The Fall of King Saul

 It's such a tragedy to watch how a once humble (1 Sam. 10:9) very righteous young man can become distracted by popularity, fold in on himself, grossly inflate his ego (1 Sam. 15:12) and eventually become so embittered to God and His chosen servants that his heart turns murderous.(1 Sam. 18:7-10)

In 1 Sam. 15:17 - the prophet chastens Saul reminding him of the importance of humility saying, "When thou wast little in thine own sight, wast thou not made the head of the tribes of Israel, and the Lord anointed thee king over Israel?" Samuel also informs Saul that because of his sins, he'll be replaced by another and lose his position. (1 Sam. 15:22-26)

There is an amazing talk that I think goes perfectly with this story that gives a remedy, some words of counsel, that can help us prevent the same type of downfall as Saul! It was given 12 years ago by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf called, "Pride and the Priesthood".

He says, "Pride is a switch that turns off priesthood power. Humility is a switch that turns it on...When our hearts are filled with pride, we commit a grave sin, for we violate the two great commandments. Instead of worshipping God and loving our neighbor, we reveal the real object of our worship and love—the image we see in the mirror. Pride is the great sin of self-elevation. It is for so many a personal Rameumptom, a holy stand that justifies envy, greed, and vanity."

If humility is the key to overcome pride access God's power... what is humility?? 

He goes on to say, "Some suppose that humility is about beating ourselves up. Humility does not mean convincing ourselves that we are worthless, meaningless, or of little value. Nor does it mean denying or withholding the talents God has given us. We don’t discover humility by thinking less of ourselves; we discover humility by thinking less about ourselves. It comes as we go about our work with an attitude of serving God and our fellowman."

Then this increadible plea! You can hear it in his voice that he's begging us to listen.

"My dear brethren [and sisters], there are so many people in need whom we could be thinking about instead of ourselves. And please don’t ever forget your own family, your own wife. There are so many ways we could be serving. We have no time to become absorbed in ourselves."

I love this! The Savior promised that if we let go of our lives, lose ourselves for His sake, we'll find ourselves! (Matt 10:39) 

   C.S. Lewis warned, “The moment you have a self at all, there is a possibility of putting yourself first - wanting to be the centre - wanting to be God, in fact. That was the sin of Satan: and that was the sin he taught the human race. Some people think the fall of man had something to do with sex, but that is a mistake...what Satan put into the heads of our remote ancestors was the idea that they 'could be like Gods' - could set up on their own as if they had created themselves - be their own masters - invent some sort of happiness for themselves outside God, apart from God. And out of that hopeless attempt has come...the long terrible story of man trying to find something other than God which will make him happy.”

And so, the great remedy to the ugly vice of pride is letting Christ increase in our hearts while we ourselves decrease. (John 3:30) Apply His teachings, seek to obey His words through His inspired servants! Shed the heavy burden of our ego, our image, our need for popular approval and settle in to the peace of mind and heart that is only found when we are nestled in Christ. (John 16:33)

-Alicia

Hebrew Word of the Day

 We watched a really cool inter-faith fireside yesterday.  Rabbi Alan Scott Bachman was the final speaker and he shared with us how the word mercy means compassion or womb, like a mother's womb. That blew me away!!

I did some searching and found this little clip taken from https://hebrew.jerusalemprayerteam.org

It is amazing that the emotion “mercy” or “compassion,” “ra-cha-min,” is derived from the name of the most motherly organ in the human body: the womb, “re-chem.” This is where the strongest connection of compassion and love are bonded between the mother and the baby, respectively. Men may need to learn this, but if you are a mother, no further words are necessary; you have experienced this compassion first hand.

A good word about English: This language recognizes this connection between the mere words “woman” and “womb.” This is compassion. And indeed, every woman has more of the divine gift of compassion, not only mothers.

“Ra-chem,” (give or have mercy) is the imperative form (commanding or requesting something from others). The imperative form is considered an actual tense in Hebrew, in additional to past, present and future.

The womb is a gift from God, a symbol of hope and healing, a symbol of the very gift of mercy Christ so graciously extends to us.

2 Cor. 1:3 and Eph. 2:4 - Talks about how God Himself is a God of Mercy. This is who HE is! And 1 Chr. 16:34 teaches us that His mercy endures forever! 

Think about the sacredness of the womb and then look at it in the context of todays abortion culture and it makes the whole practice even more awful!! It is an open, blatant mockery of God, Himself. So many women today are becoming more coarse, more calloused and indifferent towards the womb and in turn are losing their God-given gift of compassion and mercy. It is horrible and sickening to witness. I pray for an awakening among women today to realize what our culture is doing, how it is destroying them and future generations!

Blessed

With inflation so rampant right now and rumors of wars, I can't help think about the scripture prophesying that in the last days "men's hearts will fail them for fear of those things that are coming..." (Luke 21:26). This morning, I discovered a talk that I think brings hope to our doom and gloom future... not because it changes the circumstances of our world but because it helps change our perspective.

"May I suggest a few things which might be done to prepare us for a time when we are less affluent and possibly happier.

1. Wean ourselves away from dependence for our happiness upon mere material and physical things. This could mean a bicycle instead of a car, and walking instead of a bicycle. It may mean skim milk instead of cream.

2. Learn to do without many things and have some reserve to fall back on... 

3. Develop an appreciation for the great gifts of God as found in nature, in the beauty of the seasons; the eloquent testimony of God in the sunrise and the sunsets, the leaves, the flowers, the birds and the animals.

4. Engage in more physical activity that does not employ the use of hydrocarbons, including walking, jogging, swimming, and bicycling.

5. Have a hobby that involves your mind and your heart and can be done at home.

6. Pay your tithes and offerings. The keeping of this commandment will not insure riches—indeed, there is no assurance of being free from economic problems—but it will smooth out the rough spots, give the resolution and faith to understand and accept, and create a communion with the Savior which will enhance the inner core of strength and stability...

7. Develop the habit of singing or, if this is not pleasant, whistling."

- The Blessings of Adversity by, James E. Faust. 

I love how President Faust says we'd possibly be happier with less in that very first line. I can testify of that from my own experiences! Necessity is the mother of innovation! It's an opportunity to learn frugality, creativity, gratitude, and good old-fashioned hard work. It's beautiful!!

In 2008 my husband and I moved to Provo for him to finish getting his Bachelor Degree. I was pregnant with my 4th child, Kaylee. We lived there in that tiny little apartment for 8 years, until the fall of 2016. Money was really tight because Joseph only made $10 per hour and didn't work more than 15 hours per week while he was in school. I was a stay-at-home mom/ apartment manager. 

Those who know me, know that I strongly believe in functionality before fashion. During that time we had to get creative with our living space since our apartment was so small. We used our food-storage buckets for seats on one half of the kitchen table. The benefit of using the buckets to sit on made it easy for us to slide our plastic table up against the wall when we needed more room in the kitchen. We had old mis-matched chairs we got for free that surrounded the other half of our table. All the kids slept in bunk beds. I shined up used toys from the D.I. for the kids birthdays and Christmas presents. Family outings or dates with Joseph were never to restaurants, plays, shows, or vacations but instead consisted of lovely walks, hikes up nearby trails, or bike-riding. These were honestly some of the happiest times of my life I'll forever treasure! Life was so simple and best of all, my kids learned to be satisfied with less! Even to this day, they still prefer thrift store shopping. 

I guess you could say we were poor then but I didn't feel like it. We had every possible thing we needed. I felt overwhelmingly blessed!! We were always faithful in our tithing, as tight as things were, and we had the windows of heaven opened to us!! I learned to buy things used, learned to do simple sewing, plumbing and appliance repairs on my own, I learned to cook from scratch every single night, learned to have a blast just playing card games around the table or dancing to our favorite music in the living room. And late nights at the laundromat was an event the kids looked forward to. 

Eating dinner with our neighbor, Lou Crandall (and his dog Willie).  (Photo 2015: Lou and me in the back right and Miriam next to me, Micah in the back left with Kaylee in front of him, Chandler in the very front.)

Lou was a widower who lived above his printing museum next to our apartment. We loved having him over to visit! Lou was a child of The Great Depression. His appreciation for the simple things of life ran deep. We loved Lou's attitude because every time we'd see him out for his morning walk hunched over his walker, we'd ask how he was doing.  He'd straighten his crooked back as much as possible and reply with a huge smile, "Wonderful! In fact, I couldn't be bitter!" And he was far from bitter because he was such a grateful man, always seeing the good and the blessings of life, always thankful to God. It was paramount in him and it showed.

With inflation going crazy, I don't know if we're headed for another Great Depression... but I don't fear the future. God has always taken care of our little family in miraculous ways. He has led us through the wilderness. Through every single hardship, my faith has been strengthened and my testimony has grown immensely. If we stay close to the Lord, follow His words, I testify with all my heart He will work all things for our good, no matter what the future holds. Have faith, not fear.

"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever." - Psalm 23

"They were patient in all their sufferings."

"Wherefore ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ having a perfect brightness of hope and a love of God and of all men.  Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold thus saith the Father, ye shall have eternal life." -2 Nephi 31:20.  

....

I've been reading the Book of Mormon again and have currently just finished Alma 20.  Ammon's brothers served in a different mission area than him and "happened... to have fallen into the hands of a more hardened and stiffnecked people" than Ammon. Verse 29 notes though "they were patient in all their sufferings." 

This morning I listened to another talk from Neal A. Maxwell entitled, "If Thou Endure Well".  This part really struck me:

"Brothers and sisters we're not simply to exist to the end, rather we're to persist in following the example of the son of the living God.  Quite a different emphasis than we sometimes think of in connection with enduring. 

No wonder then, as a wise man wrote, 'there is no disappointment we endure one half so great as that we are to ourselves.' (Philip James Bailey, Sharing the Care.)  Especially I think, for Latter-day Saints.  Where we have great expectations, and then must endure the difference between what we could be and what we are and to try to make of that some useful 'divine discontent'  rather than corrosive affliction of the self.

This quality about which we're speaking therefore is graceful endurance and it includes becoming and growing.  It includes, but is not limited to, hanging on for one moment more.  It is as has been observed, a circumstance in which 'all virtues at the testing point take the form of courage.' (C. S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters)  And then after you and I have passed breaking points without breaking, our virtues take the form of endurance.  Besides, this life is not lineal it is experiential.  It is not really chronological, though we use clocks and calendars and wristwatches.  It is essentially experiential.  Someone said it well, 'we live in deeds, not years, in thoughts, not breaths, in feelings, not figures on a dial and we really should count times, by heart throbs.' (Phillip James Bailey)." - Neal A. Maxwell

 

The Priceless Virtue of Meekness

Today, I listened to one of my favorite talks about meekness by, Neal A. Maxwell entitled, "Meekly Drenched in Destiny". I could listen to this talk a million times over and still find gems in it that I didn't hear before. I love the whole quote, especially the last two lines! 

What is crucial?

 What matters most? 

It's not what we often think or are led to believe. It's definitely not what the world paints as important. It's not the house we live in, the money we make, how popular we are, or how many degrees we have...

 What's crucial is a heart that is sincerely seeking the Lord, striving to follow our Savior in word and deed, a heart that is genuinely humble and teachable, willing to go and do whatever the Lord might ask, to serve Him with all the energy and strength of their soul. 

In the end... nothing else matters. Your job, the opinions others have of you (good or bad), your education, your circle of friends or lack of friends, your property, your possessions, and even your position in the Church don't matter! They simply don't matter!

I've written about meekness before in these two articles: Learning Meekness - Finding Rest and Learn and Rest

I think most people want to be free of unnecessary stress, a sanctuary away from the voices and noises of this world!  I think most people want peace in this life, to not have cares or worries that weigh them down with anxiety or fear. 

I believe the answer is far more simple than we realize!!

I think what Neal A. Maxwell is saying in his talk is for us to take the focus off our self and fix our eyes on Christ. If our energy is invested in the right place for the right reasons, then no matter what happens, our faith will be strong and we'll always run to and rely on the Source of all peace, the Source of all rest, Jesus Christ. We'll seek His words, seek His Spirit, seek His will, seek to show Him gratitude, and find ourselves nestled deep within the sanctuary of His heart. There we find rest, there we find peace.

The Artificial vrs. The Real You

 Recently in Sunday School, we've been studying the creation and the story of Adam and Eve. Reading about this in the scriptures has caused me to reflect on a book called Perelandra  by, C.S. Lewis. It's a science fiction novel that takes place on another planet where there is an "Eve-like" woman, an "Adam-like" man, and a "Satan-like" character. 

I've been thinking a lot about this encounter between the Eve character (The Lady) and this Satan character (The Unman). C.S. Lewis' story here is very fascinating to me, especially with the way the Unman tries to lure away the Lady through vanity, by handing her a mirror and telling her grand stories of beautiful and heroic women from his own planet, encouraging her to use her imagination to become self absorbed.

The Unman had just fashioned a robe of feathers for the Lady when he presented her with the mirror. The Lady is noticeably frightened by her reflection and jumps back in fear. The Unman attempts to sooth her, "But there is no cause for fear in this little thing: rather for joy. What is fearful in it?”

             “Things being two when they are one,” replied the Lady decisively. "That thing" (she pointed at the mirror) "is me and not me."

            “But if you do not look you will never know how beautiful you are.”

“It comes into my mind, Stranger,” she answered, “that a fruit does not eat itself, and a man cannot be together with himself.”

The corpse-like creature then continues administering lies and temptation of self-worship, cunningly mixed with a large dose of truth about how the powers of reflection and self-knowledge set man apart.

“A fruit cannot do that because it is only a fruit,” said the Un-man. “But we can do it. We call this thing a mirror. A man can love himself, and be together with himself. That is what it means to be a man or a woman—to walk alongside oneself as if one were a second person and to delight in one’s own beauty. Mirrors were made to teach this art.”

She took the mirror, timidly but firmly, from the Un-man and looked into it in silence for the better part of a minute. Then she let it sink and stood holding it at her side.

“It is very strange,” she said at last.

“It is very beautiful,” said the Un-man. “Do you not think so?”

“Yes. “

“But you have not yet found what you set out to find.”

“What was that? I have forgotten.”

“Whether the robe of feathers made you more beautiful or less."

“I saw only a face.”

“Hold it further away and you will see the whole of the alongside woman—the other who is yourself. Or no—I will hold it.”

The commonplace suggestions of the scene became grotesque at this stage. She looked at herself first with the robe, then without it, then with it again; finally she decided against it and threw it away. 

Interesting how the Unman calls the Lady's reflection "the alongside woman" and when the Lady sees it she says, "It's me and not me."  This perceived image sounds like a ball-and-chain. 

The first time I read this encounter, I was struck because it reminded me of a dream I had recorded in my journal years ago. https://theplaceofbecoming.blogspot.com/2015/09/the-vain-things-of-this-world.html

Today, we don't need hand-mirrors, wall-mirrors, or vanities... we have ways of presenting ourselves with the "alongside woman" or "alongside man" everywhere in social media. We live in a society entrenched with self-absorption. We lose our identity when the "reflection" becomes who we are, when our time is focused on self, consumed by our stats, our number of friends, followers, likes, views, comments, etc. It becomes a ball-and-chain not only to ourselves but robs of of becoming who we are TRULY meant to be.

Our true identity is found in Christ. The Savior taught that when we lose ourself, we'll find our self. I can testify in my own life that I have never felt more FREE, more on top of the world, than when I have been able to completely forget about me and just genuinely do good for the right reasons, out of pure love for God. AND the times when I have felt the most confused, frustrated, upset, or defeated have been when I've gotten wrapped up in myself, caught up in worry or concern of what others might see think or feel about me.  

Break Away

 

Micah broke his leg a month ago at a Young Men's activity at a trampoline park. He actually wasn't doing anything crazy, believe it or not... He just jumped from one tramp to another, and when he landed there was a loud crack. His best friend, on the tramp next to him, heard it. Micah said, "ouch" and then collapsed. He didn't smack his leg or hit it on anything, his shin just snapped in half when he landed, a full tib/fib break. He rode to the hospital in an ambulance where Joseph and I met him. His attitude was amazing, he didn't seem bothered at all. In fact, he was more cheerful than usual. His surgery was scheduled the next morning. 

In surgery, they hollowed out his tibia and placed a titanium rod down the center of his bone. The rod is held in place by two screws at his ankle and two screws just below his knee. The good news is that he's recovering well and the bad news is, he's been bored out of his mind! He's a pretty active 16yr old and this hasn't been easy.

The other day, I suggested we get away, take a drive for a change of scenery. "It's your left leg that's broken so you're completely fine to drive. Let's get out and you can drive wherever you want. It's your call. It will be good practice for you too." He liked that idea and so I packed a bunch of snacks and brought the youngest two kids with us ready for him to drive anywhere he wanted. 

Micah drove into Provo Canyon and turned off into Wallsburg, where he took every possible road in that town to see if one might lead him into a different canyon. We stopped and looked at a few abandoned buildings and took pictures. He had all his favorite music playing and was in a great mood. After exploring the town, he turned back onto the canyon road and we eventually found ourselves in Heber City. The girls wanted to stop by the park on Mainstreet to see their 4th great grandpa's statue, William Madison Wall. He's my 3rd great grandfather. Wallsburg is actually named after him. That was a fun detour.

It was getting dark. After the park, we stopped to grab some food for dinner and then headed home. Micah did a fantastic job driving. In the end, he said he'd forgotten that his leg was even broken because he was so focused on driving. It was a good change of pace.

We're going to take another drive like that today.

Getting to Know Jesus

 I love C.S. Lewis' book, The Great Divorce! I love it because it expounds so beautifully on the ideas of what makes heaven and hell. It illustrates in little parables a great deal of personalities and how we often miss what's right in front of our eyes.  Near the end of the book, we meet a heavenly angel named, George MacDonald, who is actually an author/preacher from real life; someone who C.S. Lewis greatly admired and studied his teachings thoroughly. 

Because of this introduction in The Great Divorce, I became curious about George MacDonald's books. I just finished reading, Getting to Know Jesus. It reminds me a little of Henry Drummond's writings because his were mostly a bound copy of published sermons - and it's the same with the book I just finished with Mr. MacDonald.

I love this part in Chapter 4 about God being truly in our hearts and us in His:

"The fact is, men of old knew their scriptures, yes - and they would talk from morning until night but they had neither heard the voice of God at any time nor seen His shape, and had not His word abiding in them. And therefore, they did not know the Lord when He came. That applies to all forms of truth: that those who have not the truth in them cannot know the truth when it comes to them. Not being true, they cannot recognize that which is not of their sort...."

"Do you think it is possible to be true-hearted and to refuse the truth thus brought down just into the very depths of the soul? Oh a man who is only anxious to save his soul never sees anything of this! If he does not love the truth, if he neither loves God nor would be ready to die for his fellow men, if he is only occupied with his own individual being and its well-being - he can know nothing about this. And he cannot know the kingdom of heaven or the liberty of the sons of God and the obedience of the truth...."

"We are far from the liberty of the children of God yet. Only when we have come to feel that life is precious to us, and only because we are the children of the Living One, and that we are hand and heart with Him: Only then can a man be thoroughly righteously be able to say, 'It is worthwhile to live.'"

"Some of you have learned that 'self' is a thing that is loathsome to you. You have begun to see that IF there come NOT into you a high power of purity and deliverance, a presence to your consciousness of the Living God by Whom and in Whom you live, your whole nature is as something from which you recoil! For it was never meant for you to live in the consciousness of SELF. And no man can live in that but must go mad- but must turn in and in upon himself until he goes mad... or goes out of being."

Suicide Awareness and Prevention Week

 

A couple Sundays ago we had combined Relief Society and Priesthood meeting where we discussed depression and suicide and this week happens to be suicide awareness week. This topic always hits very close to home for me. I've lost two cousins to suicide and my best-friend's son. My dad attempted it three times when I was in high school. My sister and brother have both attempted it a couple times.  My husband talks about wanting to die all the time but says he'd never take his own life, he just says that he'd be so glad if it were cut short by accident somehow. 

Last night my husband came home from a walk. I don't know how to describe his mood the past several months. He has been in a downward spiral and just seems vacant, like a walking shell. He sleeps all the time and only leaves the house to go for a walk on occasion. Ever since Covid he's been working from home so he hasn't felt much reason to go anywhere. He goes to church but doesn't want to be there, doesn't want to pray in church or hold a calling. He has no desire for social events, so I often go to parties with neighbors by myself or with one of my kids. I'm not going to lie, it gets lonely. 

Last Sunday, he didn't even want to go to his own family dinner. He has a huge close-knit family. They are amazing. He's always been close with his parents and many siblings so I know he must feel bad emotionally to not want to be with them. Thankfully, through lots of love and encouragement I was able to convince him to attend. A couple nights ago was another success: he agreed to visit the parkway next to his work with me. I brought my longboard and he ran along-side. The more he tries to isolate the more I know he needs to get out... but I have to encourage gently and very carefully though or he'll get angry.

All my life, I've had so many loved ones struggle with serious clinical depression. Some have attempted to take their life and some have actually done so. It hurts because you're haunted by wondering what you could've ever done to make things better. It can be so exhausting to help those who suffer with depression when you yourself don't live in that world, I know. It can be extremely draining... but hang in there. I have experienced the sustaining support of the Savior, peace in the middle of the storm, light in the dark. I testify that He is there!! He will walk with you through the trial! Know the warning signs for your loved one who suffers with depression. You can't fix them but you can keep praying for them, keep seeking for small ways to bring love and light into their life, every little bit counts. Seek professional help if needed, don't be ashamed of your situation. We are all broken in our own way. Do the best you can, stay close to the Lord, and trust in good things to come.  I guess that's all I can say.

Getting Un-stuck

 We went to the North shore of Bear Lake the day after Chandler's 20th birthday. We had a great time paddle boarding and kayaking. Everything was perfect; the air was just the right temperature because of the cloud cover, the water wasn't too cold, and the lake wasn't crowded at all.

 Near the end of the day, around 4:30 most of the people were leaving the lake. In hindsight... I guess they were leaving because of the storm clouds in the distance. We didn't think much of it because the storm was further north than us and the wind really seemed to be blowing away from us. Even still, we began to wrap things up.  I put my pants and a long sleeve shirt over my swimsuit because the wind was a little chilly and I didn't plan to go in the water again.

We had already deflated our kayaks and put them in the van but we kept the boards out longer. Kaylee and Amillia grabbed their life jackets and a paddle board and asked if they could go out just one more time really briefly before we headed back to the hotel. I said it would be fine and I followed them on my paddle board fully dressed and all. I didn't notice the direction of the wind, only that it felt really easy rowing out from shore. We were on the lake for maybe five minutes when I told Kaylee not to go out any further. 

"You're getting pretty far honey, maybe you should come back in my direction." I called to her.

"Okay, I'm coming," she said.

I waited a few minutes more but it seemed like she was only getting further from me. "Honey, come on, you're out really far, you need to come back closer. Please listen!"

"Mom, I'm trying. I can't! It's pushing me away, Mom!" 

I paddled up next to her, turned toward the direction of the shore and demonstrated how to thrust the paddle in to get more momentum. 

"She knelt down on the board. I can't mom. It's hard and my arms are way too tired."

I looked to see if her board or my board had a rope or something so we could tie the two together and I could tow her. Nothing except for a small criss-cross rope woven like shoe lace along the top of Kaylee's board that was stuck in a horrendous, impossible knot. I used my teeth, my nails, everything to try and get that rope unlaced, all the while trying to straddle the other board and keep the two together. The knot wouldn't budge. 

I tried instead to kneel with one leg on her board and the other leg on mine while paddling double. I tried this configuration for some time. The drag was too much! "What is wrong?" I thought. Even in an awkward configuration I could normally sail pretty fast across the water. I finally realized the storm front had shifted, was blowing harder, causing the current of the top of the water to flow the opposite direction of the shore. I had to paddle against the current. I used all my strength and every possible configuration to try and paddle both boards back. I even tried jumping in the water and kicking while pulling both boards. Kaylee got off too and tried to kick from behind. 

My heart sank when I realized that we were trapped, no matter how hard we tried to head back we were being pulled further out. At this time, I could hardly distinguish who was on the shore. I waved my ore in the air to signal our trouble but no one seemed to notice. The lake was almost empty and there were no motor boats or jet skis left on the water. No one was on the water, except us. And we were too far for anyone to hear us call their name. 

Finally, Joseph noticed something wasn't right. He barely saw my signal with the ore. He could tell we were being pulled out and started to swim to us.

I was relieved he saw us but I didn't expect him to try to swim out. We were so far from shore and he wasn't wearing a life jacket. I knew he'd never make it. I tried shouting to him to go back and get his jacket but he couldn't hear me. Kaylee was getting worried. From our vantage point, all we could see was a small dot of Joseph's head that sometimes disappeared when the waves blocked our view. Kaylee screamed in panic and thought he was drowning. His strength was failing and he had flipped on his back to catch his breath, trying to back-float to shore and re-think his strategy. In Kaylee's panic, she jumped off the board and tried to swim to him. "Kaylee! Stay with me. You're way too far from him. Just wait with me here on the boards. They are going to get help." In the distance, could see our van drive away and knew it must be the older kids trying to find someone. 

"No Mom, I'm able to move much easier by myself. See!" She had her life jacket on and was suddenly a couple yards away from me. She didn't realize the distance between us was a result of Amillia and I being pushed by the waves further from her not that she was swimming faster. 

"Kaylee! I don't think it's a good idea." I said again. "Come back!"

She kept going. Joseph became more distressed when he saw Kaylee jump out on her own. By this time, he had made it back to shore and asked some people who were further down on the beach if he could borrow their life jacket and kayak. They warned him that the current was too strong but he said he'd take his chances at least to get Kaylee. They loaned him the gear to get her and called 911 for us. Joseph made it to Kaylee, pulled her in the Kayak and fought the current, finally making it back to shore. Kaylee was shivering violently. The family that loaned the kayak let her sit in their truck with a heated seat and lots of towels.

Meanwhile, Chandler and Miriam had taken the van to search for help. They drove along the shore and found a man and his wife in their truck with a jet ski tied up in their trailer. They were just pulling away from the lake when Chandler jumped out and waved the man down. "Are you in a hurry?" Chandler asked. 

"Well, kind of, yeah." The man responded. Probably thinking they were going to ask him to help them look for some lost item on the shore. When he realized it was people in trouble, he instantly sat up.

"My mom and sister are stuck on the lake. They need someone to tow them in."

The man scanned the lake, "I don't see anything out there."

"They are." Chandler said pointing out toward the center, "See those tiny little specks clear out there. That's them!"

The man squinted. "Oh wow! Yeah, I see them now." The man quickly lowered his jet ski off the trailer and back into the water.

Amillia had been praying and crying, "Mommy, I don't want to die like this." 

"Sweetheart we're not going to die. We will be just fine. They know we're stuck now. Someone will come to help soon, I promise. It's all going to be okay." I reassured her.

I relaxed my tired arms and just floated and waited. Amillia wanted to say a prayer together. We both knelt and prayed. The sky was getting pretty dark, the wind was stronger, and the waves were higher. I lowered my head and whispered, "Please God." Just then, I heard the sound of a motor in the distance. A man on a jet ski was coming straight to us.

He circled us once to get close enough for Amillia to climb on and for me to reach his rope. I looped it through the ends of both boards, placed the ores next to his feet on the jet ski, and then flipped one board fin-side-up on top of the other so that the fins wouldn't tear up the bottom board. The wind was much colder now and I began to shiver violently as I climbed onto the jet-ski. I was uncomfortable from how bad my body was shaking. The chattering of my teeth was so hard it made me feel like they would break but regardless of that discomfort I felt peace because I knew we were completely safe now.

When we arrived at shore, Joseph rushed to hug us, bringing towels and turning the heater on in the car so we could get warm. Finally, the sheriff truck arrived pulling a boat on a trailer as we were getting ready to leave the shore. They saw how much I was shivering in the van even with the heat and the towels. Detecting I had the beginning stages of hypothermia, the sheriff asked if we needed an ambulance. I said I was fine and I just needed a little more time, I'd be fine. 

The storm clouds were above us now and the rain began to pour. Joseph offered a family prayer of thanks and struggled to hold back the tears. It's amazing our quickly we can take simple things for granted in life. Our hearts were full as we drove off with everyone safe and well.

It was a close call. I was so glad that our jet ski guy came when he did because if we had wait until the sheriff boat was on the water, we would have been stuck in a deluge of a storm. 

I'm grateful for dry land, I'm grateful our rescuer was in the right place at the right time, and I'm especially grateful that we are in God's hands, He knows how to get us un-stuck, that everything in the end works out because He knows what He's doing.

-Alicia

For the sake of the record...

I don't post much these days honestly because I try to just stay off the computers as often as possible. It really helps me maintain more peace in my life. I'll post a couple short quick things here and there on my social media pages when I want to share my faith - but I don't like to hang out on those pages. I'll usually get on and then get right off. 

I miss blogging a bit though because it was an excuse to journal. Maybe I should get back into it??? I don't know. I especially love having a place to go into more depth with what's on my heart even if nobody ever reads this blog. It's still a place for me to put some thoughts or life updates in writing - and I like that. 

Speaking of updates... I work 2 or 3 days a week now as a dental assistant for an office in Provo. I think it's the perfect amount of hours for me and I absolutely love what I do. It also helps that everyone I work with is super easy to get-along with. I really think I found my dream job. Ha ha ha!

Tonight, I got called into work to help after-hours. The dentist I work for texted me asking if I'd come help him with surgery for a friend of his daughter's wisdom teeth. His son was there watching because he's in pre-dental school. I always find the extractions very fascinating -especially the ones where we have to make incisions and I can see straight to the jaw bone! Dr. called his son over during the surgery to take a closer look and watch the procedure. His son nearly passed out from the sight and had to lay down. I guess it never bothers me at all, especially like that. 

I started my job almost five months ago, I have learned so much. I can assist with just about any procedure now; crowns, root canals, implants, gingival scans, extractions, fillings, etc. I love setting up and taking down the operatory, wearing latex gloves, cleaning /sterilizing instruments, and typing up clinical notes, I love it all! 

I was a dental assistant before I ever had kids back when I was 21 or 22 and I liked doing it then but it is so much better now for some reason. I think I feel more confident than I did when I was in my early 20's and I love the littlest things in life more than I did then. 

So, that's a very small update..... Perhaps I'll post here more just for the sake of recording....

-Alicia

I know!

 I know that we have a loving Father in Heaven who hears our prayers, even the ones we can't seem to find words for, those deep longings of the soul to touch heaven, to be known by God and to know Him. So many personal experiences have happened this past year that have made me feel like I'm being cared for and watched over in a very tender, careful, special way. I don't know how to describe it and don't think I could if I tried. Who would even believe me?

I am overwhelmed with gratitude and feel like I have witnessed what the windows of heaven pouring down really means. My prayer is, "Please God, help me to pay it forward, show me those I can lift or help because I have been carried and lifted so very much! Help me to open my eyes and be where I need to be in the right moments. Most of all, help me to notice which of my children at times need me most and how I can be there for them. Help me to see what needs Joseph might have and grant me ability to fulfill them."

Faith, Hope, Charity

 Moroni 10 - some thoughts from today's reading...

When God's word becomes the air we breathe, it will bring life to the heart and mind, instilling greater faith. And if we truly have faith in Christ we will heed the Savior's commission to follow Him and to feed His sheep. Real faith in Christ, deep in the heart of a soul creates action, gives motion, gives life, like legs to the body / the ability to run!! One leg is hope (the ability to keep going, keep shining, even in a dark world) and the other is Christ-like love- both legs propelling each other and always driven by the life-blood of faith pumping through the veins. It's a invigorating run too because this trail is a steep incline.

What does it mean to be "peaceable"?

 Moroni 7:3&4 both mention the word "peaceable" in reference to being a true disciple of Christ. When I read these verses, I think of "Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." - John 14:27

What does this peace look like in our lives? I ask these questions generally for this post but of course I'm asking them myself as well:

• Can we truly trust God, can we have the faith to be assured even in the middle of the darkest abyss, that there is nothing to fear... nothing to panic over? God can make beauty from ashes and turn graves into gardens.
• Do we have the faith to forgive stupid things others do and not give way to bitterness, hate, and resentment? One step further... do we have the faith to pray for such people and search for whatever good we can find in them?
• Do we have a grateful heart? Can we see the smallest blessings even in the mundane parts of life? Do we thank God for them?
• Do we have the faith to be fully honest with others when we recognize we have done wrong, honest with ourselves about those wrongs, and especially honest with God? Are there hidden truths in our heart we are afraid to reveal because we don't want to "hurt our image"? Trying to hide from God destroys peace in our heart and injures our ability to be guided by the Spirit.
• How do we use our time? Are we actively seeking for opportunities to "feed Christ's sheep" or are the cares of our own struggles or the depressing news of the day too "in our face" to see and attend to the needs of anyone else?
• Do we strive to keep the commandments of God laid out in our scriptures, by our Prophets, and sacred Temple covenants?
• Do we trust God's love? Do we believe that we are all children of God, individuals of Divine worth, loved beyond ALL measure? Do we truly believe it or are we constantly seeking for the recognition, likes, retweets, followers, comments, and various forms of praise from others to determine our worth? Are we truly Christ-centered? I think it's hard to be if we're always looking in the mirror or taking selfies. It's sad but true (even if it was fun for a moment) nothing leaves a person feeling more empty, gross, ugly, and hollow than someone who is so focused on themselves. The purest love is found in Christ, and can flow through us like living water that never runs dry. Shut social media off and go listen to a conference talk or take time prayerfully pondering the scriptures.

I know when I strive for this in my life,  I find real peace in my life - the kind of peace that only God can give.

The Light is Strong in This Storm-Tossed Vessel

No fear here! Ether Chapter 5 is Moroni’s testimony that these things are true and that they stand as a witness of the power of God’s word, “they shall stand against the world at the last day”. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the following chapter (Ether 6) Moroni is recounting the record of the Jaredites and how they were led with light through the storms and oceans of obscurity. That to me is a perfect description of what the scriptures and the Word of God does for us: a light to guide us in our darkest times, no matter how storm-tossed and wind-blown our lives become.

“After his experience with the Lord, the brother of Jared continued to diligently prepare himself for the journey ahead. So too must we hearken to the teachings of our prophets. The living prophets have counseled us time and again to put our lives in order . . . As we look into the eyes of our children and grandchildren, we see the doubt and fear of our times. Wherever these precious ones go in the world, they hear about unemployment, poverty, war, immorality, and crime. They wonder, 'How can we cope with these problems?' To find answers, they look back into our eyes and listen to our words. Do they hear us speaking faithfully and hopefully, despite the tribulations of our times? They need to see us continuing to pray and study the scriptures together, to hold family home evening and family councils, to serve faithfully in our Church callings, to attend the temple regularly, and to be obedient to our covenants. When they see our steadfastness in keeping the commandments, their fears will subside and their confidence in the Lord will increase.”

Hales, Robert D. “Faith through Tribulation Brings Peace and Joy.” General Conference April 2003.

Teach, Testify, and Lift Others Around You

We just live in a time where it's easy to get discouraged. I pray that each of my children will learn that no matter how bad things get, to always remember the example of the Savior. Keep teaching, keep testifying, and keep lifting the souls of people around you through kindness, genuine love, and service.

“In our day, we are bombarded by messages from many sources, both profane and spiritual. How can we determine the ones that are most vital to us? I suggest that we may look at the source of the messages and the motivation behind them. The Lord has given us a guide through the prophet Alma: ‘Whatsoever is good cometh from God, and whatsoever is evil cometh from the devil.’ We must strive to be worthy so that we do not miss the profound messages that come from God. Ultimately, these messages include the sum total of the gospel of Jesus Christ.” 

-Did You Get the Right Message- James E. Faust - April 2004

"When we observe the last week of the Savior’s life from our earthly perspective, our first impression may be one of suffering and destruction. We may see only the Savior’s mother and others weeping at the cross, soldiers afraid, the earth in great commotion, rocks broken up, the veil of the temple rent in twain, and three hours of darkness covering the land. A similar scene of storms and destruction unfolded in the New World. In short, we see the terrible tempest raging.

But look again—this time through the eye of faith.

In the last, most agonizing weeks of His life, consider that Jesus taught, testified, lifted, blessed, and strengthened those around Him. He raised Lazarus from the dead, taught about His Father, set the temple in order, gave several parables, witnessed the widow offering her mite, instructed His disciples about the signs of His Second Coming, visited the house of Simon the leper, instituted the sacrament, washed the feet of the Apostles, and taught His disciples to love one another. He testified of His divinity as the Son of God and taught of the Comforter—the Holy Ghost. In His great Intercessory Prayer, He prayed to His Father for His Apostles and all who believe on their words, 'that they might have [His] joy fulfilled in themselves.' John 17:13

In His darkest hour, the light of peace and joy did not fade. It grew brighter!"

- Faith through Tribulation Brings Peace and Joy - Robert D. Hales 2003

August 2019

Chandler turned 18 Aug. 2019

I love this guy so much. He has such a passion for life, he loves his family, he loves his friends, and he loves his Country! We have an American flag we keep on our porch that he tends to regularly, making sure to take it down at night and post it again in the morning before he heads off to work. 

He plays tough but inside he has a huge heart. Each morning for our family scripture study, he always shares wonderful thoughts or principles from verses he likes.  

When he was little, he struggled a great deal with being on the Autism spectrum - transitioning to new things, or big changes often caused him so much anxiety, he would have a difficult time with his anger management. I have witnessed him grow and mature and learn to hold his tongue when he easily could have lashed out. He's much more careful in his response. I've seen him exercise a great deal of self-control and patience in circumstances the average person might crumble in. 

He's also brave and courageous, not afraid to tell it like it is. He doesn't care one bit about popularity or pleasing the crowd. He follows his own heart and not the trend. I love him so very much! 

Kaylee and Amillia's first day at their charter school in Pleasant Grove (Kaylee 6th grade & Amillia Kindergarten) . It's twice a week and they love it!

Miriam and Micah's first day of school @ Provo High for Miriam's 11th grade and Micah's 9th. They go for only 2 class periods, 1 study hour, and seminary... and the rest they do online. It's been the best way for us so far... Just enough to get the High School experience but not long enough for them to get caught up in the social trends and anxieties most youth fall prey to. 

Hanging out at Starvation Reservoir with my Aunt Mary's family (Mom's sister). 

Audrey and Sarah

My cousin Lora's and my cousin Julia's daughter.

Cousin-in-law Cindy and Cousin Julia

Amillia got along so well with my cousin Julia's youngest daughter, Cami. They both have deep brown eyes, beautiful tan skin, and pretty brown hair. They really look like they could be sisters.

Me and Julia have been close for as long as we can remember. We are both July babies with Julia just one year younger than me. 

Miriam evading the camera again. She makes me laugh.

Saying goodbye to my nephew Brayden before he moves away to Florida to live with his dad. 

Amillia playing in our friend's backyard sand pit.

Me and my sweet friend, Jenny! We are both home-schoolers and long-boarders and easily connected over that. Winter 2019 she took me Snowboarding for the first time. Super fun!

Watching the 2019 Summer Rodeo in Spanish Fork

Hangin' out with my friend, Adrienne, at 2019's Education Week

Amillia's 5th Birthday (only her second one celebrated with us). It has been a hard journey for everyone, especially for this little gal trying to make sense of having a biological family and an adoptive family. She is so naturally loving though and seems incredibly resilient. She's a wonderful little girl with a heart larger than life. 

Hangin' out downtown SLC for a family night.

Miriam just being Miriam

Amillia visiting her biological mom and dad.

Chandler signing for his first car. Freedom!!

Kaylee hanging out with dad at his work.