Roll With It

It's fun picking Chandler up from work, watching him come out of the office doors dressed in a collared shirt and slacks, sporting a suave half-smile. At sixteen years old, Chandler is the youngest drafter the architecture firm has ever hired - the next oldest up from him is about twenty-three.

Chandler works every other day just a regular nine-to-five job. Then, he's on the high-school campus with the days in between. During the space in the evenings where he is home, he's either writing music or catching up with his online schoolwork. He's very busy these days but I love seeing him learn more responsibility.

With his full schedule, it's rare to be able to pull him away to engage with the family very much. The other day, I came through the door hauling groceries into the house - I glanced over at Chandler at the kitchen table (who was busy as usual writing music on his laptop) I glanced down at the large package of toilet paper rolls I had just set by the bathroom. I had a brilliant idea.... I couldn't restrain the urge to seize an opportunity to have a little fun. 

I filled my arms with rolls of toilet paper and crouched behind the counter. Then, when I got a good view of Chandler's head, I chucked a roll at him. 

I missed. 

He smiled because he knew exactly what I was up to. I chucked a second roll and he reflexively caught it. He smiled again because he knew my attempts were thwarted. I opened rapid fire and he deflected every shot until I was completely out of ammo.

But now, surrounding his work-space was a pile of toilet paper rolls. He had all of them and I had none. He began firing back as I ducked and dodged... but mostly got hit. I sighed, acting defeated as I gathered all the rolls into a bag and  walked toward the living room, "Well, I better go put these away" I stepped around the corner out of his view.  

I waited until I knew he was focused on his work again (although, I'm pretty sure he knows me well enough to have anticipated my return). Nevertheless, when the time was right, I jumped out from the corner and threw one last roll squarely at his head! "Ha ha! Gotcha!" 

We both laughed and I was grateful I was able to steal his time for some light-hearted playing. Spontaneous moments like these make the best memories!

I'm Happy!

I had a wonderful birthday today! Joseph kept asking me what I wanted as a gift. I said, "I'd love for you to go with me on a morning hike up to the top of Squaw Peak." My wish was granted! 

Aug. 19th - the two of us are going to
tackle that mountain in the background. :)

In the evening, Joseph took me out to my favorite restaurant, Indian Palace. 

Finding Connection

This past week has been so full of ups and downs; some rich, full, and happy experiences - and other experiences that fill my heart with sorrow.  I woke up this morning feeling restless. I thought that maybe by writing out some of it, I could sort through it.

I spent last Thursday through Saturday on a Sister's Retreat with six of Joseph's sisters and my mother-in-law.  We usually have some sort of retreat together once a year. This year we rented a house in Salt Lake. We went out to dinner, we hiked, we played games, and had a really cool sharing night where we Skyped with Joseph's other sister, Ann. The sharing night to me is really like a church testimony meeting. We each come prepared to share a "life-lesson" with each other and they almost always involve some lesson that has helped us grow closer to our Father in Heaven and to our loved ones.

I think of the family support I was blessed with from marrying Joseph, blessed with seven beautiful sisters who fill my heart and give me a sense of being anchored in something stable. I'm filled with gratitude and pride for the choice I made to become a Rawlins.

All of my sisters-in-law are very aware of Joseph's battle with depression his whole life. They are aware of the more severe trenches he's pulled through... and they're aware that he's in a pretty deep one right now. They shared with me their same feelings of being at a loss of what to do. As one solution, we did come up with working out some sort of annual Brother's Retreat for Joseph and Jason.

Joseph needs support in this new neighborhood too. He's not connecting with any of his ecclesiastical leaders and hasn't made any friends. He has never been one to have lots of deep relationships though. He is much more introverted and really shows little interest in making close friends. He has one friend, Ryan, he met at BYU that he bonds with really well, but Ryan lives in Oregon now -At least the two of them call and write each other every week. I'm so glad Joseph has that support.

It just feels like it's been a while, a couple years maybe since Joseph has been depressed for this long. When he gets like this, he isolates himself, closes off emotionally and physically. It gets a little lonely because he's here... but he's not here... it's almost like living with a ghost - we pass each other and I walk right through him.

I've been very concerned. Through the years, I've learned it doesn't help to ask him to express what's on his mind, it only makes him more frustrated. A couple days ago, I had to pry him open though, just barely enough to make sure he wasn't feeling suicidal at all, to know he wasn't in the red zone again. It took him a while to answer but he finally said that he wasn't suicidal, he just didn't want to live a long life. I hope he lives a long life for my sake. I need him. I can't imagine spending the last twenty years of my life alone!

I had a glimmer of hope for him yesterday. He seemed happier than usual, at least happier than he's been in a long time. I think seeing family and old friends helped perk him up. We spent the evening with my best friend, Suzanne's family and our other old neighbors, the Prices. It was good for him. I want to find ways to get him out more - maybe he needs a trip for a week with his best friend, Ryan?

Speaking of old friends, I had a wonderful time Monday night going to our old neighborhood's block party. I brought my niece Alexa, her boyfriend, and her boyfriend's family. There must have been over 400 people at the party! I loved seeing so many faces of people who had also moved away from our old neighborhood. It was so good to see them again: We played. We hugged. We talked. We danced -It was the highlight of my year so far. Do you ever wish you had the power to stop time? There are some moments in life I never want to end. Moments like these spent connecting and re-connecting with people I love, even if they don't come that often, make me want to live a very long life.

But time moves on... and you try to make the most of the dull parts in-between. Maybe that's it. I think I woke up this morning just feeling a little sad. There are so many people I miss. So many at the party I didn't get a chance to talk with, to connect to.

I love what Herman Melville said about human connection,“We cannot live only for ourselves. A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men; and among those fibers, as sympathetic threads, our actions run as causes, and they come back to us as effects.”

I'm grateful for my new calling in the church. I know it is a blessing in disguise because it will help me create the connections I so desperately need to make in this new ward - connections that will help me heal from or even forget my own heartaches. I have felt the blessings pour into my life already from reaching out to my sisters in this ward. I'm realizing that there are a whole lot of hearts quietly hurting, so many hearts who need to be nurtured and noticed. I'm anxious to pull them into my own... and grow together.

“Spirituality is recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion. Practicing spirituality brings a sense of perspective, meaning and purpose to our lives.”
― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

-Alicia

Spread Happiness - Express Thanks

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope this day is full of opportunities to be with family and friends and that while you are with them, you take the time to tell them how grateful you are to have them in your life: write it out, call them, express it face to face-- however you do it--give voice to why they mean so much to you!

Because “silent gratitude is of no use to anyone” (G.B. Stern).

Live in Thanksgiving daily. :)

The Science of Happiness

ABC - 123

Around 22 years ago I was given a special blessing that reminds me of my life's mission. In that blessing I was told that because of my Savior's sacrifice, I might "not only have life but [I'll] have it most abundantly".  This is a promise to all true followers of Christ! As I reflect on what the phrase means to "have life most abundantly" I think of what we are here on earth for: to learn.

Education is part of the abundant life, especially the education that shapes and molds our eternal destiny.  So, let's talk a little about ABC's and 123's... :)

Thomas S. Monson describes the abundant life as something to be sought after like a quest--through three applied principles:

"A is for Attitude--So much in life depends on our attitude. The way we choose to see things and respond to others makes all the difference. To do the best we can and then to choose to be happy about our circumstances, whatever they may be, can bring peace and contentment.

B is for Believe--in yourself, in those around you, and in eternal principles... Don’t limit yourself and don’t let others convince you that you are limited in what you can do. Believe in yourself and then live so as to reach your possibilities. You can achieve what you believe you can. Trust and believe and have faith.

C is for Courage--Have the determination to make the effort, the single-mindedness to work toward a worthy goal, and the courage not only to face the challenges that inevitably come but also to make a second effort, should such be required. 'Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.'(Mary Anne Radmacher)"

- President Thomas S. Monson

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin gave a talk called "The Abundant Life" and in it, he lists three things that describe where we find it:

One-- Living Water: "Fully understood and embraced, the gospel of Jesus Christ heals broken hearts, infuses meaning into lives, binds loved ones together with ties that transcend mortality, and brings to life a sublime joy."

Two-- Love: "Love is the essence of the gospel and the greatest of all the commandments. The Savior taught that every other commandment and prophetic teaching hangs upon it.(Matt. 22:40). The Apostle Paul wrote that 'all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.'(Gal. 5:14)"

Three-- Make a masterpiece: "The third quality of those who live abundant lives is that they, with the help of their Heavenly Father, create a masterpiece of their lives. No matter our age, circumstances, or abilities, each one of us can create something remarkable of his life. David saw himself as a shepherd, but the Lord saw him as a king of Israel."

-Joseph B. Wirthlin

There you have it, my friends. It really is that simple.  It really is that beautiful! This really is the life!! Bless you in your noble quest to further your education! Enter to learn and go forth to serve! I believe in you.

-Alicia

"I Gotta Skate" - Throw-back Thursday

I'll never forget the look on my dad's face when he went flying into the air and landed hard on his back in our linoleum kitchen. 

He glared straight at me as he yelled, "What is all over this floor??!!"

Feeling the grease in his hands and lifting his fingers to his nose, he growled, "IS THIS BUTTER?! WHO THE HELL PUT BUTTER ALL OVER THIS FLOOR?!"

I knew the situation was bad.  

Dad always swore when he was mad. I was terribly disappointed he ruined my fun but I was way too scared to say anything.  There was no use hiding though, he knew it was me.  Timidly, I answered, "Um... well... I was making a skating rink."  

"A whaaat?!!" he looked at me with a ridiculous expression.

"A skating rink," I said a little louder. 

I thought in my mind, "And if you did it right, you wouldn't have biffed it like that." (Of course I never could have said it out loud.)

Honestly though, it was the coolest, most fun, idea my little 7yr.-old brain had ever come up with. I must have spread at least three full sticks of butter, maybe more, to get my skating rink nice and slippery.  I had a blast while it lasted.

Me, age 7.

Fast forward to when I would have children of my own.... 

I used my old childhood idea to give them something fun to do in the cold winter months.  Only with my kids, I didn't use butter.... I got smart and used soap.  We'd make the floor as slippery as we could, just thick with lather, and then drench the floor.  It was a total win/win because they had the time of their life with "indoor skating" and when they were done, I had a sparkling clean floor.  

Who says old dreams have to die?  When they're good, they find their way back around somehow. ;)
-Alicia

Makes Me Smile

I danced around the kitchen making dinner preparations.  Onions were simmering on the stove while the rest of the ingredients were spread across the counter in what I call "organized chaos." Tuned into my favorite songs, I peeled and chopped one vegetable and then peeled and chopped another, so engrossed in my music that I didn't care about the monotony. The girls were playing at the edge of the table and I could hear them chattering in the background.  I wasn't paying attention to their game until I heard Kaylee shout, "But mom!!"  She sat despondently tucked in at the table's end staring down a small bowl of peppercinis.  Miriam wiped her hands on a dishtowel and insisted wisely, "You need to eat the food that is good for you."  I realized that when Kaylee had shouted my name she wasn't talking to me but to her "pretend mom."  This was going to be interesting. I turned down my music just enough to inconspicuously listen in on their dialog as I continued peeling and chopping.

"I don't like this stuff, it's gross," Kaylee continued to protest. "I want a cookie!"

"First you need to eat that.... and this too." Miriam placed a bowl of peas next to the one with peppercinis.

Kaylee pretended to sob as she dangled a pinch disgustedly in front of her face.
Her acting was quite good.... a little too good.  I couldn't help wonder how many times my "drama queen" had duped her real mother.
"What game are you guys playing?" I asked.
Miriam responded, as she opened the fridge for more vegetables, "Healthy Mom."
I busted up laughing, "That's the name of your game, Healthy Mom?"
I couldn't help wonder if this role-play was some sort of psychotherapy coping method they had conjured up for the trauma of facing so many dreaded vegetables.

Yesterday morning, my husband and Micah were eating their breakfast as I studied from my books.  Something triggered the memory of the girls game the day before and I began to tell the story to Joseph. Listening in, Micah interjected, "Yeah, I know that game.  It's called Healthy Mom."  His statement made me laugh even harder.  I didn't realize it was so popular.
Every child's world of imagination must have a hero and a villain. The question is: which one am I... the hero or villain?
Either way, it makes me smile.

-Alicia

The View From Here :)

I love the little apartment where I live!  I've loved it since the first time I set foot in it - It felt like home to me.  It's funny because never in my wildest imagination did I think I would say something like that about a run-down place like this, especially in my late 30's married for nearly 16 yrs and having four children.  I imagined at this time in my life I'd be living in a nice little cozy house with a fenced back-yard, a large front porch just like my grandma used to have, a tire swing hanging from a tree, and a huge garden full of fresh vegetables.  

So what is it that I love about our little place if there is none of this?  It's the location.  

I have my very best friend who lives a block and a half up the street from me, I have the perfect place for skate parties and BBQ's with all my neighbors in the south parking lot, there are events, concerts, and celebrations within walking distance from my doorstep, and so much more. 

Also, from the inside of my apartment I have the perfect view of three things: Timp, the Y, and the Angel Moroni. -  

All of the north widows of my little apartment frame in Mt. Timpanogos perfectly: I will never forget the first time I hiked to the summit of that mountain.  Out our east window I can see the Y:  The first six-and-a-half years of living here in Provo, I'd stare out that window in a dream and wonder when my chance for attending BYU would come.  It came sooner than I thought and I'm living that dream now.  From the view of my kitchen window, I can see the Angel Moroni:  He stands with regal splendor upon the spire of a building that testifies of redemption, renewal, resurrection, and second chances. The view of these three things serve as symbols to me of my past, present, and future.  

Yesterday morning, I hiked the Y with my dear friend, Suzanne.  From the view up there we could see four temples in this gorgeous valley.  Four temples!!  Payson, City Center, Provo, and Timponogos. How richly blessed we are!  Last night in my prayers, I thanked my Father in Heaven for giving me such a wonderful life.  I have a great relationship with my husband, we love each other and enjoy the simplicity of being together.  We have four of the coolest kids who ever walked the face of this earth.  We live in the best ward and have the finest leaders.  We are surrounded by amazing family and friends who we love dearly and they love us, and we have this Gospel, the True Gospel of Jesus Christ.  I couldn't be happier.  God is good, so very very good.  The view from here is sweet.  This is my home!!

-Alicia

Holding on to Peter Pan

Yesterday, I watched my 10-year-old son, Micah, with amusement as he played music from Pirates of the Caribbean and decked himself out with scraps of clothing to resemble official pirate garb.  He constructed his ship by gathering chairs from the kitchen into the living room and carefully assembled them so all the backs were facing outward and the seats combined made a solid bed.  His treasure maps were made from the sides of brown paper bags crumpled several times over to make them look aged.   A rope tied around a 10 lb exercise dumbbell dragging over the side became the perfect anchor.  He proudly climbed into his ship as if he were to set sail and then stopped himself, quickly running to the computer to change the music.  "What are you looking up?" I asked him.  "You'll see," he said.  I couldn't stay to watch because I had to run my daughter, Miriam, to the school she attends once a week.

I wasn't gone long and returned to find Micah still playing.  Now, the living room was full of the sound of "relaxing ocean waves." (Apparently there's a YouTube video that plays this for ten straight hours. Who knew?) On the computer screen was a photograph of a distant island floating at sea.  Micah was perched at the edge of the chairs like a captain at the helm and surveyed the tiny island carefully with his periscope.  Kaylee sat "in the ship" proud to be along for the adventure. A bandanna was loosely tied around her head, making her the prettiest pirate I've ever seen.  The magic of it all had captured her too.

Their imaginations filled me with a longing to be a child again.  Marveling at the enchanted pirate world Micah had created, I thought of Peter Pan and smiled.  My heart prayed for my kids, "I hope you never grow up and never lose your sense of wonder."

I regret that I didn't capture this moment with pictures but I guess it's alright because I'm capturing it now with words.

However, a few days earlier Micah made a flying machine and I did get some pictures and videos of that.  :)

-Alicia

B-egging

The other day my three younger kids all came to me complaining that they were bored and insisted that the only possible remedy for their doldrums was more "screen time."  They know how much I can't stand them spending hours watching YouTube or playing computer games. I'm very strict against it, maybe a little too strict... but I'd rather "err on the side of caution."

"Mom, we are so bored!" "Yeah, this day is dumb."
"If you're bored, why don't you try a board game?"
They didn't laugh at my attempt to be punny.  "Mom, that's lame." (I smiled at my own joke.  I like lame.)
"Maybe you could go outside and skate or ride your bikes?"
"It's too hot outside, Mom!"  "Yeah, we'll die out there."
"Well, if you are really desperate for something to do... I could give you some jobs around the house. I've got lots of them." They slouched and rolled their eyes in unison. (All the parents know how well that trick works.)
I suggested Legos, sculpting, reading... and math (I couldn't help it... that last one just slipped out.)
They were beginning to lose their patience and the tone of their voices became more elevated at me and at each other.
I opened the fridge to put some containers away and then remembered I had just boiled a bunch of eggs.  I took them out and handed them to the kids.  Here's something!  Go get my colored permanent markers and decorate these.  Smiles returned to their faces, they grabbed the eggs from me and ran off excitedly.
"Hmm, who knew?" I sighed in relief, glad I found something that interested them.  "That should hold them for a few minutes at least."
They went to work doodling faces.  Soon ideas began to flow and they had out all the pipe cleaners, hot glue, cotton balls, and googly eyes.  When I suggested decorating, I didn't expect this...  But it was perfect because they now had characters to pretend and act out stories. They giggled and laughed  for over two and a half hours as they played with their "new toys."

 I'll admit that there are times  I've "cracked" under the pressure of my kids begging and pleading for more screen time.  But this time I didn't and I'm so glad.  The results were "eggs"traordinary! ;)

-Alicia

Here's a few more pictures of my awesome creative kids...

Micah's Military Camp

Miriam's "Brain Enchant-O-Tron"

Micah's Stop Annimation

Long Live the Young At Heart

"You will experience greater joy in life as you eradicate adult-onset pessimism and substitute childlike optimism. Optimism is a virtue that allows us to see God’s loving hand in the details of our life. " - Anthony D. Perkins (Oct. 2006 Conference "The Great and Wonderful Love")

There's a magic to holding on to the inner child, to never losing that sense of wonder and excitement for life.  The spirit of play and optimism sets the soul free from its mortal shell in brilliant radiance.  Its illuminating fire is contagious as it ignites in the reflection of the eyes of all who capture it.

Run wild, live free, love strong!!

-Alicia

"Long Live"
by, For King and Country

If you’re playing that drum but you got no rhythm

If you’re a little out of key but you’re always singing

If you’re so carefree but so not careless

Such a wreck, but ain't love wreck-less

If you’re listening I hope you hear this

Long live the young at heart

You know who you are

With your spirit burning

Take a risk and take a chance

Carry on

Long live the soul set free

Don't be afraid to dream

While the world’s still turning

Every moment, make it happen

With two left feet

Keep on dancing

Beat by beat

Breath by breath

Walking hand in hand

Step by step

With drop of faith and childlike wonder

You can weather the lighting, you can brave the thunder

No road map, but keep on running

No parachute, but keep on jumping

Oh, I think you might be onto something

Beat by beat

Breath by breath

Walking hand in hand

Step by step

Here and now

Day by day

Won’t let this memory slip away

Every moment, make it happen

With two left feet

Keep on dancing

Beat by beat

Breath by breath

Walking hand in hand

Step by step