My husband and I had a particularly rough time fostering this past week. The fosters seemed to be making so much progress.... and then we don't know what happened? Both of them have become more emotional and defiant. And the more defiant their behavior is, the less compassion or love we feel for them-- (of course we feel terrible about our apathy) They sense this and it causes them to act out with worse behavior. It's like a downward cycle.
A couple nights ago, the whole house was in commotion from our foster daughter's tantrums until 4am: Kaylee and Miriam left their beds to try and find a quieter place on the floor downstairs. At that moment, all of my bio-kids were displaced on a couch or a floor while the fosters had their own rooms and own beds.
We were wide awake as the clock ticked over to 4:30. My husband and I laid in bed staring at the ceiling, wondering what to do, we questioned why we ever made the decision to be a foster family. Discouragement descended into our hearts. "What if we are damaging our biological children? What if they grow up resenting us and the foster kids for causing so much upheaval in their lives?"
I couldn't find the words to pray the next morning... all I really said was, "Father, we're both so exhausted and we're both struggling to feel the kind of love these kids need right now. We are terribly tempted to just pass them off to a different family. And as terrible and awful as that would be, it just feels like it would make our lives so much easier. But it's not just about our lives, these kids need help. We need inspiration. We need some kind of encouragement, something to refresh and motivate us if this is what we must continue to do."
I only had a few minutes for scripture study because the kids were waking up again and the family routine demanded my attention. I opened my Bible's cover and found a card with two words "keep going". It was a beautiful simple message on a card from a Relief Society lesson back in October. I had forgotten about it because I don't usually open to the front cover. I took a deep breath and then opened to the middle of my Bible 1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love." Joseph had an equally short morning for his personal scripture study but it's interesting that he had some similar messages. As hard as foster care is and as easy as it would be to quit, we feel like we need to keep going.
My husband and I had a special fast together this last Sunday. We're praying for endurance and love, understanding and compassion that sees beyond rude or obnoxious behavior and focuses on the underlining issues and needs of these children. We prayed for optimism and gratitude to verbally acknowledge any good that the foster kids do--even when praise is the last thing we feel like giving.
We prayed for wisdom to know how to fill the needs of our bio-kids along the way, to help them cope with their discomforts, to recognize how to give their-selves a break and renew their own strength. (They've actually done pretty well and have been amazingly loving through it all.)
Just one day at a time.... one day at a time.
Being foster parents is an extremely humbling and terrifying calling! We have to fight back fear every day... it's something people just have to experience to understand how hard and complicated it is. We feel like we're free-falling right now but we're bound to get traction again... It's a roller-coaster right?... I guess it's all part of the ride so, we'll keep going.
-Alicia
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