Facing Fear and Sorrow

Well I don't think Yoda had it exactly right--Fear doesn't necessarily lead to anger.  It's the denial of fear, the being too proud to admit fear, or just a completely unconscious fear that can lead to an unhealthy anger.

I've felt compelled to study the emotion of fear a little more lately mostly to observe the needs of each member of my family: my children,  my foster children, my husband, and myself.  Fear is a powerful emotion and can be extremely intimidating. But instead of running from it, we should seek to understand the cause of it in our lives.

I've noticed that Joseph has been studying fear too--searching talks and scriptures on the subject. We've had some great discussions together that I've really enjoyed.  Last Thursday, we had a 3-way phone conversation from one of the supervisors at DCFS.  He described some observations he has made with the foster children and how fear has been playing into their lives.

There's something interesting about fear... because when we don't face our fears or admit them, it usually leads to another, more frightening, emotion.  I found these lines the other day that describe what I'm trying to say:

"A well-defended heart is always looking for a fight"

-Jason Gray

These discussions and these studies have been very helpful in opening our understanding to two little guests we have in our home.  A couple of nights ago, we gained even more insight as we listened to an incredible story.

Joseph and I had our date night on Sunday this last week and had the privilege of attending a fireside where Sergeant Justin Garn spoke.  Sergeant Garn described some of his experiences in combat. He said that fear and sadness are primary emotions and that anger is secondary. Even in a split second, when someone flies off the handle, it is almost always because they've ignored their primary emotion. Anger is always a choice and that it is usually used as a tool to hide fear or grief.

He described some dark times in his life during combat where he almost let anger take over his soul because he didn't want to face his fears or sorrows. It was a rude awakening to recognize the anger that almost swallowed him whole. He realized that it came from suppressing his fear and by not allowing himself to mourn.

"We all grieve in different ways," he said--we all mourn over different losses and changes in our lives--but we all grieve and we all mourn.  And we need to allow ourselves to feel and express fear and sorrow, these primary emotions, to be real with ourselves and others.  If we don't, then we often turn to anger--the biggest destroyer of peace.

He began to study his scriptures and pray everyday.  He changed the music he listened to and prepared himself each morning by listening to hymns, songs that reminded him of the worth of every human soul. He felt a miraculous change come over his heart as he began to feel love even for those who would usually be called his enemy.

As Joseph and I listened to this incredible soldier speak, we heard a modern-day Moroni, one who did not desire to be a man of blood, one who delighted in the freedom of all people, one who truly loved God, his country, and his family. He had a magnificent spirit of humility and love about him.

During the fireside, our experiences as foster parents played in my mind. I thought of the extreme fits of rage our little foster daughter has on a regular basis. I thought of the difficult outbursts of anger our foster son displays too... And I saw them both a little differently.  I could see more clearly what the social worker was describing last Thursday.  These are two very frightened and sad children. It's helpful for us to understand this because it works more compassion and empathy into our hearts. They have not learned to come face to face with their primary emotions, instead they suppress them and have learned to go straight to anger. They don't know how to face their fears.  They don't know how to grieve.

I'm so grateful for this fireside, for the phone-visit we had with the social worker, for the talks Joseph and I have been reading, for the scriptures that have inspired us... these are all in direct line with each other, witnessing to us that God hears our prayers and is teaching us what we need to know along the way.

I read this quote this morning during my personal study and quickly copied it down because I KNOW it's true!! This is my testimony:

"I tell you this: God cares about you. He will listen, and He will answer your personal questions. The answers to your prayers will come in His own way and in His own time, and therefore, you need to learn to listen to His voice. God wants you to find your way back to Him, and the Savior is the way.God wants you to learn of His Son, Jesus Christ, and experience the profound peace and joy that come from following the path of divine discipleship." - President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

-Alicia

"Fear Not"

Fear can be paralyzing.  It can cause us to distance ourselves from family, from friends, and even from God. It can cause unnecessary pain and stir up emotions of hurt, regret, disconnect, and shame. We all have fears but it doesn't do any good to run from them. Fear is the complete opposite of faith and it grows nothing but discord.

I won't deny it, I have my own fears.  I discovered that we will be placed with our foster kids in one week.  I knew it was coming but I didn't think it would be this soon. I want so desperately to help these children without making things too difficult for my own.  I confided in my dear friend, Suzanne, last night about all my fears. She hugged me and reassured me that our family would do a fine job. I was so grateful for her faith in me in that moment.  I really needed it.  Joseph has been a wonderful support too and has faced all of this with tremendous optimism these past couple of weeks.  I know we will both rely on the Lord to get us through.  He is going to be such a wonderful foster father.

I searched some talks on BYU this morning about fear and found some great words by Lloyd Newell.  I share this with anyone else who might struggle with fear.  Don't shame yourself for it.  Get back up and move on.  Today is a brand-new day, rely on the power endowed in us through Christ for, "perfect love casteth out fear." (1 John 4:18)

-Alicia

"I, like you, have fears, and I need to be reminded at times to fear not. I don’t know what your fears are. Like Zacharias, who feared that he would never have children, you may have fears about your family. Or maybe your fear isn’t that you won’t have children but that you will have children, whom you will have to raise in a toxic world increasingly hostile to families. Like Mary, you may have an assignment or responsibility that seems far beyond your abilities. Like Joseph, you may fear getting married—or that you will never get married. Like the shepherds, you may be 'sore afraid' when your peaceful and simple life is disrupted because God has plans for you that are bigger than what you have for yourself.

Life presents endless opportunities to fear. We may fear what people think of us. We may fear failure or rejection. We may be afraid of changes we know we must make in our lives. Or maybe we are just afraid of next week’s final exams. We may experience failure or rejection and wonder if we have what it takes. We may have financial fears, educational and career fears, or fears of public speaking, snakes, or spiders. Yes, we live in a beautiful world—but it can be scary out there!

...I did not come here to frighten you, and you did not come here to be reminded of your fears. We all long for more of God’s peace and strength in the midst of the stresses and difficulties of life.

The Lord’s message to you today is the same message He sent through His angels so long ago: 'Fear not.' He can say that because He knows more than we do. He sees what we cannot see. He knows what is coming, and, in the eternal scheme of things, it is not as bad as we may think. He knows that we can handle it with His help because He knows how to strengthen and 'succor' us. (Alma 7:11-12)"- Lloyd Newell

First World Problems

This past week has been extremely taxing on all of us--car problems, several expensive things breaking, trying to balance the kids school / my school, and of course the big move. All of it has left Joseph and me physically worn and emotionally drained (not the best combination). We've tried so hard to encourage each other and avoid dragging ourselves down. I really felt bad complaining because we've had so many little tender mercies through it all.

A few evenings ago, I was at the lowest I've been in a long time, I felt numb to everything around me, just lost in a daze.  I'm not easily depressed but it hit me hard Monday night.  It made it even more tough to see that Joseph felt worse than I did. Usually, when one of us is down, the other one of us is up, and we can help pull the other out of it. But it's especially hard when we're BOTH feeling low. (Any married couple knows exactly what I'm talking about. You want to buoy each other up and you feel bad that you can't.)

 The next morning, after I prayed and studied, I watched the video about the refugees from the Middle East and was instantly humbled.  My problems seem so petty, so "first world" compared to these poor families. I felt like I'd been behaving like a spoiled child. As I listened to the refugees tell their stories, I marveled at how I could ever complain about anything.  Strangely, I felt the burdens on my shoulders lifted as feelings of compassion distilled on my heart. I have so much more than I deserve, a million times more.

I guess it's all how we choose to look at our lives. It reminds me of that old Indian proverb, "I used to complain that I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet."

-Alicia

My Wish for You

I wasn't going to post anything tonight but I had an old song come into my mind and thought I'd share it.  This is my wish for all those I love. Seize each day and make it beautiful my friends!!

My Wish for You

by, Rascal Flatts

I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,

And each road leads you where you wanna go,

And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,

I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.

And if one door opens to another door closed,

I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,

If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.

But more than anything, more than anything

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,

Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,

You never need to carry more than you can hold,

And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,

I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,

Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,

All the ones who love you, in the place you live,

I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,

And you help somebody every chance you get,

Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,

And always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, more than anything

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,

Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,

You never need to carry more than you can hold,

And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,

I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,

Yeah, this, is my wish.

- Alicia ;)

"Let me be real!"

My sweet friend, Ramona, shared this story with me.  This is perfect!  It was well worth the time it took to listen to it.  Of course I was in a puddle of tears while I watched.  This is absolutely beautiful.  I appreciate the story of Joseph, Mary, and Christ "being real."  It connected deeply with me and was so refreshing to hear:

"The reason I came, the reason I was sent was to be real, to feel everything you've felt, to know everything you need because I needed it too, to hurt like you hurt, to cry like you've cried, laugh like you've laughed, skin my knee like you've skinned your knee, and have my heart broken like your heart has been broken.  I came so that one day or one winter night, when you come face to face with your defeat, your moment of absolute need, you can say, 'You know this too.  Be with me and lead me through it.' And I will." - Baby Jesus (A Walk One Winter Night - by, Al Andrews)

(This year for our Christmas Eve book, I've purchased a favorite of mine for 20 years, "The Tale of Three Trees" by, Angela Elwell Hunt.)  

Next Christmas Eve, this book Ramona showed me will be the book I buy for my family.  

Since this is a story about a Nativity scene, these are a few from my home and from the past:

..........................

Our traditional family Luke 2 reading on Christmas Eve with my siblings.
 Guess which one is me?

Me with my Joseph 2013

Miriam sculpted and painted this cute little nativity out of polymer clay.

Nativity Kaylee made in her primary class.

Micah's popsicle stick nativity.

My cousin Elizabeth (Liz) has made me a couple of these.  Kaylee's middle name is Elizabeth, named after my beautiful cousin and my dad's mother (it was her middle name).  

Our olive wood nativity we bought in the streets of Bethlehem 2007.

To close this post, enjoy this song that goes with the book. 

Nichole Nordeman "REAL."  

Again, thank you, Ramona! This one will definitely join my list of favorites.

Merry Christmas!!
Keepin' it Real!

-Alicia

Reality Check

My husband and I met with our social worker, Mr. Baxter, to turn in all of our adoption papers.  Man, the questions they have you fill out -They want your whole entire life story!  Between me and my husband, we turned in 40 typed pages! The social worker said we filed everything very quickly and that most people don't turn their papers in so fast.  I thought that was funny because later, he conducted a small interview and asked how long our courtship was.
I responded, "We were engaged after 5 weeks from our first date and married 11 weeks after that."
Mr. Baxter tipped his glasses down to raise his eyebrows at me.  Joseph smiled wryly and told the story of our first kiss (which was his first kiss)  "She's always been a fast mover. When she knows something is right, she doesn't hesitate, she moves!"
"Well, I guess that explains why you two are getting everything set in motion with this adoption so fast."
We had a great visit and everything went well.
Near the end of the interview he informed us with what he called "a reality check."
"I must tell you that most young birth mothers are looking for a 'Ken and Barbie' couple, one with a nice big house and preferably no other children.  It may be very difficult for you to find someone who would be willing to give their baby to you... you're an older couple with children of your own already and you live in an apartment."
"I'm not too worried," I said "We have fasted and prayed about this and have received a very clear answer.  I feel confident that the Lord will make it all happen in His way and timing." My husband smiled with agreement.
"Well then, if all goes well, you should be able to get your profile up by January sometime."
"That's what we're hoping."  We shook Mr. Baxter's hand and thanked him as he wished us the best.
He's coming back again on Monday to interview our children and inspect our home.  It's been great motivation for me do some deep cleaning. I feel good about things.  Our apartment may be small and not very stylish but I can say it's clean.

This morning in my scripture studies, I read a verse and thought of how this has all come to be.  I'm overwhelmed with gratitude.  It is nothing short of a miracle.  Something has changed in my husband, I can't describe it.  I never thought I would see him so enthusiastic about this or about life.  The Spirit has rested upon him these past few months in a way that I've never seen before.  He's been happier, more resilient, more faith-filled, and more at peace.  We both know that the Spirit has been guiding us.  We trust this and because we trust the character of our Father in Heaven we know that it will all work out.  This is His will for us.  Here's the scripture I read:

"And [we] do this for a wise purpose;  for thus it whispereth [us], according to the workings of the Spirit of the Lord which is in [us].  And now, [we] do not know all things;  but the Lord knoweth all things which are to come; wherefore, He worketh in [us] to do according to His will." - Words of Mormon 1:7

I know it's true.  We may not be the poster couple but it doesn't really matter.  The "reality check" is this is God's work not ours... And when it comes to the things of this world, I honestly believe "sometimes having more is really less." We will be led in the right direction and there is nothing to fear.

-Alicia

What Shall I Give the Child?

I was having a conversation about adoption with a friend of mine the other day, she thoughtfully mentioned a woman she knew who also has recently decided to adopt.  I instantly recognized the description of the woman my friend spoke of because she's a homeschooler too.  I had seen their family photo on social media advertising themselves to find a birth mom.  The picture of their perfectly clean and dressed children flashed in my mind.   This woman and her husband run their own music business, their children all play instruments, or take other lessons.  They have a gorgeous home that is impeccably organized and the list goes on.

My friend continued to tell me a story about a recent amazing and outstanding accomplishment of this woman.  I can't even remember what the story was because I started to zone out .  I could feel my train of thought switching tracks and the nagging shoulder demon climb aboard;  "Look at everything this woman has to offer the new little baby she adopts; a spacious gorgeous home, beautiful clothes, professional music, karate, and dance lessons.  What can I offer?  What would make a birth-mother choose me when there are women out there like her?  I can't offer any of those things."

That night as I knelt to say my evening prayers, the feelings of inadequacy continued to weigh heavy on my heart.  A memory from before I  met my husband entered in my thoughts: I was hanging out at my boyfriend's house when I overheard his mother in the other room gossiping that I reminded her of Eliza Doolittle, so unrefined and uneducated.  (Thank goodness I dodged that bullet for a mother-in-law!!)  But even though it was 20 years ago, her words echoed hauntingly in my mind as I knelt in my living-room to pray.  I poured out my soul to God.  I shared with Him my desires to care for this little child despite everything I lack.  "I'm not very well educated but I'm working on that.  I can't offer professional music or dance lessons... but I promise my home will be filled with music and dancing.  I can't offer lots of space for the child to live in because our apartment is not that big... but I promise their will be no shortage of room in my heart.  I can't promise stylish clothes because I've never been good at keeping up with fashion... but every day I will strive to clothe them in the "armor of God."  I prayed until I fell asleep and awoke only slightly enough to drag myself to bed.

The following morning, this song by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir was playing like angels singing in my head, "What Shall We Give "...  I got up and searched for it on Youtube.  Tears immediately streamed down my face as the image of the Christ child in a lowly manger struck my heart.  Did Mary and Joseph feel inadequate like me?  Did they wish with all their souls that they could provide only the finest for their newborn baby?  In this moment, the Spirit whispered to me a beautiful and valuable lesson,  "Alicia, the very Son of God was born into far more humble circumstances than yours.  What are the gifts that truly matter most to Him?  He's not concerned with material things or how well your children fall in line with the social upper classes.  He wants them to fall in line with Him... and anyone, with any background, in any circumstance can do that."  Grateful for this revelation, I felt comforted and my heart was at peace.

What shall I give this child?
The same thing I give to my Lord and Savior.  I will give love and affection, praise and adoration.  I will give my whole heart and soul.
-Alicia

The Accessible and Approachable God

In Matthew 11:28 Christ invites us to come unto Him.

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." 

This rest is the Grace of God.  The definition of "rest" is what grace feels like.

This morning in my studies I read these words, 

"Come, my brethren [and sisters, come Alicia], every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters... Come unto the Holy One of Israel, and feast upon that which perisheth not... 

Remember the words of your God; Pray unto Him continually by day, and give thanks unto His holy name by night.  Let your hearts rejoice." - 2 Nephi 9:50-52

To come to God means to approach Him, to access Him through the avenue of expression, through the opening and pouring out to Him our heart, mind, and spirit.

In Hebrews 4:12-16 the Apostle Paul teaches that God knows the thoughts and intents of our hearts even before we approach Him and that our Savior has felt every weakness, pain, heartache, or sorrow that we have ever felt.  

There is no emotion or thought that is hidden from Him.  He sees within us even what we cannot discern.  In verse 13 Paul says "all things are naked and open unto His eyes."  A couple of modern versions of this verse describe it this way: "everything is uncovered and laid bare" and "all things are open and exposed" 

This raw and vulnerable painful place of weakness is our Gethsemane, and in verse 15 Paul testifies that Christ reaches us there.  Because of His Gethsemane, the God of all creation is perfectly approachable in our nakedness.  

I know from personal experience that the throne of God is the most safe place to be our true selves to hold nothing back. Why? Because He knows. He has experienced everything, every temptation, every emotion, every heartache, and every sorrow that we have felt.  He who was horribly abused and crucified, He who hung naked on a cross, He is the one who clothes me.

"He hath clothed me with the garments of salvation, 

He hath covered me with the robe of righteousness."- Isaiah 61:10

I rejoice in knowing there is One who will always know me, One who is always accessible, that I can speak to Him, approach Him, any time, anywhere, any place, whether my heart is weak or strong.  He knows!

"Let us therefore come boldly [with full confidence] unto the throne of grace, 

that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need."- Hebrews 4:16

-Alicia

Keepin' It Real

Learning Meekness - Finding Rest

Made Strong

My professor shared a quote in my religion class yesterday that seemed to speak right to me. After her lecture, I walked down hill from campus and found an isolated spot.  Still pondering upon the words Sister Platt shared, I sat in the pouring rain under my umbrella. With my face hidden by the cover of its canopy, I offered up a tearful prayer that the Lord would please hold together my weak heart.  I just don't feel very strong at this moment in my life.  I know God is good.  I know my weakness will be turned into strength. And I know that through this humbling trial, I will learn lessons I couldn't learn in any other way.  I have faith in God.  He is the Gardener and cuts me back because it's what is best. It just hurts sometimes.
- Alicia

"Where do you suppose we get these weaknesses?... The Lord tells us the answer to this question very plainly in the Book of Mormon. He says:

'And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.' (Ether 12:27)

So where do we get our weaknesses? We get them from the Lord; the Lord gives us weaknesses so we will be humble. This makes us teachable....  It seems that all men have weaknesses in one form or another, character traits that make one more subject to a particular temptation than another. Lehi states that God 'hath created all things, both the heaven and the earth, and all things that in them are, both things to act and things to be acted upon... Giving us weakness, however, is one of the Lord's ways of getting our attention. He says this is the means he uses to make us humble, but he also says that if we will come unto him and have faith in him, he will make us strong wherein we were weak. I know this is the truth. There are numerous examples in the scriptures that vividly illustrate this principle—Alma and the sons of Mosiah...Peter and Paul in the Bible, to name just a few... Paul became one of the greatest missionaries we have record of in the Bible. (Acts 9:1-3) In his own words, he declared: "I can do all things through Christ which strengthened me." (Philip. 4:13)" - Hartman Rector Jr.

Keepin' it Real

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out to another is to risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your dreams, ideas before a crowd is to risk their loss.
To love is risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.
The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, and is nothing.
They may avoid suffering and sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live.
 Chained by their certitudes, they are a slave: they have forfeited their freedom.
Only a person who risks is truly free.

– Anonymous

This has been a favorite poem of mine since I was in high school. The part that stands out to me each time I read it is "appearing the fool." Oh, how many times in my life have I made myself look like the biggest fool! It seems to define who I am.

Last fall my friend, Heidi, told me about a Ted-Talk called, "The Power of Vulnerability."  I looked it up to listen to again today.

The concepts Dr. Brown lays out here are comforting because I have often viewed my vulnerability as something to be ashamed of...  but she says that in her studies, she has found over and over again that vulnerability is also the "birthplace of connection" of being whole-hearted and loving more fully.  She says, "In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen."

If being vulnerable is the key to human connection... then I'll take that risk - no matter how many times I might appear the fool.  I value connection so much more than I value my image.

Keep on keepin' on my friends but most importantly.... never be afraid to be real.  It's worth it.

-Alicia (Keepin' it Real)

........

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

- C.S. Lewis