Steady as she goes!

This last week of summer vacation, our family is going to spend a couple days hiking, camping, kayaking and rafting with the Nimer family. This is our last push for making fun memories before all our schedules go crazy after school starts.

Provo's district starts on the 15th this month.  I'll have two kids in high school now! (Well... part-time high school). Chanlder and  Miriam really like the idea of being homeschooled with their core classes and taking their extracurricular on campus. So, every-other-day I still get to have all my kids home. :)

I start school up again at BYU on the 5th of September. I'm taking a nutrition and wellness class that's twice a week, early in the morning. I'm keeping my schedule light because of foster care. I just never know when we're going to get "bonus kids" or how long they will stay.  There's always a bit of necessary adjusting after the first few days and nights of a new placement.

Every new school year, I feel like I'm jumping in to a big ocean of unknowns and changes. Every year is so different from the last. Challenges will present themselves through trying to balance the kid's school, my school, Joseph's work, Chandler's new job, foster care, and my church calling.  I read this quote this morning and think it's a good reminder amid all the scheduling:

It can be tricky trying to take things slowly in our daily hectic schedules. But remember the story of the tortoise and the hare? "Slow and steady wins the race." Speaking of "steady," I read a verse in Helaman 15:8 today that talks about freedom resulting from being "firm and steadfast in the faith". 

President Uchdorf put it another way, "If life and its rushed pace and many stresses have made it difficult for you to feel like rejoicing, then perhaps now is a good time to refocus on what matters most.

Strength comes not from frantic activity but from being settled on a firm foundation of truth and light. It comes from placing our attention and efforts on the basics of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. It comes from paying attention to the divine things that matter most."

The pressures of daily living, raising a family, work, school, service in the community and church, can feel like tumultuous ocean waves beating upon us. There's a old nautical phrase the sailors say, "steady as she goes." Steady. Steadfast. Keep the course of what matters most.

Basically, as long as I make sure to always slow down enough to make time for my daily spiritual nourishment and the daily spiritual nourishment of my family, I can feel peace in the middle of a storm.

President Ezra Taft Benson testified that, "When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities."

-Alicia

Finding Connection

This past week has been so full of ups and downs; some rich, full, and happy experiences - and other experiences that fill my heart with sorrow.  I woke up this morning feeling restless. I thought that maybe by writing out some of it, I could sort through it.

I spent last Thursday through Saturday on a Sister's Retreat with six of Joseph's sisters and my mother-in-law.  We usually have some sort of retreat together once a year. This year we rented a house in Salt Lake. We went out to dinner, we hiked, we played games, and had a really cool sharing night where we Skyped with Joseph's other sister, Ann. The sharing night to me is really like a church testimony meeting. We each come prepared to share a "life-lesson" with each other and they almost always involve some lesson that has helped us grow closer to our Father in Heaven and to our loved ones.

I think of the family support I was blessed with from marrying Joseph, blessed with seven beautiful sisters who fill my heart and give me a sense of being anchored in something stable. I'm filled with gratitude and pride for the choice I made to become a Rawlins.

All of my sisters-in-law are very aware of Joseph's battle with depression his whole life. They are aware of the more severe trenches he's pulled through... and they're aware that he's in a pretty deep one right now. They shared with me their same feelings of being at a loss of what to do. As one solution, we did come up with working out some sort of annual Brother's Retreat for Joseph and Jason.

Joseph needs support in this new neighborhood too. He's not connecting with any of his ecclesiastical leaders and hasn't made any friends. He has never been one to have lots of deep relationships though. He is much more introverted and really shows little interest in making close friends. He has one friend, Ryan, he met at BYU that he bonds with really well, but Ryan lives in Oregon now -At least the two of them call and write each other every week. I'm so glad Joseph has that support.

It just feels like it's been a while, a couple years maybe since Joseph has been depressed for this long. When he gets like this, he isolates himself, closes off emotionally and physically. It gets a little lonely because he's here... but he's not here... it's almost like living with a ghost - we pass each other and I walk right through him.

I've been very concerned. Through the years, I've learned it doesn't help to ask him to express what's on his mind, it only makes him more frustrated. A couple days ago, I had to pry him open though, just barely enough to make sure he wasn't feeling suicidal at all, to know he wasn't in the red zone again. It took him a while to answer but he finally said that he wasn't suicidal, he just didn't want to live a long life. I hope he lives a long life for my sake. I need him. I can't imagine spending the last twenty years of my life alone!

I had a glimmer of hope for him yesterday. He seemed happier than usual, at least happier than he's been in a long time. I think seeing family and old friends helped perk him up. We spent the evening with my best friend, Suzanne's family and our other old neighbors, the Prices. It was good for him. I want to find ways to get him out more - maybe he needs a trip for a week with his best friend, Ryan?

Speaking of old friends, I had a wonderful time Monday night going to our old neighborhood's block party. I brought my niece Alexa, her boyfriend, and her boyfriend's family. There must have been over 400 people at the party! I loved seeing so many faces of people who had also moved away from our old neighborhood. It was so good to see them again: We played. We hugged. We talked. We danced -It was the highlight of my year so far. Do you ever wish you had the power to stop time? There are some moments in life I never want to end. Moments like these spent connecting and re-connecting with people I love, even if they don't come that often, make me want to live a very long life.

But time moves on... and you try to make the most of the dull parts in-between. Maybe that's it. I think I woke up this morning just feeling a little sad. There are so many people I miss. So many at the party I didn't get a chance to talk with, to connect to.

I love what Herman Melville said about human connection,“We cannot live only for ourselves. A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men; and among those fibers, as sympathetic threads, our actions run as causes, and they come back to us as effects.”

I'm grateful for my new calling in the church. I know it is a blessing in disguise because it will help me create the connections I so desperately need to make in this new ward - connections that will help me heal from or even forget my own heartaches. I have felt the blessings pour into my life already from reaching out to my sisters in this ward. I'm realizing that there are a whole lot of hearts quietly hurting, so many hearts who need to be nurtured and noticed. I'm anxious to pull them into my own... and grow together.

“Spirituality is recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion. Practicing spirituality brings a sense of perspective, meaning and purpose to our lives.”
― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

-Alicia

No Matter Where We Go

Chandler hasn't said a lot about this move.  He spends most of his time with headphones on listening to his music.  I catch a glimpse of myself as I've observed over the years how he takes such a deep interest in finding the right song for every occasion.  I can't help but think it's a "love language" for him too.

Recently, he's been playing this one by Andy Grammer.  The lyrics sing, "No matter where we go, we'll always find our way back home."  It's caught on with all the kids and has become the most requested since Chandler discovered it two weeks ago.  That line from the song is stuck in our heads now and it's absolutely perfect for the occasion!

Chandler doesn't express it but he's aching with the thought of having to leave this neighborhood, I know he is.  We all are. But we find comfort in knowing that nothing needs to stop us from our  desire to stay.  We can find ways... and make ways to return.  We have family here, brothers and sisters we love so very much!!

Thank you, Chandler, for the music! It speaks right to my heart.

"We won't forget where we came from
The city won't change us
We beat to the same drum...
No matter where we go, we always find our way back home."

-Alicia

A Day in the Life

I spent most of yesterday just boxing and organizing the kids rooms.  It has felt really good to finally go through things and sort out what we can get rid of.  I've secretly wanted to have a good strong purge of all our stuff before our foster kids were placed with us and this forced-move has been a wish granted in that way.

We looked at a house last night that we made an offer on.  It's not "far away in the west".  It's actually east... about nine blocks east and five blocks south.  But when you're a Mormon living in Utah that means a completely new Ward and Stake.  I actually think it could be in the Ward my dear friend, Lou Crandall, attends.  He said he has been so worried about me since he heard the news and has been praying for me every day, praying that we can stay close.   It's his 87th birthday today.  I wish he were doing well.  His health has been fading this past week and he is very sick.  He's been in and out of the hospital.  I called to send him birthday wishes.  He could barely talk...   I certainly hope he pulls through.

Today has been good so far.  My younger brother called and we talked for a while.  I love it when Kenneth calls.  He's such a good guy.  He and his wife will be having their second child soon, Lily will finally have a little brother.  Kenneth told me all about the housing market in Texas and tried to convince me to move down there.  It would be so nice to be close to him. Chances are that will never happen though... but I'm so glad he and I can spend hours talking on the phone catching up with each other.

My best friend, Suzanne, took me out to lunch this afternoon.  She said when she found out that we were having to move it seemed as if her heart dropped like a lead ball into her stomach.  I said I felt the same way.  We talked for some time about what a great area this is.  The people here are our family, we have made strong bonds and deep attachments with them! Of course talking about how much we both love this place caused the tears to well up in my eyes again and I had to use all my Zupa napkins like Kleenexes.  Maybe the people around me didn't notice or maybe they just thought, "Dang! That must be some spicy peanut sauce!"

Joseph and Micah made me a balloon chandelier today that is quite hilarious to look at. Even when they were making it, I could hear them giggling about how it was turning out. I can't decide which I enjoyed more, eavesdropping on their surprise or the actual surprise.  It adds a nice circus atmosphere to the maze of boxes in our chaotic fun house.

My friend, Vanessa, sent me a text today.  I called her back and caught her during her lunch break. It's been about a year since we talked over the phone.   I discovered that everything she holds dear in her life is completely falling apart. She cried and cried and my heart broke for her.  She apologized for speaking so much about herself.  I reassured her that she needed to.  She needed to confide in someone and I was glad to be a sounding board.  It made me appreciate how easy my life is.  At that moment, I wished I could move to Leeds, Utah just to wrap my arms around her.  We decided that as soon as I am able, I'm going to take her for a nice beach vacation in Monterrey .

Tonight, Joseph and I rode the motorcycle and went out to eat, just the two of us.  Does anyone else get bugged by restaurants that have 20 T.V. screens going at once?  What does that say about our society's screen addiction?  I feel like people don't know how to talk face-to-face anymore.  Still, we were able to tune out the media madness for the most part and have some great conversation.

Speaking of media though... there is a time and a place for it.  I must admit that we both really love a good show.  When we returned home from our dinner date, Joseph asked if I had any movie requests.  "Well, I can think of one that never grows old to me. Plus, it's perfect as we get ready for the next adventure of our lives and step out into the unknown."
He agreed.

Watching Mitty, for me, was the perfect ending for the day. I'm forever grateful for the lives that have touched mine.  Especially those whose influence inspires me so much more than they know.

"To see the world, things dangerous to come, 

to see behind walls, draw closer, 

to find each other, and to feel. 

That is the purpose of life.” 

-Alicia ;)

Not letting go!

I can't sleep. Normally, sleep is never an issue for me.  I must be having such a hard time with this move.  I so desperately do not want to leave this place that I love so very, very much!

We've decided that we don't want to rent anymore, we just want our own home.  If we do rent again, it could only be for a very short time, a month-to-month, because we are anxious to have a permanent place for our foster children.  Any kind of move would mean they would be absorbed back into the hands of others in the foster community until we had a home that has been officially evaluated and meets State regulations for being foster ready. (A process which can take several weeks maybe months.) We've decided that foster care will have to be on hold until we find a permanent place to avoid any additional disruption in these children's lives.  But foster kids or not, it's just a massive hassle to move from here to a temporary location, only to move again.

My husband and I have lived five other places since we were first married... it's been so nice to stay here as long as we have.  If it weren't for the struggles we've had with our landlady, we could live here forever.

Saturday evening we spent a lot of time searching online for homes, condos, or town-homes (anything a little larger than what we have here).  We won't give up the search but it seems that nothing large enough for our family is under $200K in our ward. We had a special fast as a family yesterday, even our friends, the Wilsons, fasted together for us. My friend, Carol, called me and advised me to stay close to the Spirit and to not narrow my options to just this ward or Stake but to seek first where the Lord would have us be.  She is a wise woman and I'm so glad for the day I miraculously met her.  We will have no problems staying in close touch.

Yesterday in church, we had so many friends offer to help us and I kept feeling this mixture of gratitude, joy, pain, sorrow, and loss.  One moment I'd be smiling and the next I'd have tears streaming down my face.

I want to do all I can to stay connected to this place I call home.  The visits may be fewer and farther between but I could never leave this beautiful place completely: No, not after what I've experienced and not after the dreams I've had.   To disconnect completely would be too much for my soul to bear.  This will be tough no matter what but I can see myself dancing my way through it. ;) I pray there will be lots of dances.  This place I call home has changed my life, my whole world, everything!!  It cannot be forgotten.  It has "awakened me out of a deep sleep".  It helped me remember my mission, my dreams, and all I want to become.  I am forever grateful!

I will continue on with BYU: I will not let go and I'll continue to reach for my dream that I've had for so many years of being an inspiring writer and speaker.  Down the road, I can envision myself taking my words and using them as a tool to be a powerful advocate, a voice for the importance of the family, especially for children, for foster children, and defender of the sanctity of life.  I am confident that my experiences in the future with both formal education and fostering will help to make my voice heard loud and clear in the courthouses, in the schools, and in the communities.  There are many good things to come.
Just watch and see....
I'm gonna Carpe this Diem!!!

-Alicia :)

.

Call it what it is...

We have an amazing Father in Heaven and I can't explain how but I know He is real, that He is the Father of each of us, that He hears, He sees, He understands, and He knows all.

Personally, I've experienced answers to prayers more numerous these past couple of years than I can begin to describe; situations, parallels, and connections that are far too many to be coincidental. And even though I may not see the bigger picture and have a full vision of its purpose at this moment in my life, it has strengthened my faith and I am grateful.

I know we can receive Divine assistance and heavenly help.  I know we are not alone even when we feel as if there isn't a single soul who understands.  We can have mysteries unfolded.  Answers will come line upon line... and I'm slowly learning patience, the kind of patience that is okay with not knowing "why" until my life is over.  Every heartache, every struggle only draws me to my knees in deeper, more soulful prayer.

To some who know "my story," it might seem crazy or impossible - but the more that has been revealed... I'm compelled to call it what it really is: A miracle!

Yeah, I'm a believer!
-Alicia

A Preparatory Temple

I had the opportunity of attending both the 9:00 and the 3:00 dedication services of the Provo City Center Temple in March.  I took a notebook with me to write down my thoughts and impressions from all who spoke.

The talk that struck me the most during the 9:00 session was Elder Oaks.  He began his address referring to another Temple in our church history that had risen from the ashes, the Nauvoo Temple.  He spoke of it as being a preparatory temple for those pioneer saints to face the difficult journey ahead of them.  It had just been completed when the persecution against the Church grew so intense that they were forced to leave their beautiful Nauvoo.

In his talk Elder Oaks likened the Provo City Center to the Nauvoo Temple saying that it would also be a preparatory temple for the struggles we would face in these last days.  In order to press through the hardships and trials of our day, he encouraged us to re-dedicate our lives to the building of Zion.  He testified of the ability to access heavenly power by doing temple work for our ancestors and also learning their stories.

Along this principle of building up the kingdom of God and establishing Zion in such a contentious day and age, Elder Oaks quoted from Abraham Lincoln's first inaugural address, "Though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory, stretching from every battlefield and patriot grave to every living heart and hearthstone all over this broad land, will yet swell the chorus of the Union, when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature." (I especially loved that Elder Oaks quoted this because it was something I had just written about 2-and-a-half weeks prior to the dedication.)

He emphasized that this "union" would be bound by the "mystic chords of memory" the stories of our loved ones, our ancestors, those in our family who have passed away.  He promised that as we learn and share their stories of faith, their personal testimonies, their struggles, and their triumphs, we will be "touched... by the better angels of our nature."  This very simple act of turning and connecting to the faith our forefathers and foremothers will not only soften our hearts and help us connect, instill unity, and increase our affection for one another in our family... but also in our community.

This past year, I have studied the life and stories of my 3rd great grandfather, William Wall (on my dad's side) and my great aunt Sylvia (on my mom's side).  Their stories of faith have astonished me.  I had no idea the kinds of things they had to persevere and press through.  They were every bit as brave and valiant as the prophets of old.  A great spirit of reverence and respect has instilled upon my heart for these ancestors of mine.  Even more wonderful, is that through reading their records I have felt their presence very clearly in my life...
I have felt the presence of angels... Something I think we are ALL going to need... for what lies ahead. (2 Kings 6:16)

-Alicia

Sunrise

“Grace shall be as your day”—what an interesting phrase. We have all sung it hundreds of times, but have we stopped to consider what it means? “Grace shall be as your day”: grace shall be like a day. As dark as night may become, we can always count on the sun coming up. As dark as our trials, sins, and mistakes may appear, we can always have confidence in the grace of Jesus Christ. Do we earn a sunrise? No. Do we have to be worthy of a chance to begin again? No. We just have to accept these blessings and take advantage of them. As sure as each brand-new day, grace—the enabling power of Jesus Christ—is constant. Faithful pioneers knew they were not alone. The task ahead of them was never as great as the power behind them." - Brad Wilcox

Feeling Grace

"Warm rays of sunlight stream down upon me and dance across my face.

Darkness is dispelled as the morning breaks.

I breathe in the crisp refreshing air that follows a summer rain.

I smile.

I breathe deep again.

I feel blessed, I feel free.

I am home.

A new day has arrived,

I am rested and renewed.

Hope is alive,

It pulses through my veins.

There is nothing I fear,

I am safe here.

And it's only the beginning..."

By, Alicia Rawlins 2009

Understanding the Pain of Separation

I've made a goal to buckle down and work on my Young Women's Personal Progress.  I've chosen every Tuesday morning to be my day for this.  It's pretty easy to record online and I can enter my journal notes right there on the website.  As young women leaders, we're all going to take turns letting the girls know how our own progress is going and we hope it will inspire them to keep moving on theirs.

This morning, I spent some time studying about the Atonement and the Plan of Salvation.  In the church, these are fundamental doctrines we have learned over and over our entire lives.  With the frequency of these topics, it might be easy to lose interest but I was really grateful to take a moment, read the scriptures related, and reflect on a couple of questions.  "How does the knowledge of these teachings affect my actions, help me understand my identity, and strengthen my faith?"

Understanding that we are literal spirit children of God, that we lived with Him before we came to earth, that we knew each other, is an incredibly amazing teaching.  It's unique to the Restored Gospel but I believe that there are many outside the church who have been given a sense of this great truth:

"We are not human beings having a spiritual experience. We are spiritual beings having a human experience." -Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations - these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit - immortal horrors or everlasting splendors.” 
― C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

Our spirits are eternal in nature.  This tangible light has a life-span we cannot comprehend. Joseph Smith expounded in his King Follett Sermon;

"I want to reason more on the spirit of man; for I am dwelling on the body and spirit of man—on the subject of the dead. I take my ring from my finger and liken it unto the mind of man—the immortal part, because it had no beginning. Suppose you cut it in two; then it has a beginning and an end; but join it again, and it continues one eternal round. So with the spirit of man. As the Lord liveth, if it had a beginning, it will have an end. All the fools and learned and wise men from the beginning of creation, who say that the spirit of man had a beginning, prove that it must have an end; and if that doctrine is true, then the doctrine of annihilation would be true. But if I am right, I might with boldness proclaim from the housetops that God never had the power to create the spirit of man at all. God himself could not create himself.

Intelligence is eternal and exists upon a self-existent principle. It is a spirit from age to age and there is no creation about it. All the minds and spirits that God ever sent into the world are susceptible of enlargement."

God is an eternal being, we are all eternal beings.  God is all about gathering, about "oneness", about togetherness.  Even when we speak of being separated from God, it is not His undoing but our own.  He is not the one who severs ties, who divides relationships, or breaks apart - these are things that exist in the physical and temporal realm.  And those who never learn to live by and receive Christ's spirit will be bound to this physical and temporal plane of existence.

This must be why there is pain in separation, because such an experience flows completely contrary to our Divine nature.  Nevertheless, it is a necessary part of our growth and learning.  Everything that hurts us, that is painful, ministers to our mortal education here on earth. But with the Gospel lens of truth, we have a glimpse of Heaven and we are given strength to endure.

"Though otherwise 'lively,' hope stands quietly with us at funerals. Our tears are just as wet, but not because of despair. Rather, they are tears of appreciation evoked by poignant separation. They will change, erelong, to tears of glorious anticipation. Yet the emptiness is so real and so restless it initiates a retroactive inventory of what is now so painfully missing, doing so, however, while forecasting fulness and resplendent reunion!" - Neal A. Maxwell

"When such a friend from us departs,
We hold forever in our hearts
A sweet and hallowed memory,
Bringing us nearer, Lord, to thee." - Hymn #293

We could try to numb ourselves and pretend there is no ache, no pain when we are separated from those we love but such an attempt would only prove to dull the Divine attributes inherent within us and thwart our progress.

"Moreover, we can’t fully appreciate joyful reunions later without tearful separations now. The only way to take sorrow out of death (or separation) is to take love out of life." - Elder Russell M. Nelson

We find hope in Christ, knowing that He has bridged the gulf of the great divide and through His great atoning sacrifice, there is no such thing as the end, there is no such thing as separation, no more farewells and no more goodbyes.  We find our our way "home" in eternal principles.

"There is no end to matter; There is no end to space; There is no end to spirit; There is no end to race. There is no end to virtue; There is no end to might; There is no end to wisdom; There is no end to light. There is no end to union; There is no end to youth; There is no end to priesthood; There is no end to truth. There is no end to glory; There is no end to love; There is no end to being; There is no death above. There is no end to glory; There is no end to love; There is no end to being; There is no death above."

-Alicia

Guardian Angels - Ponderize - Week 14

"Isn't faith believing

All power can't be seen..."

The first Sunday of this year started off in a wonderful way.  I've been thinking about guardian angels in my life. They are as real on earth as they are in heaven, though it takes faith to believe it.

I imagine that the angels we can't see view us much like someone looking through a glass window from an upper room.  We don't have any real proof they see us but we still somehow sense their benevolent watch. They hear us and observe quietly, yet most often from our vantage point, we can neither hear nor observe them in return.

Sometimes, they feel much closer to me than behind the glass of a distant window and I wonder how this is possible.  It's more like how the energy of the sun touches me: I can feel its warmth even though it's 93 million miles away.  The rays penetrate deep inside me from the top of my head clear down to my feet.  Such a presence is so close that it's undeniable!  I feel the sun though I cannot touch it.  I am comforted and content knowing that this beautiful radiant light will always be there in my sky even when it has set beyond the horizon and my eyes are dimmed by the dark of night.  Then, I will look up into the ocean of stars and see that the sun has not passed away, it has not diminished or faded.  Rather, it has multiplied beyond number in glorious splendor.

"Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them." - 2 Kings 6:16

-Alicia

"Let me be real!"

My sweet friend, Ramona, shared this story with me.  This is perfect!  It was well worth the time it took to listen to it.  Of course I was in a puddle of tears while I watched.  This is absolutely beautiful.  I appreciate the story of Joseph, Mary, and Christ "being real."  It connected deeply with me and was so refreshing to hear:

"The reason I came, the reason I was sent was to be real, to feel everything you've felt, to know everything you need because I needed it too, to hurt like you hurt, to cry like you've cried, laugh like you've laughed, skin my knee like you've skinned your knee, and have my heart broken like your heart has been broken.  I came so that one day or one winter night, when you come face to face with your defeat, your moment of absolute need, you can say, 'You know this too.  Be with me and lead me through it.' And I will." - Baby Jesus (A Walk One Winter Night - by, Al Andrews)

(This year for our Christmas Eve book, I've purchased a favorite of mine for 20 years, "The Tale of Three Trees" by, Angela Elwell Hunt.)  

Next Christmas Eve, this book Ramona showed me will be the book I buy for my family.  

Since this is a story about a Nativity scene, these are a few from my home and from the past:

..........................

Our traditional family Luke 2 reading on Christmas Eve with my siblings.
 Guess which one is me?

Me with my Joseph 2013

Miriam sculpted and painted this cute little nativity out of polymer clay.

Nativity Kaylee made in her primary class.

Micah's popsicle stick nativity.

My cousin Elizabeth (Liz) has made me a couple of these.  Kaylee's middle name is Elizabeth, named after my beautiful cousin and my dad's mother (it was her middle name).  

Our olive wood nativity we bought in the streets of Bethlehem 2007.

To close this post, enjoy this song that goes with the book. 

Nichole Nordeman "REAL."  

Again, thank you, Ramona! This one will definitely join my list of favorites.

Merry Christmas!!
Keepin' it Real!

-Alicia

The Gift of Listening

Once, I heard it said that when others listen to us it stirs creativity in our minds and hearts and inspires us to soar to greater heights.  I know I heard this somewhere and I should have written it down because I've searched and searched for the exact quote but can't find it now.  But in the process of searching, I found some other quotes that follow along the same line.

How grateful I am for those who listen!  I don't think they realize how much it motivates me just knowing that my voice is heard. It gives my words a destination, a place to rest, to belong to, and be held... instead of floating aimlessly in space.

These three quotes express this sentiment more clearly than I could on my own:

"What we call poetry does not simply set the heart free spontaneously, emerging when one is overwhelmed.  A simple recitation of a song when one is deeply moved does not make one cheerful, and does not bring sufficient satisfaction to that person.  Therefore, one finds consolation by making others listen to his song.  When others listen and they are moved, then one's heart brightens up considerably.... When we enquire about the origins of poetry, we see that it is crucial for poetry to have someone listen to and be moved by it.  The original nature of poetry is to provide words with patterns and to make them last long with the voice... There is no better way for someone to cheer up than by knowing that others have listened to his poem and have been moved by it.  If the listener is not moved, one's heart will hardly be set free." -  Norinaga Motoori

“When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand. Ideas actually begin to grow within us and come to life...It makes people happy and free when they are listened to." ― Brenda Uelande

"Writers are listeners as well as observers – not just to their own souls and the heartbeat of the world, but to the souls of others as well.  Listen to the world, and it will listen back." - Susan Hodgetts

To those who read this: with all my heart, thank you for listening!!
Today, I will strive to be a better listener to everyone around me than I was yesterday.
-Alicia

Christ-in-us = Christmas

I've never been one who enjoys shopping, especially Christmas shopping.  I'm grateful for the internet because it cuts down the hassle immensely.... no crowds, no lines, and the whole "grabby" consumer atmosphere.   Now, I really do enjoy buying presents for other people but I prefer giving gifts that have meaning, that spark happy memories. I struggle when it feels like all I'm giving is just more "things."

"Come, my brethren, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters; and he that hath no money, come buy and eat; yea, come buy wine and milk without money and without price.  Wherefore, do not spend money for that which is of no worth, nor your labor for that which cannot satisfy." - 2 Nephi 9:50, 51

This isn't an official Christmas song but as I listen to it, I think of this little math equation (Chirst-in-us = Christmas).  It's so very true.  I treasure deep connection with friends and family.  This is what truly makes me happy and it just can't ever be bought from a store or stuffed under a tree.  It only happens when we all take our personal journey's to become one with Christ and in doing so we connect deeper with each other.

Earlier this week I found this quote from President James E. Faust that I think fits perfectly with the equation I've been pondering:

"We all enjoy giving and receiving presents. But there is a difference between presents and gifts. The true gifts may be part of ourselves—giving of the riches of the heart and mind—and therefore more enduring and of far greater worth than presents bought at the store.

Of course, among the greatest of gifts is the gift of love.... He whose birth we celebrate has told us that all of the law and the prophets is contained in loving God and our fellowmen. James called this 'the royal law' (James 2:8). The Apostle Paul said, 'To know the love of Christ … passeth knowledge' (Eph. 3:19). In the First Epistle of John we are told, 'Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God' (1 Jn. 4:7).

....The message of this season that is applicable throughout the year lies not in the receiving of earthly presents and treasures but in the forsaking of selfishness and greed and in going forward, seeking and enjoying the gifts of the Spirit, which Paul said are 'love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance: against such there is no law' (Gal. 5:22–23)." - President James E. Faust - Dec. 2001

Happy Holidays my friends!  "Let us love one another: for love is of God" This is Christ in us... this is Christmas.
-Alicia

"Glory in the Lord" - Ponderize - Week 9

What a wonderful Family Night tonight!  I invited a brother, Alex Balinski, from our ward to come and teach our children about his website preparetoserve.com and his youtube channel with stories and testimonies from returned missionaries.

Living in this student area, there's a lot of change over, a lot of move-in's and move-out's.  It provides a wonderful opportunity to meet hosts of amazing people and soak up all the good they have to offer.  There is so much talent, so much heart and soul here. truly a gathering of Zion's finest.

I felt strengthened and inspired with every missionary story Alex shared with us tonight.  I think this one was my favorite:

I could listen to stories like these all day!  These are the things that sustain me.  I love that we have the opportunity to witness to one another about the truth and reality of a Father in Heaven who hears and answers prayers, who knows us all so deeply and is involved in the tiniest details of our lives.

So, with this fresh in my heart... this is my verse to ponderize for the week:

"Who can glory too much in the Lord? Yea, who can say too much of his great power, and of his mercy, and of his long-suffering towards the children of men? Behold, I say unto you, I cannot say the smallest part which I feel." - Alma 26:16

-Alicia

I Never Imagined!

I have three wonderful nephews serving missions right now.  My nephew, Bryson, serving in Mexico shared in his recent letter this new song from David Archuleta.  It's a song about Family History sung in Spanish.  

Now I probably only know how to say two sentences in Spanish.  I understand very, very little.  But, I recognized "que hora" "a hora" "ojos mi refelction" "estoy a que" which mean - "When?"  "Now!" "in my eyes a reflection" and "who I am."  Even though these are the only words I understood, the video helps tell the story, the sound of the music is absolutely beautiful, and the power of the message is crystal clear!    

This morning as I watched this video and read my nephew's letter, tears of gratitude streamed down my face for the Temple, for the privilage of searching out my ancestors, for learning their stories, and feeling them surround me in my life.  

In Women's Conference this last Saturday, Sister Carol McConkie quoted Mark Twain when she said, “The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”  I believe we discover our mission, our story, much more quickly as we discover our roots.  

Nunca Pensé means in English "I never thought" or "I never imagined."  I don't believe we truly comprehend the magnificent outpouring of heaven that is waiting to be called down, just waiting to tell their stories and help us discover ours.  I have faith that there are multitudes of angels on the other side watching over us!!  As our hearts turn to them, we open the door and let them in.  There are blessings that await us beyond our wildest dreams.  Those who have gone before already LOVE us and as we genuinely love them in return, we will witness miracles in our life that we could never ever imagine!

This is what it is to call down heaven!!  

"I won't give up if you don't give up... I'm calling all angels." - Cold Play

-Alicia ;)

Angels Among Us

"That's just too much of a coincidence to be a coincidence"

- The Cokeville Miracle

At the end of the credits, the audience applauded and the scripture from 2 Kings projected on the screen:

"Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them." - 2 Kings 6:16

I pointed to the scripture, leaned down to my son, Micah, and said, "Hey, you remember what happened in that scripture story?"
 Micah's friend, Lex, looked over and asked, "What scripture story?"
"It's a really cool one from the Old Testament," I began.
Then Micah interrupted excitedly, "Yeah, it's about a prophet and his servant and they are surrounded by a huge army of their enemies.  The servant is scared and the prophet says a prayer that his eyes would be open.  Then the servant sees a whole ton of angels surrounding the enemy army."
"Wow, cool!" Lex exclaimed wide-eyed.
"Good job, Micah.  I'm impressed!" I said as I patted him on the back.
As we made our way home today, a spirit of gratitude and reverence filled our hearts.  My husband and I shared our personal testimonies of prayer and the reality of angels.

"In 1986 Cokeville made national headlines when a madman and his wife entered the elementary school with guns and bomb. They gathered over 100 children and teachers into a small room, and made a demand: $200 million dollars for the lives of the children - but then the bomb went off... How did a bomb that should have leveled the room take only two lives that day, the madman and his wife? Each child, each adult who made it out of that room has a story to tell. Follow the Sheriff's investigator Ron Hartley as he pieces together the evidence, including stories of prayer and divine intervention from multiple witnesses. Gather the evidence and decide for yourself. Do you see coincidence, or do you see miracles?" - IMDb

I don't know how many theaters or cities this movie has played in but I'm sure it will be available online soon.  What a treat this was to watch today. I highly recommend it!  Both my husband and I agree that it makes us want to search our family history more and get to know those who have gone before us. Malachi promises that in the last days "the hearts of the fathers [and mothers] will turn to their children and the hearts of the children will turn to their fathers [and mothers]."   I truly believe that our ancestors are invested in our lives. It makes me want to be more invested in theirs. I testify that they watch over us and are intimately involved with the details of our every day, probably more so than they ever could have been in their mortal frame.

I know this!

“I believe we move and have our being in the presence of heavenly messengers and of heavenly beings. We are not separate from them. … We are closely related to our kindred, to our ancestors … who have preceded us into the spirit world. We can not forget them; we do not cease to love them; we always hold them in our hearts, in memory, and thus we are associated and united to them by ties that we can not break. … If this is the case with us in our finite condition, surrounded by our mortal weaknesses, … how much more certain it is … to believe that those who have been faithful, who have gone beyond … can see us better than we can see them; that they know us better than we know them. … We live in their presence, they see us, they are solicitous for our welfare, they love us now more than ever. For now they see the dangers that beset us; … their love for us and their desire for our well being must be greater than that which we feel for ourselves. -.Joseph F. Smith, in Conference Report, Apr. 1916, 2–3; see alsoGospel Doctrine, 5th ed. (1939), 430–31.

"In times of special need, [God sends] angels, divine messengers, to bless His children, reassure them that heaven [is] always very close and that His help [is] always very near." - Jeffery R. Holland - (The Ministry of Angels)

"Miracles are a retelling in small letters of the very same story which is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us to see." - C. S. Lewis

-Alicia :)

Keepin' it Real

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out to another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your dreams, ideas before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, and is nothing.
They may avoid suffering and sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live.
 Chained by their certitudes, they are a slave: they have forfeited their freedom.
Only a person who risks is truly free.

– Anonymous

This has been a favorite poem of mine since I was in high school. The part that stands out to me each time I read it is "appearing the fool." Oh, how many times in my life have I made myself look like the biggest fool! It seems to define who I am.

Last fall my friend, Heidi, told me about a Ted-Talk called, "The Power of Vulnerability."  I looked it up to listen to again today.

The concepts Dr. Brown lays out here are comforting because I have often viewed my vulnerability as something to be ashamed of...  but she says that in her studies, she has found over and over again that vulnerability is also the "birthplace of connection" of being whole-hearted and loving more fully.  She says, "In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen."

If being vulnerable is the key to human connection... then I'll take that risk - no matter how many times I might appear the fool.  I value connection so much more than I value my image.

Keep on keepin' on my friends but most importantly.... never be afraid to be real.  It's worth it.

-Alicia (Keepin' it Real)

........

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

- C.S. Lewis