Feels more like falling...

Today was a little rough. Actually, this past week has been more rough than usual. (And that's saying something) I think I've been feeling a little guilty for the time it takes to care for the foster kids and I worry that my biological children feel slighted or pushed off to the side. I had a team meeting on Monday, my foster son's school performance on Tuesday, a DSFS evaluation for two hours on Wednesday, and they've just increased the required parent visits to a total of four hours a week, plus preschool with mom so she can receive parental training with her own daughter which adds up to an additional 9 hours a week.

Now, I get that more parent/child time is needed since the end goal is to reunite these kids with their biological family but it makes the foster kids more emotional, more confused, more difficult to redirect.

I've been so concerned about making sure my own biological children don't feel neglected as I try to work through these issues with the fosters. I've forced myself to stay up past midnight several nights in a row because that's the only time I'll get to just scratch their backs one by one and talk to the children.

I asked some questions on our support group page and immediately a whole bunch of other foster parents chimed in to give their encouragement and validation.  

A foster mom related, "One thing that one of my bio children said to me this past summer was, 'You don't know what it's like to share your mom with someone else!' Until that point, I didn't understand her frustration, now I am very careful with how much time is spent with each bio/adopted and foster children. It is a very fine line to walk so that your own children do not build resentment towards you. Foster Care is the hardest thing I have done in my life.  

Dozens of comments came back where I knew I had a community who understood my concerns completely.  

A couple of comments were a little more light-hearted like this one from a foster dad, 

"We thought that as long as the foster kids were little, and younger than our bio kids, then there would be no problems. Bwahahahahaha!"

Others shared ideas of how to unify our family and nourish each relationship, to help create bonds with the bios and the fosters. I'm excited to try some of the ideas. 

One particular woman's comments were so great that I had to visit her profile page.  There, I discovered this cool photo I have displayed at the top of this post: "Sometime's you gotta fall before you fly."

*Sigh* - Jumping in with both feet can be a little scary.... It's the story of my life though.

"Courage is not the absence of fear; it is the ability to act in spite of it." - anonymous 

-Alicia

Facing Fear and Sorrow

Well I don't think Yoda had it exactly right--Fear doesn't necessarily lead to anger.  It's the denial of fear, the being too proud to admit fear, or just a completely unconscious fear that can lead to an unhealthy anger.

I've felt compelled to study the emotion of fear a little more lately mostly to observe the needs of each member of my family: my children,  my foster children, my husband, and myself.  Fear is a powerful emotion and can be extremely intimidating. But instead of running from it, we should seek to understand the cause of it in our lives.

I've noticed that Joseph has been studying fear too--searching talks and scriptures on the subject. We've had some great discussions together that I've really enjoyed.  Last Thursday, we had a 3-way phone conversation from one of the supervisors at DCFS.  He described some observations he has made with the foster children and how fear has been playing into their lives.

There's something interesting about fear... because when we don't face our fears or admit them, it usually leads to another, more frightening, emotion.  I found these lines the other day that describe what I'm trying to say:

"A well-defended heart is always looking for a fight"

-Jason Gray

These discussions and these studies have been very helpful in opening our understanding to two little guests we have in our home.  A couple of nights ago, we gained even more insight as we listened to an incredible story.

Joseph and I had our date night on Sunday this last week and had the privilege of attending a fireside where Sergeant Justin Garn spoke.  Sergeant Garn described some of his experiences in combat. He said that fear and sadness are primary emotions and that anger is secondary. Even in a split second, when someone flies off the handle, it is almost always because they've ignored their primary emotion. Anger is always a choice and that it is usually used as a tool to hide fear or grief.

He described some dark times in his life during combat where he almost let anger take over his soul because he didn't want to face his fears or sorrows. It was a rude awakening to recognize the anger that almost swallowed him whole. He realized that it came from suppressing his fear and by not allowing himself to mourn.

"We all grieve in different ways," he said--we all mourn over different losses and changes in our lives--but we all grieve and we all mourn.  And we need to allow ourselves to feel and express fear and sorrow, these primary emotions, to be real with ourselves and others.  If we don't, then we often turn to anger--the biggest destroyer of peace.

He began to study his scriptures and pray everyday.  He changed the music he listened to and prepared himself each morning by listening to hymns, songs that reminded him of the worth of every human soul. He felt a miraculous change come over his heart as he began to feel love even for those who would usually be called his enemy.

As Joseph and I listened to this incredible soldier speak, we heard a modern-day Moroni, one who did not desire to be a man of blood, one who delighted in the freedom of all people, one who truly loved God, his country, and his family. He had a magnificent spirit of humility and love about him.

During the fireside, our experiences as foster parents played in my mind. I thought of the extreme fits of rage our little foster daughter has on a regular basis. I thought of the difficult outbursts of anger our foster son displays too... And I saw them both a little differently.  I could see more clearly what the social worker was describing last Thursday.  These are two very frightened and sad children. It's helpful for us to understand this because it works more compassion and empathy into our hearts. They have not learned to come face to face with their primary emotions, instead they suppress them and have learned to go straight to anger. They don't know how to face their fears.  They don't know how to grieve.

I'm so grateful for this fireside, for the phone-visit we had with the social worker, for the talks Joseph and I have been reading, for the scriptures that have inspired us... these are all in direct line with each other, witnessing to us that God hears our prayers and is teaching us what we need to know along the way.

I read this quote this morning during my personal study and quickly copied it down because I KNOW it's true!! This is my testimony:

"I tell you this: God cares about you. He will listen, and He will answer your personal questions. The answers to your prayers will come in His own way and in His own time, and therefore, you need to learn to listen to His voice. God wants you to find your way back to Him, and the Savior is the way.God wants you to learn of His Son, Jesus Christ, and experience the profound peace and joy that come from following the path of divine discipleship." - President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

-Alicia

"And Mary said..." - Ponderize - Week 61

In our church, we use the phrase "magnify the Lord in your calling" quite a bit.  I've been thinking what it means to magnify the Lord.  All too often, we might think this means exhausting ourselves to do more, be more, to run "faster than we have strength" in order to magnify our calling but we forget "the Lord" part.

In Luke 1:46, Mary, the mother of Christ said, "My soul doth magnify the Lord."

What does it mean to magnify something? It means to increase, extend, expand, intensify. 

If it is the Lord that is the one that is magnified first in our heart and mind then He becomes bigger, stronger, more powerful than the other things that may try to consume us... like our fears, our weaknesses, our anxieties, our doubts, and even our foolish pride.  

The problems and struggles we face may seem Goliath in size, but when our soul magnifies the Lord,  we see that God is bigger than any obstacle. With this knowledge, we can do as David did: We will "hasten and [run] toward" those giants, with full confidence that we "come to [our problems] in the name of the Lord of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel" so "that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel." (1 Samuel 17:45, 46 & 48)

Through a vision that daily recognizes and embraces the all-consuming presence and power of God, we see that God is greater, He's stronger, He is more powerful than any troubles we face, and we will come off conquerors!! With God, we need not fear.   

-Alicia

Magnify

by, We Are Messengers

Waves of Grief and Loss

"Grief seems to create losses within us that reach beyond our awareness; 

We feel as if we're missing something that was invisible and unknown to us while we had it, but is now painfully gone."

- Brene' Brown (From the book Rising Strong p.146)

I think that's exactly what my husband is going through, a period of grief--a type of mourning. Our old life that has passed away--how our family used to be, everything that was comfortable and familiar--now feels strange and foreign when he arrives home from work: different faces, different voices, different smells, different behaviors, different conflicts.

For the first few days after our foster placement, I felt the same kind of grief, the same sense of loss for our old lifestyle... and it still surfaces every now and then but I think I've had more time to adjust than my husband.  For two weeks before these children were officially placed with us, they were coming to our house for around five hours every day and went back home shortly after Joseph returned from work... so he didn't get as much of a primer. And still, after the placement, he's at work most of the time while I'm here with them. My ratio of opportunities to adjust simply outnumber his.

Big changes have never been easy for Joseph--the loss of what once was.
I remember two big changes where he nearly called everything off because he was so terrified of the pending upheaval of his familiar routine: our wedding day and our move to Provo. In his own words he says, "I was so terrified, I wanted to tuck tail and run!" And running away, is exactly what he's felt like doing with our new life as foster parents. Admittedly, several days ago, I was right there with him. Sometimes we both ask, "What the 'H' have we gotten ourselves into?!"

There are two things that help us hold our ground though:
One--the miraculous events, timing, and connections that led us to where we are. We know we've been called of God on this mission...
And two--thinking of our foster children's lives and the intense need they have for a stable family, free from living on the streets, free from the scene of drugs, free from abuse.
Where else would they go without having to leave their school, their friends, and the people they've come to know through this ward?

I recognize that this transition is going to take time for both of us and it's likely going to take more time for Joseph, because he's not home as much. The biggest thing I worry about is him being too hard on himself. The other night he said discouragingly, "Alicia, I'm the one who initially introduced the idea of being foster parents but now I don't feel like I can't do this. I just can't do this. I don't feel close to these children at all." I reassured him that I often feel the same but I know we're going to make it!

I've discovered that our older foster child needs about an hour every evening to just talk with me. If I don't allow him that conversation time, he begins to act out in poor behavior and wake all the other kids. I'm grateful though because our conversations have helped forge some very needful bonds, even if they're not as strong as I'd like them to be.

For the past nine nights, during the new bed-time routine, Joseph has been so terribly uncomfortable that the only way for him to cope has been to keep his distance: emotionally and physically. He hunkers downstairs writing in his journal or chats with Chandler for two hours while I put the other five to bed. I recognize how prone he is to depression so I haven't said anything.  The miracle is that the Lord has blessed me with an added measure of peace and strength to help me shoulder this compassionately while Joseph works through his grief of losing our old life.

"I once heard a friend say that grief is like surfing. 
Sometimes you feel steady and you're able to ride the waves, 
and other times the surf comes crashing down on you, 
pushing you so far underwater that you're sure you'll drown."

- Brene' Brown (From the book Rising Strong p.147)

The crashing waves remind me of the familiar story of Peter when Christ beckoned for him to step out onto the water. I know it seems impossible. I know it is frightening and overwhelming at times but I know Who is calling us and I trust Him. I trust Him with all my heart.
We won't drown. He's got this!

-Alicia

Walk On the Water

Six to Eight

Our family grows by two more today.  We're being placed with our first official foster children. I have their beds and dressers ready.  I bought a little stuffed animal for both of the children and wrote a small note to the older one welcoming him into our family. He's been coming over every day after school for the past week-and-a-half, staying until dinner.  The social worker didn't tell him we'd be his new foster parents until a couple days ago and I think it's a frightening change for him just as it is for us--so many unknowns.

The woman who had been watching the kids for the past three months came over yesterday and we talked for about an hour.  I was in the middle of doing my homework when she stopped by and the timing of her visit wasn't the best. I have been doing research for my class at BYU and it has been a very time-consuming project- so I was already a bit nervous about my schedule. I must admit that the things she shared with me were very intimidating too.  She warned me that the little girl never sleeps because of night terrors--waking and screaming, biting and scratching herself almost every hour from so much trauma. I could feel the anxiety grow in my heart as she shared other stories with me.

After she left, I prayed and pled for guidance and comfort. I decided to make an impromptu visit to the DCFS office near my home and speak with the children's social worker.  He spoke to me for over an hour and I was glad to have connected with him.

Later in the evening, Joseph and I went to the temple and did a session.  We always take a moment to pray together and share with each other thoughts and impressions as we sit in the Celestial room. He expressed the insights he had and then asked, "What about you?" I reflected on the events of the day and the intense emotion I felt earlier in contrast to how I was feeling then. I answered, "I didn't have anything revealatory come to me, but I have felt incredible peace. Somehow, at this moment, even knowing what lies ahead and the exhaustion I will feel caring for these children (the weekly parent visits, the court dates, the medical, dental, school appointments, etc.) I feel peace. All the anxiety and worry is gone from my heart and I'm so incredibly grateful for that."

This morning, I went to take my two oldest to do baptisms at the temple with a friend but the kids decided last-minute to sleep in. I was already up and ready to go, so I went alone and did some initiatories. Again, nothing revealatory happened, I just felt peace.

One foot in front of the other.  Keep on keeping on.

I'm so grateful that this is the Lord's work and that He'll be with our family through all of it, just as He has always, always been there for us.

-Alicia

"Fear Not"

Fear can be paralyzing.  It can cause us to distance ourselves from family, from friends, and even from God. It can cause unnecessary pain and stir up emotions of hurt, regret, disconnect, and shame. We all have fears but it doesn't do any good to run from them. Fear is the complete opposite of faith and it grows nothing but discord.

I won't deny it, I have my own fears.  I discovered that we will be placed with our foster kids in one week.  I knew it was coming but I didn't think it would be this soon. I want so desperately to help these children without making things too difficult for my own.  I confided in my dear friend, Suzanne, last night about all my fears. She hugged me and reassured me that our family would do a fine job. I was so grateful for her faith in me in that moment.  I really needed it.  Joseph has been a wonderful support too and has faced all of this with tremendous optimism these past couple of weeks.  I know we will both rely on the Lord to get us through.  He is going to be such a wonderful foster father.

I searched some talks on BYU this morning about fear and found some great words by Lloyd Newell.  I share this with anyone else who might struggle with fear.  Don't shame yourself for it.  Get back up and move on.  Today is a brand-new day, rely on the power endowed in us through Christ for, "perfect love casteth out fear." (1 John 4:18)

-Alicia

"I, like you, have fears, and I need to be reminded at times to fear not. I don’t know what your fears are. Like Zacharias, who feared that he would never have children, you may have fears about your family. Or maybe your fear isn’t that you won’t have children but that you will have children, whom you will have to raise in a toxic world increasingly hostile to families. Like Mary, you may have an assignment or responsibility that seems far beyond your abilities. Like Joseph, you may fear getting married—or that you will never get married. Like the shepherds, you may be 'sore afraid' when your peaceful and simple life is disrupted because God has plans for you that are bigger than what you have for yourself.

Life presents endless opportunities to fear. We may fear what people think of us. We may fear failure or rejection. We may be afraid of changes we know we must make in our lives. Or maybe we are just afraid of next week’s final exams. We may experience failure or rejection and wonder if we have what it takes. We may have financial fears, educational and career fears, or fears of public speaking, snakes, or spiders. Yes, we live in a beautiful world—but it can be scary out there!

...I did not come here to frighten you, and you did not come here to be reminded of your fears. We all long for more of God’s peace and strength in the midst of the stresses and difficulties of life.

The Lord’s message to you today is the same message He sent through His angels so long ago: 'Fear not.' He can say that because He knows more than we do. He sees what we cannot see. He knows what is coming, and, in the eternal scheme of things, it is not as bad as we may think. He knows that we can handle it with His help because He knows how to strengthen and 'succor' us. (Alma 7:11-12)"- Lloyd Newell

"One such little child"... or two

Last Sunday, I slipped into the back of the primary room and watched him as he interacted with his teacher. The boy is one year younger than my second son and probably twice as heavy--an adorably pudgy kid with dark hair, tan skin, and almond-shaped eyes.  His white collar Sunday shirt was untucked from his black slacks that were rolled up to show off his long striped socks and Air Jordan shoes.  He rarely sat still during the class and occasionally made spontaneous outbursts of animal noises. From what the other ward members had told me, his behavior has made tremendous progress since mid July, when he first began living with the young newly married couple.

He didn't notice me sitting in the back of the room... and even if he had glanced over, he wouldn't have thought anything of me being there.  He hadn't been told about me yet, even though his social worker has been working with my resource counselor to place him and his little sister in our home.

I started imagining him living with us and wondered how all of my own children would interact with him, especially my younger son, who would be his new roommate.  Fears of personality clashes, emotional adjustments, and the huge upheaval of lifestyle change for my 11-yr. old began to nag at me:  "Micah is extremely compassionate and very giving. He loves to help others but will tuck tail and run if they are ever mean--he's terribly sensitive when someone is rude to him. He's the most flexible of all of my children yet, I don't want this situation to break him or be too much for him." I continued to question, "What are we doing? Are we asking too much of all of our kids to bring these foster children in our home?" I took a deep breath and tried not to let my worries plague my mind.

I stepped out of the primary room and finished up the rest of the hour in Relief Society.  After our church services were over, I had to head down the street to watch a primary program in a neighboring ward.  It was my second program I was scheduled to watch that Sunday.

I arrived at the other church 15 minutes early.  With all my fears still weighing on me, I decided to find an empty classroom where I could just pray and study the scriptures before the program began.  Tears rolled down my face as I pled for strength to accomplish this mission God has called us to.  It will be hard for our whole family. I question my own abilities. Sometimes, I shake my head in disbelief, "Lord, why on earth do you think I can do this? I am so far from the kind of mother I want to be with my own biological children. How can I be a good mother to someone else's?" I flipped through the pages in my Bible and read, "Whoso shall receive one such little child in My name receiveth Me." (Matthew 18:5) I knew it was true!

It doesn't matter who these children belong to. Any child that comes to my home needs to know that I would receive them as if they were the Savior, Himself. I know that God's hand has been in all of this.  I do not doubt that He sent us to this very specific place because of this boy and this girl.

It was the perfect day for me to read the scripture in Matthew because at the end of both primary programs--the morning and the afternoon, the Bishop from each ward shared his testimony and quoted from the verses previous,  "And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them, and said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven." (Matthew 18:2-4) Comfortingly, I said to myself, "This is His work.  This is His work."

The caretaker of the foster children from my ward called me this past week and asked if I'd watch the two kids while they were on fall break.  I took them during the day for three days.  It has been good for all of us to meet them, to spend time with them.  Now they know we're foster parents.  I was surprised to see the boy was already quite familiar with our home.  He began to name where all the furniture used to be from the previous owners.  I guess his mother was friends with the woman we bought our home from and he had been here several times with her.

This weekend, we did respite care again for a nine-yr. old girl and her baby brother.  (We've watched them twice before.) There was an overlap where we had them and the two foster children who are getting placed with us--making four foster kids total in our home. Micah and Miriam also had a friend visiting for a good chunk of the day, adding two more kids to the mix. I didn't feel overwhelmed by all the children though, in fact I had more energy than I had all week long.  It was a definite tender mercy. These are the kinds of little miracles I'll need and I'll be expecting to carry us through in the future.

Today, I saw the foster children at church again.  But this time they knew me. They smiled shyly and waved from the bench across the row.  They are good kids and I can feel my heart open to them. Their caretaker is going to break the news to them this week that they'll be living with us. I don't know how long it will be before the children are placed in our home permanently--I imagine it will be less than a month.  I hope to be able to stay on top of my schoolwork because I'm so close to finishing this semester.  I continue to pray for strength beyond my own.  I pray for my husband, for my children, that we all will be able to unite through this effort and draw closer.  This is not a small undertaking.  Sometimes, I'm terrified, absolutely terrified... but we're still moving ahead... one foot in front of the other.

"[We] can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth [us]."- Philippians 4:13

-Alicia :)

Why Are We Here?

An Unseen Power- Ponderize - Week 53

We stayed up late last night with our kids huddled around the bedroom windows watching the most spectacular heavenly light show.  There's nothing quite as exciting as a good thunderstorm where the lighting bolts rhythmically dance in rapid succession brilliantly illuminating the panorama of the night sky.

I'm always dazzled by such displays of nature and I can't help but feel a little like Moses did when he witnessed the grandeur of God, "of the same he greatly marveled and wondered... Now... I know that man is nothing." (Moses 1:8&10)

Isn't it awesome to think that the Creator of all, the God of this Universe is our Father and that His power is not only available to us but that He wants to endow us, bestow, and enrich us with that same power!  It's not a small or inconsequential thing to have Him in your corner.

I absolutely loved the final hymn, Let Us All Press On, from General Conference yesterday. The choir sang it slower and with tremendous conviction. Tears were streaming down many of their faces as their souls bore personal testimony.

"Fear not though the enemy deride; 

Courage, for the Lord is on our side...

 If we do what's right we have no need to fear,

For the Lord, our helper, will ever be near;

In the days of trial his Saints he will cheer,

And prosper the cause of truth.

We will not retreat, though our numbers may be few

When compared with the opposite host in view;

But an unseen pow'r will aid me and you

In the glorious cause of truth."

I know there are dark and stormy clouds ahead and the prophesies of these last days are being fulfilled before our very eyes. But like electricity--we often cannot see it, yet the power of God is vibrant and living, ever-flowing around us. And in just the right moments the honest and faithful in heart will shine forth His power in a glorious display!

"Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid... for the Lord thy God, He it is that doth go with thee; He will not fail thee, nor forsake thee."- Deuteronomy 31:6

-Alicia

Somewhere Safe - Ponderize - Week 37

...but there is somewhere safe.

How bad off are we as a country when a seven-year-old can't go to sleep because she is fearful of the choices we have for a Presidential Candidate?  Maybe it just means that we as parents need to be a little more cautious in our conversations or at least tone them down a bit.  Honestly, I didn't think we really said that much around her but it's amazing how much kids pay attention.

Kaylee timidly peered down the hallway with tears streaming down her face.  Joseph tucked her back in bed and sat patiently by her side listening to her express her concerns, 

"Can't we just move out of the country?" Kaylee asked between sobs.

Lovingly, Joseph responded, "Sweetheart, it's not that easy, I wish it was.  If America goes bad there's really not a lot of options left.  But, I can tell you that the safest place to live is always within reach.  Do you know where the safest place is?"

"Where?" She inquired with a feeling of hope.

Joseph pointed to her, "It's right where you are."

Kaylee looked confused.

Joseph explained, "It's right where you are because you have faith, you love Heavenly Father, and you have a righteous heart.  No matter where we live or what goes on around us, you can always be safe because you are 'armed with righteousness'". Then gently stroking her hair,  he reminded her of the story of Elisha in 2 Kings.
Kaylee's body relaxed and she was comforted to have her father at her side and to hear his testimony.

Joseph returned from helping her and relayed their conversation.  We discussed together our own views of the times in which we live for a while.  He shared with me a verse he's been focusing on in his studies and decided it would be a good one to ponder for the week.

"I Nephi, beheld the power of the Lamb of God, that it descended upon the saints of the church of the Lamb, and upon the covenant people of the Lord, who were scattered upon all the face of the earth; and they were armed with righteousness and with the power of God in great glory." - 1 Nephi 14:14

I love how Nephi beheld that they were scattered all throughout the earth.  There was no particular safe area or land but the power of God was found in the hearts of the covenant keeping people of the Lord wherever they were.  No, we can't run away from trouble but we can find peace and comfort in the middle of it all.

-Alicia :)

"Not Distressed" - Ponderize - Week 21

I had the opportunity to talk with a young woman from my ward this morning who will be moving away soon.  She told me how much she doesn't want to leave and how frightened she is to start over. "Change can be so hard." I related to her as I remembered June of 1990 - It was the first time I had ever moved to a new place.  I was terrified. But looking back, it ended up being a huge blessing.  It lead me to the right seminary teachers, the right young women's leaders, the right friends, the right everything that I needed as an anchor through some of the most difficult and stormy days I would face in my family. The Lord knew the best place for me to be.

I could see the worry on my young friend's face as I looked her in the eyes.
"Can I show you something?" I asked.
She nodded approvingly.
I opened up the Old Testament and pointed to this verse:
"They that sow in tears shall reap in joy."- Psalms 126:5
She read the words and looked back at me waiting for an explanation.
"Whenever I've reached different crossroads or approached big changes in my life... almost everything I was worried about never ended up happening or it never turned out as bad as I thought it would.  In fact, some of the most beautiful things in my 'garden of life' have come from those things that brought the most pain and I'm actually grateful for them now.  Like rain is to soil, any tears you cry will help seeds of joy to eventually grow."
She swallowed back the emotions beginning to surface and nodded again.  I could see she wanted to believe it.
I hugged her with assurance, letting her know of good things to come.  I testified of the Lord's love and guidance.

"Joy"- That's where I started my studies off this morning.  It lead me to some verses in the New Testament which I think will be the ones I ponderize this week:

"For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us. We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed; Always bearing about in the body the dying of the Lord Jesus, that the life also of Jesus might be made manifest in our body." 2 Corinthians 4:6-10

I searched through some talks related to this scripture and found an excellent one given in October of 2002 by, Neal A. Maxwell.  (I highly recommend listening to the entire sermon, it's beautiful!)

"Regarding trials, including of our faith and patience, there are no exemptions—only variations (see Mosiah 23:21). These calisthenics are designed to increase our capacity for happiness and service. Yet the faithful will not be totally immune from the events on this planet. Thus the courageous attitudes of imperiled Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego are worthy of emulation. They knew that God could rescue them. “But if not,” they vowed, they would still serve God anyway (see Dan. 3:16–18). Similarly, keeping the unfashionable but imperative first and seventh commandments can reflect the courage which three young women displayed anciently; they said no with their lives (see Abr. 1:11).

Therefore, we can be troubled on every side, but nothing can really separate us from the love of Christ (see 2 Cor. 4:8; Rom. 8:35–39); worldly anxieties are not part of being 'anxiously engaged' (D&C 58:27). Even so, as Peter urged, we can and should cast our cares upon the Lord, because He surely cares for us! (see 1 Pet. 5:7). Oh, brothers and sisters, the awaiting emancipation of such trusting surrender!" - Neal A. Maxwell Encircled in the Arms of His Love

"Whatever will come our way

Through fire or pouring rain

We won't be shaken

Whatever tomorrow brings

Together we'll rise and sing

That we won't be shaken"

by, Building 429

- Alicia :)

The Miracle Factor

We know absolutely nothing about the process of adoption and the consultant we met with yesterday had only one hour to dump out as much information on us as she could before her next appointment.  Needless to say, when she finished, we were both a little overwhelmed.  I was clueless about how much legal work, time, research, and money is needed for adoption.  I looked at the stack of brochures, pamphlets, and business cards the consultant left us with and thought,  "It's certainly going to take a great deal of energy for us to slice through all this homework."

I think I'm still whirling in shock that my husband even agreed to this meeting.  For years he's been opposed to having more children and even more opposed to caring for someone else's.  I honestly don't know what has come over him, but I'll take it! :)

Last night we were discussing the cost and my husband expressed his concern for how long this process will take to scrape up all that is necessary.  I could sense the consultant's words were weighing heavy on him like an enormous boulder smashed right into the middle of our path.  I completely understood the feeling.  He told me that I might have to quit school but I disagreed.  I really think with just a couple of classes a year, my school won't be an issue.  Besides after this winter semester I will have enough credits to begin to apply for scholarships.  Then he said, "I'll tell you what, you make all the phone calls and gather the information on all the costs and we can sit down one evening and make a spreadsheet where we can visually compare our options."  I agreed and said that sounded just fine.  He paused for a moment then appended very sternly, "But Alicia... You have got to understand that as we lay this out in our budget and do the math we cannot write in one of the boxes 'miracle' as a factor.  A miracle just isn't something we can 'plan' for."

I sat there for a very long time in silence and remembered when we prayed in the temple shortly after we moved to BYU.  We had lived here for summer and fall semester when Joseph was laid off from his part-time job.  A few days into winter semester, he was offered a research job with his professor that equaled out to one-forth the income he had been receiving before we ever moved to BYU.  I didn't have a spreadsheet with me at the time but it didn't take much for me to do the math and see that there wasn't enough to go around no matter how hard we scraped.  I wrestled with the idea and prayed about our financial situation. I kept thinking, "If he takes this research job we will have nothing to live on.  There won't be enough to fill our needs." Then as my husband and I joined hands and I whispered a prayer for guidance, I envisioned myself with 5,000 people sitting at the feet of Christ (in Mark 8) staring at the few loaves of bread and fishes, I fiercely argued, "Lord, this doesn't add up!" I realized in that moment how ridiculous it seemed to "argue with the Lord."  Of course it didn't add up with the math I was doing... I had not included the miracle factor.

Shortly after that I was asked by our landlord to be the apartment manager for the duration of his mission with his wife.  This reduced our rent to $200 a month.  That was something I could have never foreseen.  But the majority of miracles we witnessed during that trial didn't come in the form of money but rather in the form of ability and capacity to make things work with what we had.  It came in the form of education, in the form of faith building and soul stretching.  We had been called to BYU.  We didn't know why or where or how everything was going to work out.  But we KNEW we were called to go.  I firmly believe President Monson's promise that "If we are on the Lord’s errand, we are entitled to the Lord’s help."

 If adopting a baby is something God is calling us to do, and I truly believe it is... then it will work out...  and yes, when we lay out all the boxes before our eyes, we can trust full-heartedly that there will be things we can't foresee.  Miracles must not only be factored in our equation but fully expected and central to our plans.  I believe this is one of the most valuable lessons we could ever learn in life:  To learn what our mission is and then jump in with both feet...  no fear.... just faith.

-Alicia

Beyond Understanding

We gathered with loved ones to celebrate my nephew's baptism the weekend after October's General Conference.  With the prophet's and apostle's words of counsel and wisdom still fresh on our minds, there was plenty to talk about.  I had a very pleasant visit with one of the aunts from my nephew's "other side of the family." My brother-in-law, Russ, joined our discussion as he pulled up a chair and sat down next to us.  Our conversation shifted to the movie, Just Let Go, my husband and I saw the night before:
As he listened to our review, I asked, "Have you heard the story of Bishop Williams?"
He recalled, "Yeah, that's the man who lost his two kids and pregnant wife in a car accident, right?"
"Yes, and there's a Mormon Message about him that came out several years ago. His process of grief is very intriguing."
We shared our various thoughts and discussed our limited views on his experience.
Russ suggested to me, "You'd would probably enjoy reading C.S. Lewis' book, A Grief Observed."
I responded with my love for C.S. Lewis' writings and told him, "I've read a few of his books but I haven't read that one.  I'll have to check it out."
Eagerly, I went to the library that same day and picked it up.

About a week or so later, I sat next to a very sweet woman in our Stake Choir who recently became a widow.  Before Stake Conference began and the congregation started to trickle in, I asked her how she was doing.  She confided and opened up her sorrow to me.  She said that approaching each new day without Lloyd was like trying to operate life with half her body severed off.
I told her that her description sounded very much like C.S. Lewis' words when he lost his wife.
I asked if she had read A Grief Observed and explained the book to her.
"No. That sounds like a great one though.  I need to look it up."
"It is really good and it's less than 100 pages.  I'm in the middle of reading it right now."
We took our seats as the organ began to play.  The meeting was about to start.
During the various talks, I continued to think about my grieving friend.
For one of the rest hymns the choir and congregation sang, "Onward Christian Soldiers."
As we stood, I wrapped my arm around this dear woman as a gesture to encourage her onward in her battle.  I could feel that she was weary and worn.  She reciprocated with a grateful sigh and wrapped her arm around me.  Each time we sang the chorus, I envisioned her angel husband as the one holding her.  After the song was over she said with tears in her eyes, "Lloyd loved that hymn."

Her story, Bishop William's story, and C.S. Lewis' book has left me thinking very deeply.  In all of these cases, they went through a period where they begged and wished to have just one more moment with their loved one.  But it was not to be and no amount of pleading with God could bring them back.

Lewis mourned, "Suppose that the earthly lives she and I shared for a few years are in reality only the basis for, or prelude to, or earthly appearance of two unimaginable, supercosmic, and eternal somethings.  Those somethings could be pictured as spheres or globes.  Where the plane of Nature cuts through them - that is, in earthly life- they appear as two circles (circles are slices of spheres).   Two circles that touched.  But those two circles, above all the point at which they touched, are the very thing I am mourning for, homesick for, famished for.  You tell me, 'she goes on.' But my heart and body are crying out, come back, come back.  Be a circle touching my circle on the plane of Nature.  But I know this is impossible.  I know that the thing I want is exactly the thing I can never get."

He goes on to describe the cruelty of God and his feelings of complete abandonment.   I was surprised to see the testimony of one so great as Lewis shaken to the very core.  He spent so much time preaching the word and wrote the most beautiful sermons on faith but he admitted when faced with this trial,  all his instruction was much easier said than done.

In his agony something beautiful began to happen though, and he gained some valuable insight.  He began to discover himself to see his own heart in a different light.  He reflected,"Only torture will bring out the truth.  Only under torture does he discover it himself." 

I found his thoughts about petitioning God very interesting:
  "You can't see anything properly while your eyes are blurred with tears.  You can't, in most things, get what you want if you want it too desperately:  anyway, you can't get the best out of it.... I have gradually been coming to feel that the door is no longer shut and bolted.  Was it my own frantic need that slammed it in my face:  The time when there is nothing at all in your soul except a cry for help may be just the time when God can't give it:  you are like the drowning man who can't be helped because he clutches and grabs.  Perhaps your own reiterated cries deafen you to the voice you hoped to hear.

On the other hand, 'Knock and it shall be opened.'  But does knocking mean hammering and kicking the door like a maniac?  And there's also 'To him that hath shall be given.'  After all, you must have a capacity to receive, or even omnipotence can't give.  Perhaps your own passion temporarily destroys the capacity."

This description of panic and trepidation sound like an immobilizing fear to me.  How can we expect to exercise our faith and hold the outstretched hand of God when our fists are clenched so anxiously tight?  Like he said, "You must have a capacity to receive, or even Omnipotence can't give." 

 It seems as though the surrender doesn't come at once for anybody but rather through a process of time.  It's a constant struggle of letting go day after day, after day, like learning to walk again after having half your limbs severed.... all the while the battle cry sings out, "Onward Christian Soldier!"

There is beauty in surrender, a peace and rest that come to one's soul in the relinquishment of our will and trusting that God sees the bigger picture. Through it all we might ask a thousand questions.
And it may be with us as it was for C.S. Lewis "When I lay these questions before God I get no answer.  But a rather special sort of 'No answer.' It is not the locked door.  It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze.  As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, 'Peace, child; you don't understand.'"

Maybe that's how we let go?... when we stop trying so hard to understand it all, to have every single question answered.  to embrace the  "peace of God, which passeth all understanding," peace that goes beyond what is explained, to trust as Browning said, "God is in His heaven, all's right with the world."  This "shall keep [hold together] our hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."- Philippians 4:7

-Alicia

Healing Hearts That are Failing

In the Doctrine and Covenants 45 & 88 it says in the last days "the whole earth shall be in commotion, and men’s hearts shall fail them."

Commotion, unrest, fear, turmoil.... How many hearts will fail during the days we live in???  When I read scriptures like this, I desire to encourage, to help heal the failing hearts of those around me.  A couple of weeks ago I was fasting for a family who lives next to me.  They are an unmarried blended family. Living in the "tight quarters" that we do, it's hard to avoid hearing the constant turmoil in their home.  None of them are active in the church.  The daughter of the mother used to come but has since given up as well.

About a week and a half ago I sat on the steps of our porch and visited with the mother of the family.  I listened to her tell me about the stresses and difficulties she faced on a day-to-day basis.  The entire time she was telling me about the "commotion" in her life I wanted so badly to somehow take the experiences I have had with prayer, with the scriptures, with the words of the living prophets, and infuse them into her so she could instinctively know where to find peace and rest from such needless pain.
She said, to me, "Alicia I can't come to church because I'm living in sin."
I immediately responded, "Aren't we all? If we waited to go only when we were completely free from making any mistakes or having any sin in our hearts then no one would be able to go."
I had a small window of opportunity to bear testimony to her of our Father in Heaven's infinite love and I told her of President Uchdorft's talk from this last conference to just "start where you are."

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to speak in church very briefly about the hymn, "Where Can I Turn for Peace" I had invited my neighbor friend to come and hear my testimony and I was hopeful that she would because the night before she confirmed a couple of times.  When I stood, I looked for her in the congregation but I didn't see her.  I was disappointed.  I wanted to direct my words to her. If only she would turn.  I was grateful for the number of people who had come to church that day.

I had been thinking of a favorite hymn of mine as a child, "Did You Think to Pray?" and for a brief moment I imagined myself again as a little girl sitting in church with a family who went every Sunday.  No one knew of the turmoil and pain that went on under our roof, (maybe our bishop but no body else.)  I thought, "If there are families like the one from my childhood sitting in this congregation right now then there is certainly a great number of people who are suffering needlessly in the church as well."  I remember a former bishop of ours used to call the constant visits in his office, "The Parade of Pain."

The hearts of men and women need not fail if they would only turn.  In the Book of Numbers, chapter 21, the children of Israel were bitten by serpents. Many of the people were dying but God provided an escape from the pain, suffering, and death.  He commanded Moses to raise a serpent on his staff and tell the people if they would just look at the raised serpent, they would be healed.  How can we look? How do we turn?  I believe it is through the simple process of faith and repentance, sincere prayer, daily seeking God's word (modern and ancient), and weekly partaking of Christ's sacrament.  It's the primary answer, just as simple as "look."

The children of Israel were healed by looking to Christ, they defeated the Amorites and the people of Bashan who fought against them. I testify that as we turn and look to Christ as the children of Israel did, our hearts will not fail us in these last days, even though the whole world will be in commotion.

Where can we turn for peace?  Nowhere else but to God, to our Father in Heaven and His son, Jesus Christ - "He only ONE."

-Alicia

No Sweat

We all experience it: set-backs and upsets, scenarios that inconvenience, and situations that annoy.  Expecting any stage of life to be an easy ride, free from conflict or uncomfortability, sets a person up for grave disappointment. It just doesn't work that way.

In fact, Neal A. Maxwell said that "Too many of us seem to expect that life will flow ever smoothly, featuring an unbroken chain of green lights with empty parking places just in front of our destinations!"

 Speaking of destinations... Just a couple of days ago, my husband and I purchased a car for him to drive to work on bad-weather days.  We found a well kept Suzuki Forenza with brand new tires, a fine interior /exterior, and only 48,000 miles.  It drove just fine too.  The day after our purchase we took the car into a mechanic and found out from his inspection that we got sucked into buying a total lemon.  He told us when he lifted the car to get a look underneath, there it was as plain as day, the engine had a huge crack!  It was too late, we had signed the title already. We had run a CarFax report that came back clean and the ad said "excellent condition." But we were kicking ourselves for not taking it to our trusted mechanic before going through with the sale.

We spent a full day trying to converse with the sellers by phone, email, and texting. It really turned into a nightmare and by the end, our nerves were shot. We felt sucker-punched for being so foolish and it knocked us both into a slump.  In our exhaustion we stopped and just held one another, took a deep breath and held each other a little more. I looked up at my husband and said, "We'll get through this.  It's just a little hurdle, we'll get through this." It's interesting to me how certain situations can disturb our peace of mind and bind us down to needless anxiety.

On the good side, my dear sweet friend, Suzanne, left me a card on my porch with two movie tickets inside and a large package of Rolo's with a cute little pun encouraging Joseph and I to let this situation "roll" off our backs.  Her gesture didn't fix the car but it fixed my perspective.  I have so much to be grateful for, look at the awesome friends and family I have!  Who cares about the stupid car!  In a few months from now, none of this will really matter, it will all work out, we'll go on with life, and eventually forget about it.

So this was a set-back, a definite upset, yes... but the honest-to-goodness truth is that life rarely happens the way we plan.   And really, when things do go wrong, the outcome never ends up being as bad as we expect it to be.  We can always, always find plenty to be grateful for.

My friends, don't worry. be happy... it will soon pass - whatever it is. ;)

-Alicia
http://theplaceofbecoming.blogspot.com/2015/07/three-things-to-remember.html


“Most putts don’t drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. 

“Life is like an old-time rail journey—delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed.

“The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride”

(“Big Rock Candy Mountains,” Deseret News, 12 June 1973, A4).

“One of the mistakes many of us make is that we feel sorry for ourselves, or for others, thinking that life should be fair, or that someday it will be. It's not and it won't. When we make this mistake we tend to spend a lot of time wallowing and/or complaining about what's wrong with life. "It's not fair," we complain, not realizing that, perhaps, it was never intended to be.” 
(― Richard Carlson, Don't Sweat the Small Stuff ... and it's all small stuff.)

Diving Deep

We spent most of Labor Day kayaking and paddle-boarding with my best friend and her family near the north part of Utah Lake.  We had a blast!

Now, anyone who is familiar with this lake knows exactly how shallow it is. The average depth is 9ft and doesn't exceed 14.  (This year I was told it hasn't exceeded 12ft.) From certain vantage points it looks full and beautiful but when a person enters into its waters they soon realize it doesn't take much to stir up heaps of sludgy mud.  The lack of depth also reveals its vulnerability, how close the lake is to evaporating into an empty crusty bed.  In fact, nearly half of the lake 41% dries up every year.

 Since our little one-day vacation, the word "shallow" has been on my mind.  This is the word I would choose to describe the superficial life, one that is nothing but "an act," "a show" used to hide what's really underneath. Like the lake, it's the life that has all the appearance of refreshing beauty but is really mostly mud.

It's easy to recognize this kind of facade among the Hollywood stars of today.  But I think since the invention of the Internet, YouTube, and social media, almost anyone can "make themselves a star."  And just like the actors on the silver screen,  for fear or hope of everyone watching, we all become tempted to "keep up our own appearances."  In today's world we don't need street corners to sound our trumpets...  We just need a screen with Internet access.

I think this is why I sometimes struggle to know what to write here.  Of course, I'm not saying in order for people to be real or to show depth, that they need to go onto social media and air all their dirty laundry, or show all their worst sides.  There are somethings I've shared or started to share on my blog but have then decided it's a little too personal and so I'll archive it into my off-site journal.

I guess what I'm getting at is this; I don't care the size of the audience, if there's an audience at all, it's easy to fall into a trap of "appearances" of keeping "one eye in the mirror."  - bragging or boasting, attempting to paint a self-portrait that shows me better than I really am, or understanding more about the Gospel, about motherhood, or just life in general than I really do.

Of course, the Lord doesn't want me to hide my faith under a bushel. (D&C 60:2, Matt 5:15-16) He has commanded me to make this known but it must be done with the sole concern that "God is my audience."  Anything else is vanity.

Elder Robert D. Hales warned, "We make poor and irrational decisions if we are motivated by fear: fear of man, fear of not being popular, fear of failure, fear of public opinion.

As Saul said to Samuel, 'I have sinned: for I have transgressed the commandment of the Lord, and thy words: because I feared the people, and obeyed their voice.' (1 Sam. 15:24)" - Robert D. Hales 1988 "Making Righteous Choices at the Crossroads of Life"  

Saul's sin was not so much in what he did but what he feared.  Keep in mind, it was the fear of other's opinions that caused people to reject the Tree of Life.  (1 Nephi 8:27, 28,  1 Nephi 11:36)  A perfect illustration of  what it looks like to sell the sacred.

So I've been praying lately that the Lord will help me understand my own heart.  I'm diving deep to really analyze my own motives.  Do I have even an ounce of "the fear of man?"  I suppose that some of the finest souls who have ever lived, at one point or another, have struggled with the "fear of man.".  Moroni, the great Book of Mormon prophet, is an example;  He worried about what people would say or think of his weakness.  The Lord's gentle rebuke to this was, "Fools mock, but they shall mourn; and my grace is sufficient for the meek, that they shall take no advantage of your weakness" (Ether 12:26)  

"His grace is sufficient" means to me that I don't need anything else, I don't need to be accepted or understood, or "approved of" by anyone but Him.  Being Christ-Centered brings so much peace and allows living water to flow freely into my soul, to expand its depth and lose the risk of being unsustainable and shallow.  I'm so far from where I want to be but I take comfort the Lord knows my name, He knows my heart.... and that's all that really matters.

-Alicia

Just Another Way to Die

This is a quote my husband and I heard at Education Week a few days ago.  I think it goes just perfect with my little axiom, "There are a million ways to die but there's only one true way to live."

C.S. Lewis basically says the same thing but with even more clarity.  Things are unraveling at rapid speeds and it is essential that we get our houses, our lives, our relationships, and our faith in order. The important thing in this day of tribulation and trouble is not how we die but how we are found living our lives.  I love this!

"In one way we think a great deal too much of the atomic bomb. 'How are we to live in an atomic age?' I am tempted to reply: 'Why, as you would have lived in the sixteenth century when the plague visited London almost every year, or as you would have lived in a Viking age when raiders from Scandinavia might land and cut your throat any night; or indeed, as you are already living in an age of cancer, an age of syphilis, an age of paralysis, an age of air raids, an age of railway accidents, an age of motor accidents."

In other words, do not let us begin by exaggerating the novelty of our situation. Believe me, dear sir or madam, you and all whom you love were already sentenced to death before the atomic bomb was invented: and quite a high percentage of us were going to die in unpleasant ways. We had, indeed, one very great advantage over our ancestors - anaesthetics; but we have that still. It is perfectly ridiculous to go about whimpering and drawing long faces because the scientists have added one more chance of painful and premature death to a world which already bristled with such chances and in which death itself was not a chance at all, but a certainty.

This is the first point to be made: and the first action to be taken is to pull ourselves together. If we are all going to be destroyed by an atomic bomb, let that bomb when it comes find us doing sensible and human things - praying, working, teaching, reading, listening to music, bathing the children, playing tennis, chatting to our friends over a pint and a game of darts - not huddled together like frightened sheep and thinking about bombs. They may break our bodies (a microbe can do that) but they need not dominate our minds." - C.S. Lewis