Thanksgiving 2017

It was Joseph's family's turn for Thanksgiving this year.  I always love the traditions they have, either a 5k run or a game of Frisbee Football before dinner begins.  Micah and Chandler took the train a day before to bring cousins back to our place for a Thanksgiving Eve sleepover.

Thanksgiving is usually held at either Merrit's house or Lee's because they are the only homes that can accommodate 50 people.  This year, it was at Lee's. (The picture I've attached shows about half of us. There were three other large tables set up around the house.)

Before we ate, Lee arranged for several people to share what they were grateful for this past year.  The underlining theme shared was gratitude for our Savior Jesus Christ and for the life God has given us on earth. I appreciated Russ's testimony especially with all he's been through with his wife having cancer. Russ shared that he was grateful for the trials he has been through this past year because they have helped to shape him, helped him grow and appreciate in ways nothing else could.

Jeff closed our small devotional by sharing a short audio clip of President Hinckley testifying of Christ. The spirit filled the room and there was hardly a dry eye. Every heart was touched by gratitude and love for each other, for life, and for our Savior.

We had plans the next day to drive north with Lee and her family to find a Christmas tree so Joseph and the children slept that night at Lee's. I  had to drive an hour back down to Provo though to let our foster daughter be with her grandma and grandpa for the other half of Thanksgiving.  Before we left, our FD wanted to hug all 50 people individually. Everyone's heart melted by her expression of affection.

Micah tagged along with FD and I back down to Provo because he was feeling sick - he rested on the couch and watched movies while I worked on homework until it came time for me to pick up our FD from her grandma's Thanksgiving dinner.

The next morning, I drove back up to Lee's to gather those who had slept over. We drove out with her family just past the Utah/Wyoming border to find the perfect Christmas tree. I love the satisfaction of cutting down our own tree, of picking it out together. They kids may not agree but I think it's very worth the long drive and bundling up warm.

Putting up our tree last night made me more aware that Christmas is just a few weeks away and another year is almost over. Wow, I can't believe how fast this year went by!

Roll With It

It's fun picking Chandler up from work, watching him come out of the office doors dressed in a collared shirt and slacks, sporting a suave half-smile. At sixteen years old, Chandler is the youngest drafter the architecture firm has ever hired - the next oldest up from him is about twenty-three.

Chandler works every other day just a regular nine-to-five job. Then, he's on the high-school campus with the days in between. During the space in the evenings where he is home, he's either writing music or catching up with his online schoolwork. He's very busy these days but I love seeing him learn more responsibility.

With his full schedule, it's rare to be able to pull him away to engage with the family very much. The other day, I came through the door hauling groceries into the house - I glanced over at Chandler at the kitchen table (who was busy as usual writing music on his laptop) I glanced down at the large package of toilet paper rolls I had just set by the bathroom. I had a brilliant idea.... I couldn't restrain the urge to seize an opportunity to have a little fun. 

I filled my arms with rolls of toilet paper and crouched behind the counter. Then, when I got a good view of Chandler's head, I chucked a roll at him. 

I missed. 

He smiled because he knew exactly what I was up to. I chucked a second roll and he reflexively caught it. He smiled again because he knew my attempts were thwarted. I opened rapid fire and he deflected every shot until I was completely out of ammo.

But now, surrounding his work-space was a pile of toilet paper rolls. He had all of them and I had none. He began firing back as I ducked and dodged... but mostly got hit. I sighed, acting defeated as I gathered all the rolls into a bag and  walked toward the living room, "Well, I better go put these away" I stepped around the corner out of his view.  

I waited until I knew he was focused on his work again (although, I'm pretty sure he knows me well enough to have anticipated my return). Nevertheless, when the time was right, I jumped out from the corner and threw one last roll squarely at his head! "Ha ha! Gotcha!" 

We both laughed and I was grateful I was able to steal his time for some light-hearted playing. Spontaneous moments like these make the best memories!

Snapshots

I haven't taken as many photographs from this summer as I would have liked. But here are a few snapshots from the past several days...

We spent a few days last week at East Canyon State Park renting a couple of lake-side cabins with our friends, the Nimers.  Suzanne and I rented a couple of inflatable kayaks to make things a little more fun. 

Joseph and I got up before everyone else the first morning and took off on the first Kayak. We arrived to find Kaylee waiting for a turn. 

I brought along an inflatable pool raft I found at the thrift store. I figured it was worth the $3 just to see if it would work. (Never-mind that it's actually a camping mattress.) 

It could be a pool raft. ;)

Now, I completely regret not getting a picture of  my favorite part about our lake trip with the Nimers, so this image I thugged from google will have to do. It actually resembles almost exactly what we saw, except the moon was a little bigger.

 One of the evenings after we put the kids to bed, when the sky was full of stars, the four of us (Cory, Suzanne, Joseph, and I) snuck back out on the lake in our kayaks. Joseph brought his green lazer pointer and showed us the constellations: Sagittarius (the teapot), Cygnus (southern cross), Scorpius, and others. Then we gazed at the horizon as the glow of the moon began to crest above the mountains - It rose slowly with a brilliant light and the lake shimmered like glass in the reflection.  It was absolutely magical!

A few days ago, I was able to take my parents, Alexa and Connor, and Kaylee to the Missionary Training Center Open House. I made them lunch first and then treated everyone to the Creamery afterward. Alexa and Connor came back to my place for another hour or so to just talk more.

Yesterday, Miriam had her first day of public school since she was in Kindergarten. Even though she only has half her classes on the high school campus and the other half at home, she was terribly nervous to be in a setting with well over a thousand students. I held her as she cried and then offered to pray with her. I promised her that there would be at least one person in each class she would connect with wonderfully... and that promise was fulfilled. Best of all, when I picked her up at the end of the day, she was beaming with excitement to discover she gets to share her last class with her very favorite friend, Elise. 

Steady as she goes!

This last week of summer vacation, our family is going to spend a couple days hiking, camping, kayaking and rafting with the Nimer family. This is our last push for making fun memories before all our schedules go crazy after school starts.

Provo's district starts on the 15th this month.  I'll have two kids in high school now! (Well... part-time high school). Chanlder and  Miriam really like the idea of being homeschooled with their core classes and taking their extracurricular on campus. So, every-other-day I still get to have all my kids home. :)

I start school up again at BYU on the 5th of September. I'm taking a nutrition and wellness class that's twice a week, early in the morning. I'm keeping my schedule light because of foster care. I just never know when we're going to get "bonus kids" or how long they will stay.  There's always a bit of necessary adjusting after the first few days and nights of a new placement.

Every new school year, I feel like I'm jumping in to a big ocean of unknowns and changes. Every year is so different from the last. Challenges will present themselves through trying to balance the kid's school, my school, Joseph's work, Chandler's new job, foster care, and my church calling.  I read this quote this morning and think it's a good reminder amid all the scheduling:

It can be tricky trying to take things slowly in our daily hectic schedules. But remember the story of the tortoise and the hare? "Slow and steady wins the race." Speaking of "steady," I read a verse in Helaman 15:8 today that talks about freedom resulting from being "firm and steadfast in the faith". 

President Uchdorf put it another way, "If life and its rushed pace and many stresses have made it difficult for you to feel like rejoicing, then perhaps now is a good time to refocus on what matters most.

Strength comes not from frantic activity but from being settled on a firm foundation of truth and light. It comes from placing our attention and efforts on the basics of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. It comes from paying attention to the divine things that matter most."

The pressures of daily living, raising a family, work, school, service in the community and church, can feel like tumultuous ocean waves beating upon us. There's a old nautical phrase the sailors say, "steady as she goes." Steady. Steadfast. Keep the course of what matters most.

Basically, as long as I make sure to always slow down enough to make time for my daily spiritual nourishment and the daily spiritual nourishment of my family, I can feel peace in the middle of a storm.

President Ezra Taft Benson testified that, "When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities."

-Alicia

No More Tears

Liz and her husband, Brett

I got news early this morning that my cousin, Jordan, took his own life. He was a soldier in Iraq and suffered a great deal from PTSD. He had just returned home and was living with his sister, my cousin Elizabeth (Liz), and her husband.  They had been trying to help Jordan. I can't even imagine what Liz is going through right now.

Liz is one of my favorite persons in the world! She's absolutely gorgeous inside and out! Liz works full-time as an amazing nurse in the NICU at Primary Children's. She considers it an incredible blessing to care for newborns everyday because Liz has spent all her marriage unable to have children of her own. Her trial of being childless has been overwhelmingly heartbreaking - yet, she forgets her struggles and is constantly serving others.

She's one of the most Christ-like, self-less, loving friends and family members anyone could know.  She has a mother heart who desires to nurture and care for every soul. There are countless numbers of people who look to Liz as a brilliant light in this dark world -I know her brother, Jordan, did. She loved him so much!

I messaged my cousin this morning with prayers and sympathy.  I dedicated a few songs to her because music is healing for me. - It hurts to see her go through so much and know that there is so little I can do to help!

Head, Heart, Hands, and Health

Every year I make adjustments and changes to the way I homeschool my kids. This year, through my neighbor, I discovered a really great resource called 4H. I had heard of 4H club in high school but for some reason I always thought it was some kind of agriculture club. It's actually more of a family support group. The four H's stand for Head, Heart, Hands, and Health.

They offer free events and activities to strengthen family bonds and provide service opportunities to inspire family purpose. Children older than nine years old can be assigned a personal mentor. The mentors are college-age young adults who volunteer as a big brother or sister, who visit with your child for one hour each week helping them with their schoolwork, inspiring them in their talents, talking with them about their goals, anything to help develop your child and prepare them for the future.

Chandler hasn't really warmed up to the idea. Miriam and Micah resisted at first but when they met their mentors, they really loved it! Kaylee is in the process of being assigned her mentor. 

Last week, I was able to take my whole family camping in Wyoming for four days through the 4H program. They gave us our own cabin and provided us with food each day.  All we had to do was plan and teach other families a game one of the evenings and pay for our own river-rafting trip. 

What meant the most to me was being able to get Joseph out where he wasn't bothered by work or finances, where he could be with us and just enjoy some relaxation. It seemed to help him pull out a little from his depression for the time we were there. I was so grateful for that!

Finding Connection

This past week has been so full of ups and downs; some rich, full, and happy experiences - and other experiences that fill my heart with sorrow.  I woke up this morning feeling restless. I thought that maybe by writing out some of it, I could sort through it.

I spent last Thursday through Saturday on a Sister's Retreat with six of Joseph's sisters and my mother-in-law.  We usually have some sort of retreat together once a year. This year we rented a house in Salt Lake. We went out to dinner, we hiked, we played games, and had a really cool sharing night where we Skyped with Joseph's other sister, Ann. The sharing night to me is really like a church testimony meeting. We each come prepared to share a "life-lesson" with each other and they almost always involve some lesson that has helped us grow closer to our Father in Heaven and to our loved ones.

I think of the family support I was blessed with from marrying Joseph, blessed with seven beautiful sisters who fill my heart and give me a sense of being anchored in something stable. I'm filled with gratitude and pride for the choice I made to become a Rawlins.

All of my sisters-in-law are very aware of Joseph's battle with depression his whole life. They are aware of the more severe trenches he's pulled through... and they're aware that he's in a pretty deep one right now. They shared with me their same feelings of being at a loss of what to do. As one solution, we did come up with working out some sort of annual Brother's Retreat for Joseph and Jason.

Joseph needs support in this new neighborhood too. He's not connecting with any of his ecclesiastical leaders and hasn't made any friends. He has never been one to have lots of deep relationships though. He is much more introverted and really shows little interest in making close friends. He has one friend, Ryan, he met at BYU that he bonds with really well, but Ryan lives in Oregon now -At least the two of them call and write each other every week. I'm so glad Joseph has that support.

It just feels like it's been a while, a couple years maybe since Joseph has been depressed for this long. When he gets like this, he isolates himself, closes off emotionally and physically. It gets a little lonely because he's here... but he's not here... it's almost like living with a ghost - we pass each other and I walk right through him.

I've been very concerned. Through the years, I've learned it doesn't help to ask him to express what's on his mind, it only makes him more frustrated. A couple days ago, I had to pry him open though, just barely enough to make sure he wasn't feeling suicidal at all, to know he wasn't in the red zone again. It took him a while to answer but he finally said that he wasn't suicidal, he just didn't want to live a long life. I hope he lives a long life for my sake. I need him. I can't imagine spending the last twenty years of my life alone!

I had a glimmer of hope for him yesterday. He seemed happier than usual, at least happier than he's been in a long time. I think seeing family and old friends helped perk him up. We spent the evening with my best friend, Suzanne's family and our other old neighbors, the Prices. It was good for him. I want to find ways to get him out more - maybe he needs a trip for a week with his best friend, Ryan?

Speaking of old friends, I had a wonderful time Monday night going to our old neighborhood's block party. I brought my niece Alexa, her boyfriend, and her boyfriend's family. There must have been over 400 people at the party! I loved seeing so many faces of people who had also moved away from our old neighborhood. It was so good to see them again: We played. We hugged. We talked. We danced -It was the highlight of my year so far. Do you ever wish you had the power to stop time? There are some moments in life I never want to end. Moments like these spent connecting and re-connecting with people I love, even if they don't come that often, make me want to live a very long life.

But time moves on... and you try to make the most of the dull parts in-between. Maybe that's it. I think I woke up this morning just feeling a little sad. There are so many people I miss. So many at the party I didn't get a chance to talk with, to connect to.

I love what Herman Melville said about human connection,“We cannot live only for ourselves. A thousand fibers connect us with our fellow men; and among those fibers, as sympathetic threads, our actions run as causes, and they come back to us as effects.”

I'm grateful for my new calling in the church. I know it is a blessing in disguise because it will help me create the connections I so desperately need to make in this new ward - connections that will help me heal from or even forget my own heartaches. I have felt the blessings pour into my life already from reaching out to my sisters in this ward. I'm realizing that there are a whole lot of hearts quietly hurting, so many hearts who need to be nurtured and noticed. I'm anxious to pull them into my own... and grow together.

“Spirituality is recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion. Practicing spirituality brings a sense of perspective, meaning and purpose to our lives.”
― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

-Alicia

To the Rescue

All Micah wanted for his 12th birthday was a hamster. He was bursting with excitement the day he finally got his long anticipated furry companion.  He named her Muffin and went to great lengths making sure she had the best home ever staying up until midnight rearranging the tubes in her cage.

Saturday night, Micah accidentally left a section of the cage open and Muffin escaped. My heart broke for Micah, he was completely devastated. The entire family pulled together and knelt in prayer that we would find her safe.

Miriam and Kaylee searched every corner of their bedroom and we searched ours. We looked in every possible place in Micah's room and all around upstairs. It didn't seem like she could have gone far.

I glanced at the old heater vent in the girls room that was missing a few slats just big enough for a rodent to fit through. "Dang it!" I thought. "I bet you anything that's exactly where she went." I was right.

We figured that since the house is so old, with all the gaps, lathe and plaster, she could have wiggled her way easily through the upstairs walls and floorboards. I used a flashlight and a mirror trying to see down the shaft but I couldn't see a thing! I tried to lure Muffin out with peanut butter and was prepared to camp out on the floor by the heater vent all night long and wait for her return. I felt so bad for Micah.

Moments later, Kaylee had the impression to search the furnace room downstairs. Sure enough, we heard scratching in the main shaft. My husband examined where we might open a panel and found a strip that had a few screws above the area where muffin was trapped.
Joseph asked for Chandler to bring his Stanley drill from the mud room.
We all waited anxiously.
Chandler came back with the drill and handed it to Joseph, "By the way dad, Dewalt is offended."
"What?" Joseph asked.
Chandler repeated himself as he pointed to the drill, "Dewalt is offended.  His name's not Stanley."
We both busted up laughing, grateful for Chandler's help and sense of humor.

Joseph undid all the screws but the panel wouldn't budge.  We ended up having to cut up the edge of the furnace shaft and bend it out of shape so we could fit our arms down. Any damage done to our furnace was well worth it though!  You should have seen the look on Micah's face when we placed the frightened (but safe) hamster back into his hands.

It may seem like such a small thing but I was so grateful for this little adventure, grateful for prayer, and how it brought our family together.

-Alicia

I'll Take It

I drove up to be with my niece yesterday. She wanted her cousins there too and since my kids are homeschooled, I was able to bring them without any problems!  (My foster son was at the Elementary and my foster daughter was at preschool. So it was just me, Alexa, and my bio-kids.) We spent the entire afternoon with her. She said it was exactly what she needed.

Here's a few pictures from yesterday.  We met with Alexa minutes after her appointment with the dentist. Half her face was still numb and she couldn't talk well--My kids thought it was absolutely hilarious listening to her. Alexa snapped a shot with Kaylee trying to do the pouty pucker look. I was laughing so hard because you can see her lips weren't working right.

The last picture of Alexa in the dentist chair is a selfie she sent to her boyfriend, Conner right after she got her shot of novocaine. I love that they can have fun with each other like that.  He's been such a strength to her and stayed at the hospital with Alexa all day on Sunday. We really love him and you can see why he loves her.  She's wonderful!

Right when we got home from hanging out with my adorable niece, we turned around and left with everyone (including our fosters) to go hiking for FHE up Battle Creek Falls. It was a very full and a very good day.

I'll take it!
-Alicia

She can't go like this!

I nearly lost my sister today. She's in the hospital for attempting to take her own life this afternoon. I spoke with my niece, Alexa, a couple hours ago. My heart breaks for her.  Turns out the guy my sister married last year has been arrested for domestic violence.

I'm making arrangements to visit my sister this week.  They have her stabilized with oxygen and I.V.'s  The doctors say she should make it and I think the plan is to get her into a treatment facility this week.

It's interesting that before I got today's news, I've been having lots of thoughts about my sister. I've been waking up with her on my mind several times a week.  Over the past two months, I've tried to contact her.  I was in Salt Lake a few weeks ago and wanted to visit her at her work but she was too busy so I just dropped off some food at her apartment. I had a strange feeling when I stood outside the door there.  I just knew things weren't right.

Alexa confirmed my fears tonight when she told me about an indecent that happened just over a month ago where apparently, my sister was punched in the face by her husband. He was completely drunk. Can you believe my sister paid this creep's bail the next day for a thousand dollars? She barely has enough money to buy food!! My heart hurts so bad to see my sister in another abusive relationship.

I worry my sister won't live a very long life, even if she fully recovers from this suicide attempt.  My niece has the same concerns. She told me tonight how badly she wants her mother to live for many years to come, to see and hold her grandchildren someday.

Please Dear Father, help my sister to realize her own worth, to find a safe haven, to heal, to have hope for a better tomorrow, and know she is greatly loved. Please Lord, don't let her go this way!!

Driving Lessons

Chandler has been driving with his permit for eight months now. It's so fun to see him growing up! He's an interesting mixture of cautious and cocky when he's on the road.

Before I say much more, I have a small confession to make:
He has actually been driving with me much longer than with his permit... much longer.  I don't know how legal it is but I've been taking all my kids to vacant church parking lots since they were eight years old giving them turns sitting with me in the driver's seat.  It's just a little more difficult these days to be inconspicuous in our big huge "space shuttle."

Through the years, I've noticed how completely different each of my kids have handled driving and how core aspects of their personalities manifest themselves behind the wheel.

Just for the record, Chandler gave his predictions for each of his siblings when they get their licence:
"Miriam will always drive 20-miles-an-hour under the speed limit.
Micah will be the first one to get in a wreck.
Kaylee will be too afraid to even get behind the wheel."

I laugh because I believe he's right with Micah and I don't think the wreck will be small... and of course, Micah will think it was awesome! But Chandler's predictions about his "timid" sisters couldn't be more off.  Miriam has always handled it quite confidently and maturely. As for Kaylee, Chandler hasn't been with me when I've taken her out for a "drive"... she's much more "brave" than he thinks.

-Alicia

All About Learning

Joseph took work off today so we could enjoy a nice morning hike together. He's been so good about making sure we have time alone. Our dates are more frequent and consistent than ever and I love it! I think Joseph has felt more protective of me because of all we are experiencing with foster care. He's anxious to make sure I'm holding up okay.  It's very sweet of him.

It's been great to see how my kids protectively look out for me too. I have one class this semester at BYU. It has been pretty easy because it's a religion class and I use part of my scripture study time in the early morning to do my reading assignments which works out well because they're assigned from the scriptures. The exams are a little tough though. Last night, I had to study for one but couldn't really get to it until late in the evening. When I finally made it into my room to study, my foster daughter kept screaming for me. I could hear Miriam outside my bedroom door patiently working with her and helping her understand that I couldn't come out of my room. Miriam really is a miracle-worker when it comes to children.

Chandler also tried to help give me the space I needed to study. When he heard our foster daughter screaming for me again, he bounded up the stairs with a growl to "stop her"... which resulted in Miriam, Joseph, Micah, and Kaylee all dog-piling Chandler to "protect" our foster daughter. Ha ha! Despite that bit of drama, I really do appreciate Chandler's heart in it.  He really does look out for me.

It has been amazing to watch my children in this huge life-change for them and I've been so pleased to see them adjust as well as they have.  I think Micah and Kaylee have dealt with the most. They both have demonstrated incredible compassion, making room, giving time, teaching patiently, and sharing. I worry though... because I think some damage has been done to Kaylee emotionally so we've made an effort to get her therapy from a Dr. who specializes with foster families.

As hard as it has been, I must say that our foster kids have shown huge positive changes from when they first moved in with us. They are learning what it means to have boundaries, personal space, and healthy communication. They are learning responsibilities, learning to work, learning to play, learning to be creative, and use their imaginations. They are learning how a mom and a dad should treat each other. They are learning what it's like to have a book read to them, to have positive physical affection, and to feel safe at night.

We're all learning so much. I've said it before and I'll say it again:

Show me a person who has innumerable followers, popularity, high accolades, degrees and doctorates, scholarly knowledge, who has read all the books and passed all the tests but who has never learned to care for their family, never learned to be civil in conversation, never learned to recognize and act upon the Spirit, never learned to reach beyond their obsession of self to sincerely love their neighbor, who has never learned to truly love and truly serve - and you've shown me a fool, indeed.

I truly believe that best kind of education is found in meaningful relationships, it is found in learning to love, to step outside our self in the most exhausting and difficult circumstances.

-Alicia

Feels more like falling...

Today was a little rough. Actually, this past week has been more rough than usual. (And that's saying something) I think I've been feeling a little guilty for the time it takes to care for the foster kids and I worry that my biological children feel slighted or pushed off to the side. I had a team meeting on Monday, my foster son's school performance on Tuesday, a DSFS evaluation for two hours on Wednesday, and they've just increased the required parent visits to a total of four hours a week, plus preschool with mom so she can receive parental training with her own daughter which adds up to an additional 9 hours a week.

Now, I get that more parent/child time is needed since the end goal is to reunite these kids with their biological family but it makes the foster kids more emotional, more confused, more difficult to redirect.

I've been so concerned about making sure my own biological children don't feel neglected as I try to work through these issues with the fosters. I've forced myself to stay up past midnight several nights in a row because that's the only time I'll get to just scratch their backs one by one and talk to the children.

I asked some questions on our support group page and immediately a whole bunch of other foster parents chimed in to give their encouragement and validation.  

A foster mom related, "One thing that one of my bio children said to me this past summer was, 'You don't know what it's like to share your mom with someone else!' Until that point, I didn't understand her frustration, now I am very careful with how much time is spent with each bio/adopted and foster children. It is a very fine line to walk so that your own children do not build resentment towards you. Foster Care is the hardest thing I have done in my life.  

Dozens of comments came back where I knew I had a community who understood my concerns completely.  

A couple of comments were a little more light-hearted like this one from a foster dad, 

"We thought that as long as the foster kids were little, and younger than our bio kids, then there would be no problems. Bwahahahahaha!"

Others shared ideas of how to unify our family and nourish each relationship, to help create bonds with the bios and the fosters. I'm excited to try some of the ideas. 

One particular woman's comments were so great that I had to visit her profile page.  There, I discovered this cool photo I have displayed at the top of this post: "Sometime's you gotta fall before you fly."

*Sigh* - Jumping in with both feet can be a little scary.... It's the story of my life though.

"Courage is not the absence of fear; it is the ability to act in spite of it." - anonymous 

-Alicia

More Than Lucky

Yesterday was awesome!  For the morning part of St. Patrick's Day, I made green pancakes served with green milk. For the afternoon, the kids and I made green rice crispy treats and rainbow cupcakes. And for dinner, we had green deviled eggs, green grapes, cucumber wheels, and laab.  (Okay, so laab isn't anything close to Irish.) Laab is actually a Thai dish but it has some delicious greens in it and it's one of my foster son's favorite meals.  I'd actually say it's a comfort food for him because it reminds him of his mother.  He was so delighted when he found out that I made laab. He gobbled up two big servings and then swung around the table to give me a big grateful hug. I was so glad to see him happy. Next week I'll make him some pho, one of his other favorites. I really need to learn more Thai and Vietnamese recipes, 

After dinner, Joseph and I had the perfect date night-- We hiked the Y, drank green smoothies, watched a movie, and did other fun stuff. ;) We plan to make our Y hike together at least a couple times a month, maybe more.  Joseph is really serious about planning for Timp this year.  I'm so proud of him because this is completely out of his comfort zone.  I really don't know what has gotten into him but I don't want it to stop.

I was so pleased with how yesterday went. Even the morning routine was quite smooth with none of the regular meltdowns from my foster daughter. The weather was amazing and the kids were all generally happy. It really was a good day... and I'll hang on to all the good days I can. 

I'd be ungrateful if I didn't take note.

-Alicia

All So Real

My husband and I went to see the movie Lion Saturday night.  Nominated for a Golden Globe award, it's a movie about a boy named Saroo adopted from India by an Australian couple, John and Sue Brierley.

Now since we aren't adoptive parents, we are only fostering right now, there are some big differences, but this movie was much more impactful to us than it would have if we weren't in our current situation.

Being foster parents, Joseph and I have discovered hardships we never even dreamed of. When you bring these children into your home, you adopt all their trauma...and their entire past becomes part of your life. There is no escaping it.

 Saroo was a beautiful experience for John and Sue.  From the moment they brought him home, he was obedient and good-natured. They both bond very quickly with Saroo. But everything changes for the Brierley's when they decide two years later to adopt another boy, Mantosh, from India .

The scene where they bring Mantosh home and introduce him to Saroo has a completely different tone. Mantosh has frequent violent emotional melt-downs, screaming, flailing, and smacking himself. This realization is horrifying to Sue and John. This kind of trauma was not what they expected, especially after their first adoption seemed to be such a happy placement. Sue struggles to remain her natural cheery self. The energy required to care for Mantosh is an exhausting battle day after day that almost drains the life out of her.

Watching this scene filled me with emotion.  I turned to my husband who related instantly too. He looked at me and lovingly squeezed my hand. Tears rolled down my face and I whispered to him, "It's so real. I get this, Joseph. I totally get her pain."
"I know you do." He said, squeezing my hand tighter, "I know."

When Saroo grows older, memories from his past begin to haunt him and he can't let it go until he gets the questions plaguing his mind answered. His emotional state deteriorates in the journey, worrying his adoptive parents greatly.  He apologizes deeply to Sue, "I'm sorry... but you've adopted my past."

Oh, the lives of these children! So few realize the horrors they have experienced, how it plays out and affects everyone in their lives in so many varied ways.  So few realize the energy it takes to help them heal from it all. But someone has to help them heal!

This movie, based on a true story, does an excellent job of creating new insights about adoption... yet, it's still a movie: There's only so much that can be fit into the film, only so much that can be told.  There is so much more behind the scenes and between the lines.

Still though, if you haven't seen Lion -- go!

-Alicia

Stronger

Joseph and I have grown so much closer together in the past three-and-a-half months. One of the reasons for this may be because foster care is such a terribly lonely road, there are so few people who understand how it affects the family. It's just one of those things that has to be experienced to grasp the full scale of it all.  Joseph and I have had to rely very heavily on each other for support, we've taken more time to be together, to go on dates, and to confide our hearts. 

When you foster, you invite an immense amount of trauma into your life and the lives of your children--The medical professionals call this secondary trauma. Because foster care is so taxing, so difficult, and so dramatically life-altering, it's important that we have a good team to work with: helpful resource counselors, informed social workers, and accessible support groups. 

Last night, Joseph and I met with the DCFS team for two hours. The meeting was very productive as we addressed every aspect and angle of the difficulties we're facing.  It felt so comforting to have them listen to us, to supply ways and ideas that will make our job a little easier and provide a better environment for the entire household.  We know our DCFS team genuinely cares about us and wants to make this work. 

In less than a month, the parent visits will increase to four hours a week (2 hrs on two different days), court hearings bi-weekly, and therapy two hours a week. Our schedules will definitely be more tight than they've ever been. I have to admit, this makes me a little more nervous to continue my schooling at BYU but I still believe that it's not impossible.

My husband and I are certainly learning to do hard things. We stumble and fall all along the way but we're learning.

I've been so proud to see Joseph increase in his resilience and optimism. He has been a good example to me of humility and faith.  This morning, he announced that he's going to hike Mt. Timponogos this August and he wants to start training with me mid-March. Anyone who knows Joseph would realize that this is absolutely huge for him! He usually hates any kind of exercise but he said he wants this to be a symbol of overcoming difficulty and persevering in the face of great opposition. It's amazing what has come over him!

We're going to make this. With God's grace, we will be strong enough.  We're going to make all of this together and come out on top. I am completely confident!

-Alicia :)

My Song for the Day

Happy Valentine's Day!

I hope you have great plans to show the most important people in your life that you love them! It doesn't need to be extravagant or outlandish --It really is the small and simple things that make the difference.

Everyone, both men and women, want to know that they are cared for, that they are thought of, that they're important. True and pure love is the most powerful force in the universe. Pure love inspires people to accomplish their dreams, to be more faithful in their relationships, and to become the very best they could become. Pure love stems from selflessness and gratitude.  There is no thought of return, no concern for "what's in it for me?"-- it just simply gives of their time and self freely, verbally, physically, affectionately, thoughtfully.

My challenge today is to first, show this great love to those within the walls of your own home and then second, find someone who lives alone and do something for them today. Make it a ripple effect!

“There are many souls whom I have loved stronger than death. To them I have proved faithful—to them I am determined to prove faithful, until God calls me to resign up my breath.”

- Joseph Smith

Happy Valentine's!
Everybody wants to be loved!
- Alicia

Sunday Drive

We all had a great evening tonight.  Chandler suggested we load up the family for a Sunday drive.  We didn't have a destination in mind at first but then decided to take a nice scenic ride up West Mountain to BYU's observatory where Joseph used to work when he was studying Astronomy.

We probably made it about 80-90% to the top of the mountain until we ended up getting stuck in the snow and mud.  In order to get ourselves un-stuck, we drove backwards down the slushy dirt road for about a half a mile.  We never made it to the observatory but were still able to enjoy a spectacular view!!  There's something I love about seeing this beautiful valley from a different angle, a fresh perspective.

I think we have the same "fresh perspective" opportunities in our own families, with our spouse and with our children. How often do we take the time to try and see them in a different light, to search for the beauty we've been missing?

I had a few principles stand out to me during some of the church meetings I attended today:
#1 -gratitude-- Be an optimist. Look for the good at home, focus on the qualities you love and admire in your children and your spouse. Exercise drawing your attention to all the great qualities you see in them.
#2 -Make time to connect with each member of your family.  Be there for them. Get to know them, their likes and dislikes, their hopes and dreams.  Check in with them regularly. Don't be in the habit of checking out.

Our little family drive this evening was fun.  I'm so glad we did it.  And of course, Chandler found the perfect instrumental music to make the ride a little more magical.
I love that guy!

-Alicia

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. 

It turns what we have into enough, and more. 

It turns denial into acceptance, 
chaos to order, confusion to clarity. 

It can turn a meal into a feast, 
a house into a home, 
a stranger into a friend. 

-Melody Beattie