How's It Going to End?

Everyday life rarely turns out how we expect it to. With all our planning and organizing, something usually happens that wasn't planned, something that blindsided us or took us completely by surprise. They can happen in a split-second or can be gradual.

Just look over the last twenty years of your life and look at where you are now. What percentage of the events through that time period fell in line exactly how you imagined they would?
What did you do with those unexpected twists and turns?
Did you grow from them, learn from them?
How did they shape your life into what it is today?

If you had the power to do so and with the perspective you have now, would you go back in time and change those unexpected events so that things worked out more according to your imagination? Why or why not?

What choices mattered most and what has turned out to not matter at all?

Sometimes, I like to imagine myself twenty years into the future asking my present self these same questions. It helps me to put things into perspective.

Life can turn on a dime. There are really few things within our control from day to day but those few things within our control are so incredibly valuable and powerful! We can ask ourselves...
What will I choose to occupy my thoughts?
How will I choose to extend my love?
What can I do to make the most of the time I have in this very moment?

Neal A. Maxwell once said, "Life’s necessary defining moments come within our allotments, and we make 'on the record' choices within these allotments. Our responses are what matter. Sufficient unto each life are the tests thereof!"- Content with the Things Allotted unto Us (see  Matt. 6:34)

Even with all the unexpected events we will inevitably face, we still have a great deal of control with how it all will end. Even without knowing the details, our hearts can be full of hope for the future.

"The joy we experience in this life will be in direct proportion to how well our lives are centered on the teachings, example, and atoning sacrifice of Jesus Christ." -By Elder Richard J. Maynes
Of the Presidency of the Seventy

Seeking to Learn

I've really enjoyed Education Week so far! Joseph, Chandler, Miriam, and I have all been going to the evening classes. Two of my classes are on improving marriage.

Some of my biggest take-away's from the marriage classes have been my need to purposefully and deliberately choose a more positive vocabulary. When expressing desires or emotions with Joseph and the kids, I know that I set the tone quite often in my home... It's good for me to evaluate if my conversations are centered on complaining or complimenting. I think by praying daily for the ability to recognize the law of the harvest in my home, I will more consciously sow positive expressions and sincere praise.

Because life rarely goes how we expect it to, it can be easy to feel a little jaded. This is where I think faith comes in. Don't expect so much -be more grateful for small things. It takes faith to keep putting forth effort, time, energy, and positive reinforcements into our most vital relationships -  It takes faith because we rarely see the results right away. But no kind words, no thoughtful gesture, no act of self-less service, no time set aside for our spouse or our children is ever wasted!

I enjoyed a youth class with my kids the other evening about trials. The speaker cited from the lives of some ancient and modern day prophets who went through severe trials. He drew our attention to how their lives unfolded in the end and that it was the very hardships and struggles that shaped and molded them into the inspirational characters of history we revere.

I found a verse in my scripture study today that goes well with these thoughts on trials:

"The Lord God caused that there should be a furious wind blow upon the face of the waters, towards the promised land; and thus they were tossed upon the waves of the sea before the wind.... And it came to pass that the wind did never cease to blow towards the promised land while they were upon the waters; and thus they were driven forth before the wind, and they did sing praises unto the Lord" - Ether 6:5,8,9

I'm sure the wind and waves made the Jaredites very sick and frustrated multiple times on their journey across the ocean...  but it was those very two elements that God used to get them to the promised land. I'm sure in the end, they were praising the Lord for the wind and waves. This gives me hope.

-Alicia

"Love, is what you go through together."

8/19/17

We didn't quite make it to the summit by sunrise but we were close, very close! We started a little after 3 a.m. and arrived to the very top of Timp around 7:30 am.  Joseph brought his camera and tried several times along the way to get a clear picture of the waning crescent moon with Venus dangling above it. This one turned out pretty cool! And to think, in just two days, that moon would be covering the Sun in a total eclipse!!

Everything with the hike up went smoothly. We stayed at the summit for almost an hour, basking in the golden rays of morning light. It was magical!

On the way down however, only a few yards into the decent, Joseph's left knee locked up and he couldn't move his leg. He was in terrible pain!

Just past the glacier, I ran ahead down the trail another mile to some hikers who were from our ward. They supplied me with extra food and water.  And because I didn't have a cell phone, they also said when they got back home, they would swing over to our place to relay to our children why we were delayed.  I could finally relax knowing that we now had plenty of water and knowing the kids were aware that we would be several hours late.  

I ran back up to where Joseph was. He hobbled and groaned as he continued to inch his way. 

"Take your time," I said. My words weren't the most reassuring because he wanted to be through hiking right then and there, he didn't want to take his time!

I walked slowly along his side and tried to keep him company. My attempts at humor to lighten the mood were just plain dumb. At least he cracked a couple smiles. I wished I had been strong enough to carry him. Every step shot a burning pain into his knee which began to spread into his hip and lower back.  What took us four-and-a-half hours to hike up, took us almost seven hours to hike down!

I don't think it was a completely terrible experience hiking back because some great lessons in marriage came to my mind as we walked the descending trail side-by-side: The importance of patience, of taking life one step at a time, of staying together, of encouraging and nourishing each other through thick and thin. 

We rested at the waterfall just above where Joseph proposed to me 18 years ago. The mist was refreshing.  I wasn't bothered at all with how long everything was taking. I was grateful just to be with him.
It reminded me of the quote by James Thurber, "Love, is what you go through together."  :)

Always and Forever,

 - Alicia

Stand By You - Rachel Platten

"Hands, put your empty hands in mine
And scars—show me all the scars you hide
And hey, if your wings are broken
Please take mine so yours can open, too
'Cause I'm gonna stand by you

Oh, tears make kaleidoscopes in your eyes
And hurt, I know you're hurting, but so am I
And, love, if your wings are broken
Borrow mine 'til yours can open, too
'Cause I'm gonna stand by you...

...You're all I never knew I needed
And the heart—sometimes it's unclear why it's beating
And, love, if your wings are broken
We can brave through those emotions, too
'Cause I'm gonna stand by you

Oh, truth—I guess truth is what you believe in
And faith—I think faith is having a reason
And I know now, love, if your wings are broken
Borrow mine 'til yours can open, too
'Cause I'm gonna stand by you...

...I'll be your eyes 'til yours can shine
And I'll be your arms, I'll be your steady satellite
And when you can't rise, well, I'll crawl with you on hands and knees
'Cause I... I'm gonna stand by you

Even if we're breaking down, we can find a way to break through
Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through Hell with you
Love, you're not alone, 'cause I'm gonna stand by you
Even if we can't find heaven, I'm gonna stand by you
Even if we can't find heaven, I'll walk through Hell with you
Love, you're not alone, 'cause I'm gonna stand by you"

A Little About Life and Love

Tuesday's with Morrie came out almost twenty years ago but I never saw it until last night. Checking out DVD's from the library usually means extremely thin pickings--it's hard to find anything worth while. I almost went home with nothing in my hands until I found this one and decided to give it a shot.

When my husband saw the cover of the DVD, he looked terribly disappointed, smirking at the picture of an old man in a wheelchair, "Really, this is what you want to watch?"

I responded, "Honey, that's Jack Lemmon! Don't you know him? Have you ever seen The Days of Wine and Roses or The Odd Couple?  He's an incredible actor!" 

 I knew none of that mattered to Joseph--he's always in the mood for big action-packed movies. This well... this was a far cry from action... and maybe a little too close to cry.  Even still, he ended up watching and really enjoyed it. Of course I loved it! I'm admittedly a sucker for deep movies, the kind of movies that enlighten my mind or expand my heart--anything with a nice moral to it. 

Tuesday's with Morrie had so many wonderful lines about life and love, purpose and dying, I had to take notes. Here's a few of my favorite quotes:

 "All I have is a voice - to undo the folded lie - the lie of authority - whose buildings grope the sky. No one exists alone. Hunger allows no choice to the citizen or police. We must love one another... or die." - W.H. Auden

"When we're infants, we need others to survive. When we're dying, we need others to survive. But here's the secret. In between, we need others even more." -Morrie

"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in." -Morrie

"My father was afraid of love. He couldn't give it and he couldn't receive it either. Maybe that's worse...  Not letting ourselves be loved because we're too afraid of giving ourselves to someone we might lose."-Morrie

"Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them, too - even when you're in the dark. Even when you're falling."-Morrie

"If we accept the fact that we can die at anytime we lead our lives differently." -Morrie

"When you learn how to die, you learn how to live."-Morrie

-Alicia

All About Learning

Joseph took work off today so we could enjoy a nice morning hike together. He's been so good about making sure we have time alone. Our dates are more frequent and consistent than ever and I love it! I think Joseph has felt more protective of me because of all we are experiencing with foster care. He's anxious to make sure I'm holding up okay.  It's very sweet of him.

It's been great to see how my kids protectively look out for me too. I have one class this semester at BYU. It has been pretty easy because it's a religion class and I use part of my scripture study time in the early morning to do my reading assignments which works out well because they're assigned from the scriptures. The exams are a little tough though. Last night, I had to study for one but couldn't really get to it until late in the evening. When I finally made it into my room to study, my foster daughter kept screaming for me. I could hear Miriam outside my bedroom door patiently working with her and helping her understand that I couldn't come out of my room. Miriam really is a miracle-worker when it comes to children.

Chandler also tried to help give me the space I needed to study. When he heard our foster daughter screaming for me again, he bounded up the stairs with a growl to "stop her"... which resulted in Miriam, Joseph, Micah, and Kaylee all dog-piling Chandler to "protect" our foster daughter. Ha ha! Despite that bit of drama, I really do appreciate Chandler's heart in it.  He really does look out for me.

It has been amazing to watch my children in this huge life-change for them and I've been so pleased to see them adjust as well as they have.  I think Micah and Kaylee have dealt with the most. They both have demonstrated incredible compassion, making room, giving time, teaching patiently, and sharing. I worry though... because I think some damage has been done to Kaylee emotionally so we've made an effort to get her therapy from a Dr. who specializes with foster families.

As hard as it has been, I must say that our foster kids have shown huge positive changes from when they first moved in with us. They are learning what it means to have boundaries, personal space, and healthy communication. They are learning responsibilities, learning to work, learning to play, learning to be creative, and use their imaginations. They are learning how a mom and a dad should treat each other. They are learning what it's like to have a book read to them, to have positive physical affection, and to feel safe at night.

We're all learning so much. I've said it before and I'll say it again:

Show me a person who has innumerable followers, popularity, high accolades, degrees and doctorates, scholarly knowledge, who has read all the books and passed all the tests but who has never learned to care for their family, never learned to be civil in conversation, never learned to recognize and act upon the Spirit, never learned to reach beyond their obsession of self to sincerely love their neighbor, who has never learned to truly love and truly serve - and you've shown me a fool, indeed.

I truly believe that best kind of education is found in meaningful relationships, it is found in learning to love, to step outside our self in the most exhausting and difficult circumstances.

-Alicia

Action Items

“I find that when I get casual in my relationships with divinity and when it seems that no divine ear is listening and no divine voice is speaking, that I am far, far away. If I immerse myself in the scriptures the distance narrows and the spirituality returns. I find myself loving more intensely those whom I must love with all my heart and mind and strength, and loving them more, I find it easier to abide their counsel.” 

- Spencer W. Kimball

Reflecting on  General Conference today and yesterday, this is a quote that keeps coming to my mind.  It seemed that most of the talks were centered on or frequently mentioned the importance of daily personal scripture study.

My husband has always been a great example to me of one who diligently studies the scriptures.  Lately, he's been taking to heart Elder Nelson's counsel to study scriptures focused on Jesus Christ daily.  As a result, he's been listening to the four gospels at work every day for the past several weeks.

I feel like I really could use some improvement in my personal prayers and scripture study, Though I don't think my problem is being casual. Scripture study and prayer are just part of my regular daily routine.  But I feel as if I've been more blank, less feeling, with little to no absorption in my study lately,  I've had more days than usual where I've felt depressed too so maybe that's part of it.  I don't feel like I'm the same person I was six months ago.  I feel like my experiences being a foster mom have been like a bomb dropped on me and I'm still reeling from the shock.

There's so much I need to improve on.  Foster care is extremely humbling.  Speaking of foster care... Another thing that stood out to me in conference today was when S. Mark Palmer said, "those who are the hardest to love are the ones who need love the most." This is my earnest prayer: to love when I don't feel like loving, to give when I don't feel like giving, to sacrifice when I have nothing left in me to sacrifice.

I'm so grateful for a wonderful conference weekend. And I'm grateful for every new day to keep trying and keep practicing. God is good.

-Alicia

Red Hot Chili Peppers

It was one of those family home evening lessons desperately thrown together at the extreme last second. (Most of my FHE lessons are like that.) I actually had the idea ten minutes before 6pm last night while racing through Rancho Market's produce section, grabbing ingredients for my other "desperately thrown together" dinner--fajitas. I saw the cute little tiny orange habenero peppers and thought, "How perfect!" I bought one.  It was all I needed.

No, I didn't put the habenero into the fajitas. My plan was to use it for an object lesson about James3:6, "The tongue is a fire..."  (You can see where I'm going with this.)

We read the scripture and watched two videos that had to do with fire: One where the fire was terribly destructive and out of control and the other, a nice cozy hearth with warm glowing flames safely in a fireplace. We asked the kids to tell us why James would describe the tongue as a fire and they all gave some great answers.

Then came the best part... I pulled the habenero out of a bag and challenged the kids to eat pieces of it. (Now, I can handle pretty spicy stuff but even I didn't realize how hot this little guy was going to be.)  Kaylee thought it was one of those mini bell peppers that are often served with veggie trays and wanted to eat the entire thing. I still only gave her a small piece and she quickly ate it. A split-second later, all of the kids were in the kitchen screaming and downing gallons of water... (um... something that should never be done after eating a pepper that hot).

The screaming grew louder and more panicked as the kids couldn't figure out how to stop the burning. Kaylee was completely hysterical and could hardly stand on two feet as she withered and writhed dramatically on the floor in agony, cursing me for what I had done.  I seriously didn't think it would be so bad.

I began passing out coconut oil for the outsides of their faces and bowls of ice cream to sooth their tongues. They all got double servings of ice cream, which I felt was a plus.  The bonus dessert didn't matter in their eyes. No amount of refreshments would stop them from feeling betrayed.

To make matters worse, I couldn't stop laughing.  And when they had all finally settled down, I remarked, "At least one thing is for certain.  You'll never forget this FHE lesson!" They all smiled with agreement.

This little experience only reaffirms in my mind that some of the best things in life are unplanned, desperately thrown together, and completely last minute.

-Alicia
Hey oh!

Seven "Take-Aways" From Groundhog Day

Every February 2nd we watch the movie Groundhog Day.  My husband and I love the messages from it.  These are seven things we've learned:


1. The worst kind of ruts to be stuck in are the deep repugnant trenches of self-centeredness and ego.

2. Nobody misses a jerk.
     "The wretch, concentered all in self,
       Living, shall forfeit fair renown,
      And, doubly dying, shall go down
      To the vile dust, from whence he sprung,
      Unwept, unhonored, and unsung.
                                -Sir Walter Scott

3. It's important to have consequences, both good and bad. That's how we learn. That's how we grow.

4. When you do good, do it for the right reasons. You can't fake your way into lasting relationships. If motives are not genuine, the masquerade may work for a while but the insincerity will eventually be sniffed out.

5. You can rise above the cold, dark, and bleak. Phil turned his life around when he was still in the middle of winter's bitter chill. He even discovered aspects of the season that prepared his mind to love it, even if it meant the rest of his life.  Gratitude!

6. To learn a new talent or master a new skill takes time and lots of practice, day after day, after day.

7. Make a conscious effort to look around each day and see who you can help in small and simple ways. Only when Phil genuinely began to care for others, the mundane didn't matter so much.  In fact, he found beauty and fulfillment in the day-in day-out routine.

Escaping the Vacuum Cycle of Self
-Alicia

Grace for Grace

"Dear Lord,

So far today, am I doing alright.

I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self-indulgent. I have not whined or complained.

But I will be getting out of bed in a minute, and I think that I will really need your help then."

- unknown

Many of life's solutions seem so much easier in words than the actual application.  I can start my day off with prayer and scriptures.  I can study the life of Christ and His teachings.  I can make resolutions for the day. And then some drama will unfold with the children, some conflict arises, or something won't work how it's expected too... and the real test of my character begins.    

You know those uncomfortable moments at the end of the day, where you review how you handled each situation and realize that you could have done better?  I consider those reflective moments to be a blessing, an opportunity to learn and try again.

I read in the New Testament this morning, "My son, despise not thou the chastening of the Lord, nor faint when thou art rebuked of Him: For whom the Lord loveth, He chasteneth..." (Hebrews 12: 5,6)

The Lord knows we are going to stumble and fall, that we won't be the ideal father, the ideal mother, or the ideal anything.  He knows we won't be perfect.  And when we offend, when we mess up... we must be quick to apologize and set it right. It's the repentant soul who displays real faith and real courage.

Popular BYU Professor and LDS speaker--Brad Wilcox--said,

There should never be just two options: perfection or giving up. When learning the piano, are the only options performing at Carnegie Hall or quitting? No. Growth and development take time. Learning takes time. When we understand grace, we understand that God is long-suffering, that change is a process, and that repentance is a pattern in our lives. When we understand grace, we understand that the blessings of Christ’s Atonement are continuous and His strength is perfect in our weakness (see 2 Corinthians 12:9). When we understand grace, we can, as it says in the Doctrine and Covenants, “continue in patience until [we] are perfected” (D&C 67:13).

I'm also learning that the specific things we pray for can make a huge difference in how we handle each situation:

• I am discovering that it's better for me to seek for understanding rather than pray for patience.  When I understand the situation more or the intent of another, patience follows more naturally.

• I am discovering that it's better for me to offer prayers of gratitude rather than pray to have love for others.  When I'm filled with gratitude, love follows more naturally.

I'm grateful to know the Lord is all about second chances and new beginnings.  He delights to untangle the messes we find ourselves in and fill our souls with peace.  "Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby." - Hebrews 12:11

I pray your day is blessed with the unfailing grace and love extended to us through our Savior, that you feel peace... even in the middle of a storm, especially in the middle of a storm. Sail on.

-Alicia

"It's not that they are untrue, but that they are incomplete."

“The single story creates stereotypes, and the problem with stereotypes

is not that they are untrue, but that they are incomplete.

They make one story become the only story.”

- Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Imagine a courtroom where the judge and jury were only given one story to come to their conclusions, to make their ruling. It could never be a fair trial! In order for the court system to work properly, the purpose is to provide many witnesses and cross examinations to make a good case.

Everyone wants a complete and fair trial. The quote I used at the beginning of this post is taken from a really wonderful Ted Talk I watched in my writing class on Monday.  I've been thinking about it all week, thinking about how we unintentionally get the wrong idea of cultures, nations, families, neighbors, and even individuals from hearing only one side of the story.  

Hearing only one side of the story can lead us to assume the best or the worst in others; We might almost worship another human being or completely despise them without ever having met them or from only hearing a single story about them.  Some examples of single stories that come to my mind are the following:

1. A single story happens when a child comes home from school and tells their parents how awful their teacher is.  If the parent's never take the time to go to the school to meet the teacher, the view the parents form about the teacher is all based on one individual's story.
2. A single story happens when a person has formed an opinion about a religion based off how it was portrayed in a TV sitcom or Broadway show.
3. A single story may be formed from the appearance or location of others before we've had a chance to let them speak for themselves.  (A Scripture example: When King Limhi, in the Book of Mormon detains Ammon and almost has him killed, before he came to know Ammon's full story.  When King Limhi realized the full story, his mood and perception changed dramatically. [-Mosiah 7])
4. A single story can happen with our ancestors, people who've passed away, or historical figures. Even they even fall victim to tall-tales when a single story told over and over through time, makes them out to be gods or devils, instead of human.

These are just a few examples...

Come to think of it... as I write this... even my blog is only a single story that I'm telling of my life. Would perceptions change if I had my children, my husband, my friends, or my parents tell the stories of my life on here from their view?  

I really felt this Ted Talk was extremely worth the time it took to watch it. Chimamanda does such a fantastic job of illustrating the danger of a single story. It compels me to slow down and do some research before I form my own judgments and opinions of others.... and never let one story become the only story.

-Alicia

Waves of Grief and Loss

"Grief seems to create losses within us that reach beyond our awareness; 

We feel as if we're missing something that was invisible and unknown to us while we had it, but is now painfully gone."

- Brene' Brown (From the book Rising Strong p.146)

I think that's exactly what my husband is going through, a period of grief--a type of mourning. Our old life that has passed away--how our family used to be, everything that was comfortable and familiar--now feels strange and foreign when he arrives home from work: different faces, different voices, different smells, different behaviors, different conflicts.

For the first few days after our foster placement, I felt the same kind of grief, the same sense of loss for our old lifestyle... and it still surfaces every now and then but I think I've had more time to adjust than my husband.  For two weeks before these children were officially placed with us, they were coming to our house for around five hours every day and went back home shortly after Joseph returned from work... so he didn't get as much of a primer. And still, after the placement, he's at work most of the time while I'm here with them. My ratio of opportunities to adjust simply outnumber his.

Big changes have never been easy for Joseph--the loss of what once was.
I remember two big changes where he nearly called everything off because he was so terrified of the pending upheaval of his familiar routine: our wedding day and our move to Provo. In his own words he says, "I was so terrified, I wanted to tuck tail and run!" And running away, is exactly what he's felt like doing with our new life as foster parents. Admittedly, several days ago, I was right there with him. Sometimes we both ask, "What the 'H' have we gotten ourselves into?!"

There are two things that help us hold our ground though:
One--the miraculous events, timing, and connections that led us to where we are. We know we've been called of God on this mission...
And two--thinking of our foster children's lives and the intense need they have for a stable family, free from living on the streets, free from the scene of drugs, free from abuse.
Where else would they go without having to leave their school, their friends, and the people they've come to know through this ward?

I recognize that this transition is going to take time for both of us and it's likely going to take more time for Joseph, because he's not home as much. The biggest thing I worry about is him being too hard on himself. The other night he said discouragingly, "Alicia, I'm the one who initially introduced the idea of being foster parents but now I don't feel like I can't do this. I just can't do this. I don't feel close to these children at all." I reassured him that I often feel the same but I know we're going to make it!

I've discovered that our older foster child needs about an hour every evening to just talk with me. If I don't allow him that conversation time, he begins to act out in poor behavior and wake all the other kids. I'm grateful though because our conversations have helped forge some very needful bonds, even if they're not as strong as I'd like them to be.

For the past nine nights, during the new bed-time routine, Joseph has been so terribly uncomfortable that the only way for him to cope has been to keep his distance: emotionally and physically. He hunkers downstairs writing in his journal or chats with Chandler for two hours while I put the other five to bed. I recognize how prone he is to depression so I haven't said anything.  The miracle is that the Lord has blessed me with an added measure of peace and strength to help me shoulder this compassionately while Joseph works through his grief of losing our old life.

"I once heard a friend say that grief is like surfing. 
Sometimes you feel steady and you're able to ride the waves, 
and other times the surf comes crashing down on you, 
pushing you so far underwater that you're sure you'll drown."

- Brene' Brown (From the book Rising Strong p.147)

The crashing waves remind me of the familiar story of Peter when Christ beckoned for him to step out onto the water. I know it seems impossible. I know it is frightening and overwhelming at times but I know Who is calling us and I trust Him. I trust Him with all my heart.
We won't drown. He's got this!

-Alicia

Walk On the Water

First World Problems

This past week has been extremely taxing on all of us--car problems, several expensive things breaking, trying to balance the kids school / my school, and of course the big move. All of it has left Joseph and me physically worn and emotionally drained (not the best combination). We've tried so hard to encourage each other and avoid dragging ourselves down. I really felt bad complaining because we've had so many little tender mercies through it all.

A few evenings ago, I was at the lowest I've been in a long time, I felt numb to everything around me, just lost in a daze.  I'm not easily depressed but it hit me hard Monday night.  It made it even more tough to see that Joseph felt worse than I did. Usually, when one of us is down, the other one of us is up, and we can help pull the other out of it. But it's especially hard when we're BOTH feeling low. (Any married couple knows exactly what I'm talking about. You want to buoy each other up and you feel bad that you can't.)

 The next morning, after I prayed and studied, I watched the video about the refugees from the Middle East and was instantly humbled.  My problems seem so petty, so "first world" compared to these poor families. I felt like I'd been behaving like a spoiled child. As I listened to the refugees tell their stories, I marveled at how I could ever complain about anything.  Strangely, I felt the burdens on my shoulders lifted as feelings of compassion distilled on my heart. I have so much more than I deserve, a million times more.

I guess it's all how we choose to look at our lives. It reminds me of that old Indian proverb, "I used to complain that I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet."

-Alicia

More Mindful

So far this semester, I've really enjoyed my class, Writing and Rhetoric.  Each chapter I've studied, essay I've written, and lecture I've listened too has shown me how much more mindful, thoughtful, and informed I need to be with the opinions I hold and the words I say.

I like to think that I'm open-minded to people who believe different than me but now and then I catch a very unflattering glimpse of myself unwilling to explore the position or reasoning of an opposing view. I'm terribly uncomfortable with debate and I suppose part of that stems from my lack of several tools: vocabulary, wit, and knowledge... just to name a few.

Still though, I want to learn. I desperately want to learn! I need things to push me out of my comfort zone and I need to get over my fear of rejection or acceptance.  I have talents and gifts unique to me that I know can be a strength and benefit to others.  I know that if I just had more skill and know-how with some of these gifts, I could go so much further and do so much more good than I have in my life.

I feel grateful for the opportunity to go to school, especially BYU.  I'm glad I've decided to stick with enrollment this semester because it's working out, even with my upside-down life right now.  Being on campus (not in online courses but real face-to-face classes) is so thrilling. I recognize every time the incredible blessing it is to further my education. Stepping into the classrooms and being a part of the academic and spiritual atmosphere is absolutely energizing!  I know this is right where I want to be in my life.  I'm so glad I'm here... even if I have a long, long road ahead of me.

-Alicia

"Why is it that ye are so fearful?"

It has been almost a week now since our van has been in the repair shop.  Finally, they think they have diagnosed the problem; another circuit module issue that transmits the wrong messages and causes engine failure. It will cost us over $1,600 to replace this module just to see if they have truly pegged the culprit.  The Chevy dealer informed me their factory records indicate our van was brought into his shop on two other occasions; First, when Via Motors realized they had a failed "science experiment" on their hands and took it in at 3,000 miles due to a messed up computer system... And second, when Dastrup Auto brought it in at 6,000 miles due to a different short-circuit module.

...And here we are bringing it back at 9,000.

...Now when we do the math, it seems if we continue with this vehicle, we will have nothing but nightmares every 3,000 miles. We just can't get over why NONE of this was on the CarFax, not a trace!

My husband has begun to ask some of the same questions I was asking last Saturday: "Why didn't the Spirit warn us?  Why did we feel fine about everything when we made the purchase?"

Last night, Joseph couldn't contain his frustration as he shouted, "I'm not so sure I even understand what the purpose of praying about anything does anymore, especially when we can't even recognize the answers! Why do we keep being led into situations like this?! Maybe we haven't been led at all?"

I understood his feelings but there was nothing I could say to console him.  He continued,

"Alicia, what if we move into this house and find out that we are in way over our heads?! What if we have emergency repairs crop up like these cars but only a hundred times worse?! What do we do then? We can't do anything because we're bound into these contracts!  Do you realize we're stuck!! Absolutely stuck!! And don't tell me to 'keep the faith', I'm tired of hearing that it will all work out because it's not! Nothing is working out!  This is a huge mess and faith hasn't gotten us anywhere!!"

I didn't know what to say to him.  I was completely at a loss of words. I get what he's saying, I totally get where he's coming from. I don't know what to do either. We are expected to close on our house in two weeks. What are we doing?!! This is crazy!!

Somehow, I still really feel like we're going to be okay (aside from the ulcers I think I'm developing.  I can't pretend that these past few months haven't been horribly uncomfortable and terribly strenuous).

I've been reading in the first chapter of Nephi again and I suppose with Lehi's journey, they could've had some similar doubts about the directions they were given:

• If the brass plates were so important and if Lehi was so inspired, why didn't the Lord command Lehi's family to get them before they left Jerusalem? Why did they have to travel all the way out of the city for miles and then backtrack? Isn't that wasted time and energy?

• If Nephi was such a spiritual guy, why did he have the idea to give all their family's gold and silver to negotiate the trade with Laban only to have that attempt completely backfire and lose all their money? Doesn't it seems like a completely pointless loss?

I don't know the answers to these questions anymore than I know the answers to our current situation. I just know that the Lord won't let us fail.  And in the words of Nephi, "I know that He shall prepare a way for [us] to accomplish the things He has commanded us", the things that matter most.

And what matters most at this point?

It matters that we keep praying, keep moving, keep believing, keep focusing on and recognizing the blessings and the good that is happening through all of this.  I honestly don't think the Lord is so extremely concerned with what, in life, happens to us - Instead, I believe God is far more interested in how we choose to happen to life.  It's so important that no matter the circumstances, no matter the difficulties, we choose to remain faithful to God, "at all times, in all things, and in all places, even unto death." (Mosiah 18:9)

I read a talk by Elder L. Whitney Clayton from 2001, that corresponded with my scripture study this morning and I greatly appreciated this testimony:

All of us have come face-to-face with difficult, even desperate hours, when with tears we have fallen on our knees and pled as did this father, ‘Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief.’

Just as the Savior stood ready to help this father whose son was “sore vexed,” (Matt. 17:15) so is He ready to help our unbelief today so that with faith we can survive our mortal struggles and “come off conqueror.” (D&C 10:5)

Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ is the first principle of the gospel and is more than mere belief.  Faith is a “hope for things which are not seen, which are true.” “Faith always moves its possessor to … physical and mental action.”  “To have faith in Jesus Christ means to have such trust in him that we obey whatever he commands. There is no faith where there is no obedience.”

[See  A of F 1:4 Bible Dictionary, “Faith,” 669–70.] ( Alma 32:21 see also  Heb. 11:1  Ether 12:6) [Bible Dictionary, 670.] [Gospel Principles (1997), 118.]

Amidst all these storms and turmoil, we have had miraculous blessings and this past week we’ve started a family ritual to go around taking turns mentioning something about the day that was a tender mercy. These are some that have been mentioned:

1. Vick's generosity and help at the Laundromat last Saturday
2. The guy who did our home inspection decided for no apparent reason to charge us $100 LESS than he usually charges.
3. My friend, Jenn Peterson, helped drive my kids around all day Tues.
4. My friend, Suzanne, let me borrow her car yesterday afternoon so I could get some groceries and get my kids to their music lessons and orthodontist appointments.
5. Right when I was returning Suzanne’s car, my friend, Doyle, called to tell me that he and his wife were leaving on a two-week trip and said we could use their Mitsubishi while they were away.

None of these tender mercies were things we asked for but were freely offered. THIS is what faith is doing for us!!  THIS is what prayers are doing for us!  This is WHY I believe things are going to be alright. The Lord has said so clear, “Alicia, if I want bread, I can get bread. If I want fish, I can get fish.” I believe Him. As hard as all of this is and as hard as it may be, I know we are going to be okay

... and for the times when I'm not so strong and fear pulls me down beneath the tumultuous waves, I pray, 'Lord, help thou my unbelief!'

-Alicia

"Why is it that ye are so fearful?"

My husband sent me this really great message while he was at work this afternoon. It made me cry. (good tears of course, very good tears)

Hey,

I had a g+ notification this morning from a post by Pres. Uchtdorf.  I think I felt the power of what he was saying and I am choosing to believe this words and trust in them.  I just wanted to share it as we move forward.  I still don't know where the end of this road is, but I believe choosing faith in this situation will get us much further than choosing fear and doubt.  Here is what he said:

"The Lord knows you. He knows your heart and is pleased with your sacrifice. He smiles upon you each day. He will uphold you and prepare the way for you. He will send His angels before you. You will feel their presence. And with the help of heaven, your talents will be multiplied.

I promise you that as you lift those around you, the Lord God, the Creator of the universe, will lift you up. If you will only believe and incline your heart to our Beloved Father, He will place within you a peace that surpasses understanding. He will give you joy. May each of you always remember this."

"Nearer my God to Thee, nearer to Thee!  E'en though it be a cross that raiseth me."  

If we draw nearer to God in this, no cost will be too much.  We get to choose faith and it is a privilege that we can choose faith in a situation like this.  My hope and prayer in all of this is that this cross will raise us up to Him.  

Be patient with me as I work through my pride as it manifests itself in anger, frustration and doubts and fears.

I love you... but I love the Lord more ;)  But I know my love of the Lord will only increase my love for you.  I hope to be able to grow in that more.  I know it doesn't always show up that way.


Just some thoughts.
Joseph

Major Tom, your circuits dead, there's something wrong.

Our "new" van broke down Friday night due to the transmission jolting and revving.  It caught us totally off guard. I tested it again in the morning and sure enough, the same problem. I had to call and have it towed.  The factory warranty we were led to believe it was under is actually null and void because of an undisclosed original owner/company, Via Motors, that removed the engine and replaced it with their own parts. It's like some kind of eerie mad Scientist experiment where the Dr. takes out the brain of a patient and puts in a different one just to see how they function. When we bought it, we knew nothing about Via Motors and it was never disclosed on the car facts. We understood the engine had all brand-new parts but we were told they were GM and the power train was covered for one more year. Learning otherwise yesterday made me sick to my stomach.  This is the last thing we needed!

Since I am out a vehicle for a while, I had to have my friend, Suzanne, give me a lift to the laundromat so I could take care of the wash. She could only drop me off yesterday because all her kids had soccer games they had to be to.  I told her not to worry about picking me up and that somehow I'd find a ride home.  I brought some food and my homework with me.  In between my reading assignments I made phone calls back and forth to the company that we bought our van through and the Chevy dealer's repair shop.  The place who sold it to us was horrified with the information I gave them and denied having any knowledge about Via Motors.

All the detective work between the dealer and the factory was very frustrating.  I needed a breather.  After changing the clothes from the washers to the dryers, I walked around to the side of the building and slumped down in the shade of a tree.  I began listening to Richard G. Scott's talk from 1995 "Trust in the Lord." My 80-yr-old friend, Vic, came outside and discovered me sitting there.  (Vic is the owner of The Wash Hut Laundromat I've been going to for these past eight years.  He's a very nice man, is always asking how I'm doing and bringing the children treats.)

I tried to put a smile on my face but couldn't suppress feeling so stupid and completely humiliated for buying another lemon, especially at this time where we're going to have to scrape and save all we can to make our mortgage each month.  I was overwhelmed with doubts of my ability to be inspired and questioned myself:  "Was there a prompting I missed somehow that tried to warn me about this van?  How many other times have I felt as if I was going in the right direction only to discover a dead end? What's wrong with me? Why is this happening?"

"How ya doin' kid?" Vic's voice interrupted my self-defeating thoughts. I looked up and answered with a tired, "Hey there."
 Sensing something wasn't right he asked, "What brings you over to this side of the building?"
"I'm just trying to gather my thoughts," I replied.
"Oh??" Vic said with an imploring tone and crossed his arms to comfortably listen.
"You won't believe it... but remember how our two cars broke down a couple months ago and we got that new van?? Well, now this new one is having some serious issues... right at the time we're getting ready to move into a house and take on a mortgage too.  Even this dang phone, our only phone is literally falling to pieces (I held it up with its shattered screen in the air)... and so is our computer at home.  It's like everything is deciding to break right now -  right when everything is being removed from under us."
I took in a deep breath and heaved a heavy sigh.
"Aw, kid, I'm so sorry!" Vic replied with deep sympathy.
Despite my effort to hold back my tears, they began to stream down my face. I tried to wipe them quickly away and be strong. Vic rushed inside, grabbed me some Kleenex and a drink, and handed them to me as I continued:
"I just wish I knew what was going on.  Is the Lord trying to tell me something?  Is there something I need to change? I don't even have time to deal with all of this. I have a five-page paper due on Monday and I can't think, I can't focus at all.  I'm trying to be optimistic.  I'm trying to hear the Lord's voice in all of this.  I don't know what to do."
Vic placed his hand lovingly on my head, "Oh, this is awful, kid. I'm so very sorry." He stood there searching for more words to say,  "I wish there was something I could do.  I wish I could write your paper for you.  I wish I could fix your van, fix everything that's wrong.  I just wish I could make everything better."
"I know you do, Vic. You are very sweet." I assured him that his kindness to listen was more than enough and I appreciated him expressing so much concern. "I know everything will be alright.  I just need to trust that." I pointed to the talk I had on my phone by Richard G. Scott, "I just need to trust this."
"Well, let me know what you need from me." Vic insisted and returned into the building with a friendly wave.
I thanked him again and put my headphones back in to continue listening to Elder Scott's talk. I had to finish my work, I just couldn't afford to waste any more time.  I gathered my stuff and walked back into the Wash Hut so I could begin folding clothes from the dryers. Elder Scott concluded his talk with this testimony:

"I know the principles that we have discussed are true. They have been tested in the crucible of personal experience. [his own crucible of personal experience] To recognize the hand of the Lord in your life and to accept His will without complaint is a beginning. That decision does not immediately eliminate the struggles that will come for your growth. But I witness that it is the best way there is for you to find strength and understanding. It will free you from the dead ends of your own reasoning. It will allow your life to become a productive, meaningful experience, when otherwise you may not know how to go on (see D&C 24:8)."

The counsel, "recognize the hand of the Lord in your life" hit me as the key to the peace I was needing in that moment.  I began listing to myself all the blessings I had seen in the past several hours:
"I'm grateful my friend, Suzanne, was there for me to drive me to the laundromat.
I'm grateful I have some quiet time to study.
I'm grateful my arms and legs work so that I can stand here and easily fold these clothes.
I'm grateful I my health is good and I can enjoy the beauty of this day.
I'm grateful that I have perfect hearing and that I have this blessing of technology to listen to this talk from an apostle of the Lord as I work."

Focusing on the blessings really helped me and I felt so much better, much more calm.

Vick came over to visit again.
"How are you planning on getting all this stuff home?"
"I was going to call a friend and see if someone might be available to take me back."
"Me! Call me!" Vick offered.
"Okay, thank you," I said graciously.
He hastily brought his car around to the front of the building, backed it up, and opened the trunk. "Here you go. Just let me know when you are ready to leave."

I mentally added one more thing to be grateful for on my list. And started Elder Scott's talk over again for the third time.

"Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more (see Prov. 3:11–12). He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain.

When you face adversity, you can be led to ask many questions. Some serve a useful purpose; others do not. To ask, Why does this have to happen to me? Why do I have to suffer this, now? What have I done to cause this? will lead you into blind alleys. It really does no good to ask questions that reflect opposition to the will of God. Rather ask, What am I to do? What am I to learn from this experience? What am I to change? Whom am I to help? How can I remember my many blessings in times of trial? Willing sacrifice of deeply held personal desires in favor of the will of God is very hard to do. Yet, when you pray with real conviction, “Please let me know Thy will” and “May Thy will be done,” you are in the strongest position to receive the maximum help from your loving Father.

The laundry was ready and loaded into the trunk of Vic's car.  He came out with a bag full of treats from the vending machine. "For your children." He smiled, stuffing the bag between the folded towels.  He drove me home and helped me carry the baskets up to my apartment.  I thanked him again for all his kindness and generosity.  He hugged me, kissed me on the head, and drove away with a wave, "I love you, kid."

I pulled out the bag of treats Vic had stuffed into the laundry and began to divide the candy among the children.  At the bottom of a bag was an envelope with $100.  "Ah, Vic, you didn't need to do that!" I said out loud as if he were still there.  I rebuked myself for complaining so openly. I didn't want him to give me money! I didn't want anyone to!!  Nevertheless, it was another blessing and I thanked my God for it. I remembered the verse I had been pondering over this past week. "For I know the plans I have for you..."

"When you pass through trials for His purposes, as you trust Him, exercise faith in Him, He will help you. That support will generally come step by step, a portion at a time. While you are passing through each phase, the pain and difficulty that comes from being enlarged will continue. If all matters were immediately resolved at your first petition, you could not grow." - Richard G. Scott

I want to grow.
I trust the Lord.
-Alicia