Into the Unknown

My second pregnancy was a difficult one.  During my third trimester I was bed-ridden with preeclampsia.  Labor was awful, my body went into shock, my placenta wouldn't deliver, and my blood pressure was on the verge of triggering seizures. I don't remember much from that morning, by the time the Dr. bundled Miriam up and placed her in my arms, I was unconscious.  A few months after her birth I kept having dizzy spells and passed out on one occasion but it wasn't related to the preeclampsia.  Turns out it was because my iron levels were extremely low and I had Anemia.  Just a few months after the birth of my second daughter, Kaylee, I had the same symptoms of Anemia but this time the Dr. said I had way too much iron in my blood. He said he had ruled out the possibility of Hemochromatosis. (A was a mouthful of a word I had never heard before.)

He informed me, "Alicia, the average female has a ferritin level of 12-150 ng/mL.  Your blood is showing levels of nearly 1,000 ng/mL.  We've already ruled out one thing but high ferritin could also be an indication of disease, this is why we often see such levels increase in the elderly.  But since you're still so young we will need to run some more tests."

The Dr.'s words frightened me.  He told me they needed to rule out fatal diseases like Cancer or Lupus.  I drove home that day imagining myself battling with either one of these and I just couldn't wrap my brain around it.  Never before had life seemed so fragile, it felt surreal.  For the next several months I went back and forth to the Hematologist to have my blood drawn.  I was relieved when the test results for both these diseases came back negative.  The Dr. was still scratching his head at why my iron level was so high. Disease or no disease, such levels were toxic and he suggested a series of phlebotomy treatments to lower it.  I wasn't sure how well I would handle regular "draining" because of my small frame, I've never been a good candidate for giving blood.  Gratefully, I didn't need to go through with it because the levels of ferritin began to decrease on their own. My health soon returned  after those few months and everything was back to normal.

I am certain that this unsolved mystery alone was one of the fears keeping my husband from wanting to have more children, not to mention his fear of providing financially, and his fear of his own emotional stability.  Around the time my youngest turned three, I begged Joseph for another child.  I fasted and prayed, I felt good about it.  I tried to persuade him that if the Lord intended for us to have more children, that everything would be okay, things would work out, and we would be fine.  He was in such a depressed state and with despondency he answered, "Honey let's not talk about it anymore.  Let's not pray about it, or fast about it.  I think we're done."  So, I never bothered him about it again.  It was incredibly heartbreaking for me.  But I moved on and began to prepare myself for the "next phase" of our life.  I sold our crib, got rid of strollers, and car seats.  The huge bag full of maternity clothes I had been hanging on to was finally taken to the thrift store.

Seven-and-a-half years have passed since my youngest was born.  I'm a student now at BYU and have accepted this as part of my "new phase" of life.  Imagine my surprise when a month ago, my husband approached me and expressed his desire to have another baby.  My jaw dropped to the floor.  I should have been excited about this but my emotions were very mixed.  Of course I would love another child but the idea had been packed away for so long, it took me a moment to process.
 "Are you serious?" I asked him.  "Are you sure this isn't a 'bi-polar high' and next week you're going to dip down and be deeply opposed?"
"No, I'm serious...  But I understand if you don't want to now because it's been so long.  I just don't want my depression to be the thing that is stopping us from doing the Lord's will.  I would hate to live with that all of my life, knowing that my fear was keeping us back from having more children."

For weeks now my mind has been caught up in a whirlwind.  The thought of carrying and holding another infant in my arms feels me with a flood of emotion.  Every baby I see at church, at the store or with my husband's family seems to be a reflection of a future child and my eyes well up with tears.  I envision my other kids affectionately doting over and loving on a new little one like proud parents.  I imagine what wonderful experiences they would have caring for a baby.  Memories play like choirs of angels in my mind as I recall the magic of when each of their soft tiny bodies laid on my chest, their sweet breath touched my face, and I smothered every little part of them with kisses.

Then a little bit of fear creeps in...  I begin to think of my education and how I will manage to fulfill both dreams. I begin to worry about the mystery of my own health and what it could mean.

It has been said that courage is not the absence of fear but the faith and power to step forward in spite of it.

It truly is a miracle that my husband is wanting another baby.  Now, I can't be the one to let this pass. I don't need to give up my dream of BYU or stop taking classes in order to have another child and I don't feel like I need to let health issues prevent me either. (As far as I know, my body is currently strong.)  I find courage in stories of other women who have completed their schooling while still bearing children. If I didn't know of their success, I'm not sure if I would dare so much to keep going but they inspire me to step into this unknown world; brave, bold, and full of faith. So... I'm running with this.  I'm leaving it all in God's hands.  It is up to Him.
If the Lord sees fit to bless me with more children....  then hallelujah!
I'll be ready for the change.  Everything will work out.  It always does.

"Take me to the magic of the moment

On a glory night

Where the children of tomorrow dream away

in the wind of change." 

- Scorpions

-Alicia