Her melt-downs are like an addiction, a habit she can't seem to kick. I've never been so exhausted in my life. My oldest son had tantrums that were pretty bad where he would make himself vomit but even though those were difficult to deal with, these ones with my foster daughter are so much worse!
My husband has been checking on me everyday from work. He's worried for me because he too understands the intensity of our situation. He gave me a blessing Sunday night. We actually had the foster kids go to a neighbor's house Sunday so we could have a family counsel with just our bio- kids. We can see that foster care is wearing them down too. The all said they want to quit. I don't blame them. They've been so good through all of this though, and they've showed incredible patience. We decided as a family that we're going to keep going for a little longer and just take things one day at a time.
I spoke with the children's therapist yesterday. I explained how awful this has been. After diagnosis, they've increased the children's trauma levels. The therapist been working in the foster care system for 20 years and has dealt with hundreds of cases. She listened to everything I could tell her for nearly 40 minutes. As I described the hellish circumstances, she nodded her head sympathetically and said, "Welcome to the new normal. It may even get harder from here. That's why there is such a high turn-over rate if foster parenting. But what I've seen with you, these children are doing so much better than they were, so much better!" Somehow, I found comfort speaking with her even though I know things are still going to be hard.
I've discovered that this whole ward I moved into helped raise these kids for two months, it wasn't just the one couple. I don't know how many people have come up to me at church who have said they had the children stay at their house for a day or so. They must have been watched by at least ten different families in that short time (maybe there was a sign-up sheet being rotated around, I don't know). One woman, after Sacrament Meeting last Sunday, looked me straight in the eye and asked how I was doing. Tears began to flow and I described the difficulties with the children I was having, especially the younger one. She hugged me and said, "We had them only for a day or two and I know exactly what you're talking about. I can't even imagine what it must be like for longer than that."
I don't know how many foster parents who have the luxury that we do. We are surrounded by a neighborhood who has helped carry the crushing weight and who understands our circumstances first-hand. I'm comforted to know that we don't have to do this alone.
-Alicia
8 comments:
Alicia
I have been pondering over this post, coming back to it time and again. Praying for you and your foster daughter. wondering how can she be helped. I thought of this passage and I am sure you have too. I love the break down in the Amplified translation. Notice the emphasis on the "deaf and dumb" spirit. But in this translation when the father brought the child to Jesus, the "deaf and dumb" spirit recognized Jesus and started to "attack" the boy. Curious isn't it. More curious is how the Savior healed that boy, he attacked the spirit or rather the attitude of not only the father but the crowd and the disciples. The deaf and dumb spirit, does not "hear" the voice of the Lord but it obeys him or cowers before him. The dumb spirit cannot talk to the Lord, so it cannot express itself, it's feelings, so it "acts out" in fear, and panic. What to do Alicia. Can you cast out this "deaf and dumb" spirit and make it speak? Is there a point of "unbelief" in your posture toward your "foster" daughter? At the end of this passage the Lord says that "29 And He replied to them, This kind cannot be driven out by anything but prayer [o]and fasting.". I know this is what you do. You can help her, you can heal her. How? Change her name to "my daughter", my beloved daughter". Look at her with compassion, patience, and believing, because you know children need the faith of their parents to bolster their faith, even if they have none. Don't let the failure of others become your failure. You are so strong Alicia, I know it. A priesthood blessing for the sick, because this child needs wholeness. Songs, music,prayer. Her prayers from her lips too.
This is what I have as an impression to help, even though I know you have probably started in this direction. I am praying for you, you inspire me, because Alicia, this is a road that I will walk down one day soon, and not only that with a partner, thus says the Lord.
Mark 9 Amplified Bible
20 So they brought [the boy] to Him, and when the spirit saw Him, at once it completely convulsed the boy, and he fell to the ground and kept rolling about, foaming [at the mouth].
21 And [Jesus] asked his father, How long has he had this? And he answered, From the time he was a little boy.
22 And it has often thrown him both into fire and into water, intending to kill him. But if You can do anything, do have pity on us and help us.
23 And Jesus said, [You say to Me], If You can do anything? [Why,] all things can be (are possible) to him who believes!
24 At once the father of the boy gave [an [k]eager, [l]piercing, inarticulate] cry with tears, and he said, Lord, I believe! [Constantly] help my [m]weakness of faith!
25 But when Jesus noticed that a crowd [of people] came running together, He rebuked the unclean spirit, saying to it, You dumb and deaf spirit, I charge you to come out of him and never go into him again.
Dear Ramona,
Thank you so much for your prayers and words of wisdom. I really like how you drew this parallel from Mark 9 to my situation. I've reflected again and again on your question if there is a point of unbelief in my posture toward my foster daughter. Her behavior has been so discouraging, so draining, so intense... that I maybe I have begun to disbelieve. After I tucked her in tonight, I knelt and prayed by her bedside. I felt like the evening ended well, so I'll take whatever victory comes. Thank you for following the impression you had to help me by writing this insightful note.
I'm curious as to what you mean when you say that this is a road you will walk down one day soon. What are your plans?
Alicia
Please read my latest post. I had received like 2 very strong impressions in the last few months, that Father has revealed a "new thing" in my life. Great are the words of Isaiah.
Last month we had our Stake Conference. And our guest speaker was Elder Kim Clarke. (Awesome, please listen to some of his talks if you haven't.) But before the Conference, the Stake and his counsel had been praying for our ward and for opportunities to visit members and offer service. So he asked me if he and Elder clarke could come by on that Sat. Sure I said, not really comprehending what he was talking about, all I could think of was that my house was a mess!! So when he showed up with Elder Clarke, I was still clueless. But they both sat on my sofa, and said "Sister Gordy we are here in your home, but we still don't know why. I said I know why, would you please give me a blessing.
I felt in my heart that this was the Lords confirmation on everything that he has been showing me, and talking to me about, and it has been so overwhelming, that I could only approach it with mild hysteria and tears. I needed all of my strong sisters to help me.
So they anointed my head and Elder Clark began to pray. It was a moment where there was a strong sense of the presence of the HOly Spirit, and the symbolism that my house is oriented toward the east. I could literally "see" the spirit come in, speak to our hearts. Elder Clark spoke of many things that was on my Patriarchal Blessing, and he expanded on them. He blessed me with courage, sharper spiritual discernment, the ability to continue the work of searching out my ancestors, they are anxiously waiting. He confirmed everything that the Lord had shown me and promised in that language. Later at the conference he spoke and continued to teach about everything that I had been blessed with.
Isaiah 40:28-31
28 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, does not faint or grow weary; there is no searching of His understanding.
29 He gives power to the faint and weary, and to him who has no might He increases strength [causing it to multiply and making it to abound].
Isaiah 43:18"Do not call to mind the former things, Or ponder things of the past. 19"Behold, I will do something new, Now it will spring forth; Will you not be aware of it?
The plan for my life going forward to love again, to be loved. To marry a man whose heart is prepared by God to love, to serve.
For both of us to find, locate, save, raise children. To be happy, that they are happy. To serve, to live, to be. It has been an interesting, exciting and crazy strange turn of events these last 6 months. The Lord teaches in patterns. He prepares the heart and "creates" a human, like Adam waiting for Eve, he creates in the pattern of line upon line, precept upon precept. And that "here a little" and there a little seems to allow for humanness, and frailty and strength renewed. I asked to be a part of the vision so that I could participate and see it. So it goes, and it is. We are abiding in Gods timing.
Recently called to work in the Temple, another Patriarchal blessing promise.
Ramona, this is exciting. Have you been dating anyone?
No not yet, trying to build up my faith in that area and become fearless. Even though this "now" is in my life, I am still working through the reality of recent loss. I know God is healing my heart, and making the path clear. My worst uncomfortable fear is going to "Singles events".(ha ha) But I will trust in the Lord. Keep me in your prayers.
I will keep you in my prayers, Ramona. I have a dear friend that passed away this year at 87. He was married a second time in his 70's. Also, my friend's mom--who is a widow--is marrying again in her late 70's. So, you're still very young! I believe in you. Life can be so lonely and no one wants to walk the road alone. The Lord has a way of placing the right people in our path at just the right time. Maybe now is the time for you to get a Facebook account? (It could be an old friend from long ago who is also a widower.) Or maybe you'll meet him at school? When do classes start for you or are you still in the application process?
Happy New Year
Getting ready for online classes Jan 9. It is so cool, they send lab stuff by mail, so I can blow up my own house . ha ha ha
Scared of Facebook, but I may give it a try
Good for you, Ramona! You're going to do great in school, I just know it. My classes start the same week. I'll be thinking of you.
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