A Basket Full

My friend, SaraLyn, paid me a surprise visit tonight. She's a next-door neighbor of mine from my old ward. We were outside as a family eating ice cream "Sundays" after Micah's fabulous Family Home Evening lesson, when I saw SaraLyn walking up the sidewalk toward our house. I waved and ran to greet her at our gate.

In her arms she held a basket full of gifts. 

"What brings you here, my friend?" I asked.

"This is for you," she said with a sparkle in her eyes.

I was shocked. "Why? What for? I don't understand."

"Because, I love you," she said sincerely and smilingly presented me with one gift at a time: 

A beanie hat, "Something whimsical." 

A journal, "Something thoughtful."

Then, she held up some lotions and essential oils, "Something relaxing." 

Next, she pulled out a couple of books, "Something educational and uplifting." 

And lastly, she pulled out two large bars of Moser Roth chocolates, "And... something indulging." She winked.

I couldn't believe it. It was just so random. "Wow! Really?! Why all of this? I know I don't deserve it, any of it. Why?"

"Yes." She insisted. "I enjoyed sitting next to you and talking with you in Stake Conference yesterday, I just wanted to express how much I love you."

"That's interesting." I said. "Because, after Stake Conference, I was telling my husband how much I love and adore you. But here you are doing something wonderful for me. You're incredible!" I invited SaraLyn to sit on the porch and talk a while but she couldn't stay. I thanked her again as she prepared to leave. Hugging her as tight as I could, I said goodbye. We both had tears in our eyes. 

After she was gone, my kids crowded around to take a look at the basket full of thoughtful gifts. "Look mom, there's a card." Micah pulled it out and held it to my face, "Open it." 

In the card was a beautiful thank-you note wrapped around four twenty-dollar bills. My jaw dropped to the ground! "Seriously!!" I laughed and shook my head. "I just don't get it."

I don't know why my friend, SaraLyn, felt to be this generous with me. I honestly haven't done anything fantastic. I think she's just one of those people who love so freely. She has always been this compassionate and thoughtful though. Last summer, when she found out we had to leave our apartment, she made me dinner, collected boxes for the move, invited me over to talk, and let me cry on her shoulder. She has been a God-send on a number of occasions. Maybe yesterday, she recognized that my soul was weary and I needed some sort of outreach. I don't know.

I pray that I can be more aware of others, that I can rise above my own sorrows and recognize when people need me to do for them what SaraLyn did for me. Wow, what a blessing!

-Alicia

Together

Lately, Joseph sends me a email randomly about once a week with expressions of love and encouragement. I've thanked him graciously but words fail to describe how much his little notes mean.

As we work side-by-side with this particular foster case and monitor our own children's behavior as a result, we are facing some very difficult choices. This past week, Joseph sent me a couple of links to some conference talks as encouragement. These are some of the quotes that really stood out to me in them:

"[Life’s journey] is a pathway marked by forks and turnings. Decisions are constantly before us. To make them wisely, courage is needed: the courage to say, “No,” the courage to say, “Yes.” Decisions do determine destiny." - President Thomas S. Monson

"It isn’t as bad as you sometimes think it is.
It all works out. Don’t worry. …
The Lord will not forsake us.
He will not forsake us.
If we will put our trust in Him,
if we will pray to Him,
if we will live worthy of His blessings,
He will hear our prayers."
-President Gordon B. Hinckley

I'm so grateful for Joseph, for his companionship. These past few years, he has learned to give simple gestures, affection, and expressions that truly sustain me. I commit to doing the same for him. This is what it's all about.

"It is so rewarding to be married. Marriage is wonderful. In time you begin to think alike and have the same ideas and impressions. You have times when you are extremely happy, times of testing, and times of trial, but the Lord guides you through all of those growth experiences together." - Richard G. Scott

-Alicia

One of Joseph's many emails :)

A Little About Life and Love

Tuesday's with Morrie came out almost twenty years ago but I never saw it until last night. Checking out DVD's from the library usually means extremely thin pickings--it's hard to find anything worth while. I almost went home with nothing in my hands until I found this one and decided to give it a shot.

When my husband saw the cover of the DVD, he looked terribly disappointed, smirking at the picture of an old man in a wheelchair, "Really, this is what you want to watch?"

I responded, "Honey, that's Jack Lemmon! Don't you know him? Have you ever seen The Days of Wine and Roses or The Odd Couple?  He's an incredible actor!" 

 I knew none of that mattered to Joseph--he's always in the mood for big action-packed movies. This well... this was a far cry from action... and maybe a little too close to cry.  Even still, he ended up watching and really enjoyed it. Of course I loved it! I'm admittedly a sucker for deep movies, the kind of movies that enlighten my mind or expand my heart--anything with a nice moral to it. 

Tuesday's with Morrie had so many wonderful lines about life and love, purpose and dying, I had to take notes. Here's a few of my favorite quotes:

 "All I have is a voice - to undo the folded lie - the lie of authority - whose buildings grope the sky. No one exists alone. Hunger allows no choice to the citizen or police. We must love one another... or die." - W.H. Auden

"When we're infants, we need others to survive. When we're dying, we need others to survive. But here's the secret. In between, we need others even more." -Morrie

"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in." -Morrie

"My father was afraid of love. He couldn't give it and he couldn't receive it either. Maybe that's worse...  Not letting ourselves be loved because we're too afraid of giving ourselves to someone we might lose."-Morrie

"Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too - even when you're in the dark. Even when you're falling."-Morrie

"If we accept the fact that we can die at anytime we lead our lives differently." -Morrie

"When you learn how to die, you learn how to live."-Morrie

-Alicia

First Things First and What Matters Most

My husband and I have been fasting and praying for greater compassion and endurance in this journey as foster parents.  This new life had been difficult but we have felt blessings poured out upon us in miraculous ways.  My husband and I have grown so close through all of this and have become quite the team. Joseph is the number one person I look out for and he looks out for me.  I think the most common questions we ask each other throughout the day are, "What do you need from me?" and "What can I do to help make your day better?" Most of the time, all we need is a good long hug.

Now, I believe it's very important for mothers to invest their time with their children and I try to make it a point to give each child a little one-on-one as I go around and say good night.  But one day (faster than we can imagine) all the children will be grown and gone... and the one person who will remain is my husband. My children will go their various directions, travel their separate ways, but Joseph and I will remain together.  We know that if we can thoroughly enjoy and create wonderful intimate moments in all our current chaos, then how much sweeter our companionship will be after the dust settles!

I just read a portion of this talk given by Elder Nelson at BYU in 2000 called, "Identity, Priority, and Blessings." I love how he describes his relationship with his wife:

"Some people on life’s journey forget who they really are and what is really important. Without sure identity and priority, blessings that matter most are at the mercy of things that matter least...

...Through thick and thin, Sister Nelson and I have merged our identity and fixed our focus on our highest priority, our eternal marriage. Through the prolonged period of education and later medical practice, she could have complained about my schedule, but she never did. Our children did not feel they were deprived of their father’s time, simply because Sister Nelson never murmured. Their attitudes were shaped by her attitude. Every moment we were together she seized as an opportunity to provide a little bit of heaven on earth for me and our children.

Now our children are adults with little ones of their own. We enjoy extended family home evenings once a month with all available members of our family. At that time we also celebrate family birthdays. Many names are written on each birthday cake. After those gala gatherings are over—when peace and quiet have again been restored—Sister Nelson and I lovingly embrace each other, grateful that we never allowed anything to take higher priority than our love—husband for wife, and wife for husband."

Isn't that beautiful? Especially the part where he says that they never allowed anything to take higher priority than their love. 

-Alicia

Happy Valentine's Day!

I hope you have great plans to show the most important people in your life that you love them! It doesn't need to be extravagant or outlandish --It really is the small and simple things that make the difference.

Everyone, both men and women, want to know that they are cared for, that they are thought of, that they're important. True and pure love is the most powerful force in the universe. Pure love inspires people to accomplish their dreams, to be more faithful in their relationships, and to become the very best they could become. Pure love stems from selflessness and gratitude.  There is no thought of return, no concern for "what's in it for me?"-- it just simply gives of their time and self freely, verbally, physically, affectionately, thoughtfully.

My challenge today is to first, show this great love to those within the walls of your own home and then second, find someone who lives alone and do something for them today. Make it a ripple effect!

“There are many souls whom I have loved stronger than death. To them I have proved faithful—to them I am determined to prove faithful, until God calls me to resign up my breath.”

- Joseph Smith

Happy Valentine's!
Everybody wants to be loved!
- Alicia

My Hopeless Romantic

The afternoon was busy as I bounced between all the household chores, drove to and from music lessons, worked on homeschool with my three younger ones, rushed to the store, and raced the clock to assemble a Thai recipe my foster son had been begging me to cook before he got home from school...

In all the chaos, I almost didn't notice the most adorable thing happening right in front of me:

My 3-yr-old foster daughter danced into the kitchen beaming with delight as she twirled to show me the elegant red dress she was wearing. Micah stood proudly behind her with a smile. "Doesn't she look beautiful, mom?"
"Yes, she does." I agreed. "Did you help her pick that out?"
Micah nodded and then turned to my foster daughter, sweetly calling her by name, "Now all you need is a beautiful flower for your hair.  Do you want me to pick you a flower?"
She nodded, "Yes".
"Okay, I'll be right back. Wait right here." Micah instructed my foster daughter as she stared out the glass door and watched him step outside.  She waited fondly as he disappeared around the corner of the house beyond her view.

A few minutes later, Micah entered back in the house through the front door, holding in his hand a beautiful pink paper flower with a green paper stem.
"Here you go!" Micah said as he presented his foster sister with the gift.
She jumped with excitement at the sight as he gently tucked the flower in her hair.

"Micah, that was so incredibly sweet of you to do.  Did you make that while you were outside?"
"Yeah" he smiled shyly.  "I wanted to pick one from our yard but because it is winter, there's nothing growing... so I walked around to the front porch and hurried to make her this paper one."
"Micah, you not only just made her day... you made my day too.  I can't believe how incredibly sweet you are!  The flower is absolutely lovely!"
She wore it in her hair the rest of the evening and held it in her hand as she fell asleep tonight.
What a precious memory!

Man! Micah has always been my hopeless romantic. Things like this just seem to be so natural for him.  He has certainly won my heart.
Oh, how I love him!

-Alicia

P.S.
Just a little extra tid-bit that makes this kid even more adorable.. Left Hand Free by, Alt-J is his favorite song right now. He can sing along to every single word.  He loves to play this!
"Pick a pedal eenie, meanie, minie-moe, and Flower, you're the chosen one."

Light the World

Today is the day: The worldwide day of service! 

From now until Christmas, we will consciously look for ways to reach and serve people in a way we would imagine the Savior doing. 

From my own experiences, I'm FOREVER grateful and will always hold in my heart those who have shined their LIGHT in my life and made my world so much brighter.

Dec. 1:  Jesus lifted other's burdens. What will you do today to lift another's burden?

#LIGHTtheWorld

Light the World 

Calendar

Make Us One

I had the opportunity to sing in the choir for Stake Conference over the weekend. There's one song that was my favorite, especially as we watch these miraculous changes that have taken place to create our new Stake. 

Over these last few days I've found myself singing parts of this song quietly to myself, probably because it seems to echo the heartfelt cries of my own prayers, "teach me compassion: cast my fear aside". I'm thankful for the language of music. I have needed it more than ever these past few days. The Lord knows it is my love language.

-Alicia

Make Us One

by, Sally DeFord

How shall we stand amid uncertainty?

Where is our comfort in travail?

How shall we walk amid infirmity,

When feeble limbs are worn and frail?

And as we pass through mortal sorrow,

How shall our hearts abide the day?

Where is the strength the soul may borrow?

Teach us thy way.

Make us one, that our burdens may be light

Make us one as we seek eternal life

Unite our hands to serve thy children well

Unite us in obedience to thy will.

Make us one! teach us, Lord, to be

Of one faith, of one heart

One in thee.

Then shall our souls be filled with charity,

Then shall all hate and anger cease

And though we strive amid adversity,

Yet shall we find thy perfect peace

So shall we stand despite our weakness,

So shall our strength be strength enough

We bring our hearts to thee in meekness;

Lord, wilt thou bind them in thy love?

Take from me this heart of stone,

And make it flesh even as thine own

Take from me unfeeling pride;

Teach me compassion; cast my fear aside.

Give us one heart, give us one mind

Lord, make us thine

Oh, make us thine!

Pure Religion

This last April, when we heard all the conference talks about refugees.... we prayed to know how to help and the answer came very clear to my husband and me, "Become Foster Parents." We've done respite care a number of times these past few months and we just moved into our new home over the weekend and are getting it foster-ready.  Every time I hear these stories of refugees, I cannot help but think of these children who have been displaced in foster care and how we are here to give them hope and do all we can to make it so they can return to their families and loved ones again. 

Watch and pray to know how to help--then make a move.  There are so many in need and there is something for all of us to do.  We quickly forget the troubles of our own hearts as we reach out in compassion to help others. Our purpose in this life is to learn pure love, pure religion undefiled... This is where real freedom is found.  

-Alicia

Refuge From the Storm

May God's Love Be With You!

A week ago, we finished our Book of Mormon reading as a ward family.  For our final activity, we all wrote our testimonies on "gold" plates and buried them in our Bishop's backyard. They will fit nicely there with King Benjamin's tower, the buried weapons of war, and the Jaredite barge [aka: his carriage house]. Words can't express how much I'll miss these adventures we've had in this place.

Leading up to that final event last week, I studied what it meant to "lay hold upon every good thing" (Moroni 7:19).  I searched the definition and discovered "lay hold" means to "seize" as in "seize the day".  Of course, this reminded me of my favorite movie, Mitty, and how Cheryl's influence caused Walter to seize the day.

I've written about it before, the secret to life....  To tell the truth, It's on my mind constantly... so it may come as no surprise that I thought about it again this morning as I studied the New Testament and came across these verses, "Ye are all the children of the light and the children of the day... let us who are of the day, be sober [calm, reasonable, and clear thinking], putting on the breastplate of faith and love; and for an helmet, the hope of salvation." (1 Thessalonians 5:5,8)

In this modern age there is warfare of all kinds, not just physical but spiritual and emotional too.  In the midst of  battle, the most vital areas are the chest and head -So, I really like the imagery Paul uses as he instructs us how to protect them.

When I think of Salvation for our helmet, I think of "always remembering Him" [our Savior and His atoning sacrifice for us].  This is vital because we are fallible, we are mortal, we make mistakes, and we're so very far from perfect. The Savior knew we would need hope in life's moments that hit us so painfully with this reality.  Truly, what can bring more hope into our lives than knowing and always remembering that we have a way out of every tangled mess and that He delights to untangle us?!!

The breastplate covers our heart and lungs - the place where cells draw in life-giving air and carry it to our life-giving blood.  The functions of the these organs in our chest give us LIFE, they sustain us. we could not exist without them.  That's why I find it interesting that they are protected by faith and love, the two most powerful forces in the universe!

Henry Drummond put it beautifully when he said, "On the last analysis, then, love is life. Love never faileth and life never faileth so long as there is love."  

Finally, the other words I read that added to this imagery were these, "Rejoice evermore. Pray without ceasing. In everything give thanks." (1 Thes. 5:16-18)  

If we could remember these three things today and everyday: Mind, Heart, and Mouth - it will help us "lay hold" and seize the day - to become who we are striving to become. It will preserve us in the heat of battle, always remembering the Savior and His great atoning sacrifice, being motivated and driven by faith and love, constantly praying, constantly communicating with God and striving in all our relationships to speak with more gratitude and offer more thanks when we open our mouth.

I know as we do this we will discover the secret to a very rich, and very abundant life!

We are children of the day!  Aw man, I'm so grateful for all the SUNSHINE that adds a measure of grace to my world!
Keep dancin'
-Alicia

Somebody Needs the Light You Have - Ponderize - Week 45

"Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, 

and glorify your Father which is in heaven." 

- Matthew 5:16

"Jesus wants every one of us to know him because of the transforming power of that knowledge and because of the indescribable joy it brings into our lives. But the influence of the gospel is to extend beyond each individual. It is to be as a light that dispels the darkness from the lives of those around us. No one of us is saved solely and simply for himself alone, just as no lamp is lighted merely for its own benefit." - Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

"Pushing Back The Dark"

Persecution, Deliverance, Faith, and LOVE

 My friend, who is also our Realtor, texted me Friday morning and asked for our Landlady's phone number. Her text read, "Alicia, I was thinking... what if I called your Landlady and tried to convince her to allow you month-to-month rent so you have more time to search for a home."
I texted her back both of our Landlady's numbers and gratefully replied, "This should be fabulously interesting.  I'm not sure how it's going to work but it's worth a shot. Thank you!"
"Ok, I'll call her right now and I let you know how it goes." she replied.
 My Realtor called me back about 20 minutes later and it was just as I feared.  She sounded very disappointed and explained, "Oh Alicia, I'm so sorry.  I really thought I could persuade her.  Instead, she was extremely offended by my phone call.  She cut me off, became very agitated, and wouldn't let me talk.  I'm so sorry.  It didn't go well at all."
It wasn't much of a surprise to me though. Either way , I was so grateful for her valiant effort.

Later that day, we packed up our van to drive up the canyon and spend the evening at our ward family camp out.  It was so good to get away from all the boxes in my home that serve as constant reminders of our exodus.

The campsite was beautiful and the atmosphere invigorating.  We visited with our dear friends and had conversations while roasting marshmallows around the campfire.  We gazed at the stars, ate great food, listened to stories of courage and faith, and enjoyed a super corny skit... and I mean SUPER corny! Everything was so much fun.

But of course... my two most favorite things of the night was the dancing and singing:

The Dancing:
Our counselor to our bishop hooked up some music and taught all of us the Virginia Reel.  It was a riot!  I think the reason I loved it so much was because everyone was involved, it felt wonderfully unifying dancing as a whole team.

And Singing:
A couple of guys brought their guitars and I was so glad they did because sitting around a campfire while singing to the strum of a guitar is one of those things in life that absolutely sets my spirit soaring!!  (And after all that my family's been going through, I really needed something to lift my soul.) Shout out to Space Oddity, it was perfect, absolutely perfect!

That night, after all was silent through the camp and everyone was asleep, I laid awake for what felt like hours reflecting on the wonderful evening we all had and the beautiful memory we just made with the dear friends who I've come to love so very much.  Every time I thought of our forced move, a sting of pain would shoot my heart.  My whole soul, spirit, mind, and body wants to stay with this ward!  I quickly attempted to push the thoughts about leaving aside. I didn't want to travel back down the mountain in the morning, back to the boxes and the packing.

I remembered how my Realtor tried to plead our cause and how nothing she said to our Landlady seemed to penetrate her heart.  As I wondered about our situation and how we were going to manage living out of a trailer for a while I had the thought, "Alicia, have hope. You can't see and you don't know what is working on your Landlady's heart at this very moment.  Maybe what your Realtor said to her really did settle in."  I prayed that it did.  I prayed that she was being softened and that when we arrived back home the next day, there would be some form of deliverance or good news waiting for us.

The next morning, I woke early and helped get the fire started.  We had a wonderful breakfast, visited a little longer, and played a few games before everyone started taking down their tents and hauling off.  I didn't want to leave.  Oh, how I wished it could have been for two nights... or three... or four.

We drove home.  I had such a great time with our ward family that I had almost forgotten about my prayer for deliverance until...  there it was when we pulled into the complex, it was taped to our door: a notice from our Landlady granting us ability to rent month-to-month until we are under contract with a home to buy.  It was a miracle, a tender mercy!  Now we don't need to feel so rushed.  We can take our time and really search.  It gives me more confidence that we will find the right place for us and our growing family.  I am blessed.

-Alicia

Not letting go!

I can't sleep. Normally, sleep is never an issue for me.  I must be having such a hard time with this move.  I so desperately do not want to leave this place that I love so very, very much!

We've decided that we don't want to rent anymore, we just want our own home.  If we do rent again, it could only be for a very short time, a month-to-month, because we are anxious to have a permanent place for our foster children.  Any kind of move would mean they would be absorbed back into the hands of others in the foster community until we had a home that has been officially evaluated and meets State regulations for being foster ready. (A process which can take several weeks maybe months.) We've decided that foster care will have to be on hold until we find a permanent place to avoid any additional disruption in these children's lives.  But foster kids or not, it's just a massive hassle to move from here to a temporary location, only to move again.

My husband and I have lived five other places since we were first married... it's been so nice to stay here as long as we have.  If it weren't for the struggles we've had with our landlady, we could live here forever.

Saturday evening we spent a lot of time searching online for homes, condos, or town-homes (anything a little larger than what we have here).  We won't give up the search but it seems that nothing large enough for our family is under $200K in our ward. We had a special fast as a family yesterday, even our friends, the Wilsons, fasted together for us. My friend, Carol, called me and advised me to stay close to the Spirit and to not narrow my options to just this ward or Stake but to seek first where the Lord would have us be.  She is a wise woman and I'm so glad for the day I miraculously met her.  We will have no problems staying in close touch.

Yesterday in church, we had so many friends offer to help us and I kept feeling this mixture of gratitude, joy, pain, sorrow, and loss.  One moment I'd be smiling and the next I'd have tears streaming down my face.

I want to do all I can to stay connected to this place I call home.  The visits may be fewer and farther between but I could never leave this beautiful place completely: No, not after what I've experienced and not after the dreams I've had.   To disconnect completely would be too much for my soul to bear.  This will be tough no matter what but I can see myself dancing my way through it. ;) I pray there will be lots of dances.  This place I call home has changed my life, my whole world, everything!!  It cannot be forgotten.  It has "awakened me out of a deep sleep".  It helped me remember my mission, my dreams, and all I want to become.  I am forever grateful!

I will continue on with BYU: I will not let go and I'll continue to reach for my dream that I've had for so many years of being an inspiring writer and speaker.  Down the road, I can envision myself taking my words and using them as a tool to be a powerful advocate, a voice for the importance of the family, especially for children, for foster children, and defender of the sanctity of life.  I am confident that my experiences in the future with both formal education and fostering will help to make my voice heard loud and clear in the courthouses, in the schools, and in the communities.  There are many good things to come.
Just watch and see....
I'm gonna Carpe this Diem!!!

-Alicia :)

.

"Today and Tomorrow"- Ponderize - Week 41

Kaylee turns eight today.  However old she is marks how long we've lived here.  I had her two weeks after moving into this wonderful little apartment.  Last night, she couldn't fall asleep because she was so excited to celebrate her special day.  I laid in bed with her and scratched her back for a few minutes.  Every time she saw daddy pass by in the hall she'd call out "Good night, I love you."  (She must have said it 10 times and was obviously not tired at all.)  Then she turned to me and asked, "Will you have my birthday sign in the window before I wake up?"
"Of course I will." I responded.
Little did I know how early that would be.

Before my alarm this morning, she crawled into my bed and I wondered how much rest she had gotten through the few hours of the night.  It's cute that she's so excited.  I let her take my place sleeping next to daddy and got up to pray and study.  An hour later she came out asking for pancakes.  I said I'd be happy to make her some and asked if I could just finish up with some of my studies first.  She complied, grabbed a blanket, and sat on the couch to wait... and then zonked out seconds later.   

She loves her birthday for lots of reasons but one is because it's free Slurpee day at 7-11.  For Kaylee, all of the 7-11's everywhere are celebrating the day she was born!  

Tonight, we are having a very special Family Home Evening on baptism to prepare her for another wonderful day in a few weeks when she enters into a covenant with God to love and to be a witness of the Savior all her life.  My parents are coming down for dinner and FHE tonight.  (Joseph's parents came last night to bring birthday wishes.)

There's plenty to do today.... but before everything kicks into full gear, I need to share the scripture I've chosen to ponder for the week:

Make the day beautiful, my friends!

"I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:38, 39

"To love abundantly is to live abundantly, and to love forever is to live forever.  Hence, eternal life is inextricably bound up with love.  We want to live forever for the same reason that we want to live tomorrow.  Why do we want to live tomorrow?  It is because there is some one who loves you, and who you want to see tomorrow, and be with, and love back?  There is no other reason why we should live on that we love and are beloved." - Henry Drummond

-Alicia

Handle With Care!

"Respite /ˈrespət,rēˈspīt/ = a short period of rest or relief from something difficult. rest, break, breathing space, interval, intermission, interlude, recess, lull, pause, time out."

Respite Foster Care is basically watching another foster parent's foster kids.  It's done through the foster care community because a you can't just have your good friend across the street watch the children.  They belong to the State so they need to be State-licenced and certified.  Last Saturday we had our first experience providing Respite Foster Care. We watched two small children for most of the day (a one-yr-old and  two-yr-old).

In four weeks, we are scheduled to do respite for another foster family.  This child will be several  years older and we will have him for four days.

My initial thought with Respite is that it wouldn't be much different from the times we've watched nieces or nephews,  After all, it's just for a short period and it seemed to me, in such time, it would feel mostly like babysitting.  But Respite Foster Care is not exactly like that.

I was surprised to discover, last Saturday, that it came with unexpected emotions and feelings.  There
is a sense of sacredness, fragility, vulnerability, and carefulness that hits your heart like a freight train the moment you set eyes on these children.  It's constantly in the back of your mind that behind their smile is a shattered life, one they have no control over.  They've been taken from everything familiar with only a handful of belongings and are expected to adjust again and again as they are passed from one stranger to the next; vagabonds, refugees, never knowing where, if any place, will ever be their permanent "home."

When we had these two babies last Saturday in our care, I wanted to give them the happiest memories I could.  I  wanted their time with us to be a good experience.  I wanted them to feel loved and valued, to help instill in them their Divine worth and their heavenly lineage.  I was in awe as I observed my youngest two biological children instantly filled with these same desires.  It was amazing to watch them bring out their favorite toys and spend hour after hour just entertaining them. I'm sure there was an element of novelty with it... but it was also very apparent that their motive went much deeper than that.  I witnessed a Christ-like compassion overflow within their souls as they reached out with complete self-less and genuine love.

Later that evening, we took the foster kids to a neighborhood block party.  Micah was adorable as he happily pulled the children in a wagon.  My older daughter had three of her cousins with her and they soon joined in to help watch the fosters.  I was grateful for the assistance.  We all had to be extremely vigilant among the huge crowds because these kids didn't have that internal compass that told them who they were supposed to stay close to.  They were so used to being put into the arms of strangers and not belonging to any particular people that they easily wandered off to anyplace and anywhere without looking back.

When the time came to return the children to the other foster parents, they didn't want to leave and the 2-yr-old clung to me with both arms and legs wrapped tightly around me.  He whimpered as the foster dad explained, prying his body away, "Sorry buddy, this is just how it goes."
How sad, I thought to myself, that "this is how it goes"... this is the only thing that has become consistent for the fosters: A never-ending cycle of: attachment - detachment, bond and break, hope, love and then hurt again. I almost felt guilty for trying to make their visit with us such a wonderful and loving experience because it seemed to add to the child's pain when it was time to leave.

I guess this is the hurt I need to get used to?  I've only tasted it in the smallest portion. All the foster parents talk about it.  They say in foster care, "prepare to have your heart broken over and over and over again."  In the training, I assumed that they meant hurt from stresses, task-overload, increased number of mouths to feed, fighting and just learning to adjust and help a traumatized child... you know, kind-of negative issues.  But I think last weekend I caught a little more of a glimpse of where the heartbreak will really come from.  It comes from laboring with all your soul to give the most love you possibly can give to another human being in a very short amount of time, to feel that love bind you, and then leave... you may never see them again... and it hurts because part of you goes with them.

It causes me to reflect on the importance of all my relationships.  Every human heart is fragile.  To love sincerely, offer empathy, give earnestly, and help genuinely, is to open the heart and mind to a vulnerability that brings intense joy but also deep pain. And so we proceed with every step, every day, every moment... to handle with care.

-Alicia

The Impossible Dream

I know two songs from the movie though I don't recall ever watching it.  I've never read the book either... even though it has sat on my shelf for years.  When I was a little girl, I remember my mother singing The Impossible Dream and Man of Lamancha.  She'd dance through the kitchen like a cheerful songbird and often get the lyrics messed up... but she sang her heart out anyway.

After reading the book that came in the mail last week, I took interest in the way the author mentions Don Quixote in her last chapter.  It reads as follows:

After [Don Quixote] tells [Aldonza] of his quest - to follow the impossible dream - she pleads, "Once, just once - would you look at me as I really am?"
He gazes into her eyes and answers, "I see beauty.  Purity.  I see the woman each man holds secret within him. Duclinea."

...In his quest to "add some measure of grace to the world" he became alive to new visions, to the vision of one who values all life - Jesus Christ.

Though she fights his vision as being unrealistic, her heart longs for it to be true, and in time the presence of his love, gentleness, and glory transform her life and her very nature.  

His triumph in the quest to "add some measure of grace" comes as he lies upon his deathbed and Aldonza comes to see him.  
She cries for him to regain the quest, "Please!  Try to remember!"
"Is it so important?" he asks.
"Everything.  My whole life.  You spoke to me and everything was different!" she pleads.
As he fades and dies, she is resurrected into a new being and walks away with his quest instilled upon her heart, and thereafter calls herself, Dulcinea [which means -sweet above all that is sweet]."

The part she describes here sounded so familiar to me.
"I know this story" I thought to myself.  " I know it well."
 It's a story of transformation, a story of redemption, a story of what happens to a soul when someone sees them differently, when they are seen by the light of truth, and it awakes them to who they are meant to become no matter how impossible it might seem.

There's no doubt in my mind that God knows and loves us beyond our mortal comprehension.  He answers our prayers.  He has great plans, tailor-made opportunities, and custom-fit challenges to help us grow into who we're meant to be.
...And sometimes He sends angels to help us along our journey.   I will thank God for my angels every single day of my life.  How could I ever forget the measure of grace they added to my world?!  Their quest is my quest now. It is written and instilled deep upon my heart forever.

From Don Quixote

To dream the impossible dream

To fight the unbeatable foe

To bear with unbearable sorrow

And to run where

the brave dare not go

To right the unrightable wrong

And to love pure and chaste from afar

To try when your arms are too weary

To reach the unreachable star

This is my quest

To follow that star

No matter how hopeless

No matter how far

To fight for the right

Without question or pause

To be willing to march,

march into hell

For that heavenly cause

And I know

If I'll only be true

To this glorious quest

That my heart

Will lie peaceful and calm

When I'm laid to my rest

And the world will be

better for this

That one man, scorned

and covered with scars,

Still strove with his last

ounce of courage

To reach the unreachable,

the unreachable,

The unreachable star

And I'll always dream

The impossible dream

Yes, and I'll reach

The unreachable star

"It is not that something different is seen, but that one sees differently.

It is as though the spatial act of seeing were changed by a new dimension."

- Carl Jung

What a great day!

Today was a very good day.  The meetings and speakers were all so perfect and the atmosphere was beautiful.  It felt wonderful to celebrate our fathers and I had so much fun making it an enjoyable day for my husband.  He really is such a fantastic dad!!

Another thing I loved about today was I just finished reading the book that came in the mail yesterday.  This author has a very powerful spirit because just reading her words, her presence seems to transcend space and time.  I can't explain it but it's very tangible.

If I were asked to choose three favorite parts in this book it would be hard because she shared some really wonderful things.  But nevertheless, if I had to choose...I'd narrow it down to these:

I like this part because she mentions Superman and where real superhuman power comes from:
"We live in a society which idolizes the heroes - Superman, Luke Skywalker, etc.  In fantasy we dream of becoming such a wonder.  Yet, through the divine assistance of a living God, we can in fact perform mighty miracles - superhuman miracles!  This is superhuman power and no pretended Hollywood character can match it.  To be willing to go forward on a sure course with the Spirit is to enter a whole new real of gospel living.  Living by the Spirit is exciting, unpredictable and- I choose my word carefully- fun! Yes, fun!" - Mollie Sorensen

I really like this first part because she touches on being 'mothers' not only in a physical sense but in a spiritual sense...  and I like that in regards to my journey to become a foster mom.  
More especially though, I love this quote she shares from Parley P. Pratt because I've experienced "such persons" in my life.
"To become a mother in Zion refers not only to the begetting of physical children, but more specifically the begetting of Christ-like qualities in others... Parely P. Pratt explained, 'In the presence of such persons one feels to enjoy the light of their countenances, as the genial rays of a sunbeam.  Their very atmosphere diffuses a thrill, a warm glow of pure gladness and sympathy, to the heart and nerves of others who have kindred feelings, or sympathy of spirit.  No matter if the parties are strangers, entirely unknown to each other, each will be apt to remark in his own mind and perhaps exclaim, when referring to the interview, 'Oh, what an atmosphere encircles that stranger!  How my heart thrilled with pure and holy feelings in his presence!  What confidence and sympathy he inspired!  His countenance and spirit gave me more assurance than a thousand written recommendations or introductory letters.' Such is the Gift of the Holy Spirit and such are its operations..." (Key to Theology, p. 102)

And last but not least, I like the very ending of her book because I feel that in just a few short years, my eyes have been opened to some amazing sights and I have enjoyed some very precious experiences, for which my soul is forever grateful!
"Amazing sights of glory are opened to the one who is willing to grow and yield to the Spirit: sights of faith and hope that make every day exciting and adventurous, sights of love and caring that make meeting the new neighbor down the block a precious experience, sights of living that cause one to relish a new sunrise and the morning dew, sights of freedom that prompt one to dance up and down the street, sights of joy that seem to overflow into ecstasy, and sights of glory that defy description.... We must decide to what we are now, or to become what we can become through the Spirit.  The 'sights' are glorious and well worth whatever effort to obtain A New Spirit Within You." - Mollie Sorensen

- Alicia

Happy Sabbath!

"We strive to build an environment in our home and in our hearts 
where the Spirit of God may dwell."

- Rawlins Family Mission Statement

I look forward to Sundays!  I especially love the atmosphere of our home when we have hymns or conference talks playing.  My husband and I have playlists we've created to enrich our Sundays... and every day for that matter.  Last night my husband shared with me a song from his compilation,  "Nearer My God to Thee"  I love a-capella groups and men's choirs... Plus, this is one of my favorite hymns; so, a combination of these things was a real treat to listen to.  

What do you do to draw nearer to God on the Sabbath?

What sort of things invite the Spirit and help you desire greater commitment to the covenants you've made?

Moroni has some great verses that help us to keep our Sundays conducted after the manner of the Spirit:

• The Sacrament was administered "according to the commandments of Christ" "They [the elder or priest] did kneel down with the church, and pray to the Father in the name of Christ." (Moroni 4:1,2)

• "They came forth with a broken heart and a contrite spirit, and witnessed unto the church that they truly repented of all their sins." (Moroni 6:2)

• "They took upon them the name of Christ, having a determination to serve Him to the end." (Moroni 6:3)

• "They were numbered among the people of the church of Christ; and their names were taken, that they might be remembered and nourished by the good word of God, to keep them in the right way..." (Moroni 6:4)

• "The church did meet together oft, to fast and to pray and to speak one with another concerning the welfare of their souls.  And they did meet together oft to partake of [the sacrament], in remembrance of the Lord Jesus." (Moroni 6:5,6)

• "They were strict to observe... As oft as they repented and sought forgiveness, with real intent, they were forgiven... And their meetings were conducted by the church after the manner of the workings of the Spirit, and by the power of the Holy Ghost." (Moroni 6:8)

• "The power of the Holy Ghost led them whether to preach, or to exhort, or to pray, or to supplicate, or to sing" (Moroni 6:9)

The Sabbath is a day of rest and I’ve discovered that I find rest when  I am centered on the Savior (which can actually mean hard work, very hard work)  But the rest is real: it is comforting,  It is spiritual, it is encouraging, it is hopeful - always hopeful because it is found in truth, it is refreshing and rejuvenating.

Like Moroni, I find rest when I am with others whose focus is the same as we “meet together often to fast and to pray” and conduct our lives “after the manner of the Spirit”.  It makes my day and my week so much brighter and it nourishes my soul. 

Maybe that’s why it’s called “Sun”day?   

-Alicia :)
My Favorite Choral Hymn Arrangements for Sunday Take a listen!

https://www.lds.org/church/news/church-leaders-call-for-better-observance-of-sabbath-day?lang=eng

Healing From Trauma

We started our 34 hours of in-class training for foster care yesterday.  The instructor shared this video to illustrate how we all become hard-wired in different things.  She showed this to exemplify that what is easy to understand for ourselves is not necessarily easy for others to get.

Have you ever interacted with someone who has driven you absolutely crazy?  Did you walk away asking yourself questions like these?

Why do they communicate that way?
Why do they do it like that?
Why would they ever think that behavior is appropriate?
Why can't they understand?

To us, certain habits, social cues, religious practices, etc. may be as simple as "riding a bike"... but... to someone else who has experienced a different life growing up, especially one who has experienced something traumatic, it's a whole other ball game.

This video about the backwards bike was profound for me.  My mind was totally blown (you could see it on my face as I watched it for the first time).  It was a huge aha moment for me as the instructor related it to trying to understand our different worlds... especially the world of a trauma victim. Also, what it might be like for these children to understand my "simple solutions."

That's what all foster children have in common: Trauma.  She said trauma actually lives in their body even when it seems as if they are calm or conversing normal, their body has become accustomed to living at a heightened stress level and they could snap at any given moment.

She also showed this scene from "How to Train Your Dragon" (befriending a foe) to illustrate Dr. Bruce Perry's four P's for working with a child who has experienced trauma:

1. Be Present
2. Be Parallel
3. Be Predictable
4. Patient

This was my other aha moment.  I realized (knowing my own personality) that if I had been in Hiccup's situation with this dragon, I would have tried to be instant friends, jump right on the back of the beast, and fly happily away.
But it's not that simple.

It takes being present (let them know you're there but don't push your way in),
Being parallel (stepping into their world or trying to ride their "backwards bike"),
Being predictable (live consistently what you preach),
And be patient (let them come to you, on their own time, in their own way).

My husband and I are excited to learn these principles.  Doing foster care in order to adopt will be one of the best ways to teach us these four P's first hand.  We want to help the children placed with us to heal. to bring hope into their lives. We know it will be extremely difficult.  We will fall down.  We will get hurt.  We will have to make some serious adjustments and it may take us several months, maybe even years to feel like we've found our balance, but we can learn to ride a bike... even if it's backwards.

-Alicia

(Part 1 of 2 - Audio Book )
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

(Part 2 of 2 - Audio Book )
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma

Let the Children Come

He lives with his grandparents half of the week and spends the other half with his daddy.  His mother is rarely in a position to give him the kind of attention that he needs. (Damage from drugs and a blunt head injury keep her swirling in an aimless cycle.)  My heart breaks for all the trauma this innocent 8-year-old boy has had to deal with over his short span of life.

Softly, he knocks on my door and asks to play with Micah.  I invite the boy in and call for my son. Micah is hiding because he doesn't feel like playing today.  I look back at the cute little visitor who frequents our place. There's something about this kid I can't resist.  I smile as I watch him adjust the small pair of glasses magnifying his big brown puppy-dog eyes.  I call for Micah again but he still refuses.  Apologizing to the boy for the situation, I start to open the door to send him back outside but I can't seem to let him go.

Gently, I put my hand on his shoulder, "You know what though... you're welcome to hang out with me.  I'm making kale chips.  Is that something you want to help with?"
His eyes light up, happy for anything to do, "Sure!"

I pull out a chair at the table and show him how to pluck the leaves from the stems.  Dutifully, he gets to work. We take turns filling each layer of the dehydrator and talk about school, Pokemon, and his favorite video games. He tears off the last leaf of kale and looks around for more to keep him busy.

"I have carrots you can help me peel."
"Okay!" He says with excitement.  He pulls his chair over to the trash can, awkwardly holds the peeler in his hands, and slides it down the sides of each carrot.  Shreds of orange fly every direction. It's obvious this is new to him but I'm so proud of his effort.
"What's the secret?" I ask .
"To what?" he looks up.
"How do I get my own kids to help me like this?"
He smiles proudly.
"... I just like to."
"Well, you're doing a great job. Remind me to get you a treat when we're done."

After a few more chores and small talks, we finish and I walk him outside.  "I got a new scooter" he says pointing to it propped against the stairs.  He lets me take it for a spin.  "This is pretty sweet!"  I exclaim as I hand it back over.  Sheepishly, he grins and turns around to head back home.  "Thanks for coming!" I wave.  "Thank you," he says.

My heart is full.  Any emptiness, loneliness, or anxiety I might have felt is gone.  Nothing but pure and gentle peace abide in my heart.  I wonder how it is possible to have such a simple interaction do so much for my soul.  Then a scripture comes into my mind, "For such is the kingdom of Heaven."  I smile, grateful for this little child I let in my life today.

-Alicia