that some of happiest places in the world have the highest suicide rates. University of Warwick researcher Professor Andrew Oswald said, "Human beings rely on relative comparisons between each other... Discontented people in a happy place may feel particularly harshly treated by life. Those dark contrasts may in turn increase the risk of suicide” (Happiest Places). Time Magazine also published an article that showed more research supporting this claim entitled, “Why the Happiest States Have the Highest Suicide Rates,” revealing that our tendency to make comparisons with our neighbors may play a role (Szalavitz).

Being Aware of Triggers

One of the major downfalls of human nature is our tendency to associate our worth with how well we measure up to everyone around us.  Today's digitally social world only compounds the problem when we advertise and compare all our "good" on the street corners of Facebook and Instagram, secretly hoping no one ever sees "the bad" and "the ugly" tucked away in the creaky old cart behind us. A recent social and clinical psychology report stated that “If people portray themselves as happier than they actually are, then perceptions of the happiness and well-being of one’s Facebook friends are likely to be distorted.”  The study goes on to point out that the spontaneous social nature of Facebook and other social media increases the level of daily comparisons which “increase[s] [the] daily depressive symptoms” (Steers). We wear out our days doing everything we can to have the picture-perfect life, comparing and competing, to save face, to one-up our peers, to avoid being looked on as weak or broken. In doing this, we place unrealistic expectations on ourselves, on our children, and on others. We become obsessed with hiding our flaws and putting on a mask. We drag these same fearful behaviors into almost every large social sphere, our circle of friends, our schools, and sadly, even our churches.

Cause and effect fully considered: If people spend their days comparing the lows of their life to the highs of everyone else’s, they will always come up short. They will never feel beautiful enough, popular enough, rich enough, smart enough, or righteous enough.  

This pattern of comparative thinking is not based on a healthy fear of God; rather, it is based on the fear of not being socially accepted and can lead to a lifestyle of perfectionism, which in turn can lead to serious depression. In fact, under the word “perfectionism” in Mosby’s Medical Dictionary it states that “failure to attain the [perfectionistic] goals may lead to feelings of defeat and other adverse psychological consequences” (Mosby’s).

A goal to be perfect is a good thing in religious context; after all, it is a Biblical command given by Christ to “be perfect”. But some interpret this to mean, if they don’t obey and perform every commandment with complete precision and exactness, they become unworthy of God’s love and help. The Atonement of the Savior and His unfailing grace become skewed, lost in a long list of rules, commandments, and laws. What does Christ mean then when He instructs us to be perfect even as He is?   The Hebrew word translated as “perfect” is tamim and means, among other things, “whole, sound, healthful” and “having integrity”(Francis).  The Septuagint—the Greek translation of the Old Testament—uses the word teleios (the same word used in Matthew 5:48) to mean perfect in the sense of “complete” and “entire” (Lust).  I love that definition of perfect: “to complete or make whole”. It is only logical that something must first be incomplete in order for it to then be made complete. We are all broken but with God as our Great Physician, He makes us “whole, sound, and healthful”/ perfect.

We have the responsibility to recognize if we are prone to approaching our standards with an unhealthy perfectionist mentality and or projecting that same mentality on others, especially in our religions. Terryl L. Givens, a practicing Mormon and a professor of literature and religion at the University of Richmond,  addresses controversial issues in his own faith fairly and without bias in his book, People of Paradox. He tells of the special challenges that are posed to those prone toward perfectionism--how it can trigger a negative outcome in a religion that is highly monitored through returning and reporting and a belief that they can one day be like God (Givens pp. 308-309). If people can admit they are perfectionist prone, they’re more likely to catch themselves before the mixture of their religion becomes problematic. It’s an emotional coping technique Dan Siegel--doctor of child and adult psychiatry--calls “name it to tame it”.  This is something to be aware of in all faiths. The key component is to make sure we don’t forget to emphasize our infinite worth God and the role grace plays in all our reporting and self evaluations.

Perfectionism, Shame, and Disconnect

To further explain the concern we should have with perfectionism, I’ll now illustrate how it leads to shame, which can lead to disconnection, and other adverse effects. Brené Brown-- a well-known public speaker and best-selling author who holds a Doctorate of Philosophy from the University of Houston--has done extensive research in human behavior and describes it this way:

Perfectionism is not the key to success. In fact, research shows that perfectionism hampers achievement. Perfectionism is correlated with depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis or missed opportunities. The fear of failing, making mistakes, not meeting people’s expectations, and being criticized keeps us outside of the arena where healthy competition and striving unfolds...Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is a defensive move. It’s the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame (Brown pp. 128-129).

Perfectionism is not about striving for excellence; it’s not about “healthy achievement and growth”. Perfectionism is all about saving face to avoid shame. She explains that shame is “the fear of disconnection”. We especially feel shame in the areas of life where our choices affect our deepest, most valued, connections. Brown says, “We are psychologically, emotionally, cognitively, and spiritually hardwired for connection, love, and belonging.” She explains that “shame is the fear of disconnection--it’s the fear that something we’ve done or failed to do, an ideal that we’ve not lived up to, or a goal that we’ve not accomplished makes us unworthy of connection.”

It is interesting to note that in Dr. Brown’s research, she discovered twelve categories where shame surfaces the strongest in people. Of those twelve shame categories, eight are heavily mentioned in sermons and lessons of the Mormon faith and other Christian churches: motherhood/fatherhood, family, parenting, religion, addiction, appearance/body-image, mental and physical health, and sex (Brown pp.68-69). When we falsely believe we must be flawless in these areas in order to be worthy of God’s love or another’s love, then we set ourselves up for shame,  then fear, then isolation, then disconnection, and possibly thoughts of suicide.

Feelings of disconnection and isolation are extremely important to note because they instill such painful emotions. An association of mental health professionals from more than 30 countries recently published an article showing that in places where there is a higher level of good strong community connection, there is also a higher risk of suicide--especially for those who feel disconnected and especially among the youth (King).  In our churches and communities, we must be thoughtful of our neighbors, family, or friends who have begun to isolate themselves; seek loving ways to reach out to them and promote connectedness. We can certainly do this without compromising our own beliefs. It may be as simple as striking up a friendly conversation, offering a meal, or inviting them to a barbeque. Maybe all they need is a reminder that they are worthy of connection, worthy of interaction, worthy of community, regardless of their standing in any particular faith or religion.

Perfectionist Parenting

Speaking of feeling worthy, I want to take a moment to reflect on how parental rejection can cause a child to form a twisted view of God’s paternal opinion of them. As I mentioned in the beginning of my article, my dad, my brother, and my sister have all either attempted or seriously contemplated suicide. I came to this realization after years of being away from home and having a family of my own. I could now see how my dad’s shame for his imperfections caused him to be disgusted with the failures or flaws in his own children, and his projected insecurities caused my siblings to assume that God must be equally disappointed and angry with them for their choices. I remember one evening about 11 years ago, when my father was admitted to a mental hospital to be put on suicide watch, my sister, who is a self-proclaimed atheist, suggested we say a prayer for my dad. I agreed that it was a wonderful idea. Within seconds of her suggestion though, she quickly declined to say the prayer and nudged me, “You better be the one to pray. God wants nothing to do with me. He’s much more likely to listen to you.” My heart broke for her, and I realized then that, in her mind, God was no different than her earthly father.

A perfectionist is extremely hard on himself/herself and especially hard on others. Parents who are perfectionists can do generations of harm. An article published in Psychology Today affirms that “parents who are obsessively concerned with mistakes raise children who are, too. And there's an interpersonal affect, transmitted by an authority figure in a child's life who is overly critical and demanding” (Marano). There is nothing wrong with  parents’ desire to push their children to excel, to get straight A’s, to strive for a more virtuous and successful life. These desires only become harmful when the parent’s motivating factor is perfectionism (to avoid blame, judgment, and shame). The message of worth fluctuates in the child’s mind, and all they hear from the parent is, “You are only worthy of my love when you can make me look good.”

Michael Phelps, the most decorated Olympian of all time, had a strained relationship with his perfectionist father. This relationship explained much of Michael's drive to become flawless in his sport. After reaching an all-time high in his successful career as an athlete, Phelps began to celebrate his achievements with riotous parties and heavy drinking. He was arrested more than once for driving under the influence, and when a photo surfaced of the intoxicated Olympian and when news spread of his arrests, Michael plunged into an all-time low, crashed rock bottom and contemplated suicide. In desperation Phelps reached out to his friend, retired NFL star, Ray Lewis, who gave him a Christian book entitled, The Purpose Driven Life. Michael said the book gave him hope and he began to believe in God, to understand his life had meaning, and that he was valued even though he had made some serious mistakes. In this healing process, he was even strengthened to forgive his father (Dance).

The Quest to Reconnect

Instead of fearing that our flaws will cause us to be disconnected, Brené Brown suggests that they can actually be the very thing that connects us, evoking empathy and compassion (Brown). Think of the hopelessness that could be avoided if our worth was not associated with our perfectness. How could we help prevent suicide if we spent a little more time focusing on the Atonement and God’s unconditional love, reminding each other in small and simple ways that we all belong? In the New Testament, the apostle Paul recognized that his flaws helped him have a greater connection to the Savior. He said,

Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh...Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me (2 Corinthians 12:9-9 NIV).

Made perfect in weakness? That hardly sounds like perfectionism. Perhaps God never intended for us to be without our failures and our flaws? Again, I emphasize that perfectionism is not the same as striving to be perfect through Christ. President of Brigham Young University, Kevin J. Worthen, gave an address where he said that in our striving, failure is “a critical component”. Perhaps, through understanding what “be perfect” really means, suicide and depression wouldn’t be so much of a problem, especially in such a religious region?

There are so many reasons why people consider or attempt suicide; I’m not saying that unhealthy comparing/competition and false association of individual worth are the only reasons, but hopefully, through this paper, they can be considered more. Maybe our loved ones who suffer with depression, who feel they don’t belong, who feel they will never measure up, could be infused with hope once again if we sought for ways to connect with them. Maybe we could seek to show them that their worthiness to be loved is not revoked because they aren’t perfect or because they sometimes fail. Maybe if we all worried a little less about what others think of us, worried a little less about saving face, we might be able to preserve a few lives by directing our attention to saving Grace.

Works Cited

Brown, Brené. "The Power of Vulnerability." TEDxHouston, Jun. 2010, www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability. Accessed 15 Nov. 2016.  

Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly. Gotham Books, 2012, pp. 68-69, 128-129.

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Knoll, Benjamin. “Is the Recent Rise in Utah Youth Suicides Reallly Such a Mystery?.” The Huffington Post, 05 Jul. 2016, www.huffingtonpost.com/benjamin-knoll/is-the-recent-rise-in-uta_b_10798286.html. 12 Nov. 2016.

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Walton, Alice G. "New Study Links Facebook to Depression: But Now We Actually Understand Why." Forbes. www.forbes.com/sites/alicegwalton/2015/04/08/new-study-links-facebook-to-depression-but-now-we-actually-understand-why. Accessed 12 Nov. 2016.

Worthen, Kevin J. “Successfully Failing: Pursuing Our Quest for Perfection. BYU Speeches, 06 Jan. 2015, https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/kevin-j-worthen_successfully-failing-pursuing-quest-perfection/. Accessed 04 Nov. 2016.