Not On My Watch

My friend gave our family her old Xbox last week, including several games.  I haven't known my friend for very long but she is an active member of the Church.  I was shocked at the kinds of games she gave us, the ratings were for mature and teen: images of women scantily dressed and provocatively posed, and terribly violent games. To my friend's credit, maybe she was getting rid of these games because she recognized the lack of wisdom in allowing such things into her home, how this kind of entertainment goes against the standards the Prophets have laid out.  I thanked her graciously for the Xbox.  (She doesn't know I threw all but one of the games away.) We kept Madden 16. :)

As a wife and mother who has witnessed loved ones in my family and extended family struggle with pornography, hatred or  blind rage, I cannot let my guard down with the things I allow into my home "because it's only a game".  I am the guardian of this hearth!

My foster son comes from a home where there were no rules with video games or movies, or any kind of entertainment.  In fact, almost his whole entire life has been spent being babysat in a corner by a TV screen or video game.  The effects have been very damaging to his social behavior, his life perceptions and views, his aggression/temper, and his eating habits. When he first came to live with us, he discovered we had very strict rules with our screen time.  He displayed quite a bit of frustration and resistance to our rules.  But after two months, he has shown incredible improvement! I was so proud of him the other day when he said he didn't really care so much about video games anymore and that he was happy with all the other ways we spent our time.

President Hinckley chose to read the Proclamation on the Family to the General Relief Society as his very first audience.  There is a reason he chose the women of the Church first, he said. “You are the guardians of the hearth,” he told the sisters. “You are the bearers of the children. You are they who nurture them and establish within them the habits of their lives. No other work reaches so close to divinity as does the nurturing of the sons and daughters of God.” -(Gordon B. Hinckley, “Stand Strong against the Wiles of the World,” 101)

It is me who establishes the habits of my children's lives, me! I have a great responsibility on my shoulders.  These things are not allowed in my home, not on my watch. I pray they will recognize the joy that comes from choosing the better part, from choosing virtue and goodness.

"Never has there been a more complex time in the history of the earth. Satan and his minions have been perfecting the weapons in their arsenal for millennia, and they are experienced at destroying faith and trust in God and in the Lord Jesus Christ among the human family.

...We need more of the distinctive, influential voices and faith of women. We need you to learn the doctrine and to understand what we believe so that you can bear your testimonies about the truth of all things" - Elder M. Russell Ballard - Men and Women in the Work of the Lord

Things as They Really Are

-Alicia

Fence or Ambulance?

Around ten years ago, I bought this DVD Standards Night Live by John Bytheway.  Chandler took to it right away and has probably watched it more than 30 times since then.  It has been very well played in our home.  I give it four stars and two enthusiastic thumbs up!

I'd encourage any parent to take advantage of "screen time" like this for their kids. Start them on this stuff as young as you can.  In our family, every Christmas and Easter these types of DVDs and EFY talks have become a well anticipated favorite gift our children receive.

In his devotional, Brother Bytheway recites a poem as he expresses the need for God's standards, for God's commandments and relates them to guard rails or fences.  I love the imagery and feel like it is very effective when we use it in our efforts to teach our children the "why" in this wonderful Gospel:

The Fence or the Ambulance

By Joseph Malins

‘Twas a dangerous cliff, as they freely confessed,

Though to walk near its crest was so pleasant;

But over its terrible edge there had slipped

A duke, and full many a peasant;

So the people said something would have to be done,

But their projects did not all tally.

Some said, “Put a fence around the edge of the cliff;”

Some, “An ambulance down in the valley.”

But the cry for the ambulance carried the day,

For it spread through the neighboring city,

A fence may be useful or not, it is true,

But each heart became brimful of pity

For those who slipped over that dangerous cliff;

And the dwellers in highway and alley

Gave pounds or gave pence, not to put up a fence,

But an ambulance down in the valley.
"For the cliff is all right, if your careful," they said, 
"And, if folks even slip and are dropping, 
It isn't the slipping that hurts them so much 
As the shock down below when they're stopping." 
So day after day,as these mishaps occurred, 
Quick forth would those rescuers sally 
To pick up the victims who fell off the cliff, 
With their ambulance down in the valley.

Then an old sage remarked, “It’s a marvel to me

That people give far more attention

To repairing the results than to stopping the cause,

When they’d much better aim at prevention.

Let us stop at its source all this mischief,” cried he.

“Come, neighbors and friends let us rally:

If the cliff we will fence we might almost dispense

With the ambulance down in the valley.”

Better guide well the young than reclaim them when old,

For the voice of true wisdom is calling:

“To rescue the fallen is good, but ‘tis best

To prevent other people from falling.”

Better close up the source of temptation and crime

Than to deliver from dungeon or galley;

Better put a strong fence ‘round the top of the cliff,

Than an ambulance down in then valley.

"We can choose to see commandments as limitations. We may feel at times that God’s laws restrict our personal freedom, take from us our agency, and limit our growth. But as we seek for greater understanding, as we allow our Father to teach us, we will begin to see that His laws are a manifestation of His love for us and obedience to His laws is an expression of our love for Him." 
- Sister Carol M. Stephens - Oct. 2015 General Conference


My heart feels very heavy today for those who view "the fence" or God's laws as restrictive to our personal freedom.  I wish there was a way I could convey the liberty and incredible love that accompanies those who give heed to our Father in Heaven.  I wish I could express how freeing life can be for those who seek His word and consistently follow His ordained servants.

-Alicia

The First Law of Heaven

One thing I enjoy doing for scripture study is to pull up scriptures.byu.edu go to the right column and select where I am in my reading.  Then next to each individual verse it will show in small parentheses the number of talks given in General Conference that have referenced that particular scripture.  It's like using backwards footnotes and is a wonderful way to elevate my studies and tie them into what the modern prophets have said.

This morning I'm in the final verses of the first book of Nephi.  Here we read about the great need to be obedient to God.  Nephi states, "I would that ye should consider that the things which have been written upon the plates of brass are true; and they testify that a man must be obedient to the commandments of God... if ye shall be obedient to the commandments, and endure to the end, ye shall be saved at the last day.  And thus it is.  Amen." - 1 Nephi 22:30,31 
Through the process of study I mentioned, I found a great talk in 1997 by Elder Ballard called "Stand for Truth and Right."

I've been pondering on the principle of obedience and why it is so essential.  As a mother, it is greatly satisfying to me when my children obey by their own free will...  Especially when I see my children take care of a chore, a task, a responsibility without me having to ask them.  We all know this feeling as a parent, right?  It's high-fives and hugs all around as I shout, "You did it!  You did it and I didn't even have to ask!!  Wow, thank you, this makes me so happy!!"  When I react like this, my kids look at me like I'm weird or something because my excitement meter resembles a person who just won the lottery.  Maybe it's because this type of obedience from them feels that rare sometimes.

When Christ was on the earth He said, "If you love me, keep my commandments."  Isn't that the same desire we have for our children?  "Please be responsible and just take care of what I've asked you to do."

From the experiences I've had as a mom, I can clearly see the deep connection between love and obedience.  The major difference in such compliance is that God is perfect and we can trust that whatever He commands of us is always right.  I'm not a perfect mom and I'm certain that my requests aren't always the best, that there are probably infinitely better ways of handling things.  Nevertheless, these kids are in my care and I must do my best to teach them.  What keeps coming back to me is how much of this "teaching" must be done by my own example.

Yesterday, I randomly selected to listen to a conference session from the past.  I sorted through piles of laundry prepared them for washing, and took care of other chores, while the talks from April 2010's Saturday Morning Session played in the background.  It was a great session and I felt compelled to go back and repeat two of the talks, Sister Beck's and Elder Ballard's.  Both of these speak volumes to me about the example of obedience we set for our children.

Sister Beck speaks of how our obedience "with exactness" is directly correlated with the ability to receive personal revelation.  Elder Ballard spoke boldly of our influence as mothers.  He gave some very clear and strong counsel about standards we choose to uphold and how our children will follow our example more than our words.

"If the mothers are thrifty, so are their daughters. If the mothers are modest, so are the girls. If the mothers wear flip-flops and other casual clothing to sacrament meeting, so do their daughters. Mothers, your example is extremely important to your daughters—even if they don’t acknowledge it.

Throughout the history of the world, women have always been teachers of moral values. That instruction begins in the cradle and continues throughout the lives of their children. Today our society is bombarded with messages about womanhood and motherhood that are dangerously and wickedly wrong. Following these messages can put your daughters on the path to sin and self-destruction. Your daughters may not understand that unless you tell them or, better, unless you show them how to make good choices. As mothers in Israel, you are your daughters’ first line of defense against the wiles of the world.... 

...Let me assure you that even when you think your daughter is not listening to a thing you say, she is still learning from you as she watches you to see if your actions match your words. As Ralph Waldo Emerson is believed to have said, 'What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say' (see Ralph Keyes, The Quote Verifier [2006], 56)." - M. Russell Ballard

Are the things I am doing matching up with what I preach?
Can my children see that my obedience to God is sincere and done with the right intent?
I know I can and I must do better.

There are two things I want my children to know without a shadow of a doubt: One, that I love God and two, that I love them! But they won't believe what I say until they see what I do.

-Alicia

By the Side of the Road

I must admit that I was a little surprised when she responded to my text.  

“Yes, Thursday night will work just fine.”

“Great!” I texted back, “I’ll see you then.”

This was the first time she has ever let me in her home.  I knew it was a direct answer to my prayers.  I have been her visiting teacher for several months now. I have been pleading and praying for this opportunity.  I wanted to make sure that in this first visit I would be able to say something or invite the spirit in a way that sent a very clear message to this dear sister that the Lord loved her, that He knew her heart, and was aware of all of her unspoken struggles.  I said a prayer before I walked up the steps to her door.

She welcomely answered and invited me in.  I knew she just recently returned from California to visit her husband.  He lives there in a company apartment while she works here in Utah - so in order to be with each other, she flys out nearly every weekend.

"How was your trip to L.A.?"  I asked her.

"Great, I'm flying out again tomorrow and won't be back until Monday."

"Wow, well thanks for letting me come over, especially with such a crazy schedule." I said sincerely.

The feeling in the room was comfortable and we conversed easily.  I asked her about her family life growing up.  She told me she was the oldest of lots of half-siblings.  She explained that her mother had been married and divorced four different times and was currently single again but dating.  Her dad lives in Manhattan with her two half-siblings who are almost 20 years younger than her. The tone of her voice revealed sorrow for how scattered everything was.

(Her story made me think of my niece who has been drug through so many of my sister's relationships and the pain it has caused her from growing attached to new step-dads and siblings only to be ripped apart again.)

She told me about her husband's unbelieveable life of being practically homeless, growing up in Detroit with a drug-dealer for a father, and his grandfather offering him shot glasses and cigarettes at the age of five.

"My husband is a convert to the church," she said. "He loves the gospel and he knows it's true, I mean... he served a mission but he just struggles sometimes."

I nodded as if to say, "It's okay, you don't need to explain."

She continued to tell me how difficult is was for her to go to church and to try and live by the standards when she first got married.

"There was so much fighting between us.  He felt I was judging him.  I wanted desperately to keep the peace in our relationship. He has a drink here or there but you see... that's how he was raised. I don't want him to feel uncomfortable when he's with me so I've taken a shot on occasions too."  

She choked back tears.

"There's a part of me that wants to return to church, I think we both will come back someday.  I'm just so afraid because we're just starting to get along now. I don't want to fight with him anymore, it becomes painful trying to live the gospel."

As I listened to this sister's story, I felt so sorry.  I thought of my post from yesterday - how I got on my soap-box about standards and giving strict heed.  I imagined her reading that post and wondered what her reaction would be.  With everything she's been through, would my words make her feel like the way of the gospel was too strict or completely unreachable?  I'm passionate about the things I believe in and in my mind they often seem so black and white.  But then I'll have an experience like this where I see the complexity in the lives of others and I know it's just not that simple.

What do you do when you have certain convictions, when you don't agree with specific behaviors, especially when those behaviors are habits of your spouse?  What if you've tried to make a stand in the past and all that it ever results in is contention.... and so you step down in order to "keep the peace."

My younger brother is dealing with something very similar.  His wife belongs to another faith.  He has started reading the Book of Mormon and has expressed a desire to return to the LDS church but every time he mentions it, he gets push-back or it results in a fight with her.  He wants to draw closer to God but he doesn't want to create a rift with his companion in the process.  What can be done?

I don't know. I honestly don't know.

I wish things were more simple.... more black and white.  

My heart ached for this sister as she told me her story.  I encouraged her to continue to work on her marriage.  I testified of our Father-in-Heaven's unfailing love for her.  I testified that He knew her heart.  

I leaned forward, looked her in the eyes and called her by name, "Whatever you do, whether you come to church or not, please, please never feel unworthy to pray.  Always keep that communication open between you and God.  Lay on Him your fears, your concerns, your worries, tell Him what is holding you back. He'll understand and I promise that as you ask, He'll show you bit by bit what can be done."

Tears were streaming now down her face and she rose up, crossed the room, and hugged me.  "Thank you, thank you.  I needed this.  I needed this so much!  I have felt too unworthy to pray, that He didn't want to hear from me. But you shared this with me. I needed this message."

On my way out the door, she said that she might text me some time if she decided to come to church.  
Enthusiastically I replied, "I'd be delighted to have you sit with me!" I paused briefly and then said, "Let it be your choice though to come to church, it has to be what you want.  And even if you come just for the first hour, I know it will be a blessing to you."

I reassured her again of my testimony that she can always, always approach God. We hugged again.

As I walked down her steps to return to my car, I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the visiting teaching program.  What a privilege to be a part of!

This dear sister has been on my mind all day today.  I keep thinking of how seemingly small efforts for some people are tremendously huge efforts for others.  We are all in such different circumstances.  Thank goodness, the Lord looks on our hearts and not on the outward performances!  I've been thinking about "The Widow's Mite" in Mark 12:41-41 and how the Lord isn't just talking about monetary poverty but circumstantial, even environments where there is great spiritual deprivation.  He sees the smallest effort in those situations and great will be the reward for it.

-Alicia

.........................

There are hermit
souls that live withdrawn
In the peace of their self-content;
There are souls, like stars, that dwell apart,
In a fellowless firmament;
There are pioneer souls that blaze their paths
Where highways never ran;-
But let me live by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.

Let me live in a house
by the side of the road,
Where the race of men go by-
The men who are good and the men who are bad,
As good and as bad as I.
I would not sit in the scorner’s seat,
Or hurl the cynic’s ban;-
Let me live in a house by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.

I see from my house
by the side of the road,
By the side of the highway of life,
The men who press with the ardor of hope,
The men who are faint with the strife.
But I turn not away from their smiles nor their tears-
Both parts of an infinite plan;-
Let me live in my house by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.

I know there are brook-gladdened
meadows ahead
And mountains of wearisome height;
That the road passes on through the long afternoon
And stretches away to the night.
But still I rejoice when the travelers rejoice,
And weep with the strangers that moan,
Nor live in my house by the side of the road
Like a man who dwells alone.

Let me live in my
house by the side of the road
Where the race of men go by-
They are good, they are bad, they are weak, they are strong,
Wise, foolish- so am I.
Then why should I sit in the scorner’s seat
Or hurl the cynic’s ban?-
Let me live in my house by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.

- Sam Walter Foss (1858-1911)