Pour Out Your Soul and Have Faith

When Helaman's army was struggling in battle, there's a couple of verses that are reminiscent of my own struggles and my own battles in my life. It's almost as if I could write these very same words!

"[I]did pour out [my] soul in prayer to God, that He would strengthen [me]..."
"And it came to pass the Lord our God did visit [me] with assurances that He would deliver [me]; yea, inosomuch that He did speak peace to [my] soul, and did grant unto [me] great faith, and did cause [me] that [I] should hope for our deliverance in Him. And [I] did take courage..."
- Alma 58:10-12

For me the "deliverance" doesn't always mean my particular trial or struggle has been removed from my life but more so I am strengthened beyond my natural capacity to handle it... peace and hope enter my heart, and the Spirit of God blesses me to take courage, to get up, to march forth in my battles knowing the Savior is leading the way.

-Alicia

Finding Connection

This past week has been so full of ups and downs; some rich, full, and happy experiences - and other experiences that fill my heart with sorrow.  I woke up this morning feeling restless. I thought that maybe by writing out some of it, I could sort through it.

I spent last Thursday through Saturday on a Sister's Retreat with six of Joseph's sisters and my mother-in-law.  We usually have some sort of retreat together once a year. This year we rented a house in Salt Lake. We went out to dinner, we hiked, we played games, and had a really cool sharing night where we Skyped with Joseph's other sister, Ann. The sharing night to me is really like a church testimony meeting. We each come prepared to share a "life-lesson" with each other and they almost always involve some lesson that has helped us grow closer to our Father in Heaven and to our loved ones.

I think of the family support I was blessed with from marrying Joseph, blessed with seven beautiful sisters who fill my heart and give me a sense of being anchored in something stable. I'm filled with gratitude and pride for the choice I made to become a Rawlins.

All of my sisters-in-law are very aware of Joseph's battle with depression his whole life. They are aware of the more severe trenches he's pulled through... and they're aware that he's in a pretty deep one right now. They shared with me their same feelings of being at a loss of what to do. As one solution, we did come up with working out some sort of annual Brother's Retreat for Joseph and Jason.

Joseph needs support in this new neighborhood too. He's not connecting with any of his ecclesiastical leaders and hasn't made any friends. He has never been one to have lots of deep relationships though. He is much more introverted and really shows little interest in making close friends. He has one friend, Ryan, he met at BYU that he bonds with really well, but Ryan lives in Oregon now -At least the two of them call and write each other every week. I'm so glad Joseph has that support.

It just feels like it's been a while, a couple years maybe since Joseph has been depressed for this long. When he gets like this, he isolates himself, closes off emotionally and physically. It gets a little lonely because he's here... but he's not here... it's almost like living with a ghost - we pass each other and I walk right through him.

I've been very concerned. Through the years, I've learned it doesn't help to ask him to express what's on his mind, it only makes him more frustrated. A couple days ago, I had to pry him open though, just barely enough to make sure he wasn't feeling suicidal at all, to know he wasn't in the red zone again. It took him a while to answer but he finally said that he wasn't suicidal, he just didn't want to live a long life. I hope he lives a long life for my sake. I need him. I can't imagine spending the last twenty years of my life alone!

I had a glimmer of hope for him yesterday. He seemed happier than usual, at least happier than he's been in a long time. I think seeing family and old friends helped perk him up. We spent the evening with my best friend, Suzanne's family and our other old neighbors, the Prices. It was good for him. I want to find ways to get him out more - maybe he needs a trip for a week with his best friend, Ryan?

Speaking of old friends, I had a wonderful time Monday night going to our old neighborhood's block party. I brought my niece Alexa, her boyfriend, and her boyfriend's family. There must have been over 400 people at the party! I loved seeing so many faces of people who had also moved away from our old neighborhood. It was so good to see them again: We played. We hugged. We talked. We danced -It was the highlight of my year so far. Do you ever wish you had the power to stop time? There are some moments in life I never want to end. Moments like these spent connecting and re-connecting with people I love, even if they don't come that often, make me want to live a very long life.

But time moves on... and you try to make the most of the dull parts in-between. Maybe that's it. I think I woke up this morning just feeling a little sad. There are so many people I miss. So many at the party I didn't get a chance to talk with, to connect to.

I love what Herman Melville said about human connection,“We cannot live only for ourselves. A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men; and among those fibers, as sympathetic threads, our actions run as causes, and they come back to us as effects.”

I'm grateful for my new calling in the church. I know it is a blessing in disguise because it will help me create the connections I so desperately need to make in this new ward - connections that will help me heal from or even forget my own heartaches. I have felt the blessings pour into my life already from reaching out to my sisters in this ward. I'm realizing that there are a whole lot of hearts quietly hurting, so many hearts who need to be nurtured and noticed. I'm anxious to pull them into my own... and grow together.

“Spirituality is recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion. Practicing spirituality brings a sense of perspective, meaning and purpose to our lives.”
― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

-Alicia

I'm really not any different.

In my scripture study this morning, I noticed Mosiah 2:11 as King Benjamin prepares to address his people. He says,
 "I am like as yourselves, subject to all manner of infirmities in body and mind; yet I have been chosen … and consecrated by my father, … and have been kept and preserved by his matchless power, to serve you with all the might, mind and strength which the Lord hath granted unto me"

I'm so glad that King Benjamin was real in this declaration, that he didn't pretend to be any better, or less human than those he served. Yet, still he was chosen and consecrated to administer in his particular calling.

We all have weaknesses, every one of us... but that's why we have the Savior and His Gospel covenants. Remembering and allowing Christ's grace, His mercy, and atonement to work within our lives and extending that same mercy to others must be central!!

Yes, we really are "less than the dust of the earth" but it is through "the atoning blood of Christ that we may receive forgiveness of our sins, and our hearts may be purified" - Mosiah 4:2

President Uchtorf said the following in a conference address from October 2013
"I suppose the Church would be perfect only if it were run by perfect beings. God is perfect, and His doctrine is pure. But He works through us—His imperfect children—and imperfect people make mistakes.

In the title page of the Book of Mormon we read, “And now, if there are faults they are the mistakes of men; wherefore, condemn not the things of God, that ye may be found spotless at the judgment-seat of Christ.”

This is the way it has always been and will be until the perfect day when Christ Himself reigns personally upon the earth."

Notwithstanding My Weakness

I listened to this talk by Neal A. Maxwell today. I found it by searching for sermons that addressed feeling weak or inadequate in our callings in the church. Let's just say...  I really needed this!!

.......................

What can we do to manage these vexing feelings of inadequacy? Here are but a few suggestions:

1.  We can distinguish more clearly between divine discontent and the devil’s dissonance, between dissatisfaction with self and disdain for self. We need the first and must shun the second, remembering that when conscience calls to us from the next ridge, it is not solely to scold but also to beckon.

2.  We can contemplate how far we have already come in the climb along the pathway to perfection; it is usually much farther than we acknowledge. True, we are “unprofitable servants,” but partly because when “we have done that which was our duty to do” (Luke 17:10), with every ounce of such obedience comes a bushel of blessings.

3.  We can accept help as well as gladly give it. Happily, General Naaman received honest but helpful feedback, not from fellow generals, but from his orderlies. (See 2 Kgs. 5:1–14.) In the economy of heaven, God does not send thunder if a still, small voice is enough, or a prophet if a priest can do the job.

4.  We can allow for the agency of others (including our children) before we assess our adequacy. Often our deliberate best is less effectual because of someone else’s worst.

5.  We can write down, and act upon, more of those accumulating resolutions for self-improvement that we so often leave, unrecovered, at the edge of sleep.

6.  We can admit that if we were to die today, we would be genuinely and deeply missed. Perhaps parliaments would not praise us, but no human circle is so small that it does not touch another, and another.

7.   We can put our hand to the plow, looking neither back nor around, comparatively. Our gifts and opportunities differ; some are more visible and impactful. The historian Moroni felt inadequate as a writer beside the mighty Mahonri Moriancumer, who wrote overpoweringly. We all have at least one gift and an open invitation to seek “earnestly the best gifts.” (D&C 46:8.)

8.   We can make quiet but more honest inventories of our strengths, since, in this connection, most of us are dishonest bookkeepers and need confirming “outside auditors.” He who was thrust down in the first estate delights to have us put ourselves down. Self-contempt is of Satan; there is none of it in heaven. We should, of course, learn from our mistakes, but without forever studying the instant replays as if these were the game of life itself.

9.   We can add to each other’s storehouse of self-esteem by giving deserved, specific commendation more often, remembering, too, that those who are breathless from going the second mile need deserved praise just as the fallen need to be lifted up.

10.   We can also keep moving. Only the Lord can compare crosses, but all crosses are easier to carry when we keep moving. Men finally climbed Mount Everest, not by standing at its base in consuming awe, but by shouldering their packs and by placing one foot in front of another. Feet are made to move forward—not backward!

11.   We can know that when we have truly given what we have, it is like paying a full tithe; it is, in that respect, all that was asked. The widow who cast in her two mites was neither self-conscious nor searching for mortal approval.

12.   We can allow for the reality that God is more concerned with growth than with geography. Thus, those who marched in Zion’s Camp were not exploring the Missouri countryside but their own possibilities.

13.   We can learn that at the center of our agency is our freedom to form a healthy attitude toward whatever circumstances we are placed in! Those, for instance, who stretch themselves in service—though laced with limiting diseases—are often the healthiest among us! The Spirit can drive the flesh beyond where the body first agrees to go!

14.   Finally, we can accept this stunning, irrevocable truth: Our Lord can lift us from deep despair and cradle us midst any care. We cannot tell Him anything about aloneness or nearness!

- Neal A. Maxwell - Notwithstanding My Weakness - October 1976

The Pathway to Peace

These past twelve months have been some of the hardest months of my entire life. Our family has gone through some dramatic and painful changes. In reflection of all that has happened, I keep asking myself what there is to learn from it all. What is the Lord trying to teach me? What is He trying to teach us?

I keep thinking of the Serenity Prayer:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, 

the courage to change the things I can, 

and the wisdom to know the difference." 

Oh, how I pray through all the struggle, "Please help me to learn wisdom!!"

It's funny, but I almost forgot.

As I typed this serenity prayer, a memory flashed into my mind.
When Joseph and I were engaged, a week or two before our wedding date, he became terribly paralyzed with fear, almost to the point of calling the wedding off. I remember him saying, "I promise, It's not you, it's me. I'm afraid I will fail as a husband and father. I'm afraid I won't be able to endure when things get tough." 

I think we all face similar fears throughout our lives. Turn on the news or take a walk down the street, and you'll see some of the best marriages and families falling apart right before your eyes.  No one wants to become another statistic.

As a response to my husband's engagement jitters, I bought him this serenity prayer etched in glass. It looked a little something like the one I've posted here -- the only difference is the one I gave him was rectangle and also had a rose at the bottom. 

He warned me before we married that he suffered greatly with depression. I told him not to worry because four of my six family members had severe depression and not much could phase me: My mom was hospitalized for at least a month or so more than three times for her bipolar. And my dad, brother, and sister had all attempted suicide and had been hospitalized for that. I assured Joseph then from my family experiences that I was quite familiar with depression.

I don't know if that consoled him or not. Ha! It probably frightened him even more thinking about the genes we'd pass on to our children.  I'm just grateful that our kids so far seem to be doing great and despite my husband's depression through all these years, Joseph has never needed to be admitted to a facility like my mom, dad, or siblings. Of course, he's had his rough moments but who doesn't? He's doing far better than the members of my family did. I think he's done quite alright!

It's interesting though, I look back on how our marriage has unfolded together, all that we've been through, and the little gift I bought when he was feeling so low-- I realize that prayer was more for me than it was for him. All these years, through every hardship we have faced, every struggle, this prayer has come into my mind. 

And guess what? Today, after all these years, I discovered that there is more to the prayer. Can you believe it? All this time and I'm only now finding this out. I love this second half. It's absolutely beautiful! This is the prayer in its entirety:

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change; 

courage to change the things I can; 

and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; 

enjoying one moment at a time; 

accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 

taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it; 

trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will; 

that I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

forever in the next. 

Amen.

- Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

I like that line, "accepting hardships as the pathway to peace... trusting that He [God] will make all things right". So many of us often fear tribulation because in the moment it feels like it's going to take us down, like it's going to crush us - but there is another side to it we often don't see. 

Napoleon Hill once said, "Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit." That's the vision we want to capture when we come face to face with life's struggles. Wisdom, character, and beauty are forged in the furnace of affliction. Therefore, "Let me embrace thee, sour adversity, for wise men say it is the wisest course." -William Shakespeare

-Alicia

The Lord is Able

"God has always asked His covenant children to do difficult things. Because you are covenant-keeping sons and daughters of God, living in the latter part of these latter days, the Lord will ask you to do difficult things. You can count on it—Abrahamic tests did not stop with Abraham. I know how unnerving it can be to be asked to do something that seems far beyond your capacity... 

But the Lord is able to do His own work, and I was privileged to watch the unfolding of one miracle after another—always, and only, after I had brought my best thinking, my most courageous efforts, and my most fervent prayers to the task... 

...anchored in pure doctrine, when you are asked to do impossible things, you will be able to step forward with faith and dogged persistence and cheerfully do all that lies in your power to fulfill the purposes of the Lord.

You will have days when you will be thoroughly discouraged. So, pray for courage not to give up!" - President Russell N. Nelson - Jan. 2017

"Something Out Of Me"

by, Nichole Nordeman

Just You and me on a hillside 

And 4,999 

If You could see on the inside 

What I brought, what I need, how I’m caught in between

You lifted bread to the blue sky 

They said they watched it just multiply 

But in the back of a long line 

Oh, I want to believe there’s enough left for me

Cause by now it really shoulda been long gone

And somehow it keeps going on and on 

On and on an on ‘cause

You take all kinds of nothing 

Turn it right in to something 

I see impossible, but You see a basket full of 

A little bit of this sounds crazy 

A little bit of just maybe 

You take every doubt and 

You make something out of me

It’s not the story that moves me 

It’s not that I don’t believe You could 

It’s just my heart is so hungry

Is there enough to fill me up 

Or will You run out of love

You take all kinds of nothing 

Turn it right in to something 

I see impossible, but You see a basket full of 

A little bit of this sounds crazy 

A little bit of just maybe 

You take every doubt and 

You make something out of me

Something out of me

By now Your love could have been long gone 

But somehow it keeps going on and on 

And...

You take all kinds of nothing 

Turn it right in to something 

I see impossible, but You see a basket full of 

A little bit of this sounds crazy 

A little bit of just maybe 

You take every doubt and 

You make something out of me

Something out of me

Even If... through the fire

There's a new song out by MercyMe  I wanted to share this evening. My hope in doing so is that it might be encouraging to someone who is consumed by despair from the burning flames of life's fiery furnace.

These verses strike my heart the most, The song is a prayer to God, one I think every Christian has felt at some moment in their life.

"It's easy to sing
When there's nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I'm held to the flame
Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone"

This reminds me very much of the wonderful talk given By Dennis E. Simmons thirteen years ago, But If Not, especially the last two paragraphs.

We must have the same faith as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego.

"Our God will deliver us from ridicule and persecution, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from sickness and disease, but if not … . He will deliver us from loneliness, depression, or fear, but if not. … Our God will deliver us from threats, accusations, and insecurity, but if not. … He will deliver us from death or impairment of loved ones, but if not, … we will trust in the Lord.

Our God will see that we receive justice and fairness, but if not. … He will make sure that we are loved and recognized, but if not. … We will receive a perfect companion and righteous and obedient children, but if not, … we will have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, knowing that if we do all we can do, we will, in His time and in His way, be delivered and receive all that He has."

 We might not have the answers to some of our experiences right now. Time may reveal it or at least content our souls with not knowing. But one thing is certain - God loves us and will see us through every heartache as we seek Him.

-Alicia

March Fourth

Today is the one day out of the year that gives us encouragement right there in its name.  So that's my message for today, March Forth! No matter what you might be going through, no matter how battered or weary you may feel, don't quit, don't lose faith, stay true to your loved ones, stay true to the Savior, and it will all work out.

To go along with the message of this day, I encourage you to listen to this talk by Elder Holland, However Long and Hard the Road.

"Brethren [and sisters], shall we not go on in so great a cause? Go forward and not backward. Courage, brethren; and on, on to the victory!" - Joseph Smith

-Alicia

Building a Palace

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”

― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

The Quest for Grace

The Quest for Saving Grace in a World Obsessed with Saving Face

by, Alicia Rawlins

Suicide and Possible Causes

The topic of suicide strikes a chord all too familiar with me. In the past 25 years, I have had a number of very close family members (namely; my dad, my brother, my sister, and my husband) crash so low that they've lost any desire to live and have been in complete despair; they have either attempted or seriously contemplated taking their own life. It's a problem that can't be overlooked or swept under the rug. We need to confront it and face it head on. Utah ties third in the nation for the state with the most reported serious mental illnesses (SAMHSA). It also ranks among the top 20 states with the highest suicide rates (Suicide:20), and as of this summer, we rose even higher in the charts when our suicide rate spiked among the youth (Hatch). This leaves us desperately begging to know what could be the cause of so much hopelessness and loss of self-worth.

No one really knows why Utah ranks as one of the highest in suicide. There are many theories trying to explain the reasons for so much depression: some speculate that altitude, understaffed medical counselors, not enough treatment centers, and greater access to guns are the problems (Hatch and Kim). Some articles, (Knoll) argue that the spike in suicides among young Utahans has everything to do with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saint’s policy change regarding gays and lesbians who choose to marry or have sexual relationships with the same gender (First Presidency). Though all of these things are surely contributing factors, there’s more research to be done before we can identify all the possible causes. Though it seems there could be a correlation between the suicides and the Church’s new policy; it doesn't take into account those who have never experienced same-gender attraction, who also feel suicidal. Neither, does it take into account all of the efforts the Church has made to reach out and express love to its gay members (Mormon and Gay). Is there a more underlying issue to Utah’s suicide problem--one that strikes closer to the root--which, if fully recognized, would help people of all faiths be more aware and enabled to assist in prevention? I argue that this suicide epidemic is not so much a matter of religious law or policy, but a matter of how we, as individuals, choose to value and internalize our worth, how we are dependent on how others regard us, how we connect--socially and as families. We tend to unfairly compare ourselves to people around us and fear how we fit into the big picture; we misunderstand God’s love, His accessibility, and His grace.

I love living in Utah and find it to be a wonderful place to settle down, to raise my family.  There are so many friendly, happy people, and they seem to enjoy it here too.  Even according to NBC News, Utah is one of the happiest states in America (Dubois). So, why the high number of suicides? An interesting report published in 2011 by the University of Warwick, observed recent research that some of happiest places in the world have the highest suicide rates. University of Warwick researcher Professor Andrew Oswald said, "Human beings rely on relative comparisons between each other... Discontented people in a happy place may feel particularly harshly treated by life. Those dark contrasts may in turn increase the risk of suicide” (Happiest Places). Time Magazine also published an article that showed more research supporting this claim entitled, “Why the Happiest States Have the Highest Suicide Rates,” revealing that our tendency to make comparisons with our neighbors may play a role (Szalavitz).

Being Aware of Triggers

One of the major downfalls of human nature is our tendency to associate our worth with how well we measure up to everyone around us.  Today's digitally social world only compounds the problem when we advertise and compare all our "good" on the street corners of Facebook and Instagram, secretly hoping no one ever sees "the bad" and "the ugly" tucked away in the creaky old cart behind us. A recent social and clinical psychology report stated that “If people portray themselves as happier than they actually are, then perceptions of the happiness and well-being of one’s Facebook friends are likely to be distorted.”  The study goes on to point out that the spontaneous social nature of Facebook and other social media increases the level of daily comparisons which “increase[s] [the] daily depressive symptoms” (Steers). We wear out our days doing everything we can to have the picture-perfect life, comparing and competing, to save face, to one-up our peers, to avoid being looked on as weak or broken. In doing this, we place unrealistic expectations on ourselves, on our children, and on others. We become obsessed with hiding our flaws and putting on a mask. We drag these same fearful behaviors into almost every large social sphere, our circle of friends, our schools, and sadly, even our churches.

Cause and effect fully considered: If people spend their days comparing the lows of their life to the highs of everyone else’s, they will always come up short. They will never feel beautiful enough, popular enough, rich enough, smart enough, or righteous enough.  

This pattern of comparative thinking is not based on a healthy fear of God; rather, it is based on the fear of not being socially accepted and can lead to a lifestyle of perfectionism, which in turn can lead to serious depression. In fact, under the word “perfectionism” in Mosby’s Medical Dictionary it states that “failure to attain the [perfectionistic] goals may lead to feelings of defeat and other adverse psychological consequences” (Mosby’s).

A goal to be perfect is a good thing in religious context; after all, it is a Biblical command given by Christ to “be perfect”. But some interpret this to mean, if they don’t obey and perform every commandment with complete precision and exactness, they become unworthy of God’s love and help. The Atonement of the Savior and His unfailing grace become skewed, lost in a long list of rules, commandments, and laws. What does Christ mean then when He instructs us to be perfect even as He is?   The Hebrew word translated as “perfect” is tamim and means, among other things, “whole, sound, healthful” and “having integrity”(Francis).  The Septuagint—the Greek translation of the Old Testament—uses the word teleios (the same word used in Matthew 5:48) to mean perfect in the sense of “complete” and “entire” (Lust).  I love that definition of perfect: “to complete or make whole”. It is only logical that something must first be incomplete in order for it to then be made complete. We are all broken but with God as our Great Physician, He makes us “whole, sound, and healthful”/ perfect.

We have the responsibility to recognize if we are prone to approaching our standards with an unhealthy perfectionist mentality and or projecting that same mentality on others, especially in our religions. Terryl L. Givens, a practicing Mormon and a professor of literature and religion at the University of Richmond,  addresses controversial issues in his own faith fairly and without bias in his book, People of Paradox. He tells of the special challenges that are posed to those prone toward perfectionism--how it can trigger a negative outcome in a religion that is highly monitored through returning and reporting and a belief that they can one day be like God (Givens pp. 308-309). If people can admit they are perfectionist prone, they’re more likely to catch themselves before the mixture of their religion becomes problematic. It’s an emotional coping technique Dan Siegel--doctor of child and adult psychiatry--calls “name it to tame it”.  This is something to be aware of in all faiths. The key component is to make sure we don’t forget to emphasize our infinite worth God and the role grace plays in all our reporting and self evaluations.

Perfectionism, Shame, and Disconnect

To further explain the concern we should have with perfectionism, I’ll now illustrate how it leads to shame, which can lead to disconnection, and other adverse effects. Brené Brown-- a well-known public speaker and best-selling author who holds a Doctorate of Philosophy from the University of Houston--has done extensive research in human behavior and describes it this way:

Perfectionism is not the key to success. In fact, research shows that perfectionism hampers achievement. Perfectionism is correlated with depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis or missed opportunities. The fear of failing, making mistakes, not meeting people’s expectations, and being criticized keeps us outside of the arena where healthy competition and striving unfolds...Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth. Perfectionism is a defensive move. It’s the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame (Brown pp. 128-129).

Perfectionism is not about striving for excellence; it’s not about “healthy achievement and growth”. Perfectionism is all about saving face to avoid shame. She explains that shame is “the fear of disconnection”. We especially feel shame in the areas of life where our choices affect our deepest, most valued, connections. Brown says, “We are psychologically, emotionally, cognitively, and spiritually hardwired for connection, love, and belonging.” She explains that “shame is the fear of disconnection--it’s the fear that something we’ve done or failed to do, an ideal that we’ve not lived up to, or a goal that we’ve not accomplished makes us unworthy of connection.”

It is interesting to note that in Dr. Brown’s research, she discovered twelve categories where shame surfaces the strongest in people. Of those twelve shame categories, eight are heavily mentioned in sermons and lessons of the Mormon faith and other Christian churches: motherhood/fatherhood, family, parenting, religion, addiction, appearance/body-image, mental and physical health, and sex (Brown pp.68-69). When we falsely believe we must be flawless in these areas in order to be worthy of God’s love or another’s love, then we set ourselves up for shame,  then fear, then isolation, then disconnection, and possibly thoughts of suicide.

Feelings of disconnection and isolation are extremely important to note because they instill such painful emotions. An association of mental health professionals from more than 30 countries recently published an article showing that in places where there is a higher level of good strong community connection, there is also a higher risk of suicide--especially for those who feel disconnected and especially among the youth (King).  In our churches and communities, we must be thoughtful of our neighbors, family, or friends who have begun to isolate themselves; seek loving ways to reach out to them and promote connectedness. We can certainly do this without compromising our own beliefs. It may be as simple as striking up a friendly conversation, offering a meal, or inviting them to a barbeque. Maybe all they need is a reminder that they are worthy of connection, worthy of interaction, worthy of community, regardless of their standing in any particular faith or religion.

Perfectionist Parenting

Speaking of feeling worthy, I want to take a moment to reflect on how parental rejection can cause a child to form a twisted view of God’s paternal opinion of them. As I mentioned in the beginning of my article, my dad, my brother, and my sister have all either attempted or seriously contemplated suicide. I came to this realization after years of being away from home and having a family of my own. I could now see how my dad’s shame for his imperfections caused him to be disgusted with the failures or flaws in his own children, and his projected insecurities caused my siblings to assume that God must be equally disappointed and angry with them for their choices. I remember one evening about 11 years ago, when my father was admitted to a mental hospital to be put on suicide watch, my sister, who is a self-proclaimed atheist, suggested we say a prayer for my dad. I agreed that it was a wonderful idea. Within seconds of her suggestion though, she quickly declined to say the prayer and nudged me, “You better be the one to pray. God wants nothing to do with me. He’s much more likely to listen to you.” My heart broke for her, and I realized then that, in her mind, God was no different than her earthly father.

A perfectionist is extremely hard on himself/herself and especially hard on others. Parents who are perfectionists can do generations of harm. An article published in Psychology Today affirms that “parents who are obsessively concerned with mistakes raise children who are, too. And there's an interpersonal affect, transmitted by an authority figure in a child's life who is overly critical and demanding” (Marano). There is nothing wrong with  parents’ desire to push their children to excel, to get straight A’s, to strive for a more virtuous and successful life. These desires only become harmful when the parent’s motivating factor is perfectionism (to avoid blame, judgment, and shame). The message of worth fluctuates in the child’s mind, and all they hear from the parent is, “You are only worthy of my love when you can make me look good.”

Michael Phelps, the most decorated Olympian of all time, had a strained relationship with his perfectionist father. This relationship explained much of Michael's drive to become flawless in his sport. After reaching an all-time high in his successful career as an athlete, Phelps began to celebrate his achievements with riotous parties and heavy drinking. He was arrested more than once for driving under the influence, and when a photo surfaced of the intoxicated Olympian and when news spread of his arrests, Michael plunged into an all-time low, crashed rock bottom and contemplated suicide. In desperation Phelps reached out to his friend, retired NFL star, Ray Lewis, who gave him a Christian book entitled, The Purpose Driven Life. Michael said the book gave him hope and he began to believe in God, to understand his life had meaning, and that he was valued even though he had made some serious mistakes. In this healing process, he was even strengthened to forgive his father (Dance).

The Quest to Reconnect

Instead of fearing that our flaws will cause us to be disconnected, Brené Brown suggests that they can actually be the very thing that connects us, evoking empathy and compassion (Brown). Think of the hopelessness that could be avoided if our worth was not associated with our perfectness. How could we help prevent suicide if we spent a little more time focusing on the Atonement and God’s unconditional love, reminding each other in small and simple ways that we all belong? In the New Testament, the apostle Paul recognized that his flaws helped him have a greater connection to the Savior. He said,

Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh...Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me (2 Corinthians 12:9-9 NIV).

Made perfect in weakness? That hardly sounds like perfectionism. Perhaps God never intended for us to be without our failures and our flaws? Again, I emphasize that perfectionism is not the same as striving to be perfect through Christ. President of Brigham Young University, Kevin J. Worthen, gave an address where he said that in our striving, failure is “a critical component”. Perhaps, through understanding what “be perfect” really means, suicide and depression wouldn’t be so much of a problem, especially in such a religious region?

There are so many reasons why people consider or attempt suicide; I’m not saying that unhealthy comparing/competition and false association of individual worth are the only reasons, but hopefully, through this paper, they can be considered more. Maybe our loved ones who suffer with depression, who feel they don’t belong, who feel they will never measure up, could be infused with hope once again if we sought for ways to connect with them. Maybe we could seek to show them that their worthiness to be loved is not revoked because they aren’t perfect or because they sometimes fail. Maybe if we all worried a little less about what others think of us, worried a little less about saving face, we might be able to preserve a few lives by directing our attention to saving Grace.

Works Cited

Brown, Brené. "The Power of Vulnerability." TEDxHouston, Jun. 2010, www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability. Accessed 15 Nov. 2016.  

Brown, Brené. Daring Greatly. Gotham Books, 2012, pp. 68-69, 128-129.

Brown, Francis, S. R. Driver, and Charles A. Briggs, A Hebrew and English Lexicon of the Old Testament, Oxford: Clarendon Press, 1952.

Dance, Mark. "3 Antidotes to Pastoral Perfectionism." LifeWay Pastors, 17 Aug. 2016. www.lifeway.com/pastors/2016/08/17/3-antidotes-to-pastoral-perfectionism. Accessed 01 Nov. 2016.

Dubois, Lou. "New Study Reveals America's Most and Least Happy States." NBC News, 29 Sept. 2014, www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/new-study-reveals-americas-most-least-happy-states-n213836. Accessed 15 Nov. 2016.

"First Presidency Clarifies Church Handbook Changes." The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, 13 Nov. 2015, www.lds.org/pages/church-handbook-changes?lang=eng. Accessed 02 Nov. 2016.

Givens, Terryl. People of Paradox. New York: Oxford University Press, 2007, pp. 308-309.

"Happiest Places Have Highest Suicide Rates Says New Research.” Warwick University, 21 Apr. 2011, www.sciencenewsline.com/news/2011042210360000.html. Accessed 03 Nov. 2016.

Hatch, Heidi. "Utah Youth Suicide Now Leading Cause of Death for Utah Kids Ages 11-17." KUTV News, 05 Jul. 2016, http://kutv.com/news/local/utah-youth-suicide-now-leading-cause-of-death-for-utah-kids-ages-11-17. Accessed 02 Nov. 2016.

King, Will. "Close Community Connections May Be Risk Factor for Suicide." Good Therapy Blog. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 20 Sept. 2016, www.goodtherapy.org/blog/close-community-connections-may-be-risk-factor-for-suicide-0921161. Accessed 15 Nov. 2016.      

Knoll, Benjamin. “Is the Recent Rise in Utah Youth Suicides Reallly Such a Mystery?.” The Huffington Post, 05 Jul. 2016, www.huffingtonpost.com/benjamin-knoll/is-the-recent-rise-in-uta_b_10798286.html. 12 Nov. 2016.

Lust, J., E. Eynikel, and K. Hauspie, A Greek-English Lexicon of the Septuagint, 2 vols. Stuttgart: Deutsche Bibelgesellschaft, 1996.

Marano, Hara Estroff. "Pitfalls of Perfectionism." Psychology Today, 01 Mar. 2008 www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200803/pitfalls-perfectionism. Accessed 15 Nov. 2016.

"Mormon and Gay - An Official Church Website." The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, https://mormonandgay.lds.org. Accessed 02 Nov. 2016.

Mosby's Medical Dictionary. Elsevier, 2009.

SAMHSA, Center for Behavioral Health Statistics and Quality. "State Estimates of Adult Mental Illness from the 2011 and 2012 National Surveys on Drug Use and Health." The NSDUH Report, 28 Feb. 2014, www.samhsa.gov/data/sites/default/files/sr170-mental-illness-state-estimates-2014/sr170-mental-illness-state-estimates-2014/sr170-mental-illness-state-estimates-2014.html. Accessed 2 Nov. 2016.

Steers, Mai-ly N., Robert E. Wickham, and Linda K. Acitelli. "Seeing Everyone Else's Highlight Reels:How Facebook Usage Is Linked to Depressive Symptoms." Guilford Press Periodicals. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 15 Oct. 2014, http://guilfordjournals.com/doi/abs/10.1521/jscp.2014.33.8.701. Accessed 12 Nov. 2016.

"Suicide: 20 states with highest rates." CBSNews, www.cbsnews.com/pictures/suicide-20-states-with-highest-rates. Accessed 03 Nov. 2016.

Szalavitz, Maia. “Why the Happiest States Have the Highest Suicide Rates.” Time.com. Time Magazine, 25 Apr. 2011. http://healthland.time.com/2011/04/25/why-the-happiest-states-have-the-highest-suicide-rates/. Accessed 16 Nov. 2016.          

Walton, Alice G. "New Study Links Facebook to Depression: But Now We Actually Understand Why." Forbes. www.forbes.com/sites/alicegwalton/2015/04/08/new-study-links-facebook-to-depression-but-now-we-actually-understand-why. Accessed 12 Nov. 2016.

Worthen, Kevin J. “Successfully Failing: Pursuing Our Quest for Perfection. BYU Speeches, 06 Jan. 2015, https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/kevin-j-worthen_successfully-failing-pursuing-quest-perfection/. Accessed 04 Nov. 2016.

Applied and Personalized - Ponderize - Week 58

I didn't sleep more than four hours last night.  I experienced for the first time the uncontrollable screaming I was told about that the younger foster child sometimes displays. Kaylee got up and moved herself to the couch downstairs and Miriam moved into my bed while I stayed up trying to figure out what to do with our little foster girl. Joseph came in after a while to help me too. Neither of us got much sleep.

I have an eight page draft due for my writing class tomorrow. I only have three pages written so far but I've enjoyed the research and have actually discovered some of my findings in my topic to be healing and encouraging during this transition of being a foster family.

It's a brand new day and we get up and try again. We're going to make all this work, I know we will.

"Wherefore, the people of [Alicia and Joseph] did fortify [their day] with their [faith and prayers, with the word of the Lord], and with all their might, trusting in the God and rock of their salvation; wherefore, they became as yet, conquerors of their [trials]." - Jacob 7:25

- Alicia

Hope Works!

The Mormon Channel has rolled out a new video series all about hope and redemption.  The stage format is very similar to Ted-Talks.  The one my husband and I watched today was called "The Perfect Lie" and it touches on the destructive aftermath of perfectionism. This woman tells her story of how she was caught up in the check-list of everything she was "supposed" to be and how it broke her, shattered her.  She tells how she came to know the Savior and what Grace really was through all her brokenness.

As we watched her share her testimony, I couldn't help but think of this new Christian song I love.  Take a listen! This is what the Gospel of Jesus Christ really is all about

"Mended"

by, Matthew West

When you see broken beyond repair

I see healing beyond belief

When you see too far gone

I see one step away from home

How many times can one heart break?

It was never supposed to be this way

Look in the mirror, but you find someone you never thought you'd be

Oh, but I can still recognize

The one I love in your tear stained eyes

I know you might not see him now, so lift your eyes to me

When you see broken beyond repair

I see healing beyond belief

When you see too far gone

I see one step away from home

When you see nothing but damaged goods

I see something good in the making

I'm not finished yet

When you see wounded, I see mended

You see your worst mistake

But I see the price I paid

And there's nothing you could ever do, to lose what grace has won

So hold on, it's not the end

No, this is where love's work begins

I'm making all things new

And I will make a miracle of you

When you see broken beyond repair

I see healing beyond belief

When you see too far gone

I see one step away from home

When you see nothing but damaged goods

I see something good in the making

I'm not finished yet

When you see wounded, I see mended

I see my child, my beloved

The new creation you're becoming

You see the scars from when you fell

But I see the stories they will tell

You see worthless, I see priceless

You see pain, but I see a purpose

You see unworthy, undeserving

But I see you through eyes of mercy

When you see broken beyond repair

I see healing beyond belief

You're not too far gone

You're one step away from home

When you see nothing but damaged goods

I see something good in the making

I'm not finished yet, no

When you see wounded, I see mended

Ooh, I see mended

Woah, oh I see mended

I'm not finished yet

When you see wounded, I see mended

-Alicia - (There's always hope.)