Seeking Inspiration

I'm really pleased with how our new approach to family scripture study is going. It seems like everyone is participating more. With this new way, Joseph and I aren't the ones doing all the talking. The kids share what they are learning and we are able to keep record of the comments each of them  make. So far, it seems they are enjoying the overall experience more.

I'm trying to find ways now that will help me with my personal scripture study. I'm pretty good at maintaining daily reading but I don't always do so well retaining what I've read.(If that makes sense.)

I think at this time in my life, I'm really seeking to find verses of scripture that will inspire me to action in my specific realm of influence: in my calling, as a wife, as a mother, as a foster mom, as a student, etc. After prayer, I open the pages and want words to jump out at me - I want my eyes to be open to the things I keep missing, to recognize what the Lord is trying to tell me.

I've discovered that a good mixture of conference talks and scriptures each day work best for me. I'm not a huge book reader but I love listening to talks and books. I feel like I can get a lot more accomplished if I'm moving while I'm listening.  I don't sit still very well.... never have.

-Alicia

Panel Discussion

Joseph and I went to an all-day foster care training today. The most powerful part of the training was a two-hour panel discussion with five different youth who have aged out of the system. This panel of fosters were good kids and you'd never guess some had lived with more than seven foster families. Most of these young adults from the panel are currently in college and or living on their own. I was grateful to hear their advice to foster parents of what works and what doesn't because they have that hindsight. Through their inspiring and heartbreaking stories, Joseph and I were able to recognize several areas where we need to improve if we want a better experience with our placements. It was eye-opening and very humbling to say the least. I'm glad we're still moving forward with this whole foster care experience. It is changing us in ways nothing else ever could.

-Alicia

Seeking to Learn

I've really enjoyed Education Week so far! Joseph, Chandler, Miriam, and I have all been going to the evening classes. Two of my classes are on improving marriage.

Some of my biggest take-away's from the marriage classes have been my need to purposefully and deliberately choose a more positive vocabulary. When expressing desires or emotions with Joseph and the kids, I know that I set the tone quite often in my home... It's good for me to evaluate if my conversations are centered on complaining or complimenting. I think by praying daily for the ability to recognize the law of the harvest in my home, I will more consciously sow positive expressions and sincere praise.

Because life rarely goes how we expect it to, it can be easy to feel a little jaded. This is where I think faith comes in. Don't expect so much -be more grateful for small things. It takes faith to keep putting forth effort, time, energy, and positive reinforcements into our most vital relationships -  It takes faith because we rarely see the results right away. But no kind words, no thoughtful gesture, no act of self-less service, no time set aside for our spouse or our children is ever wasted!

I enjoyed a youth class with my kids the other evening about trials. The speaker cited from the lives of some ancient and modern day prophets who went through severe trials. He drew our attention to how their lives unfolded in the end and that it was the very hardships and struggles that shaped and molded them into the inspirational characters of history we revere.

I found a verse in my scripture study today that goes well with these thoughts on trials:

"The Lord God caused that there should be a furious wind blow upon the face of the waters, towards the promised land; and thus they were tossed upon the waves of the sea before the wind.... And it came to pass that the wind did never cease to blow towards the promised land while they were upon the waters; and thus they were driven forth before the wind, and they did sing praises unto the Lord" - Ether 6:5,8,9

I'm sure the wind and waves made the Jaredites very sick and frustrated multiple times on their journey across the ocean...  but it was those very two elements that God used to get them to the promised land. I'm sure in the end, they were praising the Lord for the wind and waves. This gives me hope.

-Alicia

Above the Nay-saying and Pessimism

Yesterday, I attended the funeral for a young man, Jeromiah, who passed away a few short months from turning twenty due to complications he suffered with muscular dystrophy.  He had been diagnosed at the age of three and as each year passed, the disease took over his ability to walk, his ability to move his arms, his ability to speak very well, and eventually his entire body--except for very slight movements in a couple fingers. Spending most of his life in a quadriplegic wheelchair, this courageous young man refused to let his spirit be confined.  He graduated from college, was a graphic designer, a blogger, and was preparing to serve a mission for the Church. 

This excerpt from his Salutatory Address inspires me so much.  He said, "Let us be proactive and independent in our minds and motivations, above the nay-saying and pessimism we are sure to encounter. But let us still depend on those who care about us. May we be dependable citizens and reliable community members, to support each other as we go forth into the world and change it for the better." - Jeromiah Drennan

And he certainly changed the world for the better. I'm sure Jeromiah had his days where he struggled to live his own counsel but his accomplishments are proof that he truly practiced what he preached.

It's no surpise to me that he loved the book, Man's Search for Meaning. He completely understood that "Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." - Victor Frankl

Reflecting on all that was shared at the funeral yesterday, I'm compelled to ask myself, "What level of gratitude is in my heart and how can I avoid nay-saying and pessimism? Where do I limit myself? What practices, habits, or self-talk will free my spirit from being confined by the forces of opposition in my life?" 

One other quote given at the services yesterday was this description of the highest education by President Hinckley. I believe this education is more readily achieved when we grasp our true spiritual identity and the true spiritual identity of everyone around us--the untouchable portion of our soul that is of infinite worth to our loving Father in Heaven.

"Each day we are made increasingly aware of the fact that life is more than science and mathematics, more than history and literature. There is need for another education, without which the substance of secular learning may lead only to destruction. I refer to the education of the heart, of the conscience, of the character, of the spirit—these indefinable aspects of our personalities which determine so certainly what we are and what we do in our relationships one with another." - President Gordon B. Hinckley

What beautiful tributes were made to celebrate the life of Jeromiah yesterday! Physically limited but not spiritually bound, this young man may have had a completely immovable body - but oh how his spirit SOARED!!

-Alicia

One-On-One Winter Semester

Winter Semester started this week. I love being on campus so much! For the next few months, I have three of my kids lined up with Seeds of Success--a group of volunteer BYU students who study one-on-one with kids for an hour each week.  Micah and Kaylee go to campus on Mondays and Miriam goes on Thursdays.  I have my class that I attend each week too so, I get to be on campus more than ever this semester.

 The kids love their tutors! Doing their schoolwork one-on-one with college-aged students inspires them to seek a higher education, it helps them learn to socialize with a more mature age, and gives them outstanding role models to follow in their most formative years.

While Miriam studied yesterday, I was able to have one-on-one time with my foster daughter and it seemed to fill the need of her attention bucket for almost the rest of the day.

While Micah and Kaylee study on campus with their tutors, my foster son has expressed the desire to have one-on-one time and be given a tour of the buildings at BYU. I'm more than happy to give him a tour of my favorite place on earth.

Here's to another semester of life, love, and learning!

-Alicia

"All that [I] need" - Ponderize - Week 62

I like taking my kids to class with me at BYU. They always fight over who's turn it is since I only allow for one of them at a time.  All of them love it!  Well, almost all of them.... Chandler is the only one who doesn't really care to attend with me but he still loves to use the campus for his studies.  It works out great for him because he's only enrolled at the high school for his extracurricular classes. All his core classes are online so he can do those anywhere there is a computer.  His favorite thing is to use my student ID and password for the computers on campus to do his schoolwork.

This week is the last of my semester.  My foster son wanted to join me in my class tonight. He sat pretty quietly as he read the books he brought.  I was proud of his behavior.  

After the hour was finished, I walked my foster son over to the vending machines to let him pick a treat.  I think that's what he was looking forward to the most. He's envied the other kids when they've return from one of my classes with treats in hand.  He picked a soda and a pack of gum for his reward, skipping along with delight.

He wanted me to give him a tour of the whole campus. I walked him through a couple of buildings and drove him past a few more but said I'd have to save the rest for another time.  He seemed to really enjoy the opportunities this evening, asking when he'd be able to join me for class again. I told him I'd start up a couple more classes in January.  He was happy about that.

I've really enjoyed this semester.  So far, I'm getting the highest percentage grade out of everyone in my class (something I was not expecting at all).  I'm really excited about my final presentation for Saturday night. We're all giving our own short little Ted Talks; Mine will be about foster parenting.  I shared a portion of it in peer review today and got some great feedback. I'm so grateful I have this opportunity to go to school.  It is my dream come true!!  

I'm feeling really blessed in my life.  I think a good scripture for this week is 2 Corinthians 9:8,

"God is able to bless you abundantly, 

so that in all things at all times, 

having all that you need, 

you will abound in every good work." 

(NIV version)

-Alicia :)

ABC - 123

Around 22 years ago I was given a special blessing that reminds me of my life's mission. In that blessing I was told that because of my Savior's sacrifice, I might "not only have life but [I'll] have it most abundantly".  This is a promise to all true followers of Christ! As I reflect on what the phrase means to "have life most abundantly" I think of what we are here on earth for: to learn.

Education is part of the abundant life, especially the education that shapes and molds our eternal destiny.  So, let's talk a little about ABC's and 123's... :)

Thomas S. Monson describes the abundant life as something to be sought after like a quest--through three applied principles:

"A is for Attitude--So much in life depends on our attitude. The way we choose to see things and respond to others makes all the difference. To do the best we can and then to choose to be happy about our circumstances, whatever they may be, can bring peace and contentment.

B is for Believe--in yourself, in those around you, and in eternal principles... Don’t limit yourself and don’t let others convince you that you are limited in what you can do. Believe in yourself and then live so as to reach your possibilities. You can achieve what you believe you can. Trust and believe and have faith.

C is for Courage--Have the determination to make the effort, the single-mindedness to work toward a worthy goal, and the courage not only to face the challenges that inevitably come but also to make a second effort, should such be required. 'Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.'(Mary Anne Radmacher)"

- President Thomas S. Monson

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin gave a talk called "The Abundant Life" and in it, he lists three things that describe where we find it:

One-- Living Water: "Fully understood and embraced, the gospel of Jesus Christ heals broken hearts, infuses meaning into lives, binds loved ones together with ties that transcend mortality, and brings to life a sublime joy."

Two-- Love: "Love is the essence of the gospel and the greatest of all the commandments. The Savior taught that every other commandment and prophetic teaching hangs upon it.(Matt. 22:40). The Apostle Paul wrote that 'all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.'(Gal. 5:14)"

Three-- Make a masterpiece: "The third quality of those who live abundant lives is that they, with the help of their Heavenly Father, create a masterpiece of their lives. No matter our age, circumstances, or abilities, each one of us can create something remarkable of his life. David saw himself as a shepherd, but the Lord saw him as a king of Israel."

-Joseph B. Wirthlin

There you have it, my friends. It really is that simple.  It really is that beautiful! This really is the life!! Bless you in your noble quest to further your education! Enter to learn and go forth to serve! I believe in you.

-Alicia

God Can Even Use Me

These are some highlights I've selected from a fantastic BYU devotional by, Dean M. Davies, I discovered about a week ago.  I love this!!

"...You might say, “I’m no one special... I’m not a celebrity. I’m nobody. I’m average in every way. I’m not particularly smart, eloquent, coordinated, well dressed, or even well behaved. How could God use me?”

Don’t you know that since the beginning of time our Heavenly Father has reached out to those who were average and used them for His purposes?

Gideon was a farmer, but God saw him as the man who would deliver Israel from bondage.

When Samuel stood before the people to present to them their new young King Saul, the Bible tells us that Saul was so terrified that he “hid himself among the stuff.”(1 Samuel 10:22)

Even though Esther was an orphan and a captive in a strange land, she saved her people from execution. Even today the Jews celebrate the Feast of Purim to commemorate her courage.

When it came time for our Savior to restore His Church to the earth, whom did He choose? There were many refined, educated, well-dressed, well-spoken people on the earth at that time. But our Savior chose a rough, humble boy—a farmer, a youth with very little formal schooling.

Why does the Lord choose the weak things of the world for His purposes? Why does God choose the “base things of the world, and things which are despised”? Paul answered his own question: “That no flesh should glory in his presence.”(1 Cor. 1:28–29)

Why do you suppose God told Gideon to keep sending his troops home until he only had three hundred men to face more than one hundred thousand of the enemy?

Why do you think our Savior chose a fisherman to be His chief apostle who would lead the Church after He was gone?

Why do you suppose God chose an ­untutored farm boy to translate the Book of Mormon?

First, because God doesn’t look on our ­countenance or the height of our stature...

...Second, because God is able to take the most humble clay and create of it a masterpiece.

...Third, God chooses the average and the weak so that no man can boast and say, “I have done this out of my own ability.” He uses ordinary “earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.”

...Our Heavenly Father doesn’t need you to be mighty, intelligent, well dressed, well-spoken, or well inherited. He needs you to incline your hearts to Him and seek to honor Him by serving Him and reaching out in compassion to those around you."

More Mindful

So far this semester, I've really enjoyed my class, Writing and Rhetoric.  Each chapter I've studied, essay I've written, and lecture I've listened too has shown me how much more mindful, thoughtful, and informed I need to be with the opinions I hold and the words I say.

I like to think that I'm open-minded to people who believe different than me but now and then I catch a very unflattering glimpse of myself unwilling to explore the position or reasoning of an opposing view. I'm terribly uncomfortable with debate and I suppose part of that stems from my lack of several tools: vocabulary, wit, and knowledge... just to name a few.

Still though, I want to learn. I desperately want to learn! I need things to push me out of my comfort zone and I need to get over my fear of rejection or acceptance.  I have talents and gifts unique to me that I know can be a strength and benefit to others.  I know that if I just had more skill and know-how with some of these gifts, I could go so much further and do so much more good than I have in my life.

I feel grateful for the opportunity to go to school, especially BYU.  I'm glad I've decided to stick with enrollment this semester because it's working out, even with my upside-down life right now.  Being on campus (not in online courses but real face-to-face classes) is so thrilling. I recognize every time the incredible blessing it is to further my education. Stepping into the classrooms and being a part of the academic and spiritual atmosphere is absolutely energizing!  I know this is right where I want to be in my life.  I'm so glad I'm here... even if I have a long, long road ahead of me.

-Alicia

What a great day!

Today was a very good day.  The meetings and speakers were all so perfect and the atmosphere was beautiful.  It felt wonderful to celebrate our fathers and I had so much fun making it an enjoyable day for my husband.  He really is such a fantastic dad!!

Another thing I loved about today was I just finished reading the book that came in the mail yesterday.  This author has a very powerful spirit because just reading her words, her presence seems to transcend space and time.  I can't explain it but it's very tangible.

If I were asked to choose three favorite parts in this book it would be hard because she shared some really wonderful things.  But nevertheless, if I had to choose...I'd narrow it down to these:

I like this part because she mentions Superman and where real superhuman power comes from:
"We live in a society which idolizes the heroes - Superman, Luke Skywalker, etc.  In fantasy we dream of becoming such a wonder.  Yet, through the divine assistance of a living God, we can in fact perform mighty miracles - superhuman miracles!  This is superhuman power and no pretended Hollywood character can match it.  To be willing to go forward on a sure course with the Spirit is to enter a whole new real of gospel living.  Living by the Spirit is exciting, unpredictable and- I choose my word carefully- fun! Yes, fun!" - Mollie Sorensen

I really like this first part because she touches on being 'mothers' not only in a physical sense but in a spiritual sense...  and I like that in regards to my journey to become a foster mom.  
More especially though, I love this quote she shares from Parley P. Pratt because I've experienced "such persons" in my life.
"To become a mother in Zion refers not only to the begetting of physical children, but more specifically the begetting of Christ-like qualities in others... Parely P. Pratt explained, 'In the presence of such persons one feels to enjoy the light of their countenances, as the genial rays of a sunbeam.  Their very atmosphere diffuses a thrill, a warm glow of pure gladness and sympathy, to the heart and nerves of others who have kindred feelings, or sympathy of spirit.  No matter if the parties are strangers, entirely unknown to each other, each will be apt to remark in his own mind and perhaps exclaim, when referring to the interview, 'Oh, what an atmosphere encircles that stranger!  How my heart thrilled with pure and holy feelings in his presence!  What confidence and sympathy he inspired!  His countenance and spirit gave me more assurance than a thousand written recommendations or introductory letters.' Such is the Gift of the Holy Spirit and such are its operations..." (Key to Theology, p. 102)

And last but not least, I like the very ending of her book because I feel that in just a few short years, my eyes have been opened to some amazing sights and I have enjoyed some very precious experiences, for which my soul is forever grateful!
"Amazing sights of glory are opened to the one who is willing to grow and yield to the Spirit: sights of faith and hope that make every day exciting and adventurous, sights of love and caring that make meeting the new neighbor down the block a precious experience, sights of living that cause one to relish a new sunrise and the morning dew, sights of freedom that prompt one to dance up and down the street, sights of joy that seem to overflow into ecstasy, and sights of glory that defy description.... We must decide to what we are now, or to become what we can become through the Spirit.  The 'sights' are glorious and well worth whatever effort to obtain A New Spirit Within You." - Mollie Sorensen

- Alicia

It came today!

I ordered a book last weekend from Amazon.  A friend of mine told me the title of this book his mom had written and so a few days later I decided to look it up.  I was so happy to find a copy in print... and it came in the mail today!!

 I've read one other book by this author in an online version and I've read about 10 or 12 pages from a  a book called, A More Perfect Union.

It looks like a super quick read but drawing from what I know, I'm certain that it will be very soul filling and highly edifying.  :)

-Alicia

Slow down!

I have an impeccably clean driving record...
Or at least I did, until today.  I mean, really... who gets pulled over twice in less than 24 hours??  Apparently, I do.

 "Ma'am, why the rush?" the officer asked, as my kids hid their faces with embarrassment. My teenage son slapped his forehead and groaned, "Nice going mom. I told you like three seconds before this happened that you were going to get a ticket."
I think seeing the disappointment in my children's faces gave the officer pity and he let me go with a warning.

The second time didn't turn out as good.  Maybe it's because my children weren't with me to "smooth" things over.  I just made it down the hill when I saw the flashing lights appear in my rear-view mirror.  I thought to myself, "You've got to be kidding."

"Do you have any idea how fast you were going?" Um, I didn't.  I had driven down that street a million times and I honestly didn't feel like I was going any faster than usual.  The chances for the second officer to let me go were slim because he could see in his reports that I had been pulled over just the day before.  I took the ticket feeling totally bummed and drove home.

"Why the rush, Alicia?"  It wasn't the first time someone had asked me that... or at least in words very similar.  The greeter/security guard at the local grocery store (who I swear looks just like Clarence, the angel, from It's a Wonderful Life) always says two things to me when I walk through the doors:  "It's so nice to see your smile again."  and "You are always in a hurry."  He notices it too.  I guess I do run in and out of there pretty fast.

Maybe my experience with being pulled over twice in a row is more than just a fluke to mess up my perfect little driving record.  Maybe it's meant to bring more clearly to my attention,"what lack I yet?"
I've pondered on this all day today and I keep having this strange mix playing in my head of President Uchtdorft's voice,"We would do well to slow down a bit" and Simon & Garfunkel,"Slow down, you're going to fast."

It really is the story of my life.  Perhaps it will be one of those things I will struggle to learn until my dying day...  Or maybe the ailments of age and tutors of experience will finally beat it into me?

Either way... I don't know.
But for now, step aside! I've got places to go, people to see, things to do, and lessons to learn! ;)

-Alicia

Government: Of Nations & Families

It's just one of those weeks where everything has somehow piled into just a few short days: I must say that if I have my choice between a jam-packed week and one with nothing to do, I prefer the packed week.  Although, with this one I don't think my physical body is keeping up with me very well.  I've been in the ring fighting this heavy chest cold and I think it's winning. booo!

I really, really love American Heritage - It's my favorite BYU class I've had so far!  I took my 2nd midterm a few nights ago.  I did well and I'm proud to say that my over-all grade is in the highest bracket range of the class.

I've noticed an interesting pattern from studying some of the most prominent founding documents of the most brilliant minds of history and observing how things unfolded in the aftermath. Interpretation of the documents varied, parts needed to be altered and changes had to be made to allow freedom for all men, women, races, and creeds. Changes came at a very high cost: There were battles; bloody brutal battles, economically, politically, religiously, and racially to hammer it all out.  We're still evolving as a people and as a nation and we've accomplished much good.  But the enemies we fight never seem to go away.  It's a constant struggle to not fall prey to the beasts of tyranny or anarchy.  We seek balance.

I've also realized that solutions to problems always look better in writing.  It has caused me to reflect on the government of our home, the way we as parents rule and raise our children.  As my husband and I have tried to write up goals for our family, plan out ways to reach each child, and invent new "rewards programs".... it always, always, looks better in writing!  After our "brilliant brain-storming" we have it in our minds what things we're going to do differently to lead our little troop. And we set out feeling pretty good, but consistent with raising children... battles follow... and some quite brutal to hammer everything out.  What works for one kid would never work for the other.  Where do we lead?  How much do we lead?  What methods do we hang on to?  Where do we stand back? What should we let go?  What's most important?  What doesn't matter, what does?  You get the idea.

It's like whatever stage we've come to as parents, we constantly find ourselves in the realm of being "rookies".  We might find ourselves in the dark after years of practice and say, "That's it! We surrender! We have no clue what to do with this one!" But according to the talk from Sister Wiseman I posted earlier this week, being in the unknown isn't always a bad thing: "I think we need to recognize that we tend to do our best work when we're on the outer edges of what we know, when we're doing something hard and new and we're growing through challenge."

It is certainly a challenge to raise children.  I am often astonished and then quite grateful for how humbling of an undertaking it is.  Even our wonderful nation, "our shining city on a hill" (as John Winthrop called it) is far from perfect.  There was never really a "golden age" because our history is re-pleat with flaws and embarrassments.  With both governments (our nation and our little family) everything looks better in writing... but then we have to enter the real world, deal with real people, and fight real battles.  It is so much easier said than done.  But that's okay, we don't have to have it all down at once,  it will all work out -  "Sometimes in our state of not knowing is actually where we come to know God." - Liz Wiseman

 -Alicia

"I have lived, Sir, a long time, and the longer I live, the more convincing proofs I see of this truth- that God Governs in the affairs of men. And if a sparrow cannot fall to the ground without his notice, is it probable that an empire can rise without his aid?...how has it happened, Sir, that we have not hitherto once thought of humbly applying to the Father of lights to illuminate our understandings?... when we were sensible of danger we had daily prayer in this room for the divine protection.- Our prayers, Sir, were heard, & they were graciously answered. All of us who were engaged in the struggle must have observed frequent instances of a superintending providence in our favor." - Benjamin Franklin

"The Power of Not Knowing" - Ponderize - Week 23

"Wisdom is the highest spiritual intelligence.  While the natural man, through knowledge, can know nothing of wisdom.  A man may have a great intelligence and yet have nothing of the Christ life within him."

- Jane Lathrop Stanford

Liz Wiseman gave a great forum address at BYU several weeks ago called The Power of Not Knowing. I listened to it today. This is one of those talks I definitely want to repeat several times.  I really feel like I need to be better at asking questions and not act like I have all the answers, especially with my children.  It's a place of humility I know I haven't achieved yet.  

The text from this lecture isn't available but I've jotted down a few things she presents that I really, really love:

"Can we actually get too smart?... Is there actually more power in not knowing? I want to make a case for ignorance, and not ignorance in the case of the lack of education or stupidity, but simply the lack of certainty... As we gain knowledge and as we gain intelligence and we get smart, can we get a little too full of ourselves, a little too smart for our own good and maybe even a little too smart for the good of others?

When we come to depend on acquired knowledge, we can fall easily prey to secularism which offers us a one-eyed view of the world.... it's like we see half of the colors in a spectrum.  But we don't really fully see clearly until we unite our knowledge and our faith.

I think sometimes in our state of not knowing, it's actually where we come to know God.  It's where we discover!

We're so often at our best when we don't know.  The best leaders don't have the answers.  The best leaders have really good questions.  And they use those questions and their own intelligence to bring out the genius in the people around them.

I think it's time we recognize that at the top of the intelligence hierarchy, is not the genius - it's the genius maker.  And I think we need to recognize that we tend to do our best work when we're on the outer edges of what we know, when we're doing something hard and new and we're growing through challenge."

I think my favorite part in everything Sister Wiseman says is this:

"Sometimes in our state of not knowing is actually where we come to know God."

The uncertainty we face and the questions that may arise need not make us fearful of our capabilities or our future... for they humble us and bring us to our knees in prayer, connecting us with our all-knowing Father in Heaven.  The verse I've chosen to ponderize for this week is short but it will serve as a reminder to me that ultimately, there is beauty in not having all the answers and that there is infinite treasure to be discovered in the process of seeking.

"I applied mine heart to know, and to search, and to seek out wisdom, and the reason of things" - Ecclesiastes 7:25

-Alicia

The Depth of God

Just some verses and a couple of quotes I've been focusing on in my studies.  I'm grateful for the wisdom of God, for His all-knowing and all-seeing understanding.  I'm grateful that I can put full confidence in the direction He points me and in the learning experiences He gives...  for I know that He sees the bigger picture.

-Alicia

"Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.  But God hath revealed them unto us by his Spirit: for the Spirit searcheth all things, yea, the deep things of God." - 1 Cor. 2:9-10

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." - Isaiah 55:8-9

 "Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend." - Mosiah 4:9

"The Lord worketh in many ways to the salvation of his people." - Alma 24:27

"By small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise."- Alma 37:6

"The Lord will lead us along, just as promised. He balances giving to the Church and its people the needed, specific directions, with providing the relevant learning experiences, including having our faith and patience tried in order to be strengthened. Thus He leads us along, but He desires that during that process we take His yoke upon us in order to learn of Him by our personal experiences. We surely feel the weight of that yoke at times, but the path is clear." - Neal A. Maxwell

"A universal God is actually involved with our small, individual universes of experience! In the midst of His vast dominions, yet He numbers us, knows us, and loves us perfectly."- Neal A. Maxwell

The Rule of Law

I've been fascinated with the reading assignments in my American Heritage class.  Some of my recent ones have been: John Winthrop's - A Model of Christian Charity, James Harrington's The Commonwealth of Oceana, and my personal favorite, John Locke's - Second Treatise of Government. This might be boring to some but it's very interesting to me because these concepts and principles were highly studied, closely examined, and adopted by the Founding Fathers of this great nation.  They were principles designed to organize a government that would protect and uphold the natural rights and freedom of the people.

Maybe it’s because I’m paying my own way to go to school or maybe it’s because I’m a mom approaching my 40’s that causes me to feel more hungry for knowledge than ever before… I don’t know but whatever it is, this education experience is very precious and extremely valuable to me.  I guess the older I get in life, the more I realize how little time I have and how much more there is to learn.

As I’ve been studying about these various systems of government, I can’t help but ask myself; What kind of government have I been running in my home? How do I protect the freedom of my children? Do they understand our family laws and the purpose behind them? Do they have a say in the way these laws are created and enforced?

John Locke teaches that government is not about ruling the people but about protecting them.  Every person has inalienable or a natural right to life, liberty, and property.

"The power, then, that parents have over their children, arises from that duty which is incumbent on them, to take care of their off-spring, during the imperfect state of childhood.  To inform the mind, and govern the actions of their yet ignorant [youth], till reason shall take its place." - John Locke (Second Treatise of Government)

How do we inform the minds of our children or govern their actions while they are young?

I believe they need clear vision... for the scriptures say, “Where there is no vision, the people perish” - Proverbs 29:18

About five or so years ago, my husband and I attempted to increase the vision of our children by establishing a mission statement. We recite it once a week in our home and it’s been very helpful...  But after studying Locke and his view of a free government, I see more and more the need for written and enforced law agreed upon by family consent. I interpret this to look like some sort of family council.  I must admit that this is something my husband and I have only talked about but have never officially established.  

"The liberty of man in society, is to be under no other legislative power, but that established, BY CONSENT, in the commonwealth" - John Locke (Second Treatise of Government)

I searched the definition of Commonwealth and discovered:

Common = Shared

Weal = prosperous and happiness (1828 Dictionary)

God has written law for His children in order that we might find happiness... We call it the scriptures and the words of the living prophets.  We rely upon this law to give us direction and we consent to follow through covenants.  But some laws aren’t so easily accepted...

President Boyd K. Packer taught:

" Parents know, and one day you will know, that there are times when parents and we who lead the Church must extend tough love when failing to teach and to warn and to discipline is to destroy… In spite of criticism or opposition, we must teach and we must warn." - Boyd K. Packer (Oct. 2000)

As parents, we have a serious responsibility to teach and warn.  In our families, I personally believe that consent to such warnings or law comes more readily when we have a clear understanding and vision of their purpose.  If we are to “inform the minds” of our children we must also adequately help them see the dangers and pitfalls of this world and establish boundaries that protect their freedom.

Our children must know the great purpose of "law is not to abolish or restrain, but to preserve and enlarge freedom.... where there is no law there is no freedom... freedom is not, as we are told, a liberty for every man to do what he lists."- John Locke (Second Treatise of Government)

A nation without law is anarchy not freedom… So also, a family that has no law, has no freedom.

Our homes must be established and founded.  Rules must be clear.  I don't think gathering a family to counsel together has to be long or drawn out, complicated or fancy.

"The best leaders are not those who work themselves to death trying to do everything single-handedly; the best leaders are those who follow God’s plan and counsel with their councils.

“Come now,” said the Lord in an earlier dispensation through the prophet Isaiah, “and let us reason together” (Isa. 1:18). And in this dispensation, He repeated that admonition: “Let us reason together, that ye may understand” (D&C 50:10).

Let us remember that the basic council of the Church is the family council…  I testify that we can bring the full force of God’s revealed plan for gospel governance into our ministries as we counsel together." - Elder M. Russell Ballard - Counseling With Our Councils - 1994

With these things in mind, I'm excited that my husband and I are going to be starting our own family government, where we can “open the floor” for each child to share their issues, for us to teach and inform them, warn and guide them, but also listen and establish written laws together, to allow them voice, to give clear vision, and where we all can consent and maximize on our freedom.  We'll be learning as we go... I'll keep you posted.  :)

-Alicia

Back to School

Winter Semester started for me today.  My stomach has been full of butterflies.  My husband reassured me that he felt nervous every time a new semester began for him too.  He often worried how he would be able to juggle everything in his new schedule.  I must have been running on pure adrenaline because I feel like I just plowed through this day at full speed. I had an extremely early morning, orthodontist appointments for the kids, grocery shopping, meal prepping, laundry, my class, and artwork to package and ship.  And I got it all done, what a blessing! I actually don't feel tired but I really should get to bed.

Walking up to campus today brought me those same feelings I had as I stepped out as an official student last April.  I'm sure I made some people curious because I couldn't wipe the grin off my face.  Someone still needs to pinch me because even though this semester will be my 5th class here, I still can't believe this is happening.

  Oh, by-the-way... my class this semester is American Heritage.  I absolutely love learning about the foundations of this country and the things that made it great and am thrilled to have this class. The book I'll be studying is called, "A City on a Hill" based off the scriptures found in Matt 5:14-16.  My teacher, Professor Madsen, served as our bishop three years ago.  I'll still never forget that Sunday in March where I had two witnesses confirm the direction I was heading.  Earlier that week, I had gone with my friend Suzanne to listen to a seminar my other friend, Jennifer, was speaking at.  Her subject was discovering our mission in life by studying our patriarchal blessing.  I sat on the edge of my seat and elbowed Suzanne, "I've got to go back to school.  I know this now.  I need to apply to BYU."  She was surprised at my statement but full of encouraging words, "That would be awesome! You should totally do it.  You go!"  The thought made me giddy and I couldn't shake it the rest of the week.  When Bishop Madsen had me visit him in his office to extend a calling to me that Sunday, he didn't know what had been on my mind but he was inspired.  When the appointment was over, he stopped me as I was leaving with my hand turning on the door knob,
"Wait, just one more thing... for whatever it's worth... You have a lot of gifts Alicia... and well... don't sell yourself short.  I'm not telling you to go back to school but I'm not telling you not to go back either."
That was confirmation #1 for me.
I smiled and shook his hand thinking to myself, "Funny he should mention it... the week I've been contemplating about that very subject."
I rounded the corner and made my way to the Relief Society room where my friend, Sherrie, was putting away chairs.  She asked how my husband's new job was going and then asked if I had considered going back to school.  "Funny you should ask that." I responded.  And thought to myself, "Confirmation #2!"
 I had known for years that I wanted to go back but imagined it would happen when all my kids were grown, not now while they're still young.  I guess the Lord was trying to tell me He had other plans.

I began to apply to BYU's art program but every time I sat down to do it, I had a stupor of thought and couldn't bring myself to make any moves in that direction.  Everything at home and with our schedules began to fall apart too.  I remember writing in my journal how I was hitting one wall after another.  One year later, I knew that I was not meant to pursue art at BYU. (This must have been the reason I felt so blocked when I began to apply for it.)  Instead, the message came crystal clear to me that I was to go into writing and speaking.  With writing, I feel comfortable because I can deliberately lay out my words, edit, use spell check, search in a thesaurus, and so on... but with speaking, it's a little harder... I feel like I'm sorely lacking composure, articulation, and vocabulary.  What I wouldn't give to share the deep things of my heart without blubbering or melting into a puddle of tears every time!

I've spoken about all this before and the events that followed in my older post "The Weak of the Earth."  I suppose that's what makes me smile so much and why I can't seem to wipe the cheesy grin off my face whenever I'm on campus.  However weak I am, I have never felt more perfectly guided in my life, as if the Lord had me by the shoulders and was giving me step-by-step direction to exactly where I needed to be.  It's an awesome feeling to know that God is at the helm!

Taking only one class a couple of times a year means graduation day is pretty far away for me.  But I have no complaints because I'm finding so much joy in this journey back to school!

-Alicia

Only the Beginning

My nephew, Dane, returns home from his mission in January.  I can't believe it's been two years already.  What a faithful and dedicated missionary he has been!  I am so very proud of him.  As he's approached the end, he has felt very torn.  He has expressed in his letters his desire for more time.  How can it be over when it seems as if he's only just begun? There is still so much to learn, so much more to be done.

As I've pondered about this bitter-sweet moment for my nephew and the closing of his mission, I can't help but parallel it to our lives here on earth, how fast the years will go and how soon we will be called home.  Even if it isn't until we are ninety years old, will we look back at our life's mission and desire more time? What a blessing it is to know that it will not be the end, that we will go on learning, that we will continue to grow and that the sweet associations we enjoy here will be even sweeter, more beautiful, and far brighter in heaven.

Thank goodness that in the big picture, death is not the end.  We will continue on.

"One school is finished, and the time has come for another to begin." - Richard Bach, Jonathan Livingston Seagull

Victor Hugo observed,
"The nearer I approach the end, the plainer I hear around me the immortal symphonies of the worlds which invite me. . . . For half a century I have been writing my thoughts in prose and verse; history. . . . I have tried all. But I feel I have not said a thousandth part of what is in me. When I go down to the grave, I can say, like so many others, 'I have finished my day’s work,' but I can not say, 'I have finished my life.' My day’s work will begin again the next morning. The tomb is not a blind alley; it is a thoroughfare. . . . My work is only beginning." 

-Alicia

Beyond Understanding

We gathered with loved ones to celebrate my nephew's baptism the weekend after October's General Conference.  With the prophet's and apostle's words of counsel and wisdom still fresh on our minds, there was plenty to talk about.  I had a very pleasant visit with one of the aunts from my nephew's "other side of the family." My brother-in-law, Russ, joined our discussion as he pulled up a chair and sat down next to us.  Our conversation shifted to the movie, Just Let Go, my husband and I saw the night before:
As he listened to our review, I asked, "Have you heard the story of Bishop Williams?"
He recalled, "Yeah, that's the man who lost his two kids and pregnant wife in a car accident, right?"
"Yes, and there's a Mormon Message about him that came out several years ago. His process of grief is very intriguing."
We shared our various thoughts and discussed our limited views on his experience.
Russ suggested to me, "You'd would probably enjoy reading C.S. Lewis' book, A Grief Observed."
I responded with my love for C.S. Lewis' writings and told him, "I've read a few of his books but I haven't read that one.  I'll have to check it out."
Eagerly, I went to the library that same day and picked it up.

About a week or so later, I sat next to a very sweet woman in our Stake Choir who recently became a widow.  Before Stake Conference began and the congregation started to trickle in, I asked her how she was doing.  She confided and opened up her sorrow to me.  She said that approaching each new day without Lloyd was like trying to operate life with half her body severed off.
I told her that her description sounded very much like C.S. Lewis' words when he lost his wife.
I asked if she had read A Grief Observed and explained the book to her.
"No. That sounds like a great one though.  I need to look it up."
"It is really good and it's less than 100 pages.  I'm in the middle of reading it right now."
We took our seats as the organ began to play.  The meeting was about to start.
During the various talks, I continued to think about my grieving friend.
For one of the rest hymns the choir and congregation sang, "Onward Christian Soldiers."
As we stood, I wrapped my arm around this dear woman as a gesture to encourage her onward in her battle.  I could feel that she was weary and worn.  She reciprocated with a grateful sigh and wrapped her arm around me.  Each time we sang the chorus, I envisioned her angel husband as the one holding her.  After the song was over she said with tears in her eyes, "Lloyd loved that hymn."

Her story, Bishop William's story, and C.S. Lewis' book has left me thinking very deeply.  In all of these cases, they went through a period where they begged and wished to have just one more moment with their loved one.  But it was not to be and no amount of pleading with God could bring them back.

Lewis mourned, "Suppose that the earthly lives she and I shared for a few years are in reality only the basis for, or prelude to, or earthly appearance of two unimaginable, supercosmic, and eternal somethings.  Those somethings could be pictured as spheres or globes.  Where the plane of Nature cuts through them - that is, in earthly life- they appear as two circles (circles are slices of spheres).   Two circles that touched.  But those two circles, above all the point at which they touched, are the very thing I am mourning for, homesick for, famished for.  You tell me, 'she goes on.' But my heart and body are crying out, come back, come back.  Be a circle touching my circle on the plane of Nature.  But I know this is impossible.  I know that the thing I want is exactly the thing I can never get."

He goes on to describe the cruelty of God and his feelings of complete abandonment.   I was surprised to see the testimony of one so great as Lewis shaken to the very core.  He spent so much time preaching the word and wrote the most beautiful sermons on faith but he admitted when faced with this trial,  all his instruction was much easier said than done.

In his agony something beautiful began to happen though, and he gained some valuable insight.  He began to discover himself to see his own heart in a different light.  He reflected,"Only torture will bring out the truth.  Only under torture does he discover it himself." 

I found his thoughts about petitioning God very interesting:
  "You can't see anything properly while your eyes are blurred with tears.  You can't, in most things, get what you want if you want it too desperately:  anyway, you can't get the best out of it.... I have gradually been coming to feel that the door is no longer shut and bolted.  Was it my own frantic need that slammed it in my face:  The time when there is nothing at all in your soul except a cry for help may be just the time when God can't give it:  you are like the drowning man who can't be helped because he clutches and grabs.  Perhaps your own reiterated cries deafen you to the voice you hoped to hear.

On the other hand, 'Knock and it shall be opened.'  But does knocking mean hammering and kicking the door like a maniac?  And there's also 'To him that hath shall be given.'  After all, you must have a capacity to receive, or even omnipotence can't give.  Perhaps your own passion temporarily destroys the capacity."

This description of panic and trepidation sound like an immobilizing fear to me.  How can we expect to exercise our faith and hold the outstretched hand of God when our fists are clenched so anxiously tight?  Like he said, "You must have a capacity to receive, or even Omnipotence can't give." 

 It seems as though the surrender doesn't come at once for anybody but rather through a process of time.  It's a constant struggle of letting go day after day, after day, like learning to walk again after having half your limbs severed.... all the while the battle cry sings out, "Onward Christian Soldier!"

There is beauty in surrender, a peace and rest that come to one's soul in the relinquishment of our will and trusting that God sees the bigger picture. Through it all we might ask a thousand questions.
And it may be with us as it was for C.S. Lewis "When I lay these questions before God I get no answer.  But a rather special sort of 'No answer.' It is not the locked door.  It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze.  As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, 'Peace, child; you don't understand.'"

Maybe that's how we let go?... when we stop trying so hard to understand it all, to have every single question answered.  to embrace the  "peace of God, which passeth all understanding," peace that goes beyond what is explained, to trust as Browning said, "God is in His heaven, all's right with the world."  This "shall keep [hold together] our hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."- Philippians 4:7

-Alicia

"To Be Content" - Ponderize - Week 6

It was 4:00 and my husband still wasn't home from his meetings.  Sundays are very long for him so I thought it would be nice if he came back to a quiet house and took a moment to rest.  Besides, I couldn't resist a nice autumn stroll for a Sabbath evening. "Let's go walk around campus you guys.  Who wants to come?"  All of the kids jumped right up and eagerly grabbed their shoes and jackets.

We passed the duck pond and made our way to the stairs.  My 14-yr-old son and I chatted as we walked arm in arm and I laid my head on his shoulder. "Don't you think ducks are funny?  I mean, God must have a really great sense of humor.  The way ducks walk is one thing but listen to them when they quack.  Doesn't it sound like they're all sitting around cracking jokes?"
Chandler listened as another duck erupted into wild silly laughter.  He looked down at me and smiled with a nod of agreement.

We reached the top of the hill and my children bolted in two different directions. The younger three wanted to climb on the white fan-like concrete Tree of Wisdom, while my oldest sauntered off to have some time alone.  I sat on the steps of the Science building where I could catch the last rays of warm sunlight before it slipped beneath the horizon.  I could see my children playing in the distance.  I picked up my scriptures I had brought along with me and began to turn the pages.

My mind was in another place as I drifted off in thought, "It's hard to believe we've lived here for seven-and-a-half years.  We've never lived anywhere longer than two.  I love this beautiful place.  How many times have I taken the children to play on this campus just to be a little closer to Joseph while he studied?  It has been the perfect playground for them.  Where does the time go? They've all practically grown up here.  I love the feeling that resides in this place and all the experiences we've shared as a family on this campus.  We've learned so much.  Through my husband's schooling, we learned to live on very little but it never felt small.  So often Joseph would worry about our circumstances and I'd reassure him "Honey, I live better than a queen, we all live like royalty. Everything is wonderful."
  

I looked out again across the campus to where my children were still climbing.  I smiled and began to say a silent prayer of gratitude.  I glanced down at my opened scriptures again and thought "I'd better read while I still have a moment to myself."  Turning aimlessly through the pages of the New Testament my eyes fell on verse 13 of Philippians 4 (our family scripture) "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." I love this simple truth.  I know that through my Savior, I can and will make it through all things that are required of me.  My eyes scanned up to verse 11, "For I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content."  I stopped and thought about the word, "content." It seems to be such a peaceful word: No fear, no anxiety... no want.  I read the verse again, "For I have learned."  How ironic that my education has only just begun here and yet I feel I've already had some wonderful life-lessons.  "I have learned in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content." 

Contentment is so closely tied to gratitude.  It is truly the key to peace.  I pondered some more.  "Have I truly learned to be content? No, there are still things I want that I may never obtain... and no matter how I try to suppress them, the desires remain like a lingering hunger."
I read verse 12  -"I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need."  I am certain this hunger I struggle with won't last forever.  I trust that if I'm patient the Lord will fill the void as I continue to learn the principles of gratitude and contentment.  Being thankful is really the key.

My eyes moved up the page to verses 6&7; "Be careful for nothing [or don't be excessively concerned about anything, don't worry]; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.  And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding shall keep [hold together] your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." 
Again I read the words "supplication with thanksgiving."
It sounded like an oxymoron, to beg but at the same time be grateful.
I guess in my mind I assume that if I'm grateful then I won't ask for anything.  It must mean that our hearts are thankful for the ability to take our crys and longings to the One who is fit to carry us through them.  After all, it is "Christ which strengtheneth" us.

How can I be strong in this?
Psalm 23 began to play in my head and I could hear the Tabernacle Choir sing, "My Shepherd will supply my need.  Jehovah is His name."  As I imagined myself joining the alto section full of heart and soul. I glanced across the column to verse 19, "God shall supply all your need...." Perfect. Just perfect.  I love it when thoughts and scripture sync like that.

I said another silent prayer.  The sun had set and I began to shiver from the cold.
I picked up my scriptures and called for my children.  As I headed back home and took in the sights around me, I pondered again, "I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content."  I know I haven't fully learned this yet.... but I'm getting there.  Eventually, I will get there... but I often need reminders.  So this is my verse for the week, sweet and simple.

-Alicia

P.S.
I found this in a talk today.  I love it because it fits perfectly with all that I've been thinking of.  I am so richly blessed. God is generous and good.  I have right here and now far more than I deserve.

"Isn’t it ironic... that we will often travel many miles to see the wonders of nature or the creations of man, but yet ignore the beauty in our own backyard?

It is human nature, I suppose, to seek elsewhere for our happiness. Pursuit of career goals, wealth, and material rewards can cloud our perspective and often leads to a lack of appreciation for the bounteous blessings of our present circumstances.

It is precarious to dwell on why we have not been given more. It is, however, beneficial and humbling to dwell on why we have been given so much.

An old proverb states, 'The greater wealth is contentment with a little.'"

 - Elder Stephen E. Snow - 2001