Snapshots

I haven't taken as many photographs from this summer as I would have liked. But here are a few snapshots from the past several days...

We spent a few days last week at East Canyon State Park renting a couple of lake-side cabins with our friends, the Nimers.  Suzanne and I rented a couple of inflatable kayaks to make things a little more fun. 

Joseph and I got up before everyone else the first morning and took off on the first Kayak. We arrived to find Kaylee waiting for a turn. 

I brought along an inflatable pool raft I found at the thrift store. I figured it was worth the $3 just to see if it would work. (Never-mind that it's actually a camping mattress.) 

It could be a pool raft. ;)

Now, I completely regret not getting a picture of  my favorite part about our lake trip with the Nimers, so this image I thugged from google will have to do. It actually resembles almost exactly what we saw, except the moon was a little bigger.

 One of the evenings after we put the kids to bed, when the sky was full of stars, the four of us (Cory, Suzanne, Joseph, and I) snuck back out on the lake in our kayaks. Joseph brought his green lazer pointer and showed us the constellations: Sagittarius (the teapot), Cygnus (southern cross), Scorpius, and others. Then we gazed at the horizon as the glow of the moon began to crest above the mountains - It rose slowly with a brilliant light and the lake shimmered like glass in the reflection.  It was absolutely magical!

A few days ago, I was able to take my parents, Alexa and Connor, and Kaylee to the Missionary Training Center Open House. I made them lunch first and then treated everyone to the Creamery afterward. Alexa and Connor came back to my place for another hour or so to just talk more.

Yesterday, Miriam had her first day of public school since she was in Kindergarten. Even though she only has half her classes on the high school campus and the other half at home, she was terribly nervous to be in a setting with well over a thousand students. I held her as she cried and then offered to pray with her. I promised her that there would be at least one person in each class she would connect with wonderfully... and that promise was fulfilled. Best of all, when I picked her up at the end of the day, she was beaming with excitement to discover she gets to share her last class with her very favorite friend, Elise. 

Finding Connection

This past week has been so full of ups and downs; some rich, full, and happy experiences - and other experiences that fill my heart with sorrow.  I woke up this morning feeling restless. I thought that maybe by writing out some of it, I could sort through it.

I spent last Thursday through Saturday on a Sister's Retreat with six of Joseph's sisters and my mother-in-law.  We usually have some sort of retreat together once a year. This year we rented a house in Salt Lake. We went out to dinner, we hiked, we played games, and had a really cool sharing night where we Skyped with Joseph's other sister, Ann. The sharing night to me is really like a church testimony meeting. We each come prepared to share a "life-lesson" with each other and they almost always involve some lesson that has helped us grow closer to our Father in Heaven and to our loved ones.

I think of the family support I was blessed with from marrying Joseph, blessed with seven beautiful sisters who fill my heart and give me a sense of being anchored in something stable. I'm filled with gratitude and pride for the choice I made to become a Rawlins.

All of my sisters-in-law are very aware of Joseph's battle with depression his whole life. They are aware of the more severe trenches he's pulled through... and they're aware that he's in a pretty deep one right now. They shared with me their same feelings of being at a loss of what to do. As one solution, we did come up with working out some sort of annual Brother's Retreat for Joseph and Jason.

Joseph needs support in this new neighborhood too. He's not connecting with any of his ecclesiastical leaders and hasn't made any friends. He has never been one to have lots of deep relationships though. He is much more introverted and really shows little interest in making close friends. He has one friend, Ryan, he met at BYU that he bonds with really well, but Ryan lives in Oregon now -At least the two of them call and write each other every week. I'm so glad Joseph has that support.

It just feels like it's been a while, a couple years maybe since Joseph has been depressed for this long. When he gets like this, he isolates himself, closes off emotionally and physically. It gets a little lonely because he's here... but he's not here... it's almost like living with a ghost - we pass each other and I walk right through him.

I've been very concerned. Through the years, I've learned it doesn't help to ask him to express what's on his mind, it only makes him more frustrated. A couple days ago, I had to pry him open though, just barely enough to make sure he wasn't feeling suicidal at all, to know he wasn't in the red zone again. It took him a while to answer but he finally said that he wasn't suicidal, he just didn't want to live a long life. I hope he lives a long life for my sake. I need him. I can't imagine spending the last twenty years of my life alone!

I had a glimmer of hope for him yesterday. He seemed happier than usual, at least happier than he's been in a long time. I think seeing family and old friends helped perk him up. We spent the evening with my best friend, Suzanne's family and our other old neighbors, the Prices. It was good for him. I want to find ways to get him out more - maybe he needs a trip for a week with his best friend, Ryan?

Speaking of old friends, I had a wonderful time Monday night going to our old neighborhood's block party. I brought my niece Alexa, her boyfriend, and her boyfriend's family. There must have been over 400 people at the party! I loved seeing so many faces of people who had also moved away from our old neighborhood. It was so good to see them again: We played. We hugged. We talked. We danced -It was the highlight of my year so far. Do you ever wish you had the power to stop time? There are some moments in life I never want to end. Moments like these spent connecting and re-connecting with people I love, even if they don't come that often, make me want to live a very long life.

But time moves on... and you try to make the most of the dull parts in-between. Maybe that's it. I think I woke up this morning just feeling a little sad. There are so many people I miss. So many at the party I didn't get a chance to talk with, to connect to.

I love what Herman Melville said about human connection,“We cannot live only for ourselves. A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men; and among those fibers, as sympathetic threads, our actions run as causes, and they come back to us as effects.”

I'm grateful for my new calling in the church. I know it is a blessing in disguise because it will help me create the connections I so desperately need to make in this new ward - connections that will help me heal from or even forget my own heartaches. I have felt the blessings pour into my life already from reaching out to my sisters in this ward. I'm realizing that there are a whole lot of hearts quietly hurting, so many hearts who need to be nurtured and noticed. I'm anxious to pull them into my own... and grow together.

“Spirituality is recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion. Practicing spirituality brings a sense of perspective, meaning and purpose to our lives.”
― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

-Alicia

A Basket Full

My friend, SaraLyn, paid me a surprise visit tonight. She's a next-door neighbor of mine from my old ward. We were outside as a family eating ice cream "Sundays" after Micah's fabulous Family Home Evening lesson, when I saw SaraLyn walking up the sidewalk toward our house. I waved and ran to greet her at our gate.

In her arms she held a basket full of gifts. 

"What brings you here, my friend?" I asked.

"This is for you," she said with a sparkle in her eyes.

I was shocked. "Why? What for? I don't understand."

"Because, I love you," she said sincerely and smilingly presented me with one gift at a time: 

A beanie hat, "Something whimsical." 

A journal, "Something thoughtful."

Then, she held up some lotions and essential oils, "Something relaxing." 

Next, she pulled out a couple of books, "Something educational and uplifting." 

And lastly, she pulled out two large bars of Moser Roth chocolates, "And... something indulging." She winked.

I couldn't believe it. It was just so random. "Wow! Really?! Why all of this? I know I don't deserve it, any of it. Why?"

"Yes." She insisted. "I enjoyed sitting next to you and talking with you in Stake Conference yesterday, I just wanted to express how much I love you."

"That's interesting." I said. "Because, after Stake Conference, I was telling my husband how much I love and adore you. But here you are doing something wonderful for me. You're incredible!" I invited SaraLyn to sit on the porch and talk a while but she couldn't stay. I thanked her again as she prepared to leave. Hugging her as tight as I could, I said goodbye. We both had tears in our eyes. 

After she was gone, my kids crowded around to take a look at the basket full of thoughtful gifts. "Look mom, there's a card." Micah pulled it out and held it to my face, "Open it." 

In the card was a beautiful thank-you note wrapped around four twenty-dollar bills. My jaw dropped to the ground! "Seriously!!" I laughed and shook my head. "I just don't get it."

I don't know why my friend, SaraLyn, felt to be this generous with me. I honestly haven't done anything fantastic. I think she's just one of those people who love so freely. She has always been this compassionate and thoughtful though. Last summer, when she found out we had to leave our apartment, she made me dinner, collected boxes for the move, invited me over to talk, and let me cry on her shoulder. She has been a God-send on a number of occasions. Maybe yesterday, she recognized that my soul was weary and I needed some sort of outreach. I don't know.

I pray that I can be more aware of others, that I can rise above my own sorrows and recognize when people need me to do for them what SaraLyn did for me. Wow, what a blessing!

-Alicia

That Same Sociality

Last night, I took Miriam and Kaylee to a world-wide broadcast of a meeting for all the women in the church ages eight and older.  I also brought my 3-yr-old foster daughter in order to allow the boys at home to be able to "comfortably watch" their action movie while we were away.

At the church, my girls instantly found their friends and bounced happily into the open seats next them. They are always so thrilled to be around Hannah, Mia, and Oli. I was also very glad to connect with their mom, Carol, who is my dear friend,

After the meeting was over,  Carol and her daughters climbed into our van with us to find a good place to grab some milkshakes and visit with each other more.  I met Carol two-and-a-half years ago but it seems much longer than that.

My life is so completely different from when I first met her.  I guess you could say her life is completely different too.  It was great to share with one another some of the lessons we've been learning along the way.  Carol has such a beautiful testimony of God and His involvement in our lives.  She's incredibility compassionate, intelligent, and brave. I truly admire her! It made my whole day, my whole week, to spend that hour-and-a-half together -- just the two of us and our girls. I think I really needed that.

I'm grateful to know "that same sociality which exists among us here [on earth] will exist among us [in heaven]" - D&C 130:2

-Alicia

Happy Valentine's Day!

I hope you have great plans to show the most important people in your life that you love them! It doesn't need to be extravagant or outlandish --It really is the small and simple things that make the difference.

Everyone, both men and women, want to know that they are cared for, that they are thought of, that they're important. True and pure love is the most powerful force in the universe. Pure love inspires people to accomplish their dreams, to be more faithful in their relationships, and to become the very best they could become. Pure love stems from selflessness and gratitude.  There is no thought of return, no concern for "what's in it for me?"-- it just simply gives of their time and self freely, verbally, physically, affectionately, thoughtfully.

My challenge today is to first, show this great love to those within the walls of your own home and then second, find someone who lives alone and do something for them today. Make it a ripple effect!

“There are many souls whom I have loved stronger than death. To them I have proved faithful—to them I am determined to prove faithful, until God calls me to resign up my breath.”

- Joseph Smith

Happy Valentine's!
Everybody wants to be loved!
- Alicia

Ladies Lunch and Life-Hacks

Life is so incredibly busy right now that I hardly have an extra minute to write these days. Being a foster mom takes up more time than most people realize. When I do get a free moment, it's usually spent doing homework for my class this semester.  I know the things that consume my hours are good... Even though I don't sleep anymore. ;)

Despite my crammed schedule, I was able to break away just for a couple hours this afternoon and enjoy a nice visit with my sisters-in-law (well, at least 5 of the 7). We gathered at Merrit's house, made a fancy lunch, and shared life-hacks with each other.  A few of the life-hacks were practical and revolved around awesome cleaning or cooking tips.  The other life-hacks were spiritual, like Lee's and Megan's.  

Lee shared that she has noticed a big difference in her life and in her relationships as she's taken the time to kneel and pray more throughout the day.  Megan shared a few verses from the scriptures and her personal testimony of them.  

The life-hack I gave was about perspective: As mothers, sometimes we see a mess and instantly assume that it is a result of our children being lazy or goofing off. But I shared the idea that sometimes the so-called "disasters" around our homes are evidence that our children are actually listening, that they're working hard, that they're doing great and wonderful things... and I gave some examples.

From the practical temporal life-hacks to the spiritual and inspiring ones: we laughed, we cried, and felt so much appreciation and love for one another.  It was a very refreshing afternoon.  I'm so grateful I married into this beautiful family.  I'm glad I have these seven sisters who get together and include me as one of them. I love that we're close and have regular, meaningful, and memorable visits.  I look forward to spending next weekend with these same wonderful ladies. 

-Alicia

Not Alone

These last couple of weeks have been so incredibly hard.  My foster daughter is an extremely stressed little three-year-old.  Her trauma is so intense that she's like a lighted fuse all day long. It takes the slightest event to set her off in full-blown aggression; she'll scream the most piercing scream, flail her arms, and kick the floor for twenty minutes straight.  I'll get her settled and then she'll want something else and explode again. When she's not throwing horrible tantrums she's clinging to my leg, sitting on my lap, or begging me to hold her in my arms.  It's like she knows she's been misbehaving and is extremely anxious her behavior will cause me to not want her with me anymore, so she panics and goes to the opposite end of the spectrum and clings so tightly.  It's hard because after all that acting out, I really don't want to even be around her, let alone hold her.

Her melt-downs are like an addiction, a habit she can't seem to kick. I've never been so exhausted in my life.  My oldest son had tantrums that were pretty bad where he would make himself vomit but even though those were difficult to deal with, these ones with my foster daughter are so much worse!

My husband has been checking on me everyday from work.  He's worried for me because he too understands the intensity of our situation.  He gave me a blessing Sunday night.  We actually had the foster kids go to a neighbor's house Sunday so we could have a family counsel with just our bio- kids. We can see that foster care is wearing them down too.  The all said they want to quit.  I don't blame them.  They've been so good through all of this though, and they've showed incredible patience.  We decided as a family that we're going to keep going for a little longer and just take things one day at a time.

I spoke with the children's therapist yesterday.  I explained how awful this has been. After diagnosis, they've increased the children's trauma levels. The therapist been working in the foster care system for 20 years and has dealt with hundreds of cases.  She listened to everything I could tell her for nearly 40 minutes.  As I described the hellish circumstances, she nodded her head sympathetically and said, "Welcome to the new normal. It may even get harder from here. That's why there is such a high turn-over rate if foster parenting.  But what I've seen with you, these children are doing so much better than they were, so much better!" Somehow, I found comfort speaking with her even though I know things are still going to be hard. 

I've discovered that this whole ward I moved into helped raise these kids for two months, it wasn't just the one couple.  I don't know how many people have come up to me at church who have said they had the children stay at their house for a day or so.  They must have been watched by at least ten different families in that short time (maybe there was a sign-up sheet being rotated around, I don't know). One woman, after Sacrament Meeting last Sunday, looked me straight in the eye and asked how I was doing.  Tears began to flow and I described the difficulties with the children I was having, especially the younger one.  She hugged me and said, "We had them only for a day or two and I know exactly what you're talking about. I can't even imagine what it must be like for longer than that." 

I don't know how many foster parents who have the luxury that we do. We are surrounded by a neighborhood who has helped carry the crushing weight and who understands our circumstances first-hand. I'm comforted to know that we don't have to do this alone.

-Alicia

Missing the Memories

Our City Center Temple has been closed for a short time. So this morning, some good friends and I took the kids to do baptisms at the other Provo Temple where we used to go to every Monday.  It was the first time returning for early morning baptisms there since our new temple has been dedicated.

 This morning caught us a little off guard as a feeling of sadness pressed on our hearts. Chandler said he felt it too. Maybe it was just because it was our first time returning there since our big baptism group would go, and we kept expecting to see old friends... only to be reminded that it's all part of the past now.  It just made us sad because we miss those friends and those memories so deeply.
-Alicia

May God's Love Be With You!

A week ago, we finished our Book of Mormon reading as a ward family.  For our final activity, we all wrote our testimonies on "gold" plates and buried them in our Bishop's backyard. They will fit nicely there with King Benjamin's tower, the buried weapons of war, and the Jaredite barge [aka: his carriage house]. Words can't express how much I'll miss these adventures we've had in this place.

Leading up to that final event last week, I studied what it meant to "lay hold upon every good thing" (Moroni 7:19).  I searched the definition and discovered "lay hold" means to "seize" as in "seize the day".  Of course, this reminded me of my favorite movie, Mitty, and how Cheryl's influence caused Walter to seize the day.

I've written about it before, the secret to life....  To tell the truth, It's on my mind constantly... so it may come as no surprise that I thought about it again this morning as I studied the New Testament and came across these verses, "Ye are all the children of the light and the children of the day... let us who are of the day, be sober [calm, reasonable, and clear thinking], putting on the breastplate of faith and love; and for an helmet, the hope of salvation." (1 Thessalonians 5:5,8)

In this modern age there is warfare of all kinds, not just physical but spiritual and emotional too.  In the midst of  battle, the most vital areas are the chest and head -So, I really like the imagery Paul uses as he instructs us how to protect them.

When I think of Salvation for our helmet, I think of "always remembering Him" [our Savior and His atoning sacrifice for us].  This is vital because we are fallible, we are mortal, we make mistakes, and we're so very far from perfect. The Savior knew we would need hope in life's moments that hit us so painfully with this reality.  Truly, what can bring more hope into our lives than knowing and always remembering that we have a way out of every tangled mess and that He delights to untangle us?!!

The breastplate covers our heart and lungs - the place where cells draw in life-giving air and carry it to our life-giving blood.  The functions of the these organs in our chest give us LIFE, they sustain us. we could not exist without them.  That's why I find it interesting that they are protected by faith and love, the two most powerful forces in the universe!

Henry Drummond put it beautifully when he said, "On the last analysis, then, love is life. Love never faileth and life never faileth so long as there is love."  

Finally, the other words I read that added to this imagery were these, "Rejoice evermore. Pray without ceasing. In everything give thanks." (1 Thes. 5:16-18)  

If we could remember these three things today and everyday: Mind, Heart, and Mouth - it will help us "lay hold" and seize the day - to become who we are striving to become. It will preserve us in the heat of battle, always remembering the Savior and His great atoning sacrifice, being motivated and driven by faith and love, constantly praying, constantly communicating with God and striving in all our relationships to speak with more gratitude and offer more thanks when we open our mouth.

I know as we do this we will discover the secret to a very rich, and very abundant life!

We are children of the day!  Aw man, I'm so grateful for all the SUNSHINE that adds a measure of grace to my world!
Keep dancin'
-Alicia

Somebody Needs the Light You Have - Ponderize - Week 45

"Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, 

and glorify your Father which is in heaven." 

- Matthew 5:16

"Jesus wants every one of us to know him because of the transforming power of that knowledge and because of the indescribable joy it brings into our lives. But the influence of the gospel is to extend beyond each individual. It is to be as a light that dispels the darkness from the lives of those around us. No one of us is saved solely and simply for himself alone, just as no lamp is lighted merely for its own benefit." - Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

"Pushing Back The Dark"

A Day in the Life

I spent most of yesterday just boxing and organizing the kids rooms.  It has felt really good to finally go through things and sort out what we can get rid of.  I've secretly wanted to have a good strong purge of all our stuff before our foster kids were placed with us and this forced-move has been a wish granted in that way.

We looked at a house last night that we made an offer on.  It's not "far away in the west".  It's actually east... about nine blocks east and five blocks south.  But when you're a Mormon living in Utah that means a completely new Ward and Stake.  I actually think it could be in the Ward my dear friend, Lou Crandall, attends.  He said he has been so worried about me since he heard the news and has been praying for me every day, praying that we can stay close.   It's his 87th birthday today.  I wish he were doing well.  His health has been fading this past week and he is very sick.  He's been in and out of the hospital.  I called to send him birthday wishes.  He could barely talk...   I certainly hope he pulls through.

Today has been good so far.  My younger brother called and we talked for a while.  I love it when Kenneth calls.  He's such a good guy.  He and his wife will be having their second child soon, Lily will finally have a little brother.  Kenneth told me all about the housing market in Texas and tried to convince me to move down there.  It would be so nice to be close to him. Chances are that will never happen though... but I'm so glad he and I can spend hours talking on the phone catching up with each other.

My best friend, Suzanne, took me out to lunch this afternoon.  She said when she found out that we were having to move it seemed as if her heart dropped like a lead ball into her stomach.  I said I felt the same way.  We talked for some time about what a great area this is.  The people here are our family, we have made strong bonds and deep attachments with them! Of course talking about how much we both love this place caused the tears to well up in my eyes again and I had to use all my Zupa napkins like Kleenexes.  Maybe the people around me didn't notice or maybe they just thought, "Dang! That must be some spicy peanut sauce!"

Joseph and Micah made me a balloon chandelier today that is quite hilarious to look at. Even when they were making it, I could hear them giggling about how it was turning out. I can't decide which I enjoyed more, eavesdropping on their surprise or the actual surprise.  It adds a nice circus atmosphere to the maze of boxes in our chaotic fun house.

My friend, Vanessa, sent me a text today.  I called her back and caught her during her lunch break. It's been about a year since we talked over the phone.   I discovered that everything she holds dear in her life is completely falling apart. She cried and cried and my heart broke for her.  She apologized for speaking so much about herself.  I reassured her that she needed to.  She needed to confide in someone and I was glad to be a sounding board.  It made me appreciate how easy my life is.  At that moment, I wished I could move to Leeds, Utah just to wrap my arms around her.  We decided that as soon as I am able, I'm going to take her for a nice beach vacation in Monterrey .

Tonight, Joseph and I rode the motorcycle and went out to eat, just the two of us.  Does anyone else get bugged by restaurants that have 20 T.V. screens going at once?  What does that say about our society's screen addiction?  I feel like people don't know how to talk face-to-face anymore.  Still, we were able to tune out the media madness for the most part and have some great conversation.

Speaking of media though... there is a time and a place for it.  I must admit that we both really love a good show.  When we returned home from our dinner date, Joseph asked if I had any movie requests.  "Well, I can think of one that never grows old to me. Plus, it's perfect as we get ready for the next adventure of our lives and step out into the unknown."
He agreed.

Watching Mitty, for me, was the perfect ending for the day. I'm forever grateful for the lives that have touched mine.  Especially those whose influence inspires me so much more than they know.

"To see the world, things dangerous to come, 

to see behind walls, draw closer, 

to find each other, and to feel. 

That is the purpose of life.” 

-Alicia ;)

"Which God for us prepared..." Ponderize - Week 43

We sang "Come Come, Ye Saints" yesterday for our closing hymn in Sacrament meeting.  I couldn't hold back the tears as I sung the words, especially this part.  It felt so personal to our family situation.

We'll find the place which God for us prepared,

Far away in the West,

Where none shall come to hurt or make afraid;

There [your children] will be blessed.

This verse really struck Joseph too and we talked about it later.  We have both felt that the Lord is preparing a very specific place for our family, a place where our children and our foster children can thrive and feel free to be who they are.... And a place that will open our options to what children we are able to take in.  Currently in this apartment, we could only take in one boy and or one girl.  But if we found a home with four large enough rooms, it would open the options for us to take in two boys, or maybe two girls, or one of each.  It even opens the option of a possible third foster kid. We're expanding our search to Springville and Orem.

Could the place which He has prepared for us also be "far away in the west"? Today, I found a lovely little four bedroom home on the far west side of Provo that seems to have everything we are looking for.  It's not in the "beautiful place" I love so much... Oh, how I wish it was.  But just the same, the early saints had to leave their Nauvoo which means "Beautiful Place." 

Wherever we end up, I know it will be exactly where we need to be. Yet, I will never forget all I have come to love so much here. This place will always feel like home to me.  It's forever in my mind and memory, never to be forgotten - It is far too important.

I will come back to my little skating place too on occasion, maybe some late evening when I need a moment to myself to unwind.  And just like I've done since I was a kid, I'll have my wheels, my skates, my board, and my headphones; everything I need to bring back my mojo.

We really don't know where we are going yet but we know Who is taking us there.  I've got a feeling that the biggest part of the adventure is yet to be!

"And if I [the Lord] go and prepare a place for you,

 I will come again, and receive you unto myself; 

that where I am, there ye may be also.

And whither I go ye know, and the way ye know."

- John 14:3

  -Alicia

Far Away and Anywhere

Persecution, Deliverance, Faith, and LOVE

 My friend, who is also our Realtor, texted me Friday morning and asked for our Landlady's phone number. Her text read, "Alicia, I was thinking... what if I called your Landlady and tried to convince her to allow you month-to-month rent so you have more time to search for a home."
I texted her back both of our Landlady's numbers and gratefully replied, "This should be fabulously interesting.  I'm not sure how it's going to work but it's worth a shot. Thank you!"
"Ok, I'll call her right now and I let you know how it goes." she replied.
 My Realtor called me back about 20 minutes later and it was just as I feared.  She sounded very disappointed and explained, "Oh Alicia, I'm so sorry.  I really thought I could persuade her.  Instead, she was extremely offended by my phone call.  She cut me off, became very agitated, and wouldn't let me talk.  I'm so sorry.  It didn't go well at all."
It wasn't much of a surprise to me though. Either way , I was so grateful for her valiant effort.

Later that day, we packed up our van to drive up the canyon and spend the evening at our ward family camp out.  It was so good to get away from all the boxes in my home that serve as constant reminders of our exodus.

The campsite was beautiful and the atmosphere invigorating.  We visited with our dear friends and had conversations while roasting marshmallows around the campfire.  We gazed at the stars, ate great food, listened to stories of courage and faith, and enjoyed a super corny skit... and I mean SUPER corny! Everything was so much fun.

But of course... my two most favorite things of the night was the dancing and singing:

The Dancing:
Our counselor to our bishop hooked up some music and taught all of us the Virginia Reel.  It was a riot!  I think the reason I loved it so much was because everyone was involved, it felt wonderfully unifying dancing as a whole team.

And Singing:
A couple of guys brought their guitars and I was so glad they did because sitting around a campfire while singing to the strum of a guitar is one of those things in life that absolutely sets my spirit soaring!!  (And after all that my family's been going through, I really needed something to lift my soul.) Shout out to Space Oddity, it was perfect, absolutely perfect!

That night, after all was silent through the camp and everyone was asleep, I laid awake for what felt like hours reflecting on the wonderful evening we all had and the beautiful memory we just made with the dear friends who I've come to love so very much.  Every time I thought of our forced move, a sting of pain would shoot my heart.  My whole soul, spirit, mind, and body wants to stay with this ward!  I quickly attempted to push the thoughts about leaving aside. I didn't want to travel back down the mountain in the morning, back to the boxes and the packing.

I remembered how my Realtor tried to plead our cause and how nothing she said to our Landlady seemed to penetrate her heart.  As I wondered about our situation and how we were going to manage living out of a trailer for a while I had the thought, "Alicia, have hope. You can't see and you don't know what is working on your Landlady's heart at this very moment.  Maybe what your Realtor said to her really did settle in."  I prayed that it did.  I prayed that she was being softened and that when we arrived back home the next day, there would be some form of deliverance or good news waiting for us.

The next morning, I woke early and helped get the fire started.  We had a wonderful breakfast, visited a little longer, and played a few games before everyone started taking down their tents and hauling off.  I didn't want to leave.  Oh, how I wished it could have been for two nights... or three... or four.

We drove home.  I had such a great time with our ward family that I had almost forgotten about my prayer for deliverance until...  there it was when we pulled into the complex, it was taped to our door: a notice from our Landlady granting us ability to rent month-to-month until we are under contract with a home to buy.  It was a miracle, a tender mercy!  Now we don't need to feel so rushed.  We can take our time and really search.  It gives me more confidence that we will find the right place for us and our growing family.  I am blessed.

-Alicia

Not letting go!

I can't sleep. Normally, sleep is never an issue for me.  I must be having such a hard time with this move.  I so desperately do not want to leave this place that I love so very, very much!

We've decided that we don't want to rent anymore, we just want our own home.  If we do rent again, it could only be for a very short time, a month-to-month, because we are anxious to have a permanent place for our foster children.  Any kind of move would mean they would be absorbed back into the hands of others in the foster community until we had a home that has been officially evaluated and meets State regulations for being foster ready. (A process which can take several weeks maybe months.) We've decided that foster care will have to be on hold until we find a permanent place to avoid any additional disruption in these children's lives.  But foster kids or not, it's just a massive hassle to move from here to a temporary location, only to move again.

My husband and I have lived five other places since we were first married... it's been so nice to stay here as long as we have.  If it weren't for the struggles we've had with our landlady, we could live here forever.

Saturday evening we spent a lot of time searching online for homes, condos, or town-homes (anything a little larger than what we have here).  We won't give up the search but it seems that nothing large enough for our family is under $200K in our ward. We had a special fast as a family yesterday, even our friends, the Wilsons, fasted together for us. My friend, Carol, called me and advised me to stay close to the Spirit and to not narrow my options to just this ward or Stake but to seek first where the Lord would have us be.  She is a wise woman and I'm so glad for the day I miraculously met her.  We will have no problems staying in close touch.

Yesterday in church, we had so many friends offer to help us and I kept feeling this mixture of gratitude, joy, pain, sorrow, and loss.  One moment I'd be smiling and the next I'd have tears streaming down my face.

I want to do all I can to stay connected to this place I call home.  The visits may be fewer and farther between but I could never leave this beautiful place completely: No, not after what I've experienced and not after the dreams I've had.   To disconnect completely would be too much for my soul to bear.  This will be tough no matter what but I can see myself dancing my way through it. ;) I pray there will be lots of dances.  This place I call home has changed my life, my whole world, everything!!  It cannot be forgotten.  It has "awakened me out of a deep sleep".  It helped me remember my mission, my dreams, and all I want to become.  I am forever grateful!

I will continue on with BYU: I will not let go and I'll continue to reach for my dream that I've had for so many years of being an inspiring writer and speaker.  Down the road, I can envision myself taking my words and using them as a tool to be a powerful advocate, a voice for the importance of the family, especially for children, for foster children, and defender of the sanctity of life.  I am confident that my experiences in the future with both formal education and fostering will help to make my voice heard loud and clear in the courthouses, in the schools, and in the communities.  There are many good things to come.
Just watch and see....
I'm gonna Carpe this Diem!!!

-Alicia :)

.

The Impossible Dream

I know two songs from the movie though I don't recall ever watching it.  I've never read the book either... even though it has sat on my shelf for years.  When I was a little girl, I remember my mother singing The Impossible Dream and Man of Lamancha.  She'd dance through the kitchen like a cheerful songbird and often get the lyrics messed up... but she sang her heart out anyway.

After reading the book that came in the mail last week, I took interest in the way the author mentions Don Quixote in her last chapter.  It reads as follows:

After [Don Quixote] tells [Aldonza] of his quest - to follow the impossible dream - she pleads, "Once, just once - would you look at me as I really am?"
He gazes into her eyes and answers, "I see beauty.  Purity.  I see the woman each man holds secret within him. Duclinea."

...In his quest to "add some measure of grace to the world" he became alive to new visions, to the vision of one who values all life - Jesus Christ.

Though she fights his vision as being unrealistic, her heart longs for it to be true, and in time the presence of his love, gentleness, and glory transform her life and her very nature.  

His triumph in the quest to "add some measure of grace" comes as he lies upon his deathbed and Aldonza comes to see him.  
She cries for him to regain the quest, "Please!  Try to remember!"
"Is it so important?" he asks.
"Everything.  My whole life.  You spoke to me and everything was different!" she pleads.
As he fades and dies, she is resurrected into a new being and walks away with his quest instilled upon her heart, and thereafter calls herself, Dulcinea [which means -sweet above all that is sweet]."

The part she describes here sounded so familiar to me.
"I know this story" I thought to myself.  " I know it well."
 It's a story of transformation, a story of redemption, a story of what happens to a soul when someone sees them differently, when they are seen by the light of truth, and it awakes them to who they are meant to become no matter how impossible it might seem.

There's no doubt in my mind that God knows and loves us beyond our mortal comprehension.  He answers our prayers.  He has great plans, tailor-made opportunities, and custom-fit challenges to help us grow into who we're meant to be.
...And sometimes He sends angels to help us along our journey.   I will thank God for my angels every single day of my life.  How could I ever forget the measure of grace they added to my world?!  Their quest is my quest now. It is written and instilled deep upon my heart forever.

From Don Quixote

To dream the impossible dream

To fight the unbeatable foe

To bear with unbearable sorrow

And to run where

the brave dare not go

To right the unrightable wrong

And to love pure and chaste from afar

To try when your arms are too weary

To reach the unreachable star

This is my quest

To follow that star

No matter how hopeless

No matter how far

To fight for the right

Without question or pause

To be willing to march,

march into hell

For that heavenly cause

And I know

If I'll only be true

To this glorious quest

That my heart

Will lie peaceful and calm

When I'm laid to my rest

And the world will be

better for this

That one man, scorned

and covered with scars,

Still strove with his last

ounce of courage

To reach the unreachable,

the unreachable,

The unreachable star

And I'll always dream

The impossible dream

Yes, and I'll reach

The unreachable star

"It is not that something different is seen, but that one sees differently.

It is as though the spatial act of seeing were changed by a new dimension."

- Carl Jung

For Time and All Eternity

This evening, my husband and I had a unique experience that doesn't come around to many people.  Our good friends, Regee & Loraine, from Zimbabwe are converts to the church and Regee has never been sealed in the temple to his parents.  They passed away when he was still a baby and most memories he has of them are only from stories he's heard.

 About a year-and-a-half ago I went with Regee and Loraine to the Salt Lake Temple where he was able to be baptized as proxy for his brother who had passed away. That was an awesome day!

But tonight was even more incredible because Regee had Joseph and I be proxy for his parents while he was sealed to them as if he had been born in the covenant.  Regee also performed as proxy for his deceased brother so he could be sealed to them as well.

It was a small group, just us, the temple sealer and his wife (who they are close friends with), one other neighbor from the ward, and a long-time friend of theirs from Zimbabwe. The evening sun shone perfectly through the stain glass window of the sealing room causing everyone's face to reflect its golden light.  The Spirit was strong and all who were present could sense the sacredness of the moment.  What a beautiful experience we had!

-Alicia

Beauty Divine

"I looked and beheld a tree... and the beauty thereof was far beyond, 

yea, exceeding of all beauty."

(1 Nephi 11:8)

Breathtaking vision, It's a sight to behold,

Something about it that never grows old.

Its brilliance is timeless and shines like the Son-

Bright as the day heav'n and earth become one.

Age will not tarnish purest beauty Divine

Each passing year only ripen, refine

Growing in majesty and flourishing grace,

Kindness, compassion, a smiling face,

Inspiring virtue, fine-tuned affection

Hope, friendship, joy, and human connection.
A new Spirit within from heaven above
Constantly reaching with a Christlike love,

Everlasting beauty that conquers the grave

Lives on in the soul and all that they gave.

by, Alicia Rawlins

Tree of Life by, Audiomachine

“I believe the Savior is telling us that unless we lose ourselves in service to others, there is little purpose to our own lives. Those who live only for themselves eventually shrivel up and … lose their lives, while those who lose themselves in service to others grow and flourish—and in effect save their lives.” - President Thomas S. Monson

"I have come to know that it is the love of God and neighbor that gives meaning to life. May we follow our Savior’s example and His admonition to reach out to others with love." - Cheryl A. Esplin

"There is no happiness in having or in getting, but only in giving." - Henry Drummond

"You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love." - Henry Drummond

Happy Sabbath!

"We strive to build an environment in our home and in our hearts 
where the Spirit of God may dwell."

- Rawlins Family Mission Statement

I look forward to Sundays!  I especially love the atmosphere of our home when we have hymns or conference talks playing.  My husband and I have playlists we've created to enrich our Sundays... and every day for that matter.  Last night my husband shared with me a song from his compilation,  "Nearer My God to Thee"  I love a-capella groups and men's choirs... Plus, this is one of my favorite hymns; so, a combination of these things was a real treat to listen to.  

What do you do to draw nearer to God on the Sabbath?

What sort of things invite the Spirit and help you desire greater commitment to the covenants you've made?

Moroni has some great verses that help us to keep our Sundays conducted after the manner of the Spirit:

• The Sacrament was administered "according to the commandments of Christ" "They [the elder or priest] did kneel down with the church, and pray to the Father in the name of Christ." (Moroni 4:1,2)

• "They came forth with a broken heart and a contrite spirit, and witnessed unto the church that they truly repented of all their sins." (Moroni 6:2)

• "They took upon them the name of Christ, having a determination to serve Him to the end." (Moroni 6:3)

• "They were numbered among the people of the church of Christ; and their names were taken, that they might be remembered and nourished by the good word of God, to keep them in the right way..." (Moroni 6:4)

• "The church did meet together oft, to fast and to pray and to speak one with another concerning the welfare of their souls.  And they did meet together oft to partake of [the sacrament], in remembrance of the Lord Jesus." (Moroni 6:5,6)

• "They were strict to observe... As oft as they repented and sought forgiveness, with real intent, they were forgiven... And their meetings were conducted by the church after the manner of the workings of the Spirit, and by the power of the Holy Ghost." (Moroni 6:8)

• "The power of the Holy Ghost led them whether to preach, or to exhort, or to pray, or to supplicate, or to sing" (Moroni 6:9)

The Sabbath is a day of rest and I’ve discovered that I find rest when  I am centered on the Savior (which can actually mean hard work, very hard work)  But the rest is real: it is comforting,  It is spiritual, it is encouraging, it is hopeful - always hopeful because it is found in truth, it is refreshing and rejuvenating.

Like Moroni, I find rest when I am with others whose focus is the same as we “meet together often to fast and to pray” and conduct our lives “after the manner of the Spirit”.  It makes my day and my week so much brighter and it nourishes my soul. 

Maybe that’s why it’s called “Sun”day?   

-Alicia :)
My Favorite Choral Hymn Arrangements for Sunday Take a listen!

https://www.lds.org/church/news/church-leaders-call-for-better-observance-of-sabbath-day?lang=eng

"To Bless and Sanctify"

Yesterday in my personal studies, I read where the Savior administers the Sacrament to the Nephite people saying, "He that eateth this bread eateth of my body to his soul; and he that drinketh of this wine drinketh of my blood to his soul; and his soul shall never hunger nor thirst, but shall be filled."- (3 Nephi 20:8)

I find it interesting that the Savior's administering of the Sacrament (or sanctifying moment) happened after a purifying moment.  When several disciples expressed through prayer their deep desire for the Spirit, the Savior then offered a prayer in response, "Father, I thank thee that thou hast purified those whom I have, chosen because of their faith..." (3 Nephi 19:28)

To purify and to sanctify something sound almost the same but they are different.

To PURIFY means to remove the contaminants from, to make clean.
To SANCTIFY goes a step beyond that, beyond just being clean... it means to make it holy, acceptable before God.

In the sacrament prayer we hear these words, "We ask thee in the name of thy Son, Jesus Christ, to bless and sanctify this bread [and this water]." (Moroni 4:3 & 5:2)

Do you ever think of how awesome it is that we can take an earthly element and ask the Lord to make it heavenly (holy and acceptable before Him)?  We ask Him to "bless and sanctify" it.  The brother of Jared took molten rocks before the Lord and prayed for Him to touch them and make them shine, to be acceptable light in their journey across the sea. (Ether 3:1-5)

Thinking of the sacrament... or (sanctifying moment)... what other things have you laid before the Lord and prayed for Him to "bless and sanctify":  Yourself, your mind & heart, your marriage, your family, your efforts in your calling, your friendships, your relationships... what else?

I believe when we do this, He will faithfully honor the request, for the Savior explained, "What man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?  If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?" (Matthew 7:9-11)

Whatever we lay before our Father in Heaven, when we ask Him to "bless and sanctify" it, we might ask these questions:

What will this sanctification look like in our lives?
What changes may occur because of it?
How long will the process be?
Will it be joyful or painful... or a mixture of both?
How will it stretch us?
What perspective will we keep as the Lord answers this request?

These insights are helpful to me.  I have prayed with all my heart for certain things to be "blessed and sanctified"... yet, I haven't always been ready for exactly "how" the Lord would do that.
Ultimately, I believe we have to keep the faith, that whatever we lay before before Him, it will be handled with the greatest care...  and He will work wonders with it!

-Alicia

To take the sorrow out of death...

My blog friend, Ramona, lost her husband a couple of weeks ago on March 23rd.  He was only 58.

Today, April 15th, is Ramona's birthday.  How strange it must feel to have this day of birth "to celebrate" when half of your body and soul has been torn from you.

"To everything there is a season"... and this is a season of mourning for my friend.  I pray for her. I ache for her.

I'm reminded of President Nelson's words, "Irrespective of age, we mourn for those loved and lost. Mourning is one of the deepest expressions of pure love. It is a natural response in complete accord with divine commandment: “Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die.” (D&C 42:45.)

Moreover, we can’t fully appreciate joyful reunions later without tearful separations now. The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life."

We live over 2,000 miles apart and I wish with all my heart I could be closer so I could serve her and help her during this tremendously lonely and mournful time.

This song is for you, Ramona.

Held

-Alicia