Leave this part blank.

I can't even write anymore. I can't seem to grasp my own thoughts, let alone articulate them.  I feel so terribly far from inspiration.  These days, I hardly know how to talk to my old friends when I see them let alone how to talk to God. In most of my prayers my mind drifts endlessly or is totally blank. My husband has expressed the exact same struggles. My children are manifesting similar emotions too.

Our world has shrunk to a select few who understand. The couple in our ward who had these kids before us "get" what we're going through but even they didn't have the children as long...and they didn't have their own biological children to blend with them either.

The irony of foster care is you try so desperately to save the lives of your foster kids but in the process you better brace yourself to take a wrecking ball to your own life. The trick is to avoid resenting that "wrecking ball" even learn how to love it, to embrace it.

Now, my foster son is doing pretty well despite a few set-backs.  I can't complain. He is trying so hard and I'm very proud of his progress. On the other hand, the melt-downs have increased with my foster daughter again. She was really doing better for several weeks in a row until she started seeing her mother 2x a week at the daycare for women in drug rehab. Almost every night now before bed she's back to  having convulsions and screaming non-stop for over an hour.  She's been doing this more in the day too. There's absolutely no consoling her. I offer to read her a story or to scratch her back in an effort to calm her. I hold her and she kicks and flails. Every soothing effort she violently refuses and so I walk away only to hear her scream like a banshee for all that she said she didn't want two seconds ago. At that point, all I can do is shut the door, walk away, and wait for her to be silent. Sometimes, I'm not that patient and I scream back or give her one big firm swat on the butt. (Of course that never helps.)

When she's not having melt-downs she wants me holding her and I do hold her but she weighs the same as Kaylee and I can't hold her for extremely long periods like she wishes.  The minute I set her down, she panics or starts lashing out at my other kids--That's hard for them. Chandler can't stand it, so he chases after her in a territorial manner acting like he's going to beat her... of course, he doesn't touch her but the threat is enough to cause the anxiety in her three-yr-old body to sky-rocket. (I've had a thousand lectures with Chandler about this begging him not tease her like that.)

She is a good girl and can be very sweet. I desperately want to give her the best home.  I want to help her so much but she can also be so hard, so very, very hard! Never in my life have I experienced a child like her. No one sees the struggles we are going through. No one sees it! When I talk with the social workers, they say I'm doing great. Really? Because I feel like crap! I'm just not who I thought I'd be as a foster mom.

I found a medical term that describes what my husband and I are going through. It's called Post Adoption Depression.  Now, we aren't adopting right now because our goal in foster care is to get these kids to reunification with the birth-parents but many of the symptoms we have been experiencing are the same as listed in Post Adoption Depression.

So what do we do? 

I don't know. I have no clue. 

There are many good moments.  I guess that is what I was trying to capture in my last post... but who am I kidding?... Most of the time, it feels like I'm falling apart. I pray for strength to be a better person. I know I can do better.

-Alicia 

I found a small space in our shrunken world that seemed to validate our emotions. According to this thread, this is "the new normal" and I need to have faith that time will be the healing factor.

https://adoption.com/forums/thread/369558/still-not-feeling-attached-to-adopted-daughter/

Vivian Park - This was a good day for our family. (Foster's faces are blurred because we can't post their pictures.)

In Our Wilderness

23 more days until our last one living here and we have to be out.  We still don't know where we're moving to.  We looked at a home that is very close in our neighborhood and were excited for all the possibilities.  It had 5 bedrooms + a two bedroom mother-in-law apartment we could rent out to help with our mortgage payments.

Joseph and I went to the temple early morning yesterday before we made an offer and both felt very strongly that we needed to contact a couple of people.  We called our two friends and they both spent over a couple hours with us at the house.  My friend, Shelley, is going to be our agent and she made a lot of phone calls to the city while we were touring the place for the second and third time.  She discovered that the mother-in-law apartment the people had there is totally illegal and that the whole thing has been in open investigation for some time... Instead of it being an asset it would have been a huge liability.  Our friend, Ben, who is very experienced with home building, was able to show us other warning signs our untrained eyes couldn't see before.  It really was a blessing and we know the Lord was looking out for us by giving us inspiration to call these two.

It looks like we might have to live out of a storage unit for a while.  My friend, Shelley, graciously offered her RV and we may just take her up on that.  Who knows... turn this into a little "vacation".  It will be an adventure for sure!!

 I'm so thankful for the comforting words of the scriptures as we journey into "our wilderness". My husband's best friend keeps telling our family that he really feels God will "part the Red Sea" for us. Even though, we don't know where "our promised land" will be. The Israelites wandered for 40 years. I can be grateful in knowing it won't take us that long to "find the place which God for us prepared". Like Moses and Lehi in the wilderness; I truly believe in miracles and marvelous manifestations of God. I know without a shadow of doubt that His hand is in the very details of our lives and as we seek Him, He will lead us right. I know it!

"Never be weary of good works... be meek and lowly in heart; for such shall find rest to their souls... Learn wisdom... Keep the Commandments... Cry unto God for all thy support; yea, let all thy doings be unto the Lord, and withersoever thou goest let it be in the Lord... Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and He will direct thee for good... Let thy heart be full of thanks unto God. And behold, [the Liahona] was prepared to show unto our fathers the course which they should travel in the wilderness. And it did work for them according to their faith in God; therefore, if they had faith to believe that God could cause that those spindles should point the way they should go behold, it was done; therefore they had this miracle, and many other miracles wrought by the power of God, day by day." - Alma 37:34-40

"We were moving mountains long before we knew we could... 

There can be miracles when you believe."

-Alicia

Ground Control to Major Tom

 "I wanted to tell you, that song 'Major Tom'... 

That song is about courage and going into the unknown. It's a cool song." 

- Cheryl Melhoff

I love the movie Walter Mitty with Ben Stiller.  There's something so familiar to me about how Cheryl's influence transforms Walter.  She awakens him to everything his soul has ever wanted to be.  Because of her confidence in him, his heart burns with a new-found courage to step out into the unknown, run after his dreams and jump with both feet into a world of endless possibilities.

There are so many changes ahead, we really don't know what to expect but we're determined to be ready for whatever comes our way!

We just purchased this new van...  and guess what I've named him??
It's going to take a couple of months for the specialized license plate to be made but I'm super excited.

It's a twelve-seater.  It will be perfect for when we get our two foster children with plenty of room to spare.  It was $20,000 with only 7,000 miles! We took it to two different mechanics before we purchased and they both said the engine was brand-spankin' new!  We feel very fortunate to have found it.  We were very prayerful and spent a lot of time searching and waiting for the right vehicle.  One of the selling points for us was to buy something that would not only bless our family in need but would aslo be a tool for serving and helping others.  I know it will be.

I really like the name, "Major Tom".  It makes me think of the movie, Mitty, and the power of Cheryl's influence.  Plus, it kinda looks like a space shuttle (if you squint).

"Commencing countdown, 

Engines on

Check ignition 

And may God's love be with you"

-Alicia

Reaching for the Stars!

The Impossible Dream

I know two songs from the movie though I don't recall ever watching it.  I've never read the book either... even though it has sat on my shelf for years.  When I was a little girl, I remember my mother singing The Impossible Dream and Man of Lamancha.  She'd dance through the kitchen like a cheerful songbird and often get the lyrics messed up... but she sang her heart out anyway.

After reading the book that came in the mail last week, I took interest in the way the author mentions Don Quixote in her last chapter.  It reads as follows:

After [Don Quixote] tells [Aldonza] of his quest - to follow the impossible dream - she pleads, "Once, just once - would you look at me as I really am?"
He gazes into her eyes and answers, "I see beauty.  Purity.  I see the woman each man holds secret within him. Duclinea."

...In his quest to "add some measure of grace to the world" he became alive to new visions, to the vision of one who values all life - Jesus Christ.

Though she fights his vision as being unrealistic, her heart longs for it to be true, and in time the presence of his love, gentleness, and glory transform her life and her very nature.  

His triumph in the quest to "add some measure of grace" comes as he lies upon his deathbed and Aldonza comes to see him.  
She cries for him to regain the quest, "Please!  Try to remember!"
"Is it so important?" he asks.
"Everything.  My whole life.  You spoke to me and everything was different!" she pleads.
As he fades and dies, she is resurrected into a new being and walks away with his quest instilled upon her heart, and thereafter calls herself, Dulcinea [which means -sweet above all that is sweet]."

The part she describes here sounded so familiar to me.
"I know this story" I thought to myself.  " I know it well."
 It's a story of transformation, a story of redemption, a story of what happens to a soul when someone sees them differently, when they are seen by the light of truth, and it awakes them to who they are meant to become no matter how impossible it might seem.

There's no doubt in my mind that God knows and loves us beyond our mortal comprehension.  He answers our prayers.  He has great plans, tailor-made opportunities, and custom-fit challenges to help us grow into who we're meant to be.
...And sometimes He sends angels to help us along our journey.   I will thank God for my angels every single day of my life.  How could I ever forget the measure of grace they added to my world?!  Their quest is my quest now. It is written and instilled deep upon my heart forever.

From Don Quixote

To dream the impossible dream

To fight the unbeatable foe

To bear with unbearable sorrow

And to run where

the brave dare not go

To right the unrightable wrong

And to love pure and chaste from afar

To try when your arms are too weary

To reach the unreachable star

This is my quest

To follow that star

No matter how hopeless

No matter how far

To fight for the right

Without question or pause

To be willing to march,

march into hell

For that heavenly cause

And I know

If I'll only be true

To this glorious quest

That my heart

Will lie peaceful and calm

When I'm laid to my rest

And the world will be

better for this

That one man, scorned

and covered with scars,

Still strove with his last

ounce of courage

To reach the unreachable,

the unreachable,

The unreachable star

And I'll always dream

The impossible dream

Yes, and I'll reach

The unreachable star

"It is not that something different is seen, but that one sees differently.

It is as though the spatial act of seeing were changed by a new dimension."

- Carl Jung

Beauty Divine

"I looked and beheld a tree... and the beauty thereof was far beyond, 

yea, exceeding of all beauty."

(1 Nephi 11:8)

Breathtaking vision, It's a sight to behold,

Something about it that never grows old.

Its brilliance is timeless and shines like the Son-

Bright as the day heav'n and earth become one.

Age will not tarnish purest beauty Divine

Each passing year only ripen, refine

Growing in majesty and flourishing grace,

Kindness, compassion, a smiling face,

Inspiring virtue, fine-tuned affection

Hope, friendship, joy, and human connection.
A new Spirit within from heaven above
Constantly reaching with a Christlike love,

Everlasting beauty that conquers the grave

Lives on in the soul and all that they gave.

by, Alicia Rawlins

Tree of Life by, Audiomachine

“I believe the Savior is telling us that unless we lose ourselves in service to others, there is little purpose to our own lives. Those who live only for themselves eventually shrivel up and … lose their lives, while those who lose themselves in service to others grow and flourish—and in effect save their lives.” - President Thomas S. Monson

"I have come to know that it is the love of God and neighbor that gives meaning to life. May we follow our Savior’s example and His admonition to reach out to others with love." - Cheryl A. Esplin

"There is no happiness in having or in getting, but only in giving." - Henry Drummond

"You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love." - Henry Drummond

"To Bless and Sanctify"

Yesterday in my personal studies, I read where the Savior administers the Sacrament to the Nephite people saying, "He that eateth this bread eateth of my body to his soul; and he that drinketh of this wine drinketh of my blood to his soul; and his soul shall never hunger nor thirst, but shall be filled."- (3 Nephi 20:8)

I find it interesting that the Savior's administering of the Sacrament (or sanctifying moment) happened after a purifying moment.  When several disciples expressed through prayer their deep desire for the Spirit, the Savior then offered a prayer in response, "Father, I thank thee that thou hast purified those whom I have, chosen because of their faith..." (3 Nephi 19:28)

To purify and to sanctify something sound almost the same but they are different.

To PURIFY means to remove the contaminants from, to make clean.
To SANCTIFY goes a step beyond that, beyond just being clean... it means to make it holy, acceptable before God.

In the sacrament prayer we hear these words, "We ask thee in the name of thy Son, Jesus Christ, to bless and sanctify this bread [and this water]." (Moroni 4:3 & 5:2)

Do you ever think of how awesome it is that we can take an earthly element and ask the Lord to make it heavenly (holy and acceptable before Him)?  We ask Him to "bless and sanctify" it.  The brother of Jared took molten rocks before the Lord and prayed for Him to touch them and make them shine, to be acceptable light in their journey across the sea. (Ether 3:1-5)

Thinking of the sacrament... or (sanctifying moment)... what other things have you laid before the Lord and prayed for Him to "bless and sanctify":  Yourself, your mind & heart, your marriage, your family, your efforts in your calling, your friendships, your relationships... what else?

I believe when we do this, He will faithfully honor the request, for the Savior explained, "What man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?  If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?" (Matthew 7:9-11)

Whatever we lay before our Father in Heaven, when we ask Him to "bless and sanctify" it, we might ask these questions:

What will this sanctification look like in our lives?
What changes may occur because of it?
How long will the process be?
Will it be joyful or painful... or a mixture of both?
How will it stretch us?
What perspective will we keep as the Lord answers this request?

These insights are helpful to me.  I have prayed with all my heart for certain things to be "blessed and sanctified"... yet, I haven't always been ready for exactly "how" the Lord would do that.
Ultimately, I believe we have to keep the faith, that whatever we lay before before Him, it will be handled with the greatest care...  and He will work wonders with it!

-Alicia

Trying to be Good

Micah made a journal cover out of painted cardboard and has begun going through my quote books copying down ones he likes.  His favorite book to copy from is my "Quotable Lewis."  I had to take a couple of pictures of this because trying to describe how incredibly adorable this is in words alone doesn't work.  I love how he uses his little foot to hold open the book.  He says he wants to make a habit of writing down favorite quotes.  When he first showed me his journal cover and the new practice he had begun, I couldn't stop smiling.  This kind of thing makes me so proud!  I immediately thought of the verse in 3 John 1:4

"I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth."

One quote that Micah excitedly showed me a few nights ago was this; “No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good." - C.S. Lewis  This quote has been repeating over in my mind for the past couple of days.  Boy, do I feel it in my own life!  It's humbling because I am trying so very hard to be good and the more I try the more I see another area that needs changing or improvement.  It's like the completely remodeled house C.S. Lewis talks about:

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: 

But He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”

- C.S. Lewis

Sometimes trying to turn my whole entire heart over to the Lord is painful and I can testify that there are times it really "hurts abominably" but I know that "He is building quite a different house" from the one I ever imagined.  I'm not discouraged because of the change within me that must occur because I know it's for my good and I can feel the patient love of my Savior through the Atonement.  It's a beautiful thing!

-Alicia

Ch-ch-ch-Changes

"Turn and face the strange."

This David Bowie classic was never a favorite song of mine but somehow I always find myself singing it when life shifts in new or unknown directions .  A couple of days ago, I was discussing with my group of homeschool moms all of the things that are unraveling in the world and in the church.  We are witnessing an unprecedented gathering and unification among people of all faiths.  Scriptures are being fulfilled and the Lord is hastening His work.  It's a wonderful time to be alive!

"The changes that have occurred and are presently occurring in the Church are of epic proportions: prophecy fulfilling, mind-boggling, and—for those of us who are convinced that the Restoration is a reality—thrilling. " -  President Rex E. Lee

 Conference begins today with the General Women's Session and the other sessions in a week.  I love Christmas but sorry Andy Williams, "THIS is the MOST wonderful time of the year!!"

This conference is going to be different than others I've experienced in the past.  It hasn't been since 1906 three new apostles have been called at the same time.  And I have a feeling in the next six months, we will witness two more called in.  This is huge and I anticipate with these things there will also be a few policy or program changes.  I imagine that some of these changes may even try our faith, some members may complain about or become irritated with them.  Because this is a church led by Divine revelation, a world-wide and rapidly growing organization, adjustments to programs or policy often become necessary.

With these changes taking place...  How do we reconcile the scripture found in Mormon 9:9?  "For do we not read that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever, and in him there is no variableness neither shadow of changing?"

We understand:
"What I the Lord have spoken, I have spoken, and I excuse not myself; and though the heavens and the earth pass away, my word shall not pass away, but shall all be fulfilled, whether by mine own voice or by the voice of my servants, it is the same." - D&C 1:38

Also, "We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God." -Articles of Faith 1:9

What François de la Rochefoucauld has said may be true. “The only thing constant in life is change.”  We can see all around us every day, on earth and in the sky above evidence of motion, conversion, transformation, and flux.  As mysterious and strange as it may seem, change is a beautiful and essential part of creation!

So how is it God doesn't change?   It is His doctrine and principles that remain absolute.  With God, there is no such thing as moral relativism.  He is a God of perfect responsibility and trust.

President Rex E. Lee said,
“I cannot think of anything more important than for each of you to build a firm, personal testimony that there are in this life some absolutes, things that never change, regardless of time, place, or circumstances. They are eternal truths, eternal principles and, as Paul tells us, they are and will be the same yesterday, today, and forever.”

This is what I know for certain will always remain standing and true forever:

1. God lives!  We have a loving Father in Heaven who hears and answers our prayers. We can commune with Him night and day.  He is deeply involved in our lives and cares about us making choices that set our souls free and help us reach our Divine potential. 
2. Jesus Christ is our Savior, our Redeemer.  He is one with our Father and has atoned for our sins.  It is only in and through Him that we are saved.  He is the author and finisher of our faith.
3. The Book of Mormon is true.  It is another witness of Christ and is inspired for our day. It also bears testimony of the Bible, and modern revelation.
4. The Priesthood has been restored on the earth.  Joseph Smith was a true prophet and we have Prophets and Apostles to guide and direct us today. The words they speak are scripture.

As solid and firm as these absolutes and eternal truths are, there is still a change involved... a beautiful change within ourselves, a transformation, a conversion, a new birth, where we become who we are meant to become.  

No, God doesn't change... but He certainly changes us!!  This is the miracle of creation!!

"And now, if ye have imagined up unto yourselves a god who doth vary, and in whom there is shadow of changing, then have ye imagined up unto yourselves a god who is not a God of miracles.  But behold, I will show unto you a God of miracles, even the God of Abraham, and the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob; and it is that same God who created the heavens and the earth, and all things that in them are." - Mormon 9:10, 11

And now behold, I ask of you, my brethren of the church, have ye spiritually been born of God? Have ye received his image in your countenances? Have ye experienced this mighty change in your hearts? - Alma 5:14

"A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh.  And I will put my spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes, and ye shall keep my judgments, and do them.  And ye shall dwell in the land that I gave to your fathers; and ye shall be my people, and I will be your God." - Ezekiel 36:26-28

If we have experienced this mighty change within us, may we always stay true!  May we remain constant and obedient, reliable and trustworthy to all that our Father in Heaven asks of us.  Obedience is the first evidence of love and the first law of heaven.  I pray our hearts will be open to the changes that are coming within the Church.  I pray we will prepare our families to always follow and give heed to the words of the living prophets.  What a wonderful and exciting time to be alive as we witness the stone cut out of the mountains without hands rolling forth!!

-Alicia

Child of Light

With our girls at church today, we discussed preparations for our upcoming Young Women's in Excellence night. Memories from 10 years previous came into my mind of planning for the very same thing when I was serving in another ward YW's presidency...  I couldn't help but remember this song "Child of Light." It was a song I had discovered from an album written for 2004's EFY .  We used it with our girls the following January to sing for their special program.  I'd love our young women in my ward now to sing it sometime. I think it's absolutely beautiful!  I love it because it proclaims two truths about our identity - We were made to fly and we were meant to shine!  It is woven into our spiritual DNA!  We are literal sons and daughters of God, the Father of Light.  Do we realize the power we have been endowed with? How differently would we view one another, the stranger, the outcast, the sinner and the saint... if we could always see ourselves and everyone around us through this lens of truth?

"Ye are all the children of light, and the children of the day" 

- 1 Thessalonians 5:5

"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." 

- Isaiah 40:31

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson

I'm a believer!!
-Alicia

Child of Light

by, Mindy Gledhill

Do you ever wonder who you are

do your ever wonder as you stare into the stars

Where you began

And how you got this far

from home?

Have you ever walked along the shore

Have you ever seen the water dancing back and forth

Did you look inside

To see if there was more to life

There's a dream taking wing

There's a voice that wants to sing

Even in the deepest darkest night

The Torch is raised to the sky

There are hands that hold it high

You were born to keep it burning bright

You were made to fly you were meant to shine

Child of light

You will never ever stand alone

You were never called to bare your burdens on your own

Where there's fear

Love will take control

And lead you on

There's a dream taking wing

There's a voice that wants to sing

Even in the deepest darkest night

The Torch is raised to the sky

There are hands that hold it high

You were born to keep it burning bright

You were made to fly you were meant to shine

Child of light

A Greater Measure of the Spirit

I wrote this post almost a week ago but didn't publish it... It has just been sitting on the side as a draft and I almost forgot I had written it until I was reminded about these principles in my religion class today.  How desperately do we want the Spirit to guide us in our lives?  I love the intent and desire in the hearts of the disciples in 3 Nephi 19.  If you could ask God for anything, what would it be?  These men desired most of all to have the Holy Ghost.  (3 Nephi 19:9)  How is this obtained?  How can we know we are being guided by the Spirit?

When you scan through this chapter, the word "pray" is mentioned twenty-eight times.  It's found in 22 of the 36 verses and if you include the verses that are referencing prayer but don't necessarily say the word, then it is found in 26 of the 36 verses.  I love discoveries like this!

 When the resurrected Lord ministered unto the ancient inhabitants of this land, He gave the sermon on the mount, He administered the sacrament more than once, many were baptized, and He taught and exemplified a very clear pattern of prayer.

The Lord calls twelve disciples who are baptized in His name and they are blessed with the power of His Spirit (3 Ne.19:4,9-13). As they kneel to pray, the Savior's "countenance did smile upon them, and the light of His countenance did shine upon them" (3 Nephi 19:25).  Now this is so cool because something happened to the disciples as they were praying...  They began to shine! "behold, they were as white as the countenance and also the garments of Jesus."
The Savior recognized this and thanks the Father in prayer saying, "I thank thee that thou hast purified those who I have chosen, because of their faith." (19:28)  They were shining because they were purified!

Let's look at that word "purified."
Purified = free from anything that debases, pollutes, cheapens, or contaminates.
sanctified, made holy, set apart, consecrated.

This is what they desired with all of their souls.  This is what they plead and prayed for! (19:24)
Do we desire this too?  How do we obtain it?  Christ says we can.  He says that as we hearken and believe on the words of these twelve we will also be purified, "Father, I thank thee that thou hast purified those whom I have chosen, because of their faith, and I pray for them, and also for them who shall believe on their words, that they may be purified in me, through faith on their words, even as they are purified in me."(19:28)

This solidifies to me the necessity to be aligned with the Bretheren! They are true messengers.

Can you imagine what that must have been like to witness, to be in the presence of, to see with our own eyes and hear with our own ears, prayers offered by the Savior Himself and His twelve disciples?!  "And the mulitude did hear and do bear record; and their hearts were open and they did understand in their hearts the words which He prayed... so great and marvelous were the words which He prayed that they cannot be written, neither can they be uttered by man." (19:33,34)

After this chapter the Savior administers the sacrament again.  Christ has declared that He is the "Bread of life" (John 6:35)  He gives this bread to the twelve and "when they had eaten He commanded them that they should break bread, and give unto the multitude." And He does the same with the wine. (3 Nephi 20:4-7)

This is significant because the sacrament has everything to do with sanctification and purification.  If we listen to the words of the prayer, we learn that this renewal of our covenants, this re-committing ourselves, opens us to refinement, that we may "always have His spirit" to be with us. (Moroni 4:3 5:2)

Prayer is a powerful, powerful tool.  It is an expression of faith!
I believe that the everyday prayers, morning and night, and the heart-felt ones in-between, all throughout our week, help to prepare us for the sacred ordinance of the the sacrament on the Sabbath.  I believe that when our desire is the the same as those twelve disciples, our hearts will be receptive.  We will hunger and thirst for His spirit to always be with us, we will be open to the words of the disciples He has chosen.  Their teachings will become our daily bread, they will become part of our very being, and we will be filled!

- Alicia

Focal Point

"The light of the body is the eye; if, therefore, thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light." - 3 Nephi 13:22

What does it mean for our eye to be single?
 I believe the answer is illustrated in various settings of our lives.

On the stage of our social arenas, it can be tempting to pander to the people or hide behind the curtains in fear of them.  But if our "eye is single" to the glory of God,  we won't be concerned with audiences but rather with alleluias.  We will remember always that "whatsoever [we] do, [to] do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men"- Colossians 3:23.  

We see this same doctrine echoed in 3 Nephi 13:1-2 and Matthew 6:1-2  We are warned to "take heed that [we] do not [our] alms before men to be seen of them" to "not sound a trumpet" or announce our good works for everyone to hear.

"Latter-day Saints whose eyes are single to God’s glory see life from a vastly different perspective than those whose attention is directed elsewhere. Such members, for instance, care little about receiving credit or recognition for their good deeds. They are more interested in feeding the Lord’s sheep than in counting them. In fact, they frequently find their greatest happiness in serving anonymously, thereby leaving the beneficiaries of their kindness with no one to thank or praise except the Lord." - Marlin K. Jensen

Henry Drummond taught, "Love more persons more -- love them more impersonally, more unselfishly, without thought of return. The return, never fear, will take care of itself." - Henry Drummond

I love that, "without thought of return."  Again I say, this all stems from the fact that we are not concerned with audiences but rather with alleluias. Think of how freeing it is to never have it cross our mind whether people notice us, to never "worry" about being loved, admired, or adored.  The Creator of the Universe already loves, admires, and adores us!!  Shouldn't that be sufficient?!! It should be and it should also be very sobering... because we are "less than the dust of the earth."

Another setting for our "eye to be single" could be in times of trouble, sorrow, difficulty, or struggle.  I imagine Peter attempting to walk on the water, stepping out in faith and miraculously making his way to the Savior.  As long as he had his eyes fixed on the Lord, wholly, completely, and decidedly, Peter's steps were stable and secure ... But when he took his focus off Christ, "he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me." - Matthew 14:30

We must not fear but rather persevere through the storms, no matter how threatening the winds and the waves may become. We must keep our eyes fixed on Him trusting completely with our mind, heart, and actions that He is mighty to save.

Christ has taught that in Him we shall "find rest to [our] souls." He said, "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." - John 14:27

"Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin." - 3 Nephi 13:28

When our lives are centered on the Savior, "the light of the world," when He is the focal point in all we say and do, our "whole body shall be full of  light" and we will have peace!  It will be as shining rays of hope in the darkest of nights, filling and illuminating our souls and the souls of all who partake of it.  No man can rob it from us, elements of sea or earth cannot destroy it, and prison cells cannot bar it's presence, for it is not of this world.  This peace "is a treasure in heaven,[brighter than the sun] where moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal." - 3 Nephi 13:19-20  

-Alicia

Thank You for Cutting Me Down

I've been listening to one of my favorite talks by Hugh B. Brown, "God is the Gardener."  I bought a copy of it on CD from Deseret Book a few months after my husband and I were married.

 During these last couple of weeks, I've played this talk several times over.  My boy, Micah, loves it when I play it and always stops whatever he is doing and curls up next to the speakers to listen.  (It's really sweet and tugs on my heart as a mother. He's such a great kid.)  He knows how to recognize a good thing.  This talk is classic!!   I am sure that it's loved by so many in the Church because it resonates so well with our experiences in life that "bring us low" or shake us up.  I am truly thankful the for the moments in my life where I have been "cut down." I'm so thankful to know that I have a Father in Heaven who "loves me enough to hurt me."  He knows who I am to become.  I trust the Gardner!

"God will have a humble people. Either we can choose to be humble or we can be compelled to be humble. Alma said, “Blessed are they who humble themselves without being compelled to be humble.” (Alma 32:16)

Let us choose to be humble. " - President Ezra Taft Benson "Beware of Pride"

"Sixty-odd years ago I was on a farm in Canada. I had purchased the farm from another who had been somewhat careless in keeping it up. I went out one morning and found a currant bush that was at least six feet high. I knew that it was going all to wood. There was no sign of blossom or of fruit. I had had some experience in pruning trees before we left Salt Lake to go to Canada, as my father had a fruit farm. So I got my pruning shears and went to work on that currant bush, and I clipped it and cut it and cut it down until there was nothing left but a little clump of stumps.

And as I looked at them, I yielded to an impulse, which I often have, to talk with inanimate things and have them talk to me. It’s a ridiculous habit. It’s one I can’t overcome. As I looked at this little clump of stumps, there seemed to be a tear on each one, and I said, “What’s the matter, currant bush? What are you crying about?”

And I thought I heard that currant bush speak. It seemed to say, “How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth. I was almost as large as the fruit tree and the shade tree, and now you have cut me down. And all in the garden will look upon me with contempt and pity. How could you do it? I thought you were the gardener here.”

I thought I heard that from the currant bush. I thought it so much that I answered it.

I said, “Look, little currant bush, I am the gardener here, and I know what I want you to be. If I let you go the way you want to go, you will never amount to anything. But someday, when you are laden with fruit, you are going to think back and say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me.’” - Hugh B. Brown "God is the Gardener"

And here is the testimony that I love. I add my witness to this.  God is good, so very, very good!

"God is aware of you individually. He knows who you are and what you are, and, furthermore, He knows what you are capable of becoming. Be not discouraged, then, if you do not get all the things you want just when you want them. Have the courage to go on and face your life and, if necessary, reverse it to bring it into harmony with His law...  someday, when you are ripened in life, you are going to shout back across the time and say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for cutting me down, for loving me enough to hurt me.’" 

- Hugh B. Brown "God is the Gardener"

-Alicia

The Challenge to Become

Some days are harder than others... Yesterday was hard.
It will get easier with time, I'm sure.

I'm grateful for the opportunity to learn though.  I'm working on expressing sincere appreciation for the smallest and simplest of things and embracing the present moments.  There are blessings everywhere, far more than I deserve!  My heart is truly filled with gratitude when I reflect on all I have, here and now.  And, I can honestly say that I am grateful for every moment my heart hurts.  Through the pain, I can feel I'm being refined...  Ultimately, I know that is what I want, refinement.  I pray for Divine tutoring.

I'm so thankful for a Savior who knows me, who knows each and every one of us, because He has experienced every possible struggle as if it was His own.  Alma 7:11,12  I want to follow His example.  I pray for the Lord to open my eyes to people around me who need my help, I pray for opportunities to serve (especially in my own home).  I need opportunities to forget myself and go to work.  I know this will help me through.

"Our needed conversions are often achieved more readily by suffering and adversity than by comfort and tranquility,... Father Lehi promised his son Jacob that God would 'consecrate [his] afflictions for [his] gain' (2 Ne. 2:2). The Prophet Joseph was promised that “thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high” (D&C 121:7–8).

Most of us experience some measure of what the scriptures call 'the furnace of affliction' (Isa. 48:10; 1 Ne. 20:10). ...Through the justice and mercy of a loving Father in Heaven, the refinement and sanctification possible through such experiences can help us achieve what God desires us to become.

We are challenged to move through a process of conversion toward that status and condition called eternal life. This is achieved not just by doing what is right, but by doing it for the right reason—for the pure love of Christ." - Elder Dallin H. Oaks The Challenge to Become- Oct. 2000 General Conference

 "Ye shall offer for a sacrifice unto me a broken heart and a contrite spirit. And whoso cometh unto me with a broken heart and a contrite spirit, him will I baptize with fire and with the Holy Ghost." - 3 Nephi 9:20

-Alicia

Give Me Faith
by, Royal Taylor

Converted Unto the Lord

I'm studying Alma 23 for my religion class.  I really appreciate this chapter because it speaks of true conversion, which is something I'm trying to focus more on applying from my scriptures.

Conversion is more than testimony.

Elder Bednar taught that "Testimony is important and necessary but not sufficient to provide the spiritual strength and protection we need. Some members of the Church with testimonies have wavered and fallen away. Their spiritual knowledge and commitment did not measure up to the challenges they faced."  

Compare that with conversion.
"As many... as believed in...[the prophets] preaching and were converted unto the Lord, never did fall away" - Alma 23:6

They "never did fall away."  To be truly converted unto the Lord guarantees us a spiritual safeguard.  What a significant gift!

Elder Bednar taught that,  "Knowing that the gospel is true is the essence of a testimony. Consistently being true to the gospel is the essence of conversion."

This causes me to conclude that conversion is the spiritual fusion of mind, heart, and action.  It is when "what we know" in our mind becomes "what we cherish" in our heart, and what we cherish in our heart shows in the very outward expressions of "what we do."

To go into more detail about what conversion looks like, I've laid out the main points that Elder Bednar gives in his talk:

CONVERSION IS:

1.   A change in one’s beliefs, heart, and life to accept and conform to the will of God (see Acts 3:19; 3 Nephi 9:20) and includes a conscious commitment to become a disciple of Christ.

2. An enlarging, a deepening, and a broadening of the undergirding base of testimony.

3. The result of revelation from God, accompanied by individual repentance, obedience, and diligence.

4. An offering of self, of love, and of loyalty we give to God in gratitude for the gift of testimony.

5. All of our heart, all of our might, and all of our mind and strength (see D&C 4:2).

6. Experiencing a mighty change in our hearts, having a disposition to do good continually, going forward in the path of duty, walking circumspectly before God, keeping the commandments, and serving with unwearied diligence.

7. An ongoing process and not a onetime event... our motives, our thoughts, our words, and our deeds become aligned with the will of God. Conversion unto the Lord requires both persistence and patience.

8. A setting aside our cherished “weapons of rebellion” such as selfishness, pride, and disobedience.

9,  Constant devotion to the revealed truth we have received—with a heart that is willing and for righteous reasons.

(Converted Unto the Lord by, David A. Bednar)

I want this safeguard in my life, this kind of protection!  I pray the Lord will help me have the kind of heart that allows these things to sink deep in my soul, that it changes my very nature.  I want to be a person of integrity where everything I say, everything I do, everything I am is out of a sincere, pure desire to show love for my Savior and to be more like Him.  I have so much to learn.  I'm grateful that the Lord is so very patient with me.

-Alicia