Grace for Grace

"Dear Lord,

So far today, am I doing alright.

I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self-indulgent. I have not whined or complained.

But I will be getting out of bed in a minute, and I think that I will really need your help then."

- unknown

Many of life's solutions seem so much easier in words than the actual application.  I can start my day off with prayer and scriptures.  I can study the life of Christ and His teachings.  I can make resolutions for the day. And then some drama will unfold with the children, some conflict arises, or something won't work how it's expected too... and the real test of my character begins.    

You know those uncomfortable moments at the end of the day, where you review how you handled each situation and realize that you could have done better?  I consider those reflective moments to be a blessing, an opportunity to learn and try again.

I read in the New Testament this morning, "My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked of Him: For whom the Lord loveth, He chasteneth..." (Hebrews 12: 5,6)

The Lord knows we are going to stumble and fall, that we won't be the ideal father, the ideal mother, or the ideal anything.  He knows we won't be perfect.  And when we offend, when we mess up... we must be quick to apologize and set it right. It's the repentant soul who displays real faith and real courage.

Popular BYU Professor and LDS speaker--Brad Wilcox--said,

There should never be just two options: perfection or giving up. When learning the piano, are the only options performing at Carnegie Hall or quitting? No. Growth and development take time. Learning takes time. When we understand grace, we understand that God is long-suffering, that change is a process, and that repentance is a pattern in our lives. When we understand grace, we understand that the blessings of Christ’s Atonement are continuous and His strength is perfect in our weakness (see 2 Corinthians 12:9). When we understand grace, we can, as it says in the Doctrine and Covenants, “continue in patience until [we] are perfected” (D&C 67:13).

I'm also learning that the specific things we pray for can make a huge difference in how we handle each situation:

• I am discovering that it's better for me to seek for understanding rather than pray for patience.  When I understand the situation more or the intent of another, patience follows more naturally.

• I am discovering that it's better for me to offer prayers of gratitude rather than pray to have love for others.  When I'm filled with gratitude, love follows more naturally.

I'm grateful to know the Lord is all about second chances and new beginnings.  He delights to untangle the messes we find ourselves in and fill our souls with peace.  "Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby." - Hebrews 12:11

I pray your day is blessed with the unfailing grace and love extended to us through our Savior, that you feel peace... even in the middle of a storm, especially in the middle of a storm. Sail on.

-Alicia

"None Shall Slumber Nor Sleep"

Yesterday and the day before we did respite foster care.  So far, we've done respite  for eleven children total and this past weekend was our very first experience with a girl.  We watched her half-brother about a week ago and this past Friday and Saturday we watched both children.

These half siblings are several years apart. The girl is right between the ages of my two daughters and it was fun to see them both get along so well with her. Micah was thrilled to take care of the baby boy because he's always wanted a younger brother and these moments through foster care are his closest opportunity.  I was surprised by Chandler yesterday because he usually resists touching or interacting with small kids. I wish there was a way I could've captured the good solid half hour he spent gently holding the foster baby on his lap, feeding him Cheerios during the funeral we attended.

The foster girl was removed a couple years ago and her brother was removed only a couple months ago.  When they found the baby, the cops took a hair sample and discovered he tested positive for cocaine, meth, and marijuana.  He couldn't say any words and was terribly malnourished. During the first week his foster parents had him, he went through serious drug withdrawals and was extremely difficult to console.  It's amazing how much he has recovered in such a short amount of time.  Despite a few minor issues, he really seems like a normal happy baby.

Friday night at 1:00 A.M., I heard a timid little knock on our bedroom door.  I opened the door slowly to the foster girl standing there clenching a framed picture in her arms. "I can't sleep" she announced.
"Oh, honey, is there something bothering you?" I asked.
"I miss my mom." She sighed.
"I'm sure you do.  Is this her?" I asked, pointing to the small framed picture she was holding,
"Yeah, that's me and her before I was taken and put into foster care."
"Have you seen her recently?"
"No, not recently... the social workers keep trying to arrange a visit but they say my mom is too sick."
I didn't say anything.

(I haven't been a foster mom for long but I do know enough to understand what the social worker means when they say to a child, "Your mom is very sick right now."  It means that their mom is too high on drugs to be cognitively aware of her child even if they did arrange a visit.)

I walked the foster girl to the bathroom sink and asked if she wanted a cup of water. She gratefully accepted the offer.  I asked if there was any kind of toy or stuffed animal she brought that could help her sleep better.  She nodded and began sorting through her backpack. "I have this," she said pulling out a mouse-like stuffed animal.  "My mom gave it to me.  This and the picture is all I have to remind me of her. I sleep with them every night, even if the picture frame digs into my skin."
"Those two things must be so important to you," I said. "No wonder you want to hold on to them."

We sat down in the middle of the hallway and I listened to her tell me more sad stories; she told me about the time her beaded necklace broke at school - it was the necklace her mom had given her. She hid in the girl's bathroom and cried all day and no one could get her to come come out, not even her teacher.  "It was my only necklace from from my mom.  No one understood why I was crying so much about a bunch of beads.  I miss her so much."
My heart broke for this poor little girl. After time, I could see she was starting to get tired again and suggested she continue to talk to me while she was laying in bed.  She agreed and climbed back under the covers into the lower bunk with her arms still clinging tightly to her memories. She gazed at the mattress above  in a wishful state, "If I could... I would make my mom better so she wasn't sick anymore.  I'd give her all the medicine she needed to help her be well again."
"You are a very sweet girl," I assured her. "I bet you would do anything for your mother.... And you know what?"
"What?" she asked.
"I know there are many people who want to see your mom get better too."
She sighed deeply, "The judge is going to tell me soon if I can go back home with her.  If he says 'no' I'm going to be so upset.  I'm going to scream and scream and be very, very mad....
If he says 'yes' I'm going to give the judge  the biggest hug.  I'll be so happy."
She sighed again.
"This has got to be very difficult for you.  I can't imagine how hard it is."
"Yeah... it's hard." She confirmed.
She lay their a little longer, lost in her imagination, then quietly asked, "What time is it?"
I answered,"It was 1:00 when you knocked on my door."
"What time is it now?"
I peaked around the corner to the clock on the wall, "It's just after 1:30."
She folded her arms over the blankets and nestled her head deeper in the pillows, "I think I'm okay now."
"Are you sure? Do you need me to listen anymore?"
She thought for a moment, "No, I'm okay now.  You can go back to bed."
"Alright, sweetheart.  Do you want me to leave the bathroom light on so it's not so dark?"
"Yes, thank you," she replied and drifted back to sleep.

The next few hours of the night were intervals of  the baby waking and crying.  He seemed to only be soothed if I stood and swayed with him in my arms. Around 4:00 his sister knocked on my door again, she was concerned about her brother.  She suggested he needed a snack and I thanked her for the advice. "Just a tip." she smiled and turned cheerfully back to bed.
"What a good big sister," I thought.
I didn't get him a snack but continued to sway him until he fell asleep in my arms.

It's been a long time since I had a night where my sleep was interrupted that much. I question sometimes what on earth I am doing, throwing myself into this new life of foster care.  I wonder about my capabilities to handle the mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual pressure it will be on me and my family. Yet, despite all my self-doubts, despite all my fears... I can't help but feel this intense pull, this deep desire somehow grow increasingly to keep going, to continue on in this rescue effort.

It's amazing to me how important biological parents are to children - no matter how good or bad, involved or absent they are.  The child wants the mom and dad they are genetically tied to more than anyone else in this world.  Sure, other people can become very important parent-figures and do great things in their life but no one will ever mean as much or fill the hole that only a biological parent can fill.

My vision is changing and my eyes are opening to a world that was invisible before.  There are five regions of foster care in the State of Utah and over 600 children in just our foster region alone. That's a ton when you realize that each of these kids have to come from extremely critical and dangerous circumstances in order to "qualify" for removal.  I can't turn them away from my home, I just can't!! Not after what I've experienced so far... and what I've experienced is only a tiny fraction.  This is going to be very hard work. I pray I can measure up to the task. I pray for strength beyond my own.

-Alicia

Somewhere Safe - Ponderize - Week 37

...but there is somewhere safe.

How bad off are we as a country when a seven-year-old can't go to sleep because she is fearful of the choices we have for a Presidential Candidate?  Maybe it just means that we as parents need to be a little more cautious in our conversations or at least tone them down a bit.  Honestly, I didn't think we really said that much around her but it's amazing how much kids pay attention.

Kaylee timidly peered down the hallway with tears streaming down her face.  Joseph tucked her back in bed and sat patiently by her side listening to her express her concerns, 

"Can't we just move out of the country?" Kaylee asked between sobs.

Lovingly, Joseph responded, "Sweetheart, it's not that easy, I wish it was.  If America goes bad there's really not a lot of options left.  But, I can tell you that the safest place to live is always within reach.  Do you know where the safest place is?"

"Where?" She inquired with a feeling of hope.

Joseph pointed to her, "It's right where you are."

Kaylee looked confused.

Joseph explained, "It's right where you are because you have faith, you love Heavenly Father, and you have a righteous heart.  No matter where we live or what goes on around us, you can always be safe because you are 'armed with righteousness'". Then gently stroking her hair,  he reminded her of the story of Elisha in 2 Kings.
Kaylee's body relaxed and she was comforted to have her father at her side and to hear his testimony.

Joseph returned from helping her and relayed their conversation.  We discussed together our own views of the times in which we live for a while.  He shared with me a verse he's been focusing on in his studies and decided it would be a good one to ponder for the week.

"I Nephi, beheld the power of the Lamb of God, that it descended upon the saints of the church of the Lamb, and upon the covenant people of the Lord, who were scattered upon all the face of the earth; and they were armed with righteousness and with the power of God in great glory." - 1 Nephi 14:14

I love how Nephi beheld that they were scattered all throughout the earth.  There was no particular safe area or land but the power of God was found in the hearts of the covenant keeping people of the Lord wherever they were.  No, we can't run away from trouble but we can find peace and comfort in the middle of it all.

-Alicia :)

A Marvelous Father

Yesterday, I had the privilege of attending the homecoming of my nephew, Dane.  What a solid, good, and pure young man!  I'm so incredibly proud of him.  He's such a naturally righteous soul: timid like a lamb on the outside but roaring like a lion with bold testimony on the inside.  Once, I asked his mother the secret to raising such an amazing kid.  She shook her head at me with surprise, "Alicia, you have no idea... honestly, he came that way.  He is unlike any other, I've never had a child so naturally obedient." I thought to myself, "She's been blessed with a 'Nephi.'"

The messages in Sacrament meeting yesterday were beautiful; centered on charity, the pure love of Christ.  Then Nephi... I mean Dane, concluded his testimony of miracles and angels (both seen and unseen.) I smiled.

In Sunday school we discussed 1 Nephi 8 and the Tree of Life and in Relief Society we learned about the Kingdom of God established on earth as it is in Heaven.  

I took mental note of the talk referenced in Sunday school by Robert D. Hales entitled, "With all the Feeling of a Tender Parent." Still thinking of my sister-in-law's comment and the varying dispositions of our children... what about Lehi's children?  What a contrast between Nephi and his brothers! How much did this affect the emotions of their father?

• "The hymn often sung by our pioneer ancestors tells us what to do: “Gird up your loins; fresh courage take. / Our God will never us forsake.”  That courage and faith is what we need as parents and families in these latter days.
• Father Lehi had such courage. He loved his family and rejoiced that some of his children kept the Lord’s commandments. But he must have been heartbroken when his sons “Laman and Lemuel partook not of the fruit” representing the love of God. “He exceedingly feared for [them]; yea, he feared lest they should be cast off from the presence of the Lord.” - Elder Robert D. Hales

Lehi was an incredible father; devoted, loving, and true to the Faith!! Some of his children chose to follow his counsel and others refused.  In all of his ups and downs, joys and heartache... I can't help but wonder if he ever just needed some affirmation for his valiant efforts, some reassurance that he was a good father, a marvelous father, regardless of the choices his children were making. (If he lived down the street from me, I'd take a moment to tell him that.) ;)

• "Our worthiness will not be measured according to their righteousness. Lehi did not lose the blessing of feasting at the tree of life because Laman and Lemuel refused to partake of its fruit. Sometimes as parents we feel we have failed when our children make mistakes or stray. Parents are never failures when they do their best to love, teach, pray, and care for their children. Their faith, prayers, and efforts will be consecrated to the good of their children. "  - Elder Robert D. Hales

Also, if  Lehi were my neighbor, I think I'd encourage him with this too;

• "Remember, remember all the days of your [fatherhood]: 'Ye have not come thus far save it were by the word of Christ with unshaken faith in him, relying wholly upon the merits of him who is mighty to save.'
• Rely on Him. Rely on Him heavily. Rely on Him forever. And 'press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope.'  You are doing God’s work. You are doing it wonderfully well. He is blessing you and He will bless you, even—no, especially—when your days and your nights may be the most challenging." - Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

I offer my prayers for all those parents who strive so diligently to keep that brightness of hope alive in the midst of storms and pending gloom.  Keep shining!  Your light is seen by many and it warms their hearts... God will bless you for keeping that fire burning in your soul! It's beautiful!

-Alicia ;) 

Into the Unknown

My second pregnancy was a difficult one.  During my third trimester I was bed-ridden with preeclampsia.  Labor was awful, my body went into shock, my placenta wouldn't deliver, and my blood pressure was on the verge of triggering seizures. I don't remember much from that morning, by the time the Dr. bundled Miriam up and placed her in my arms, I was unconscious.  A few months after her birth I kept having dizzy spells and passed out on one occasion but it wasn't related to the preeclampsia.  Turns out it was because my iron levels were extremely low and I had Anemia.  Just a few months after the birth of my second daughter, Kaylee, I had the same symptoms of Anemia but this time the Dr. said I had way too much iron in my blood. He said he had ruled out the possibility of Hemochromatosis. (A was a mouthful of a word I had never heard before.)

He informed me, "Alicia, the average female has a ferritin level of 12-150 ng/mL.  Your blood is showing levels of nearly 1,000 ng/mL.  We've already ruled out one thing but high ferritin could also be an indication of disease, this is why we often see such levels increase in the elderly.  But since you're still so young we will need to run some more tests."

The Dr.'s words frightened me.  He told me they needed to rule out fatal diseases like Cancer or Lupus.  I drove home that day imagining myself battling with either one of these and I just couldn't wrap my brain around it.  Never before had life seemed so fragile, it felt surreal.  For the next several months I went back and forth to the Hematologist to have my blood drawn.  I was relieved when the test results for both these diseases came back negative.  The Dr. was still scratching his head at why my iron level was so high. Disease or no disease, such levels were toxic and he suggested a series of phlebotomy treatments to lower it.  I wasn't sure how well I would handle regular "draining" because of my small frame, I've never been a good candidate for giving blood.  Gratefully, I didn't need to go through with it because the levels of ferritin began to decrease on their own. My health soon returned  after those few months and everything was back to normal.

I am certain that this unsolved mystery alone was one of the fears keeping my husband from wanting to have more children, not to mention his fear of providing financially, and his fear of his own emotional stability.  Around the time my youngest turned three, I begged Joseph for another child.  I fasted and prayed, I felt good about it.  I tried to persuade him that if the Lord intended for us to have more children, that everything would be okay, things would work out, and we would be fine.  He was in such a depressed state and with despondency he answered, "Honey let's not talk about it anymore.  Let's not pray about it, or fast about it.  I think we're done."  So, I never bothered him about it again.  It was incredibly heartbreaking for me.  But I moved on and began to prepare myself for the "next phase" of our life.  I sold our crib, got rid of strollers, and car seats.  The huge bag full of maternity clothes I had been hanging on to was finally taken to the thrift store.

Seven-and-a-half years have passed since my youngest was born.  I'm a student now at BYU and have accepted this as part of my "new phase" of life.  Imagine my surprise when a month ago, my husband approached me and expressed his desire to have another baby.  My jaw dropped to the floor.  I should have been excited about this but my emotions were very mixed.  Of course I would love another child but the idea had been packed away for so long, it took me a moment to process.
 "Are you serious?" I asked him.  "Are you sure this isn't a 'bi-polar high' and next week you're going to dip down and be deeply opposed?"
"No, I'm serious...  But I understand if you don't want to now because it's been so long.  I just don't want my depression to be the thing that is stopping us from doing the Lord's will.  I would hate to live with that all of my life, knowing that my fear was keeping us back from having more children."

For weeks now my mind has been caught up in a whirlwind.  The thought of carrying and holding another infant in my arms feels me with a flood of emotion.  Every baby I see at church, at the store or with my husband's family seems to be a reflection of a future child and my eyes well up with tears.  I envision my other kids affectionately doting over and loving on a new little one like proud parents.  I imagine what wonderful experiences they would have caring for a baby.  Memories play like choirs of angels in my mind as I recall the magic of when each of their soft tiny bodies laid on my chest, their sweet breath touched my face, and I smothered every little part of them with kisses.

Then a little bit of fear creeps in...  I begin to think of my education and how I will manage to fulfill both dreams. I begin to worry about the mystery of my own health and what it could mean.

It has been said that courage is not the absence of fear but the faith and power to step forward in spite of it.

It truly is a miracle that my husband is wanting another baby.  Now, I can't be the one to let this pass. I don't need to give up my dream of BYU or stop taking classes in order to have another child and I don't feel like I need to let health issues prevent me either. (As far as I know, my body is currently strong.)  I find courage in stories of other women who have completed their schooling while still bearing children. If I didn't know of their success, I'm not sure if I would dare so much to keep going but they inspire me to step into this unknown world; brave, bold, and full of faith. So... I'm running with this.  I'm leaving it all in God's hands.  It is up to Him.
If the Lord sees fit to bless me with more children....  then hallelujah!
I'll be ready for the change.  Everything will work out.  It always does.

"Take me to the magic of the moment

On a glory night

Where the children of tomorrow dream away

in the wind of change." 

- Scorpions

-Alicia

Champion Each Other

Not long ago, I overheard a woman just tear into her husband, ripping him with criticism up one side and down the other.  Her nagging and griping seemed endless as she picked and prodded at every possible flaw.  My heart sank as I noticed the look of dejection in her husband's face.  He seemed heavy with sorrow as he hung his head shamefully and spoke not a word in his defense.  I've seen this same scenario played out in the opposite direction as well where the husband jabs at his wife with stabbing insults or cutting and belittling remarks.  How sad! How terribly, terribly sad!  

Now, I won't pretend that my marriage is perfect but I must say that I feel so incredibly fortunate that the communication we have as husband and wife has never been at such a base and ugly level.  In my opinion, this form of talk is abusive.  

Several years ago, my husband and I wrote up a family mission statement together.  We recite it every Monday with our children.  Part of this statement says,

"We are a family of sincere listeners who champion each other.  We strive to build an environment in our home and in our hearts where the Spirit of God may dwell.  We choose to find the good in others and in ourselves, remembering always 'the worth of souls is great in the sight of God'" (D&C 18:10)

In addition to this, whenever I or he has an opportunity to pray in family prayer or in our companion prayers, we always make it a point to openly express gratitude for the other, thanking our Father in Heaven for all they do and asking that the Lord will bless them in all they are in need of.

I've been studying and reviewing General Conference this morning and the talk by Linda K. Burton caused me to reflect on the depressing scene I witnessed not long ago.  Not only should we avoid such corrosive and biting words but we should seek a higher ground. We must constantly to seek to say things and act on opportunities that build and lift our spouse. We must practice this until it becomes second nature. 

 In her talk "We'll Ascend Together" Sister Burton asks the following questions:

"Sisters and brothers, how often do we intentionally “speak kind words to each other”?

We might test ourselves by asking a few questions. With a little adaptation, these questions can apply to most of us, whether we are married or single, whatever our home situation might be.

1. When was the last time I sincerely praised my companion, either alone or in the presence of our children?

2. When was the last time I thanked, expressed love for, or earnestly pleaded in faith for him or her in prayer?

3. When was the last time I stopped myself from saying something I knew could be hurtful?

4. When was the last time I apologized and humbly asked for forgiveness—without adding the words “but if only you had” or “but if only you hadn’t”?

5. When was the last time I chose to be happy rather than demanding to be “right”?"

I give my witness that great and marvelous things result in our homes when we strive to build and lift each other, when we strive to focus on the good.  There is no such thing as a kind word wasted.  We will never regret being too forgiving, too loving, too appreciative, or too gentle but we will always regret the absence of such virtues.

-Alicia

A Righteous Patriarch

"By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families." - The Family: A Proclamation to the World

Somewhere between 1969 and 1970 my father-in-law was assigned to work artillery in Vietnam.  He left behind his wife and baby to fulfill his military duty.  One night while sleeping in his cot, he was awakened by a powerful impression to "get out of bed."  He sat straight up and then wondered what on earth he was doing. He shook his head and began to lay back down.  But before he could, the impression came again;  This time it seemed as if it was almost shouting for him to not just sit up but to GET OUT of his bed. Immediately he jumped out of his cot and fell to his knees at his bedside.  No sooner than he did so, a chunk of shrapnel, the size of a tennis ball, came blazing through the tent roof, right through the center of his cot and embedded itself inches into the ground below.  Had he not moved when he did, no doubt he would have been killed.

Just over three years after that experience (now the father of four), my father-in-law had the impression to finish his schooling in Wales and become a professional genealogist.  Much of his ancestry was in Wales and it would be a perfect opportunity for study.  He knew the Lord was giving him specific direction in his life, so he and his wife packed everything up along with their four kids and bought six one-way tickets to another country... even though he had not been accepted to the school yet.  How could he have followed an impression to pack up like that not even knowing if the University was going to take him?  It was pure, absolute faith. The day before the flight was scheduled to take off, his acceptance letter for the school in Wales finally came in the mail.

Conditions were difficult in that foreign place.  The little house they moved into didn't have heating or a refrigerator.  Winters were rough.  My mother-in-law had to walk to the markets to buy fresh food every-day with all her little ones in toe.  She bore two more little ones while living in that country (my husband being one of them) and when my father-in-law finished his schooling they returned to the United States with six children.

It took incredible faith and courage for both of my husband's parents to do what they did.

Living by the Spirit and acting on faith is a defining characteristic of my father-in-law. He studies the scriptures deeply, he seeks for guidance prayerfully, he listens and then he acts!  No fear! I love and admire him with all of my heart.

Ever since I joined this family he has treated me like one of his daughters. (He has seven girls and two boys.)  I was his only daughter-in-law for over ten years but you'd never guess I was part of his family by marriage alone.  By the way he treats me, you'd think I was one of his very own girls.  I absolutely adore him!

I've been so impressed at how he has righteously presided over his household through the years. And even though his children are grown and gone, living in different states, he almost annually gathers us all together to teach us.  He expounds from the scriptures and the words of the living prophets and bears personal testimony.  He desires to prepare us for the things which are to come in these last days.

This first week of July was a reunion week for my husband's family.  We played on wave-runners at the lake, zip-lined in Park City, made up family skits and entertained one another on a stage in the canyons. The kids had cousin sleep-overs every-single night.  It's was exhausting but totally awesome!  I've never witnessed a family so tightly knit, especially one this large.  I thoroughly enjoy my husband's reunions! The highlight of this one for me was a very special gathering with my father-in-law, his kids, and the in-laws.  We had almost all 18 of us children there as we listened to his counsel.  He spoke for over an hour teaching, expounding scripture, and sharing his testimony.

My father-in-law feels as if this fall we will witness things unravel for good and ill in astonishing ways and he has felt an urgency to prepare his family. With the way he has learned to live by the Spirit, I believe him.  As a family, we counseled about a couple of the missing siblings who have denied the faith and decided to have a special fast together on their behalf.  We also prayed for special blessings to be bestowed upon each of our own families, our marriages, and our children.  We ended the evening opening our fast with this wonderful family prayer. The feeling was amazing as we all knelt together in the small little church room of my in-law's ward building.  Tears were streaming down each of our faces and we all took turns embracing and expressing gratitude for one another.

I wish every family could have a father like my husband's.  He truly "presides in love and righteousness!"  He's deeply humble and completely unassuming (two attributes I treasure in both him and my husband.)  I feel so blessed to be a part of his family!

-Alicia