By the Side of the Road

I must admit that I was a little surprised when she responded to my text.  

“Yes, Thursday night will work just fine.”

“Great!” I texted back, “I’ll see you then.”

This was the first time she has ever let me in her home.  I knew it was a direct answer to my prayers.  I have been her visiting teacher for several months now. I have been pleading and praying for this opportunity.  I wanted to make sure that in this first visit I would be able to say something or invite the spirit in a way that sent a very clear message to this dear sister that the Lord loved her, that He knew her heart, and was aware of all of her unspoken struggles.  I said a prayer before I walked up the steps to her door.

She welcomely answered and invited me in.  I knew she just recently returned from California to visit her husband.  He lives there in a company apartment while she works here in Utah - so in order to be with each other, she flys out nearly every weekend.

"How was your trip to L.A.?"  I asked her.

"Great, I'm flying out again tomorrow and won't be back until Monday."

"Wow, well thanks for letting me come over, especially with such a crazy schedule." I said sincerely.

The feeling in the room was comfortable and we conversed easily.  I asked her about her family life growing up.  She told me she was the oldest of lots of half-siblings.  She explained that her mother had been married and divorced four different times and was currently single again but dating.  Her dad lives in Manhattan with her two half-siblings who are almost 20 years younger than her. The tone of her voice revealed sorrow for how scattered everything was.

(Her story made me think of my niece who has been drug through so many of my sister's relationships and the pain it has caused her from growing attached to new step-dads and siblings only to be ripped apart again.)

She told me about her husband's unbelieveable life of being practically homeless, growing up in Detroit with a drug-dealer for a father, and his grandfather offering him shot glasses and cigarettes at the age of five.

"My husband is a convert to the church," she said. "He loves the gospel and he knows it's true, I mean... he served a mission but he just struggles sometimes."

I nodded as if to say, "It's okay, you don't need to explain."

She continued to tell me how difficult is was for her to go to church and to try and live by the standards when she first got married.

"There was so much fighting between us.  He felt I was judging him.  I wanted desperately to keep the peace in our relationship. He has a drink here or there but you see... that's how he was raised. I don't want him to feel uncomfortable when he's with me so I've taken a shot on occasions too."  

She choked back tears.

"There's a part of me that wants to return to church, I think we both will come back someday.  I'm just so afraid because we're just starting to get along now. I don't want to fight with him anymore, it becomes painful trying to live the gospel."

As I listened to this sister's story, I felt so sorry.  I thought of my post from yesterday - how I got on my soap-box about standards and giving strict heed.  I imagined her reading that post and wondered what her reaction would be.  With everything she's been through, would my words make her feel like the way of the gospel was too strict or completely unreachable?  I'm passionate about the things I believe in and in my mind they often seem so black and white.  But then I'll have an experience like this where I see the complexity in the lives of others and I know it's just not that simple.

What do you do when you have certain convictions, when you don't agree with specific behaviors, especially when those behaviors are habits of your spouse?  What if you've tried to make a stand in the past and all that it ever results in is contention.... and so you step down in order to "keep the peace."

My younger brother is dealing with something very similar.  His wife belongs to another faith.  He has started reading the Book of Mormon and has expressed a desire to return to the LDS church but every time he mentions it, he gets push-back or it results in a fight with her.  He wants to draw closer to God but he doesn't want to create a rift with his companion in the process.  What can be done?

I don't know. I honestly don't know.

I wish things were more simple.... more black and white.  

My heart ached for this sister as she told me her story.  I encouraged her to continue to work on her marriage.  I testified of our Father-in-Heaven's unfailing love for her.  I testified that He knew her heart.  

I leaned forward, looked her in the eyes and called her by name, "Whatever you do, whether you come to church or not, please, please never feel unworthy to pray.  Always keep that communication open between you and God.  Lay on Him your fears, your concerns, your worries, tell Him what is holding you back. He'll understand and I promise that as you ask, He'll show you bit by bit what can be done."

Tears were streaming now down her face and she rose up, crossed the room, and hugged me.  "Thank you, thank you.  I needed this.  I needed this so much!  I have felt too unworthy to pray, that He didn't want to hear from me. But you shared this with me. I needed this message."

On my way out the door, she said that she might text me some time if she decided to come to church.  
Enthusiastically I replied, "I'd be delighted to have you sit with me!" I paused briefly and then said, "Let it be your choice though to come to church, it has to be what you want.  And even if you come just for the first hour, I know it will be a blessing to you."

I reassured her again of my testimony that she can always, always approach God. We hugged again.

As I walked down her steps to return to my car, I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the visiting teaching program.  What a privilege to be a part of!

This dear sister has been on my mind all day today.  I keep thinking of how seemingly small efforts for some people are tremendously huge efforts for others.  We are all in such different circumstances.  Thank goodness, the Lord looks on our hearts and not on the outward performances!  I've been thinking about "The Widow's Mite" in Mark 12:41-41 and how the Lord isn't just talking about monetary poverty but circumstantial, even environments where there is great spiritual deprivation.  He sees the smallest effort in those situations and great will be the reward for it.

-Alicia

.........................

There are hermit
souls that live withdrawn
In the peace of their self-content;
There are souls, like stars, that dwell apart,
In a fellowless firmament;
There are pioneer souls that blaze their paths
Where highways never ran;-
But let me live by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.

Let me live in a house
by the side of the road,
Where the race of men go by-
The men who are good and the men who are bad,
As good and as bad as I.
I would not sit in the scorner’s seat,
Or hurl the cynic’s ban;-
Let me live in a house by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.

I see from my house
by the side of the road,
By the side of the highway of life,
The men who press with the ardor of hope,
The men who are faint with the strife.
But I turn not away from their smiles nor their tears-
Both parts of an infinite plan;-
Let me live in my house by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.

I know there are brook-gladdened
meadows ahead
And mountains of wearisome height;
That the road passes on through the long afternoon
And stretches away to the night.
But still I rejoice when the travelers rejoice,
And weep with the strangers that moan,
Nor live in my house by the side of the road
Like a man who dwells alone.

Let me live in my
house by the side of the road
Where the race of men go by-
They are good, they are bad, they are weak, they are strong,
Wise, foolish- so am I.
Then why should I sit in the scorner’s seat
Or hurl the cynic’s ban?-
Let me live in my house by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.

- Sam Walter Foss (1858-1911)